• Announcements

    • LatoyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LatoyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.

Forums

  1. Administration

    1. Welcome to the Grandparents.com Community!

      The FAQ & some ground rules so everyone can have a fun, safe, and productive experience.

      25
      posts
  2. Family Matters

    1. Empty Nest No Longer

      With the stressed economy, and for other reasons too, many parents are finding that their adult children are needing to come back to the elders' homes. Others are dealing with custody issues of grandchildren and children divorcing and needing help. If this is something you're experiencing, come share and give and get support from other in the same boat.
      LEAD MODERATORS: ADMIN

      2242
      posts
    2. Grandparents Unplugged

      This is a place for grandparents to ask questions or make statements and receive answers and replies from a variety of people. Posters on this board are other grandparents, daughters-in-law, mothers-in-law and those who want to gain a greater understanding of how the 'other folks' feel. You can share what's on your mind, but understand that it's not just grandparents in the room most of the time. I hope that ALL can share their thoughts, feelings, questions and answers without rancor or hatefulness.
      LEAD MODERATORS: Mame925

      9560
      posts
    3. Grandparents without Grandchildren

      This group is created for grandparents living without their grandchildren. Maybe you have been denied visitation, or maybe you are ill and your child wants to keep your grandchildren away from that reality. Whatever the reason, you suffer great loss and this group is intended for you to share with others in similar situations your pain, insights and frustrations. It's a place to get emotional or informational support or give it to others.
      LEAD MODERATORS: ADMIN

      3609
      posts
    4. Mothers-in-Law Anonymous

      Dish, vent or ask for advice about the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship.
      LEAD MODERATORS: RoseRed135, SueSTx, Lilypond, PhalenMum

      177826
      posts
  3. Food

    1. Grandma's Pantry

      Share your favorite recipes and food ideas, and invite others to join in the discussion. Let's get cooking!
      LEAD MODERATORS: SueSTx

      1854
      posts
  4. Grandparenting

    1. Grandparenting From Afar

      They say distance makes the heart grow fonder...This group is for grandparents whose grandchildren live far away. Join us to discuss everything grandparenting and topics specific to staying in touch from afar.
      LEAD MODERATOR: Critter21

      2041
      posts
    2. Grandparents Caring for Grandkids

      Are you a grandparent (or other relative) caregiver? A parent who relies on family daycare? Whether you're raising your grand(relative)kids, helping to raise them or watching them while the parents go to work or school - or a parent dealing with one of these situations - please come in and share your needs and concerns with us. And if you're anyone else who has ideas and opinions on this topic, please come and join us, as well. Together, let's explore the (often unique) ups and downs, ins and outs, joys and challenges of the GP/relative caregiving situation!
      LEAD MODERATORS: rosered135

      14639
      posts
    3. New Grandparents

      This group is for new grandparents to share and learn from each about the new experience of grandparenting. Experienced grandparents feel free to join and offer your comments. What are you enjoying the most? What are your concerns? How do you give advice without it being taken the wrong way? How do you feel about babysitting? We can't wait to see your comments.
      LEAD MODERATORS: ADMIN

      2418
      posts
  5. Health & Wellness

    1. 50 Shades of Blue

      This group is for anyone who is now, or has ever, struggled with depression or any other mental health or illness problem, even if it's just a bad case of the blues. It's a safe place to seek or offer support.
      LEAD MODERATORS: ADMIN

      809
      posts
    2. Getting Healthy

      Ask questions and share your health experiences with other members. What works for you when it comes to wellness?

      238
      posts
  6. Hobbies

    1. Hobby Corner

      Have a passion project? Whether you're crafting, knitting or making soap and candles, this is the place to talk about it! Share your stories, photos and more with fellow hobbyists.

      58
      posts
  7. Just For Fun

    1. General Gabbery

      It's not complicated. This Group is a place to sit and have a cup of coffee and shoot the breeze. Let's solve world problems, tell jokes and stories, post pictures and brag on our kids and grandkids. Got something on your mind? Post it we'll talk about it.
      LEAD MODERATORS: SueSTx

      7620
      posts
    2. Club Newcomer

      This is a place for newcomers to introduce themselves and learn more about the various features of the site, especially the different Groups available. It's also a place for current members to come in and help welcome the new ones and help them find their niche(s) among the forums.
      LEAD MODERATORS: rosered135

      3635
      posts
    3. The Great Debate

      Whether it's formula feeding vs. breast feeding, daycare vs. nanny, or spanking vs. time out, everyone has their opinion. This board is where you can state your piece on hot topics.

      PLEASE READ THE WELCOME MESSAGE BEFORE YOU POST HERE

      7165
      posts
    4. Book Club

      Share what you're currently reading and what's on your book shelf with other grandparents.

      76
      posts
    5. News & Issues

      Current news and events -- talk about them here.

      55
      posts
  8. Love & Relationships

    1. All SINGLE golden girls & guys wanted

      Single grandparenting: WHAT A CHALLENGE and WHAT FUN! We are here for each other.
      LEAD MODERATOR: homeygfunk

      2025
      posts
  • Are you a grandparent?   40 votes

    1. 1. Are you a grandparent?


      • I'm a grandparent
      • I'm not a grandparent, but I am a parent (SIL/DIL)
      • Neither -- just here to browse

    Please sign in or register to vote in this poll. View topic
  • New Threads

  • Recent Posts

    • parsleythelion
      Expectations that Run Thick
      My expectations definitely got in the way of setting clear boundaries with H's FOO. I imagined that my PIL would want what was best for their son and therefore for us as a married couple. I assumed they would be reasonable people who did not intrude or pry in our business: or if they did, out of love, care or concern, would be capable of taking a hint when they'd overstepped. I basically expected that they would have reasonable boundaries, as most reasonable, polite, respectful people do. In reality, it was not that they were necessarily rude people per se. They were a very enmeshed family playing out a script of what being PIL/Grandparents meant to them, without any thought of what we wanted. H is desperately anxious about not displeasing them, which means the work is generally up to me. I have found that if I have to stand up for us/myself, H will usually only get upset if MIL gets upset but it is all for show. Afterwards, he does not actually care. I have begun to realise that I cannot change that - they are all too stuck in their ways. But I don't have to play in to it. The past few times I've seen them, I've stood up for myself and ignored their protests. It's a pain in the behind but no-one died and I'm actually feeling a lot less nervous about the prospect of doing it. Interestingly, our counselor pointed out that it would not have mattered who I was, the process of separation would still have to have happened. That it was not my fault, I could have been anyone - if H wanted a wife he would have to accept that this process was a foregone conclusion. The fact that H did not want to disappoint his parents always meant that I would be the one to have to do it. He also pointed out that it was interesting H did not choose a meek and conciliatory spouse - and that he moved so far away from parents that he claimed to want such a close relationship with. It is true that I do sometimes appear meek and conciliatory: I do not want to upset people, I try my best not to. But at the same time, I'm not a pushover. I usually have a strong sense of self and stick to my principles. However, the depression and my expectations (namely that H's parents must want the best for us) got in the way. At the time, I was just coming to the same conclusion from my own perspective: it would not have mattered who I was, we'd still have had very similar conflicts if I'd have wanted to keep any boundaries at all. Even then, just the fact of my presence - and, ironically, the kids presence, since GC is ALL MIL EVER WANTED - means that the PIL are no longer the closest people in the World to H. This alone would have caused issues, MIL especially has had a really hard time digesting that fact. I cannot help that. Their feelings are not my responsibility. There really was no use worrying about it - though it took me a long while to realise that.
    • oscarsmaman
      Gaslighting Myself
      TBH, DH was initially, like, "Oh, geez, throw it away (the calendar)." I can see where a lot of people would say, "Let go of the past!" And I really can see that point, most of the time. Most of the time, I'm not a grudge-holding person. Which is why I'm keeping the calendar. I think this is a "grudge" I need to hold-- it's less of a grudge, than a reminder, when I begin to forget, about Who They Really Are and What They're Capable Of.
    • TaxiMomma
      Expectations that Run Thick
      MBear, your BIL sounds like he's acquired "learned helplessness".  It's difficult to break, and it doesn't help when others "help" that person: it just reaffirms that they can't do anything or change their situation. It's insidious. 
    • ImpishMom
      Gaslighting Myself
      One of the most powerful tools I've found against gaslighting myself is other people. Seriously. Every now and then, I'll tell Wolf, or one of my BFFs, or even my BFF's mom an event from my childhood. The look of horror, or the sorrowful tone from BFF's Mom..."Oh, Iiiimmmppp..." with a huge sigh, usually with BFF's Dad in the background saying, "Oh, that's so not ok..." is all the gaslight killer needed. When I'm in doubt about anything, I run through the scenario replacing me, or which ever sib, with one of my kids. That's a solid litmus test. What would I do if it was my kid in that situation? Would it be ok? Or would I want someone left as a pile of smouldering ash if they did that to my kid? It's not *just* gaslighting, it's also a normal meter check. Being 'selfish' 'unforgiving' 'judgemental' were the worst things you could do in my FOO. "Oh, b/c you're just SOOOOO PERFECT!" was a big thing. So, I have to double, triple, quadruple check myself. ETA: Of course, looking back on it, being selfish, etc was really about daring to protest any mistreatment, showing any signs of self respect/self esteem, or having a moral compass.
    • MBear
      Gaslighting Myself
      I have repeatedly gaslighted myself with the ILs, my DH, and my own FOO. I have been really good at not gaslighting myself with my FOO in the past year. They are a bowl full of disfunction and I keep my distance from that aspect of them. Every so often a small little voice will creep in and ask me if I am being slightly cold hearted about how I handle it and I squash it before it can finish its sentence. I am a work in progress with DH, but I feel pretty good lately with how I handle him. ILs have been a huge relationship where I gaslight myself. I felt so many times that just maybe this time could be different and maybe some of the issues I was just reading too into things or I would come up with crazy explainations for stuff ILs would do. I feel like I am a baby learning how to walk with the ILs, but I don't feel like I have had any issue holding my resolve against them since my youngest child was born. I am hopeful this continues. I don't have a calendar, but I have thought about reviewing some of my old posts and saving them. 
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