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      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
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      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

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  3. It's difficult to say I guess when it would be considered a gesture of kindness to all involved to offer a heads up regarding someones foibles or when to let others discover anothers foibles on their own over the natural course of any given relationship-
  4. I don't know what she did that instance, but what I've observed , it's not a shrieking screaming throwing things like melt down, its a drawn out days worth of nastiness, mean comments, nasty looks, sulky type behavior. It takes her a long time to get over it and it's not nice to be around.   
  5. The mother in-law- The daughter in-law threatens but the mother in-law follows through -- I imagine sometimes to the benefit of all involved, and imagine sometimes out of spite-
  6. Biographies & Historical Fiction

    Agree- I can't pinpoint why I find her so intriguing but the lady has always fascinated me, even when I was a child- I was glued to the screen- 
  7. Has she ever melted down in your company?
  8. Skipped, to your point about talking to other people about the situation, I don't know the right answer. I know what is right for me. My mom has always been a sounding board for me when I needed to talk through something. But I realized after a while what it was doing to my mom's relationships with these people. Example: I KNOW I've said some things to her about the situation with my FIL. I desperately needed advice on a few things with elder care and what we could and couldn't do, and my mom was in the midst of that with my dad and to some extent my grandmother. She had great advice. It helped me to talk to her, having someone to talk to besides DH and his siblings about what our options were. I even had permission from my DH and his siblings to discuss our questions with my mom because she would have valuable input to offer. That being said, I didn't filter myself when I talked to her, and I shared more than our questions, I vented, plain and simple. My mom is a great person and is generally nice to everyone, but she has a couple of 'tells' if you will, that differentiate between being genuinely nice and being 'southern lady' nice, if you get my meaning. I can tell that her opinion of my FIL has been colored by my sharing. HE will never know that, because quite frankly, he is self centered enough not to recognize those nuances, but I see it. And I hate that my sharing has changed that relationship.  So, yes, to your point, everyone should have someone they can talk to. And if it stays on this side of gossip, I think it's healthy to talk to someone, but you have to be careful of where that talk goes and how it impacts that person in their relationship with the person you are talking about, if that makes sense?
  9. Maybe she meant yes from the get go. You said it was months later so maybe other changes, stressors helped her to have a change of heart about cupcakes. Maybe her own family put stress on her and they were the ones who told her no cupcakes. No idea. Was this a new-ish relationship, between you and DIL. New relationships are always tricky not knowing how one is going to respond to any situation, if you don't really know the person. My initial response was maybe DS exaggerated about the meltdown but you said she is prone to meltdowns. DH's MGM was prone to meltdowns and by that I mean, she was mostly helpless, couldn't do much (she would do her best to help peel apples for a fresh pie though and she'd play cards and do puzzles with us) and PIL's would interrogate her, pick on her, scream and holler at her (not giving her a chance to answer them, but them not really looking for an answer, just pushing her buttons, being complete and total jerks to her) until she was so sick and tired of it, she'd throw her cane, start screaming and slapping herself. Then they'd laugh at her. The thing, not so funny, is MIL has done the same thing at least a couple of times (that I've seen personally) for nothing like the provocation they gave MGM. So when your DS says meltdown I wonder what he means.
  10. An interesting philosophical question related to all of this also based on a PP in multiple different old threads.  If a DIL threatens to cut off a MIL if she doesn't do XY or Z and MIL decides that is over her limit and refuses to do XY or Z who is cutting off who?
  11. I've never heard of anyone using that phrase until fairly recently. I think that it was said after the last paper cut. FB birth announcement (second baby for this couple and second gc). My friend apparently felt that was inappropriate, for her own reasons (I never understood the reasons to be honest) and threw a hissy with her son. My sister told me, much later, whole mess escalated to some sort of civil protection order. And that the son actually said "you will never see any of my children again". I don't know much about the later bits, we were in and out of town and I tried to avoid talking/hearing about it as much as possible - beandip - but I do feel GM overreacted to the FBook thing and definitely started the tizzy herself. I assume there was a lot of backstory that she ignored or didn't wanna admit/talk about (which is great, I have no interest in knowing).   My niece got very annoyed a few years ago about unauthorized picture Christmas cards, that and 100 other paper cuts escalated. Her husband CO his parents. I've never heard more or Rose's phrase - but I do know they're with us at Church, skiing etc and at our monthly family Birthday, and I've not seen the other GPs at later baptisms or Church stuff with them.   A nephewIL CO his mom (his dad has passed) over very wrong fiduciary actions. Niece tried to broker peace, that blew up all over her. I know limited details because my sister and BIL have passed and niece came crying to me (wrongly, my brother is who they ultimately needed for the court actions). At any rate, the bit about seeing the 4 gks doesn't seem to be on anyone's radar. I never see that GP at Church kid stuff/sports (where I usually would see outsiders).   I believe if I ever heard such a stupid thing - I'd stare at that person and walk away. Why fuss? Why escalate vs wait? I know our faults and what we bring forward as parents and gps. Stuff will generally settle out given enough silent time and space.
  12.   We were on the phone, she was sitting next to him.  He said, she said yes.  So he asked her.
  13. WIth respect to Skipped's great cupcake debacle:  given that it went through the son perhaps he said yes without consulting his bride just assuming it would be ok?  I feel like Skipped's son is really at fault. At this point, I strongly prefer to have all contact go through DH.  His mother and sister have made it perfectly clear what relationship they want with me (extremely limited to zero), so I leave it to him to maintain that relationship.  Plus, whenever I vary from that approach I regret it - somehow EVERY contact, even the most mundane sort such as "Happy Birthday" email sent by me become an opportunity for a PA whine by them about something.  No thanks!
  14. My DIL is prone to meltdowns.  I think it is just part of her personality.  I didn't know that at the time and took it personally.  I do think it illustrates though that a DIL being unconfident, immature and unable to state what she wants can't be blamed on her MIL.  Yes, I see what your saying aout learning from your ILs wedding anniversary party.  OS is getting married in Aug.  YS wedding  was my learning experience.  I don't think knew at the time what wearing beige meant.  This wedding is going much better so far. Not sure how much it has to do with my experience or  the fact that I'm not paying for the whole thing.  I was a young inexperienced unconfident MIL. That doesn't make it all DILs fault either.
  15. Do you really think it was a meltdown over cupcakes?  Maybe cupcakes were simple a target of stress she had over wedding planning, and your son - being her fiance at the time - was there to see her come undone.  I just don't see any benefit or upside to communicating that DIL had a "melt down" over these cupcakes to anyone especially her future MIL. I think your offer to make cupcakes was kind though.  However,  due to a very bad experience I had when I offered to host my IL's 50th wedding anniversary party, which ended up being sabotaged by my aunt IL and cousins IL, as they acted on MIL's behalf over her disappointment with this party (the venue, food, etc. wasn't good enough), I've learned that when it comes to anything related to weddings, including anniversaries, I wear beige, show up with a smile and a positive attitude and do nothing more, unless asked, then depending on what it is and who is asking, I may or may not do it.   
  16. I think it's hard to negotiate with terrorists- whatever the reason they've got to that point.  Someone threatening divorce- or cutting off a child is not willing to negotiate at all- they want it all their own way. Anyone can have it there own way by ending a relationship.  And everyone has limits as to what they are willing to do.   The only way you can prevent the divorce or cut off is to do exactly what he/ she wants.  So to me the only question is how much am I willing to do, what are my limits, and realizing that this is.for the rest of my life.  If the only way I can survive my life under these conditions is talk to my sister or mother about it, and DIL gets upset that I do this, that's just one more change (and for me that would be an extremely difficult one that she herself had better be following) that I'd have to decide if I was willing to accept.  For me that would be difficult.
  17. Sure. My son could have communicated better..  But, In the end BSW, DIL DID have a meltdown over the cupcakes. It was totally unnecessary.  She was mad at me over something that she didn't do (be upfront and honest about what it was she wanted) and it wasn't necessary.  She could have said no from the get go.
  18. Do you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder?

    It's warming right up.  It is 12* and the sun is shining.  I'm on my way to the grocery store.  I have to cook for a luncheon tomorrow and I need to make a salad, rolls and a desert.
  19. I have something to say in whether or not I want to "change" or fold (depending on the situation) to do what I can to prevent a divorce.  It is between hubby and I...I don't see where I can talk to a DIL and change the situation where she is threatening a CO from the grands unless I have done something to cause a CO.  If it is just vindictive, I have no power to do anything.
  20. I think your son handled the communication concerning the cupcakes poorly.   He simply could have told you that he and DIL were going in a different direction regarding the desserts at the wedding, and it was such a nice offer, but the cupcakes would not be needed.  As intermediaries - which I am for my FOO and DH is for his, I think it is important to not communicate word for word of what your spouse has said, but to capture the essence of what needs to be communicated, i.e. cupcakes are no longer needed at the wedding, and to communicate in a way that doesn't cause hurt feelings or puts someone in a bad light, which in this case would be the "melting down" DIL.   I would not be pleased with my DH if he did this, especially early on when impressions really matter, and in return I would not want to do this to DH.
  21. Do you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder?

    I like to think I'm helping myself by 1) participating in my own life and not waiting for others to come to me 2) recognizing that this is not just my grief, DH was a wonderfully popular local businessman who lived in this town his entire life so his death affected many people, from clients to people he went to kindergarten with... Sue, overcast & dreary here, but I'm thinking I'll take that over -3....stay warm.
  22. For good or bad, knowing myself,  the answer is probably.   I don't understand how my repeating it has anything to do with my daughter in law threatening it.  She treatened before I talked.  Does that make her threatening right?  If my husband kept on threatening to divorce me, and I said something to my mother or sister about it, does that make ME the problem and not him?  How much "worse" could that make our marriage? It's interesting to me how much women are willing to tip toe around grandchildren and not tip toe around getting divorced.
  23. ^^^^  But, the first time, would you be so shocked that you'd tell all the other family members what a terrible thing the DIL had said?  and by doing so, harmed your relationship with others also? As time went along, would you then figure out that it was just a "wolf" call but be too late to repair much of the damage already done? If my spouse said the work "divorce" for a second time, I'd automatically say don't let the door hit you in the behind on the way out.  I'd have to stop and think about a threat about never seeing a grandchild again for a time before responding.
  24. I think after the first time, you would be shocked and heartbroken.  But after that?  I think it would start having less effect..  I mean, how many times can someone make the same threat before a person distances themselves from it.  After a while I wonder how effective it could be.  I only know if my husband threatened to divorce me during every little spat, I'd either quit taking the threat seriously, or take him up on it.  I don't have GC, but I imagine after a while, I'd have to make the same decision.
  25. Gaming with my grandson

    Back in the 90's when our son had a Nintendo, he loved Mario but did not have the patience to find the correct route to battle through in the later stages of the game.  I did not have the skill to win the battle so son and I played together.  I'd make a map/instructions to find the final location in a stage and he'd battle through and go to the next stage where I'd make a new map.  It was fun for us both and he would actually talk to his mother.  Win/win. I still love gaming, but I'm more of a match three fan.
  26. I think the application is as varied as the people themselves.  I agree with BEG.  We've all at least heard of the spouse that spouts "I want a divorce" during every little spat.  They seem to use it for its shock value.  Is it possible that there are parents out there who use, "You'll never see my kids again." for it's shock value?  I'm sure there are, but the first time it has to be heartbreaking at the least.
  27. I think there are definitely some people in the world that will use it as a 'go to' in an argument. There are always people who will use anything they can to manipulate their circumstances, especially when they know they've got control of something that is important to the other person. That being said, I don't think it's necessarily the rule, if you will. I know plenty of people that have gone that route, and the grandparents were blindsided...but it was more of a combination of the grandparents not seeing the signs and the AC not really wanting to put too fine of a point on it.  Which also begs the question....is it better to be blunt and up front when there are issues, or try to handle the situation gently? Is there such a thing as being 'too gentle' to the point where the grandparents don't recognize there is an issue?  From my perspective, in our situation with FIL, our girls are old enough to make that choice themselves now. But I can see limiting their visits with him if they were really young just strictly because of the way he treats them. His clear favoritism is a problem. But I can honestly say that it wouldn't matter what we said to him, he wouldn't 'hear' it. From experience, we've been gentle as to why ODD doesn't visit him very often, we've been blunt. It doesn't seem to matter, he doesn't 'hear' what we are saying. He didn't even hear it from her.  So there are definitely people who will use their children to manipulate. And there are people that will ignore or not listen or pay attention to signs and direct statements until something actually happens. And then they are shocked. I think the application is as varied as the people themselves. 
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