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Adopted Grandma unable to see grandchild


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#1 grandmalarissa

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 11:26 AM

My son was adopted by my husband and I as a three day old infant.  When he became a father, we assumed that we would be considered the grandparents.  However, our daughter in law says that we are not the "real" grandparents because we are not biologcally connected either to our son nor to the new baby.  There seems to be nothing we can do in this situation. Any suggestions would be most helpful.

 

grandmalarissa



#2 SueSTx

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 11:52 AM

I am so sorry you aren't getting to see your new grandbaby, but give it some time. Maybe your son will come through with an invitation in the future.

How long have they been together? Does your son stay in contact with you?

There are several couples in our very small community who have raised adopted children and they have good relationships with them and their grandchildren. Hang on, maybe things will change in the near future.

#3 mainegirl

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 01:19 PM

I hope your son stands up to his wife on this.  What a horrible thing to say!

 

You may not be your son's biological parents - but you are his real parents.  You were the ones who made sure he was fed, clothed and had a good education.  You were the ones who shuttled him to and from his after school activities and cheered him on from the stands.  You supported him through friendships and hearbreaks.  You were the one's who sat up with him on nights that he was sick.  That is what real parents are.

 

How is your realtionship with your son?  Does he have contact with his biological parents?


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#4 rosered135

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 02:30 PM

Grandmalarissa, my heart goes out to you and DH (dear husband)! And I second everything mainegirl said above!

 

I'm not clear, though, on whether or not the GC (grandchildren) are being kept away from you or if they're simply not being taught to call you "Gramma" and "Grampa" or any other GP names. If it's the first, I can barely imagine the pain and again, my heart is with you. If it's the 2nd, I feel for you, too. But I've been in a similar situation as an aunt and though I appreciate that it may not be quite the same, I can assure you, there are ways to deal with this. Please let us know more specifically how DIL's attitude is impacting on you so we can, perhaps, give more helpful suggestions.Welcome!



#5 PhalenMum

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 10:58 PM

I want to take your DIL and shake her till her teeth rattle.

 

Family is not always connected by blood, but by laughter and tears and time (not to mention LAW)

 

The moment you signed the adoption papers and got a Judge's approval you became your son's parents, and for your DIL to say such hurtful things makes me angry for you and for your son.

 

I'm adopted myself and would never dream of cutting my PARENTS out of my life because they don't share blood with me


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#6 NewMama

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 11:34 PM

I think my jaw just about hit the floor when I read that. What an awful and hurtful thing for your DIL to say. Parents are the people who love you and care for you. The biological ability to create a child doesn't make parents. 

 

What does your son say about this? I'd talk to him. Does he even know his wife said such a thing?


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#7 Cobaltblue

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 12:14 AM

I agree with all the above posters.  YOU and your DH are his parents. You chose to be his parents.   I am sorry for all the hurt and pain that you DIL has given you. 


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#8 lil-things

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 02:07 AM

time or bed but had to put in my 2 cents here.

I agree with everyone above, but maine girl, almost said it all. She forgot, taught DS to be the man your Dil fell in love with.



#9 KaIana

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 02:40 PM

I have a phrase I use in life when I feel someone has done or said something totally out-of-bounds, and it fits here:  OFF WITH HER HEAD!

 

Having said that...how serious is your DIL?  Is she keeping you away due to her thinking?  Was it a passing remark (hurtful, and not meaning as huge and complete a situation as it can be considered)? 

 

Your son can do something about this! 



#10 Long Distance

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 05:32 PM

Good Lord, Yes Off with Her Head!!! I have two adopted children who were 5 & 6 when we adopted them after our others were grown. I have wondered about future scenerios when they are older but gotta say this wasn't one of them. Maybe ask her if she would like the biological parents of your son to be involved, heaven knows what a mixed bag that could be. Drug users, child molesters, rapists are unfortunate possibilities. I'm not being mean or sarcastic here those ARE the people who had my kids before I got them. We've been up the hill, down the hill and round the block MANY times due to the abuses inflicted on these kids and have a ways to go till they are on their own. Parents/future grandparents are the ones who are along for the ride with these kids, not the ones who made for all the bumps along the way. 

I seriously can't believe your DIL would say that to you. Obviously not a relationship building comment to her MIL.



#11 Oatmeal

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Posted 25 June 2013 - 02:12 PM

Is there more to this story?

 

I ask because I have a cousin with a similar story.  He wasn't told his Dad wasn't his real Dad until he was like 18 and then he pretty much estranged his entire family.



#12 grandmalarissa

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Posted 26 June 2013 - 08:50 AM

TO Clarify:

 

I am not to go over to son and dil's home unless invited, and there have been no invitations since grandbaby was one month old.  New  (my first) grandbaby is going on four months of age now.  DIL asked me if my son's "birthmother" knows she is a "grandma".  Although it was an open adoption and I wrote faithfully to my son's birthmom for over 18 years, there was never any response from her, so no, she doesn't "know she is a grandma"... (and probably wouldn't care).

 

I have a good relationship with my son and he wants me to be a part of my grandchild's life, but dil is apparently quite concerned about biology.  Also, although I have been in maternity/well baby nursing for over 15 years as a profession, dil says that I hold, feed, burp, baby "wrong"......this on my first and last visit to their house when grandbaby was about one month old.

 

All I can think of is that I was so over the top excited about becoming a grandmother that I scared my dil off?  Or she just plain doesn't like me?  My son and dil have been married exactly one year.  Her Mom gave the baby shower but didn't invite me to it until I had a 'hissy fit' to my son and he forced them to include me.  I just don't know where this hostility is coming from.

 

It may be interesting to note that my own very biological father did not recognize my or my sister's adopted children as "his".  He also had adoption issues.  So maybe my dil and her mom just have adoption issues???

 

Thank you all for writing.

 

Grandmalarissa



#13 WhichWayU

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Posted 26 June 2013 - 02:10 PM

I wonder the bio/adoption angle is being used as an "excuse" for other issues that might be harder for them to discuss.  It may be sort of a primitive approach to keep you from taking further liberties and crossing further boundaries.  Immature, yes.  But they may not yet have the ability to express themselves better in response when wanting to say: "know your place".

 

If that's the case, there _is_ good news here. Since you can't do anything about being an adoptive mother, but fortunately you are in control of your own behavior around them.

 

Quote: I am not to go over to son and dil's home unless invited, and there have been no invitations since grandbaby was one month old.  

 

Since common manners would say guests don't ever go over to anyone's home unless invited anyway, I'm wondering if there has been a self-inviting issue.  Perhaps taking for granted an open door policy or something along those lines.

 

 

  Quote: Also, although I have been in maternity/well baby nursing for over 15 years as a profession, dil says that I hold, feed, burp, baby "wrong"......this on my first and last visit to their house when grandbaby was about one month old.

 

I would suggest next time only if Son or DIL offers to gives you their baby to hold, then hold her for just a few minutes -- exactly the way DIL wants you to hold her baby--  and then cheerfully give her back.  (And not that you do, but never, ever "baby grab", which is trying to take a baby from someone's arms without being _invited_ to do so by the parent.  And always ask first before picking up someone else's child.).   I think Son and DIL should do all the feeding and burping and other child-care when you visit from now on.   I'm not sure if they _asked_ you to do feed and burp the baby for them. I don't know why they'd need you to do that since the mother was right there.

 

I don't know if you adjusted the way you were holding (burping,feeding) the baby to the way DIL preferred, or if you instead "corrected" the mother or explained that you knew what you were doing and kept holding her the way you preferred.  I'm also not sure if you graciously gave the baby back to DIL the _second_   the mom seemed concerned about the way her child was being held, fed and burped.  I hope that you did.  If not, I think it would have been better if you had responded to the baby's mother obvious anxiety in a way that did not increase it.

 

The new mother may not have known how to ask for her baby back, so she ended up putting up a wall.  When someone doesn't know how to maintain little boundaries or isn't assertive enough to directly ask for (demand?) their child back, they can end up establishing even firmer "blanket" boundaries to make sure they're not ever put in that position again.   "No visits" is extreme, but from DIL's view it ensures you won't do something with her infant that makes her uncomfortable again.

 

Also, not saying that you did this (I don't know) , but worth mentioning just in case -- despite your professional experience make sure not to ever offer unsolicited advice to the new mother.  If she _asks_ for specific advice, that's fine.  But if she doesn't ask, then don't offer.  Unsolicited advice to a new mom sounds like an insult. Although intentions may be only good, to the new mother it is like she is being told:  "you don't know what you're doing".  It feels like an insult. And it can sound like a bit of a brag "I'm a better mother than you".  Which might explain why she's playing a "real mother" adoption card as an immature response to a perceived "who's the better mother" challenge. 

 

Quote: All I can think of is that I was so over the top excited about becoming a grandmother that I scared my dil off? 

 

Since you mentioned it, I think you might be onto something there. 

 

 

 

Quote:   Her Mom gave the baby shower but didn't invite me to it until I had a 'hissy fit' to my son and he forced them to include me.  I just don't know where this hostility is coming from. 

 

Oh my. From the "choose your battles" department.  Good manners and not interfering in the young couple's marriage probably could have helped a lot in this situation before their baby even arrived.

 

re: Manners - - I don't know what DIL's mom's issues were not to invite you in the first place, and I certainly understand why you were feeling left out, but I can't imagine trying to force someone to invite me to a party.   I think that kind of self imposition and rudeness sets a bad tone for a relationship.  Using your good manners, even when other were being thoughtless, probably would have done more to improve this situation long term.  What's a party for DIL compared to a relationship where the baby's parents can trust you.  Would not be worth the tradeoff for me.

 

re: Interfering in a Marriage -- Pitting husband against wife is never, ever a good idea.   Encouraging your son to go against your DIL for your own purposes is the fast track to making yourself seen as "the enemy" to the marriage and of course as an adversary to the DIL.  It eroded her ability to trust you.  It created more hostility.  This dividing of spouses may have worked for you once, and got you to the party, but I think your son and DIL may have recovered from it in a way that they had to build even stronger walls to protect their marriage from divisiveness.   A boundary was crossed and a smart wife won't let that happen twice.   If your son acted as your advocate and insisted you be invited _on his own_, that would be one thing.  That would be an issue between the two spouses.  For him to do it in direct response to a hissy fit from a third party means that DIL will now resist any time he says "but my mom is upset" because it will seem like a third person is now in their marriage.  The result of that is you being upset about anything, such as not seeing the baby, is now rendered a nonfactor to influencing DIL.   

 

It can be upsetting to new moms if something is said along the lines of implying rights to someone else's child.  In terms of making sure you got yourself invited, I wonder if you had asserted yourself as having some kind of "right" to be invited because "that's my grandson" or because "I'm a grandmother too".  If so, then DIL's response about adoption may be a childish neener-neener "No you're not!"  as a way to say "you can't claim rights to my child" rather than a deeper prejudice about adoption.  Many new mothers can't stand it when a grandmother refers to their grandchild as "my baby".  That may not be too surprising.  (I personally never minded anyone saying "my baby" about my baby since I knew who's baby it was, but many other mothers don't like it.  Even from their own mothers).  But in addition to that, I've learned from reading here that even a grandmother saying "MY grandson" can upset a new mother.  (So can saying "MY son" about what a DIL sees as HER husband. Huh who knew.).  They tend to prefer the proper names or "your son/baby".  (As in, May I pick up your baby? May I pick up Ryan?  Instead of, May I pick up my grandson?).  

 

(continued next post)



#14 WhichWayU

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Posted 26 June 2013 - 07:06 PM

(continued from last post)

 

So what to do now??   I wonder if a sincere apology would work to start to heal things.  Whatever DIL ( or her mom) said or did, that's on them.  All you can be responsible for is yourself and your own actions.  There were some real boundaries crossed and there was real rudeness on your end.  Whether it's from being too excited, or a momentary lapse of reason, or the learning curve of new grandparenthood, you can take responsibility for yourself.  You can try to make amends from your end. 

 

You're not a bad person.  You made some rookie mistakes.  You can apologize for specific things you've done (rudeness, self-inviting to parties, hospitals, visits, whereever,;interefering in their marriage; hissyfits when you didn't get your way; if you didn't give baby back when DIL said you were doing it wrong), you regret it, you're sorry you imposed on them. And you can explain you've done some soul searching and some research on new grandparents, and you understand they're good parents who are in charge of themselves and their family, you've learned to respond better to their cues as good parents,  and learned be more mannerly in the future.  And no more hissy fits - (at least in front of anyone except your husband). :)

 

Then be patient.  Oh I will send you internet waves of the ability to be patient.   Accepting the apology is up to them.  And what accepting it means for you going forward is also up to them.  But I have hope for you.

 

Someone here may help you be able to phrase the apology.  Given the recent history, I don't think it's about adoption. I think bringing it up is a result of other issues, not a core issue.   And that's a good thing - because you _can_ do something about what appears to be the more immediate issues.  Good luck and I hope you come back with a good news update!



#15 rosered135

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 01:57 AM

Thanks for coming back and answering our questions, grandma! And for being so open and honest about what has occurred. I think WWU's posts make a lot of good sense, even if some of it may be hard to accept. I'm not sure if "adoption issues," sadly, are a major problem here, in addition to  the other ones or if, as WWU suggests, DIL and her mom are using that  (how obnoxious!) as a response to the other problems - but clearly, IMO, other issues do exist.

 

If it's any comfort, from reading on these boards, I know that some of these issues are very common. Many parents, today, are less tolerant/even less tolerant of GPs just "dropping over" or inviting themselves over than we were, years ago. (Even back then, I didn't like "drop-ins" and DH was very unnerved the couple of times my mom showed up unannounced.) So, IMO, it's not  unusual that DS (dear son) and DIL expect that you only come over if invited. And it doesn't , necessarily, have anything to do with the fact that DS was adopted.

 

Nor is it unusual for GPs not  to see their new GC all that often, during the early months of life. Now that dads tend to pitch in more, new moms don't seem to need as many extra hands. And so, having guests - even if "family" - is often just seen as another chore, rather than a help. Since DIL has criticized the way you feed and burp baby, etc., I'm guessing that you tend, with the best of intentions, to offer such help when you visit - and that she just doesn't want/feel the need for it.

 

Also, I'm wondering how often you saw DS and DIL b4 baby was born? GPs often expect that the number and/or frequency of visits will increase after the arrival of a baby. And sometimes, they do. But many young parents, today, expect, to the contrary, that once the GPs get to "meet and greet" the new baby, visits will go back to how they were, previously. If you only saw DS and DIL, once every few months, or less, b4 baby's arrival, for better or worse, that may be as often as they're planning/expecting to see you now.

 

I appreciate, of course, the fact that you were in "maternity/well baby nursing for 15 years." But I'm not clear on whether that's ongoing or in the past. If it's in the past, some of what you "know" may have changed since then. But even if it's ongoing, if your methods conflict with what DIL has read/been told/ just feels more comfortable with, then she's going to ask you to do it differently. I hope she showed you what she'd like, instead of crying out, "No! You're doing it wrong!" But, either way, if you argued with her about it (and I hope you didn't), that might be another reason why you haven't been invited for a few months (maybe not, I'm just feeling around for possibilities). In the future, I agree with WWU that you would do better simply to follow DIL's wishes concerning her baby.

 

As for the shower, I think it's very odd that DIL's mom didn't invite you. And while a hostess has a right to invite whom she chooses, IME, people usually do include both GMs at a baby shower and I feel it was "bad form" not to. I know that must have hurt and I am very sorry about it.

 

It's also rude, of course, as WWU points out, to demand an invite to an event, no matter how much you (general) feel you "should" be included. No doubt, your "'hissy fit'" and the resulting tensions it must have caused between DIL and DS probably did not endear you to DIL and her mom.  I understand why you felt and reacted as you did and that you may have felt you were standing up for yourself. But, unfortunately, as a result, you may have started off on a bad foot with them.

 

Ok, IDK if DIL's mom failed to invite you at first out of ignorance or stupidity regarding your standing as an adoptive mother or whether, as WWU speculated, the "adoption issue" arose in response to something you said in that fit. Either way, I think it was very wrong of them to "go there." But, unless I'm reading this wrong, it seems obvious to me that there were problems between you and DIL and/or you and her mom b4 baby was even born. Perhaps, as you say, yourself, your own "excitement" over the coming baby may have overwhelmed DIL (also not unheard-of - in fact, we hear it very often on this site). Or maybe it goes back further than that. You would know that better than I.

 

One other thought about DIL's interest in DS' bio mom - It may just interest her b/c this woman is part of her baby's history. Did she ever express any interest in her b4 baby came along? If not, that may mean it's just about family heritage or even medical history, etc. it may even be a reflection of her own excitement about baby and everything to do with baby.

 

Or not. But even if she is uncomfortable with the fact of adoption, the other issues here could still, perhaps, be dealt with, as WWU has suggested. Perhaps if you can smooth out your relationship with her - refrain from self-inviting (that is, if you ever have), avoid offering to feed, etc. baby and honor the parents'/DIL's wishes on all matters regarding baby, including how to hold, etc., don't lean on DS to change DIL's mind anything, no matter what - she'll begin to see, in time, that it doesn't matter if you're the bio mom or not - what matters is that you were the mom who was there for him and you're willing to adjust now to be part of their and baby's life.



#16 grandmalarissa

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 11:53 AM

Hi all who wrote:

 

I do appreciate all who wrote me their thoughts, opinions, etc....very much appreciated:)

 

As it stands, I don't see grandbaby at all .  I did go by once to see grandbaby when dil and grandbaby were home from the hospital (at about one month of age) and that is the only visit I have ever made since baby's birth.

 

I never had any in-laws before now, so don't exactly know how to be a good one.  My husband's parents were both deceased before we married and he was an only child.  We were told by doctors early on that we could not have children, so we adopted our first son as a newborn, then had two biological children, a boy and a girl, in quick succession. (Three children in four years during our "old age" 30-s/40-s).

 

DIL didn't tell me about holding/feeding/burping baby incorrectly, I found out about it after the fact as related to me by my son. 

 

RE: the baby shower, I found out about it from a mutual acquaintance who told me about it, assuming I was going to be there.  DIL's mom told me later that she couldn't invite me because she didn't know my address. 

 

RE: my son's bio mom: DIL never brought this up until after the baby arrived, so I don't know her motives for doing so.  Perhaps they were motivated by an interest in her baby's biology/heredity?  Son's bio mom has refused contact with us and son has never mentioned being interested in contacting her, although he has been interested in bio dad (an unknown person)  We have photos of his bio mom plus one letter she wrote to him; we gave these to him when he turned 18 along with her contact info.   

 

At any rate, although I also work as a free lance author, writing magazine articles (baby/child/parenting), I did not offer any advice to DIL about her methods of baby care, realizing that she feels I am very old fashioned in my methods....which is typical of generational differences, so never went "there" hoping to avoid problems.

 

I tried to be loving, supportive during their first year of marriage/pregnancy/birth of baby.  I gave them extensive hospital tours (I work at the maternity dept. where they were to deliver), and decorated their hospital room, purchased the hospital newborn photos, performed the newborn baby testing (at their request), explained everything, answered their questions, tried to be grandmotherly and professional at the same time, but things took a wrong turn  after the birth.

 

So, yes, I have stopped interfering in their lives.  I still occasionally send them a baby gift (through the mail) even though we only live 20 minutes apart.  I realize that they don't want me involved with the baby at this point and they do have every right to make that decision.  My husband suffered two major strokes five years ago and can't actively participate as "grandpa" so I guess I was trying to "make up" for that and did too much.  We also have an adult disabled son who lives with us, and a daughter who is off at college, so I was the only one doing the interfering. 

 

When I was last at their house, I noticed that DIL had a huge framed "Family" collage of photos on the wall, with her, my son and the baby, naturally, plus her relatives.  I didn't say anything although I did feel hurt, as the maternal grandparents were seen proudly holding baby.  They babysit every week and are very close to DIL and baby. 

 

My son told me that DIL and baby will never come to visit us because our house is too messy. It IS messy.

 

I think things are past the point of getting worked out, and I feel I have finally accepted that I will never have a part in my grand-daughter's life. 

 

I should have gotten a clue from the baby shower and not gone where I was not wanted.  I will eventually learn to stop sending baby gifts too, but it's taken awhile to come down off the over-excitement about becoming a grandparent for the first time.  My son acknowledges the baby gifts, but DIL does not.  Clue number two, right?

 

Hopefully I won't wait until Clue Number 3 is necessary!

 

best wishes to all,

grandmalarissa

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



#17 lil-things

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 12:45 PM

Family can be the biggest hurt in your life. I am 2nd wife to DH. So we have a very large extended family. 2 of the G's were born before we were married. 2 after. We also have 5 GG''s. I have always had the open door.  We do not separate the kids with the word step. they are all ours.  

 

We have a GD, that was sending pics of GGD & GGS. I would then send them the her Mother, which GD was not talking to. Well she found out I was doing this and sent me  really nasty and hurtful, email. DH's X was doing the same thing. but that was ok. Mothers,  Mother could do no wrong. Oh well, I feel it is her lose, DH and I are only Grand parents alive now, and it is her lose to her Children.  GD has contacted me for family tree info.  I ignore her.

 

My Brother would go visit his in-laws. They had to pass the block I lived on and never stopped at my house. Again Oh Well. Their lose.

 

I could go on and on about family hurts. But won't.

 

I have read your posts and it sounds, to me like your DS, is Hen pecked. Until he grows a backbone, DIL will call the shots. Don't know what DIL's problem is, and until someone gets in her head u never will.  I understand how hard this is being GC is the first.

Something just hit me, this could be. post partum depression.

 

Good luck.



#18 WhichWayU

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Posted 27 June 2013 - 03:55 PM

Thank you for the update.  I am so sorry for your situation.  I also want to tell you that I think besides being cruel and ridiculous to you, that DIL is not being very nice to her husband.  I can't imagine some of the things she said how it must feel to him.  To have his wife tell him he doesn't have a mother, when he obviously does.  To pretend to him that he wasn't raised by people who wanted him and love him with all their hearts. To try to make him feel rejected by his birth mother.   To ask you if the bio mom knows about the baby when her own husband can tell her that, he has the contact info (and as if it's your job to contact his bio mom at this point).   Not that you should talk to your son about this (!), but just to let you know my personal opinion is:  I think there are BIG marriage problems.  And when there are marriage problems, the IL problems make sense.  I think she's taking out her problems she has with him (whatever they are - however big a role he plays in them) on you.  For some reason (perhaps merely my naivete; or because it didn't come up until right after baby's birth), I still don't think adoption is the real issue.  I think adoption is the perceived vulnerability, the soft spot that she's striking in him and as a result in you, to try to get herself some power.   

 

And that cruelty to him, how she treats him poorly in my opinion, might explain why he does not advocate for you, if he's not prepared to advocate for himself.  "Yes wife, I do have parents who raised me and who love me just like your mom loves you, thank you very much, wife. So quit telling me I don't when I do."   But then, we don't and can't know how he treats her behind closed doors, that she resorts to this to try to assert power. 

 

Of course we don't know what we don't know.  She seemed mostly open to you - as you said she even selected you as a health care provider for some newborn tests.  (Now I wonder did your son push her for that, and she finally pushed back -- way back -- when her mama bear came out? Much like he felt forced to push her and her mother for the shower invitation?).  So many times we see how MIL-DIL problems can be caused by the son-husband not setting proper boundaries of his own.  They've only been married a year.  The fact that DIL only said that about the holding/burping wrong to DS and not to you or him at the time tells me this DIL has some reservations about communicating her limits.  She might be an under-reactor then over-reactor type (not uncommon in the young).  

 

All that being said, I still wonder if a genuine apology about the shower hissy fit and forced self-invitation might help begin to soften things, because I still think an apology for that is warranted.   And any apologies for what you think might have gone wrong in what you term "overexcitement".   It could send to she-who-does-not-communicate-her-limits-well the signal that you are recognizing limits. My other thought about an apology is, offering it could help you temper any future feelings of regret that may come over you later.   But I also understand why lying low and just accepting what is might be what works best for you right now.  Risking exposing yourself to more of that garbage spew is a choice, and there's something to be said for choosing not to.  Maybe these kids (DS and DIL) will grow confidence and common sense as they grow older. It's very early in baby's life.  Who knows what the future will bring.

 

Your honesty and openness is refreshing and I imagine serves you well in your frame of mind and in your other relationships.  Take care.


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#19 Philippa1961

Philippa1961

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 03:33 PM

I've only skimmed through as I've just joined and will be posting what's making me so sad.  I feel for you and it's cruel to be in the situation. 

 

I'm on the other side of the coin as I am a mother who went thrugh an extreme form of coercion to surrender my son.  Just remember you are a real mother to your son and I hope that this can be resolved in a positive way.