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Lost weekend visit with my grandbabies


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#21 PhalenMum

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 02:50 AM

if she was pilfering (btw points for using that word!) then she either was trying to make a situation where she could pull away or she was trying to find something that went missing, or she has sticky fingers.

 

But go up and reread your OP. It looks like you got into some sort of argument about her rules, your opinions of her marriage and the grandchildren.

 

All I CAN do is presume because you didn't give us the whole story, that's the thing with the internet, you come here and ask for advice but don't give the whole picture. How can we give you good advice (even if it's not what you want to hear) without knowing the whole situation?

 

 

BTW stop letting your son vent about his wife to you (and if you have been telling him your opinion of their relationship, stop that too)


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#22 maybelsmom

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 02:59 AM

Wow, unbelievable!!   Not knowing the full picture one should not be so anxious to persecute grandma.    Wrong forum I guess.



#23 rosered135

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 05:33 AM

I'm so sorry that you feel "persecuted," maybel. And that some posters came on too strongly for your taste. I don't think it's your fault that DS tells you his problems with DIL - that's on him. And I know it might be hard for you, as his mom, to shut it down when he seems to need to "vent." As a mom of AC (adult children), myself, I know that would be hard for me, too. I don't think it has helped though, as you acknowledge yourself, especially since he seems to be "venting" both ways. And I think that, from now on, after perhaps making a few sympathetic ("poor dear") noises, you need to direct him back to DIL/let him know he needs to work it out with DIL - or better yet, if you can make it ring true, tell him that you're "confident" that he and she can solve the problem.

 

BTW, I meant to say, earlier, that I realize that "chief cook and bottle washer" is an expression that often means "does most/all of the household chores." But even if that's what DS is doing, isn't it possible that DIL is taking on some of the traditional male tasks, such as handling the finances, taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, etc? IOWs, it could be a turnabout marriage, increasingly common, these days. You may not agree with that, but I'm hoping it may be some comfort to realize that he may not be as unfairly treated as it appears. 

 

Also, I didn't mean to make light of your feelings. As a nanny granny, myself, I know how deep the bonds can get between GP and GC and I don't think that's necessarily "unhealthy." And I'm sure the kids miss you though, trust me , they're ok.

 

Regarldess, DIL may be having second thoughts about how often she is away from the kids. Also, I have to agree that you've given us 2 different reasons for the more recent issues between you and DIL. I hope you come back and clarify. But even if not, my thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.



#24 BlueEyedGirl

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 12:01 PM

Maybel, I realize that sometimes this forum can be hard to take at first, but the advice is sound. We can only provide commentary on the details that we have to discuss. When you use words like "mom is the problem" and suggest that she is doing something wrong because your son is shouldering a lot of the housework - the first instinct here is to suggest that you may know too much about their home life and that your safest bet is to ask your son to stop sharing so much about his wife with you. When he shares all of this negativity with you, it creates a very negative view of your DIL for you. I'll be honest, when I read your first post, I too got the impression that you think very negatively of her based on the information that you provided.

 

If we don't know the full picture, if you feel like sharing, we ARE here to help. One of the most interesting things about MILA is that we have such a wide range of personalities here. We have MILs and DILs and moms and grandmothers and those that aren't either yet that all come here hoping to find help and to offer help.

 

Sometimes the forum can feel harsh to a new poster because people are trying to be direct with you in order to save you some future pain. You are very concerned right now about losing your granddaughters correct? Out of curiosity, what advice did you want to hear when you came? Did you want to hear constructive advice that will hopefully help you to mend the relationship? Or "advice" that will make you feel better about your position but do nothing to actually fix the situation and leave you exactly where you are 6 months from now or possibly cut off from your grandchildren? If anything, I tend to be more mild in my advice in general for a number of reasons, but quite frankly at the end of the day, you have to remember that just as what WE here are responding to - part of YOUR story - the bits and pieces you have shared with us....you also only have part of the story. The only people that know the true dynamics of a family's household are the ones that live in the household. Your son sharing the negatives with you create this view for you that make you feel negative about your DIL but does he share positives as well. Do you feel this instinct with your granddaughters to protect them from their mother? Does your son work weekends and you feel like mom is pawning them off on you? We are here to listen but we can only respond to the details that we have and when they are all things that are out of your control and have to do with your expectations our response in general is usually going to be the same - you can only change your own expectations and control your own feelings and actions.


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#25 Mdgrandma

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 12:14 PM

Maybel .... this forum can be a bit direct but most times very helpful. Your original post left a lot of questions needing answers before a full opinion could really be given.  The only thing I can really say is that when your son begins to vent about his wife to you change the subject.  He shouldn't discuss his wife with you under any circumstances.  As for whatever happened that is causing your DIL to keep the girls from you, more information on the rules she was trying to enforce would be helpful. 


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#26 oscarsmaman

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 12:26 PM

When you said, "When I asked my son why he won't stand up to her he replied that he did not want her to use the kids against him" it sounds like you're getting involved in how they conduct their marriage.

#27 Elaine1954

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 01:13 PM

I get the feeling your DS has much of the responsibility in your fallen relationship. He should not be speaking of his DW to you as there are two sides to every story. How difficult for any mother not to show bias. Perhaps DS is using his DW as a scapegoat and he too feels as she?

#28 rosered135

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 01:22 PM

"My problem is going from weekly visits to being cut off indefinitely."

 

Once again, as a GP caregiver, myself, I can just about imagine how painful that must be. The time I spend with my DGC (dear grandchildren) has lessened, recently, now that they both go to fulltime school and, in the summer, day camp. And I know it will decrease more as they get older. But if they were suddenly torn from me, entirely, I know it would hurt me very deeply!

 

Ordinarily, I would suggest finding other ways to fill your time. But it's not as if you had them several days a week and could use the time to get household chores done or pick up on an old hobby... well, unless you work during the week and could use the weekends to socialize with friends, etc. I know little or nothing will make up for missing them, completely - I'm just trying to think of some things that might help.

 

Some estranged GPs swear by volunteer work. If that appeals to you (and if you're not already doing it or even if you are), please note that GP.com has established the GrandCorps (see the very top-left  of this screen) to help hook up GPs/Seniors/Boomers with volunteer activities in their vicinity that interest them.

 

BUT  if this rift only occurred, recently, it's possible DIL is still just angry and when she calms down, she'll reach out to you again, if only for a few weekends of babysitting. Chances are the 4-yr-old, especially, will ask for you, from time to time and her mom will, eventually, relent. (When I said the kids are "ok," I meant simply that, fortunately, I think, kids bounce back emotionally, faster than adults, in most cases, not  that they don't ask for you or want to see you.) Unless this last incident was, somehow, the culmination of an ongoing issue, I don't think this separation is necessarily permanent. And even if it was the latest in a series of problems, I still feel there's some hope here. You may not be asked to watch the kids as often as b4 - DS and DIL may decide they need the weekends to spend time together as a family - but it's very possible, IMO, that you'll be sought out for childcare, once a month or every other weekend - not what you were used to, no doubt, but better than nothing.... Just a thought...



#29 KikisMama

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 01:41 PM

I do agree that son should be teamed up with his wife but he also should be the man of the house and head of his family according to
God's design. I shared the details about DIL to illustrate the family dynamic. I do not interfere with their lives. I did not want to go into a long story about what transpired, but it was of a petty nature brought on by DIL pilfering my house which had nothing to do with the children. She became angry with me when confronted and decided to punish me by huffing off with the children in tow telling me in front of the children that they would no longer be visiting. Also, she has arranged her work schedule so she is off when son is working and takes the children to daycare anyway. I am not trying to go on a rant about DIL just making an observation to provide more background. My problem is going from weekly visits to being cut off indefinitely.

You do know that not everyone believes in god, right? And, many who do believe in god still do not subscribe to the idea of a patriarchal god. We still don't know much about what happened to cause this dust up and can only speculate. So here I go speculating. Do your son and his wife share you religious view? I am guessing one of both of them do not or you wouldn't have this judgment about how they choose to divvy up home and family responsibilities because they would be doing it he way you think they should. Personally, if my little girl was getting a lot messages from anyone along the lines of men are supposed to lead families and women are to submit, I would start cutting way back on the amount of exposure she was getting to whomever was giving her those messages and time alone with that person would end immediately. Just a thought, wondering if religious differences might be causing strife.
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#30 Cobaltblue

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Posted 02 July 2013 - 05:25 PM

maybelsmom,
I sent you a PM. Look at the top right of the below the Grandparent site line and above the search line. You should see a red spot on your envelope. Click this and you will see my message.

#31 Mommanonamous

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Posted 02 July 2013 - 07:20 PM

You do know that not everyone believes in god, right? And, many who do believe in god still do not subscribe to the idea of a patriarchal god. We still don't know much about what happened to cause this dust up and can only speculate. So here I go speculating. Do your son and his wife share you religious view? I am guessing one of both of them do not or you wouldn't have this judgment about how they choose to divvy up home and family responsibilities because they would be doing it he way you think they should. Personally, if my little girl was getting a lot messages from anyone along the lines of men are supposed to lead families and women are to submit, I would start cutting way back on the amount of exposure she was getting to whomever was giving her those messages and time alone with that person would end immediately. Just a thought, wondering if religious differences might be causing strife.

I agree. And not all people who believe in a patriarchal God believe in "women's" work and "men's" work. DH and I are Christians. We are also partners. I support him and he supports me. We have equal say in our marriage. And together, we have decided that we will share the chores in a certain way. And it is no one's business but our own. If he feeds and changes our DS every night before bedtime, scrubs the toilet, dries the dishes, and helps with laundry, that does not mean he is less of a husband, man, and leader in our home. He may not like having to do this (I mean, who likes chores?), but he has agreed to take on the tasks, and that is important in a marriage. We help each other and often have to put our wants to the side to meet the needs of the other/the entire family unit. 


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