Quantcast

Jump to content

Chat


Photo
- - - - -

Financial Support For Children/Grandchildren


  • Please log in to reply
12 replies to this topic

#1 ceciliakmorris@tx.rr.com

ceciliakmorris@tx.rr.com

    Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 1 posts

Posted 22 February 2014 - 06:13 PM

Where do you draw the line on financial support? 



#2 rosered135

rosered135

    Moderator

  • Moderators
  • 13111 posts
  • LocationNortheast, U.S.

Posted 22 February 2014 - 07:54 PM

Welcome Cecilia! I take it you're supporting your AC (adult child or children) and your CIL (child/children-in-law). And, maybe, perhaps, some GC (grandchildren), if any.

 

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "draw the line" though. Are you talking about no longer supporting them, period? Or are you asking what expenses the parents of AC should refuse to cover?

 

Generally speaking, IMO (in my opinion), you (general parent of AC) should avoid covering any expenses for luxuries and focus only on necessities. But as the AC - or AC and CIL/SO (significant other) - are able to cover more of the cost for their own necessities, you need to let them and cut back on your contribution. And once they are totally able to support themselves and their family, if any, then you need to let go, altogether and let them do it. (Oddly enough, at this point, I think, it's ok for GPs to sprint for such extras for the GC as dance class or Little League, if they'd like.)

 

Then again, if the AC refuses to work/look for work, has all kinds of excuses why they "can't," etc. or spends their money, irresponsibly, and then looks to you to pick up the slack, IMO, you need to start saying "No" or "Sorry but we just don't have it." That's hard to do, I know, however, if there are GC involved.

 

And this, I think, is where we get to individual cases and how each one is different. Some GPs would rather keep on making sure the GC's needs were met, even if they're enabling Mom and Dad. Others feel that, in the long run, it will be better for the parents to learn to stand on their own feet or risk losing their kids. It would be a lot easier for us to give replies that would help you in whatever your situation is, if you would give us more of the picture. I understand if you're not ready to do that. And, of course, you don't have to. But I hope you do, at some point, hopefully soon.

 

 

Meanwhile, it appears that you have your last name and full email addy in your username. For greater privacy, you may want to change that. If so, just click on http://www.grandparents.com/profile and change your name where shown. (You'll have to log out and log back in again for it to fully take effect.)


If you do this, immediately, it will be obvious, of course. However, generally speaking please always let a moderator or administrator know if you change your name (just click on their name and then Send a Message and go from there. Or mention it in a post.)



                            
                       


#3 PattyGram

PattyGram

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 986 posts

Posted 22 February 2014 - 07:54 PM

Needs vs wants.

 

We would spend (and borrow deep into debt) every last dollar we have for our kids needs. Wants are for gifts, IMO.



#4 MBear

MBear

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 1746 posts

Posted 23 February 2014 - 04:45 AM

I think there are too many factors in this to answer it in one post. But really I think if your child is an adult, then you draw the line where you want it. You don't owe an adult child anything.

#5 rosered135

rosered135

    Moderator

  • Moderators
  • 13111 posts
  • LocationNortheast, U.S.

Posted 23 February 2014 - 09:01 AM

I think there are too many factors in this to answer it in one post. But really I think if your child is an adult, then you draw the line where you want it. You don't owe an adult child anything.

 

I agree. Earlier, I gave my opinion about where  and how I thought it would be best to draw the line. But there are no "rules" about this. In fact, IMO, could  stop, entirely, if you wanted, whenever you felt like it and be well within your rights.

 

However, it's hard, I know, to "pull the rug out," so to speak, from people you love. And if you're in this situation, I doubt you're going to do that or you wouldn't be asking this question. But again, it's difficult to fully answer this question w/o the particulars...


  • MBear likes this

#6 BlueEyedGirl

BlueEyedGirl

    Moderator

  • Moderators
  • 2097 posts
  • LocationSouthern United States

Posted 23 February 2014 - 12:59 PM

Where do you draw the line? When you hit the point that you know that helping is enabling them and preventing them from doing it themselves. As parents, we want to help our children, no matter what their age.  But after a certain point, the more we help, the less they help themselves. If financial support is "I give them $500 to pay their rent once in a while, and they pay it back as quickly as they can." that's very different from "I've been paying their mortgage since they bought the house, they just can't seem to make it.. they just bought a brand new car, and took an expensive trip to XYZ for their anniversary. They don't have the money to pay me back but it would be nice if they would offer or even try to pay something."  If they live with you, is it rent free and they eat your food and you are basically paying for everything while they spend their money how they want to? That would be a line for me personally. But so would the second scenario I described above.

 

Only you know where YOUR particular line is drawn. If you are asking..I think it's already penciled in and you are trying desperately to justify to yourself what you feel is the right thing. If you want to draw the line, draw the line. They are adults.

 

I'll give you a quick story to show you how not drawing the line continued to contribute to a vicious cycle. I'm in my 40s. DH and I have been married for 20+ years. Back when we first got married, while he and I were working full time (and going to school full time) to pay our own bills, we had several friends (who were 5-7 years ahead of us in getting married and having children)  who decided to move in with their parents not long after they were married to "save" for downpayments on houses. They continued to use this particular option to allow mom to stay home and in general paid nothing to their own parents for supporting them. (I'm probably a little bitter about this, because they gave me such a hard time when we had our oldest and I went back to work, telling me that I could stay home with her if we really tried - and all the while being fully supported by his parents, who should have been retiring but were still working to support their lifestyle). We all proceeded to grow our families and this particular family continued to stay in his parents' home..and have 5 children. He drifted from job to job to job. She stayed home with the kids, while the grandparents continued to work to pay the bills. I think grandma and grandpa FINALLY drew their line when the oldest granddaughter announced she was pregnant and had no plans to move out on her own either. At this point, they had been living with his parents for coming up on 20 years. All of their children were school aged and gone during the day and their DIL continued to stay home. When grandma should have been enjoying her home and retirement, she was still working. I know there was some huge blow up - everyone heard all about it. And they were given an ultimatum - they had two months to get out.  Now that may sound harsh...but do you know what's interesting? It was the BEST thing they could have possibly have done for them. They both had to step up and they really got their act together. Grandma passed away not too long after and a few years later, grandpa was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. They were able to bring him to live with them and now they are taking care of him. But can you imagine what would have happened if they hadn't gotten out on their own and been supporting themselves when this happened?

 

Where to draw the line is a very personal thing. I think when you know that your money is a bandaid for a gaping chest would and you will be caught in a vicious cycle, it's definitely time to draw a line.



#7 ImpishMom

ImpishMom

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 2275 posts

Posted 23 February 2014 - 05:43 PM

I'll be honest. I figure adults are to be financially independent, period.

 

That being said, I could *totally* see myself helping out in an emergency. But, as an ongoing thing? No. 


  • mighty_mag likes this

#8 Tinka

Tinka

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3282 posts

Posted 23 February 2014 - 09:25 PM

It's too broad of a question to answer, imo.  Are we talking adults as in late teens/young twenties?  IMO, they are going to need some help (at the least) with college.  I'm unsure how young people are making it today with school loans.  My youngest sisters boyfriend has school loans, and while both sister and he have graduated and living on their own with full time jobs, the entry-level pay isn't enough to support them and pay back the loans.  Prior to knowing this DH & had already planned on paying our childrens tuitions, but this has only cemented that fact in my mind.


  • PattyGram likes this

#9 Mame925

Mame925

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 987 posts
  • LocationSan Francisco, CA

Posted 25 February 2014 - 05:05 PM

My kids have no desire to live with me.....that's a good thing and that's the way they were raised GO HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE!

 

If AC need a hand, in my house it would be an iron hand in a velvet glove. I'd need to know how much money is coming in and where the money is going for them to be needing my help. They would be showing pay stubs and bills and we'd be creating a budget that most likely would not include many credit cards, luxuries or fast food. When the kids were teens, the DH had them all in "finance camp" to teach them how to budget and live within their allowance/part time job means.  They all did well and was very empowering.

 

College tuition can be covered in many ways. I'm in CA, so the CalGrant program paid for all my kids tuition at public universities; we paid living expenses, but it was a bare bones situation and if they wanted a social life they needed to get a part time job...which they did. There is tons of free money out there, but you really have to make a project out of finding it. And if my AC wanted me to cover tuition, guess who would be the scholarship search project manager...and its not me!



#10 mighty_mag

mighty_mag

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 430 posts

Posted 26 February 2014 - 03:29 AM

As an AC who has been through some serious financial issues in the last 4 years, I don't think of it as my parents' job to support me.  That seems selfish, childish, and irresponsible to me.  I have never--and likely would never--ask my parents to help me out (unless I was facing homelessness with children, maybe).  Anything else, I would solve the problem on my own with my DH.

 

With that having been said, you draw the line where you are comfortable.  Unless your AC is mentally incapable of living alone, then they have no reason not to try.



#11 Mdgrandma

Mdgrandma

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 700 posts

Posted 26 February 2014 - 05:35 PM

My DH & I (we've been married 31 years) received help from my DM only once and that wasn't help it was a gift. She gave us money towards a down payment on our house. She had done the same for my sister. We NEVER EVER received help from either of our parents and frankly NEVER EVER would have gone to them for help financially. Believe me there were times we could have but frankly it is not our parents place to bail us out. If we couldn't afford it, we went without. Our DD's are grown with families of their own. If they need help, we try to help BUT IT'S A LOAN. We've told them that they need to understand that we have our own bills, ones that we're still paying on from raising them, and we can't afford to continue to support them. Each make more than my DH & I so they should live within their means.

Now our ODD may be moving in for a bit with her two DD's this coming summer. She is going through a divorce. We will be having her sign a lease and paying a small amount in rent to cover the increase in utilities. She'll be buying her own groceries and other 'supplies' for her and the girls. It's not going to be a free ride, we just can't afford it. Not to mention I don't want to make it so comfortable that she'll want to stay too long. I love my DD but I lived with her before and I remember all too well how she is and I'm just not feeling all warm and fuzzy about her moving back in.

#12 Mame925

Mame925

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 987 posts
  • LocationSan Francisco, CA

Posted 26 February 2014 - 07:34 PM


 

Now our ODD may be moving in for a bit with her two DD's this coming summer. She is going through a divorce. We will be having her sign a lease and paying a small amount in rent to cover the increase in utilities. She'll be buying her own groceries and other 'supplies' for her and the girls. It's not going to be a free ride, we just can't afford it. Not to mention I don't want to make it so comfortable that she'll want to stay too long. I love my DD but I lived with her before and I remember all too well how she is and I'm just not feeling all warm and fuzzy about her moving back in.
 
Consider having her pay a somewhat larger amount as her "rent", Whatever isn't needed for the increase in utilities save for her to use when she is closer to moving out. That "extra" could cover those pesky moving expenses that seem to creep up every move.


#13 Mdgrandma

Mdgrandma

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 700 posts

Posted 27 February 2014 - 07:30 PM

My Dh and I already talked about doing that. The mother of a friend of ours did that after he got out of high school. Charged him rent but put it in an account for when he was ready to move. He ended up having a nice down payment on a house. He didn't immediately go to college so between high school and college he paid the rent.