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HAVE TO PAY TO SEE GRANDKIDS!


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#1 MIMI76

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Posted 29 August 2009 - 03:04 PM

I NEED HELP IN HANDLING A SITUATION THAT IS ONLY GETTING WORSE WITH TIME. OUR SON IS MARRIED TO A VERY STRONG WILLED AND NASTY PERSON. I AM A VERY YOUNG GRANDMOTHER WITH PLENTY OF FREE TIME AND WILLING TO BABYSIT MY GRANDCHILDREN. WHEN THEIR FIRST CHILD WAS BORN THEY PUT HIM IN DAY CARE WHEN HE WAS THREE MONTHS OLD, EVEN THOUGH I OFFERED TO WATCH HIM. THEY ONLY CALLED UPON ME WHEN HE WAS SICK, COULDN'T GO TO DAYCARE AND THEY BOTH NEEDED TO WORK. THE FOLLOWING YEAR I WAS ALLOWED TO PICK HIM UP AT NOON FROM SCHOOL ONCE A WEEK FOR PLAYTIME. WHENEVER MY HUSBAND AND I ASKED TO TAKE HIM OUT FOR AN AFTERNOON ON SATURDAY, OR TO COME TO THEIR HOME TO VISIT, WE WERE ALWAYS TOLD NO, THEY WERE BUSY. THE SECOND CHILD WAS BORN, AND WE WERE ONLY ALLOWED TO HAVE HIM AT OUR HOUSE IF HE TOO WAS SICK AND COULDN'T GO TO DAYCARE, OUR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW HAD A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT, ETC......I DID GET A PART TIME JOB WHERE I WOULD CALL IN SICK JUST SO THAT I COULD HELP THEM OUT WITH THEIR SICK CHILDREN. NOW THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SO BAD THAT WE BEG TO SEE THE KIDS. THE ONLY TIME WE GET OUR SON AND HIS WIFE TO AGREE TO US SEEING THEIR CHILDREN IS IF WE TAKE THEM OUT FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH OR DINNER AT A RESTAURANT. WE HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING, INCLUDING COUNSELING A FEW YEARS AGO. WE ARE ALWAYS VERY NICE TO OUR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, TREATING HER LIKE OUR OWN DAUGHTER. SHE IS ALWAYS VERY SHORT WITH US AND WE CAN TELL SHE JUST HATES THE THOUGHT OF SPENDING ANY TIME WITH ANYONE IN OUR FAMILY. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS AS TO WHAT WE CAN DO? HOW SHOULD I HANDLE HER AND OUR SON?

#2 AnaBanana

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Posted 30 August 2009 - 09:17 AM

I empathize totally with you. My son has a new partner and together they just had a new baby. This makes granddaughter #2 for us.Both are my son's with different women. We have to make an appointment to see our new granddaughter and it cannot be at the same time our other granddaughter is with her father. And then for 1 hour only, so we have to travel 40 minutes one way to get 60 minutes with her and then another 40 minutes back home. The baby's mother makes a point of leaving the house when we are there. We have never been anything but welcoming to this woman but she wants nothing to do with our family. Until she came along we have all been quite close. I am sorry I know you wanted advice and not empathy. I wish I knew the solution. My first DIL was practically raised in this family and we are just now beginning to reconnect as it is the only way I get to have a relationship with my first grandchild (she lives with her mom, only 4 blocks from us)This is the main bone of contention between my son and I, even though it has been 3 years he is furious that I have anything to do with his ex.

#3 Simplyshy

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Posted 30 August 2009 - 05:44 PM

Good Afternoon, to Mimi & AnaBanana... Well Grands ... you both have something in common and it must be in the water... your sons...now I am just reading and re reading both your posts and it feels that way to me ... Sometimes our sons and daughters will tell a story about their chidhood and maybe their slant on it was wrong and they could have blamed you somewhat or all the way... and here and there with more stories or bad memories and talking to the new wife or girlfriend leaves a bad taste in their mouths for you ,, you did nothing that I know of ... yet they have an formed opinion about you. If they did this on purpose or just telling something and the female in these cases takes it differently and doesn't want her precious baby near such a meanie...or something as that .. understand? I am Simplyshy a Moderator and Mother Hen at Talking From The Heart and there I pray for people can't do it here... but you don't have to join for that ... just email me here and I will pray for you and just tell me that and that you agree in prayer... its all biblical and have had yrs. of experience with a Ministry Team and Deaconess of a Church I attended before getting sick.... I know it works I am living proof of prayer..and there is power in prayer.. So if either of you want prayers let me know and say that you agree with me in prayer.. I wi type it out for you to see it . its so important to me to see you both happy and enjoying those grandbabies ...all things are possible with Our God.. Take care ladies... Simplyshy.. Sandy

#4 pbblt

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Posted 30 August 2009 - 11:08 PM

I think it's wonderful you offered to babysit your GC. However, it is the parents decision of where to put the kids during the day when they work. It is their decision to have a 2-income household and not have a parent stay home. Many times, parents will feel that free babysitting isn't really "free", as there are strings attached. You offered, they said no. You describe your DIL as a horrible, nasty person. If your MIL had described you in that way, would you have wanted her to watch your kids? I would think not. Your DIL probably feels your animosity towards her, and does not want you around her kids without her there. She also probably doesn't want to spend her weekends, when it is family time (her, her DH, and their kids are a family, you are extended family), around someone who thinks so little of her. It is a perfectly reasonable request. Just because you have free time does not mean you get to babysit the kids. If you don't want to watch them when they get sick, say no.

#5 Legacyleader

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Posted 30 September 2009 - 02:44 PM

The new DIL appears to be very immature and jealous of the previous relationship you had with your first DIL and even your first grandchild.It is difficult for many first time mothers, who are second wives, to comprehend that the love a parent or grandparent feels for a child born out of the first marriage, stands alone, and is not always connected positively to the first spouse. You maybe polite to the first DIL out of respect for her position as mother to your grandchild. (In your case you actually care for her which makes it more difficult for the second wife.) Bottomline, unfortunately it takes a mature adult to be able to separate all these feelings out. The new DIL obviously feels threatened in someway and is punishing you with separation from your son and grandchild. I would back-off (you are being shut out anyway) keep a loving communication open with your son and first grandchild. If you back off it will force her to make something else her emotional punching bag and may open your son's eyes to her emotional immaturity. And I am in agreement with the other GM, prayer does change things! I am certain of that!

#6 Abysmm

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Posted 07 October 2009 - 05:37 PM

Paternal Gps never know for sure if the kids are their grandkids. You are paying to see kids you don't even know are your son's. Paternal Gp's are so silly. They are always fighting about time with Grandkids that might not even be theirs.

#7 bondcody38

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Posted 12 October 2009 - 10:28 PM

I have to say sorry my dauther is very like this woman we are talking about, however in my case I feel it is my fault. See, while I was raising her and her sister, I was involved in an very abusive relationship with this daughters' father, the other one, was by another man. Well any way she decided that no man or person would control her. So she is now bossing her bf around and using his and my ex's but only if she wants them to. She uses her baby as leverage, and I never tought her that.

#8 fredigram

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Posted 13 October 2009 - 12:46 PM

Such frustration, Mimi76! But if taking my GK (grandkids) and family to lunch, dinner, etc. was what it took for me to see them, that's what I'd do! Not for the parents' sake, but to spend time with the kids. I know it feels as if you're "paying" to see your GK, but I doubt your son and DIL are thinking of it that way. They probably just can't resist the free meal - and a chance to eat without having to "wait on" anybody. In fact, perhaps sometimes you could host a dinner or party at your house and invite them, along with other people. (One of the members on this ssite does this a lot.) Again the food and the "service" may attract them. And if they don't come, you'll still have other guests to enjoy. Also, the presence of others may take some of the "pressure" off your relationship with your son and DIL. Please realize that no matter how friendly you've been to your DIL, she just may never warm up to you. She may be too involved with her own family to open up to anyone else. Or she may think your warmth towards her is fake. (I'm sure it's not, but SHE might think so.) Or... whatever. Of course, you need to continue to be cordial to her, but from now on, please just focus on enjoying your GC whenever you do see them. All the best! @Ana - Usually, I'd suggest that you respect your son's feelings and stay away from his ex. However, in this case, it's clear you need to remain friendly with her in order to maintain your relationship with your older GD (granddaughter). Perhaps it would help to let your son know that your main motive here is that his ex is your est connection with that GD. Maybe not. I wish you all the strength you need to cope with this issue. @Absymm - I realize that everyone is entitled to their opinion. But I find your remark very cruel and negative. Why are you so cynical? @bondcody - Are you sure your daughter is using her child as "leverage?" When someone has a problem with a parent and they can't be together, that person often loses out on seeing the kids, too. Especially today. Most young parents, nowadays, are NOT willing to spend time with someone just so that person can see the kids, even if it's a relative.

#9 3TGrandma

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Posted 13 October 2009 - 06:18 PM

Sounds to me that you may benefit from a conversation with your son - be honest about the situation and let him know you want a relationship with your grandkids and want to spend time with them to develop that relationship.It's his place, in my opinion,to address the situation with his wife.Maybe an afternoon at the zoo would break the ice and make a memory to hold onto as a start. If your son is not able to melt the ice on first try - try again. Good Luck !

#10 Abysmm

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Posted 19 October 2009 - 03:56 AM

Fredigram, I just spoke the truth. I have seen this happen plenty of times. She can't trust this woman, so how can you believe, her when she says those are her son's kids. I have know plenty of women who have lied about paternity, so the man and his family are looking real stupid. It happened to a family member of mine, so i always say, you better be sure, before you make a stink...