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Learned last night kids moving far away


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#1 EmptynestGma

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Posted 08 November 2011 - 05:19 PM

I read somewhere that it is very like bereavement when you first learn your children/grandchildren are moving far away. I haven't stopped crying since last night when my daughter who is pregnant said she and her husband are moving with my grandson who is five months. I have spent almost every weekend with him in his short little five months and I am beyond in love with him. I am so broken hearted that I want to NEVER love a little creature so much ever again because it hurts too much to lose him. I am just done and I want to close up shop on my heart. This morning before work, I put away all my framed photos and removed every item from my frig which was wallpapered with memories of my kids and GS. I just can't look at any of them. They live 45 minutes from me now and in less than a month they will move thousands of miles away. And right now I don't even want to see them to say goodbye. My heart just can't take it. It might be easier IF I thought the move was a wise one. But I think they are making a mistake. They want to raise their children in the midwest near my SIL's large family. Now HIS parents get to be the hands on day to day grandparents. My dream of being a grandparent is over. Seeing them once a year is simply never going to be the same as seeing them every weekend. I thought I was wrong or a bad person about my feelings until I found this site and I realize it's not unusual to be brokenhearted. I appreciate any advice or support from those of you who have been through this.
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#2 BoopaGeepa

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Posted 19 December 2011 - 11:44 AM

I'm a grandfather and I love my granddaughter beyond comparison. Her picture is my screen saver on my computer and my wall paper on my cell phone. We have more pictures of her than of our own daughters. I understand how you feel. We live in Maryland and our 5 year granddaughter is in Washington State. They use to live nearby when she was younger. When my daughters were young, all I ever wanted was their happiness. Every time I talk to my daughter on the phone, she says she is happy which means my granddaughter is happy which makes me happy. When my daughter moved to Washington state, it was their decision to move, not mines to make. It didn't matter whether I thought it was a mistake or not, It was right for them . Is it the fact they are moving closer to his family that is bothering you? My SIL family lives in Wisconsin and when my granddaughter visits them. She has so much fun with her other grandparents, which makes me happy. I just want Aria to be happy where ever she is. Her happiness is tied to my happiness. I'm convinced of one thing, my granddaughter lives 3000 miles away but we will always be close because I will make sure of it. We talk on the computer via SKYPE weekly. We laugh and joke and do flash cards for about 45 minutes on the computer. We talk to my daughter everyday on the phone which means we talk to our granddaughter every day. We try to see them every six months. Taking them to the airport is never fun but that is the price I'll willing to pay to see her in person. Aria means the world to me and I can't imagine not being in her life. We already have discussed her coming to spend the summer with us when she gets older which I'm excited about it. it's just my opinion.
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#3 ameliah

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Posted 05 January 2012 - 04:01 PM

I have and still are experiencing the grief that you are feeling. Just like you, my daughter has moved across the country to be near her husband's family. I can not get used to this long distance grandparenting thing and probably never will, but today my daughter asked me not to call her more than once a wwek because she cannot take the guilt that my phone calls bring. I had no idea that I was projecting so much sadness and I realize now that if I continue in this vein, I will jeopardize my relationship with my daughter and my grandchildren. It is hard when you have made being an involved grandparent the identifying point of your life and it is snatched away . No I don't like this long distance thing, but it is all I have. My grandchildren do not belong to me and the privledge of being in their lives is completely in control of their parents. Acceptance of this new kind of grandparenting is very difficult, but the alternative, to lose them completely is much worse. Read some of the posts here for the horror stories. Put back your pictures. Be as involved as your children will let you be and try and focus on the positive. this advice is for me as well as you. Hang in there
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#4 notherme4

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Posted 04 February 2012 - 05:22 PM

This is now happening to me too. The kids now live 2 hours from us. We have visited with our grandson at least once a month since he was born. They would not allow us to visit when he was born- another sad issue I still resent but have forgiven. Now they are moving thousands of miles away in what we think is an unwise move for DIL to change jobs. She'll get the same pay and they will live in a much more expensive area of the country. In addition she had only 1 more year until she gained tenure at the university where she works. The move just doesn't even make sense to me. The whole thing seems like a really bad idea totally apart from my feelings. They will not be close to any other family members. I was wondering how your situation has evolved. Have you been able to accept the move? I am where you were in having a difficult time even being with my son and his wife and my grandson as it makes me so sad. I am so depressed after I see them that it takes me a week to get over it- in other words I can't get out or do much and tend to like my wine way too much. I already suffer from depression which is treated but this is a very big challenge to my mental well being. In addition another little boy is due this summer. I feel that I will never know him. To be honest I am not sure if I want to know him since he'll be so far away. I realize they are not doing this TO me, but that doesn't change how I feel. Let me know how it's going for you. Notherme4

#5 KayC11

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Posted 02 March 2012 - 03:51 PM

I got the same news a few days ago. I am torn between wanting to spend every minute with my 20 month old grandaughter or staying away a little more so the both of us can adjust. You described it perfectly as bereavement...

#6 NewbieKl

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Posted 19 May 2012 - 05:37 PM

I too will be a LD nana. The baby will be born in a few months and I am over a thousand miles away. I will be there after the birth to take care of my daughter for a few days. I will be staying at a nearby hotel to give the parents space and time to bond as a family. I will not insist on holding the baby or taking over. Reading these boards have given me a proactive education on what not to do. I plan on giving loads of loving encouragement and props. It will be tough to be so far away, but there is always the phone (DD dislikes Skype), e-mail, and text. I don't care for Facebook, so that's out. I believe it will be all good. DD loves me, I love her and we will both love this little girl. And if my DD really needs me right away, I'm only 3 hours away by plane. I'm really optimistic. Besides at this stage of the game, my 88 year-old newly widowed mother needs me close by and she is my number one priority.
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#7 five00somewhere

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Posted 29 July 2012 - 11:39 AM

I am so sorry for you and know that grief feeling. My son and family live 2 hours away and even though that sounds close they are going through the divorce process and one of them always wants custody on weekends, my son has 'issues' which breaks my heart and visitation is short at best, nothing like the way it used to be when my gs was with me for a week to 3 weeks at a time. It truly makes your heart hurt, you stay up at night and have spells during the day that just make you break down and cry so I truly know what is happening. Hopefully you have the means to get out to see them and will be given the opportunity to take them back with you on occasion. I know how heartbreaking this can be.

#8 Long Distance

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 04:37 PM

I know this is an old post but I am just reading and hoping some of you all have gotten some peace in your situations in the time since you posted. I'm new here and as bad as my long distance situation has me feeling these posts have me in tears. I AM NOT ALONE in my feelings and all the people telling me to get over it that I shouldn't feel this way are wrong. It is a natural way for a Mom/Grandma to feel when her family is ripped away from her. My own DS had to move his family 2 two years ago because of his job. My husband and I are still devastated even after two years. The round trip commute is 16 hours so can't happen as often as we would like, we are not wealthy nor retired so time and money factor into everything naturally. Plus all the travel really takes a toll when you aren't 30 anymore. This site is being helpful if only for the fact I don't feel so alone and isolated with my thoughts. We pretty much are the only folks we know whose child/grandchildren do not live very close to their parents so we see all the family outings on weekends and GP's at stores and festivals with their grandkids in tow and it just hurts so much.

I also have felt that my heart just could not take another thing but it has kept going. It hurts to look at the babies pictures, it hurts to see the drawings my DGS makes for me, but we have to chug along as though nothing is wrong. I often wish that there was a "future ball" for our children to look into so they might have better insight into the feelings of the grandparents. Maybe that high paying job isn't as important as catching fireflies in Pap Pap's yard at night or family reunions at the lake. I know they will one day realize this when it is their turn to grandparent and I really wish I could spare them the pain that they will feel. My husband says when we have passed on my son will regret the times missed.  My own father has expressed regret in his relationship with his parent after the fact realizing with the wisdom of age that maybe you should take others feelings into account when making life changing decisions.

I hope you get comfort in knowing you are not alone, it's all we have.


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#9 critter21

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Posted 23 June 2013 - 08:36 PM

I know this is an old post but I am just reading and hoping some of you all have gotten some peace in your situations in the time since you posted. I'm new here and as bad as my long distance situation has me feeling these posts have me in tears. I AM NOT ALONE in my feelings and all the people telling me to get over it that I shouldn't feel this way are wrong. It is a natural way for a Mom/Grandma to feel when her family is ripped away from her. My own DS had to move his family 2 two years ago because of his job. My husband and I are still devastated even after two years. The round trip commute is 16 hours so can't happen as often as we would like, we are not wealthy nor retired so time and money factor into everything naturally. Plus all the travel really takes a toll when you aren't 30 anymore. This site is being helpful if only for the fact I don't feel so alone and isolated with my thoughts. We pretty much are the only folks we know whose child/grandchildren do not live very close to their parents so we see all the family outings on weekends and GP's at stores and festivals with their grandkids in tow and it just hurts so much.

I also have felt that my heart just could not take another thing but it has kept going. It hurts to look at the babies pictures, it hurts to see the drawings my DGS makes for me, but we have to chug along as though nothing is wrong. I often wish that there was a "future ball" for our children to look into so they might have better insight into the feelings of the grandparents. Maybe that high paying job isn't as important as catching fireflies in Pap Pap's yard at night or family reunions at the lake. I know they will one day realize this when it is their turn to grandparent and I really wish I could spare them the pain that they will feel. My husband says when we have passed on my son will regret the times missed.  My own father has expressed regret in his relationship with his parent after the fact realizing with the wisdom of age that maybe you should take others feelings into account when making life changing decisions.

I hope you get comfort in knowing you are not alone, it's all we have.

Welcome to this forum Long Distance,  I also am a long distant GP I have a 7 1/2  year old GD who I see once a year. 

 

I just got back from a visit with her and DS & DIL she was so happy to see me as I was her.  My round trip is 24 hours a long drive.

 

It is hard when you see other GP's getting to spend time with their Grands doing stuff you want to do with yours, my SIL's all live very close to their children and GC and are always telling me stuff they do, I have made up my mind to be happy for them because it wasn't helping me to be sad and begrudge them their time with their GC.  I am just thankful my DS & DIL have  great jobs and can provide for my GD, she is happy and well cared for.  I raised him to be take care of himself and to put his DW & DC above us so I can't complain when he is doing what I taught him.

 

Life is different than when I grew up we were close to our GP's but because of the economy people have to move different places just to find jobs.

I don't think your DS intended to hurt you and your DH he is just trying to provide for his family, I know it still hurts but you can't really do anything about it for now.  

 

Please keep coming here to vent and hopefully get help, and try to understand your DS'a position.  Critter


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#10 Bevsix

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Posted 06 July 2013 - 05:06 PM

I am so glad I found this site. I am grieving right now. I found out Tuesday night that my daughter was moving with her husband and her children this Friday. They have moved from NC to IN so definitely very far away. My daughters oldest child is almost 7, she lived in our home until she was 5 and when they moved out she was with me 2-3 days per week. I was extremely involved in her life. My daughter had a baby last July with her husband, they have struggled with unemployment, no money etc. They moved to move in with his parents. I am very hurt that I was not told about any of this until the last moment. The pain and hurt is tremendous and all I do is wonder what do I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. I know this is crazy but I just can't get over this feeling. I cry all the time, I cant bare to go into my granddaughters room (she had her own room at my house). Just this last Sunday they were all at my house and we talked about the birthdays coming up and how to celebrate, both grand-babies have birthdays in August. Not 1 word from anyone about them moving. I really hope it works out for them and my grandchildren adjust. Right now though my heart will not stop hurting, I've hyperventilated a view times and my husband wanted me to go visit the docs office as I already take meds for depression. I know I have to find something to get involved with, definitely need to keep involved in my grand-babies lives and this pain will lesson eventually. It was helpful to see that i'm not alone and reading other comments was helpful, thank you 



#11 critter21

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Posted 06 July 2013 - 06:21 PM

I am so glad I found this site. I am grieving right now. I found out Tuesday night that my daughter was moving with her husband and her children this Friday. They have moved from NC to IN so definitely very far away. My daughters oldest child is almost 7, she lived in our home until she was 5 and when they moved out she was with me 2-3 days per week. I was extremely involved in her life. My daughter had a baby last July with her husband, they have struggled with unemployment, no money etc. They moved to move in with his parents. I am very hurt that I was not told about any of this until the last moment. The pain and hurt is tremendous and all I do is wonder what do I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. I know this is crazy but I just can't get over this feeling. I cry all the time, I cant bare to go into my granddaughters room (she had her own room at my house). Just this last Sunday they were all at my house and we talked about the birthdays coming up and how to celebrate, both grand-babies have birthdays in August. Not 1 word from anyone about them moving. I really hope it works out for them and my grandchildren adjust. Right now though my heart will not stop hurting, I've hyperventilated a view times and my husband wanted me to go visit the docs office as I already take meds for depression. I know I have to find something to get involved with, definitely need to keep involved in my grand-babies lives and this pain will lesson eventually. It was helpful to see that i'm not alone and reading other comments was helpful, thank you 

Welcome Bevsix, we're glad you found this sight too.  I am the mod in this group and also have a LD GD who is almost 8, unlike you I was never around DGD much because her parents had moved 1500 miles away long before she was born, I got to see her when she was 3 weeks old for 3 days then again when she was 6 months and on her 1st birthday, but it has mostly been once a year or longer.  

I just saw her the first of June and it was like we had just seen each other, she was so friendly and loving.   It was hard to leave her but I had to come back home to my life.

 

I also think it was sad your DD & SIL couldn't tell you they were moving sooner than 3 days, do you know why they did this were they afraid you would try to talk them out of it?  Maybe your DD didn't know how to tell you or didn't want to hurt you so they waited until the last minute.                                  In this economy you have to go where the jobs are even though you might not want to.

 

It is perfectly normal to grieve when someone you love leaves, maybe your DH is right and you should talk to your Dr. if you are already taking meds for depression.

 

Is this the only child and grandchildren you have

Does your DD have a computer that can Skype it is free and helps to see the GK's when my GD was little she used to bring me her toys and try to hand them to me through the computer.  Or if she and you have i-phones you could facetime similar to skype but on your phones.

 

I send my GD little notes and packages nothing expensive just little things I find that I think she would be interested in, it helps let her know I am thinking of her and lets her know I love her.

 

You mentioned you need to find something to get involved with,  some people volunteer for meals on wheels or in their church, if you live in a large enough town some schools have surrogate GP's who come in and read to kids and help the teachers.  I am sure you will find something that will help you, this has all been a big shock but once you have time to think it through hopefully you will be happy for them and keep the lines of communication open.

 

Most of the first posters haven't been back for over a year, except for Long Distance she is new also. Hopefully other LD grands will chime in with ideas.

Please keep coming here for advice and to vent that is what we are here for. Critter


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#12 rosered135

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Posted 06 July 2013 - 09:10 PM

LD and Bev, I can hear the pain in both your posts! My heart goes out to both of you! Though I'm not a LDGP, myself, IMO, critter has given you very good replies. I hope something in her words will strike a chord with each of you.

 

Bev, I see that critter mentioned volunteering and some good avenues for it. Also, if that idea appeals to you, please note that GP.com has established something called the GrandCorps (scroll to the very top-left of this screen and you'll see it), which helps hook GPs/Seniors/Boomers up with volunteer activities that interest them in their vicinity.

 

Regardless, I'm glad you both are finding some comfort here and, like critter, hope you continue to come here to unload. We're listening!



#13 Bevsix

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 02:35 AM

Thank you Rosered and Critter. Its been almost 2 months since they left and I am finding it ok most of the time. The pain is still there but I am glad I can skype with my grandaughter. One time when we skyped she got very upset and it was so hard for me to put on a good face and be positive about the move but I know it was the best thing for her. I love my daughter very much but she has always been one to push my buttons, I never understand her decisions, her way of doing things and this just put me over the edge. I will always love her but right now I know she has got to figure things out for herself. She moved into her husbands parents home with the kids. No mention of any job hunting. Well I must look at it as its his parents issue right now. I am trying to take an excursion next month when I travel for work and go on over to where they are living. Spend the weekend with the grandkids, I am quite nervous about it though as I don't want to make leaving there difficult for my granddaughter or even put myself through more pain when I leave her. I know deep down though its important to keep up the relationship with her. I have my good days and my very upsetting moments and it is getting a little better. I will look at the grancorps as I do need to find something to keep me busy. Again thank you 



#14 critter21

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 03:11 AM

Bevsix, glad you are feeling a little better.

 

It has been 13 years since my DS & DIL moved and I still miss them and it is hard to leave them or watch them leave.

My DS still can push my buttons also, I try very hard to not let him know that.

 

You are right that what happens in his parents home is between them. 

 

It will be nice to visit your GC, but will be hard just try to stay positive the little GD will be happy to see you and it might be hard for a while but you can make some new memories and have something new to talk about when you skype .

 

My thoughts will be with you I know it isn't easy.



#15 rosered135

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 06:05 AM

I'm glad you're feeling better, too, Bev! And I'm glad you're going to get to visit soon and hope all goes well. I know that your leaving may be hard on both you and GD, having been so close for so long, but please remember that kids tend to bounce back more easily than we adults do. So please just make those memories that critter talked about, and "stay positive," as she said and enjoy the time together. It may never be easy, but, I imagine things will fall into a pattern, after a while - Skyping, the occasional visits, etc. - that you'll be more or less comfortable with. Again, like critter, my thoughts are with you.

 

Glad you're going to look into the GrandCorps! Please keep us posted about your visits and all else that develops in your life!



#16 Sweet Betsy

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Posted 05 August 2013 - 05:19 AM

My dear friend and next door neighbor found out today that her YS is moving far away, to Colorado. She is so sad, even though she doesn't see him much and doesn't like her DIL and they are childless.  It's hard not to take a move far away as a personal rejection. It is just that. It hurts like crazy.

 

I will get to see my newest grandchild finally in Sept. She will be 3 months old. It is a 12 hour drive. I have no intention of "falling in love" with her because I don't want to get hurt anymore as I have recently been. I am glad that my YDIL's mother moved there last December so my YDS and YDIL have her to rely on for babysitting.  I did that for over a year for my ODS and ODIL's two babies.  I adored them but I grew to hate "working with" my control-freak DIL, and I really did get bored and exhausted with full-time caring for babies. Teaching in a public school is more interesting and fun for me.

 

I understand the pain you are going through. Rejection hurts, and it hurts to know that your child will have more experiences with his in-laws in the future than with you. Why do we sacrifice so much love, time, worry, money, and ego to raise children who ultimately betray us by doing what we always said we really wanted for them -- just to be happy?  What we really wanted all along was for them to be happy but also to be nearby and to love us and like us.



#17 KikisMama

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Posted 05 August 2013 - 03:27 PM

My
dear friend and next door neighbor found out today that her YS is
moving far away, to Colorado. She is so sad, even though she doesn't see
him much and doesn't like her DIL and they are childless.  It's hard not to take a move far away as a personal rejection. It is just that. It hurts like crazy.

It might be a personal rejection.  Or, it might not be.  It might be necessity - one must go where the education/jobs are, or one must live one's own life.  I live very far from my parents. I moved to go to graduate school when I was accepted into a world-renowned, top program. It would be ridiculous for my parents to assume that moving was about rejecting them, rather than seeing it for what it was - an incredible opportunity for me.  Most of my friends also live very far from "home".  In most cases, the moves had everything to do with seeking better/excellent educational and job opportunities - building better lives for themselves. In only one case did a friend actually move far away specifically to flee her parents (uber-conservative, controlling, abusive, religious zealots).  I do wonder though, when parents of adult children take a move away from home as a personal rejection, is it more likely to be true in that case?  If you feel like it's all about you, a reflection on you, a rejection of you, then maybe you ARE the type of parent an adult child might need to flee from.  A thought.

 

I will get to see my newest grandchild finally in Sept. She will be 3 months old. It is a 12 hour drive. I have no intention of "falling in love" with her because I don't want to get hurt anymore as I have recently been.
I am glad that my YDIL's mother moved there last December so my YDS and
YDIL have her to rely on for babysitting.  I did that for over a year
for my ODS and ODIL's two babies.  I adored them but I grew to hate
"working with" my control-freak DIL, and I really did get bored and
exhausted with full-time caring for babies. Teaching in a public school
is more interesting and fun for me.

The bolded portion seems quite sad, and extremely selfish.  So, what?  Because you don't/won't see this innocent child as much as you would like, you will intentionally avoid loving her or bonding with her too much.  Sad, but on the other hand, she's probably better off without love that could be so contained and conditional.

I
understand the pain you are going through. Rejection hurts, and it
hurts to know that your child will have more experiences with his
in-laws in the future than with you. Why do we sacrifice so much
love, time, worry, money, and ego to raise children who ultimately
betray us by doing what we always said we really wanted for them -- just
to be happy?  What we really wanted all along was for them to be happy
but also to be nearby and to love us and like us
.

That's honest and fair.  But, again, sad. I'm enjoying every moment with my child.  She has opened me up to love and joy I never imagined.  Of course, it will break my heart a little when she eventually leaves my nest.  But, I also want that for her - to see her soar, reach every potential, explore the big wide world, and experience every amazing thing she can in life.  I can't imagine ever feeling betrayed by a childexpanding into adulthood in those ways.  In fact, that is precisely why I am sacrificing, working, and loving her so much.  I think I'd feel more betrayed if, after all, she chose not to fly away, not to reach her potential, not to live her life fully, not to see as much as she can of the world.  Parenthood when children are young and growing should be
it's own reward.  So sad that you seem to resent it and to feel like you are now owed something more.  And sad too when grandparents feel like NOW grandchildren will be the reward, because they didn't enjoy parenting, couldn't find the joy squeezed in with (and into) the struggle, and feel entitled to steal a little of the joy of parenting from their own adult children.


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#18 critter21

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Posted 05 August 2013 - 05:43 PM

My dear friend and next door neighbor found out today that her YS is moving far away, to Colorado. She is so sad, even though she doesn't see him much and doesn't like her DIL and they are childless.  It's hard not to take a move far away as a personal rejection. It is just that. It hurts like crazy.

 

I will get to see my newest grandchild finally in Sept. She will be 3 months old. It is a 12 hour drive. I have no intention of "falling in love" with her because I don't want to get hurt anymore as I have recently been. I am glad that my YDIL's mother moved there last December so my YDS and YDIL have her to rely on for babysitting.  I did that for over a year for my ODS and ODIL's two babies.  I adored them but I grew to hate "working with" my control-freak DIL, and I really did get bored and exhausted with full-time caring for babies. Teaching in a public school is more interesting and fun for me.

 

I understand the pain you are going through. Rejection hurts, and it hurts to know that your child will have more experiences with his in-laws in the future than with you. Why do we sacrifice so much love, time, worry, money, and ego to raise children who ultimately betray us by doing what we always said we really wanted for them -- just to be happy?  What we really wanted all along was for them to be happy but also to be nearby and to love us and like us.

Welcome Sweet Betsy, Am sorry for your neighbor, but she shouldn't take her DS's moving as a personal rejection She should be proud she raised him to be self sufficient.  I know it hurts my DS moved over 13 years ago and we had been very close but he wanted new experiences, so we encouraged him to follow his dreams but were here for him if he needed us.  So far he hasn't needed any help.

 

As for your newest GD I understand you don't want to be hurt anymore but I bet when you see that little girl you won't be able to stop yourself from falling in love.

 

Our children can still love and like us without living near by as long as they are happy that is what I see as important.  We should raise our kids to be self sustaining adults to go on and raise their kids to be self sustaining.

I am very proud that my DS and DIL have terrific jobs and are raising GD to be a very happy and secure child, I am proud they are great parents.

 

Try looking at it that your YDS is just trying to provide for his family not harm you in any way.  It does help to try to keep a positive attitude. Hope things improve for you. Critter


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#19 rosered135

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 06:25 AM

Hello again, Betsy! How kind of you to draw on your own pain to reach out to someone else! I feel for both you and your neighbor though I'm happy to see that PPs have given you some positive perspective on both situations. And while I understand your desire to harden your heart against "falling in love" with your GD, I have to agree with critter that, most likely, "you won't be able to stop yourself." Better, IMO, to treasure every moment and get along as best you can with YDS and YDIL so as to help ensure future visits! No doubt, it will always hurt a little to leave, but as she gets older, you'll have more and more fun times and create more and more fond memories together and with the rest of her family! Enjoy! :)


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#20 ladyjean

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Posted 08 September 2013 - 10:06 PM

It might be a personal rejection.  Or, it might not be.  It might be necessity - one must go where the education/jobs are, or one must live one's own life.  I live very far from my parents. I moved to go to graduate school when I was accepted into a world-renowned, top program. It would be ridiculous for my parents to assume that moving was about rejecting them, rather than seeing it for what it was - an incredible opportunity for me.  Most of my friends also live very far from "home".  In most cases, the moves had everything to do with seeking better/excellent educational and job opportunities - building better lives for themselves. In only one case did a friend actually move far away specifically to flee her parents (uber-conservative, controlling, abusive, religious zealots).  I do wonder though, when parents of adult children take a move away from home as a personal rejection, is it more likely to be true in that case?  If you feel like it's all about you, a reflection on you, a rejection of you, then maybe you ARE the type of parent an adult child might need to flee from.  A thought.

 

The bolded portion seems quite sad, and extremely selfish.  So, what?  Because you don't/won't see this innocent child as much as you would like, you will intentionally avoid loving her or bonding with her too much.  Sad, but on the other hand, she's probably better off without love that could be so contained and conditional.

That's honest and fair.  But, again, sad. I'm enjoying every moment with my child.  She has opened me up to love and joy I never imagined.  Of course, it will break my heart a little when she eventually leaves my nest.  But, I also want that for her - to see her soar, reach every potential, explore the big wide world, and experience every amazing thing she can in life.  I can't imagine ever feeling betrayed by a childexpanding into adulthood in those ways.  In fact, that is precisely why I am sacrificing, working, and loving her so much.  I think I'd feel more betrayed if, after all, she chose not to fly away, not to reach her potential, not to live her life fully, not to see as much as she can of the world.  Parenthood when children are young and growing should be
it's own reward.  So sad that you seem to resent it and to feel like you are now owed something more.  And sad too when grandparents feel like NOW grandchildren will be the reward, because they didn't enjoy parenting, couldn't find the joy squeezed in with (and into) the struggle, and feel entitled to steal a little of the joy of parenting from their own adult children.

 

 

I just joined this conversation so I don't know if you have any grandchildren and had them move away.  If you have then please disregard what I have to say.


To judge someone else' feelings in the manner you did above about an experience you've never had is not only pompous but is unfair to those who are really going through it.  How easy it is to say how you would feel about your child moving away while that child is still at home with you. 

 

I too enjoyed every moment with my children while they were growing up. I too had some of the same thoughts and lofty ideals you express about how I'd feel if and when my children chose to live far away.

 

But to imagine how you'll feel about something that hasn't happened to you yet and how you'll feel when it actually does happen can be two very different things.


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