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Son-in-law issues


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#1 Grandma104

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Posted 06 April 2010 - 03:43 PM

I know from recent posts that it is never a good idea to interfere in your married children's issues, but what if your daughter doesn't know that she has a problem?? If my daughter's husband was on drugs or drunk all the time, I think it may be proper to have an intervention. My son-in-law refuses to work. He always has some big deal cooking, but it never comes to fruition. And when he does work, he and my daughter spend all the money. They are in foreclosure and my husband thinks it is just a matter of time before they show up with the two little granddaughters on our doorstep. I only found out that they were in foreclosure when my son-in-law informed us that it may not be a good idea to have Thanksgiving over their house since the electric may be turned off by then.. Hint.. Hint. I ask my daughter about their situation and she says nothing is wrong and of course they aren't about to turn off the electric. I agreed to pay their electric bill as a Christmas present and found out they were three months late. My daughter either won't admit they are having issues, or she is in denial. She is working, but doesn't make enough to support the family. I won't go into it, but we have helped them in the past financially and I am done. I don't mind helping if he would get a job, but he has every excuse why he can't work. And since I am done helping, if they show up at my doorstep, I won't take them in. I know, I know, what about the grandkids. But I think it is time for my SIL in worry about his kids. So, as I said, if she were married to a drunk or drug user, the family may be justified to hold an intervention. He is a non-worker, isn't that just as worthy of an intervention before they show up at our door??? Don't mean to sound cold, but have you ever just felt done..!

#2 evebrooks

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Posted 07 April 2010 - 08:59 AM

I have had simalar issues, usually they wind up living with my husband and I, because of the grandchildren, someone has to care for the children, that has always been my main concern, and I've made that fact clear. Sounds as if the son-in-law has serious problem called "Lazyitis" help the children not him.

#3 Grandma104

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Posted 07 April 2010 - 09:24 AM

Yes, lazyitis! And a little of "delusions of grandeur". He will work for $100,000, but nothing less. Kind of insulting when he told me that since I don't earn $100,000. Guess he thinks he's better than I am! I am worried about the children and since their other grandma is more inclined to take them in than my husband would be, I am imagining that it what will happen. Thanks for your thoughts!

#4 GrannnyO

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Posted 07 April 2010 - 10:18 AM

i feel for you! you worry about them! you're right, your dear daughter (dd) may be to willing to think "i can always move in with mom," or "mom will cover the light bill, so why not buy another video game?" as you suspect, your daughter is equally as challenged as her husband. they're a team. when he works, she's as fast to spend the extra cash as he is. she apparently feels her family's finances are her business, and no one else's. which technically they are. so that's ok. i also think it's ok for you to quietly let them know, that you and your husband's budget will no longer allow you to be able to give away money to other people anymore. i also think it may be prudent to let her know, as a matter of factly, that if they can't balance their budget, that you two are also not in a position to house anyone, including them. don't shame or threaten her when you tell her. just let her know what's up, that this is your situation, the same way you would let her know if you were going to visit your sister for a week. i don't think its ok for you to ask them about their personal spending and bills, once you have decided no longer to supplement her husband's not working. look at the way i phrased that. so yes, i also think its a great idea for you to stop enabling your daughter's denial, by paying her just enough so she doesn't have to face reality. the last dollar i would consider spending to help this family not work enough to support themselves anymore, would be, /if/ they were interested... to hire a reputable financial coach or certified financial planner to sit with them for two sessions (initial and a follow-up). so they can learn the facts about their current spending patterns and learn what they can do to help themselves from a neutral, nonemotional party.

#5 Grandma104

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Posted 07 April 2010 - 10:41 AM

You've read my mind. Especially about the video games! Their spending when they have money is always on frivilous things! After I paid the electric and water bills, she got a Christmas bonus and promptly told me "friends chipped in to buy her an IPod touch". I think that Christmas bonus chipped in. Ironic you should say get them a financial advisor since my sil has graduated with a finance degree. I could offer the services, but he wouldn't listen to anyone because no one is smarter than he is. We are done chipping in, because it would be like throwing good money after bad. They don't learn. I also told them that it is not up to me to support their family and they can't move in with us. Couldn't be any clearer. So I guess you are right. Now that we have decided not to pay anything anymore, I will keep mum about their finances and if he ever gives me a sob story about electric, I will just say, sorry you're having this problem, what's your plan??? I guess we all have great plans for our daughter's and sons which don't include in-law issues. Thanks for your thoughts.. right on target!