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#1 suki

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Posted 06 August 2009 - 08:13 PM

this is unbelievable . most of what I read has to do with DIL's from MIL"s of sons . you all have done little or nothing wrong . Most DIL's want power over your son's and how they get it is to get them to chose loyalty to his parents or to wife . it's a power game . a good son should be loving and respectful of his parent's and not allow the wife to use their child or children as a way to hurt or get back at his parent's. a good DIL will be respectful even if she cannot be loving . there is No Excuse for not being civil towards your in-laws , unless they are so so demented.

#2 kiri

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Posted 06 August 2009 - 09:06 PM

You are so right. It is so unfair and I feel sad that our son does not stand up for us. Actually, MIL gets most of the blame especially if the DIL's mother had a bad relationship with her MIL.

#3 kiri

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Posted 06 August 2009 - 09:07 PM

You are so right. It is so unfair and I feel sad that our son does not stand up for us. Actually, MIL gets most of the blame especially if the DIL's mother had a bad relationship with her MIL.

#4 happybug

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Posted 06 August 2009 - 11:43 PM

A MAN should choose his wife over his parents. He should choose his wife over any 3rd party. A man should never let anyone come between him and his wife. I have not seen a DIL who has pushed her husband into an " It's them or me " situation unless the parents were truly a threat to her marriage and family. While many DIL's will be closer to their own mothers and favor their own relatives, I think most are willing to be friendly and accepting of their DH's relatives. I do find it a bit odd that you think all DIL's are in a competition with their DH's parents. There should never be a competition. The DIL IS and SHOULD BE the first priority. There is no competition, he CHOSE his WIFE. At that point the mother needs to step back and realize her job as a parent is now over and she can enjoy her adult son as a friend. While there are some grandparents who ended up with truly horrific DILs and have been banished for no reason I think those situations are few and far between. Just as a MIL who is truly too toxic to have a relationship with is also few and far between. Most MIL/DIL relationships fall somewhere in the middle and can be fine with a bit of consideration and respect from both sides. I can tell you a parent who is trying to "Parent" an adult married son/daughter will quickly become resented by the spouse. As will a mother who sees a new wife as the "Competition" who is stealing her baby away.

#5 quiltingram

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 09:18 AM

Dear Happybug, I don't agree with you completely. I do not think that it should be a tug of war between MIL and DIL and son and husband as the prize. That is not fair to anyone. I love my son so much and I love my DIL most of the time. When my DIL invites my hubby and me to my sons birthday party and we are the only ones that show up. I get a little upset. When my DIL starts ranting and raving about having my GD all of her life(she is retarded) and that she doesn't do what she is told and she starts yelling at both of us. I tend to get a little upset. I love my DIL when she acts like a nice person and when she doesn't act like a nice person and I start acting like a b*tch too the fight is on. There is no excuse for either of us being that way and my son can say something about it to his wife,as my husband does to me, but he sticks his head in the sand. So there should be no sides taken. Life should not be a family war. Why can't we all coexist together.

#6 fredigram

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 09:21 AM

Although I'm MIL, I have DDs and SILs, not sons and DILs, so perhaps I don't know 1st-hand how a mom feels in this situation. Basically, I sympathize with anyone whose feelings are hurt, but I have to agree with Happybug - a man's WIFE is SUPPOSED TO be his 1ST PRIORITY -and, sorry, but even ahead of his mom. The NUMBER 1 WOMAN in his life is now that WIFE, JUST AS the number 1 man in her life must be him, her husband and not her dad. Please step back and try to look at this objectively. What would you think if your son had a problem with his FIL and your DIL sided with her dad against your son/her husband? How would you have felt as a young wife, if your dear husband (DH) took his mom's part against you in an argument? Or, if you had that problem, how did you feel about it then? Husband and wife need to stick together, as much as possible or else how can they have A MARRIAGE? Ok, maybe they can - my marriage weathered my DH's tendency to stand by his mom in a conflict. But that's partly b/c we didn't have too many of them. And though, hey, I still love the guy (lucky for him:-)!), I can't help but say this, based on my experience and others' - WIVES DON'T FORGET these things! I don't mean to be insensitive, but when you're old and gray, dear moms/MILs and "in the nursing home," so to speak, your son is going to have to live with HIS WIFE (if she hasn't given up and left)! They NEED to be united!I know it may be an adjustment for you, but please don't (perhaps without realizing it) begrudge your sons that unity. One more thing: Sometimes, the guy is not just "taking his wife's side." Sometimes, he agrees with her, even if he doesnt have the heart to admit it to his mom. Young people, generally, don't like older people criticizing them or trying to tell them what to do (i.e. how to care for their home, raise their kids, etc.) I don't know if any of you here have done this, but if so, your son probably resents it as much as your DIL does. And young couples today seem to be even less tolerant of this than we were in the past. I agree that they should still be "respectful," except in the most extreme circumstances, but they don't always think so. Besides, my point here is that if your DIL is angry that you, for example, gave her unasked for advice, your son very likely doesn't like that either. Of course, this is only my opinion. Meanwhile, I wish everyone the best in adjusting to these changes in their relationships :-)

#7 Sunshine1002

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 09:23 AM

Yeah, in a perfect world every DIL/MIL would get along,and it would be one big "happy family" - but we don't live in a perfect world now do we? You've got some real big resentment issues towards DIL's don't you? Maybe if you took that negitive energy and turned into something POSITIVE you might see a change. I love how MIL's feel that they have done "nothing wrong" and all of the blame is placed on the "evil" DIL's who take your son's "away from you". It always goes like this: the DIL doesn't let you see the GK's, the DIL controls your Sons, etc. Do you realize how rediculous that sounds? NO ONE can control ANYONE unless they are "willing" to be controlled. In every step of life YOU CHANGE. So when your Son gets married, has kids and a family of his own HE is going to change and so isn't YOUR relationship with him. You no longer need to "parent" your adult child and his SPOUSE. Your still the parent just not the parent you were when your son was 6. You know the old sayings "a man shall FORESAKE ALL OTHERS" and "Leave his Mother & Father and CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE" Yes, that means that your Son & DIL are NOW ONE. It means that HE is her #1 and SHE is his #1. Thats life - thats how it works. DIL's don't set out to make their husbands choose between THEM and the family they came from - that's just crazy to think MIL's would "assume" that. Like HappyBug said yeah sometimes it does happen because the IL's can be a threat to the marriage/family - but thats a rarity. I think the MIL's that view the DIL as competition for her sons love / "loyality", or a threat - aka "the other woman" are the ones that are going to have the most difficult MIL/DIL relationships. I'm not even going to touch the respect thing - most MIL's feel that they are inferior to "respect" when it comes to DIL's, actually some act like they are inferior in general. Just because your an MIL doesn't entitle you to more respect. Respect is EARNED not handed out like candy.

#8 happymama2009

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 09:46 AM

" iworked my a-- off raising my sons and I would not put up with a b---- of a DIL. believe me if she a b---- to you she is probably that way to her own mother." -- Suki Suki, is this an example of being "civil" towards your DIL? If you are bringing this kind of energy to your relationships, it can't be good. That's a lot of anger you have there. Don't think it doesn't seep out and make itself known to the people around you because it does. It's a horrible attitude and I feel sorry for your family and even for you. For their sake and for yours, perhaps you should seek counseling.

#9 MrsMe

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 09:46 AM

happybug, that was very well stated. The spouse does come before the parents. Your job as a parent is over, step back and let your adult child have his/her marriage. Your child has their own family now and it's up to them to make sure that it is a happy unite before they can worry about anyone else's feelings. I have heard quit a bit of horror stories of bad DIL MIL situations that really boil down to the MIL expecting to be the #1 women in their son's life and the wife is second which is not at all the way it should be. Many get their sons to think this way too and this leads to a divorce which in turn hurts everyone involved including if not most of all the grandchildren. If you believe that you come first before your son's wife you need to stop and think what kind of hurt you'll cause if you continue to feel this way. Your son will be hurt when his wife leaves him, the kids will hurt because their parents are fighting and wont live together, then the likelihood that you'll get to see your grandkids once the mom has custody and you share what visitations your son has with his kids (which will hurt him too when he only sees his kids on the weekends), think of all that first. No women is going to want to stay in a relationship where their needs are set on the back burner because their husband's mommy wont cut the umbilical cord. No matter how much she might love your son, she can't be miserable for the rest of your life. As for the DIL and their children, would you want to visit someone who doesn't like you or send your kids with someone who doesn't like you. When a DIL is naive enough to do this she usually regrets it because kids come home say things like "Grandma says that you don't like her and you control Daddy" or "Grandma says that you don't clean your house" And many situations where the MIL to spite the DIL will not bring her kids back on time, wont follow their diets, wont answer her cell phone so the DIL gets worried, then the MIL returns with the kids like nothing is wrong. Then the kids wont eat dinner, their off schedule, have allergy attacks from the stuff they ate even though DIL said don't give them whatever the case might be, then they are up all night in the ER. You think I'm exaggerating I know at least 10 people that will tell me I was talking about them. DIL has a certain idea of how she wants her children raised, it's her right as their mother, then a MIL who already feels threatened by the DIL will go against her DIL's wishes with her children to make them feel more in control. Some MILs just need to realize what they are doing others will never learn which will result in the son and DIL having to take drastic measures. If you value the relationship you have with your son and grandchild/ren then I'd take a step back and see where you over stepped your boundaries. You're not alone in this mistake so don't beat yourself up just take the steps to try and fix things. Best of luck MrsMe

#10 Sunshine1002

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 10:02 AM

Sassier29 said "When my DIL starts ranting and raving about having my GD all of her life(SHE IS RETARDED) and that she doesn't do what she is told and she starts yelling at both of us" I believe I've called you out on this BEFORE - someone who has a mental handicap, or is somewhere on the "spectrum" for autism is NOT RETARDED. It is RUDE, HATEFUL and so not POLITICALLY COREECT to use that term in the year 2009. No wonder why you have issues w/your DIL - you call her child RETARDED. My son is on the spectrum - and it amazes me that there are still people as CLOSED MINDED AS YOU still using the term you do! MrsMe made a great point - Some MIL's bring their sons up to THINK that the MOM should ALWAYS be #1 even above the wife. Lets flip the tables here. Lets say that the MIL/FIL are newly married (back then) how would the MIL feel (as a new DIL) if her husband put HIS MOM above her? Did something change from back then to now, did we DIL's miss something?

#11 FLGirl

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 10:21 AM

Sunshine, I really think alot of this MIL's that have the matriarch syndrome are ones who's husbands put their own mothers first. They figure that they've paid their dues and now have earned the right to be the ruler. I do think it was less common for daughter in laws to stand up to their MIL's when their husbands put mom first, simply because women have grown more confident in their abilities to do so during the past couple generations. I also think that many of the DIL's that won't take as much abuse are the one's that grew up watching their moms treated poorly by their paternal grandparents. Not excusing the behavior, but it is interesting to figure out where it came from. :)

#12 fredigram

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 11:00 AM

About the "respect" issue - I think most moms/MILs feel they've ALREADY EARNED respect. They raised their kids, including that guy that the DIL thought was wonderful enough to marry. And sometimes, they also held down a job or even built up a career. They don't think they need to start from square 1 "earning" respect. As a matter of fact, one of the things a lot of MILs (and FILs, etc) have a hard time with is being asked to respect the parenting decisions of these young parents who often, as yet, have not accomplished as much as the MIL, etc. Yet, as mant of us have come to realize, respecting these young parents and their choices is the wisest way to go, for many reasons. So, "earned" or not, a little respect and civility all around is, imo, a good idea. That being said, sometimes, an MIL (or whoever) creates a situation where DISRESPECT is the only answer. Years ago, after trying for months to politely reject my MIL's unasked for and repeated advice - actually "orders," in the form of "Don't you dare...!"or "You'll do it this way...!" - I finally blew up at her one day! She and my FIL were angry and didn't visit the next weekend (We used to have them over once-a-week.) My DH was mad at me,too, unfortunately. But the "orders" stopped. Period. Clearly, it's not always that easy. But my point is that it's a shame that I had to do that to get better treatment from her. But, unfortunately, that'sthe only thing that worked. (Perhaps my taking such a strong stand was the only thing SHE knew to respect?)For whatever that memory is worth...

#13 Sunshine1002

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 11:02 AM

@ FLGIRL - I agree :) Lots of MIL's these days, really do have the "matriarch syndrome" our marriage councelor used this EXACT term many times - and it's understandable why. At the sametime, you would think MIL's would "change" their way of thinking/doing things when they realize that their DIL's aren't going to deal/put up with the "ruler" actions/attitude from the MIL's. But because they learned this "habbit" from their MIL's they continue to think it's okay to be like this. You made such a good point when you said that DIL's aren't willing to take the "abuse" that they saw their own Mom go thru w/the GP's! And no this is def. not an "excusable behavior". One can only hope that MIL's now understand where the DIL is coming from - perhaps they can understand better why they need to change the "matriarch syndrome" ways of doing things before they end up on the outs.

#14 redheadedstepchild

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 09:31 PM

Suki..I felt the need to pause from reading the replies in this forum to send you a reply. First, I'm going to start saying prayers for you each night. You have a lot of anger and rage within you. I hope one of these days you are able to let go of all this. Perhaps by then, after much healing on your DIL's part..she will allow you to be a part of her families life again on another level. I don't know you...all I know of you are the responses you've given on this site, and I must say...if you were my MIL, I'd not want to have anything to do with you either until you have changed. I will also say a prayer for your sons family, and especially their mentally challenged child. Goodness knows that raising a special needs child is one of the most stressful things on the planet to do....and they surely have their hands full.

#15 redheadedstepchild

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 09:31 PM

Suki..I felt the need to pause from reading the replies in this forum to send you a reply. First, I'm going to start saying prayers for you each night. You have a lot of anger and rage within you. I hope one of these days you are able to let go of all this. Perhaps by then, after much healing on your DIL's part..she will allow you to be a part of her families life again on another level. I don't know you...all I know of you are the responses you've given on this site, and I must say...if you were my MIL, I'd not want to have anything to do with you either until you have changed. I will also say a prayer for your sons family, and especially their mentally challenged child. Goodness knows that raising a special needs child is one of the most stressful things on the planet to do....and they surely have their hands full.

#16 loveisnotselfish

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Posted 08 August 2009 - 03:37 AM

I didn't think love was considered a game a-competition. Love is not just a word that should hold meaning as a competition to a bunch of immature MILS with sons. It holds real meaning that love is not selfish. Love is not about a competition over who loves your son more and how much your son should love you over his wife or how you think you should have more time over your son and daughter in laws bio-logical child or how Grandma loves the Grandchildren more then mom and dad. Or how the Grandchildren should choose Paternal Grandma over Maternal Grandma and Mom and Dad. How MIL should be in the delivery room with DIL staring at her DIL during a naked and extremely personal and the mother and father of the childs most important moment in her childs life that she wanted to share only with the people who know her the most, her partner who helped her create the child in the most intimate way that MIL or MOM would not wish to witness and her mother who has known her daughter personally and supportively through infancy to adult. The only reason why DILS move away from MILS is not because they chose to to start hating MIL the day the Granchildren came along, its because they had to put up with a selfish MIL who thinks having a DIL/Grandchildren is about having your son love his mom above his lady who he chose to love and above all women, serving his moms needs, giving parental advice where its not needed, putting down the mother of her Grandchild over her parenting or finding other ways to insult her, saying to both the DIL and her son DIL is lazy and does not do enough for her son or grandchildren, meddling-manipulating her son by telling him to lay blame on his wife for issues, saying DIL starts arguments, is selfish and jealous and lazy, tells the Son and her friends that DIL insults her MIL. And after her son lays blame on DIL and says she is mean her son like his mom called her DIL a female dog he also turns around and calls his lady a female dog, while repeating the word female dog to his lady likes his mom had done with her DIL he then pushes his lady over who is holding her lesser of a youngest grandaughter in her eyes then then 1st most special eldest grandaughter. Her Grandson is lesser as a Granchild also.

#17 loveisnotselfish

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Posted 08 August 2009 - 03:46 AM

She does not mind thinking the love for her son and Eldest Grandaughter is a Competition. She held her Eldest Grandaughter for most of the time out out in public because her DIL and SOn let her. The 1 moment DIL is holding her tired daughter and comforting her waiting in line for babies 1st birthday photos MIL after telling DIL another mothers little boy is ugly comes over to Grandaughter puts her face in the childs face and says "Come to Grandma" with Grandmas arms wide open for Eldest Grandaughter and Eldest Grandaughter leaps into Paternal Grandmas arms just like the sons mother wanted. Then Paternal Grandma makes a strange remark to DIL like oh I know you want to hold my hand to because you see me holding Grandaughters hands but shes my Grandaughter and your not. As Paternal Grandma holds Grandaughter most of the time out in public and by hand walking in front of DIL and her Son. When DIL sits her daughter on her lap and shows her puppies, MIL grows angry and says, Come sit on Grandmas lap instead and looks at puppies. MIL comes over says to the DIL your playpen is a jail for my Grandaughter. Says DIL has a big nose. Says the baby on the internet is ugly and that her Grandaughter is cuter but when DIL shows MIL a picture of her Grandaughter in sepia sleepign she says that photo makes her look dead. DIL had told her in an email to stop being selfish, and MIL lies and says DIL insutled her and then MIL sends lots of emails calling her DIL a female dog saying my friends are vomiting over how much you love your daughter, telling me I inuslt her and send her abusive emails. Her son after being told his lady is the one to blame, that she insulted her MIL by his mom,now calls his lady a lazy selfish manipulative female dog. Who he blames for his mom being upset. He says his mom had good reason to call my lady a female dog because my lady insutled my mom. Because he calls his lady a female dog to. When his lady trys to convince the man that stopped loving her the moment his mom-Her MIL started hating her, to love her again, by then its to late and all she can do is once a MILS son starts to abuse his partner is agree with the excuse MIL come up with "if you don't love my son do whats best for him and leave him" "Because thats also whats best for the grandkids and yourself" Because DIL is finding it hard to love a man who treats his lady like a female dog because mom taught him to. Since when did loving a woman romantically be about serving your mom, treating her above yourself and your lady and hating your lady because mommy does and said so. And to give his mom her way with yours and your ladies bio-logical children. A woman last resort take her man away from the Evil MIL who manipulates her son into hating DIL so DIL can convince him not to be manipulated by his mom but fall in love with his lady again instead out of love with his lady through his mom. Or if all else fails take MILS advice and save your own sanity and leave him. Thats the only 2 choices she has to convince him to love her again and be with her man she loves and her kids so its not manipulation. This son did let his mom be the first of all family on his side and DILS side to visit and hold DIL and sons 1st Grandchild/Grandaughter. Let her come over and be th eonly one to hold her in public most of the time and film her with the Granchild. When DIL held her daughter for a brief moment and angered MIL DILS birthday was the next week, DIL was given a bunch of cheap gifts after MIL used to buy her nice gifts, and told her son she could not afford DIL a nice birthday gift. Then to punish her DIL after MIL calls he ra female dog and tells her son she inuslts her MIL. MIL gets her DIL nothing for every birthday and gives nice gifts or money to her son and grandkids. The same son she let get abused by his dad as a child and wrote about in his 21st birthday letter. The same son she only left with and left one son behind and took the baby son with her when they had run out of cash from his dad to a womans shelter after years of Son getting abused by his dad and nothing being done and after a while she tosses him out on the street. He met the lady he fell in love with and started hating his lady the day his mom started hating her DIL-His lady.

#18 fredigram

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Posted 08 August 2009 - 09:41 PM

@loveisnotselfish - It sounds as if you're talking about your own MIL, etc. in this post. Am I wrong? I'm a little unclear as to whether the grandkids (GKs)here are all from the same son and DIL or not. It sounds to me as if they are. But then, if so, why does the MIL favor one over the others (not that there could be a good reason)? Maybe I'm reading too deeply into this. But it seems to me as if the son here is overly attached to his mom b/c he has some "unfinished business" with her. Yes, perhaps she "let" him be abused by his dad, but that may be why he still may feel a need to "win her over," and that, I'm afraid, includes joining forces with her against others, even "his lady." Or maybe he sees his mom as another victim of his dad (was she abused or threatened with abuse, too?) and therefore there's a deeper bond than usual between mom and son an unhealthy bond, but one that only a lot of therapy could possibly ease. Or perhaps, as I said, I'm reading too much into this. Regardless, I wish you the very best!

#19 loveisnotselfish

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Posted 11 August 2009 - 03:03 AM

Sweet Fredigram. Yes his mom was a victim of his dads abuse so they both experienced the abuse together while her son was a child for quite a long time over a period of years until she could no longer scrap together anymore money after his dad lost it all to gambling then she found a womans shelter who helped her out and took her and my man-the eldest of her sons and she took the youngest son of hers and left the middle son behind to live with his dad, She left with my man and his little brother and all 3 were gone by the time her husband came home from work that day to find his wife and 2 of his sons gone and left with the one son he did have a bond with. My man was not a little kid at all anymore, her middle son to which she has no bond with, hes no criminal and has never hurt his mom hes close to his dad to whom she hates with a passion and to whom my man has no bond with due to the abuse he got from his dad. So she left middle son who is close to his dad behind to live with his dad and she does not visit him or talk with him. He does not wish to celebrate his birthday. My man is her favorite son because he was a gorgeous looking baby. Both a white blonde newborn/baby toddler with the most perfect heavenly smiles and because he takes better care of her then anyone in his life and cares for her mroe then anyone with her best friend who takes good care of her also after her friends saved her from a suicide attempt. What I don't understand is why did she kick her son out onto the street for the night and the next day when her son came back he found her and his packing up his stuff without a moments notice and made him move back in with his dad if he was the same person who was so abusive to her own favorite son?

#20 loveisnotselfish

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Posted 11 August 2009 - 03:09 AM

Your right Sweetheart about them having a bond through the abuse mother and son experienced together. She even wrote to him in an email the reason why they have a bond is because of the experiences with his father they both went through together, she wrote about his child abuse and brought up how his dad abused her at the same time. This was all in a letter for his 21st birthday. She has compared eldest grandaughters looks as a newborn with youngest grandaughters looks as a newborn. She has said Eldest grandaughter was bald/white blonde like her son as a baby but youngest grandaughter had lots of hair. And has only compared eldest grandaughter to her son. The other 2 she is not interested in them having any qualities or some physical traits of her son in them. I said no all 3 of my kids had lots of blonde hair were not bald or white blonde. She has even said her youngest son was not as blonde as her favorite son-my man infront of her new DIL. Girlfriend of the youngest son who she has described as lovely but has mentioned it was great me-The dislked DIL was not coming to dinner with them as a family. Her favorite son-my man-is named after her dad who died when she was 16 and to whom she compares him to her father both in looks and personality. And she believes in reincarnation. And she has written in the eldest grandchild who is 6 years old who is still to young to know what was written to her in her birthday card without explaining to her what it means to be loved with all grandmas heart, that Grandma loves her with all her heart and in the 1st birthday card for eldest grandaughter she wrote a heap of information that she made her so happy these past 12 months and she put TO MY alongside my eldest daughters name on the card. For example if my eldest daughters name was Marilyn. And Marilyn was her eldest grandaughter. She would be implying that Marilyn would be her MArilyn by saying My Marilyn. But she never wrote such long and loving words towards youngest grandaughter in her 1st birthday or grandsons birthday cards. Infact she never gave grandson a 1st birthday card. For the other grandchildren she just wrote love from grandma. She also has never called the youngest grandaughter who is now a year old gorgeous not once but constantly repeated the word gorgeous again and again to eldest grandaughter on camera when she was being filmed with her saying your grandmas girl. In her newborn card she gave for us she wrote eldest grandaughter will grow up to be beautiful just like her grandma but as a baby told me eldest grandaughter is starting to get prettier. She would knock on my window to wake me and the baby up as I held her and slept so she could come over my house to play with her without ringing beforehand. She told me my mother-the maternal grandmother does not love me-her daughter and does not love her eldest grandaughter-my daughter. She said that in a picture of my daughter-eldest grandaughter sleeping that her grandaughter looks dead as if she is sleeping in a casket. She has told me her friends want to vomit because I love my daughter to much. My guess is although she would love the other 2 grandkids but the reason why she has a more greater feeling of love for the eldest grandaughter a love for her that is with all her heart and not the other 2. Is because after 3 boys, the eldest son being her favorite for his gorgeous blonde looks from birth to toddler and then not being given a daughter fo her own. She got her tubes tied after 3 boys. Even if the 1st grandchild was a boy that was like her favorite son there would be no great need for interest as she already had a gorgeous blonde newborn/baby toddler boy in her favorite son named for her dad. Its because the eldest grandaughter was the 1st grandaughter whom reminded her of the daughter she never had that came in the image of her favorite son complete with big smiles like her son as a baby. Also the fact that my daughter was a sick newborn whos rare angelic looks, beautiful very rare name and pure sweetness charmed all the peoples hearts she came across. she is not taken for granted and is the same sun-sign as her paternal grandma-cancer. The other 2 who came after eldest grandaughter who were born healthy did not end up white blonde at birth so although there was some love there from the paternal grandma there was a greater love to be given to the 1st grandaughter after her entrance because she had been born born sick-remained-stable-and was never critical but went home very healthy at 9 days old.