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Momma's Boy and Backing up spouse


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#1 Desertrose492

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 09:30 PM

I read this quote in a recent post by a DIL - "And a man is a momma's boy when he lets his mother "over rule" his wife. In any good marriage a spouse should back up the other." I wonder what everyone thinks about this line of reasoning. Is a man a momma's boy if he agrees with his mother? What if son and mom are right and wife is really wrong? What if this is something very important and not just someone's birthday party, does the husband have to worry that agreeing with his mother is a negative thing? What if wife is making the wrong decision, is a husband obligated to back his wife no matter what? What do you think?

#2 CookieGramma

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 09:46 PM

My opinion is that a husband is obligated to support his wife in front of other, at all times, except if someone is in danger.

#3 CookieGramma

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 09:48 PM

I believe a husband is obligated to support his wife, in front of others, in all things, unless someone is in danger (this includes emotional danger). Then they can sort out disagreements in privacy.

#4 momknowsbest

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 10:15 PM

This is absolutely how it is. If there is a dissagreement, then they can talk about it in private, but NEVER take your mothers side over your wife. Back them up and then talk about it later. This goes for the women too.

#5 luckygram

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 10:18 PM

CookieGramma, Well said. I expect that spouses ALWAYS have each others' backs. Any differences to be dealt with privately. It's important when dealing with friends & families, and is essential with children (eliminating the 'divide & conquer' tactic they're so good at). Of course, this assumes no mental, violent, or substance abuse problems.

#6 LegallyRed

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 10:26 PM

A man should always back his wife up. They may disagree but the difference between a man and a momma's boy is that a man realizes that his mother doesn't get a say in their discussion.

#7 momknowsbest

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 10:53 PM

When a man gets married he becomes one with his wife. Let's reverse the roles. Let's say you had a disagreement with your MIL and your husband was there backing HER up. How would it make you feel? Most women would want to clobber the guy for throwing her under the bus lol.

#8 Bradonsmom

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 11:15 PM

Legallyred---I agree with you! Why does MIL get a say anyway (assuming this is about important core-family issues). I do not co-parent with my MIL. And, yes, I've said it before, and I will say it again---never disagree in public. (the greatest thing about that statement---my MIL taught me that!!! It's the best thing that she has ever taught me too)

#9 ninaof2

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 11:37 PM

There is a difference between a " momma's boy" and a man just agreeing with his mother, but a husband should not side with his DM over his DW without having discussed the issue with DW first. He and DW should decide together how to handle the issue. This is just too easy a way to put a huge wedge between husband and wife. And of course this works both ways.

#10 lilypond

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Posted 03 February 2010 - 12:29 AM

I agree that a husband and wife should present a united front. And the difference to me between a Momma's boy and a husband who think his mother is right is this....if the husband thinks the MIL is right, then before the MIL even gives the opinion, he will have expressed the opinion. Or if he only thinks of it after hearing it, he's able to provide his own reasons for why HE wants it. A momma's boy only says an opinion after his mother says she wants it and the reasons he gives for doing it are either parrots of her reasons or because he wants to keep his mom happy (at the expense of his wife's happiness). So to use the birthday party example. When the husband and wife were making the list, if the husband said I want the great aunts, then he's expressing his opinion, not parroting his mom since she hasn't even given her two cents yet. If he thought about inviting them after his mom said it, but his reasons were to list all the great times he's had with them and how much he likes seeing them, then he's not just trying to keep his mom happy over his wife. If the only thing he can come up with is to invite them because it keeps his mom from being unhappy and bugging him, then he's a momma's boy.

#11 whydoesithave

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Posted 03 February 2010 - 12:03 PM

I don't agree w/the majority here. What stands out to me is MIL & Son. Why does it have to be that way? It could be DIL and her mother or friend & husband or son & his MIL. In any event, I don't believe you should ALWAYS go along w/whatever the other spouse wants or decides. In closing, you know what they call a man who always goes along w/the wife..........................

#12 pbblt

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Posted 03 February 2010 - 12:27 PM

Well said, LegallyRed!! Nothing to add, really. whydoesithave - One, this is about Momma's BOYS, so the conversation at hand has nothing to do with daughter's and mother's. Two, I don't see where anyone said they have to agree with everything their spouse says. In public, however, especially with some of the precarious MIL/DIL relationships that have been discussed on this board, a husband should support his wife. With a lot of the MsIL that the DsIL here have, no husband should give his mother an inkling of a problem because that MIL will use that to her advantage. (Speaking about the MIL that the DIL on this board have posted about, not all MIL) IN PRIVATE - they can discuss anything he doesn't agree with. My DH is a Momma's Boy. He is working on becoming a reformed Momma's Boy (and struggling). He would wait until MIL voiced an opinion and then parrot it. He would tell me "That's not how my Mom did it, so do it her way" about EVERYTHING when we first were living together. He will still put MIL's feelings above his family and his wife. That is WRONG. But, MIL manipulated him growing up and he is trying to reverse his way of thinking for the past 30+ years. Personally, when my DH and I haven't agreed in public, I simply gave my support to the idea or decision. DH and I have an agreed-upon signal that we use in public when we don't agree with something (I tug on my right earlobe, he twirls his watch). That way, no one is the wiser, but he knows that I don't necessarily agree and we can discuss it later, in the privacy of our home.

#13 Sunshine1002

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Posted 03 February 2010 - 12:35 PM

A husband should ALWAYS stand w/his wife - just like a wife should ALWAYS stand w/her husband. It doesn't matter what they are taking a stand against - or with who BUT the man and wife should always stand together AND stand up for one another - regardless. How would the MIL's feel if their husbands didn't stand with them or stand up for them - but sided with the "other person" - ****** off, upset, betrayed maybe? So why is it so different when the SON stands up against his Mom and stands up for his WIFE? My DH now stands up for me and with me 100% when it comes to MIL. It wasn't always this way - because of the way MIL had my DH/BIL "trained" them their whole lives. Her needs/wants/feelings were to be put FIRST above all others - including their wives. It was actually my FIL who had a nice little "sit down chat" with both of them (followed by ALOT of marriage therapy) and told them to pull their "heads out of their *sses" and act like grown married men before they became grown divorced men. I <3 my FIL :) "In closing, you know what they call a man who always goes along w/the wife.........................." Yeah they call that a man who can't think for himself. If the husband goes along with EVERYTHING the wife says/does then that says ALOT about how the son was raised.

#14 whydoesithave

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Posted 03 February 2010 - 02:20 PM

in my view, Momma's Boy is mean spirited and another attempt to put a wedge in there.

#15 Tightan

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Posted 03 February 2010 - 05:07 PM

I think there can only be 2 in a marriage. A MIL should never be able to "over-rule" a wife because she is not part of the marriage nor marital decisions. If the wife is wrong the spouse should be able to defend his position without bringing his mother into it. An example in our life right now is Hawking. My children have the opportunity to experience a hawk going on the hunt and bringing back it's kill. My MIL would have an apoplexy over it stating bird diseases and whatnot. If she weren't cut off. If my DH agreed with his mother he better have back-up information that does NOT include "my mother thinks it's a bad idea." Mainly because I don't care what his mother thinks. I care what HE thinks and why. The problem I see is the spouse/husband is too lazy to think on his own. His mother's argument sways him without doing the research. So it's really a husband problem. Either way, the differences in opinion should be discussed by husband and wife behind closed doors. The MIL shouldn't be brought up by the husband at all.

#16 Desertrose492

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Posted 03 February 2010 - 08:18 PM

One of the things I have learned by reading these posts is that most of you mean that standing by your spouse no matter what really means standing by your spouse in front of other people, no matter what. Now that means something very different than agreeing with your spouse whether she/he is right or wrong, which is what many of these posts say. I agree that you should show a united front to others, but to imply that spouses should just agree with each other because they are married, bothers me, As far as the momma's boy definition - I think that's a very demeaning term to use with your spouse no matter what, and I don't think it helps to change anything.

#17 daisyleigh

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Posted 04 February 2010 - 05:39 AM

I don't think that anyone said that a person should just blindly agree with their spouse, no matter what. However, I do agree that standing by your spouse and not "ganging up" on them with your mom or siblings, etc, is crucial to your marriage. And if a man always agrees with Mama, and stands by her no matter what, then I am sorry, but he is, indeed, a Mama's Boy and probably should not have married.

#18 momknowsbest

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Posted 04 February 2010 - 08:50 AM

Perfect momma's boy example from the DIL board a while back: A pregnant girl asked for advice on her MIL and husband. Her MIL said that she had the "right" to name the baby, because she's the grandma. She had previously been cut off, but they gave her another chance. Wanting to please his mommy and avoid drama, he agreed and argued with his wife over it. He even tried to trick her into letting his mom name the baby by listening to the names she wanted and suggesting them himself. Despite his wifes wishes he kept siding with mommy (who also felt she had the imaginary right to be in the ultrasound room.) It ended in him slapping his pregnant wife and she left him. Of course they got back together after he apologized and agreed to a cut off again. All of imaginary rights people come up with are hilarious.

#19 Sunshine1002

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Posted 04 February 2010 - 09:22 AM

(this was taken from urbandictonary.com) Definition of a "Momma's Boy" 1) A grown male still dependent on his mother. 2) A grown male who allows or desires his mother to control most aspects or decisions of his life for him. (definition explained) "I thought I loved him until I realized he was a momma's boy who can't do anything without his mother's permission or approval." (my definition) A "Momma's Boy" is a grown adult who: *puts his Mommy's wants/needs/feelings first above everyone else - including his wife & kids *sides w/his Mommy all the time to keep the "peace" with her *never says "NO" or stands up to his Mommy (for his wife/kids) in fear that he will "hurt" her feelings *makes "major" decisions with his Mommy instead of his wife *asks Mommy for her suggestions/instructions/opinions (etc) on whatever BEFORE he asks his wife *takes his Mommy's "word" as "the law" as in "Well my Mommy said we should.... OR "My Mommy told me to do this" Being a "Momma's Boy" at the age of 6 is sort of cute - being a "Momma's Boy" at the age of 26/36/46 when you are married with kids isn't cute AT ALL. I like the Websters Dictionary's version of "Mamma's Boy" Main Entry: mama's boy Function: noun Date: 1850 : a usually polite or timid boy or man who is extremely or EXECSIVELY close to and SOLICITOUS of his mother

#20 moregrandma

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Posted 08 February 2010 - 10:33 PM

The bottom line is this. I loved my mother in law and wish she was still here. Did I always agree? no, but you pick you battles. She was a wonderful mother to my husband and his siblings. Was she perfect?? no, who is. It is all about respect. When we became parents I realized how much our parents on both sides had gone through. All of a sudden the children were grown and they were married. Does, that means it all stops , the worry, the concerns, no, but with tact and knowledge, you learn to let some things go, because the advantages of having a MIL that loves your son and your children and YOU, is so important to your family. I look back and realize what a gift it was to have my MIL in our lives, and I thank GOD, that I had that, you have to thing of the BIG PICTURE, it is so important. LISTEN EVERYONE, life is short, don't ***** about the small stuff, love what you have, and be thankful. It could always be worse, I would love tostill have my MIL in our lives, what a blessing that would be.