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Question for mothers of boys


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#1 JoCarroll

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Posted 30 August 2010 - 08:14 AM

I have a question for the DILs with boys. Are you concerned that some of the things that MILs here talk about will happen to you?

#2 OADLove

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Posted 30 August 2010 - 08:24 AM

I realize it's a possibility. I've read what I can here about boundaries, and hope to put my knowledge and experiene to use. But I know, in the end, that probably doesn't mean much. We hope to teach our son (and our daughter) that it's his job to get his parents presents and recognize them on holidays. He needs to be the one to keep in contact with us. My husband takes him shopping for gifts for grandma. However, I know that if my son falls for a uber-controlling girl that hates me or DH, or if I can't live up the expectations that she is set on, I realize what can happen. After all, there are problem DsIL just as there are problem MsIL.

#3 camcam

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Posted 30 August 2010 - 11:11 AM

at times. but i see the entitlement issues and the overbeariness and that is not me. me and my oldest are very close and he has only dated on girl really that i wanted to relocate to china... he now chooses to make me a part of the girl's and his dating life. girls and even his friends are at times taken back by how close we are. anything i possible but i try to avoid everything that my mil does.

#4 grammyof1

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Posted 30 August 2010 - 11:14 AM

I'm a mother in law with a daughter, but I imagine that the DsIL here might be at less risk since they seem to already know how to behave and have a good understanding of how marriages work. Also, I hope if they do find themselves in the position that they remember everything they've learned and just keep happy with their marriages and remember that their kids will be living their own lives and that they are not dishonoring them by doing so.

#5 LuvNLife

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Posted 30 August 2010 - 11:22 AM

I will admit that when I became the dreaded MIL 5 years ago, My main goal was to be the complete opposite of what I had. I wanted her to know that if she ever needed me to watch her son I would anytime. My MIL told me when DH and I married that she don't babysit. EVER and she meant it. She was very stand offish where the boys were concerned. She was nice enough. But very hands off! They never spent the day or night with their grandparents. Because that is what the GP's wanted. I used to hire someone to go shopping with me at Christmas time to keep the boys busy while I put their presents in the car. My MIL wouldn't watch them for 1 hour. So I wanted my DIL to know that IF SHE wanted or needed me I would do anything I could to make her life easier and better. So my own MIL has been something I've never wanted to be. Also I've been able to remember what many things felt like and remember what I was thinking when my boys were little. I think that has helped me a little in this one role of my life. My life just was so different than I read here. My parents always lived thousands of miles away and my MIL was not around even though she lived across the street. She didn't want the GKs around or to hold them ect. As a matter of fact my middle son was 13 months old the first time my MIL ever held him. She was a real gem that one!

#6 OliveJuice

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Posted 30 August 2010 - 11:39 AM

At times - sure. I'm hoping that I'm learning something in this difficult situation we have with my MIL. First and foremost, never make assumptions and communication is key. I'm taking every opportunity to learn a little about myself and others around me (and taking a lot from this site!) in the hope that my husband and I don't repeat the same issues that we have faced. I realize every situation is a little different, but for us, building a meaningful relationship with our boys that is based on trust and open communication as they grow older will be important. My MIL has clearly stated, "We don't talk about things" and this has made working on the situation difficult. It goes so much deeper than communication, but this seems to be the cornerstone of all other issues.

#7 deka21

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Posted 30 August 2010 - 11:45 AM

That is a very interesting question. I have two boys and raised them to be very self-sufficient from an early age. They did their own laundry, learned to cook and clean and to understand that work and chores are not gender specific; as a feminist I felt that this was my contribution to gender equality. If I had been posting here back in the day, my posts complaining about my MIL would have been identical to the ones you read here from most of the DIL's. With age has come perspective and I realize now that my relationship with my MIL did not have to be so adversarial. I know now that none of the stuff she did was any sort of attack on myself or how I did things. I know now that a lot of her advice was good advice, even if it was unsolicited and at the time, although she did not know it, I adopted in secret because it WAS helpful. I had read all of the parenting books and thought I knew everything about everything and now realize I must have been SO obnoxious. Now that I am a MIL myself I understand the adage "A daughters a daughter for the rest of her life, a son is a son 'til he takes a wife".

#8 Suzila

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Posted 31 August 2010 - 10:29 AM

My sons are now 30 and 31 years old, both new Daddys. The girls they married are two very different people, and yet we all get along pretty well. I joined this group because of its name: Mothers-In-Law Anonymous. I am a MIL, so wanted to hear how other MILs deal with situations as they come up. I mostly read the posts, rarely post myself, because I, thankfully, don't have the horror stories that most people on here have. We get along with both our DILs parents...to the point that we have been on a number of vacations with them on our own...without all the kids. We've also been on vacations with everyone, including all the kids...both sides, both sons, DILs, and their parents all at once. We're waiting now until our new granddaughters are old enough to make a trip so we can plan our next 'family vacation'. I did not teach my sons how to do their own laundry when they were children...until they really needed to know, when they went away to college. However, they both clean their homes now and cook and do the dishes, and do the laundry...equally with their wives. They both see their homes as 'their' homes...not the wife does this, the husband does this. My hubby and I have always taught them this...hubby does some chores I don't like to do, I do some he doesn't like to do, but we pitch in and do it all together. I can see where you would be worried that your sons may grow up to be one of those who is talked about here on the board, but if you do your part to bring your sons up as well as you can, they'll have a better chance of being a good husband, a good father, and you'll all get along. I'll admit it's hard when you have boys and then a girl is brought into the picture. He isn't your little boy any more...he belongs to someone else, and your relationship with him will change. He still will always be my son. The girl was not brought up anything like your son, however, she becomes a part of your family now, and everyone needs to go through adjustments to make it all work.

#9 MommyIsMyName

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Posted 31 August 2010 - 10:50 AM

It could happen, and I hope it doesn't, but on the other hand, I hope that I have the sense to respect boundaries and butt out.One thing that really bugs me about my MIL (and I do love her dearly, so don't get me wrong) is the fact that my husband acts as if we cannot go anywhere as a family without her. Now, I go out of my way to include her, I don't want her 'phased out' by any means, I really enjoy her company.But there are times where I would like it to be just 'us' and my husband calls me names and acts like I'm evil if I even suggest it. She vacations with 'us' and takes over completely, even shares the hotel room with 'us'.As a result of this problem, I no longer look at my husband as a 'man' and I'm not attracted to him anymore.I'm repulsed by him, actually! He knows this, and he doesn't care, as long as his mom gets to tag along.So I plan to teach my boys to put their wives first like they should, and I fully intend on backing off and not putting my DIL's through this.So hopefully, that will help : )

#10 newbie

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Posted 31 August 2010 - 10:50 AM

Yup. I'm terrified. I'm hoping to not make the mistakes my MIL has made (though I'm sure I'll find new ones) And mostly I hope that I raise my son to be honest with me, and I hope that as a family we enjoy each other enough that he'll actually WANT to be with us, and not just do it out of obligation. And I hope I raise a man that is independent enough to not have to rely on his wife to do all the social scheduling.

#11 kaysimon1324

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Posted 31 August 2010 - 10:54 AM

i am a mil and i know that our older son does the shopping for his dad and me - and that our younger son (probably with the help of his wife) does the shopping for both of us.

#12 kaysimon1324

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 12:00 PM

i am a mil - at the time we were rearing our sons (now both married and with children), happily, thank God - i thought i was being the "perfect mother" - i was a "stay-at-home" mom - both my husband and i had decided this is what we wanted long before we had children - i did all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, food shopping, clothes shopping, let the boys play all day, never gave them any chores to do - when old enough, they were given allowances, without having to work for them - as another poster said, i taught my sons how to do their laundry before they went off to college - i wrote notebooks for them on HOW to separate the clothes, etc. - they never opened up the books - i could tell by looking at their clothes - oh, i used to "help" them pick up their toys once or twice a day - and "help" them keep their rooms straightened - with me doing most of the work - after they would be in bed, i used to line up their little match box cars and tonka trucks by size and color so that they would be all neat and ready for them for the next day - all i can say is that i have done both of their wives great disservices - fortunately, both wives straightened my sons out - they now split the housework right down the middle - they both work - and it works for them - my sons never had to make their beds - boy, given another chance, i would have done things much differently - i would have taught them to learn how to take care of themselves - then their wives would not have had to teach them!!!!!

#13 ReneeN79

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 02:38 PM

I'm concerned with how I will handle my own sense of loss if my son ends up with a woman who does have an agenda. I've also been concerned that one of my daughters will move away. I have my own dreams and ideas what the future for them will be like, and I know, with absolute certainty, that my dreams will not match theirs. LOL

#14 LuvNLife

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 02:55 PM

Renee, You are a very wise person. Because as someone with grown children now you are right! They will turn out and go in so many different ways and I promise you haven't even thought of them yet. All a person can do is raise them the very best you can and prepare them for the world to protect themselves when you are no longer around. A PRAY they make the right choices. And love them no MATTER what! They will make you proud! How many DD do you have? I've always thought having a girl would be so much fun? My Mom had 3 of each. She told me once that girls were harder because they use their mouth when they are mad. Saying stuff like, "I hate you" LOL but in the end of it she said daughters were a Mother's dream? I'll never know. LOL

#15 gram07

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 03:12 PM

To all you DsIL with sons, please realize that we were at one time also very close and open with our sons. I had very good relationships with each of mine. My oldest was like my best friend. I was a single mom for over five years when my sons were growing up. So of course I was close to them and we were all a "team". It is very hard to believe when it happens that your close friend suddenly wants you to not be a part of his life anymore. And I'm not talking about just backing away. Sometimes when a man meets the woman he wants to marry, he is so involved with her at the beginning that he doesn't even come around you much anymore. And, if his mate doesn't like you, or understands that you had a close relationship before she came along, she is going to do what she can to put distance between you and her man. No matter that it isn't a sexual relationship, but merely a mother and son relationship, she wants to be the ONLY woman in his life. Letting go of your son to such a degree takes years. It doesn't happen overnite. And when you have all sons, you are sometimes left with little to hold on to as far as relationships, loved ones and family. The DIL/DS really are too busy with their own life to care about your emotions. If you complain, it only pushes them further away. Many times, they will not understand until they are older or in "family mode" themselves to realize how you feel. In "normal" circumstances, this will be a time when everyone starts to relax and show concern. That is until the cycle starts again with the next generation.

#16 OADLove

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 03:43 PM

Gram: "No matter that it isn't a sexual relationship, but merely a mother and son relationship, she wants to be the ONLY woman in his life." Gram, I never felt that way towards my MIL. The problems we had in our relationship wasn't because I wanted to be the "only" woman. You've told us that you've been married many times. Is this the way you felt towards your MsIL?

#17 4alarm

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 04:11 PM

So the other day I as cuddling with my son (who is 10 and still cuddles every now and again.) I said to him, "Can I keep you?" DS: "Only until I get married Mom. Then I'll have a wife and she keeps me. You don't want me 30 years old living in the basement... that would be gross." He's setting the expectations early ;) I am hoping my expectations don't run amok. My DH has promised to beat me with a stick if I get to out of control.

#18 oscarsmaman

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 04:52 PM

You have a good husband, 4alarm. MommyIsMyName: “She vacations with 'us' and takes over completely, even shares the hotel room with 'us'.As a result of this problem, I no longer look at my husband as a 'man' and I'm not attracted to him anymore.I'm repulsed by him, actually!” Guh….WHAT? Oh, that’s bad. Very bad. But I know what you mean. It’s hard to find attractive a man who must have his mommy with him in inappropriate situations like the one you’re describing (sharing hotel rooms on vacations). My MIL and FIL have suggested we should share hotel rooms with them, which is completely whack. We can well afford our own room. DH readily put the kibosh on that. ----- KaySimon: “all i can say is that i have done both of their wives great disservices - fortunately, both wives straightened my sons out - they now split the housework right down the middle.” Hey, at least your DS’s are pitching in now. And you deserve an “A” for attitude, in my book (three cheers for you!). If you were really a horrible MIL, you’d purposely train your DS’s NOT to do housework, and you’d openly criticize your DILs for not taking better care of them “like mamma did”! ---- As for me, I’m the GP.com freak for having no children and posting to a GP site (because there aren’t any other forums for MILs like there are for DILs. At least, none that are open to DILs). It’s going to be interesting watching my relatives and friends with young sons as we get older, though. I can already tell a few who are going to crack when their sons get married. And it seems like everyone I know is having, or has had, sons. I don’t know what it is. Is the aspartame in everything creating more boys? Weird.

#19 gram07

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 05:08 PM

OAD said...***You've told us that you've been married many times. Is this the way you felt towards your MsIL?*** UUhhh...I said I was married twice. Is that many in your calculations? I am engaged again, but still single. When I marry again (no date yet), then in my calculations, that would be a few, which is more than a couple, but a lot less than "many". My first marriage lasted for 16 years and the second for 21 years, so hardly enough time there for "many". LOL But thanks for the compliment that I have the ability to nail that many men! LOL I've talked about my MsIL before but here it is again. My first MIL of 16 years was an absolute angel and a mother to me, even though I had my own dear mother close also. MIL was sweet, kind, taught me a lot about cooking and was an excellent role model. I asked her about families and child care many times beginning with my first pregnancy. She was a wonderful grandma that my boys loved. As was/is my own dear mother. My second MIL was stingy, snide, made constant innuendos about me even to my face. We had battles and it was never a real love relationship although, I did respect her and understood her. She got under my skin, but I was confident in my own abilities and my children were mostly raised by then. I just simply ignored her waspishness MOST of the time. Her son was a real momma's boy and NEVER took my side on anything to her face. She brought him his favorite candy and babied him ridiculously. Ergo, he is now my X after 21 years. No big deal. I simply let it/him go and have moved on.

#20 oscarsmaman

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Posted 02 September 2010 - 05:15 PM

Gram07: "Her son was a real momma's boy and NEVER took my side on anything to her face." How much of a role do you think your frustration with his mom played in your divorce from him, if you don't mind my asking? Because there are times when I lose hope and wonder why we're staying together, when his family is so inflexible, manipulative, and critical. It's a little less than two years ago, but every four months or so...Anguish.