People are often surprised by how they are perceived, including me. Recently I found out that some people feel attacked when I address all points they raise. They feel like I'm picking apart their words. But that's not my intention. I figure you bothered to think, feel and write. You reached out here and took the time to communicate it, so I am respecting your effort to consider everything you say. Also, it's what I'd do if I was sitting across the coffee table from you. You'd say a sentence or two and I'd respond, back and forth. Also if you write 45 sentences, I'm not sure which ones I'm supposed to ignore. So if you are one of the people who feel attacked when I 'listen' to everything you write, I apologize in advance. Your story is very interesting. These are my thoughts. They are only mine and worth nothing more than what you value in them. Take what you leave and leave the rest. "...I have never liked the in-law part I always thought when my son married their spouse would be another child of mine..." Whether you like it or not, the 'in-law thing' is a reality. There has been friction in IL relationships for milenium, since the begining of time. That's why it's one of the first things the Bible mentions, that a man should leave his FOO
and cleave to his wife. I'm not saying you are hindering this, only that you don't understand how primal a problem it is. Your son did not marry a child, he married an adult who'd left her childhood behind. She had a mother already and a history of growing from childhood to adulthood that completely excludes you. And always will. Sometimes our childrens spouses become like children to us. And we all want that. But it takes a long time, almost as long as it takes them to grow from childhood to adulthood. You expectations and good will were flawed from the beginning; and they led you astray. "...His friends always called me mom!..." You like being mom, but you ARE NOT mom. Not to his friends and not to her. Be honest, how many of those friends still call you mom? They grew up and moved on, it's a joke, and affectionate nickname. I'm sure they genuinely like you, but they never considered you mom for real. It was an honorific, and something to be proud of, but nothing to have taken seriously--or to expect was your due from everyone your son was close to. "...From the very beginning as much as I love my sons wife there was a clear line drawn!..." Of course there was. That's normal. Especially in the beginning. It's not sinister. It's not evidence that there's something wrong with her or there's a secret agenda. It's to be expected. It's healthy and normal and expected, and had it been otherwise that would have been abnormal. Remember you are/were a stranger to her. People do have lines drawn between them and strangers. That's the norm; as you know one another, over years, the lines/boundaries weaken and blur--sometimes. Depending on compatibility. It's is abnormal and a sign of a problem to immediately bond with strangers. A red flag. A sign of dependency and enmeshment--not of love and closeness. If you can love strangers like close family, you are not very discriminating, and that love doesn't mean much. "...Even though it was something I sensed more than was actually said to us!..." Because it didn't need to be said. It was normal and understood. She at least realized that you were strangers and had to feel each other out slowly.