Quantcast

Jump to content

Chat


Photo
- - - - -

daughter in law problems


  • Please log in to reply
8 replies to this topic

#1 jackyskis

jackyskis

    Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 3 posts

Posted 02 January 2012 - 10:14 AM

what do you do with ungrateful DIL? just spent entire Christmas helping them move into and renovate new house. entailed me driving 400 miles from my home to theirs, hefting boxes into and out of my car every day, stripping wallpaper, sanding, painting rooms all day over Xmas week, no stopping for lunch, and it was I that made dinner most nights; she went off to her parents for Christmas eve, day and day after, leaving me to cook for my son who was working nights, so I had pretty lonely evenings. eventually left after being accused of tidying and losing some papers of hers while totally cleaning the kitchen in her new house (which she never acknowledged) and not being thanked for the many Christmas presents I had brought to them.

#2 SueSTx

SueSTx

    Moderator

  • Moderators
  • 6139 posts

Posted 02 January 2012 - 10:44 AM

I'm sorry you are feeling unappreciated. Did your DS (dear son) or DIL(DaughterInLaw) ask you to help with their move or did you volunteer? Most DILs don't feel comfortable having their MIL (MotherInLaw) putting things away in their new home. They want to do it themselves. Did your DS invite you to stay over through the holidays knowing that your DIL was going to her FOO (family of origin) for an extended visit? If you were alone at his home and gave up on a celebration somewhere else, sorry, but that is on you. If no one showed their appreciation for all the work you did while they were working and visiting, the next time they ask for your help simply say "No thanks".

#3 threelittleones

threelittleones

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 357 posts

Posted 02 January 2012 - 10:47 AM

It sounds like you worked really hard and feel unappreciated. But are you mad at her, at them, or at him? She ensured you spent several holiday days with your son-wasn't that nice of her? You didn't have to share at all. So the nights were lonely because she was gone-I don't think you can have it both ways, have her back at night then disappear during the day again. Have you talked to your son about the way you left? Isn't it his kitchen too? Unless there is something else going on, you seem to be putting it all on her and son is blameless/perfect. Is that right?

#4 jackyskis

jackyskis

    Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 3 posts

Posted 02 January 2012 - 11:10 AM

Yeah, i know I've got to stop griping, but gratitude works both ways and I just never seem to get any. sure, my son is to blame too - they do seem to expect a whole lot of help from all friends and family, both practical and financial. this "button your lip" thing sure is hard to learn, but I'll keep at it. I always start a visit being upbeat, helpful and supportive, but as the days wear on and I feel used, I guess the answer is to stay for only a couple of days and plead some other appointment. One thing, don't you think that whatever she thought, her parting words should have been "it was so good of you to drive down and help us this week, we really appreciate it". or do us seniors have to just accept that we are taken for granted these days, shut up and bear it?

#5 memphi

memphi

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 1658 posts

Posted 02 January 2012 - 11:13 AM

Don't go if you don't want to help. Certainly don't go for false gratitude.

#6 britomart

britomart

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 2384 posts
  • LocationSouthern Cali

Posted 02 January 2012 - 11:48 AM

Hi Jackyskis - I wanted to let you know there are MILs and DILs on this forum so you'll probably get advice from both. I am a DIL. I have a few questions. Do you know for a fact that DIL actually wanted you to come out and help them with the move? The reason I ask is because moving and organizing her new home sounds like something a woman would want to do without possible interference from other women. I do not tend to like other people (besides my husband) helping me with things in my home. I get along very well with my in-laws and my MIL has been offering to help DH and I with painting and re-organizing our home since we had our son in February. I've made sure that DH has turned down the offer numerous times because I am uncomfortable with her going through our things and offering her opinion on how things in my home should be. (I don't even like when my mom offers me advice on how to organize my home.) So, do you know for a fact that your DIL was comfortable having you help with the move? If she wanted you to help and did not say thank you for the help then that was pretty rude. If she did not want you to help then that explains her being gone most evenings and Christmas eve and day. She also may have been uncomfortable having you in her home for that long. I generally do not like to have guests stay in my home for more than a day or two at the most - even my own family. I also wanted to ask if your son offered his thanks for the help. If he asked you to help then he definitely should have thanked you for your help. Also, if he thanked you then they both may have considered that to be thanks for both of them. I know if my family helps DH and I out with something I am always sure to thank them profusely on behalf of myself and DH. I don't expect DH to thank my parents or sibling for their help. Did your son thank you for your help?

#7 mamimi

mamimi

    Advanced Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 70 posts

Posted 02 January 2012 - 12:12 PM

APOLOGIZE for loosing her papers. apology In interpersonal manners, an acceptance of responsibility for a wrong, plus a pledge to change one's ways. The wrong may be either intentional or accidental; an apology is fitting in either case. The apology is usually made to the person or persons wronged, but may also be made to any third party to whom the wrongful act was evidence of untrustworthiness. The purpose of an apology is to put the listener at ease regarding the trustworthiness of the apologizing party. An apology is not complete if it does not reflect all four of these: regret, understanding of the problem, acceptance of responsibility, and willingness to do better. These are the necessary ingredients of a strong and reliable behavioral curb, a self-imposed restriction which the offender agrees to live by. It's your best guarantee and assurance that the behavior will not happen again (in fact, that's the whole purpose of an apology). If you don't hear all of the above elements in the apology, ask for them. If the offender resists, be skeptical. Apologies to Watch Out For Backpedaling: Beware of people who apologize sincerely, but later back away from their apologies, bringing up the disagreement over and over in statements like "You hurt me when you corrected me," as though your correction of them was not deserved or was some kind of original offense against them. Be suspicious of people whose annoyance (at being corrected) outlasts their remorse. The "Iffy" Apology: "I'm sorry if I hurt you." Beware that word "if," which means "Your pain is still hypothetical to me, not something I'm convinced of." It's sometimes meant to call your perceptions into question, and to suggest that maybe you're overreacting. If there's no "if" about it, say so. "I Don't Know What I Did": Beware the ones who apologize but claim not to understand what they've done wrong (even though you've explained it perfectly well). Their remorse is probably sincere, but they have no idea what to avoid doing in the future, and so, your trust in such people would be misplaced. The Attitude Apology and The "But" Apology: Any apology of the form "I'm sorry, but ____." Examples: {You're reading "Definition of Apology" by J. E. Brown.} "I'm sorry, but you have to understand...."; "I'm sorry, but I was right to do that"; "I'm sorry, but you ____"; "I'm very sorry I did that, but I've moved on." One thing I've learned about "I'm sorry, but" is that nothing before the "but" can safely be taken literally. {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Re...ns/apology.html .} Remember that forgiveness only happens when someone regains your trust. And not until. Remind the offender of this, if necessary. People who value your trust (as the favor it is) are called friends, and will show concern for your happiness. [Adapted from "How Recipients React," at Letters of Reprimand and Correction ] Fake Apologies and How to Recognize Them While a true apology shows concern for the receiver, many fake apologies begin with "I'm sorry" but end with a point that is completely incompatible with remorse: {You're reading "Definition of Apology" by J. E. Brown.} Standing by what you did is not remorse, therefore not an apology. Demanding to be forgiven is self-serving. A good general formula to help you recognize non-apologies is "If it's self-serving, it's not an apology." Changing the subject is not an apology: "Well, what about what you did?" Changing the subject indicates an unwillingness to apologize. Verbal abusers often show resistance to apologizing. Continuing to insist that what you've done was not verbal abuse somehow, or that verbal abuse is somehow not wrong, or that Wrong is somehow relative -- that's not an apology. The point of apologizing is not to say that the crime still feels reasonable to you. "I'm sorry but ____" is not an apology, because it does not communicate an understanding that you did wrong. Any blaming of the receiver's perceptions: "I'm sorry you perceived that I ____." Calling someone delusional is a tactic, not an apology. See Gaslighting, Definition of. "You misunderstood." Pretending that your words didn't mean what they mean, i.e. pretending that your words don't have literal meaning, is not an apology. "I'm sorry you misunderstood" is a more blatant, in-your-face form. Most often, when someone says "I'm sorry you misunderstood," neither is true. Calling the receiver "ungrateful" for not instantly forgiving. In general, calling the receiver ethically defective, perceptually defective, etc., are not apologies, but are forms of gaslighting. "But I didn't do it on purpose!" The universal excuse of good intentions isn't an apology; it's an excuse for doing more of the same, for continuing to offend. It's a childish belief that one can continue acting in a

#8 jackyskis

jackyskis

    Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 3 posts

Posted 03 January 2012 - 05:32 AM

Wow! mamimi, some sort of Wiki on apologies there! me, I think that if you get to the stage of apologies, something has gone wrong with the relationship; two points : a) I actually had not lost her papers, they had been somewhere else, and B) i was helping them move, as I have a large pickup, with which we did 20 or so journeys from old house to new one so that on the day of relocation this week they only had the big furniture to move. they only have a small saloon car that doesn't take much stuff. Also, DIL WAS v keen on me helping with the renovation of the new house; they have gotten several sets of friends and inlaws to go over and help renovate over these last two weeks, I was just one of them. And so yes, I was pleased to be included, but you can betcha that they didn't send their friends away without thanking them profusely for helping out. they move in on wednesday and I have sent them a bouquet of flowers with vase and chocolates and heartfelt housewarming message to arrive that day. Now who's being inconsiderate here?.

#9 rosered135

rosered135

    Moderator

  • Moderators
  • 12454 posts
  • LocationNortheast, U.S.

Posted 03 January 2012 - 03:31 PM

Welcome to the group, jackyskis! I truly feel for you but I'm glad you brought your problem to us! There is a couple in my family who is just like what you seem to be describing - will always than friends profusely for any gift, help, etc but always find fault with those of relatives or respond with "faint praise." So I know what you're talking about. Even though such people continue to invite both FOOs (families of origin) and reach out for their help, etc., I suspect they often have conflicted feelings about one or both FOOs. Those family members, IMO, need to decide for themselves if, perhaps, they want to back away a little (or a lot). Granted while DIL may have been "eager" to have you help with the renovations, she may not have wanted you to "tidy" her house, etc. It's possible that, with all good intentions, you made assumptions that went beyond anything she wanted or expected and so crossed her boundaries. I'm glad that it turned out that you *didn't* misplace her papers and sorry she was so quick to accuse you. But waht I said, above, notwithstanding, if she didn't thank you, as you were leaving, it may be b/c there was still tension between you and/or she was still angry at you for putting her things away w/o asking or being asked. Or she may have blown up at you that way b/c you were there "too long," for her comfort (you mention possibly making visits shorter). And so all-in-all, she wasn't feeling very grateful when you left. Perhaps neither was DS, given the tensions at the end of the visit. Regardless, I'm glad you're airing your grievances here, instead of complaining to DS (dear son) or DIL. That would, most likely, only create further tensions. I can just hear DIL saying to DS, ("She went through * my* things and *she's" complaining?") Also, I agree, for the future, with your idea of keeping visits shorter. And with the advice that you might want to be less willing to help, even when asked. Unless helping and spending time with DS means enough to you that you're willing to accept the lack of a show of appreciation. (And yes, it *is* lovely, as a PP mentioned, that you got to spend so much time with DS). In that case, by all means, help out but do so w/o expecting the same kind of gratitude you see others getting. And, of course, for shorter periods. But whatever you do, please avoid "helping out" in ways that are not asked for. That probably doesn't seem like help to DS and/or DIL, as good as your intentions are. With all our advice in mind, I think you're ready to deal with - and even enjoy - DS and DIL in the future. Best to you! :-)