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Family, Respect, and Acceptance


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#1 Hollye1976

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Posted 19 February 2012 - 11:35 PM

I have been reading many of the posts from different daughters in law on here and I find the control issues that many of you have are overwhelming. Maybe it is because I am a mother of 3 and have been married for over a decade and actually know how hard it is to raise children while working full time, but I have a much different perspective on the word "family". It amazes me how many new moms have put strict regulations on visits, overnights, when and where they can drive their grandchildren, what they can feed them, what clothes they can buy them, etc. If I may, I just want to give these young women a piece of advice. It truly does take a village to raise a child and if you think that you and your husband can do it alone you are sadly mistaken. Your mothers in law raised your husbands to be the men you fell in love with so how can they be so bad? All mothers in law can get on your nerves from time to time and may say something that is annoying, but stop reading so much into it. Stop looking at everything they do as a threat to you. You will need these people in your life and they should be valued. If you think that you are going to be able to control everything that happens to your child you are mistaken. Other kids will pick on them, they will break arms, and eat things that will make them sick. It is called childhood. Please stop trying to control every aspect of their young lives. You will just drive yourself crazy. Grandparents are supposed to feed them candy, buy them ugly outfits, give them tons of crap they don't need, want to spend lots of time with them, and call you everyday checking on them. They are the light of their lives. Do not take that away from them. They are just as much a part of your parents and in laws as they are a part of you. I understand that there are situations such as abuse, drugs, alcohal, etc. that may be an issue and of course you have to protect your children from those issues, but because your mother in law wants to spend too much time with your precious baby? It just doesn't make any sense. I love my mom very much and she is my best friend. I love my mother in law very much and she has always been there for me when I needed her. It is usually in a different way than my mom, but that is alright. My mom is the type that will do arts and crafts, sew, and color with the grandkids. My MIL is the type to take them to the art museum, get a pedicure, and go out to lunch. I think my kids are lucky because they have the best of both worlds. I do not judge my MIL because she is not like my mom. All of these people in your life may be very different, but they all have one thing in common. They love your children. Stop being petty and accept them for who they are. It will make your life much richer. And remember that many of you will be mothers in law one day. How would you want to be treated? Think about it........

#2 BSW

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Posted 19 February 2012 - 11:42 PM

Good luck with that post Hollye. The firing squad will begin in 3, 2, 1

#3 Hollye1976

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Posted 19 February 2012 - 11:49 PM

LOL! This is my first post on here so we shall see.

#4 OliveJuice

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 12:11 AM

Okay - I'll bite. And guessing from your screen name, you're the same age I am. Interestingly enough, I also have three kids and work full time. I full well realize that my DH and I can't do it alone - that's why we have a babysitter and a very tight knit, trustworthy group of friends. This is going to come across as totally snarky, but I don't know a better way to do it. Since you're so full of advice and all-knowing, what would you suggest I do about a MIL who, in a letter, told my DH I am a controlling, gold-digging, wh@%# who needs to be put in my place? Who also happens to make fun of my kids for their choice in footwear and derides them for not knowing the name of the national anthem at ages one and four. And please keep in mind these are merely examples and not an exhaustive list. Nope - no drugs or alcohol. But why should my kids need to be defended from their grandparents? And why should poor behavior be rewarded? Would you accept this kind of behavior from a friend? I truly wish we had a situation where my MIL could be trusted to do the right thing by our kids, but we don't. So consider yourself lucky that you have an IL relationship that has been so blessed.

#5 jaci

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 12:21 AM

Quote: "Grandparents are supposed to feed them candy, buy them ugly outfits, give them tons of crap they don't need, want to spend lots of time with them, and call you everyday checking on them. They are the light of their lives. Do not take that away from them." unquote Read more: http://www.grandpare...l#ixzz1mtcaKLkB I am a MIL to 3 girls, married to my sons. One, I simply don't like. The second, I can only tolerate her but so much. The third, I dearly love. I never thought a GP has the right to give kids candy, or sodas, or do anything against the parents wishes. I refuse to buy them ugly outfits, and would never give them loads of crap. I do take the kids shopping with me, and they ick out what they like. Sometimes my son or DIL will go with me, and help the child pick out clothes. I honor my children's wishes when it comes to the GKs. I'd hate to think anyone would have the need to call me everyday to check on anyone. Thats annoying! I love my grandkids very much, but they aren't the light of my eyes. They are not my life! No wonder so many GPs gets cut off!

#6 SueSTx

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 12:29 AM

First, let me say that I am a MIL! I also have a very good relationship with my DIL. I had a very overbearing MIL who I put up with for 20 yrs. My teenagers cut her off in part for the way she treat me and also how she treated them. I finally followed in their footsteps. "Grandparents are supposed to feed them candy, buy them ugly outfits, give them tons of crap they don't need, want to spend lots of time with them, and call you everyday checking on them." I think I'm gonna have to disagree with everyone of your examples. As far as respect...how in the world can a MIL expect respect for herself when she disrespects her own adult kids/spouses by not following their rules/boundries for their children. One of the biggest problems I had with my MIL was her calling every day after lunch right after I had my newborn and 18 month asleep. All she wanted to know was, "Did you get the babys to sleep yet" grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I do not call my own adult kids to this day for this very reason. I refuse to interupt their lives.

#7 SarahCasera

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 01:28 AM

Can you define "control issues"? I know that there will be countless things that my child will encounter that I cannot control, that's a given. But my husband and I made a choice to have children and we plan to give our children the best possible foundation that we can. We choose to breastfeed our children, we choose to interact with our children instead of having them watch TV or play with electronic toys when they are quite young. We think this is best for our children. Would we be controlling by asking that other people in our children's lives follow our principles of parenting when they are with our children? Every parent has things that matter to them and things that don't matter to them (I don't worry about my kids sharing food with the dog, but I'd be beyond ****** if anyone gave my kids soda), isn't that the parent's choice? My parenting choices don't hurt the relationship between my children and their grandparents. Frankly, any grandparent who would let their children's parental decisions come between their grandchildren and them (by not respecting those decisions) doesn't seem like that great of a grandparent or influence on a young child, in my opinion.

#8 MrsKitty

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 01:38 AM

So, to sum up, you think that people are petty if they do not share the same parenting and family outlook as you. How open-minded of you. I am a year older than you (so, no, not a "young" mom--when I finally have kids--fingers crossed, I'll be an OLD mom)...and I don't agree with anything you said. I guess I'm petty...

#9 kerijo77

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 01:50 AM

I'm sorry that you and your DH can't handle raising the three kids you have. May I suggest an organizational class or maybe some parenting classes? I, too, have three kids: 17, 14 and 14 months. DH and I have no problem raising them. Can you tell me where you got your information about the things a GP is _suppose_ to do? I thought GP were suppose to love their GC, not fill their bodies and lives with junk and want them to wear ugly clothes.

#10 MizzDeeDee

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 02:26 AM

Holly, First, I am the same age as you.. just thought I would throw that out there. Second, I didn't have grandparents that did any of the things you indicated above, then again, they understood boundaries as well. It probably had something to do with respecting my parents as the parents and knowing that they were the grandparents and my parents made the rules. Not allowing your child to have unlimited access to their grandparents isn't petty. It's a parenting choice. I personally choose to use more of a Attachment Parenting Approach. I want my daughter to build a bond with her primary care givers. This is for her emotional well being in my opinion. That doesn't make me petty, it makes me a parent that has made a choice as to how I wish to have my daughter raised. As for when I am a MIL, I will certainly allow my daughter to raise her child and have her own life because that's part of having adult children. You raised them to grow up and make their own lives for themselves.. not cling to your apron strings indefinately.

#11 PhalenMum

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 03:46 AM

so according to you, Holly, it was entirely within my MIL's rights to send ODS illegal fireworks in the mail because she's his grandmother. It was within her rights to demand alone time with ODS so she and her pedo BFF could go play mommy and feed him candy and soda before he was a year old. It does NOT take a village to raise a child. It takes the love and devotion of at least one PARENT. everyone else is icing if they aren't boundary stomping toxic threats to family harmony. I've taken a line from Simpsons and have had to use it not only on my ILs but on my own parents who (now that mom's retired) seem to think that all of MY time should be spent catering to them... "If you are not married to or have sprung from my loins, get out"

#12 Basilbrush

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 03:55 AM

I don’t know if this is a coincidence but the vast majority of people who write in with such strong views that the DIL needs to correct her IL relationship tend to have what they say are wonderful relationships with their own MILs. I can’t help wondering if the issue is that they can’t relate to those DILs who have not had things so smooth with the MIL. Anyway, a few of the OP’s points were quite interesting: “Your mothers in law raised your husbands to be the men you fell in love with so how can they be so bad?” -\\tSome men are wonderful people in spite of how they were raised not because of it. “You will need these people in your life and they should be valued.” -\\tAll human life has an intrinsic value but I know people who could do without their (very disagreeable) MILs and who would be justified in keeping them at arms’ length. “I love my mother in law very much and she has always been there for me when I needed her.” OP, surely you must know that not all MILs are as loveable (and loving) as yours. There are women out there who go out of their way to destroy their children’s marriages for various reasons. MILs don’t have a monopoly on this type of behaviour by any means but it is not uncommon. Please write back and tell us why you seem to think that it’s all the DIL’s fault when things don’t work out with the MIL (your advice is for DILs only so I take it that, in your view, they are the ones who are at fault). “If I may, I just want to give these young women a piece of advice.” -\\tYou just patronised a whole lot of people whose lives you know very little about based on your own experience and without the benefit, apparently, of understanding why IL relationships can be so problematic. “I do not judge my MIL because she is not like my mom.” -\\tYou sound like a saint. Whatever you’re on, I wouldn’t mind some.

#13 rosered135

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 04:31 AM

Unless you're being incredibly sarcastic, Holly, you certainly have some very strong opinions - opinions that are very different from many of those in this group. I appreciate the fact that you have the courage to express them. And that you're among those who, every now and then, remind us that not all DILs have the same PO V on these matters, any more than all MILs do. Also, I think it's wonderful that both your DM and MIL provide such enriching experiences for your DC. And that you appreciate them both. Clearly, you have a (reasonably) good relationship with both women, and that's a beautiful thing! As a mom/MIL/GM, myself, however, I have to take exception to some of your points. While I understand your thought that kids will eat foods that are bad for them, at some point or other, I don't see how that means that parents shouldn't try to prevent that if and when they can. And that involves, IMO. expecting people you (general) entrust their care to, whether GPs, aunts and uncles or a professional nanny. And while I get that kids are likely to meet up with bullies at school (Groan!), I can't imagine letting them suffer ridicule or favoritism, etc,, at the hands of their own GPs, people they are supposed to be able to trust. And U certainly hope the outfits I buy my DGC aren't "ugly!." Or that YDD/their mom doesn't think so. But maybe that's why I usually checlk with her about what I want to get b4 I purchase it. Those are just e examples of the many points I don't agree with in your post, as much as I appreciate your making them. But I guess the comment that boggled my mind the most was the one about the GPs calling "every day to check on" the GC. Well, ok, maybe after filling them with all that candy you say is par for the course and giving them all that "crap," they're worried. But really, as a young mom, I would have taken that as an insult to my intelligence and ability as a parent! And I still see it the same way today. I mean, hey, don't ply my kids with junk and then act as if you think *I* don't know how to take care of them! LOL! Seriously, my DGC are, no doubt, the "light of my life." Not that I don't have other people and interests in my world. But on those days when all else seems to be going bad, they are the bright spot that make everything ok. And as their daily 'nanny granny," my relationship with them is "up close" and so, I'm privy to a lot of details I might not t]otherwise know. But even so, I defer to YDD and her rules for them - b/c *she's* their mother and I'm not. Please understand that I'm not trying to praise myself for that, but if I can do it, so can other GPs,IMHO, including those who see their grands less often than I.

#14 dillynilly

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 06:47 AM

Thanks for the advice! My parents moved away with us for my dads job when I was 3. They went on to have a total of 4 kids and we saw my grandmothers every other year. Travel was expensive and tricky for both of us. All 4 of us have degrees, , I have a masters, two of us are happily married both with kds. The younger ones doing really well in their careers. My parents are both married after 37 years. What village did we need, pray tell? And also, grandparents aren't 'meant' to do anything. A privilege and not a right. Your generalized and patronizing missive proved you have not read half the stories here.

#15 kerijo77

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 07:31 AM

I find it quite odd that OP would use her first post to lecture a bunch of strangers on how we are raising our children wrong. Seems a bit controlling to me (to use her own words!). I really do wonder if her and DH are so overwhelmed with parenting their three kids that maybe she is a bit jealous that not everyone needs all sorts of "help" raising their kids. You know like, "I do not feel good about myself so I am gonna put a bunch of strangers down and turn their positive parenting skills into negative ones so that I can feel better about myself". Please, OP, come back and explain to us your need to lecture us without knowing our stories.

#16 oscarsmaman

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 07:38 AM

I can't even imagine what sort of "advice" Hollye has for DILs who don't have progeny. Oh, wait. Let me try. "Suck it up! It's just YOU and your crabbiness that's dividing his family! If you really loved your husband, you'd shut up and take it! After all, he came from his mom and dad, so they must be just like HIM, right? If you love HIM, then you HAVE to love THEM!" Hollye is 6 years YOUNGER than I, so perhaps she could use a bit of advice herself-- Stop going to cancer treatment wings and telling terminal patients to "turn that frown upside down." Stop asking descendants of Holocaust victims about that "groovy diet" their ancestors went on to get so skinny. When comforting a family who just lost everything in a house fire, don't start bragging about the new interior decorator you just hired, and the cool way you're going to scrapbook all your family photos. Finally, when you go to work with the homeless in the soup kitchen for your Thanksgiving feel-good moment, you might want to refrain from urging all of them that they obviously just have a case of the holiday blahs, and they need to go get jobs, McDonald's is hiring. I think you get my drift. I thought nothing was so irksome as a fellow DIL with a non-DUH slamming all DUHs and all DILs who are married to them ("He's your problem, he's your problem!" "Well, what do I do to solve the problem, Capt. Obvious?" "Uh....I dunno, but he's your problem! Yep, that right there, he's your problem!...And you're stupid for being married to him! *I* never had that problem because I must have been smart, not to end up with a non-DUH!"). But really? Nothing takes the cake like a DIL who has a wonderful MIL and can't fathom anyone else having a toxic or abusive MIL. Except one who has a wonderful MIL, and preaches to other DILs in unfortunate situations that they have shoddy attitudes.

#17 ElvenDaydream

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 07:55 AM

... Wow. If you're for real, I feel REALLY sorry for you. In no particular order, allow me to point out all the ways in which you're wrong. First: You get to make the decisions for your family. You do NOT get to dictate to anyone else how their family functions. Second: Nobody should have children just to make their parents happy. Also, being responsible for an adult's happiness is a cruel burden on a child. That sort of thinking should be nipped in the bud. Third: Plenty of people raise perfectly wonderful children without any grandparental involvement at all, for a variety of reasons. Grandparents are a LUXURY, not a necessity. Fourth: It does not "take a village". And even if it did, you still don't need to let the village idiot have a turn. Fifth: Parents are supposed to be parents, not friends. Sixth: Parents make the rules! That's kind of the whole job: you make rules to keep the child as safe as possible. No parenting system is going to be perfect, but that doesn't mean anyone else has the right to stomp all over the rules and do whatever they want with/to the child. Seventh: Healthy people who have healthy interpersonal relationships do not need to spoil children in order to feel fulfilled. People who think they "need" to spoil their grandchildren in order to be happy should work on their own problems instead of creating new ones for the GC they claim to love so much. I'm sure there's more, but it's too early in the morning for this.

#18 missmm

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 08:17 AM

Sometimes I think posters here loose sight of the fact that not all MIL/DIL relationships are terrible. So Holly has valid points as well as those who responded in disagreement. One thing I feel that happens more often is where it's not just easy to like each other. So often I read that it is up to the MIL to wait for and follow DIL's lead. Really shouldn't both MIL and DIL try to look for the best in each other? Not be so quick to read negative into conversations so quickly. In other words to give each other a chance whenever possible. "Spoiling" GKs is something to be done with the parent's permission, IMO.I didn't know until I was an adult that staying up late or having a special dessert at GM was agreed upon in advance (out of us kids hearing). Kinda like telling the kids in front of the babysitter that if they behave for her then she can let them stay up an extra half hour or whatever. Parents need to know what is going on with their kids but not expect everyone else to be exactly like them with the kids. As far as "ugly clothes", beauty is in the sight of the beholder. I expect the GP who bought the clothes thought they were pretty or fun or what the GC wanted.

#19 summermommy

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 09:51 AM

Thanks for your unsolicited advice, Holly. I'll keep that in mind the next time my MIL might mention taking my children away from me. It's great you have a wonderful relationship with your MIL, honestly. What's not so great is a holier than thou attitude that's coming along with it in the tone of your post. Btw, your unsolicited advice and condescending tone may come back to bite you one day when you're a MIL as well. Just food for thought....

#20 4alarm

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Posted 20 February 2012 - 10:30 AM

Well - the OP is over 10 years younger than I am. We have 4 children Most of our marriage was spent with my husband deployed with the Navy. I rate the OP and her opinions along with those of my 15YO Knows all based on limited knowledge I will give her opinion all the consideration it deserves.