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do you and your dh tell each other everything?


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#1 Whiteroses

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Posted 03 January 2013 - 10:35 PM

So after the whole Christmas drama a few days before new years eve I ask Dh if he has talked to his parents lately, I ask because months can pass without dh talking to his parents, and because there has just been a death in the family so I was wondering how the IL were doing.Dh says yeah I talked to my Dad today,I ask how is he holding up? ,Dh says"dad is fine he just called to talk about my mom"So I ask "why is she okay?" Dh gets really serious and says " Dad said something happened between mom and bil,but it's really personal,Dad made me promise not to tell anybody." That particulat bil gets really aggressive when he drinks and has broken into nursing homes and trashed them. So this talk was on a friday, so sunday after church fil invited all the bils,gfs and I to lunch, and that Bil that Dh was referring to had a black eye .Dh and I had a talk to not have any secrets, that f for example we bump into an ex at mall or while running errands that we would tell the other, instead of us hearing from somebody else "I saw your Dw talking to her ex.."But now im wondering if he has kept anything else from me.

#2 newmommietobe

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Posted 03 January 2013 - 11:03 PM

That would make me really annoyed... I have no secrets from my husband, I am kind of wondering now what secrets he has from me. I would ask your husband.

I think it's completely inappropriate to ask a person to keep a secret from their spouse... Even if its your adult child. I don't share anything with a married/engaged/dating friend or relative unless I'm ok with their spouse knowing.
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#3 SueSTx

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Posted 03 January 2013 - 11:18 PM

Do I share every little piece of 'news' with hubby...NO.
Do I tell him the important things? Yes
Does he share most things with me...he would say yes, but so many times he simply thinks he has shared and he really hasn't.

But, I would never not share something that would affect our relationship when the absence of imformation came out.

When FIL was diagonised with cancer...MIL told hubby he was not allowed to tell me and he didn't...because apparently she assured him only 'family' needed to know.

#4 MrsKitty

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Posted 03 January 2013 - 11:31 PM

No, DH does not tell me *everything*...but he tells me everything that matters.

*This* example--he had better tell me about something like that. Let me get this straight, your DH wants you to take your small child around a violent drunk and wants you to have no clue about that person's propensity for destructive violence? Uh no. I suggest couples therapy. Your Duh lacks a protective instinct toward his wife and innocent baby. He is more worried about protecting his family name and saving face for his mother than protecting you from a violent drunk.

What happens when drunk BIL shows up after a bender and throws a chair hitting your child?

No way would I be around someone like that and if my husband hid something like that from me, I would consider *all* of my options. If your Duh thinks his family secrets are more important than your child's safety, you have a real problem there.
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#5 Whiteroses

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Posted 03 January 2013 - 11:36 PM

That bil has never asked to babysit he usually goes to parties on the weekends ,but I would never leave my Dd with him anyways.Its just that Dh won't tell me what happened.

#6 SueSTx

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Posted 03 January 2013 - 11:38 PM

Whiteroses...this is just another reason why the two of you need to go to couples counceling.

Your DH is still putting his FOO's wishes and expectations before the two of you as a couple.
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#7 Whiteroses

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Posted 03 January 2013 - 11:42 PM

I think so too:(.

#8 Weesheart75

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Posted 04 January 2013 - 02:47 AM

Ok, I'm probably in the minority here because my DH and I do not keep secrets from each other...especially ones that affect us directly. With that being said though, after you have explained that you would not allow BIL to babysit anyway and that he does his partying on the weekend (which suggests to me that he isn't drunk around your child) then I have to say that this family "secret" does not affect you directly and he was asked to keep a confidence from someone close to him (as in a family member), he's allowed to do that.

If it's just the idea that he's keeping a secret from you, look at it this way...it's not a secret in the sense that you know that something happened, he did tell you that much afterall, you just don't know the details of that something. It's not a matter of him keeping something from you, it's a matter of him giving his word that he would not repeat what was told to him by another person. If DH repeated after giving that person his word I would be more concerned then that DH couldn't be trusted not the other way around. So to me it sounds like this isn't a matter of "what else is he not telling me" and "what is it that he's hiding" so much as it is that you just want to know the details of what happened and DH is holding to his word because it really is NOYB what goes on behind closed doors w/ your ILs.

You seen the black eye, you know something happened, if you don't trust having your child around that part of family, then don't have your child around them. You know that BIL drinks, so if that had bothered you before now, then you wouldn't have allowed BIL within an inch of your child even in yours and DH's presence.

If his mom and dad decide that their "business" is really personal, then it's not for you to decide what you should know about them and what you shouldn't know just because DH happened to be privy to that info...turn the tables and ask yourself how you would feel if for instance you and MIL had a close relationship or even your mom and you confided something in her that you didn't really want other people to know, even FIL or your dad. Would you want her to be allowed to tell him, just because he is her husband and he feels that he should know everything that the two of you talk about?
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#9 mrsslant

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Posted 04 January 2013 - 03:04 AM

This is a tough one because DH and I mostly tell each other anything. I say mostly because we don't share a few things:
He doesn't want to know about certain friends of mine. He isn't a fan anyhow, so he doesn't care to know any of their news.
he shares everything he can think of in guy world. Meaning, he'll tell me basics but because he is him, details aren't all that important. So if I specifically ask things from the vague piece of info he has given me, then he will tell me if he remembers. I can see where this bothers you, White. I think Wees has a good point but at the same time I still think I'd feel uncomfortable. Because in a sense, when you are calling it "private family business" and then saying you shouldn't know about it, it is like saying you aren't family. And at the very least you are DH's main family. But then, my parents always told each other everything. (Which is SUPER embarrassing when you are a teenaged girl, btw, there are certain things you don't want your dad to know about.) But I don't think I ever expected mom NOT to tell him stuff. IDK. Perhaps I'm just silly.
Regardless, I'm going to echo everyone from this post and the last. Counseling is a must.

#10 Whiteroses

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Posted 04 January 2013 - 10:35 AM

I've never let my dd alone with anyone other than my mom.
@Weesheart75-I just find it really odd that my dh won't tell me,I think it would just have been better if he didn't mention anything in the first place.For him to say"Yeah he is doing well all things considered."Like if I tell him "I have a secret I can't tell you"its going to make my dh uncomfortable.



#11 rosered135

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Posted 04 January 2013 - 12:13 PM

Hmmm... I just think it's very "normal and natural" for husband and wife to share news, etc, even if they don't share everything. For a parent to ask a DS or DD to keep a secret from their spouse is unrealstic, IMO, and unfair/putting them in a very awkward position. As for me, I just take it as a given that anything I tell ODd is going to be repeated to SIL (and I felt the same way when YDD was married to XSIL). If there were somthing I wouldn't want my SIL to know (can't think of anything), I wouldn't tell my DD.
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#12 Weesheart75

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Posted 04 January 2013 - 12:31 PM

I understand where your coming from about it being better if he didn't mention it in the first place. He probably really should have left it as "yeah he is doing well". But on the other hand when you saw BIL w/ his black eye would you have just casually said to DH along the lines of "I wonder what happened to cause that?" If so then you would have been putting DH in a position to have to choose to either lie to you and say "I don't know" or "Well I know but I can't tell you" or just plain out ignore that you have concerns about what happened or he could end up telling you and break the promise of secrecy that he gave his word on.

Personally I would see it as him being honest by telling me about the secret without giving details rather than hiding the whole thing from me in the first place. I KNOW I would see my own DH withholding ALL information as being dishonest and trying to hide something from me and would much prefer having been given some clue that something happened but couldn't give the details.

#13 JustaGrandma

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Posted 04 January 2013 - 01:00 PM

I think it was pretty unfair of fil to put your dh in that postition. If I don't want dil to know something I don't tell ds. I expect my kids and thier spouses are in a partnership, just as I am with my dh and I can't think of a time in my life where either one of us was told not to tell spouse anything except for maybe Christmas presents.
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#14 Eowyn

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Posted 04 January 2013 - 01:10 PM

I think no one should ever EVER have the expectation that someone keeps a secret from their spouse--it puts the person in a completely unacceptable position. I think if you don't trust whoever you're telling to tell their spouse appropriately, don't tell them!

Whiteroses, given your IL's behavior in the past I'm not surprised, but since your husband actually followed their instructions I would like to echo what pp's have said about counseling.
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#15 Elaine1954

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Posted 04 January 2013 - 01:42 PM

I always assume anything said to my DSs will be repeated to their wives. I made that mistake when YDS was engaged, thinking I could say something and not have it repeated. To this day I regret it.

I think there were things that my ILS asked DH not to repeat concerning my FILS business. That didn't bother me as it really was no concern of mine. I knew anything I said to MIL or SIL would get repeated to one another so I never shared info I didn't want the other to know.
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#16 JustaGrandma

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Posted 04 January 2013 - 01:51 PM

Every time I open my mouth to any one I assume it may get shared with someone, not just in the family but amoung friends also. So I am careful what I share and with whom.
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#17 SarahMB

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Posted 04 January 2013 - 02:19 PM

I would be really upset to have heard news like this from my DH. You and DH are a team, first and foremost, and any kind of violence happening in the extended family needs to be known by both of you to decide how to react and protect your child (and possibly help the attacked person). That sounds like a huge red flag, especially in light of the rest of your story.

#18 MBear

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Posted 04 January 2013 - 02:35 PM

We tell each other all the important things. There has been one or two times in my life where a friend has asked me not to tell my DH until a certain time or to wait until the friend had a chance to tell DH. If anyone ever asks that I not say anything to my DH, then I just request they don't tell me. I think that has only happened once or twice.

#19 footballmom

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Posted 04 January 2013 - 02:37 PM

I would never say anything to my kids that I felt strongly that DILs did not know, just as they know not to say anything to me they do not want FBD to know. That was a rule in our house, never ask me to NOT tell your Dad something, I explained to them, more than once in their teenage years, that their Dad and I were a team and that I would not play that game.

I will say that I have learned, over the years, that if you want a spouse to be open and honest, you must watch your reaction to what they tell you. When I was having MIL problems and FBD would come home from visiting her, I would question him about what she said, what she did, ad nauseum and when he gave me the answers I was looking for, I would criticize or pull a "see that is what drives me crazy about her". Well, the truth was, it did not drive him crazy and what WAS driving him crazy was me being critical and pulling apart every thing she said to try and tell him what "she really means". When I realized that he was a big boy and had a right to think what ever he wanted about what she said and did not need my "take" on things.

#20 newmommietobe

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Posted 04 January 2013 - 02:47 PM

That was a rule in our house, never ask me to NOT tell your Dad something, I explained to them, more than once in their teenage years, that their Dad and I were a team and that I would not play that game.


My parents had that rule too.