do you and your dh tell each other everything?
Posted 03 January 2013 - 10:35 PM
Posted 03 January 2013 - 11:03 PM
I think it's completely inappropriate to ask a person to keep a secret from their spouse... Even if its your adult child. I don't share anything with a married/engaged/dating friend or relative unless I'm ok with their spouse knowing.
Posted 03 January 2013 - 11:18 PM
Do I tell him the important things? Yes
Does he share most things with me...he would say yes, but so many times he simply thinks he has shared and he really hasn't.
But, I would never not share something that would affect our relationship when the absence of imformation came out.
When FIL was diagonised with cancer...MIL told hubby he was not allowed to tell me and he didn't...because apparently she assured him only 'family' needed to know.
Posted 03 January 2013 - 11:31 PM
*This* example--he had better tell me about something like that. Let me get this straight, your DH wants you to take your small child around a violent drunk and wants you to have no clue about that person's propensity for destructive violence? Uh no. I suggest couples therapy. Your Duh lacks a protective instinct toward his wife and innocent baby. He is more worried about protecting his family name and saving face for his mother than protecting you from a violent drunk.
What happens when drunk BIL shows up after a bender and throws a chair hitting your child?
No way would I be around someone like that and if my husband hid something like that from me, I would consider *all* of my options. If your Duh thinks his family secrets are more important than your child's safety, you have a real problem there.
Posted 03 January 2013 - 11:36 PM
Posted 03 January 2013 - 11:38 PM
Your DH is still putting his FOO's wishes and expectations before the two of you as a couple.
Posted 04 January 2013 - 02:47 AM
If it's just the idea that he's keeping a secret from you, look at it this way...it's not a secret in the sense that you know that something happened, he did tell you that much afterall, you just don't know the details of that something. It's not a matter of him keeping something from you, it's a matter of him giving his word that he would not repeat what was told to him by another person. If DH repeated after giving that person his word I would be more concerned then that DH couldn't be trusted not the other way around. So to me it sounds like this isn't a matter of "what else is he not telling me" and "what is it that he's hiding" so much as it is that you just want to know the details of what happened and DH is holding to his word because it really is NOYB what goes on behind closed doors w/ your ILs.
You seen the black eye, you know something happened, if you don't trust having your child around that part of family, then don't have your child around them. You know that BIL drinks, so if that had bothered you before now, then you wouldn't have allowed BIL within an inch of your child even in yours and DH's presence.
If his mom and dad decide that their "business" is really personal, then it's not for you to decide what you should know about them and what you shouldn't know just because DH happened to be privy to that info...turn the tables and ask yourself how you would feel if for instance you and MIL had a close relationship or even your mom and you confided something in her that you didn't really want other people to know, even FIL or your dad. Would you want her to be allowed to tell him, just because he is her husband and he feels that he should know everything that the two of you talk about?
Posted 04 January 2013 - 03:04 AM
He doesn't want to know about certain friends of mine. He isn't a fan anyhow, so he doesn't care to know any of their news.
he shares everything he can think of in guy world. Meaning, he'll tell me basics but because he is him, details aren't all that important. So if I specifically ask things from the vague piece of info he has given me, then he will tell me if he remembers. I can see where this bothers you, White. I think Wees has a good point but at the same time I still think I'd feel uncomfortable. Because in a sense, when you are calling it "private family business" and then saying you shouldn't know about it, it is like saying you aren't family. And at the very least you are DH's main family. But then, my parents always told each other everything. (Which is SUPER embarrassing when you are a teenaged girl, btw, there are certain things you don't want your dad to know about.) But I don't think I ever expected mom NOT to tell him stuff. IDK. Perhaps I'm just silly.
Regardless, I'm going to echo everyone from this post and the last. Counseling is a must.
Posted 04 January 2013 - 10:35 AM
@Weesheart75-I just find it really odd that my dh won't tell me,I think it would just have been better if he didn't mention anything in the first place.For him to say"Yeah he is doing well all things considered."Like if I tell him "I have a secret I can't tell you"its going to make my dh uncomfortable.
Posted 04 January 2013 - 12:13 PM
Posted 04 January 2013 - 12:31 PM
Personally I would see it as him being honest by telling me about the secret without giving details rather than hiding the whole thing from me in the first place. I KNOW I would see my own DH withholding ALL information as being dishonest and trying to hide something from me and would much prefer having been given some clue that something happened but couldn't give the details.
Posted 04 January 2013 - 01:00 PM
Posted 04 January 2013 - 01:10 PM
Whiteroses, given your IL's behavior in the past I'm not surprised, but since your husband actually followed their instructions I would like to echo what pp's have said about counseling.
Posted 04 January 2013 - 01:42 PM
I think there were things that my ILS asked DH not to repeat concerning my FILS business. That didn't bother me as it really was no concern of mine. I knew anything I said to MIL or SIL would get repeated to one another so I never shared info I didn't want the other to know.
Posted 04 January 2013 - 01:51 PM
Posted 04 January 2013 - 02:19 PM
Posted 04 January 2013 - 02:35 PM
Posted 04 January 2013 - 02:37 PM
I will say that I have learned, over the years, that if you want a spouse to be open and honest, you must watch your reaction to what they tell you. When I was having MIL problems and FBD would come home from visiting her, I would question him about what she said, what she did, ad nauseum and when he gave me the answers I was looking for, I would criticize or pull a "see that is what drives me crazy about her". Well, the truth was, it did not drive him crazy and what WAS driving him crazy was me being critical and pulling apart every thing she said to try and tell him what "she really means". When I realized that he was a big boy and had a right to think what ever he wanted about what she said and did not need my "take" on things.
Posted 04 January 2013 - 02:47 PM
That was a rule in our house, never ask me to NOT tell your Dad something, I explained to them, more than once in their teenage years, that their Dad and I were a team and that I would not play that game.
My parents had that rule too.