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Notes from a Nanny Granny

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Involvement... Interference... Involvement... Interference...Involvement... Interference...

RoseRed135

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"Why don;t you want to be involved?" my friend asked, somewhat bewildered.

This struck me very funny, actually, b/c it was about my DGC. As many of you know, I'm very involved with them, watching them, for a few hours, several times a week! :)

But this was about something my friend thought YDD should be doing with them (I'm not going to say what for reasons of privacy). And to me, trying to weigh in there would be "interfering," not merely, "being involved."

We've had this conversation b4 and my friend says my attitude doesn't make sense to her. "Up till recently," she reminds me, "you were doing a lot of childcare. And it's clear you've had an influence on DGD and DGS" (nice to hear, I admit, though, as my friend she may be biased:)). "Why do you stop short of being involved in the decisions?"

"That's why I stop short at the decisions," I've told her, more than once (well one of the reasons, anyway) "b/c I have been very involved and still am, to a great degree. I don't want to go too far and cross any lines that I shouldn't."

Then she stares at me or shakes her head, not really understanding. And I change the subject, not wanting to get into it, any further.

Funny thing is, I don't even necessarily agree with my friend's opinion on childrearing, much of the time. Often, my thinking it much more in line with YDD's. But regardless, I wouldn't try to change YDD's mind. And if I tried, I know exactly what YDD would say, "They're my kids! Stop interfering!" It wouldn't accomplish anything, except to cause tension where there didn't 'have to" be any.

For that reason, among others, I have no intention of trying to have a voice in the choices YDD makes, even on those occasions where I disagree with her. But I realize that my friend sees the scenario differently than I do. And looking back, perhaps so did my mom and MIL. Perhaps they didn't see themselves as "interfering" when they tried to weigh in... maybe they thought they were just being loving and "involved" GPs...

Then again, MIL did admit to me once that she did, indeed, try to "interfere' (her word) in DH's and my marriage and childlearing. B/c, as I've said previously, in the forums, "I know him (meaning DH) longer than you do! Why shouldn't I have a say?!"... Sigh...

But what I'm thinking now is that there are clearly different POVs on this... Like anything else, one person's "interference" is another's "involvement" and vice versa. And, I suppose, to still another person, it's "interference" but it's "ok."...


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15 Comments


lizasnan

Posted

kinda like a doc sending a letter re your elderly father that already has his grandson staying with him helping him saying he's incompetent?

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RoseRed135

Posted

@ LN - ;)

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KaIana

Posted

I agree that one person's "interference" can be another person's helpfulness.

 

Sometimes people are slammed for interfering and other times they're slammed for not being more helpful, when the situations, other than interactions, were exactly the same.  It makes my eyes spin!

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RoseRed135

Posted

@ Kalana - I know what you mean. And the worst, I think, is when you (general) have someone in your life who tends to react both ways and you can't win in either direction!

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Oatmeal

Posted

Your attitude on this seems wise to me.

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RoseRed135

Posted

Thanks Oatmeal! Unfortunately, my friend does not agree (I try to stay off this topic with her). And, apparently, neither did my MIL! (Well, ok, my DM really didn't either.) :)

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HopefulbutFrustrated

Posted

Does your friend have GC?  I find people always need others to share their opinions to validate their own wants/desires.  It probably scares people that you are so "chill" - they have to feel needed, they have to have their parenting opinions validated.  You scare the people that need that validation.... why are you ok, why are you not more involved.... you must be the one with "flawed thinking" it can't be them, oh no, YOU just don't care.  

 

Rose you can be my MIL anyday

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RoseRed135

Posted

Thanks HbF! I'm sure you'd be a cool DIL, as well!

 

And yes, my friend has GC though she's not their caregiver. In fact, she doesn't see them as often as she would like... sigh... maybe there's a reason I dont' know about!

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HopefulbutFrustrated

Posted

LOL, I think you know the reason ;p  She should start watching you instead of preaching.... more effective indeed!

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RoseRed135

Posted

LOL! Thanks again (she says blushing) ! I'm flattered! And yes, I suppose I do know the reason.. sigh...

 

About her wanting her "opinions validated." That very well could be. But I'm also thinking that she just might still believe she's right, no matter what. DH has a friend like that (I think i've mentioned him in the Forums a couple of times). A nice guy, overall, but he believes that if your AC don't pass down the values they were brought up with to their kids, then it's a 'moral imperative" (his words) for you (general GP) to step in and do it, yourself. And so he tried to do this wherever he saw that his DD and SIL were doing things differently than he and his DW did (not that many differences and no issues of abuse or neglect). When his DD family moved to another state, he admitted to DH that he was sure it was b/c of his interference - or, to put it in his words, "They're running away from me!" (Then again, maybe that's ego, on his part. Allegedly, DD got a better job in the new location.)  But he still doesn't seem to think he was at all mistaken to interfere. Instead he says that they were "ungrateful" for his efforts, etc. Of course, IDK if he really sees it that way or if he's just trying to justify his behavior, as you suggest about my own friend, above.

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My grandchildren were just removed from the mother's care, the father is currently in jail.  Due to the situation of the incident the children were placed with the maternal grandparents on an emergency placement (Convient since they run a day care and the children have been going there off and on).  I have asked to visit or talk to the children ages 5 and younger but only receive rude responces or hang ups.  Though this past year I was the primary sitter.  Anyone have child friendly advice.   ps in Wisconsin where grandparents do not have any rights

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RoseRed135

Posted (edited)

 

14 hours ago, GImma said:

My grandchildren were just removed from the mother's care, the father is currently in jail.  Due to the situation of the incident the children were placed with the maternal grandparents on an emergency placement (Convient since they run a day care and the children have been going there off and on).  I have asked to visit or talk to the children ages 5 and younger but only receive rude responces or hang ups.  Though this past year I was the primary sitter.  Anyone have child friendly advice.   ps in Wisconsin where grandparents do not have any rights

Hi again, Glmma! I spoke to you a while ago in the forums. But I want to add that it seems very unfair - and cruel - that you haven't been allowed to see your GC, even though "this past year (you were) the primary sitter" and that you get " rude responces or hang ups" when you call.

I'm wondering what the "situation of the incident" was (if you feel comfortable saying). What I mean is, were the kids perhaps living w/ the MGPs at the time? And if so, is that why they were placed w/ them? Or was it just b/c this way it makes it easier for them to go to the day care facility?

As for GPR (grandparents' rights), if it's any comfort, to my knowledge, no state gives us GPs "automatic rights" to see our GC. But many states do give us the right to file for visitation in court. You have probably already looked into your state laws regarding GVR (grandparent visitation rights). But just in case you haven't, GP.com provides a brief summary of each state's position on this matter (I'm not sure how recently this info was updated though): http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/grandparents-rights/grandparent-rights-united-states.

Edited by RoseRed135

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GImma

Posted

The incident : children woke up sunday morning and couldn't find mommy.  They know to never unlock the door.  Upstairs neighbors could hear they crying for mom.  Oldest is 5 youngest is 2.5.  Upstairs neighbors called police, police came and had to convince oldest to open door police found that the kids were ALONE.  Found open alcohol and drug paraphernalia.  Police called maternal grandmother and she took them to her house.  (MG has a daycare in home) At that time no one was talking to the other (I tried) my son called from jail (they let him use the booking phone,which was very nice of them).  He asked if i knew what was going on and I had no clue.  Officer came to our home at our request to explaine what they observed.    Children were at home alone and didn't know where mom was she was there when they went to sleep.  Grandma C came and got the children about 7:30 Mom showed up about 9:30 drunk and high.   Since then my son in jail has initiated a conversation and now MIL are talking to each other and infact I get to see my GC tomorrow!  But I have no idea how the mother is doing and if she is geting help.  Mother has removed the 5 year restraining order against my son (kids were not part of restraining order) and is now taking calls from him in jail and writing letters.  What scares me is now my son (father) wants to forgive all and get back as a family!!!!  I have spoken to CPS and until mother completes AODA the children will not be alowed back into the home.  My son had plans for himself once he got out of jail.  They were positive and he was filing for divorce and working on his sobriety and getting stronger himself to be the best father he could be.  Even if it ment leaving town tonget a job with pay and benifits.  (We live in a small town where jobs are few and pay is low with no benifits)  Now all of his plans have changed and I see him returing to the same place he was at the day he went into jail.  He is 31 she is 26 I just hope the kids end up ok.   I can't talk about this anymore it is too stressful and my health is not to good right now so thanks for your help and I will continue to work with our UW extention and their Grandparenting program.........

 

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RoseRed135

Posted

Thanks for taking time to explain further, Glmma. I'm glad if it helped a little bit. And I'm glad that relations have improved and you will soon see your GC. Wonderful!

OTOH, I understand your concern about DS possibly going back to the mom. It's not unusual, however, as far as I've seen, for young couples to go back and forth this way. Besides, if she had a RO against him, chances are he wasn't innocent in their problems, so maybe he feels it wasn't all her fault. Then again, hey, his new plans may change if they try to get back together and he sees it isn't working out.

Most important, the GC won't be going back to mom until she completes her program. TG for that!

Regardless, I totally understand your not wanting to talk about this further.. I wish the best to you and yours - you and those kids will be in my prayers (if ok), if I haven't said so before. Hope you come back and talk to us again whenever you feel ready... Peace...

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RoseRed135

Posted

Actually, since this is a very old blog entry, I'm going to lock it down now.

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