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GrandNonna's Blog

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The past 8 months

GrandNonna

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So times sure flys when we keep busy at least it is that way for me and I have sure kept myself busy intentionally to pass the months and make the days end sooner to rest and to get back up daily and be busy again. It fills the gap of time and eases the pain of being alienated so here is how I have handled and managed. As some may know I was attending court on a monthly basis to have visitation ordered. Well... tonight I am offering up some sound advise from experience so if there are any questions let me know in the forum perhaps I can help those in my shoes to help save wasted time and money .

My award from a car accident came by late December and of course it was spend for the cause with lots of hope faith and charity , as I completely indulged and remained calm , cool , collected , respectful , loving, nurturing, and basically hid my pain . Not one month went by where either my DD showed up in family court without an attitude and when she didn't show up, we all missed the suspense of what we would deal with if and when she walked through the chamber doors. The judge was told off and basically told how annoying he is to her and to stop backing her into a corner. And the judge told DD that SHE was backing everyone else into a corner, and that HE will decide when GN can visit not her and that HE makes the rules as to when GN will have time with her grandchildren.He appointed a GAL but that didn't work because no appointments were able to be set as DD decided to leave with her baby girl and live on a farm in other states and come back when she felt like it. GAL was baffled no appointments were kept .

Her boy was stuck with his father who is not in recovery for his mental illness so of course unloads on the child and me too when I brought my GS his favorite homemade dish . It was a short visit in June and I was rushed off the property by the father claiming he's got alot to get off his chest ,I welcomed an ADULT conversation away from the GS and tried hard to make him stop yelling at me in front of him but he wouldn't stop , my GS became tearful and began to cry to his father who refused to answer him when he said can "she" meaning me , watch me when you go bowling ? He demanded an answer . Yeah yeah! His father said. I could not bear to see my GS hold the sides of his head wishing his father would stop yelling. And you can't do anything unless you have witness. But I am still waiting for him to go to the bowling alley. It is painful when I have to look on FB to see my grand kids with the other GP's . I have pleaded with the other Grandmother who says she wont get involved .Her son is out of control. He took the child to Paris just up and left for 6 weeks in April.

I still have this dumbfounded blank in my brain wondering why good is treated bad and why hate is filled with love. I could never feel content with myself if I knew any of the other grandparents were left out in the cold for a grandchild . I guess that was also why I got in touch after locating the X's number.

I'm not going to court anymore as of this week since no one really has a clue what to do , and even though DD is in contempt , I could never have her brought in . Nope sorry that isn't how we treat our kids. I found my DD's fathers phone number which had not been used in 10 yrs so I figured I'd call and see if he can call her and reunite himself, and tell her to come home to live with me . I told him he is a grandfather , and he said WHOA! I got an email to send him some pictures and the nosey GN that I am , looked his town up where he said he moved . Nice big home on a golf course with a 500 SF garage . Wow if only I didn't have a meltdown when he left us but is it worth the abuse he shelled out ? Nope. He said he was happy and I somehow thought to myself the word pathetic narscissist .

He is into himself , his money , material items and no one else . 9 yrs ago the last time he saw our daughter , he told her that his wife is not sexy but she is organized. I briefly strolled back down memory lane and recall this guy never once said he was sorry and how can he make up for anything he has done in the past . Like hitting , arguing with the Dr before our child was born to tie my tubes since you're going to have her opened up anyway he said. And vowed to marry me if I did the procedure . If they had only not givin me that relaxing shot before rolling me to surgery I would have more kids today but ... I just have the one .Then he left us 90 days later. Anyway , I had hopes to help my DD heal since she never had a Dad and he admitted he was never there for her while building his empire with the Mrs. They ( DD and her father are both alike) and it amazes me how genetics work because DD is the exact as her Dad from heart to brain. So may they enjoy the reunion and may she see herself in him and if she don't like what she sees maybe she will change herself after a close up look at herself in her dad.How he will treat her and how she is going to not like some of his antics . It will surface from him to her . I'll be here if she gets hurt. I love her .

So the story goes, there is no real law that makes any grandparent visitation rights happen at all. The lawyer who I hired wrote the law but never showed up in court not once after telling me he would fight for me . He charges associate rates for his non associate new lawyers .I now have to pay the bill down and stop going back to try. My latest pass times have been spent in the kitchen preparing hearty meals to freeze for the winter. Rich chili, airtight fresh peeled peaches for some awesome winter cobblers home cooked spaghetti sauce , meat sauce, chicken and dumplings and beef stew with all organic fresh veggies because who knows maybe by one snowy winter day my grandkids will be here to enjoy these fine meals .

My tomatoe plant got knocked down during one of the storms that put the electric out but I revived them and they are starting to blossom again. The mint tree is tall the basil is picked every other day and frozen and my gladiolus are so slow to bloom but I did get some gorgeous flowers out of it . Will share with you . So if anyone has questions on GP visitation please save yourself the money and go in pro se because once you involve yourself your going to wish you had taken a vacation someplace else .Get a fee waver . I myself cant travel without family but that's just me . If ya ask me, the lawyer who wrote the visitation law was thinking about the emotional side effect on people and how much money he can make off of that . Sad isn't it? I will heal . But while I heal I am losing precious time with my grand babies.




18 Comments


RoseRed135

Posted

Hi again, GN! And thanks for the update and experienced POV. I'm sorry that you still have so little contact with GS and, apparently, none with GD. I'm also sorry that DD seems to have abandoned GS. But he's with his dad and perhaps it was too hard for her to relocate with both kids. I imagine she left the state b/c she was afraid the judge was going to force her to do something that, unfortunately, she does not wish to do. And, sad to say, that's to allow visits between you and the GC, especially GD, for whatever her reasons are.

 

Also, I'm sorry that the dad is not more careful about yelling in front of GS, etc. If it's any comfort, though, chances are, most of the time, they are happy. And, at least, it seems you do get to see GS through his dad. IDK if he's going to have you come and babysit when he goes bowling though. He may have said that, in the moment, to help GS feel better. But most likely, he turns to his own FOO for babysitting. After all, isn't he the guy who said he would support you in court and then changed his mind? IMO, you need to accept whatever you get from him and not look for more or count on his word.

 

Not sure how you know the state of his mental illness, unless you're just going by his mom's opinion ("he's out of control") and your own interpretation of his behavior. But again, if it's any comfort, I doubt the courts would let him have the child if there were anything to worry about.

 

About his mom - sorry she couldn't/wouldn't be more helpful to you than she was. Can't blame her for not wanting to "get involved," though. Her son is an adult and she can't tell him what to do, illness or not. Not to mention that she probably fears that trying to do so would get her CO from him and GS. It's lovely of you to care about other GPs and I get your feeling that she should care about you, too. But surely, you can understand her wanting to protect her own interests? It may hurt to hear this and I'm sorry if it does - but why would she do something that would, very likely, serve to do nothing, except land her in the same boat as you?

 

Also, not sure how you know there's going to be a reunion between your X and DD. I know you suggested it and that he seemed excited about being a GF. But did he say he was going to get in touch with her? And do you know if he actually did and if she agreed? IDK if this matters to you, but if it does, please don't be disappointed if it doesn't happen.

 

Speaking of disappointment, I don't blame you for feeling you were let down by your attorney. Your previous blog entries and posts suggest that he did put in some effort, filing this/that motion and trying to establish a pattern of visitation. Still, I'm sorry he didn't  show up in court but sent "non associate new lawyers" in his place. While  this is not unheard-of, I know it can be very frustrating.

 

Anyhow, glad to see you are filling the void as much as you can by keeping busy! Thanks for sharing your flowers with us! They are beautiful!

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RoseRed135

Posted

Thinking about this some more... you seem to be very angry or upset with a lot of people - DD, GS' dad, GS' PGM (the dad's mom), your attorney, your X, etc. And I can see the reasons (though I think it's less understandable where PGM is concerned). Worst of all , IMO, your X was abusive in the most insidious and  cruelest of ways - dominating your reproductive choices and what actually went on inside your body (your tubes being tied). Have you ever sought counseling to help you deal with all this pain, old or new? If not, please consider it... you may find it helps to heal the wounds.

 

@ All - Just to clarify for those who are not familiar with GVR (grandparents' visitation "rights")  - When GN says that her lawyer "wrote the law," she is talking about the GP visitation law for her state. There is no one law/body of laws that applies all over.

 

And she's correct, to my (limited) knowledge - there is no real law that makes any grandparent visitation rights happen at all. All any law does is say who is eligible to file for such rights and who has a chance of getting them, if anyone, in that state. Differences from case to case may also impact how the law is applied. And there are no guarantees.

 

I'm not saying that there are never any good reasons to try for GVR. Nor am I saying that no GPs have ever won their cases b/c, from time to time, we hear from/about someone who did. I'm just saying, along with GN, that it can be a long and expensive battle, with little or no results.

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lizasnan

Posted

GN, without going back through forums to get the whole story, I'm so sorry for you not getting to see your grandchildren but, yes, glad to see you keeping busy, although I get that even that is with the idea that you'll get to share it with those grandchildren and who knows, maybe you will; maybe even with all the court stuff settling down, even more so; maybe that's what the parents were waiting for. And the flower is gorgeous! But...I do have some questions if you don't mind

I don't remember anything about your car accident but I have an oldest son - I think I've talked about him some on here - that has a girlfriend that was involved in a car accident - this month will be 2 yrs. ago - who I found out by calling her award was signed off by the judge in February, the month after my father passed away after me being up there that month and having just come home leaving them in his house where they were taking care of him (another part of that whole other issue, Rose) while waiting on their award that they were wanting to use to get them their own place but were saying might not even actually get or at least not be able to use it at least not for that because might end up having to go on her medical bills, so just somewhat wondering how you managed to avoid that.

As far as the use of the word "sue", if I understand right, part at least of that with her situation, comes from her hospital suing her for payment of her medical bills, which I do understand does involve money. And speaking of lawyers as well, from what I understand hers is also trying to negotiate with the hospital regarding all of that.

But also along the lines of your grandson, the same thing is happening with my granddaughter, as son goes to work, she's often left with this girlfriend; oh, you didn't really talk about that here, guess with everything that's happened you've somewhat left that behind; I went and read your other posts to kinda get a feel for your situation - but she has some pretty bad stuff she posts on FB as well but at this point I leave that with her mom, who will seemingly randomly call me and tell me this stuff; not quite sure why but do know there were issues with his job with her and I try not to get involved in that type of thing with her, maybe like in your situation because of my role as PGM; even though she'll say I can see gd through her and get her, etc.; I've never seen any of it pan out; she's in a new relationship as well and I've told her when she tells me to come see her that I don't even know where she lives and she'll give me a general idea but not an exact address so my basic contact with her has been through my son but at that point I wasn't even having any contact with him, like you with your daughter, somewhat over all these issues, so therefore no contact with granddaughter either so because of that didn't even do anything for her for her birthday this year. But she was saying she was quite upset about things that went on between son's gf and gd when she was left with her and she said she was going to quit letting her go because of it but gf has posted a pix of her with her dad (my son); we just not sure when it was taken, so....she has said in the past she's just waiting until she's old enough to have some input legally so again....just matter of waiting, so maybe that might be an option for you as well as, especially, your grandson gets older. Until then, just try to keep on enjoying life - not sure if there's a place for this but would love to talk more about your herbs and flowers, etc. 

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GrandNonna

Posted

Hi Rose,

 

Sorry it has taken me a little longer to come back here. To answer some of your questions I'll begin with the mental health. I worked in both neuro psych and county psych at the young age of 19 -26 and have also worked crisis intervention /suicide prevention and as a police escort to state facilities when diagnosis was deferred . Not looking for it, but awakened when DD shared with me these issues that the father has , and was confirmed by the mother of , I was informed that there is "therapy" that he may or may not go to , but that Rx meds are refused. My visits have never been positive with this individual infact it is disturbing to be around him because of his constant rants and yelling.  He has taken the authority of a parent and of most anything he is in control of to unreasonable heights in which have abusive scars on most all he is in control of. I have yet to see anyone , both direct family or my own DD pick them self up and walk away from this erratic behavior . My heart goes out to my GS because he will be no different from others.Rose what does FOO mean? Sorry .

 

About his mom. Seems to enjoy times her son is not kind to others has been ongoing for a long time. Very anti social and to put it simple son is a clone of the mom . As for the father, he suffers the same illness as his son.Very very sad too , his second wife wants to have children and he warns her to not. She is younger and beautiful and very much in love but not allowed to conceive which is love.

 

The DD and X reunion. For the longest time my DD seemed as if she thought he left because of me but now that she is older she has learned that it was his choice. Yes he took life from me but he and I also have a precious gift. Our DD and there is a reason for the putting the two in touch with each other. For one my daughter should never ever think I pushed him away he was the Don Juan of our town back in the day girls flocked around him with no regard for our courtship or my pregnancy and he took kindly to that kind of attention . His wife, is a jealous woman who had no father in her life, heaven forbid her husband develop a father daughter relationship she will rant till the worlds end. Sad but true , someday DD needs to grip this and address this as she deem fit. What her father did to me, yes it is bad but he is providing for his 2 kids and he is a grandfather , I had hoped this might change him but my answer was givin via DD commenting he isn't a very friendly person and it is his loss to not extend any future friendship with her. This is the feeling she is getting and though it is not positive, it is knowledge to help her with her confused feelings.

 

Angry and upset:

 

Rose , I am not angry , if I came across this way I apologize. Hurt yes. Angry no. It hurts when and especially the X dominated me as he did  Yes I have gone to counseling by choice I was never self destructive but sorry I loved someone that much to listen to him but always wished the shot was not

administered before the c-section took place because I know I would have said no and listened to my Dr.

I cannot undo this but I can love my grandchildren and daughter because a part of my X and my genetics are carried on and it is a beautiful way to see a part of each of us in these precious children .

 

As far as GPV the "associate" emailed me on Friday and asked me if I want her to close the case. I told her to withdraw . If I need help for a serious reason I can file in pro se but I am hoping that my relationship heals and that I can reach my DD with compromise. I asked her if I can take GS to a play and again her and GSF are uncomfortable with GS going into the city . But... it was ok to put the child on a plane to Paris for 9 hours and to lie to him about GP baby sitting ( at GN home) . Again the mental illness is difficult to reason with but I will continue to try to reach him , I have attended NAMI meetings which are productive in how to approach one with untreated mental illness therefore, I pray this Christmas I can share the festive times with grandchildren. Oh. GSF said " we don't celebrate" that. GS has been here to visit with DD and little 2 yr old. In the kitchen he asked... Nonna when I came to live with you it was not safe where I was right? Right . But it is safe now so that is why I went back home right? Right . He may have been told this while my DD was with BF # 2 as for the reason she packed up and moved in with him but now that she has moved away from # 2 disaster I wonder which home he was talking about.

 

GN        

Thinking about this some more... you seem to be very angry or upset with a lot of people - DD, GS' dad, GS' PGM (the dad's mom), your attorney, your X, etc. And I can see the reasons (though I think it's less understandable where PGM is concerned). Worst of all , IMO, your X was abusive in the most insidious and  cruelest of ways - dominating your reproductive choices and what actually went on inside your body (your tubes being tied). Have you ever sought counseling to help you deal with all this pain, old or new? If not, please consider it... you may find it helps to heal the wounds.

 

@ All - Just to clarify for those who are not familiar with GVR (grandparents' visitation "rights")  - When GN says that her lawyer "wrote the law," she is talking about the GP visitation law for her state. There is no one law/body of laws that applies all over.

 

And she's correct, to my (limited) knowledge - there is no real law that makes any grandparent visitation rights happen at all. All any law does is say who is eligible to file for such rights and who has a chance of getting them, if anyone, in that state. Differences from case to case may also impact how the law is applied. And there are no guarantees.

 

I'm not saying that there are never any good reasons to try for GVR. Nor am I saying that no GPs have ever won their cases b/c, from time to time, we hear from/about someone who did. I'm just saying, along with GN, that it can be a long and expensive battle, with little or no results.

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GrandNonna

Posted

Hi Liza,

 

I am all about compromise but I won't wait a year again. I kept my side of the promise upon request and DD has said can we try out of court ?  Her S.O. said the same so I am meeting them halfway . Did I see DD and kids yet? Yes. Friday from 1PM to 10 PM I was thrilled and while GSF came to pick up refused to come to the door. I consider the source of what I am dealing with. He made a promise to my GS but lied and went bowling anyway . I told my lawyer to dismiss herself as she wrote on Friday as well but I if I have to can go pro se I now have a bad digestive system when it comes to lawyers.

 

With the car accident, 2 yrs is the limit you have to settle by then if she has reached MMI . The hospitals only need to be notified that A: insurance co is paying , B that bills are sent to lawyer. Always make sure ins info is in the hands of the billing dept. There is no other way . As far as courts the lawyers should be capable of settling out of , if not it winds up in court. Lawyers pay all the bills , themselves and then the injured. Not a big settlement unless surgeries are involved . 

 

I tried to upload a picture of my greek oregano basil  and mint but cannot find the browse button to

pull it off my memory card. Anyone know how? Seems like I have to start a fresh blog to do so . Will try .

 

GN 

GN, without going back through forums to get the whole story, I'm so sorry for you not getting to see your grandchildren but, yes, glad to see you keeping busy, although I get that even that is with the idea that you'll get to share it with those grandchildren and who knows, maybe you will; maybe even with all the court stuff settling down, even more so; maybe that's what the parents were waiting for. And the flower is gorgeous! But...I do have some questions if you don't mind

I don't remember anything about your car accident but I have an oldest son - I think I've talked about him some on here - that has a girlfriend that was involved in a car accident - this month will be 2 yrs. ago - who I found out by calling her award was signed off by the judge in February, the month after my father passed away after me being up there that month and having just come home leaving them in his house where they were taking care of him (another part of that whole other issue, Rose) while waiting on their award that they were wanting to use to get them their own place but were saying might not even actually get or at least not be able to use it at least not for that because might end up having to go on her medical bills, so just somewhat wondering how you managed to avoid that.

As far as the use of the word "sue", if I understand right, part at least of that with her situation, comes from her hospital suing her for payment of her medical bills, which I do understand does involve money. And speaking of lawyers as well, from what I understand hers is also trying to negotiate with the hospital regarding all of that.

But also along the lines of your grandson, the same thing is happening with my granddaughter, as son goes to work, she's often left with this girlfriend; oh, you didn't really talk about that here, guess with everything that's happened you've somewhat left that behind; I went and read your other posts to kinda get a feel for your situation - but she has some pretty bad stuff she posts on FB as well but at this point I leave that with her mom, who will seemingly randomly call me and tell me this stuff; not quite sure why but do know there were issues with his job with her and I try not to get involved in that type of thing with her, maybe like in your situation because of my role as PGM; even though she'll say I can see gd through her and get her, etc.; I've never seen any of it pan out; she's in a new relationship as well and I've told her when she tells me to come see her that I don't even know where she lives and she'll give me a general idea but not an exact address so my basic contact with her has been through my son but at that point I wasn't even having any contact with him, like you with your daughter, somewhat over all these issues, so therefore no contact with granddaughter either so because of that didn't even do anything for her for her birthday this year. But she was saying she was quite upset about things that went on between son's gf and gd when she was left with her and she said she was going to quit letting her go because of it but gf has posted a pix of her with her dad (my son); we just not sure when it was taken, so....she has said in the past she's just waiting until she's old enough to have some input legally so again....just matter of waiting, so maybe that might be an option for you as well as, especially, your grandson gets older. Until then, just try to keep on enjoying life - not sure if there's a place for this but would love to talk more about your herbs and flowers, etc. 

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GrandNonna

Posted

Also is the woman who told you that you can see your GS the mother? I am confused.

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RoseRed135

Posted

Just catching up with this again. Thanks for answering our questions, GN! I'll have to come back and read more, later, when I have more time to take it all in and collect my thoughts. But just want you to know that I saw this and will be talking to you, here, again, soon.

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RoseRed135

Posted

Back again...

 

My heart aches to hear of GS asking those questions about safety! But I guess it shows he is figuring things out. Wonder what his perceptions will be of his mom, his dad, etc. as he gets older. Hope you will always "be there" as a soft place for him to land, if he needs it, as he gets older and can, eventually, contact/visit you, on his own.

 

Sorry to hear about his dad and hope his problems aren't having a seriously bad effect on GS. Glad you're attending the NAMI meetings, Along with you, I hope they help you to learn how better to cope with GS' dad.

 

I'm also glad that you and DD both seem to be ready to begin healing the rift and settle your differences out of court. Best of luck to you!

 

Sorry her dad is so indifferent. But not surprised, based on the other info you've given us about him. Hate to say it but DD and her kids may be better off w/o such a man (and his jealous wife) in their lives. He doesn't sound like he would be much of a dad or GF.

 

Glad that you're keeping up with us and hope you stay in touch!

 

P.S. FOO means "family or origin." it's a term commonly used on sites like this for either the man's or woman's "side" of the family or both.

 

Edited to correct typo.

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GrandNonna

Posted

Hi Rose,

 

Over the weekend that passed , I know that my grandson is happier here. In the kitchen during an activity making blue and yellow clay stars for a mobile we will create while cutting the stars out with a cutter he said he liked it better at my house. His mother said nothing but she did hear him. I love feeding him and all for that matter. He requested banana bread next time. With the DD I opened conversations about possible family counseling. My answer is no. This was on Friday. Saturday her sons father was supposed to pick her up and take her to a yoga workshop but ... LOL! Yes I am laughing . His tenants apartment below him was flooded  . The sump pump broke . Yay for me ! Sure I'll take you to yoga honey ;).

 

He did arrive to deliver a car seat and pick my GS up for some birthday party however my DD began to have a yelling screaming fit in the parking lot yelling we have to leave NOW! I don't want to be late! I'm not going now! We did not leave yet I am going to be late! In the car screaming lets go now start the car up! Now ! My GD was in the car seat. I wanted to slap her and I did in her arm to knock off her drama . However I did not yell. I always try to tell them to never yell around a child but they continue anyway . My GS was crying walking to his fathers car I walked with him , his father telling him take deep breaths. I told my daughter on the way up to her yoga workshop she has to control her emotions and stop her yelling .  She apologized but I told her to call the father and son and say she was sorry. Is this possible bi polar ? I truly hope I can find a way to get her to go to talk to someone .

 

After her going into yoga it was finally peaceful. The rain came down hard as I sat in my car with baby asleep in the car seat for close to an hour .Gathering my thoughts I planned out outing when she woke . Subway sandwich and dollar store and it was fun. She was polite, happy , hungry and enjoyed picking out her first toothbrush and pink sunglasses hair ties and bows and I had just as much enjoyment with this peaceful moment.During the trip home about 35 min DD asked if she can hang out at my place when we returned.So we did. She loved the beef /barley stew as a matter of fact gobbled the rest of what was left in the crock. During her breastfeeding the baby wanted the shirt to be pulled down and her manic state of mind returned yelling at the baby no! Pulling her off her nipple and standing her on the carpet which then led to baby crying.Shortly after she picked her back up and continued but I hated to see her act this way to her daughter over something she can clearly explain to the child.

 

 By 10PM it was time to take her back , which upon arrival no one was home and she has no key . GS and father were at his fathers home. Hmm... what happened with the birthday party? GS will tell me this weekend . Both birthdays are around the corner . would love to come up with an idea for a duo party . My brain is paused. Any ideas?         

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RoseRed135

Posted

Wow! So after all that, you are getting to see DD and your GC - both of them! Yes! And DD, obviously, sees GS, even though she left him with his dad. (Perhaps that was part of some kind of agreement between them - he gets the boy and she gets the girl?) You are very lucky - not all parents would engage in such visits after you had fought them in court! I'm so glad you, DD and GS' dad are working things out, even if they don't always go smoothly.

 

Like you, I'm concerned about DD's behavior. She does seem to lose control easily though, granted, we're only being given two examples. I don't have enough knowledge to even suggest BPD. Nor do I want to play "armchair psychologist." But, no doubt, counseling would be good for her, for a number of reasons.

 

Unfortunately, I doubt that you can "find a way" to get her to go for that. Especially when you and she just came away from being locked in a court battle. In fact, it occurs to me that, as much as she seems to enjoy being at your home (and indulging in your good cooking!), she may still be a little on edge around you. And that might also explain why she exploded so easily. Or not. IDK.

 

I'm not sure I understand what happened in the parking lot... I take it DD was yelling at you b/c she didn't think you were leaving fast enough. Am I correct? And she didn't want to be late for her class, which I have to admit, I get. Was she really in danger of being late? Either way, what was holding you up?

 

I'm not sure, either, if she could really "explain" to a baby why she didn't want to pull her shirt down. Then again, if you - her mom - were the only other person there, IDKY she was being so modest (if that's what this was about). But maybe she doesn't want to start a new habit?

 

Not my business, I suppose. But regardless, I take it DD removed GD from her breast as a form of discipline. In fact, it may be an ongoing problem, for all you or I know, and DD feels she has to establish that the shirt is to stay in place. Still,  I can't imagine disciplining a baby while they're eating and would have tried to find another way to deal. But that's just me...

 

No matter what, I certainly don't think she should have yelled at baby. Even though I'm guessing that she's at her wit's end with this problem. Or perhaps she was still a little on edge from the earlier issues. If this happens often, I hope she at least seeks some help with anger management and/or childrearing techniques. But since she lives in another state, you probably don't know if this behavior is frequent or not.

 

With the DD I opened conversations about possible family counseling. My answer is no.

 

I take it you mean that you suggested it and Dd said no. But did you mean counseling for her and her kids (and maybe one or both dads)? Or were you talking about counseling for you and her? B/c of the different states, I can see where any of that might be difficult. Also, maybe she's not ready to work things out with you, in that way, as yet, after the court battle. if so, that's unfortunate, IMO. But it also means that, perhaps, in time, she will be. If she wants to spend time just "hanging out at (your) place" (and it appears she does) but doesn't want conflict, then I hope so.

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RoseRed135

Posted

As far as the birthdays are concerned, I think it's delightful that your so enthusiastic about coming up with ideas. But please understand that many parents see this as their province. It's probably better to step back and let them decide on how to celebrate. Or, at least, to feel DD out, first, and see if any plans are in the works or if she even has any ideas in mind.

 

Do you know if she's interested in a double celebration? Or if the dad is? Even if DD will be visiting again, for GS' bday, she and his dad may have decided to do any larger celebrations separately. Sure, maybe you could put together your own bday party for the kids, as well. But not all parents are cool with their kids having more than one bday party/GPs planning additional celebrations. IMO, you really need to run this idea by DD before you start making any plans.

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GrandNonna

Posted

Hi all ,

 

Rose, no plans so far on any birthday goings on. It was uttered that a party might happen at the GS fathers. But lately he ( the father) is still very much a troubled man. I did my part, I made the effort as posted , tried and I mean REALLY REALLY tried to the point of almost kissing a$$ and taking in all the not so nice junk that he threw my way . And to date , such as last weekend , I made a special effort to pack some home cooked chicken to give to him when he arrived to pick up my grandson . He has been interfearing with the visits suddenly coming up with the ( we make decisions together ) weather GS can or cannot stay over . DD promises then changes everything all around but I don't care because I spend time with GS . Tonight GSF ( grandsons father) drove DD to pick kids up right when they were sitting down to eat. I said no. They are not rushing tell GSF I will drive GS home. And that is exactly what I did . GS made banana bread which was still baking while he had dinner. It was wonderful to not rush or cater to someone else's demand.   Ont thing that happened this morning truly broke my heart. I had purchased a pandora charm bracelet for DD who said she no longer wore jewelry . I took the bracelet back. She walked in wearing a charm bracelet that the grandfather on the other side gave to her. Proudly adoring it boasting about it and how she loves chunky charms. . Bad words are running through my head . I truly cannot stand that guy for his spiteful little antics . Snob is not even the word for this entire family . GS told me that GF calls him a "dog" isn't that a slang street name between bro's? He sent me a flashlight one year as if to say your head is so far up you can't see daylight. If that family only knew how sharp and onto their game that I am. Anyway when I dropped GS off tonight  it was all good. The GS uncle walked past me with the most evil look on his face. So sad to see grown adults possess this type of behavior. But I am  thankful that I recognize mental illness in them and that I can balance myself.

 

My guess is that there may be a party at the grandfathers and another at the GSF home. I plan on going  and mentioned the cake . It was suggested about the cake and saving time and distractions. The little one wants all toys that brother gets so I suggested a double party so she can occupy herself with toys of her own . Whatever is decided if needed I am there. I am just happy to be working something out . Now for the lawyers . They did nothing . I got another bill last week. $2500.00. I plan on arguing that. I got emails when it was in the middle of this battle. Is there anything else we can do for you ? Oh brother. What have you done so far ?  And the line about grandparents visitation law and that being the only law the lawyer practices was a lie. I found him with a new website that was not seen ever before. He defends medical workers who are charged. I wonder if his name should be left here?

 

Have a nice week everyone and if anyone has kept up with Joan Rivers she was a member here. I left a comment on her wall. She was a hard worker . I will miss her .

 

GN    

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RoseRed135

Posted

First off, no, do not leave the lawyer's name here. As much as I understand why you would want to, it would violate the following GP.com guideline (Guideline 5a):

 

  1. "The following types of posts (including text, images, links, or video) should always be edited or deleted:

 

                                    - a. private information (full name, address, phone number, social security #, etc.)"

 

As for Joan Rivers, are you saying she was a member of GP.com? If so, I can't find her. Can you tell me how her username was written? But perhaps I misunderstood...

 

Back to your situation - It sounds as if there is still a lot of tension, hostility and misunderstanding between various people in the scenario, as well as some misplaced blame and anger. I'm so sorry about that. I'm especially sorry that DD flaunted that bracelet in front of you. That was very rude, IMO, esp after she turned down yours (which, of course, was rude on another level). I don't see how that adds up to being a matter of the grandfather's "spiteful little antics," however. As much as I hate to point this out, it was DD who wore it to your home and boasted about it. But again, so sorry. 

 

Perhaps by "spiteful little antics," though, you were just referring to GF's other behaviors. Like calling GS a "dog" and giving you a flashlight. Not sure why he would call GS that though yes, it is a slang name some men call each other. If that's all he means, then I don't see any harm in it. I just hope he makes it clear to GS that it's a friendly term.

 

Not sure either why you think the flashlight was intended as the insult you describe. Isn't it possible the guy just thinks it's a good gift? (My DH loves to give people flashlights as a present and believe me, it's not for any other reason than to help them see in the dark, if need be.) But you know him and I don't, obviously, so maybe not... sigh...

 

Another thing I admit I'm not clear on is why you feel that GS' dad has been "interfering with visits" just b/c he has decided - or he and DD have decided - that they "make decisions together." It's supposed to be a good thing for separated parents to work together where the children are concerned, yes? I realize there's a problem with DD changing her mind a lot but I don't see how that's the dad's fault. I get that it's frustrating, of course. Ack! But I'm glad you're able to get past it and just enjoy the time with GS.

 

I'm sorry that this was almost spoiled/cut short by DD showing up that one night just when the kids were about to eat. Refusing to let them take the kids, though, could have ended up in some serious drama and even to their calling the cops. I'm glad it all worked out ok. But I'm wondering if you people hadn't worked out beforehand when they would be picking the kids up? If not, in the future, IMO, that's what needs to be done. Then you can plan dinner in accordance with that schedule. Or  they can have dinner with the parents after they pick them up (if the parents want to get them early). But maybe you've already tried that and it doesn't seem to work out...

 

Anyhow, I'm glad you have some idea about the party. And I trust you'll be invited. I take it you offered to make/buy the cake (am I reading correctly?). If so, I hope they agreed to take you up on that if it's something you look forward to doing. IDK what a "dup party" is (could that be a typo?). But if it will help keep GD occupied and out of GS' new toys, then I'm all for it and hope the parents are, too. Enjoy!

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RoseRed135

Posted

@ All - about Joan Rivers - Actually, GN made an honest mistake. She is not actually a "member" here and does not have a 'wall" or profile page or anything like that. However, she was interviewed by GP.com, at one point, and the interview is still here in the Newsletter/food & Leisure section of this site. GN posted a "rest in peace" comment in a reply to the article.

 

If you'd like to see the interview for yourselves, and/or make a comment,  here it is: http://www.grandparents.com/food-and-leisure/celebrity/joan-rivers-enters-talking-now-grandson

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GrandNonna

Posted

Thank you Rose ! I had assumed she was on here but had her profile hidden. Thanks for the corrected information . 

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GrandNonna

Posted

I sure did have some typo errors in my reply Rose. I think I better get my vision checked again . Update:
Over the weekend I had both kids stay overnight. Took the little one back after an event at an indoor fun place for kids then had extra time with GS. We went shopping as he had no more pants that fit him so we got that fixed up quickly. Off to lunch then the park where he knew the day was ending soon and didn't want to leave the park . Once home , his tears began telling me he wanted to stay here because it was quiet , no yelling, and no time out and spankings . He really really cried to where I almost did myself. He told me his father yells and has told him that if he gets time out again he won't be seeing his Nonna. !@%#$%^&%$#!!! .

Called DD and told her we would be late because of the upset. She said oh Mom he does that all the time.We want him home NOW you have to tell him he IS GOING home. So I calmed him down and gave him insight to this week , his birthday and us going out to celebrate . I pick him up after 3PM . I could not ignore him and I told him to tell me how he is hit where he is hit and what happens before he gets hit. He says he is told that he is not listening when he gets time out .  He says his parents yell alot and that my home is quiet and that he loves it here. So I told him to show me how he is hit to use his hand on his wrist. It was a tap not a hard slap. My concern for his treatment is not going to be put to rest until I can have him speak to someone. I found a church that has outreach counseling . It was suggested they schedule about 5 meetings with us and hopefully with him to see if he has more to talk about. I know this may seem too soon to do this , but I am not a licensed person to evaluate and I need answers from someone who can help with his emotional setbacks. He speaks about his fathers collection of skulls now possessing a real human one that was purchased from some scientist lab. Creeps me out . Speaks of people smoking around him and told me someone gave him wine but tha the didn't like it . He identifies other people ( fathers friends) as uncles and said that someone from the french family kisses on the lips . Again I am !@%$%^&$#!!!! . I better scoot I have DD asking to come over and has put in her request for lunch . GS is off to his pre school.
I wish my DD would open up and want to have a better life for her and the kids. Oh by the way . GS birthday is celebrated the day after . No I am not invited. I almost forgot to tell you . When I drove over to pick DD and kids up to go to Saturday breakfast, I asked GSF can I bring anything back for you ? Something small he said not anything large. When placing the order to go DD cut me off and ordered eggs bennedict  . Isaid he asked for something small. Yeah but he told me to get that . Rude eh? When I took my GS home he refused to even come out of the house to show any concern or to discuss what had happened.

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RoseRed135

Posted

Ok, I'm glad you seem to be seeing the GC a lot but sorry that you're still concerned about GS. I'm not sure why it's quieter at your home or why GS seems to get TOs (time outs) with his parents and not with you... or is it just that he gets fewer with you? Or just that you don't yell when you do it.

 

If GS is getting TOs, at home, that says to me that he isn't behaving/following their rules. Is it possible that you have different/fewer/less strict rules than they have? What do you think?

 

IMO, they shouldn't yell when they discipline him and I'm not crazy about the hitting, even if it's just a light tap. But, in the main, it's clear to me that they're having discipline issues with him. Not unusual, IMO, though I understand your concern, given his complaints to you.

 

As for the other matters, I think it's hard to gauge what's going on. Like yourself, I don't like the idea of "people smoking around him" or offering him wine. But we don't know if these are common occurrences or isolated incidents. I'm not crazy about some family friend kissing GS "on the lips" (if that's what he meant), either, and I'd discreetly make sure DD was aware of it.

 

But it could just be that person's way. I've known people who kiss everyone on the lips. Still, I wouldn't allow it with my child but that's not my call her - or yours - it's DD

s and GSF's. If you have any reason to suspect that this friend is taking things/trying to take things any further, then I'd say you have cause for alarm.

 

At this point, I'm confused about where DD and GD live. Are they now living with GS' dad? I

 

Regardless, it seems as if  DD has definitely resumed her relationship with you. Good to see and hope that isn't damaged by the underlying tensions. Keep us posted!

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GrandNonna

Posted

Hi Everyone hope all is happy in your neck of the woods. My daughter and I are in our 6th week counseling and I hope this helps. She has not shown changes so far and sometimes I feel she is 

just going through the motions to keep peace. She is very rigid and hard to reach but I feel I have made some progress by encouraging her to go with . As for GS he has signs of emotional stress and the times I have had him here he shares his feelings and still tears up when time to go home. But last week he cried leaving his father. I am very concerned because I noticed his father hugs him too tight does not let go of him and this week he was teary walking to my car. Then when I took him home he was teary to leave me. I pray our counselor can get him in soon I keep asking. Took him to the circus he had a blast . 

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