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Grandma worried

Brigittenick@att.net

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my daughter left the baby's father and now she has to work extra in the evening to make ends meet. she has a full time job and makes good money she just needs to learn how to manage it well.my concern is for my grandson who is only 18 month old he has to adjust living in an apartment and his mom working extra and I am worried that he will be so confused a to were he spends the night.sometimes it's with me sometimes it's with his dad sometimes it's with his dads family.I have talked with my daughter about this and she said that is what she has to do right now and he will get used to it eventually.I am a new grandmother he is my first grandchild and naturally I'm worried.is there somebody in the same situation who can give me advice on how to best handle the whole thing.




9 Comments


RoseRed135

Posted

Welcome! And congratulations on being a 1st-time GM! So sorry to hear about your concerns but glad that you've brought them to us!

 

Meanwhile if that's your active email addy in your username, you may want to change it for greater privacy. If so,  just click on http://www.grandparents.com/profile and change your name where shown. You must sign/log out and then sign/log back in again to make sure the change takes full effect.

 

If you do this, immediately, it will be obvious, of course. However, generally speaking please always let a moderator or administrator know if you change your name (just click on their name and then Send a Message and go from there. Or mention it in a post.) Thank you. :)

 

(Note: You are permitted to make 3 display name changes in a 30 day period)

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RoseRed135

Posted

You sound like a very loving and concerned GM! I wouldn't worry about baby's having to "adjust to living in an apartment" - at his age, it probably seems quite large to him and I doubt he know the difference. As long as he's loved and cared for, I'm sure he's ok on that score.

 

I don't know if he realizes that his mom is working longer hours, either. But if he was used to her being there for bedtime and they had a specific bedtime routine, he might miss her then. I hope DD (dear daughter) has gone over w/ you (and the others involved) any bedtime rituals and that you're able to replicate them. While I'm not in your same situation, I do watch my DGC (dear grandchildren) often, And I know that, even now that they are schoolage, keeping their routines is very important, both for them and for their mom.

 

As far as your GS' sleeping in 3 different homes, that does concern me a little. However, just off the top of my head, I think babies tend to trust the people they love and so, he'll be all right, as long as he's comfortable staying in each of those places. Especially if there is some consistency to the schedule. I mean, I know he probably doesn't know the days of the week yet. But if he, for example, he stays 2 consecutive days in one place, the next 2 in another and the last 3 in the 3rd, hopefully, that will help.

 

I don't blame you for voicing your reservations to DD. But now that you have, I hope you don't mention it again (I know you didn't say you were going to). It seems clear to me that she feels she can't change the situation, right now. And it wouldn't surprise me if it hurts her that GS never gets to spend the night w/ her, anymore. So bringing it up again may just cause pain, as well as friction between the two of you.

 

IMO, the best you can do is just make him feel as secure, happy and loved as possible when he's w/ you. Fortunately, I know that's not a tall order for you. :)

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Any chance your daughter would move in with you?   My daughter moved in when my Grandson was only 3 months old.  He is now 5-1/2 yrs old and we are very, very close. They've been home until very recently.  She is slowly moving him out and into her BF's apartment.  Needless to say, I am heart-broken.

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Brigittenick@att.net

Posted

thank you for all your advice it is nice to have a grandmother support group since this is my first grandchild I still need to learn a lot about not having too much control. Letting go is hard to do and I will have to learn to do just that.

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RoseRed135

Posted

@ JB - Welcome! And bravo to you for being there for your DD (dear daughter) and GS when they needed you the most. I understand how close you must have grown to your GS - I feel very close to the two GC I watch and I don't even live w/ them. So I also get that it must hurt very much to see them moving out. Hopefully, though, you will be able to continue to be a big part of their lives, even if not as much or in the same way as before.

 

Meanwhile, if that's your actual email addy in your username, you might want to change it, as I suggested to Brigitte, above. Please give it some thought.

 

Also, since you've had the experience of having your adult DD and GS live in your home, it would be great to have you come and talk w/ us, as well, in the following forum conversation: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php/topic/12348-living-with-the-grands-and-their-parents/#entry210869

 

@ Brigitte - So glad you appreciate this community. While both of us who have spoken to you here, so far, are GPs, however, please be aware that there are others on this site that are not GPs and even some who are younger parents. So you may receive a broad variety of responses, as time goes on.

 

I so get the fact that it can be hard to accept not having "control." Especially when you (general) are right "on top of" the situation, so to speak. But we're here for you and hopefully, we can help.

 

Meanwhile, I'd also love to have you come and talk w/ us in one of the "Granny (and Other Relative) Nannies" threads in Grandparents Caring for Grandkids, especially the latest one: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php/topic/12349-granny-and-other-relative-nannies-3-sharing-the-childcare/#entry210870

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Thank you.  So glad I found you guys!  I wasn't just a care-taker, I was his primary care taker for so long, and now his mother is taking him back.  Tough for both GS and me!  At first, he would leave me kicking and screaming, which made me crazy and broke my heart.  Now, he goes willingly, and that hurts, too.

 

My daughter would pop in now and again, but she was not really an involved mother.  she didn't work, and as soon as I came home from work, she'd be gone.  Weekends, we never saw her.  I took over the role as Mom.  Now, she tries to keep him away from me for as much as possible, so that he won't re-attach.  (I understand, but tough to swallow.)

 

My GS has a speech delay, and so cannot always express himself in the same way as typical 5-1/2 year old.

He's doing very well and has come a long way. He can read and add and subtract.    Some things, he is actually above level, but overall, he is in special ed.

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RoseRed135

Posted

Oh, JB, this must be such a hard transition for you to make! My heart goes out to you! In the overall picture, IMO, it's good that DD is trying to be more of a mom now. But it doesn't surprise me that it has been hard on both you and GS. If it's any comfort, this situation isn't unusual - there are many GPs who come to these boards in similar situations. 

 

I'm glad he has begun to adjust to the change. And I'm glad that you understand why she's keeping him away as much as she is, You would be surprised at how many GPs in your shoes do not. But I also understand that it hurts.

 

Meanwhile, I'm sorry to hear about GS' various problems. But I'm glad he's getting help and that he's doing so well! :)

 

But, of course, this is Brigitte's blog. You may want to start one of your own. If so, just click on Blogs (above, left), then Create a Blog and go from there.

 

And I see you're also talking to us in that thread I linked. Please also feel free to come and talk w/ us about GP shifting roles, here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php/topic/12355-custodial-issues-3-shifting-back/

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Brig, You are very smart to try to not take too much control.  I should have done the same!

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bethhl

Posted

My GDG had a similar situation.

Ya know what?  She knows she's loved by a lot of people.  She didn't have much, if any, 'separation anxiety' when it came time to go to prek.    She's shy around strangers, but very outgoing and warm with the many people she knows so well.... and I attribute it to her being with so many people who love her so much.

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