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Am I wrong on this?

gammy915

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Hi all,

I am wondering about something. My son has a friend -since junior high school - who lives a few seconds from our house. Now, my son lives an hour away from here. They now have two kids ( 2 yrs and 1 month). They visit that family often without stopping by at our house or even asking if it's ok to stop by . on facebook I have seen numerous pictures of our granddaughter, son and DIL all dressed up. When they come to our house no pictures are put on facebook and DIL wears jeans with holes etc. Two weeks ago they visited again the friends house and posted a picture of the mother of the friend with the caption: getting some love from Momma --------. At that GD shower people thought of that women being my GD's grandmother and asked me who I was? Don't get me wrong. from day one I have always offered help on anything. Any comments? I think I am going insane. We have been very supportive and understanding in everything DS and DIL wanted to do and did. We love our grandchildren. DIL parents are praised at all times to high heaven by her on Facebook of course. Even my younger son feels left out. HELP




13 Comments


RoseRed135

Posted

Ouch! This stuff really hurts! I feel for you and DH!

 

But are you "wrong" about what? The idea that they should visit you when they go to see their friends? The difference in attire? Your concerns about the FB pictures?

 

Hmmm... A lot of conflicting thoughts are running through my mind...  Actually, I understand their visiting the friends w/o stopping by your house. It may be about time and tiredness (of the kids or the parents!). They may just want to get to their friends' house and then go home afterwards, w/o making any other stops.

 

The difference in how they dress is harder for me to fathom. Is it just DIL who dresses differently at your house than at the friends'? If so, sadly, that could signify a lack of respect for you and DH. Or,,, sadly again... it could mean... and I know these things are hard to hear... that she really doesn't want to visit you, for whatever reason, and is, unfortunately, being pressured into it by S. If so, maybe she only agrees to it in the spirit of, "Ok, I'll go, but I'm wearing whatever..." On the bright side, that would mean that S is at least somewhat invested in seeing you people and having the kids visit you,,too.

 

But it also could mean that she actually feels more comfortable and relaxed around you, DH and your younger son than w/ the friends. That would be a good thing. :)

 

If they all dress up more at the other place, could it be they do special activities together/go on special outings? And at your house, it's "just" a "regular visit?" FB pics don't necessarily tell everything.

 

Speaking of which, are those pics posted on a page that DIL and S share or is it her page alone? If it's her page, it may not even occur to her to post pics w/ S' parents and brother. Granted, I know DILs who do post photos of/w/ their ILs, but others don't. As you may or may not know, many young couples take a yours/mine approach to extended family, as in "You deal w/ yours, I'll deal w/ mine." IMO, applying this to photos is extreme/very rigid. But some people are like that... sigh...

 

So... If S has his own page, it may be up to him to post pics of visits w/ you if he's so inclined.  If he's not on FB, then that may be why they take/post no pics of you. In fact, even if they share a page, DIL may feel that's up to him. And he, unfortunately, may not be into those kinds of posts.

 

Or is there, perhaps, a strain between you people and S? And/or you and DIL?

 

Anyhow, welcome back! And congrats on the new GB! Hope your situation improves soon!

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RoseRed135

Posted

Gammy, I've been rereading some of your previous blog entries and posts. And altogether, it does seem to me that there has been some kind of invisible line drawn between you and DIL from early on. You've told us before that when her own FOO is present, she ignores you and DH. And that when they're not she's friendlier but "very superficial."

 

I also see that there are religious and cultural differences though it doesn't appear that they have ever been an issue. Is it possible, though, that DIL is just, basically, uncomfortable w/ anyone from a different culture or w/ a different belief system? If so, unfortunately, that may be just the way she is... sigh... not your fault, that I can see, and not much you can do about that.

 

Then again, I see that there have been some issues over gifts in both directions. Perhaps there are still some tensions left over from that? If so, I'm sorry to say, DIL (or S and DIL) may be less than enthusiastic about visiting you people. And I realize that you have dropped the "D" ("dear") from DS, calling him only "S." But whether that's b/c of past issues or this recent one about the visits, IDK, of course.

 

Also, a couple of times, DH has advised you to behave more aggressively to get what you want. Posters here, OTOH, have advised you otherwise. Who's advice, if you don't mind telling us, did you take?

 

Posters have also advised you to avoid making comparisons, saying that this will serve to do nothing but aggravate you. But that was when you were upset that S and DIL seemed to spend more time w/ her FOO. Now the concern about the friend's family has been added.... sigh... I realize that it must feel as if S and DIL would rather spend time w/ "everyone else" than w/ you,DH and YDS. And that must hurt terribly. Again, my heart aches for you.

 

If you can identify some things that you or DH may have done that pushed them away/further away, please let us know and maybe we can help you figure out how to reverse the situation. Other than that, all I can say, right now, is perhaps the best thing is to just enjoy the visits you do have w/ S and family. Oh and it may help to stop looking at that FB page. It only brings you pain.

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gammy915

Posted

Thanks rosered 135 for your replies. I will address each paragraph so that you and everyone here on the blog can understand all of this a bit more.

 

I neglected to tell everyone that DS friend's family lives only 2 minutes from our house. And I do understand that DS and DIL have all the rights in the world to have friends and visit them. The woman in the household is an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. Six years ago I asked future DIL if we can help in any way with their wedding etc. Nothing happened. DS and DIL got married and a day before the wedding future DIL informed me that DS's friend's parents will come to the wedding because "they had done so much for us". Well, what can I say? I said: " It's fine with me. You don't have to ask for my permission". 

At the reception said parents were seated with us and two other of DS's friends parents/couple. Friend's father said in the middle of dinner to DH and me: "well we finally get to meet DS's parents. We thought he had no parents or where are they? He always is at our house.Anytime of the day."  That was so hurtful and awful especially in front of the other two couples. DH and I just laughed it off at the time. But we both never have forgotten that comment. We taught our sons respect, trust and open mindedness from the moment they were born. DS was never ever in trouble and his best friend is still his best friend even at the age of 40. So I don't know where that remark came from. 

 

As to how DIL dresses: She always dresses up when they go to DS friend's house for xmas, or any holiday. But as far as holiday visits are concerned when coming to our house : No dressing up.   Now,  maybe you are right in saying that DIL feels comfortable to not dress up when she is at our place and that could be true. So I will not be so harsh on that subject. It just stands out to me because they then also take pictures when they are over there and post them on FB but take no pictures when they are at our house for all the special occasions. 

All pictures and postings are on DIL 's FB. DS has his own but nothing but his stuff concerning his business and man-friends.  As far as we know there is no strain between us and DS. 

Thanks for your congrat to our new GB. She just turned one month today. 

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RoseRed135

Posted

Thanks rosered 135 for your replies. I will address each paragraph so that you and everyone here on the blog can understand all of this a bit more.

 

I neglected to tell everyone that DS friend's family lives only 2 minutes from our house. And I do understand that DS and DIL have all the rights in the world to have friends and visit them. The woman in the household is an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. So perhaps you're wondering how they could have her around their kids more than you? ... Sigh... So am I... But nothing you can do about that, of course. Six years ago I asked future DIL if we can help in any way with their wedding etc. Nothing happened. DS and DIL got married and a day before the wedding future DIL informed me that DS's friend's parents will come to the wedding because "they had done so much for us". Well, what can I say? I said: " It's fine with me. You don't have to ask for my permission". Sounds like an uncomfortable exchange! I'm so sorry!.

At the reception said parents were seated with us and two other of DS's friends parents/couple. Friend's father said in the middle of dinner to DH and me: "well we finally get to meet DS's parents. We thought he had no parents or where are they? He always is at our house.Anytime of the day."  That was so hurtful and awful especially in front of the other two couples. DH and I just laughed it off at the time. But we both never have forgotten that comment. We taught our sons respect, trust and open mindedness from the moment they were born. DS was never ever in trouble and his best friend is still his best friend even at the age of 40. So I don't know where that remark came from. 

 

IMO, it was cruel of friend's father to say that, whether he realized it or not. And at DS' wedding reception of all places! I so feel for you and DH!  Frankly, I don't see any reason why the friend's parents should have met you and DH before, any more than you met them. I take it DS and friend were young men, not teenagers. You  could have made the same comment vice versa. Also,  the amount of time that DS spent at his house was probably exaggerated though I imagine it was fairly often.

 

I'm not clear on whether or not this man's son is the "best friend" you mention. But if DS was at their house a lot, say more than he was at yours (if that's the case), then it doesn't surprise me that he and his family go there now, more than they visit you.  Some people change their patterns after they get married and have kids, but, as I'm sure you know, many others don't. I realize that means you may not get to see DS and your GC as often as you'd like, and I'm sorry about that.

 

As to how DIL dresses: She always dresses up when they go to DS friend's house for xmas, or any holiday. But as far as holiday visits are concerned when coming to our house : No dressing up.   Now,  maybe you are right in saying that DIL feels comfortable to not dress up when she is at our place and that could be true. So I will not be so harsh on that subject. It just stands out to me because they then also take pictures when they are over there and post them on FB but take no pictures when they are at our house for all the special occasions. 

All pictures and postings are on DIL 's FB. DS has his own but nothing but his stuff concerning his business and man-friends. Well, again, DIL may feel it's up to him to decide whether or not he's going to take and post pics of his FOO. But it seems he prefers to keep his FB to business and friends. That's not necessarily anything against you, IMO, just a function, I imagine, of his personality. Some people are like that. Again, I suggest that you avoid DIL's page. Also, are DS and DIL ok w/ your posting pics of their kids on FB? If so, then perhaps you can put up a few family photos of your own. As far as we know there is no strain between us and DS. 

 

Thanks for your congrat to our new GB. She just turned one month today. 

 

How awesome!

 

Meanwhile, I've sent you a PM (personal/private message). To find it, just click on the Messenger button w/ the envelope on it in the upper right corner of this page or click on your name in the upper right corner and then Personal Messenger.. Thank you. :)

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gammy915

Posted

 

Meanwhile, I've sent you a PM (personal/private message).

Rosered135, thanks for the message. Corrections have been made. Thanks for your input. I feel a bit better now.

I have one other question: GC'd baptism is next week and every one is going to a Grill/Bar after church. I have been diagnosed as Celiac with ulcerative Colitis.(5 months ago ) I can't eat anything at this place and don't know what to do.DIL and DS know about it. I am not trying to demand anything. I don't want to imply that they should have chosen a place that serves gluten free food. I guess I will eat something at home and just enjoy the company for a while ( maybe have a glass of wine lol ). What do you think? And as usual thank you. :)

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RoseRed135

Posted

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis, gammy. And about the quandary you're in b/c of it, regarding the meal to follow the baptism. I think you've found your solution, however. Maybe someone else will come up w/ an even better idea, but I, for one, can't think of one. Hope you have a lovely time, regardless of the food issue!

 

ETA: I'm also sorry that DS and DIL didn't give more thought to it when they chose the restaurant... sigh...

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gammy915

Posted

Thnx rosered135    since my husband is diabetic we will go out to eat at place that accommodates both of us and then enjoy the celebration. Love you to pieces.   :)

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RoseRed135

Posted

:)

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GrannyRJ

Posted

From a DIL perspective, are you positive - and I mean absolutely positive - you have not strained the relationship with her?  My MIL denies any wrong-doing in our entire marriage. When FIL was alive he also denied it. but they both pushed me away and did everything to make sure I knew I was not welcome in the family. I was over 30, with 2 children from previous marriage (my DH eventually fully adopted them both!), had a hysterectomy so no more kids coming - when I met their son. They were not pleased he was in love with me. None of his family was/is. We have a mutual hate for each other now. I tried my very best to love them. I wanted a relationship with them. I loved my ex-MIL more than my own mother, so I craved this so bad. I will not trump your post with all my issues with them, but every thing they did was an attempt to sabotage us, our marriage, and happiness. Again, neither admits it.  From the bottom of my heart, I hate my in-laws. I got to where I would not even take pictures at the holidays we spent together. If DH wanted them, he would have to take them, but he never took any. Now I simply refuse to visit - seriously - I never go there anymore. I have his entire family blocked on FB.  I even have them all blocked from calling me.

 

So before it gets that bad with your DIL, re-evaluate your entire time since they've been together.  By no means am I accusing you, but just want you to make sure you are not in denial about any cause you yourself may have on this situation. Have you made snide remarks to or about her?  Have you demanded you be put before her?  When you go to her house, do you criticize her home, her cooking, her child rearing? Do you compromise holiday schedules or do you demand yours never change? 

 

Just something to think about... it might not all be her.  Again, just trying to throw a DIL view in the mix.

 

I want to add. my DH and I do not have the best relationship now - not even sure how much longer it will honestly last. It's mainly because of them. There are some things you just have a hard time getting over. When his parents are the cause of daily fights, this is just not worth it.  We don't fight about them anymore, because we don't speak of them. If he wants to see them or talk to his family, he does it without me. Please don't be the cause of problems in a potentially happy marriage.

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mawmawtricia

Posted

I don't think your wrong. My son seems to get pleasure from leaving me out unless he needs something. I put up the money for his first divorce and he was able to get joint custody  of his first child and very soon after he did his very best to keep my granddaughter away form me. I think this type of behavior is inconsiderate of you and your family. They should be able to make equal time for you. 

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RoseRed135

Posted (edited)

11 hours ago, mawmawtricia said:

I don't think your wrong. My son seems to get pleasure from leaving me out unless he needs something. I put up the money for his first divorce and he was able to get joint custody  of his first child and very soon after he did his very best to keep my granddaughter away form me. I think this type of behavior is inconsiderate of you and your family. They should be able to make equal time for you. 

Welcome mawmatricia! So sorry that you're currently being distanced from your GD! But I think it's very kind of you to draw on your pain to reach out to someone else.

Unfortunately, grammy915 hasn't been back in here in quite a while. But she tends to come in sporadically, so hopefully, she'll be back again and see your comment. Meanwhile, I suggest looking around and joining in some more recent blog or forum conversations. But regardless, glad you chose to talk w/ us!

Edited by RoseRed135

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GiGiMonica

Posted

Here is my one thought.  Take matters in your own hands. Why don't you take pictures of your grandchild and post them on Facebook and add your DS and dil.   I don't know if that's right or wrong but that's what I would do. 

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RoseRed135

Posted (edited)

2 hours ago, GiGiMonica said:

Here is my one thought.  Take matters in your own hands. Why don't you take pictures of your grandchild and post them on Facebook and add your DS and dil.   I don't know if that's right or wrong but that's what I would do. 

Welcome, Gigi! Glad you decided to join us and share your thoughts!

Generally, however, we ask members not to bump up conversations that are more than 3 months old, unless they are the OP (original poster) or it's pinned to the front of one of the forums. Since this one is very old and the OP hasn't been in here in over a year, I'm going to lock this down for now.

But would love to hear more from you. Please look around the blogs, as well as the threads in the forums, and I'm sure you'll find some more recent conversations to post in. :) 

Edited by RoseRed135

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