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  1. The GP.com FB page is featuring the following article about GPs who think their AC/CIL are "too permissive" (my words): https://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/family-matters/permissive-parenting Then again, there are GPs who have come in here and complained that their AC/CIL were "too easy" on the GC. And parents who gripe that the GPs are too lenient w/ their kids and bend/break parental rules, etc. So now I'm wondering... If you're a GP, have you ever thought your AC/CIL were too strict/too permissive? Or as the parent of underage kids, do/did you ever think either of these about their GPs? Or hey, have you ever felt that the parents/GPs of any other relative kids were too strict or too lenient?
  2. Recently, GP.com interviewed "Supernanny," Jo Frost about the ways and extent to which GPs can discipline their GC: http://www.grandparents.com/grandkids/discipline-and-behavior/supernanny-discipline So now I'm asking, as a GP, do you ever discipline your GC? Or do you leave it to the parents to do? Does it depend on whether or not they're on the scene? Or, as a parent, what do/did you expect GPs to do regarding discipline of your kids? And if you're a custodial GP, are you ok w/ the parents disciplining your GC when they visit?
  3. Just read this GP.com article w/ interest: http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/caring-for-children/daughter-in-law?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=nl889&mc_eid=ecb5e393da Most of us know, I think, that, any GP caregiver, from the occasional babysitter to the frequent granny (or other relative) nanny, is expected to follow the parents rules for their children. But this GP.com article says that it also matters whether or not you (general GP/relative babysitter/nanny) attribute a rule to the parents or act just state it as/enforce the rule, period. What do you think? Does the wording matter?
  4. The well-known Jo Frost - "Supernanny" - is now giving advice here on GP.com http://www.grandparents.com/grandkids/discipline-and-behavior/supernanny-discipline   But now I'm wondering how many of you have implemented these kinds of ideas with your children or the GC/relative kids you take care of - or wish you had? If you're a GP/relative caregiver, have you had any conflicts with the parents over discipline? Or if you're a parent, have you had any with a GP or other relative who watches your child/children? How have those conflicts been resolved, if at all?
  5. Have you seen the article about "spanking" on the Home Page of this website? The article quotes "pediatric experts" who recommends strongly against it. But the reaction of those who replied is mixed. Where do you stand on this issue? Are you for or against spanking as a consequence or somewhere in between? Also, is it a bone of contention between you and the parents of the GC you take care of? Please answer one or both of my questions below. And feel free to say as much - or as little - as you'd like... ETA: The article on spanking is no longer featured on the Home Page. If you'd like to read (or reread) it, first, go to the Home Page (click on the website title, above), and click on "Grandkids." Then go to the sidebar on the page that appears, click on Discipline and Behavior and you'll see it.
  6. This GP.com article is rather old, but it's somewhat different take caught my attention: http://www.grandparents.com/grandkids/discipline-and-behavior/managing-rude-grandchild-behavior What do you think? And how do/did/would you usually deal w/ rude behavior on the part of teens or preteeens?
  7. When I was a young mom, I remember that I often read that it wasn't a good idea to use the "b/c I say so!" response that parents so frequently rely on when disciplining their kids. Yet, here in this community, it's often recommended (w/ adults as well as kids, LOL!). What do you think about it? And as a parent or GP babysitter/caregiver, have/do/would you ever employ this phrase?
  8. The Word "No!"

    Every now and then, I read that toddlers hear the word "No" too often, as they are being taught limits. But I wonder, how well we can teach them this w/o using the simple word, "No."   What do you think are some of the most effective ways to show LOs that there are things they can't touch or places they can't go, etc? As a GP babysitter/caregiver, do you see eye to eye on this topic w/ the parents of your GC or is it an "issue?"   Or as a parent do/did you ever find that this is/was a bone of contention between you and the GPs?
  9. No doubt, sometimes, there are conflicts between parents and GP (or other relative) babysitters/caregivers. Maybe the GP believes in spanking, while the parents use TOs and other non-corporal methods of discipline. Or perhaps the GP lets the kids have sweets, whenever, throughout the day, while the parents have a strict only-after-meals rule. Etc.   But an article, by Sue Shellenbarger, in The Wall Street Journal says, among other things, that many parents and GPs are making adjustments in their thinking in order to provide the kids/GC w/ family daycare: http://www.wsj.com/a...45973124738260    The article speaks of "Marie," for example, "a consultant and mother of two and her mother, Antoinette... who often clash over the right way to raise kids." Apparently, "Antoinette thinks Marie is too lenient," the feature explains, " and Marie regards Antoinette’s rules as too black-and-white...."   "But," the piece also tells us, "the... mother and daughter are swallowing their differences so Antoinette can provide the summer child-care help Marie needs after a recent layoff and job change."   In fact, according to this article, many parents and GP caregivers/babysitters try to keep conflict over such issues to a minimum and that "keeping the peace" seems to be worth it from both POVs.. But except for a brief mention of Marie's decision to "look the other way," sometimes, the piece doesn't exactly say how that's accomplished.*   How do you think parents and GP caregivers/babysitters can handle conflict over discipline, etc? Or, if you prefer, how do/would you handle it as the GP or parent in this situation? Or how have you handled it, if you've dealt w/ this problem in the past?   * Please note, FWIW, that this is an old article, last updated in 2009.   ETA: Please don't miss this other topic, based on the same article: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php/topic/13210-sacrifices/
  10. Rules V. Rules

    In the "Teen Social Life" thread, the issue arose at to whether or not a parent applies the same rules to all their kids. So now I'm asking, do/did/would you apply the same rules to all of yours? Or the same rules for each one as they reach this/that age?   And if you're a GP/relative caregiver, is this a bone of contention between you and the parents? Or if you're a parent who relies on family daycare, is this a bone of contention between you and them?
  11. Watching an old rerun of  "Full House" w/ DGD, one day, recently (she loves that show), I started thinking about how "Uncle Jesse" and family friend, "Joey" interact w/ the kids. If you've ever watched this show, you may recall that these two guys not only moved in w/ "Danny Tanner" and his DDs, after the mom passed away, but also help in the childcare and the childrearing. IOWs, they not only, sometimes, prepare school lunches and change baby diapers, etc., but also are allowed to give advice to the girls, make decisions about discipline, etc.   What's your take on this situation? Does it reflect the reality of what usually happens when other adult relatives share a household w/ a parent and their kids? And do you think this kind of arrangement makes sense?
  12. No TV! No video games! No playing on the Wii! Parents have any number of privileges they can take away from their kids as a consequence for poor behavior - more, perhaps, given today's technology. But what happens if the parent expects you to carry out the consequences? Or don't they?   Parental and other views are welcome, as well, as always....
  13. In an article featured on the Home Page, Beverly Beckam question whether or not today's parents are "strict enough." http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/family-matters/permissive-parenting   IMO, it's a good article but generalizes too much - and I said so in response.    But now I'm wondering if differences in ideas of discipline - rules, methods of enforcing them, positive v. negative reinforcement, etc. - have ever caused conflict between parent and GP in your family? Especially (but not only) if you're the kids' caregiver or dealing with a GP who is. And, if so, how you found any ways to resolve that?
  14. Elsewhere in this community, the question came up as to whether or not it's ok to refer to a child as "defiant?" What do you think? Would you describe any of your kids - or GC/relative kids that you take care of - as "defiant?" Do you think "defiant" can ever be an accurate description for a child? If so, why? If not, why not - and what word or words do you think would be wiser to use?
  15. In a thread in another forum, the issue of little kids going through a biting phase came up and I got me wondering... Have the GC/relative kids you take care of ever gone through a period of biting, scratching, hitting, kicking, hair-pulling, etc? If so, how do/did you handle it? If not, how do you think you would?   Also, if you like, does your approach mesh with that of the parents? Or is it a bone of contention between you? Or ??
  16. How to Control Teenagers?

    In the thread called "Teenaged Drivers & Accidents, " a few posters talked about the need for parents to restrict adolescent driving and/or their decision not to let their kids drive till 18 and according to rules that they establish, over and above state laws. As much as I appreciate and respect those ideas, I'm wondering how easy it would be to enforce them? How can parents be sure, for example, that their teen doesn't "try" driving a friend's car, now and then, licensed or not? And how can they be certain that, despite a "no-passenger" rule, their teen doesn't just drive around the corner or down the block and pick up their friends away from the eyes of either set of parents?   But I'm not just talking about driving in this thread. I'm wondering to what extent people here think they can ( or could, if the teen years are in the past) control their teens when they're "out of sight" and how they would go/went about it? And do you think parents need to consider the various ways teens could get around a rule b4 they make it? Or do they need to make the rule, in spite of such possibilities?
  17. other grandparent

    My daughter has remarried and our 7 year old granddaughter has told me she doesn't like my new son-in-law's mother. The other grandma is definitely stricter than I am, but trying very hard to be kind to this step-granddaughter. how should I respond when my granddaughter says she doesn't like the other grandma. I want to be supportive of a good relationship with the new in-laws.
  18. What do you think are the most effective ways to deal with these annoying habits that kids often develop in their attempt to express their feelings? And, if you will, do you and their parents agree on this?
  19. I am a mother of an only child. She is now 37, married with 3 children. She is an accountant and so is her husband. I have always been there for her; I bailed her out of credit card debt 3 times when she was in college; I gave her security deposits and rent money when she moved out on her own. I have always made Christmas a wonderful holiday, including Mass on Christmas Eve, family and a lot of presents on Christmas morning. My daughter has always been a "smart mouth". From the time she was little she was a back talker and would roll her eyes at anything I said. I was a tough parent. I made curfews and she had to stick to them. She was grounded a lot for talking back and for treating me with disrespect. I had hoped she would grow out of it and when she became a "mom"she and I would have the same type of relationship that my Mom and I had. Yeah, that never happened. When we talk to each other she is very quick to send insults my way and if I say anything that she doesn't like, she will get mad and act like a spoiled brat, which she is. My first grandchild was born in 2006. I knew my place. I offered help, but since I was 45 miles away, my son in laws mother was closer and was there when they needed someone. I'm okay with that. I began to notice that when my grandson would spend time with me, my daughter would be angry every time I dropped him off. Of course I would ask her what was wrong, but she always said "Nothing". One Sunday afternoon when I took him back to her house, he was hugging me goodbye (age 2) and I said "He was telling me in the car that he wished he could spend one more night with me". I thought it was cute. She didn't. She took it to mean that her son would rather be with me than her. Ever since then, I've noticed this more and more. When son number 2 was born 20 months after number 1, I was called and asked it I could make the 90 mile roundtrip 3 days a week to watch my new grandson while my daughter went to work. I said "absolutely". I did that for 4 months. Not once was I thanked. Not once was I offered money for gas. No big deal. I'm glad to do it. When my daughter's consulting job ended, she and her husband decided that they wanted to own their own business. I knew they were talking to brokers and looking at several franchaises. One day I asked her what it was that made them want to buy a business. She said "So we can stay home with our kids and have fun with them". Hmmmmm...... In 2009 she and her husband decided to buy a business and she asked me if she could 'borrow' $20,000.00. I was able to write her a check and felt proud that I had helped her. She wanted to buy this business more than anything A month before they settled on the business, she told me that they needed an additional $50,000.00 or the deal would fall through. So, being who I am, I took out a $55k line of credit on my home. We made a deal that they would pay me $1000.00 a month. During the time that they were negotiating the purchase, not once did they ask me to look at the legal documents, financials, etc. As an accountant with over 30 years experience, I was a bit hurt, but I didn't say anything. The business deal went through and of course the prior owner had provided false information on the company's financials. The business was supposed to be making a huge profit and it had not. My daughter hired her mother in law to work at the business with her and they get along great. To add insult to injury, I was under the impression that the $1M they paid for the business included the building and property. Imagine my surprise when I found out, a year and a half later, that they're paying $17,000.00 a month in rent. The business is located near my home and my daughter and her family lived 45 miles away. She tried commuting the first year and it was too difficult. She then got pregnant with her third child and changes had to be made. They decided to rent out their house and then rent a house near me. It turned out that they would have to be out of their house by May 1st yet their rental wouldn't be ready until September 1st. So, again, I offer to help. I told them that they could live with me. I have a huge finished basement and I have a bedroom upstairs for the 2 boys anyway. They agreed to stay here. I did not ask them to give me any money for electric, food, etc. I had hoped they would save as much as they could. My feeling is "my house, my rules". I have an inground pool. Every night we would all be in the pool and I have rules. No running. No squirting someone in the face on purpose. No hitting. Well, grandson number 1 splashed his mother in the face and she said something to him. He then hit her several times. I told him that that was a mean thing to do. The next night he wouldn't listen to his father about running around the pool. So, I told my grandson to stop running or he was going to fall and get hurt. I glanced at my daughter and she rolled her eyes and made a face at me. Needless to say it was the longest 3 months of my life. The first night here the kids were acting like two little brats because their mother was here. My son in law asked me where I put the kids for a "time out". I said "I've never had to put them on a time out so it's up to you". The boys tested me as much as they could. They stuck their tongues out at me. They told me that they didn't have to listen to me and they wanted nothing to do with me. All summer I had the kids sit at the counter in the kitchen for dinner because that's where they eat when the visit me. At the end of the summer my daughter said "You know I want my sons at the dinner table with me for once". If she felt that way, I wish she had said something earlier. I have no problem with the boys sitting at the kitchen table. Then I was asked for more money. Up until then they had been paying me $1000.00 a month, but they couldn't afford it anymore. They need $9k for the deposit on their rental and to meet that week's payroll. I gladly wrote a check. I also told them that they could cut the payment to $500 a month to help them out. Then I said "well, why don't you not pay me for six months, so you can get caught up". That was in April 2011 and this year I received $500 in April and $500 in October, a week before my daughter's birthday. Needless to say, the situation as gone from bad to worse. I live a mile away from them, but I don't see them unless I call and ask if I can see them. I took grandson number 1 out for ice cream after school last week and when I took him home she was in a horrible mood. Again. Grandson number 2 came up to me and I smiled at him and I put my hands on his face and I said "hey you little bugger. I saw you trying to pull Santa's beard off the other day at the Santa breakfast". He smiled back at me and we both winked at each other. Then, my daughter said "So what. I did the same thing when I was a kid". What she said was not a statement. It was not a joke. I wanted to turn around and say something to her, but I didn't want to do it in front of my three grandchildren and my son in law. So, after I left I sent her a text that said "If you are going to continue to police what I say to my grandchildren then I'm done". That was the last straw for me. I simply couldn't take anymore. Grandson number 1 was supposed to spend the night at my house 3 nights later. She never dropped him off. I got a text message from him, on my daughter's phone, saying "MomMom I thought I was going to spend the night at your house". I sent him one back that said I thought he was too and that I was waiting for him. He never showed up. Six days later I called her to ask her about Christmas and I decided to ask the question so we could get rid of the elephant in the room. After 10 minutes of asking her what is wrong; why does she treat me like she does, she said "because i do not want you discipling my children". WHAT????? Because I told him that I saw what he was doing, I was discipling him? Because if I see the boys hit each other, in their mother's home, and I tell them to apologize to each other and be nice, I'm disciplining them? I have NEVER raised my voice to my grandchildren. I adore them, but I want them to know that there are certain rules. When they want something they are to say "please". When they get it, they are to say "thank you". My daughter rolls her eyes when I do this. Don't get me wrong, when the kids are with me, we have a great time and they're good kids. Put them in a room with their parents and it's another story. I know my husband and I don't get asked over to visit them because of how my daughter feels, and again, I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is that I now feel as though my heart has been cut out of my chest. For the last 6 years my daughter has felt this way and it took her all this time to tell me? I asked my husband what I was doing wrong and he said that he's never seen me be mean to the kids and that the only thing I ever did was ask them to be quiet when I'm on the phone and I've stopped them from fighting. My question is, how would you handle this situation? I have to spend Christmas Eve at her home and I'm sure there will be comments made. Normally, when the comments start, we leave, but I'm tired of doing that. Any suggestions how to handle a daughter who doesn't appreciate anything?