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      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.

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  1. School for Grandparents?

    Have you heard of "Grandparenting Classes?" Are you going/have you gone to any? And/or what's your take on them?
  2. Dealing with my Aging Father

    I need some advice on dealing with my father, to give you some background I am going to try to be brief and blunt but its a long story -so bear with me.  Background My Dad's back had always hurt for as long as I can remember, he is way over-weight, does not follow a diet or excersize, and is borderline diabetic, not to mention a number of other health problems. He has managed this with a number of pain medications and injections. In August something became worse, as he would barely walk and finally went to see a specialist. The specialist recommended weight loss and physical therapy, neither of which he did. So for a while he "doctor shopped" - basically going to different doctors looking for the answer he agreed with... Various doctors and pain medications later, he has just continued to let things go.  So for the past 4 months he has pretty much sat in a chair and done zip, other than watch TV. Things came to a head last month as the pain in bad enough that sitting doesn't work nor the pain medications - long story short, he is having surgery to remove a herniated disk. Which the doctor believes has relieved the majority of his pain.  Going Forward So it is obvious that this year is going to be a cornerstone for him.  He will either change his ways (now that the pain is manageable) or he will become sedentary and be unable to walk - which will lead to a nursing home situation as my itty-bitty mother cannot take care of the big guy.. My question is what can I do to help this? I know that he does not want to be in a nursing home as he says statements like "I would die first" but he also does not take advice well as he is quite rude and angry..  Last year, when it was apparent this was coming I had a sit down heart to heart with him, I was as nice as I could possibly be, but I wanted to covey to him if he didn't do something soon he would not be walking - at that time I felt within a year or two... ironic how very close I was. He did not talk to me for two months... and the conversation did little good to improve his health.  Right now, he is in an inpatient rehab clinic, where he is going to have to do a lot of work, physical and mental, not to mention change his eating habits to get out of there.  He is having issues walking and the physical therapist has high hopes he will walk but right now he is totally unmotivated - wanting others to do the simplest of tasks like shaving... (there is nothing wrong with the mans arms, just saying)  I know that I cannot do this for him.. But should I just stay out of it? Or should I take drastic measures and lecture him? Would that work as he is not a child? Any input would be most welcome.   
  3. Have you seen the article about "spanking" on the Home Page of this website? The article quotes "pediatric experts" who recommends strongly against it. But the reaction of those who replied is mixed. Where do you stand on this issue? Are you for or against spanking as a consequence or somewhere in between? Also, is it a bone of contention between you and the parents of the GC you take care of? Please answer one or both of my questions below. And feel free to say as much - or as little - as you'd like... ETA: The article on spanking is no longer featured on the Home Page. If you'd like to read (or reread) it, first, go to the Home Page (click on the website title, above), and click on "Grandkids." Then go to the sidebar on the page that appears, click on Discipline and Behavior and you'll see it.
  4. Hello ,   I 've been blogging here for about a year. My situation is 6 years old and now starting over with the newer grandchild who is 3. My 6 year old grandsons father and his father have been continually placing limitations on my visits through my DD . An example that opened my eyes to this was at my GS 1st birthday party hosted at my former home per request of my DD. Before the family left all gifts were being gathered to remove from the home. ( Both DD and GS came to live with me) . When questioned to this behavior GS father cursed at me and yelled that I do nothing for DD and his family does everything, told me I have no rights and that he has been talking to people ( I'm guessing intent) and I have no rights. He also told me to shut my f ( explict) mouth. According to GS fathers mother he has multiple mental illnesses . He refuses to treat and smokes pot and drinks as his own medication.  I turned to my DD and I said you said this about me? GS father took over looking at her in her face saying EYE CONTACT as if to say block her out look at me focus on only me.    2 months later both GS father and grandfather put up funds to remove DD and GS from my home but gave nothing more . No child support  and without job . My plans to help DD were intruded upon but she too allowed it . I was told i can see GS anytime I wanted ( but I would not nag or take too much time) so I moved closer. I was continually begging to see my GS and by the time he was 3 he would cry he did not want to leave. Many times he was visiting and abruptly removed even if he was eating .   I finally got fed up and took it to court. Because DD failed to appear on the most important court date the judge wanted to bring her in to tell her what the visit schedule would be. I did not have the nerve to allow law enforcement to bring her in I feared it would really drive her away . Finally DD said can we work something out ? I know you did what you did because you had a reason. So I let it work itself out and after 18 months I finally started having GS over and GD too.  The first words out of GS mouth when left alone with me were please can I stay here with you ? My mom & dad always yell and my dad hits me all over.I discreetly video taped his statement.    Three years ago DD had another child.A little girl . Her relationship was hurt and much of it was of her own fault from one of her thug friends and family who makes porn flicks and managed to make several of her . I cannot express the disgusting feeling I had finding them online. We added this child to court hearings since DD no longer lived with the father but returned to the GS father with child. GS father is now the primary caregiver of my GD. GS was pulled from his visits for 1 month with no reason , and DD refused to attend this recent birthday party i host for the kids . Birthdays are a day apart.  This visit my GD stayed for 3 days and it did show that she needed someone to be by her side alot as she cried when i was going to the shower asking to go with . I set up a bench for her to sit and play with her dolls with bathroom door open but said no to her cries to shower with me . When I stepped out I asked why she wanted to shower and she told me GS father takes her to shower with him.A day before she had to go home I was reading to her . Many books and she paused me and said Nonna can I talk?  She was starting to display acts of affection and told me GS father kisses her in shower.   When brought to DD attention in a stumbling kind of way as I felt so uneasy talking to her she began to scream and yell.She spoke loud over the child saying no that did NOT happen . I asked her do you think it is normal to let her in the shower with him Yes mom it is she said.  I wound up with a black eye and bruised arm.She DD said I encouraged the story and never would I do such a thing . I was reading and this took me to a whole other shocking level.  For the kids sake I am still trying to be calm ,loving, calling and apologizing ( for what I don't know) just to get her to come talk.  When I was in court it was left to have her picked up and taken to court. My GD will not talk to anyone about what she told me it is clear this child needs to trust and both do trust me. If I had her with me I could tape her story and deliver it to the proper people but I am afraid she out of fear may  say it didn't happen.   She DD says she has a gang of people on her side and that she is taking a break from me. Meanwhile if this is true and GS fathers mental illness is worsening and nothing can be done unless seeing what can I do to get DD here to talk and most of all how can I tip toe to see  kids again?   I have really been a sport about working this out between DD and I for kids sake but she wants me out of her life.She said this after she hit me .   Thanks for reading.   GN 
  5. I have four daughters. The older 3 with my ex-h. He and I split up 8 years ago. These dd's do not have a relationship with their grandparents aside from seeing them maybe once or twice a year and Christmas gifts delivered via ex-h. The GP relationship wasn't all that great before the split especially with the seemingly special treatment to x-sils dd on one side and x-step bil's ds on the other.   So as I get older and realize they are getting older, I wonder: Do I need to make more of an effort for a better relationship for them? MIL has a lot of health problems, but she's ok for the most part. FIL & wife are fine (as far as I know). The last time I spoke  to MIL (last fall) she wanted me to bring the kids to visit her one at a time. The girls didn't want to go one at a time, nor did they want to spend the night with her (in her senior citizen building) as requested. The conversations that happens when my dd's do see any gp's are the typical how's school and small talk that you'd make with a stranger.  But let them tell it they just loooove them.   So I'm asking, how much of this is on me and how much should be on their dad. I put it on him all this time, and that has gotten no where. We are also talking about 16, 15 and 12 year olds who don't want a lot of grandparent time anyway.  But at the same time, it breaks my heart to see the envy in their eyes whille watching the GP relationship my 5 year old is blessed with.
  6. It has been over a year now and 2 Christmases since I have seen my grandson. My daughter has used him as a pawn since his birth to use against me whenever she becomes mad at me. She has threatened to keep him away from me frequently throughout his 5 years of age. When he was only a few months old my daughter and the father of my grandchild broke up and fought in court over custody. During that time, I cared for my grandson and had him with me more often than either parents till he was over 2 years old. After my daughter finally got established in an apartment and started going to college, the father started becoming more involved with his son having him spend weekends at his parents home since he lived there. I have had little if any contact with the father since they split up. The last time I saw my grandson my daughter and I had an awful fight where she was abusive towards me and screamed obscenities etc. my daughter has anger issues as well as mental issues and is like a ticking time bomb. Many times when my grandson was just an infant and my daughter would lose control, my youngest daughter would take my grandson and lock him in her bedroom to keep him away from her rage. Now my daughter is keeping my grandson away from everyone in my family even blocking us all from even seeing his pics on Facebook etc, I waited for 6 months hoping that my daughter would calm down and allow me to see my grandson. She hasn't so I filed for grandparent rights. This case has been going on for over 6 months and both my daughter and my grandsons father are both saying they don't want my grandson to see me. I feel the only reason my grandsons father is doing this is because he is afraid of my daughter too. The court appointed an atty for my grandson who said that because my daughter and I can't get along that he feels that it isn't good for my grandson to have to be exposed to the animosity. I am more than willing to see my grandson without ever seeing or dealing with my daughter. He recommended I give it more time for my daughter to cool down. It has been over a year now since I have seen my grandson. The judge had even asked me at the beginning of all this why I waited 6 months to file a petition. It seems like it is a lose/lose situation. I told my attorney that I am willing to do counseling with my daughter and have tried in the past many times. She hasn't been willing to attend. It seems useless that I will ever see my grandson again since both parents are fighting me. My daughter is really jealous that my grandson often didn't want to go home with my daughter and cried to stay with me. We had a very close relationship that has been proven in court but it doesn't seem like it will matter. Next month we go to trial where it will be brought out that both of my grandsons parents do marihuana and possible other drugs. Don't say contact CPS because we have several times and nothing has been done. My heart is broken from not seeing him in so long.
  7. My daughter began having rage issues as soon as she started into puberty. She has threatened to kill me, her siblings and others while we sleep adding to this that she knows enough about forensic evidence to get away with it. I took her to mental health and eventually put her into a adolescent mental health clinic and then got her counselors. Im stuck with the bills now after I found out that she told horrendous lies about me and everyone in our family. AND THEY BELIEVE HER! I found writings to her school and others about stuff that just didn't happen. I finally sent her to her fathers house where she was horrid. She then ended up running away and getting pregnant on purpose. I now have a grandchild that I'm not allowed to see. because my daughter's dillusions. I get weird messages that make me cry and put me in real terror for my sweet little granddaughter. I don't have any money and cant seem to get any legal help from the legal aid either of two states because we are in different states. Does anyone know any legal avenue I can take to at least be able to see my grand daughter?? I would love to show up in court and debunk all the things that her mental health professionals are believing. She has threatened to put a restraining order on me ..I've encouraged her to do it. I want the chance to answer the charges against me. I want to file something int he courts that will shine light on the truth and get my daughter real help before she goes on a ti raid and kills my grand daughter. I can't sleep at night. My dreams are full of grief. someone please help. I'm desperate. Note from Kalana: edited to remove identifying details
  8. Is it just me or has anyone else ever noticed that what works legally doesn't always work socially and that what works socially doesn't always work legally, at least in the case of GP visitation. (Perhaps "social" isn't quite the right word; "family relations" might be better.) For example, part of the usual advice to GPs who aren't getting to see their GC is to back off and give the parents some "space" or risk alienating them further. But in some states, to my knowledge, one of the factors the courts look at is whether or not the GPs have made a concerted effort to see their GC.  So if a GP follows the social/family relations advice, they may hurt any eventual legal case that they take on. But if they follow the legal advice they may be damaging their relationship with the parents, making the situation worse, especially if they lose the case. Thoughts anyone?
  9. Rules for Grandparents?

    Have you read the article currently headlined on the Home Page - The 7 Laws of Grandparenting? Did any of the suggestions there surprise you? Are there any rules you would add? And, if you're a new GP or GP-to-be, what did you learn from it, if anything?     ETA:  This article is no longer being headlined, but you can find it by clicking on "Family and Relationships," above and scrolling down the list of articles there.
  10. I posted this earlier in out of wedlock grandchildren but think it belongs here. I'm the new grandparent of an out of wedlock grandson - my first grandchild who lives in another state. He's two months old and a beautiful sweet boy. I've seen him once for 6 days, the week after he was born and on 2 Skype calls.   My son has accepted full responsibility for the baby - he's always wanted children. He has a good job, has provided a nice home and pays all the expenses. He and the baby's mother, who I'll call "B" live together. She's bipolar (mostly manic) and has been off her meds for almost a year now.  She has two other children she lost custody of for several years because of neglect due to her mental illness. They live with their father and his family and visit on the weekends.   In a word, my son's relationship with B is "volatile". They don't get along at all, but she won't move out and the law where they live requires that he evict her even though she's not on the lease. He did that once last fall but let her move back after she threatened not to let him see the baby. That threat is ongoing. Now B has no where else to go, no income and my son wants to be around his baby. That's the story.   To add to this nightmare, my own mother died in January. During the week when we were planning her funeral, B was manic and texting me every 15 minutes about how my son wasn't there for her. It got so bad that my siblings and my son all agreed that she should not come to the funeral and they blocked her from texting me.    I confess, there are times when I absolutely can't stand B and that's so out of character for me to say something like that. And I also confess that there are times when my son has called on me to help out - come to court with him, etc. So I'm sure B can't stand me either.   Also I sent my son an email with "motherly" advice on the eve of my grandson's birth. I asked my son to think seriously about the quality of life he and his son would have with someone who is bipolar and narcissistic. B took my son's phone one day and was able to go through all of his voicemail, email and texts back to January. She saw my email and is upset that I referred to her as "bipolar" and "narcissistic".    Several weeks ago, my son said they were coming for Mother's Day weekend. I invited them to stay with me and thought it was an opportunity to mend some fences with B. Maybe it was unrealistic on my part to think that was remotely possible but I admit I was hopeful. They didn't come because B threw a fit. And when my son wanted to Skype this morning with the baby, B went ballistic.    To be honest, I'm so tired of their toxic relationship and have pretty much accepted that, at least for now, I won't be able see my grandson. If that creates a more peaceful home for him - that's what counts. But here I am on my first Mother's Day as a grandmother - and my first Mother's Day without my mom, feeling very sad and lost.     The one good thing is that I found and joined Grandparent.com a month ago. It helps to know that at least there's a forum for people who are dealing with both the good and bad of grandparenthood. Thanks for listening:)   Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful grandmothers. 
  11. Most of the time, in this forum, we talk about GP (grandparent) visitation and whether or not GPs have/should have any "rights" to them. But now I'm wondering, what about other (non-parent) relatives? Do you feel any of them have a moral/genetic/whatever right to see relative children? Please answer the poll above and then discuss further below...   ETA:  Please rest assured that while the results of the voting are published (under Show Results), your name will not appear along with your vote.
  12. If you're raising your GC (grandchildren) or other relative kids, what would you change, if anything, about their parents' visits? Location? Frequency? Quality? Or ??
  13. The (Grandparent) Name Game

    Recently, my DGC (dear grandchildren) switched from calling me "Gramma" to "Grammy." I guess it's like a "nickname" to them and I think it's adorable! So now I'm wondering what other GPs GC call them and why? Also, has anyone else besides me taken the Grandparent Name quiz on the Home Page (It's under Family & Relationships and I think it's called "Do You Know Your Grandparent Names?"). I did and got - groan! - 60% (6 right out of 10)! Well, ok, that's almost passing!
  14. Currently, one of the most well-known GP.com articles is headlinging the Home Page - "The 7 Laws of Grandparenting." Do you think it applies as much to us as GP/relative caregivers, as to other grandparents/relatives? Or do you feel we tend to have more - or less - leeway?   And if you're a custodial grandparent, are the tables turned the other way? IOWs, do the parents have to abide by the kinds of rules that GPs and other relatives usually do?
  15. A little background: My daughter and the father of my grandson are no longer together. My daughter is now engaged to marry a person who is 15 years older than her, she is 26/he is 40. Grandsons father is with someone else as well. Grandson is 3 years old. Goes to daycare fulltime and split time with parents 3 days / 4 days alternating weeks. The man my daughter is with is less than stellar. They are planning on getting married soon. Issue is he has no steady job, nor does she. They have no place to live. He has a 16 year old son living with him, and 18 year old daughter that doesn't speak to him and lives with her grandparents (mothers parents). Their mother died in July on a Friday, my daughter moved in on a Sunday! They were seeing each other while she was dying. The man has a record - Sexual offender register tier 3. He will be registered for life. He's a fake...he gave my daughter a beautiful ring that turns out to be fake...the gold wore off. Like I said, he has no job/no home. Oh and she keeps saying she's going to join the military...and currently she's applying for welfare benefits...just like his wife did! Issue: I don't know what my rights are as a grandparent. My daughter is not thinking of her sons best interest at all. It makes me ill to see what she is doing. I'm afraid that he is going to be abused. I don't know what to do. Anyone have any experience with a situation similar....I really need advice.