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  1. Note: More than once, this thread contains a trigger. I have two DD’s and one DS.  The DS has a wife and three children.  This is about that family. DS’s mortgage payments were stretching him to the breaking point.  So at their suggestion (with lots of love and hugs and GC company), I bought a large house and invited them to move in with me and just pay the utilities.  What would be a reasonable freedom of movement for a GF in the house?  Obviously not entering bedrooms uninvited, and there may well be additional restrictions, such as enter only the ground (middle) floor, and knock before entering.  But also obviously, it seems to me, more freedom than:  In this house, GF, stay in your hole until you are invited up. I know, it’s whatever the parties agree to.  But more basically, before negotiating, what would a reasonable person expect? I notice that the DIL’s mom comes in with her and even goes up to the third floor, and presumably into bedrooms.  Their excuse is that she is helping clean. I am autistic and about 12 years old socially.  I get along well with children and am profoundly depressed that I have been cut off from the GC’s.  (And God only knows what DIL has said to them about me.)  Other than socially, such as money management, I am an adult.  I’m usually good at spotting a scam, but I missed this one. Again, did I have unreasonable expectations?
  2. Since there is, apparently, still some interest in the old thread, "Do you find yourselves reverting back to past roles?" I've decided to open a new one... If your AC (adult child) has (ever) returned home to live - or if you've ever done so - do/did you find the roles shifting back to that of parent and minor child? If so, in what ways? And what do/did you do to "fix" that, if anything? (If you already posted about this in the old thread, please feel free to add more here if you'd like.)
  3. What do you think is the best way for parents and their AC/CIL to set boundaries if/when they move in together? And how easy - or hard - is it to make those boundaries stick?
  4. In recent years, these seems to have been an increase in multigenerational households, w/ 3 - sometimes 4 - generations living in one house. Or 2 generations of adults (parents and AC - adult children), w/ or w/o CIL (children-in-law) and kids. If you're in one of these situations, what do you think the pluses are, if any? The minuses?
  5. ... Or does multigenerational living change family dynamics? As I've said elsewhere, I'm reading Judith Viorst's book Alexander and the Wonderful, Marvelous. Excellent, Terrific Ninety Days., about  the time that her DS, Alexander,  and family moved in w/ Viorst and her DH for 3 months, while their own home was being renovated. In the book, a woman in a similar situation complains to Viorst about her DIL's "permissiveness" and what she feels is her GC's resulting "brattiness."  As the mom/MIL/GM explains, she "was aware" of this issue beforehand, but, apparently, didn't realize how deeply it would impact her when she was "exposed to twenty-one days of (it)"  Also, she sadly admits that it has "damaged" her "grandmotherly feelings" towards her GC though she hopes they will be restored after her DS and family move out again. So now I'm wondering, what's your take. Can multigenerational living lead to any shifts in family relationships and/or any changes of feeling? Are such changes usually for the better or the worse? And, if you will, do you have any ideas to prevent negative changes? Please feel free to draw on your own experience or observations...
  6. Does summer make it easier to have a few generations living in one home? Is there more "breathing space," so to speak, b/c people get out more? Or does it just bring more "issues" - you know, over whether or not to turn on the ac (air conditioning) or whether or not someone tracked sand into the house after a trip to the beach? Is it different in any way or more or less the same? 
  7. Another question prompted by the Viorst book about a DS and family moving in for an extended stay... What about privacy?  Sure, there are probably some common sense boundaries, such as not barging into each others' bedrooms. And there are some you (general) might deliberately establish w/ each other (as in, "You have your cookies and I have mine). But how about the freedom to have, say, a "bad hair day" in your own home w/o anyone but your spouse/SO knowing? Or being able to lounge around the house in your PJs and a worn but comfy old bathrobe? Or being able to argue w/ your spouse/SO w/o having to worry about who will hear? Or, for that matter, not having to hear your AC/CIL's fights in your own home? If you're living in a multigenerational household, have you simply sacrificed this type of privacy for now? Or have you found a way to deal w/ this issue? Or... ??
  8. If your adult son/daughter and family have been living in your home, how has it impacted the holiday season for you, if at all, this year? Same question if you're the one who has moved in w/ them. Or if you're an AC (adult child) or CIL dealing w/ one of these situations.
  9. If your AC (adult child/ren) and, perhaps, their family are living w/ you, how will that impact your T'giving, this year, if at all? Will you have a full house? Or will they and/or their kids, if any, be going elsewhere? Or ??
  10. We've talked about "coparenting" in this forum before, I know. But in MBear's recent thread in MIL Anon, "Money/Time decisions," a concern about "parenting w/... inlaws" instead of spouse came up and that raised the "coparenting" issue in my mind again.... Frequently, on these boards, "childrearing" has been defined as a combination of childcare and making major decisions regarding that child. As such, GPs have often been told that, no matter how much childcare they do, they're not "raising" their GC, unless they make major/parental decisions about them. Is "parenting" defined the same way or does it only involve taking care of the kids? How about "coparenting?" Does it mean "helping to raise" or simply "helping w/ childcare?"  IOWs, is a GP coparenting a child w/ the parent(s) if that GP makes some of the major decisions about raising that child? Or can we use that term even for GPs who watch their GC frequently and/or for long hours? Does it depend on whether or not the child is living full or part time in the GPs' home? Or... ?? What do you think? At what point does "babysitting"/"caregiving"/"helping out" become "coparenting," if ever?
  11. As we've discussed before, instead of AC (adult children), some of you have had your aging parents/PILs (parents-in-law) move into your home, due to economic or health reasons or both. And others of you are caring/helping to care for an aging parent/PIL or two, even if they still live in their own home or another relative's home.   So now I'm wondering, how is that working out? And do you see any changes happening in that situation in the coming year? Perhaps the elderly father, once so reluctant to relocate, is ready to sell his home and move into yours? Or the elderly and very ill MIL who has been living with you will take up residence in a skilled nursing facility? Or?? Please feel free to let us know, overall, how this situation is going...
  12. What Would YOU Say?

    If you had a friend who whose adult son or daughter was about to move back home and they were looking for advice on how to make things easier, what would you suggest? How about if you had a friend who was about to move back in with their parents?
  13. Hey, it's December, w/ its several holidays - Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Years and if you're one of our increasing members from Canada, the UK and other parts of the British Commonwealth, then, perhaps, Boxing Day, as well!   But whatever you celebrate (or don't), if your AC and family are living w/ you or you w/ them, what kind of holiday do you anticipate this year? Do you say, "the more the merrier" and enjoy having a full house during this season? Or do you find/expect it to be a little too hectic? Or, instead, will it be quieter than usual, as you all leave the home base to visit elsewhere? Or ??
  14. Has your adult son or daughter come home to live, along w/ their kids? If so, do you find that they respect/teach their children to respect your rules or do they disrupt/let their kids disregard them. Also, if you will, do you find yourself doing more childcare - or less - than you expected? And how do you feel about all this? ETA: How about financial issues? Do you expect them to contribute financially? And if so, do they follow through? ETA: Also, if you're the one who has moved in w/ your AC and family, how is that working out? And again, how do you feel about it?
  15. If your AC have come home to live, how do you divide household chores, if at all? Assign specific tasks to certain household members, depending on what they're good at or most willing to do? Rotate the chores, by day, week or month?   Same questions if you've moved into their home or if you're the AC in either of these situations. Or if you're another relative in a similar scenario.
  16. Is Thanksgiving easier or harder for you now that your AC (or AC and family) are right there? Do they help w/ the preparation, for example, or make it more difficult to get it done? Or does it not really matter b/c they/you will be going elsewhere for the holiday meal, anyhow? Or ??    
  17. What's the key...

    ... to making a multigenerational household work, in your opinion? Or is there one?
  18. Is it easier in the summer?

    Does summer make it easier to have a few generations living in one home? Is there more "breathing space," so to speak, b/c people get out more? Or does it just bring more "issues" - you know, over whether or not to turn on the ac (air conditioning) or whether or not someone tracked sand into the house after a trip to the beach?
  19. A Quiet Mother's Day...

    A quiet MD? Is it possible in a "full house?" Also, if you're a mom whose AC (or perhaps AC and family) have moved back in, are you anticipating a relaxing day, w/ more hands to do for you, such as, say, give you breakfast in bed? Or will it be more work for you? And are you more likely, do you think, to be taken out to dinner by your AC, etc. (since they're right there)? Or will meals probably be a matter of "business as usual?"
  20. Do you feel as if you're a "prisoner" in your own home since your AC (adult child) and family moved in? And if so, why? B/c they've made certain areas of your home (the parts where they now live) off-limits to you or off-limits at certain times of day? B/c they keep you at arms' length from your GC (grandchildren) even though they're living, right there, in your house? Or b/c, to the contrary, you babysit a lot but they won't let you leave the property with the kids or have your own friends over while you're watching the GC? Or ?? Whatever your frustrations are in this situation, please feel free to tell us about them below...   Or perhaps you and yours have managed to prevent, circumvent or resolve such problems? If so, please feel free to let us know how...    
  21. Is There a Move-Out Date?

    If your AC has come home to live w/ you, is their a deadline for them to move out? If not, would you like to set one? What do you think is the best way to go about doing that? And do you think it makes/would make it harder if their family is living w/ you, too?   If you have moved in w/ your AC or AC and family, is there a deadline for you to leave? How would you feel if they established one or asked you to do so w/ them?
  22. According to the Population Reference Bureau, over 5 million GC are living in households headed by GPs (see "Challenges for Grandchildren Raised by Grandparents in GPstaff'sblog http://community.grandparents.com/index.php/blog/2/entry-59-challenges-for-grandchildren-raised-by-grandparents  ) and about 4 million of those households include the parents, too. There are also, of course, some cases where the GPs have moved in with the parents and GC. If you live/have lived in a multigenerational household, please take the poll above and then tell us more about your situation, below. All others are also welcome to take the poll and discuss the phenomenon further below.   If you're living/have lived/have observed such a situation, please feel free to also tell us, if you can, how and why the living arrangement came about. Also how decision-making, cost-covering, household chores and/or childcare are/were divided up. The site only allows me to ask 3 questions in the poll, so please feel free to add any other questions that you think are relevant here in your post. Looking forward to hearing from you...
  23. The number of grandparents raising grandchildren has increased significantly, in recent times, as these boards have shown. The same, to some degree, with others raising relative kids, especially, aunts-and-uncles, and great-grandparents. Why do you think that is?   Please post your reply below. It can be long or short and please feel free to draw on your own experience or observations if you'd like.
  24. If your AC and family live w/ you or vice versa, do you get a chance to pass down cherished holiday traditions to your GC in December? Or, if this is a new situation, do you anticipate that you will?
  25. If you're AC (adult child) and family have moved in w/ you - or you w/ them - how do you think that will impact your T'giving? Will you have more people at your table or will they disperse, w/ AC and family going to see other relatives - ones they don't live w/? Or you taking off to see AC/other relatives that you don't live w/? And/or will you be expected to do a lot of the childcare during the holiday or the following weekend? Or will you do less of it than usual b/c you'll be too busy preparing for and hosting TG?   Or if you're a parent/AC/CIL in this situation, how will it impact your TG, if at all, as well as who takes care of your kids?