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  1. Is your relationship w/ your AC (adult children) and/or CIL (children-in-law) strained or broken? Or, conversely, do you have a strained  or broken relationship w/ your parents/PILs (parents-in-law)? Perhaps you find yourselves arguing or offending each other a lot? Or maybe you or they have cut back on contact? Perhaps you even fear you're on the verge of total estrangement? Or?? And, if you will, how does this impact the GP/GC relationship, if at all?
  2. I came across this today - Self Coaching 101 on the Life Coach School site. I don't know her name, didn't see it anywhere but she says, in a nutshell: Don't feel hurt by what other people say. 1. Acknowledge what the other person is doing. Separate out what the other person says or does. What they do is separate from you. What they do doesn't hurt your feelings. What they say doesn't hurt your feelings. What other people do doesn't affect you at all. Until... 2. Acknowledge what you are thinking and to acknowledge that, that is what hurt your feelings. You have a thought about it. What they say doesn't hurt. What hurts is your thinking. Your thoughts create your feelings. 3. Change your thinking. No matter what any one else says or does, you can have control over how you feel and what you decide to think on purpose. Thoughts?
  3. MIL has not spoken to me and child in about 5 years. Child and I were walking along the road and she passed us by. A couple of minutes later she turned around and came to us and was holding a coloring book out the car window. She said something about "thought you might like this, something? child's birthday something? blah, blah, blah." It's not even close to child's birthday. I replied, "No thanks" and we kept walking. Child said nothing and did not even look at her as we've been pretty much invisible to her for so long. I was civil and she didn't deserve even that much since she CO'd us about 5 years ago when we told her she needed to apologize for her hurtful treatment of us. After we'd moved on she mumbled "Guess not". No idea if she did not hear me or expected a response from child and did not like being ignored by child but we heard a loud slap, but we were not going to turn around to check. About 5 minutes later fil texts DH and myself. I had told DH what happened (he is 98% CO by MIL's choice, meaning she responds to him with nasty msgs or not at all, very rarely <1% in a positive way in the 5 or so years). We did not read the msg as we figured it would just be a nasty msg of MIL's lies to FIL and his nasty response to her version of what happened. After 5 years, I don't think it is reasonable for mil to think we would just suddenly be all "happy, so nice to see you!" I was shocked she stopped (it was like nothing ever happened and she hasn't ignored us for 5 years! and doesn't need to apologize for her hurtful behavior to us 5 years ago) so I had no idea how to respond to her. What would you have done? Said? So now the relationship is worse than it was before this happened, possibly, probably. Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44
  4. DH got a txt from FIL today saying DH's uncle had passed away (MIL's brother). He was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago but didn't tell PIL's. Today was the first they'd heard of it, upon hearing about his death. Of course it was FIL to let DH know instead of his own DuM. DH was surprised that his uncle didn't tell his folks. I responded, "I totally understand why he didn't." DH was surprised I said that and asked why. I told him they are known for not being nice to people. He replied, "No, they just don't get along with certain people." I didn't say, Yeah, you and their ONLY GD and everyone else they are jerks too ( which we've heard about and seen first hand). I was surprised the MIL's sister kept it from her (as they got along better- Aunt is the only sane/normalish one in the whole family) but if it was uncles wishes, what should she have done? It made me realize if something happened to DH they certainly wouldn't be in my top ten list of folks to call, IF I were to call them at all. Uncle and MIL are exactly alike, both play/ed the victim well. Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44
  5. Mediation ?'s

    I know what mediation is but can someone explain the process. I keep seeing the word in several threads now and would like to know more about it. FIL has asked us to go a couple of times now but we know MIL would never agree to it when it comes right down to it.
  6. I was reading another thread and have seen this several times. Why bother telling the TO person or CO person that you are doing that? Wouldn't a slow fade send the same message and then there is no confrontation, JADEing? Pros and Cons...?
  7. How Much Control?

    This is actually a spinoff of two other debate threads - "Trust" and "teens and birth control."  In both threads, the concern has been raised about parents trying to have control over their adolescent children's sex/dating/romantic lives. And in "teens and birth control" Tinka tells us how her DH's parents tried to shame him for having relations w/ a GF in college. Awful, IMO!   Yet, I'm sure most of us have knowm/heard of parents who caught their high school-aged teen "making out" (or whatever the expression is today, lol) w/ someone and angrily broke it up. Are such parents out-of-bounds? How about parents who say, "No BFs/GFs till your 16/18/finished w/ college/etc?" Where do/would you draw the line?   Does age make a difference? Does it matter that I'm talking about high schoolers, whereas Tink's DH was in college? In your opinion, does/should a parent's level of control over their teen's sex/dating/romantic life change, depending on the teen's age? And when do adolescents become fully in charge of their own sex/dating/romantic lives - at 18? the age of consent in your/their state (which is often 16 or 17)? when they're self-supporting? or??   And, if you will, is location a factor? Familymatters pointed out in Trust that some parents would rather have their teens have sex in their home than somewhere else. Yet, she, herself, feels that her moral rules must prevail in her home whether someone is "16 or 26."    Please feel free to respond to as many or as few of these questions as you'd like...
  8. A little history:  My DIL and son have been married nearly 20 years.  My son always took me out to eat on Mother's Day and my birthday.  He never forgets even now Mother's Day and my Birthday. But over the time since he married these times have stopped.  I have two grandchildren 11 and 13.  Most of the time they all come over on those days.  We live close to each other.  My DIL is extremely close to her parents and she and her mother are truly "joined at the hip".  I truly have no problem with that but just throw me a few morsels of time with my GC.  My GC spent at least half the time with her parents up until now.  As my GC were growing up her parents had not retired and I was called upon to take care of them only while they were at work.  That was mostly when I saw my GC and spent time with them.  Maybe once per month or two they would come over for an overnight visit.  When I would visit their home on occasion and I mean rarely, I never felt welcome even by my own son.  My visits were for my grandchildren and DIL and son rarely talk to me, never asking questions about my life or what was going on.  I tried to ask them about theirs but could get little or no information.  My grandchildren loved spending time with me and my husband.  Now that her parents have retired we are never asked to pick them up and whenever we ask if they can come over, there is always some excuse.  They are very busy kids, but I'm only asking for a little time each month.    It is obvious to me that instead of encouraging them to visit and have a relationship with us, they are being discouraged. It makes me so sad and I don't want to give up.  As I have read some of the problems here, some replies have even been "don't go where you are not wanted".  But I can't give up on my GC.  I can even tell that they don't even want to spend time with us.  I realize their age has something to do with their feeling that way but I think mainly it is DIL and her mother trying to control things.  Any help or thoughts would be appreciated.    
  9. Often an OP will, among other things, describe their extended family as being closely involved with each other and ready to stand up for each other, etc. And just as often, some posters caution them that they are "enmeshed." Frequently, too, they or other posters argue that they are, instead, simply a very "close" or "strong" family. But others argue back, "No, you're enmeshed!"   Often such an OP will tell us and even seem to take pride in the fact that several members of their family have spoken up for them, regarding a member they're having trouble with. But some posters, here will counter with phrases such as, "Flying Monkeys" and again, "enmeshment!"   Is there no such thing as a strong family? Or if there is, what do you think that means? And where is the point, if any, where family strength or closeness becomes enmeshment?
  10. How to Control Teenagers?

    In the thread called "Teenaged Drivers & Accidents, " a few posters talked about the need for parents to restrict adolescent driving and/or their decision not to let their kids drive till 18 and according to rules that they establish, over and above state laws. As much as I appreciate and respect those ideas, I'm wondering how easy it would be to enforce them? How can parents be sure, for example, that their teen doesn't "try" driving a friend's car, now and then, licensed or not? And how can they be certain that, despite a "no-passenger" rule, their teen doesn't just drive around the corner or down the block and pick up their friends away from the eyes of either set of parents?   But I'm not just talking about driving in this thread. I'm wondering to what extent people here think they can ( or could, if the teen years are in the past) control their teens when they're "out of sight" and how they would go/went about it? And do you think parents need to consider the various ways teens could get around a rule b4 they make it? Or do they need to make the rule, in spite of such possibilities?
  11. Have you seen the GP.com article on communicating with your (general) spouse? It's called, "How to Get Your Husband to Listen to You" and is among the sliding headlines on the Home Page. You can also find it by clicking on this link:   http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/dating-marriage-and-sex/how-to-get-your-husband-to-listen   Thoughts anyone (guys, too)?
  12. Actually, this one may not be all that uncommon. So perhaps I shouldn't have pegged it as a "special problem." But does your spouse/fiance(e)/SO resent the time and attention you give the GC/relative children you take care of? Please feel free to discuss below...     ETA: This is one of 4 threads about problems that may be specific to certain caregivers. The others include "Special Needs Grandchildren or Other Relative Kids,' "The Balancing Act" and "The Other Relative Caregivers," all further down the page.
  13. Hey everyone,  Sorry to be a downer so early in the morning but I really need help on this subject. I will try to make this as simple as possible.  Hopefully you can follow along and let me know if I am in the right. I am a single Grandma who will be 50 in a few months.    My daughter and her husband have been living with me for about two years.  My grandbaby was born in June (unplanned pregnancy.. Long medical reasons why and too personal to go into).  She is my joy and I love her being in my home.  However, this economy has hit me really hard,  I went from full time to part time, lost all of my benefits and my home is in foreclosure.  I am trying to move from Florida to Texas and I wanted the kids to move with me.  However my son-in-law whom I love very much is driving us crazy by being so undecisive.  His entire family lives in Texas with the exception of his controling drug addicted mother and his dead beat father.  He has a job but has been passed over positions and promised many things but have never come to fruition. Now he says he wants to stay to see if his job will allow him to go to college but my daughter and I think it is because he doesn't want to leave his mom.   Now, they do pay rent, I make them pay 600 a month (which is only the cost of utilities divided by three people, so my half would be 300)  this is due to my daughter being a stay at home mom. (by the way she is my only child)   My daughter and I have always had a super tight relationship but lately it has been strained.  You see, I only have a few months left in my house but I am still covering most of their debt. Although I understand my daughters reasoning behind staying home it is not my responsibility to cover the bills.   Basically I am paying for all of the food and animal care for their 5 animals and my two.  My son in law has been offered a job for $10 an hour to work with his uncle in Texas and learn to be an electrician but he refused.  My daughter wants to be an opthamologist but her hubby said she needs to find a career now.  I see his point but I see hers as well.  I told her to become an assistant then work in a doctors office while she is going to school.  He said she would not make enough that she should become an Medical Assistant as they make about 17 or more an hour.  She doesn't want to do that as she thinks it would be a waste of time to learn all that then it would take her longer to get her degree.  But  thinks she might want to go the route of being an assistant to eye doctor (I think they make about 12 an hour?)   Anyway, they have been back and forth about moving what jobs they want, school etc.  The school thing is being pushed by his grandmother in Texas and my ex.  I agree that they need to go to school but not on my dine.  I need to make a decision... and soon, as I am out of money and out of time.  So I told her last night that they cannot keep telling me they are moving out then they move the date back still only pay me 600.  I am not surviving.  I told them they can either move out by the 1st of September or the rent will be increased to include food and care of the animals plus the car insurance of 120.00 a month that I was paying for my daughter will stop and they will have to get their own.  I told her this will save me about 513 or so a month.  right now I have about 3 to 6 months before the foreclosure is done.  I have no savings, nothing. (the reason I have no savings as I have tried to save my house twice)  There is so much wrong with my home that I cannot afford the repairs anymore.  I feel like such a failure but I have to move on and keep stepping forward and stop looking back.   My daughter is 20 and her husband is 24.  Very young indeed.  But I am not sure how to handle this whole thing.   I don't want my daughter to waste more time on college then she has to and I think that the Assistant to eye doctor would be the best way to go but her husband is pushing her to MA.  Now, he already has an MA degree but got turned down because a woman got the job and hasn't applied for anything else.  I told him that was a womans field, but just like us women, working in corporate america, which is a mans world, that just means you need to be better.  He refuses to try said they didn't teach him billing and insurance so no one will hire him.  Now he wants to go to school for PRN (which is like CNA or LPN) which would take him 18 months to complete the training.  However he has not gone because he is the breadwinner of the family.  I said so work and go to school but apparently at these types of school it is an all day event.   I am afraid I am going to lose my daughter and her family if I am too harsh.  I cry about this nightly, but reality is reality and I cannot support them on a 35k a year salary.  (I used to make 50k)   The economy in this country expecially in Florida has made my life a living nightmare and I thought if I move to another state I might be able to find work. (moving from florida to texas).  I want them to come with me as I think it would be good for him to be away from his mom, his family is willing to help them (his grandmother is an ear doctor) but I don't think he will leave his mother as she told him she would commit suicide or go back on drugs if they left.   I don't have enough funds saved as I keep trying to dig them out of a hole as I don't want my granddaughter and daughter to live on the street or in a getto area but with him only making 10 a hour how can he support them?  If she gets a job and pays 300 a week for infant care how will that help anything.  Were do my financial needs come into play.  Should I raise the rent? Should I kick them out? tell them to skip school? Any suggestions ?  I can give more dynamics of the family if you need further info I was just trying to keep it short. 
  14. Hello everyone - I am a new member!   I am 65, employed professionally, have 2 married daughters and 2 grandchildren. I am very fortunate to live near my grandchildren. They are also very close to their aunt, my younger daughter, who now lives in another country (not third world by any means). She has traveled for years, often twice a year to see her nephews. Now I want to take one or both boys - ages 9 and 12 - to see their aunt for a week, thinking it would be a wonderful experience. I've offered to take the entire family, but because there is tension between the sisters ( my two daughters) the trip keeps getting put off from year to year.  I don't know if it will ever happen. It's making some of us very sad. Any advice? Am I being unreasonable? Are the children old enough or is older a better time?   Does anyone know how many grandparents travel with their grandchildren in the U.S. - and how many of those because the parents work or otherwise can't go?   Thank you for any suggestions and advice! Bastet
  15. Drawbacks and Rewards

    As the saga of my nanny grannying continued, I discovered there were many pluses and minuses. The minuses are easy to count off... Less time for socializing with friends, other family and even DH... Less chance for DH and me to travel, as "just us" (we've taken a few short, weekend trips, gone to a couple of out-of-town weddings, but that's it, except for vacations with extended family)....Less chance to be that GM who "spoils the kids and sends them home" (or goes home herself). YDD and I decided, early on, that I needed to implement the same discipline as she would. After all, since the kids were going to be with me a lot, I needed to be able to control them, for safety reasons. And I was bound, we both agreed, to have some influence on their attitudes about "the world." Then there's that other problem - the fatigue! Almost every GP caregiver I know find themselves exhausted at the end of a day (or evening) of "grandchildcare" and I'm no exception! (Somewhere, in Grandparents Caring for Grandkids, we have 2 whole threads dedicated to this issue, alone!) It's a matter of "happy-tired," no doubt, but tired, just the same! Perhaps, someday, Future Reader, if you're there the world will have a safe and healthy energy pill or drink that GPs and other older relative caregivers can use to help them avoid this syndrome. But, for now, most such caregivers that I know, just except being "always exhausted!" But the rewards, as I also, soon found out, are "legion." First - and I'm humbled when I realize it - I know I enjoy the privilege of having a lot of time with my DGC, more than many GPs, especially those who live at a distance from their GC or are, unfortunately estranged. And as a result, it's easier for me to form close ties with them (I know LDGPs can, too, it's just easier for us caregivers, IMO). As some of my LDGP friends have pointed out to me, my DGC will "really get to know" me - an idea that's already been proven, time and time again, when DGD, for instance, announces, matter-of-factly, "Grammie likes velcros better than buttons!" (True though I'm sure I'm not the only one.) And I would add, vice versa, at least, at this time in their lives. Apparently, many of my friends place a high premium on these perks. So much so that if I voice even the smallest complaint about "loss of socializing" or whatever, they retort, "You have no problem!" That same additional time affords me another reward - a greater chance to have an impact on my DGC. To some extent this is scary ( huge responsibility with someone else' children). But it's also compelling (ahah! a chance to teach them something YDD doesn't have time for, etc.) Trust me, I would never try to teach them anything that didn't coincide with YDD's values or that she wanted to teach them herself. But she's cool with my introducing them to such natural and simple wonders as the delights of dandelions! And she's ok with my encouraging stronger bonds between then as brother and sister, even though she isn't as passionate about that goal as I am. The greatest rewards, however, are the little "daily" ones - the hugs, kisses and adorable smiles of my little granddolls. And the sweet, loving comments that come out of their mouths, often when you least expect it. Like the other day, as I was leaving their house (where I watch them) and DGS (who, of course, would choose his mom over me, any day, if he had to) piped up, saying, "Stay Grammie. I want you to stay. Even when I'm at school, I want you to stay here."