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JustaGrandma

To spank or not to spank?

85 posts in this topic

Spare the rod and spoil the child or does spanking teach a child hitting is okay when you are mad?

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I would not spank ever.  When all of them were younger though I might have slapped their hand away from a hot stove or grabbed them hard to prevent them from running out in the street.  So, in short, I only put my hands on them if I felt there was a safety issue.

 

Once I debated spanking with a good friend of mine & was enlightened when she told me that her parents spanked, but not in anger.  I had always assumed spankers lost their temper & spanked the child right then & there while they were angry.  Her parents didn't do that, they would talk about whatever she did & then say the consequences were 3 spankings or whatever.  She didn't see the harm in it & said as a child she would have rather taken the 3 spanks rather than lose tv priveleges or a week being grounded.

 

Personally, I don't really see what good comes out of it either way.  But I prefer to know that there are those who spank that do it with a clear head.  Spankers who do it out of anger scare me as a grown woman, I can't imagine what their own kids feel.

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Most parents I see will threaten the kid do you want a spanking they are agree at the moment, when they swat the kid even if it's not much of a swat. What I see is anger motivated. Conform or else.

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Justa, that's what I normally see too.  It bothers me.  Before talking to my friend, I didn't realize that there were some spankers who do it a different way & not in anger.

 

I have seen that threaten to spank a lot in public.  There is one time I will never forget, when picking my kids up from school, another parent was informed by the teacher that her son had acted out that day.  The parent flipped out and grabbed the child by his collar & said you know what's happening when you get home, the boy started sobbing.  I couldn't get that boy out of my head & what was possibly happening to him at home.  I still cry when I think about it, like now.  :(

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Spare the rod spoil the child is a false choice, as there are about 100 other ways you can go about raising a balanced, well behaved child without spanking.

 

I never spanked my kids.  I just didn’t have it in me.  It seemed a very unnatural act to do to my child.  My DH did not spank either.  However, both of us were disciplined with a belt and spankings as a child.  I remember as a little girl thinking how wrong it was when my dad took the belt to me and telling myself I would never do that to my kid.


So far, our kids seem to be well adjusted and mannered.   Although, my ODD (who is 16) insists on wearing cowboy boats with her martial arts uniform.  She says it’s a good look, although her instructor disagrees.  I am not sure if that’s a sign of being spoiled or a teen just trying to find her way.



 

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No spanking here. Here is what confuses me: I am pretty sure 99% of people would agree that it is wrong for one adult to hit another adult (except in self defense) but some say it is okay for an adult to hit a child. I will never understand that. I don't see how anyone could say that spanking is the BEST way to discipline. One could argue that it is not harmful (I disagree) but how can it be thought of as the best possible way to handle a child?

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I'm starting to think I probably don't belong on this site because my opinions and ideas seem so much different than most  everyone here. However, I did spank my children, not the mad, crazed, arms flying type of spanking that I have seen portrayed by some  "non spankers", but if they knowingly and willfully  disobeyed I didn't hesitate to tear up that backside. They are both grown, responsible adults with no ill will or "hard feelings" towards my or my husband. They respected us, they respected other adults (teachers, neighbors etc). It worked for us. I am not telling anyone that is the "BEST way to discipline" their children, but for us it worked.

Before anyone gets the impression my kids were "beat" for every infratction, that isn't the case, but yes for us spanking worked.

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I think, on this topic, we either go with what we grew up with, or we go the opposite.  Mamaw of 2, don' t leave just because opinions differ.  If we all thought the same thing, we'd have nothing to talk about!

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I think, on this topic, we either go with what we grew up with, or we go the opposite. Mamaw of 2, don' t leave just because opinions differ. If we all thought the same thing, we'd have nothing to talk about!

I disagree with your first sentence. I was spanked as a child and I do not believe in spanking. There are so many other ways to discipline a child that I do not see the need for spanking. I can't imagine willingly causing my child to feel pain. It makes me sad to think about it.

Now, I do agree with your second part. Mamaw, we all have different opinions. Please don't leave because of that.

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I stated an either/or statement, Keri.  We learn what we live or react to it and do things differently. 

 

I don't like spanking, ever.  I see no reason for it to ever be an option.  That doesn't mean I don't see that others learned that it's ok because they lived it or saw it happen and didn't learn the options.

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I stated an either/or statement, Keri. We learn what we live or react to it and do things differently.

I don't like spanking, ever. I see no reason for it to ever be an option. That doesn't mean I don't see that others learned that it's ok because they lived it or saw it happen and didn't learn the options.

Oops, sorry about that! I don't know how I missed that.

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I'm starting to think I probably don't belong on this site because my opinions and ideas seem so much different than most  everyone here. However, I did spank my children, not the mad, crazed, arms flying type of spanking that I have seen portrayed by some  "non spankers", but if they knowingly and willfully  disobeyed I didn't hesitate to tear up that backside. They are both grown, responsible adults with no ill will or "hard feelings" towards my or my husband. They respected us, they respected other adults (teachers, neighbors etc). It worked for us. I am not telling anyone that is the "BEST way to discipline" their children, but for us it worked.

Before anyone gets the impression my kids were "beat" for every infratction, that isn't the case, but yes for us spanking worked.

 

You belong here.  Just because you're the lone wolf in one discussion doesn't mean you're not.  And this group on the site just got started, so hopefully they'll be more posters in here soon.  My opinions aren't always mainstream here either, but I find reading others views challenging.

 

Your POV on spanking is similar as my friends that I spoke about up thread.  And I think you're right, many "non spankers" have the view that spanking is done by parents in a fit of anger.  I am curious to hear more on your take on spanking as discipline that is not done in anger.  Like I said, the talk with my friend opened up my eyes.  So you have a place to do it here for others too.

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My parents spanked me and my brother.  They never did it in anger.  They always sent us to our rooms so they could calm down and they never hit us more than 5 or 6 times.  They hit us with either their hands or belts.  My mother also slapped us if she felt we were saying something disrespectful or if we used bad language.  They hit us until we were around 6th grade age.  I hated being hit.  It was degrading, humiliating and made me feel small, disrespected and powerless.  DH and I never want our son to feel that way so we decided not to spank. 

 

The other reasons we don't spank are because we feel that it is inconsistent and hypocritical to tell our son that he should not hit people and then turn around and hit him.  I think there is a danger that if I hit my child what I will really be teaching him is that hitting other people is okay.  My mom tried to teach me not to hit people but I still went through a period when I was in 5th or 6th grade where I slapped people when they said things I did not like.  I was mimicking what my mom did to me.  I had to learn the hard way not to hit other people.  I lost friends and got in trouble because of it.  I have also noticed that my niece (who my brother and SIL spank on occasion) will spank her dolls.  She will also come tell me if my son does something she does not like and tell me I should hit him. 

 

I think there are much more effective methods of discipline that do not involve physical violence.  In fact, I think my mother's most effective disciplinary methods were much more creative and did not involve hitting. 

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I did 'swat' my 3 yr old on the backside when he kept ignoring me telling him to not climb up on the back of the sofa...it did get his attention and that was all I was trying to do.

 

There is a world of difference between a 'swat' and a 'whupping'.  I never 'whipped' my kids.

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I honestly don't ever remember spanking my daughter (not saying I haven't but there just isn't an instance that stands out), my son...he was my push the limits, what can I get away with, class clown kind of kid. He got his fair share LOL. Lying and getting in trouble in school would be the main things that I would spank for. I don't like lying (really who does lol) but that was a hot button in our family. 

For me...again just for me....spanking was more effective  and if I am totally honest in some ways easier on me. (I'm sure I'll get jumped on however, it is  what it is..or maybe was what it was since my kids are now grown LOL) I had friends that would tell their children  "go to your room until your Dad gets home". We were a military family, Dad might not be home in a few weeks, a few months or a year...and very many nights not home until the kids were well in bed. Grounding them or taking away a fun activity could very much effect the whole family. If DS was grounded then that means one of us needed to be home, and family time especially with a military family is literally precious! If we have plans to go hiking at a nearby waterfall, or a family day at the beach and someone was grounded that effective ALL of us. Our precious family time was shattered, spanking  took care of the issue at the exact moment and we could move on. Now if there was a favorite TV program or ice cream from the ice cream truck,....I can take those away without them affecting the family as a whole unit. But that wasn't always a viable option for us. I believe the last time my son really had a "spanking" was in the 7th grade, he was probably a little old at that time too, but he got in trouble in school (alabama still has corporal punishment in schools too by the way), so he got spanked at home. After that he was in JV sports at school and making him set out of friday games or practices were very effective, along with losing car keys etc as the years went on. lol

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I don't have time to really respond, but just so you know you're not alone mamaw of 2...we spank.

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I'm not a fan of spanking, for all the reasons that PPs have stated here. But I know I spanked or gave my girls a swat a few times when they were little. This was usually on those (fortunately rare) occasions when I had "tried everything else" and just didn't seem to be getting through. And I felt I needed to do something to "get their attention," as Sue mentioned.  I have other ideas now. But at that time, as a last resort, spanking was sometimes the only thing I could think of to correct the behavior. It was done out of concern, not anger, but, looking back,  I still don't think it was the best choice.

 

Also, back then, everyone I knew said you "had to" spank a child who ran into the street so that they would remember to never do it again. Each of my DDs got spanked once, for that reason.

 

YDD has rarely ever so much as swatted one of her kids. And she doesn't let anyone else do so (neither did DH and I) so I couldn't spank them even if I wanted to. But again, now I have other ideas (some learned from YDD).

 

YDD won't even spank for running into the street. The consequence for that is being removed from the activity or not allowed to participate the next time. This was very effective with DGD, who, like my girls, only made that mistake once. It took a few instances to get through to DGS. Would spanking have been any more effective? IDK.

 

Mamaw, I hear you about some consequences affecting the whole family, in the end. But clearly, you thought out these decisions - you didn't just spank to vent your anger.

 

Meanwhile, I want to echo PPs in saying that not everybody has to share the same opinions to post here. Especially not on this debate board! Happy to have you here! Welcome! :)

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I was spanked as a child but only when I needed it and just with the hand. I didn't like it but it did get my attention.

I only remember spanking DS once when he ran into the street and that was a couple swats with my hand.

When GD was about one I saw a cute timeout stool with a timer so I bought it for her, my DS just laughed and said I was her GM and was supposed to be on her side.  I told him I knew her Dad and they were going to need it.

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I have spanked my daughters when they were little and I spank my granddaughters on the bottom. (I am raising my granddaughters.)  I usually use a ruler and swat maybe 0ne, two or three times depending how hard my swat was.   I do not spank when I am angry .Before there is punishment I usually put them in my lap and I always talk about what they did that was wrong. I let them talk to me and explain why they did what they did if they are able. I tell them that I love them.   I tell them that it made me sad when the did what they did and I want them to remember that they should not do this.  I do not always spank. I try to think of other ways that might be more appropriate to discipline that may make a better impact.  Like for example one of GD's got something that I had told her not to get. Then I would then take it away and put the object in time out for maybe a few days.  If the two  GD's are fussing over the toy sometimes neither got it depending on the situation.  I try not to spank more than I need to.  Sometimes I do not think of an appropriate punishment that fits the offense.  It seems better for a few swats and then it is done and we can continue on in whatever is going on.  I do not spank very often.  I always tell them that I love them.  Of course, I tell them I love them other times  without any misbehavior going on.  On a few occasions I got very frustrated with them and I told them that I was going to think about how they acted and I was going to think about what I was gong to do.  Usually I would give a consequence that didn't involve spanking.  My grandchildren are good children and I do not have to be too tough on them.  Yet, they are kids and do misbehave.  Many  times just telling them how sad that I am makes them feel sorry about how they were acting and then that will be all that is needed. 

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I disciplined my daughter once and she told my neighbor who was my friend that she wished I had just spanked her and got it over with.

 

There is a difference between spanking and abuse.

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I disciplined my daughter once and she told my neighbor who was my friend that she wished I had just spanked her and got it over with.

 

There is a difference between spanking and abuse.

 

I agree that there is a difference between spanking and abuse.  My parents spanked us and I never thought it was abuse.  They never did it in anger and were always very controlled about it.  Even so, I still don't like the idea of hitting my son.  Plus, I think there are other ways to effectively discipline.  I think some of the most effective disciplinary measures my mom used did not involve spanking.  When we got older and we misbehaved my mom used to make us weed this hill we had in our front yard or weed our large back yard.  This was absolutely not fun at all.  Being outside all day in the hot son pulling weeds sucked and it sure taught us not to repeat the misbehavior.  I also remember when my brother and I were fighting nonstop with eachother and nothing was working to get us to stop she tied us together and it shocked us into actually talking and complaining about her.  It certainly got us to stop fighting. 

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I agree that there is a difference between spanking and abuse.  My parents spanked us and I never thought it was abuse.  They never did it in anger and were always very controlled about it.  Even so, I still don't like the idea of hitting my son.  Plus, I think there are other ways to effectively discipline.  I think some of the most effective disciplinary measures my mom used did not involve spanking.  When we got older and we misbehaved my mom used to make us weed this hill we had in our front yard or weed our large back yard.  This was absolutely not fun at all.  Being outside all day in the hot son pulling weeds sucked and it sure taught us not to repeat the misbehavior.  I also remember when my brother and I were fighting nonstop with eachother and nothing was working to get us to stop she tied us together and it shocked us into actually talking and complaining about her.  It certainly got us to stop fighting. 

 

I agree. Spanking worked on the kids when they were younger. When they got older they needed other forms of discipline.

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When my daughters were older I would take  privileges away that they enjoyed. Stereo, television, etc.  I also would give them extra dish washing chores and other chores.  We didn't have a dishwasher then.   I like the idea of having to have to do work outside. I didn't think of this when my girls were older.  When my daughters were being unkind to the other I would have them to write 25 good things about the other sister.  This always seemed to work well.

 

brito, I laughed when I read your post about tying the you and your brother together.  I can just see that now.  I wonder if my daughters would have been worse if they had been tied together.  It would have been funny to see what would have happened.  Sometimes they seemed like cats and dogs fighting. 

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I would only spank my child if she did something like run into the street, or similar, i.e. over a safety issue where a lesson needed to be learnt real quick. I was whipped as a child, often as a first resort, and I found it humiliating. I think it's humiliating even if it's not a first resort or a "whipping". That's my issue with spanking.

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I would spank for reaching for a hot stove or running into the street...other than that I feel like its teaching "might makes right" and someone being bigger/older than you gives them the right to hurt you. I Never want my children to believe this (particularly my daughters)

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