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JustaGrandma

To spank or not to spank?

85 posts in this topic

I was SPANKED as a child, in fact all the way up into my teens I was slapped. That being said, NO I DID NOT SPANK MY CHILDREN. Maybe a swat on the butt when getting into something that would injure them, but I was spanked or I can actually say BEAT so I told my SO I just can not do that to our children.  

 

He on the other hand could give our son a spanking now and then, but not that that it hurt very much. He couldn't hit the girls ever. .

 

I just don't thinking teaching a child by hitting them is the way to go. I was a very shy timid little girl, teenager, and Adult most of my life. I some times think that was part of the reason. It was easier or safer to keep my mouth shut.Funny though, my older sister and brother were never beat like I was, took a lot of therapy to work on that on.  

 

Sorry long winded again, NO I'm against it, didn't do it, and I DON'T EVER hit my Grand-children.

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Understood. Well stated, Godsgifts. 

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Each of mine received a spanking - once.  They never seemed to need it again.  And yes, it was for running away from me in a parking lot, or running into the street in front of the house, or putting themselves in a dangerous situation.  It was a quick swat or two and we were done.  And if they ever got that look in their eyes again, I only had to give them the "look" and point a finger.  They were boys, they were noisy, smelly, clumsy creatures - but they were respectful and pretty much stayed out of trouble.

 

Each of them also received a good smack across the jaw when they were in their teens - we could go toe to toe arguing but then they dropped the "really bad word" I slugged them.  They each had the nerve to use the word once.

 

I guess I always wondered why the oldest didn't tell the others not to do it.  Then again, he was the one laughing in the background.

 

I've had my issues over the years, but now, I guess I did OK with them.  They cannot understand why some of their peers don't do more spanking to the "little angels" they are raising. 

 

My granddaughter is not spanked, not my job.  I put her in time out if she acts up when she is with me.  Her parents don't spank, but I sometimes wonder if a quick swat would be better than a 1/2 hour lecture on "good manners" - when I see her rolling her eyes, I know they have lost her.

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My granddaughter is not spanked, not my job.  I put her in time out if she acts up when she is with me.  Her parents don't spank, but I sometimes wonder if a quick swat would be better than a 1/2 hour lecture on "good manners" - when I see her rolling her eyes, I know they have lost her.

My laugh out loud of the evening.  thank you.

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In my opinion, a "rod" is used to guide, not to strike To spare the rod would indicate no guidance for sheep or in this case children. A rod can be used to nudge in the right direction, redirect their path,guide them away from danger or pull them to you, No, I do not spank my grandchildren, but I do look for every opportunity to correct, protect and guide them in the right direction.

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I have spanked... When my middle grandchild left my side in a store, she got a swat on the butt and I have not had to tell her again. When my youngest grandchild threw themselves down in a tantrum in the middle of the street, I swatted the behind.  I believe that if the action warrants a swat on the butt by golly they are going to get one. Have we not learned anything about handling discipline with a kid glove during these last two generations? I am old school and though I am firmly against "beating",  a neccessary swat on the tush should be delivered and a conversation done in love of untolerable behavior should follow.  

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I haven't read all of the submissions due to the fact that I'm at a restaurant using their free wifi and they will be closing soon.  So I will get right to my point.  I agree with Mamaw of 2.  Yes, I smacked my children's fingers and they learned quickly that certain things were off limits.  I never went the route where I would put my stuff out of reach.  If an item got broken, their rear ends got a swat, I glued it back together set it back in the same spot or threw it away if it was damaged too badly.

 

My children were never put in time-out to think over what they did.  They were too young to understand their actions, but as they got older, there was no problems because they knew if they did wrong...consequences followed.  Now I see my grandchildren screaming at the top of their voices when they don't get their way.  They are sent to time-out and they continue to scream...that's good parenting?  Not in my book.  Watching a child run around a restaurant instead of sitting with their siblings and parents drives me up a wall.  It's NOT going to hurt their self-esteem to have to follow directions correctly.

 

This world has gotten so screwed up; a perfect example:  When I was coming back from overseas, I had my oldest two children in harnesses (child leashes).  People would come up to me and tell me that I was cruel for treating my two toddlers as dogs.  10 years later, I used the very same harnesses on my youngest two...people would come up to me and ask where I got them because they wanted to have their children safe while walking.

 

This is just another phase gone extreme.  Parents can discipline their children with a crack on their "sit-upons" without being child abusers; just as some use time-out and the child grasps the why.  All of my children AND their spouses know that if they want this grandmother to "babysit" the children go by my rules.  A crack on the butt for misbehavior and a hug and a kiss for being the best grandchildren in the world.  It's not really amazing that my grandchildren NEVER scream when they do not get their way in my home.  They know I mean business and know the rules are there for their safety and mine. 

 

My grandchildren love to come and cry when they have to leave because they have a safe, happy and fun-filled environment with very little correcting.

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Never hit people and children are people...there is never a reason to hit a child...I am amazed at the justifications ...

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Welcome those of you who are new to the Community area and The Great Debate! So glad you came in and shared your opinions and experiences with us!

 

For reasons of greater privacy, those of you who have your email addy and/or your full name in your username might wish to change it. If so, please click on http://www.grandparents.com/profile and change it where shown. (You'll have to log out and log back in to see the change).

 

@ uarew - Many of your points are well-taken, IMO. But just to set your mind at ease, the fact that a child screams while in TO (time out), isn't necessarily a problem (except for those who have to listen to it!) if they don't "get out of" it b/c of their screams. In fact, my DD (dear daughter) will lengthen the TO if her child carries on about it, until they're quiet (I've learned to do that, too). That way they learn that complaining about the consequence just prolongs it. You may feel that a few swats will have the same effect - quicker. But DD is opposed to spanking so this is how she handles it.

 

How wonderful that your GC (grandchildren) so enjoy being in your home. And if that's where you babysit them - and I get the impression it is - then I totally understand the fact that your rules prevail. I'm a little surprised to hear, though, that the parents also accept the idea that the methods used to enforce those rules will also be your choice. I'm not  criticizing you - I just think that a lot of parents would draw the line at that part. IMO, you are very lucky! But maybe it's b/c they know their kids are safe with you and have such a great time!

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Another great way to prevent a child from leaving your side is to explain why they need to hold your hand and stay next to you. I tell my son when we are walking and he is holding my hand that if he let's go another person can take him away from me and he won't see me again and I would be sad. I have never had to hit him - not even a swat. And he's never let go of my hand and run off when I explain it to him like that.

I think if you don't move temptations out of reach for children when they are at the age to grab and explore and you are setting them up for failure and to be hit.

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I think it's interesting how many kids get swat for crossing the street unaccompanied by an adult.   Isn't that really on the adult for not properly supervising the kid?   Do you swat yourself after you've swat your kid?   How does that work exactly?

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I haven't read all of the submissions due to the fact that I'm at a restaurant using their free wifi and they will be closing soon.  So I will get right to my point.  I agree with Mamaw of 2.  Yes, I smacked my children's fingers and they learned quickly that certain things were off limits.  I never went the route where I would put my stuff out of reach.  If an item got broken, their rear ends got a swat, I glued it back together set it back in the same spot or threw it away if it was damaged too badly.

 

I think this is just setting the children up to fail.  It's so much easier and makes more sense to place things out of reach - remove the temptation so to speak.  I don't understand why people don't do that instead of leaving things out that will attract the little ones and get broken.  Why hit a child if there is another easier and less violent method to teach?   I've never understood that. 

 

My children were never put in time-out to think over what they did.  They were too young to understand their actions, but as they got older, there was no problems because they knew if they did wrong...consequences followed.  Now I see my grandchildren screaming at the top of their voices when they don't g, tet their way.  They are sent to time-out and they continue to scream...that's good parenting?  Not in my book.  Watching a child run around a restaurant instead of sitting with their siblings and parents drives me up a wall.  It's NOT going to hurt their self-esteem to have to follow directions correctly.

 

Just because a child is not hit does not mean they run wild in public.  I have never hit my 2 year old and I do not allow him to be disruptive.  I've learned that if I pay attention to his cues and not keep him going when he's clearly tired and cranky then I don't have as many issues with him acting out.  It's also easier and gentler to remove him from a restaurant if he's being loud or disruptive.  I feel that you don't have to hit children to teach them how to behave in public.  DH and I always take our son with us when we go out to dinner and if we have reasonable expectations, go early, take entertainment for him, and don't expect him to sit through a 2 hour dinner things usually go pretty well.  We usually get lots of compliments on his behavior because DS is a bit of a flirt and always manages to charm the waitstaff.  The small handful of times he's gotten disruptive have been when we've pushed it too late and he's tired or dinner takes too long.  In those situations we remove him so he can calm down and so he doesn't disrupt the rest of the people in the restaurant.  There's no need to hit him. 

 

This world has gotten so screwed up; a perfect example:  When I was coming back from overseas, I had my oldest two children in harnesses (child leashes).  People would come up to me and tell me that I was cruel for treating my two toddlers as dogs.  10 years later, I used the very same harnesses on my youngest two...people would come up to me and ask where I got them because they wanted to have their children safe while walking.

 

Not sure how that is an example of how things are screwed up.  I don't think harnesses are abusive.  I used one on my son before I managed to teach him to hold my hand. 

 

This is just another phase gone extreme.  Parents can discipline their children with a crack on their "sit-upons" without being child abusers; just as some use time-out and the child grasps the why.  All of my children AND their spouses know that if they want this grandmother to "babysit" the children go by my rules.  A crack on the butt for misbehavior and a hug and a kiss for being the best grandchildren in the world.  It's not really amazing that my grandchildren NEVER scream when they do not get their way in my home.  They know I mean business and know the rules are there for their safety and mine. 

 

My grandchildren love to come and cry when they have to leave because they have a safe, happy and fun-filled environment with very little correcting.

 

I think it's great that your adult children and their spouses and you are on the same page regarding discipline.  I could never be comfortable with anyone striking my child or using disciplinary methods that I do not agree with. 

 

I don't think you have to hit a child to teach the child that you "mean business."  My son knows that when I use a certain tone of voice he is to immediately stop what he's doing or move away.  I save that tone of voice for situations where he might hurt himself or someone else.  He knows I mean business.  There are lots of other disciplinary and teaching methods that work just as well and probably better than hitting.  Hitting is not the only option. 

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Another great way to prevent a child from leaving your side is to explain why they need to hold your hand and stay next to you. I tell my son when we are walking and he is holding my hand that if he let's go another person can take him away from me and he won't see me again and I would be sad. I have never had to hit him - not even a swat. And he's never let go of my hand and run off when I explain it to him like that.

I think if you don't move temptations out of reach for children when they are at the age to grab and explore and you are setting them up for failure and to be hit.

 

With all due respect to uarew, I was thinking that, also, brit. And that moving "temptations out of reach" isn't just about making sure the child doesn't break them, but also about making sure they don't get hurt. The child may be responsible for doing a "no-no" but we grownups are responsible if they get cut or otherwise injured while doing it.

 

I think it's interesting how many kids get swat for crossing the street unaccompanied by an adult.   Isn't that really on the adult for not properly supervising the kid?   Do you swat yourself after you've swat your kid?   How does that work exactly?

 

Point taken, BSW. But some kids are very good at wriggling free or - the classic - dart into the street after a ball b4 you can stop them. So I, for one, understand if someone swats a child for that in the effort to "make sure they remember/learn once and for all." YDD, however, thinks it's just as memorable if they see they have to go inside b/c of it or some comparable consequence and I respect her wishes.

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I think it's interesting how many kids get swat for crossing the street unaccompanied by an adult.   Isn't that really on the adult for not properly supervising the kid?   Do you swat yourself after you've swat your kid?   How does that work exactly?

 

That is a mystery. Some just don't watch kids well, I guess. Hopefully they are madder at themselves (you know, the adult in the situation) than they are at the kids.

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I don't agree with spanking, a little swat on the butt to get your grandchilds attention if they are really doing something that would require getting their attention when talking doesn't do the trick.  Unlike the younger generation of parents who sometimes go overboard with the hand, and I have seen this many times in public places.  I am lucky, when my daughter was little, I never had to spank, being sent to her room to think about what she did wrong for 15 minutes was all the punishment she needed.  Same holds true for my grandson when he was little. 

I believe the only thing spanking accomplishes is that for the moment the one giving the spanking feels a release of frustration, but doesn't realize the long term effects it's going to have on the child later.  I think it sends mixed messages to the child. 

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Some say you should spank or swat when a child does something that could lead to him or her getting hurt.  But the spanking or swatting hurts!  The logic escapes me...

 

I think it's interesting how many kids get swat for crossing the street unaccompanied by an adult.   Isn't that really on the adult for not properly supervising the kid?   Do you swat yourself after you've swat your kid?   How does that work exactly?

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My mom spanked us when we were little. Generally handled the situation fairly quickly. And the waiting was usually the worst. I spanked my 1st son, but not harshly. Generally to get his attention. Most the time it did what it was meant to do. And he wasn't beaten, he just needed physical contact to get his attention. He's undiagnosed (officially) ADD (now 35) and sometimes that was the only way he would understand. With my 2d I could never catch him so tried many other things. He is a good kid today, learned lessons well and generally, though not always, he understood when I had to use 'other' types of punishment. Usually taking things away, grounding for a period of time. I see too many children that there are absolutely NO BOUNDARIES. As a grandparent I don't see my granddaughters because they are 1200 miles from me, but I know there are boundaries, because I hear it when I talk to them on the phone. They don't spank, but they do time-outs and more importantly they are teaching their children YOUNG (3 and just short of 1) right and wrong.

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to: ReachingUpFromFedUp

Don't know how you discpline a child that pushes another child, but if you continue to allow it, it will continue throughout life. I know of a kid that was allowed to push, shove, and just badly behave around groups of people. That 'child' is now almost 40 years old and STILL is pushing, shoving people and finding nothing wrong with it. He has rage issues, depression, and other mental health issues. There were very few boundaries as he grew and he grew into what he was allowed to be and do. A bully. I still say it's called boundaries. If a child is allowed to push/shove their siblings, they will continue to do it with others as well. Hopefully, you DO discipline your child somehow when they pull this stuff because it DOES continue into adulthood. They need to learn as young children, because the don't learn as adults! Sorry for my opinion, experience is a great teacher.

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to: ReachingUpFromFedUp

Don't know how you discpline a child that pushes another child, but if you continue to allow it, it will continue throughout life. I know of a kid that was allowed to push, shove, and just badly behave around groups of people. That 'child' is now almost 40 years old and STILL is pushing, shoving people and finding nothing wrong with it. He has rage issues, depression, and other mental health issues. There were very few boundaries as he grew and he grew into what he was allowed to be and do. A bully. I still say it's called boundaries. If a child is allowed to push/shove their siblings, they will continue to do it with others as well. Hopefully, you DO discipline your child somehow when they pull this stuff because it DOES continue into adulthood. They need to learn as young children, because the don't learn as adults! Sorry for my opinion, experience is a great teacher.

I'm not aware of saying anywhere that I let my child get away with pushing others...........?

 

ETA: I backtracked the thread.  I said pushing her sister out of the way was not something we spanked her for.  She still gets in trouble...usually a time out....sometimes losing a privilege.

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@matthewsnana - Hi again! Glad you decided to join in this debate!

 

@ patti - Welcome!Glad you joined in, too! For greater privacy, you might want to change your username to get you email addy out of it. If so, just click on http://www.grandparents.com/profile and change your name where shown. (You'll have to log out and log in again to see the change.)

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My daughters and I have had this discussion several times.  I don't spank my grandchildren because I am the Grandmother.  If they misbehave at my house, I know that I can just tell their mothers and they will take care of it when they get home.  When my oldest grandson was about 3, he misbehaved when I took him somewhere so I told him, "If you can't behave when I take you someplace, then I just can't take you any more.".  He is now 15 and has not misbehaved with me since then because he wanted his little hiney to be perched in his carseat in the back seat of Grandmother's car when it left the driveway.  Same thing for the other two; failure to mind Grandmother has never been an issue.  Their parents have told them that they must behave with Grandmother or they will be punished when they return home.  This is not to say they don't misbehave with their parents but never with Grandmother.  One lives in the same town and the other two live 3 hours away so I see them often and we have "Camp Grandmother" at least twice a year where they stay a week in Grandmother's house and i plan special activities for each day.  It's a blast for me and for them.  I really don't know how I would answer this if I were raising my grandchildren as so many grandparents are doing.  I spanked (not beat) my daughters and they turned out to be good responsible adults and wonderful mothers who also spank when necessary.  

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Welcome tijon! So glad you decided to come in and share your experience and  views on this topic with us!

 

For greater privacy, though, you may want to change your username, as I suggested to Patti, above (post # 70). If so, please follow the same directions I gave her.

 

@ All New Posters - Hope you join in the discussion of other topics here, as well!

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I can't say that I was spanked, although my Aunt would pull out a reed or similar whip when my sister and I would fight.  She would swat us and then make us shake hands.  The handshaking hurt more than the swats, because we were still harboring some anger and did not want to touch.  Being Native American, we were told (threatened) that the whip woman would come and she was a "no nonsense" person.  I used to see her in the Longhouse and was on my best behavior during those times.  Of course, this is one of our traditions that was outlawed and so the parents were left to their own devices.

 

I always say to my 40 year old that I should have beat him as a child.  We both know I am half joking when I say this. Okay, all the way joking.

 

With the grandkids, in my custody.  I did take the belt to them when they first came to live with me.  They learned behaviors that are  acceptable for humans and are not scarred physically or mentally.  I did explain why   they were going to get this whipping.  Again, with them, I think the oral lesson hurt them more than the actual whipping. I always get positive comments about them wherever we go.  I believe it worked for me in showing them not to hurt themselves or each other.  I know this is a very, almost laughable paradox, but when reasoning and time outs are ineffective, I see no recourse.  I am like the grandparent who when grounding one is grounding the whole family.  This causes resentments  within the family unit. I'm confident in my love for my two boys and know that I would not hurt them as in leaving scars, especially emotional ones - they are well adjusted and happy.  I know that when I am around families where the two year old rules, everyone is unhappy.

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Here is something that works for just about every child from age two through junior high and perhaps beyond. Teachers use it all over for disciplining behavior problems.

 

Make a refrigerator or wall chart with these words, top to bottom:

Outstanding (on a gold or pink or  purple strip of construction paper), Making Good Choices (on Green), Ready to Learn (on yellow), Warning (on orange). Lose a Privilege (on red) .

 

Draw emoticon faces on the chart next to the words.  Attach a clothespin, with the child's name on it,  onto the chart. Start at Ready to Learn every day. You can do this for one or more children. Teachers do it for whole classes!

 

On a calendar give a sticker for each night that the child ends with Outstanding.  After five or ten or seven (a week) Outstandings, give a specific anticipated reward.  When a child gets Lost Privilege, take away time to play or watch t.v.  or another privilege.  One minute per year of the child's age for a time out if the lost privilege is time to play.  

 

When you give the warning, make sure the child knows what the punishment will be in advance. I personally would never make it spanking and certainly not hitting with a belt.  That is child abuse.

 

Also -- The child should be the one who moves the clip up or down.

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Welcome to The Great Debate, nataya and Sweet Betsy! I think you've both given us some very interesting and fresh POVs (points of view)! And I like the detailed description you gave, survs of the chart and how it works.

 

@ nataya - I hope you consider changing your usernames to get your email addies out of them. To do so, please see the directions given in Post # 70 above.  Also, I sent you a PM (private/personal message). To see it, just click on your username on the top-right of the screen and then Personal Messenger.

 

@ Sweet Betsy - I answered the concern you raised on your Profile Page.

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