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RoseRed135

Welcome to New Grandparents - Updated

27 posts in this topic

Greetings! Delighted to have you here! This is a place to announce your joyous news of a new baby/grandbaby. :) But it's also a place to seek/give advice about the experience of being a new GP. And to vent, if you'd like, about any concerns, disappointments, frustrations or fears you have as a new GP - or, if you're a new parent, any issues you may have w/ the new GPs in your life. :(

 

Please realize, though, that when people vent about the new GP experience or their experience w/ new GPs, they may make some unpleasant remarks about the new parents/new GPs. Often that kind of thing is part of venting. Please realize, too, that, when you (general) unload, given the wide range of opinions and styles on these boards, you might get some responses you didn't expect to hear. Still. I trust that we can all speak to each other w/ respect.

 

But before you post, please check out the following GP.com thread:

 

To familiarize yourself w/ the specific rules/guidelines that govern this Community, please also read here:

 

 

Also, please be aware that. as of December 2014, if you're a new member of this site, you must post 10 replies to other people's conversation threads before you can open one of your own. To read more about this, check out this GP.com thread:

 

If you're looking for some ideas, as to how (and how not) to amass those 10 replies, please check this thread in Club Newcomer:

 

 

OPTIONS/PERMISSIONS -  In fact if you'd like to learn more about what options are open to you as a Guest, New Member or regular Member,  please check out one of the following:

or...

 

Meanwhile, for those who are interested, I've also pinned up a thread called, "Tips for New Grandparents," as another place where new GPs and GPs2B can ask questions and others can give them tips on how to enrich their grandparenting experience.:

 

Looking forward to meeting and talking with you! :)

 

ETA: UPDATE: If your email addy and/or full name is in your username, we recommend that you change it for greater privacy. To see how to do so, for these or any other reasons, just click on the following thread in the MIL Anonymous forum:

Also, for a guide to acronyms and other Internet terms often used in this Community, please go to this thread (also in MILA):

 

 

And it you have any further questions about how the Community works, whether technical or otherwise, please go here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/forum/41-member-questions/

Once there, just click on Ask a Question and key in your concern. 

Note: The 10-post rule does not apply in Member Questions but it is not for personal advice.

Edited by RoseRed135
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Family is the most important thing.  Being a Grandma there is no words to say, for its family that makes you whole. Michelle

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So glad you joined us, Michelle! You sound like a very loving, joyous GM (grandmother)!

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Hello all! I am still coming to terms with becoming a grandmother this fall. I will only be 39 when it happens, and my husband (DD's stepfather) will only be 30 (turning 31 end of 2014). My daughter's birth father will be 41, but even he is taken aback by this. My daughter will barely be 21 when her son is born.

I guess I wouldn't have such an issue with age, except that my DD has mental issues that are quite concerning and her age compounds that fact. She was living with me for a bit, but recently decided she wants to be an adult, which I would love to happen as well, but again, her mental state causes her behave irrationally and make bad choices. There is a long story to it all, but I'm just trying to express the jist of it. Where we live, there's no mental health help while pregnant, unless severe emergency. What we've thought were emergencies were deemed not so. Guardianship is difficult to get, abd I don't want to push her away more. I know my husband and i will end up carrying for our grandson and that's fine, because we fear she will have one of her fits anyway, and something bad might happen. But again, it seems we get no help until something bad actually does happen, and we want to avoid that.

Other than that, I'm a little excited so far. Been crocheting a lot. :)

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Welcome to the forum and congratulations on the new addition to your family.

If you are using your active email addy for your user name, you might want to change that for greater privacy. If so, just click http://www.grandparents.com/profile and change your username where shown. (You'll have to log out and then log in again to see the change.) If you find you have a problem changing your username? Then please contact help@grandparents.com.

Also, if you change your username or plan to, please let a mod know, preferably, the Lead Mod(s) of the forum(s) you frequent. You can PM a moderator by pointing to one of our names above our post and on the drop down, click on the send a message button under our avatar.

We are delighted to have you here at GP.com and just trying to make your experience here as pleasant and comfortable as possible.

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Another welcome, jimmyscat! (I second Sue's suggestion that you change your username if it's your active email addy). And congrats on your coming first GC (grandchild)! I know it may be hard for you, bio dad and your DH (dear husband) to adjust to becoming such young GPs. But if it's any comfort, you're not alone -- there are other young GPs, both on these boards and offline.

 

In this case, I realize it's about more than adjusting to being young GPs. I'm sorry there's not much help available to DD while she's pregnant, but hopefully, after the birth, there are agencies she can turn to?

 

ETA: I see from another one of your posts that, happily, after the birth of the baby, DD will be able to get more help. Not sure why pregnancy prevents this but, at least, there seems to be a light at the end of that tunnel.

 

I know my husband and i will end up carrying for our grandson and that's fine, because we fear she will have one of her fits anyway, and something bad might happen. But again, it seems we get no help until something bad actually does happen, and we want to avoid that.

 

Not sure if you mean you and DH will be taking care of GS, frequently, or if you think you'll actually be raising him. If it's the latter, you may find some helpful articles or other resources here http://community.grandparents.com/index.php/topic/9232-need-legal-or-financial-direction-updated-as-of-22314/

 

Meanwhile, kudos to you for being ready to be there for that baby! :)

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I am a new grandmother. My beautiful grandson born 30 days early in Switzerland only to leave the hospital and 42 days later back again because he has AML( Acute Myeloid Leukemia).  I live in the USA.  I miss him terribly. 

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On 8/20/2013 at 8:13 AM, brielle220 said:

Family is the most important thing.  Being a Grandma there is no words to say, for its family that makes you whole. Michelle

That is my motto too! Family!  What's any better! 

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On 7/26/2014 at 0:09 AM, jimmyscat@gmail.com said:

Hello all! I am still coming to terms with becoming a grandmother this fall. I will only be 39 when it happens, and my husband (DD's stepfather) will only be 30 (turning 31 end of 2014). My daughter's birth father will be 41, but even he is taken aback by this. My daughter will barely be 21 when her son is born.

I guess I wouldn't have such an issue with age, except that my DD has mental issues that are quite concerning and her age compounds that fact. She was living with me for a bit, but recently decided she wants to be an adult, which I would love to happen as well, but again, her mental state causes her behave irrationally and make bad choices. There is a long story to it all, but I'm just trying to express the jist of it. Where we live, there's no mental health help while pregnant, unless severe emergency. What we've thought were emergencies were deemed not so. Guardianship is difficult to get, abd I don't want to push her away more. I know my husband and i will end up carrying for our grandson and that's fine, because we fear she will have one of her fits anyway, and something bad might happen. But again, it seems we get no help until something bad actually does happen, and we want to avoid that.

Other than that, I'm a little excited so far. Been crocheting a lot. :)

My first child was born when I was 21!! Lucky you! Since my sons grew out of childhood I have anticipated being a grandmother.  Unfortunately, it took a long time.  But everything is in G-d's timing anyway.  You are a young grandmother.  Savor it! :)

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18 hours ago, flyingkitty said:

I am a new grandmother. My beautiful grandson born 30 days early in Switzerland only to leave the hospital and 42 days later back again because he has AML( Acute Myeloid Leukemia).  I live in the USA.  I miss him terribly. 

Welcome flyingkitty! And congratulations on the birth of your first GC (grandchild)! The joy and excitement are mixed w/ sorrow, I realize, b/c he is ill - I'm so deeply sorry about that. My heart is w/ you and yours... and my prayers, too (if that's ok).

Meanwhile, how kind of you to reach out to other posters and give encouragement, etc. Unfortunately, neither of them has been here in a while, but if/when they come in again, I'm sure they'll appreciate your comments. It sounds to me as if you have a big heart and I look forward to reading more of your posts.

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1 hour ago, RoseRed135 said:

Welcome flyingkitty! And congratulations on the birth of your first GC (grandchild)! The joy and excitement are mixed w/ sorrow, I realize, b/c he is ill - I'm so deeply sorry about that. My heart is w/ you and yours... and my prayers, too (if that's ok).

Meanwhile, how kind of you to reach out to other posters and give encouragement, etc. Unfortunately, neither of them has been here in a while, but if/when they come in again, I'm sure they'll appreciate your comments. It sounds to me as if you have a big heart and I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Prayers are more than welcome! Prayers are much needed! Thank you! 

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15 hours ago, flyingkitty said:

Prayers are more than welcome! Prayers are much needed! Thank you! 

You're very, very welcome.

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I am sorry to post in wrong section. I hope this is OK. I don't know where to turn. My dils mean to me and won't let me hold her new baby. My ds does what she say and lets her mom and sisters hold her baby and come over in the house as often as they want. This has been going on since the babys born 8 weeks ago. I wasn't asked to the hospital to watch the birth and her mom was. DH and I wasn't invited to the homecoming and her parents was. I ask my son what I did wrong to deserved bad treatment and he said my dil was handling the baby how she planned and they have things handled like they want. I read here "get along wit your son" and my son get along wiht me. I did all with our ds, scouts, classmom, camping, baseball and always get along with my ds.

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If it is not unusual either for new parents to stagger visits to their home, having one side of their family come over early on and the other later down the road....when will it be my turn? I did not see the baby in 8 weeks.Often, the first visitors are the new mom's close relatives, w/ whom, again, she may feel more comfortable. When is it time for the ds parents? This is very unusual and hurtful. The baby I never met, like I am not a GP?

Edited by SadGmaMary

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Yes, I get along with ds and dil.

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1 hour ago, SadGmaMary said:

If it is not unusual either for new parents to stagger visits to their home, having one side of their family come over early on and the other later down the road....when will it be my turn? I did not see the baby in 8 weeks.Often, the first visitors are the new mom's close relatives, w/ whom, again, she may feel more comfortable. When is it time for the ds parents? This is very unusual and hurtful. The baby I never met, like I am not a GP?

So you haven't seen baby at all? You were not even invited to meet baby at the hospital at any time after the birth? That is unusual, IMO, though I've heard of similar before on these boards. That's very painful and frustrating, no doubt. I so feel for you.

Has DS given you any idea of when you'll be invited to come and meet the child?

1 hour ago, SadGmaMary said:

Yes, I get along with ds and dil.

Ok, you "get along" w/ them, in general. So then, I take it, DIL was never "mean" to you before the baby came along, is that correct? Did any issues crop up between you during DIL's pregnancy?

Also, how about DH? Have there been any differences between him and DS and/or between him and DIL? If so, that might be where the problem lies.

Just feeling around for clues as to why this may be happening...

Edited by RoseRed135

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1 hour ago, SadGmaMary said:

I am sorry to post in wrong section. I hope this is OK. I don't know where to turn. My dils mean to me and won't let me hold her new baby. My ds does what she say and lets her mom and sisters hold her baby and come over in the house as often as they want. Are you sure they're over there "as often as they want?" Is it possible that DS and DIL are keeping them at bay more than you think? Some new parents like to spend as much time as possible bonding w/ their new baby themselves. This has been going on since the babys born 8 weeks ago. I wasn't asked to the hospital to watch the birth and her mom was. DH and I wasn't invited to the homecoming and her parents was. I ask my son what I did wrong to deserved bad treatment and he said my dil was handling the baby how she planned and they have things handled like they want. I read here "get along wit your son" and my son get along wiht me. I did all with our ds, scouts, classmom, camping, baseball and always get along with my ds.

It sounds as if you did a lot for DS as a boy and that you were a very caring, involved mom. How about DH though? Again, I ask, how does he fit into this picture?

Edited by RoseRed135

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1 hour ago, RoseRed135 said:

So you haven't seen baby at all? You were not even invited to meet baby at the hospital at any time after the birth? That is unusual, IMO, though I've heard of similar before on these boards. That's very painful and frustrating, no doubt. I so feel for you.

Has DS given you any idea of when you'll be invited to come and meet the child?

Ok, you "get along" w/ them, in general. So then, I take it, DIL was never "mean" to you before the baby came along, is that correct? Did any issues crop up between you during DIL's pregnancy?

Also, how about DH? Have there been any differences between him and DS and/or between him and DIL? If so, that might be where the problem lies.

Just feeling around for clues as to why this may be happening...

No we have not seen the baby in 8 weeks. Yes dh was as involved. I thought we got along fine before the baby and dil was not mean before the baby. Issues did not crop during pg. There is no idea when we will meet the baby.

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1 hour ago, RoseRed135 said:

It sounds as if you did a lot for DS as a boy and that you were a very caring, involved mom. How about DH though? Again, I ask, how does he fit into this picture?

Dh was caring involved.

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36 minutes ago, SadGmaMary said:

No we have not seen the baby in 8 weeks. Yes dh was as involved. I thought we got along fine before the baby and dil was not mean before the baby. Issues did not crop during pg. There is no idea when we will meet the baby.

Thanks for taking time to answer my questions, Mary.

Also, I see in the other thread that you say DS tells you DIL's mom and sisters come over to help. That may be key. Chances are, she wants them there mostly for that reason, not so that they can see/spend time w/ baby while you and DH can't. Chances are, too, that she's asking them to do household chores, etc., so that she can focus on baby. And DS is supporting her in this b/c he understands.

Still, I know it must be hard to accept that they haven't found time in 8 weeks to let you and DH meet the baby. Again, I know that must be very frustrating. I'm wondering... since there were no previous problems, could it just be that they're still adjusting to having a baby in their lives? Or that DIL still isn't feeling quite up to par (that might not concern her so much where her own mom is concerned)?

As hard as it may be, please be patient. Resist any temptation to push for a visit, as that will likely backfire. If you give them their space, I'm sure they'll reach out to you soon.

More (((hugs!)))

35 minutes ago, SadGmaMary said:

Dh was caring involved. Glad to hear it!

 

Edited by RoseRed135
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I'm sorry you are going through this Mary and I am thinking how I would feel if this happened should our DS have a child. Have you asked your DS when it would be a good time for a visit? I have read the posts here and on the other thread and I am not sure if you did this and what his answer might have been. If it were my DS I would ask him when we could come. If he said not yet, I think I would feel some hurt, but I would have to believe that they are doing what they feel is best for their family. I think it is understandable for a new mom to want her own DM with her; in most cases DIL's would be most comfortable with them I would think. I know I did as a young mom. As for being at the hospital for the birth, when our ODD had her first I was there, but only because the baby had a heart condition that was found before birth and both parents asked if I could come. I think simply for reassurance. I went but told them if they ever wanted me to leave to say so and I would go. For the birth of their second child no one was with them at the hospital. Personally, that is how I think it should be as I believe labor and birth are private things for mom and dad. I would never have wanted either my DM nor my MIL at the hospital with us. So if I were you, I would not be too upset about that.

I hope that soon you will be able to greet your new grandchild in person, and when you do, enjoy the times you do have together.

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Mary, In the other thread you asked me:

9 hours ago, SadGmaMary said:

Thank you. Why are you sure this is my ds agreement for the plan? My son would want me too

In the original thread you had said, "I ask my son what I did wrong to deserved bad treatment and he said my dil was handling the baby how she planned and they have things handled like they want." I took this statement to mean that "they" meaning both of them have things handled how "they" both of them want. This is why I assumed your ds is in agreement with the plan. If he wasn't he could have worked with his wife to make a different plan.

When you talked with him, did he say when you could come over? Did you ask him when you could visit? I expect my husband to lead the way with his family. If he wants them to visit he can plan it and do the invitations. An example, we are having a small party for dd for her birthday. She is inviting two friends to go out to eat and hang out. I am not inviting my mom. MIL asked DH what our birthday plans are and DH told her, she wants to join us going out to eat. I didn't think it would be the sort of event for grandmas-three pre-teens eating sushi and hanging out at the mall- but DH wants to invite his mom and dd is o.k. with it. So he can make the arrangements on how she will get there, what she will eat-she doesn't like anything on the menu, what she will do while pre-teens hang out at the mall.

If your son wants to do something different than what is happening then he needs to figure it out, plan a time, make an invitation, clean the house, get baby ready, etc. I'm curious, why isn't he doing this?

If this is all DIL's doing, I am wondering if you can think of any possible reason. Usually people have some sort of reason to do things and it might be helpful. Can you think about any recent tension between you and DIL. Just a brainstorm on reasons a parent might not allow visits of a newborn baby: visitor is a smoker, an alcoholic,  baby has a compromised immune system, visitor hasn't been immunized, visitor insist on bringing pet everywhere, visitor has a habit on staying too long,  visitor expects overnight accommodation, new parent doesn't like visitor, visitor objected to marriage or pregnancy, parent is embarrassed by the messiness of house (due to caring for new baby), parent is embarrassed by the inability to host (due to caring for new baby), parent is having a very hard time recovering from birth-C-section, complications, post-partum depression. If DIL is just mean as you originally said, is this her normal character or did she become mean when the baby was born. When did the meaness start?

I think if we had more information we could be more helpful.

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You mention that DIL'S family is there to help dil. And that may be the key. They are there FOR HER, instead of just being there for the baby. Have you offered help or has it been baby, baby, baby?

It's perfectly normal for a woman to be more comfortable with her family helping out rather than her MIL.

8 weeks is a very small time frame in the grand scheme of things when you think of 18+ years with this grandchild.

And again, the blame does not lie all at your DIL'S feet, DS is just as responsible.

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