• Announcements

    • LatoyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LatoyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
JaneF

I feel guilty because I am angry at having to raise my grandchildren

51 posts in this topic

Thank you cobaltblue!  I have had a few extra days off due to the Thanksgiving Holidays, and to be honest it was perfect timing.  I have been sick for 2 or 3 days on top of no sleep and planning for holidays etc.  I am ashamed to admit it, but I pretty much had a huge meltdown.  I just told my husband and my daughter that I simply cannot go on doing this anymore.  I got angry.  I was angry because my daughters boyfriend had come up to "spend the night" with her in the carriage house, so of course my granddaughter had to come up here to be with us since I do not feel she needs to see that poor example.  So in the morning as usual the little one was up by 6 am, and my husband and I were up trying to prepare turkey for the oven as well as get started getting dressed, so we could begin making coffee and getting breakfast going.  Around 8:30 am I sent my daughter a text message to see when she was going to get her fanny up here to help with these kids because we were trying to prepare the rest of the holiday meal.  Her boyfriend was STILL there.  She texted back and said she was going to take a shower first, then she would be here.  Well during this time my husband are trying to get the food lined out, get the kids dressed, clear up breakfast junk...and watch kids too, and I felt horrible with sore throat, cough, and congestion and fever.  The cold meds were not working at all for me so I was cranky as it was.  FINALLY daughter shows up at 11 AM!!!!  Needless to say I was furious since she spent half the holiday with this new boyfriend of a few weeks, instead of being here to help and be with her kids.  So I proceeded to tell her EVERYTHING I was thinking!  I told her she could go live at either probation and parole (they have a place some live if they have no alternative), or she could go to a halfway house because I am sick of us doing all we have to do AND all the extra stuff now, when she chooses to lay around and not help us much...and the fact that she is LOVING her "new found freedom" while we were strapped really burns my butt!  She initially got mad and stomped off back to the carriage house, but she hadn't done much to help anyway, so I did not care.  My husband, such a sweet man, told her I was sick as a dog and needed rest for a while, so he went with the kids down to the carriage house!  They played wii games and did arts and crafts...and I SLEPT FOR HOURS!!!!  My daughter was apparently pretty shaken up by my meltdown and what I had to say.  She has been cleaning house, bathing the little one and making sure the others do their baths and chores, she cooked supper last night, and she has been taking them outside (the weather has been beautiful!), and walking my dogs...and I am sleeping A LOT!  Trying different cold meds that have helped a lot!  It has been a few days since Thanksgiving now.  We were going to go to Church this am, but the oldest child and the youngest have caught what I had, so we will keep them inside today.  I may go to Church myself and take the 10 year old since he feels fine, and let husband tend to the others!  My daughter is here too of course.  I have to work at midnight tonite, so I plan to rest later this evening.  I did manage to have the kids help me yesterday since I felt a bit better...and we put up the Christmas tree in the living room, and they decorated their small table top tree in the dining room.  I got all gifts wrapped and placed under the tree, so I am done!!!  I plan to do only a few things today like wash a load of laundry (daughter even did that up the last few days!!!).  I will have her help me set out the boys school clothes (hope they are not too sick to go!), and prepare all back packs etc.  They will need baths today of course, in case they can go, but we shall see!  The little one is right here beside me and he sounds congested and is coughing...oh oh.  Daughter has required NA (narcotics anon) meeting tonite, and husband will take her to that as it is here in town luckily.  Well I need a cup of coffee, then a nice bath before preparing to go to Church.  Have a most joyous day!  I sure have appreciated all the "ears" and fantastic advice here, thank you.  J

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just read your post and I so hear you, Jane! There have been a lot of colds and coughs in my family, too, this last week or so! And dealing with that while trying to get T'giving dinner ready, etc. must surely be a bummer!

 

What a kind, thoughtful, loving man your DH is, IMO! You certainly have a winner there! But I guess you know that!

 

And I'm glad to see that your meltdown had a positive effect on your daughter! It just goes to show that, sometimes, after all the different kinds of advice, etc., the most effective thing is to just tell somebody off! (It worked for me with my MIL, once, many years ago.) Not always, though. Maybe not even most of the time. And I don't ordinarily recommend it. But sometimes, it does the trick when all else has failed. And clearly, this is one of those times! Yes!

 

Maybe now she would be receptive to sitting down with you and DH and working out a division of chores, etc? Or do you think that would be "pushing your luck?" :) Then again, perhaps you're not up for it now, but maybe when you're feeling better?

 

How cool that you put up the Christmas Tree and the kids have a little tree of their own to decorate, as well! (We do things like that in my family, too.) I'm wondering how you keep the little guy from tearing into the gifts though? LOL!

 

Anyhow, hope you have a lovely morning in Church! And that you get enough rest, later, so that you can head out to work refreshed.

 

Glad you've appreciated "all the 'ears' and...advice here!" You "have a most joyous day," too!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just read your above post.  I am sooo glad that you got the needed rest.  I am sorry that you were sick.  I hope that you continue to feel better.  Yes, sometimes I believe it is good to just spew out how you feel.  I don't always do this either.  I believe that sometimes it would be better if I did but I don't.  I am glad that you motivated your daughter to help.  It probably scared her to think that she may have to move and leave her secure, comfortable place she is living with her needs being taken care of and to have to live with strangers and be on her own.  While she is in this mode I believe now is the time for you and your DH to sit down and talk about a plan to discuss with your daughter that will work for all of you. 

 

It is good that you have your Christmas decorations and gifts wrapped.  This is a relief to you.  I hope the boys don't have fever today.  Here in our school system the children have to be fever free for twenty four hours before the can return to school.  If they are sick then that is more unrest for you.  I hope not. 

 

I am so relieved that things got better for you.  Your situations really bothered me.  I was worried about you.  I hope you enjoyed getting out and being at church today.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good morning to all!  It took me quite some time between posts huh?  Things are their usual around here...crazy!!!  lol  We are STILL waiting on a court date for the guardianship, and I am beginning to get cranky to say the least.  Our attorney has had the paperwork since the first few days of December!  I have a suspicion Child Protective Services is responsible for the "slow process".  I hope to not step on any toes, but I am NOT at all fond of the family services folks!  And THAT is putting it very mildly....I am still having some issues with insomnia, but every few days I sleep fairly well lol, so I am getting by.  I am not a fan of winter though, so I can be a grump about cold and the awful snow we have had.  School had to be called off for 3 days  YIKES!  Daughter was here though and did the care for the kids meals, chores, baths etc so I could rest a bit.  She is leveled up on her classes that were court ordered at the drug and alcohol place, so she now goes one day a week!  Apparently she is doing all of the work, extra work, doing the counseling...is still clean and sober YAY! attends her required NA twice a week and sees probation officer as ordered...so not too bad!  She has her good days and bad ones, but her bipolar meds seem to be working well...and she does help a lot more with house chores and kids!  She actually does more housework and laundry than I do MOST of the time!  She has a boyfriend that I have known all his life.  His mom and I have been friends for 40 years.  He is a good man, drug free, good father to his 8 year old son, works hard, and is buying his own home.  Divorced.  He treats my daughter well, and accepts her faults and he is fully aware of her history.  He treats my grandchildren well also.  Sooooo....things aren't going too bad at this point.  My husband is still as wonderful as always, and brought me Valentine goodies!  He also got stuff for the grandchildren, he is so sweet.  The children are basically doing well as far as eating healthy, going to school, tutoring, and medications are a work in progress.  The 10 year old has had a few behavior issue4s as of late, and I am kind of thinking it is due to the recent visits begun by their father.  He has been in a long term drug rehab (which is good), but he has mentioned things like "when he gets better he will take the boys", and I think my grandson is reacting with behaviors.  The boys have had so much chaos and uprooting in their lives, I do not think he could handle it right now.  I obviously would object to his taking of the boys because being clean 4 or 5 months out of the last 15 years is not enough to prove he will stay that way!  He has no job and his entire family are drug users.  He still stays around them when he gets out on a "pass".  So far he has managed to stay drug free (they test him upon returning), but we all know that when you are surrounded by the drugs it is too easy to backslide.  Besides I REFUSE to allow my grandchildren to be in that environment, they have seen enough of that in their life time!  The boys father even gave the 10 year old a government issued "free cell phone" that is given to low income people and included FREE 250 minutes of talk and text stuff...after all his family gets about 4 of them a month since they all live in small apartment together to combine welfare money and food stamps so they have more money for drugs!  Good grief.  Needless to say the phone was taken away since this child took it to school and teacher took it!  I told teacher to keep it for now, I am opposed to him having it!  He has had late papers and is not turning in papers teacher tells me.  This stuff began recently about the time the visits began with the father...hmmmm.  I had school counselor visit with him just to see if he has a need to talk to someone.  She will be getting with me today to visit with me about my concerns.  We have a wedding to attend tomorrow evening.  The children are included in the festivities, so that is good!  There will be lots of food, and music and dancing...they will like that.  We will all be going as a family, including my daughter and her boyfriend.  Oh and I forgot, someone had asked about financial assistance for grandparents, and yes we now get it (or we are supposed to) lol.  Child Protective Services and I spoke the first week of this month because I had not gotten a check yet for DECEMBER!  Or January for that matter.  I was told basically it was OUR fault we did not get a check because INITIALLY when we took the grandsons out of foster care we said we did not want financial aid!  Ummmmm, but THEN we were told we had to either take the foster parent training or we wouldn't be given the children at all...so we figured if we are going to be licensed for foster care they can darn sure send these children a check monthly!  We are far from rich, FAR FAR from it, and that money will help with swim lessons, summer pool pass, band instruments and clothing and shoes!  So it wasn't THEIR fault they goofed on the paper work...it was OUR FAULT!  lol  One of the many reasons I do not care for some of those folks.  Some are good, I can't group them all in one group I suppose.  Thanks for allowing me to blab on.  I guess I had a lot to say!  I will try to read other posts very soon, and get on here and post more and hopefully get to know more of you...work has been hectic, and issues with rentals and water lines freezing, school and doctor appointments...you know!  Such is life.  Have a fabulous Valentines Day.  Blessings to you all.   Jane

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm glad things are going a bit better. It is sad to hear that the one son has issues, but it is good to hear that overall there have been some positive changes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi JaneF I am fairly new to this forum so I was not here when you first posted. I'm glad KaIana came along to shed some light on the illness of Bipolar. It is an insidious and baffling brain disorder, I know because we have multiple cases in my family along with other types of mental illness. Dealing with a bipolar loved one, especially if they live with you is incredibly stressful and difficult. If they have dual diagnosis (so many do) that just compounds the problems. I don't know if your daughter attends a dual diagnosis support group but they can be very helpful. Dual diagnosis groups address the unique problems that come with mental illness and substance abuse. 

 

 Meanwhile it sounds like you could use support. There are wonderful programs and groups for families dealing with bipolar loved ones. If you go to the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) website they can help you. The DSBA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) is another wonderful organization. Most of their meetings are geared towards those with mood disorder but they also have family support groups. I find it so very helpful to be in the same room with people who understand. I also get a lot out of meetings that combine family members with bipolar people managing their illness.  I prefer these mixed groups myself. I know you are up against the wall with demands on your time but even a couple meetings might be helpful.

 

I also am part of an online mental health community with forums dedicated to just about any subject dealing with mental illness. There are a few forums out there of it's kind but I prefer one in particular. The moderators are ultra vigilant in keeping out the trolls (posters who are looking to provoke) and to prevent any kind of abusive talk. It is just not tolerated. You can PM me if you are interested. I wish you all the best.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

mfnana,

I am glad that there are groups on line as you described.  I am so glad that they have great moderators.  I am sure this helps tremendously.  I don't think I have this problem with my daughter but there is some type of problem.  She isn't diagnosed but when I look at all the symptoms of Opostional Defiant Disorder I could check all but one. Is there one for this?  You can PM me to keep from further hijacking this thread.   Sorry JaneF. I just had to know. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

JaneF,

 

So glad to hear from you.  I am glad things are better for you.  I do understand a little of your frustrations with Child Services myself.  I wasn't as involved with them as you were but when they did investigate my D for drugs in the house that she was staying in they came my and she wasn't there but someone else was and told the person that they would be back two days later.  My D said that she stayed home from work to clean house. I am very sure there were drugs in or on the property.  So the Child Services didn't see any evidence when they came. 

 

I am so glad that your daughter is doing so much better and is helping you a lot with the housework and taking care of the children.  That is wonderful.  I wish you could find a way to get more sleep.  I also glad that she seems to have a good boyfriend that maybe could be a future husband.  ( I know you didn't say this but maybe it could happen.)  So sorry about the father of the GS and his issues.  I hope you get some financial assistance soon.  I hope things will continue to get even better for you in the future.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good to see you again, Jane! And enjoyed talking with you in Grandparents Caring for Grandkids, as well! Glad things are going better! Hope to hear more from you in both forums, as well as anywhere else on the site!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well I had typed a long update, and poof it's gone! Lol It has been a very long time since I posted. My husband and I still have all 3 grandchildren. They are now ages 17, 13, and 8. They have come a long way, but the 2 younger ones do have medical/ behavioral issues. The 13 year old diagnosed bipolar. However, we are waiting to hear if grand jury will indict my daughter's second husband for sexual abuses to this child. The 8 year old has some sensory issues. All 3 are doing great academically I'm happy to say! The two older are in band still, 6th year for the oldest. She has grown into a lovely young girl, and 9h so talented! Singer/songwriter. Plays piano, guitar, flute, ukelele, and now starting mandolin. Has won some talent shows and performs publicly! The 8 year old is so very intelligent, an avid reader. He is doing much better I must say. The 13 year old plays trumpet, loves that, and has made a few friends. My daughter lives about 15 minutes away, but has not seen the kids, or talked to them for 3 months. Until yesterday. Holidays are coming of course. The 17 year old refuses to have anything to do with her mom at this point, she's angry at her. My daughter is still making bad choices, and up until 3 months ago was still drinking a lot, and I was told by a boyfriend also has had xanax pills, and she even gave him some. Bad choice. He mixed with alcohol, fired gun in city limits and arrested. Class D felony. Never in trouble before. Cost him his job, and family services took kids he had custody of out of his home. Some things don't change, but I'm glad we no longer take care of her, and refuse to allow her to live in any of our rentals again. It looks like she may get off probation around first of the year, even though probation officer knows about the drinking and other stuff. Oh well, it's only a matter of time and she will mess up again. I have to pick up the kids final Christmas layaway today, and get prepared for Thanksgiving. The oldest has a show choir competition out of town today. She's excited because she tried out for and got a solo in concert choir. The boys and I plan to wrangle with Christmas decor, and perhaps set up the tree soon. Hope this update finds everyone well. J

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, JaneF said:

Well I had typed a long update, and poof it's gone! Lol It has been a very long time since I posted. My husband and I still have all 3 grandchildren. They are now ages 17, 13, and 8. They have come a long way, but the 2 younger ones do have medical/ behavioral issues. The 13 year old diagnosed bipolar. However, we are waiting to hear if grand jury will indict my daughter's second husband for sexual abuses to this child. The 8 year old has some sensory issues. All 3 are doing great academically I'm happy to say! The two older are in band still, 6th year for the oldest. She has grown into a lovely young girl, and 9h so talented! Singer/songwriter. Plays piano, guitar, flute, ukelele, and now starting mandolin. Has won some talent shows and performs publicly! The 8 year old is so very intelligent, an avid reader. He is doing much better I must say. The 13 year old plays trumpet, loves that, and has made a few friends. My daughter lives about 15 minutes away, but has not seen the kids, or talked to them for 3 months. Until yesterday. Holidays are coming of course. The 17 year old refuses to have anything to do with her mom at this point, she's angry at her. My daughter is still making bad choices, and up until 3 months ago was still drinking a lot, and I was told by a boyfriend also has had xanax pills, and she even gave him some. Bad choice. He mixed with alcohol, fired gun in city limits and arrested. Class D felony. Never in trouble before. Cost him his job, and family services took kids he had custody of out of his home. Some things don't change, but I'm glad we no longer take care of her, and refuse to allow her to live in any of our rentals again. It looks like she may get off probation around first of the year, even though probation officer knows about the drinking and other stuff. Oh well, it's only a matter of time and she will mess up again. I have to pick up the kids final Christmas layaway today, and get prepared for Thanksgiving. The oldest has a show choir competition out of town today. She's excited because she tried out for and got a solo in concert choir. The boys and I plan to wrangle with Christmas decor, and perhaps set up the tree soon. Hope this update finds everyone well. J

Welcome back, Jane! Good to see you! Yes, it has been "a very long time." Sorry your "long update" disappeared - happens, sometimes - but glad you took the time to post again. Thanks for the good wishes! Same back to you!

Sounds like the GC are doing well, despite any remaining problems. How wonderful that they are so bright and talented! And obviously, you and DH have been doing a great job w/ them. :db:

It seems there has been a rift between you and your daughter since you last spoke w/ us. I'm very sorry to see that. I take it that's why she no longer lives on your property, but I could be wrong, I realize. Regardless, it's probably better for you both that she manages, however well or poorly, on her own.

Sadly, you appear to have totally lost faith in her ("... it's only a matter of time and she will mess up again"). But I take it that's been the pattern, so I can understand why.

I'm sorry, too, that she doesn't show much interest in the kids anymore. I don't blame the 17 yr old for being angry w/ her, under the circumstances.

Anyhow, it looks as if you and the GC are getting psyched for T'giving and Christmas. Hope you have wonderful holidays and that you keep in touch more often!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Meanwhile, please note that they're have been some changes in this community since you were last here. So even though you're not a new member, you might want to take a look at these:

 

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am more than angry I no longer have any peace, and do not want to travel, go see friends or go to church any more.  I have given u[p on faith as it just an't working.  I have recoiled from life and really want to just vanish away.  I would in a heart beat but I love my family while at the same time i despise what I have been forced to do in the absence and irresponsibility of my daughter.   We have her 4 fighting, crying, needy, wanting, hungry, take me, give me, buy me, can I have, grandchildren which break destroy and mess up everything they touch.   I have lost all patients for children as I put everything into raising my real children and just cant swing back into this.  My spouse who is a nester with empty nest syndrome is I think happy now but has no time for me or us (ZERO) we are truly no more due to grandchildren.  so, I am considering continuing to support the family but at a distance as in leaving and starting a new life.  I love my spouse and we have rarely fought except when it comes to children she is always 100% opposed to me or my ideas when it comes to children. I love her with all my heart but cant take no more I am at my end here.  I believe a new life starting over will be better for all.  need some help here.  is there any hope, help, light at end of tunnel. I love my home, wife, children and grandchildren but just cant be a dad again it just not possible. I have tried it is not working.  is there anyone that has experience these feelings.   I am miserable, want and need to leave but it is just so hard to give up 40 years of a good and faithful marriage.   

Anonymous poster hash: ae369...d6c

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
50 minutes ago, INCOGNITO said:

I am more than angry I no longer have any peace, and do not want to travel, go see friends or go to church any more.  I have given u[p on faith as it just an't working.  I have recoiled from life and really want to just vanish away.  I would in a heart beat but I love my family while at the same time i despise what I have been forced to do in the absence and irresponsibility of my daughter.   We have her 4 fighting, crying, needy, wanting, hungry, take me, give me, buy me, can I have, grandchildren which break destroy and mess up everything they touch.   I have lost all patients for children as I put everything into raising my real children and just cant swing back into this.  My spouse who is a nester with empty nest syndrome is I think happy now but has no time for me or us (ZERO) we are truly no more due to grandchildren.  so, I am considering continuing to support the family but at a distance as in leaving and starting a new life.  I love my spouse and we have rarely fought except when it comes to children she is always 100% opposed to me or my ideas when it comes to children. I love her with all my heart but cant take no more I am at my end here.  I believe a new life starting over will be better for all.  need some help here.  is there any hope, help, light at end of tunnel. I love my home, wife, children and grandchildren but just cant be a dad again it just not possible. I have tried it is not working.  is there anyone that has experience these feelings.   I am miserable, want and need to leave but it is just so hard to give up 40 years of a good and faithful marriage.   

Anonymous poster hash: ae369...d6c

Wow that's a lot to deal with. I'm happy you chose to vent here. I can see how you feel intruded upon by having to deal with your grown child's children. Your resentment of her is palpable here. 

However, this is less of a daughter problem (to me) than it is a spouse problem. I think you need to face this with a united front. Marital counseling might be a good way to start. Its a neutral place for you to both to air your feelings and concerns and start making plans to move forward in a better organized household. There is no way on this earth I would allow my GK (grandkids) to tear up my home. Are the kids getting any therapy to cope with their feelings about their mother? And, where is their father? 

I get your impulse to distance yourself. But lets face it, starting a new life sounds good, but you sound like a caring person who loves his family, unlikely you'd be able to make that work. 

Truly, consistent and fair discipline that comes from love is what these kids need. Someone needs to be the hero here...(quoting Dr. Phil, lol). Be honest with your spouse. If your spouse won't agree to therapy/counseling, go alone. Get your perspective clear so you can move forward.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(((Hugs))) Incognito granddad.  And I agree, a counselor for you and your wife might be just the thing to help get your home back on an even keel.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome, Incognito granddad! So glad you came here to unload and seek advice. Much better, no doubt, than complaining to your DW (dear wife).

It's obvious that you have mixed feelings - loving your family but resenting the fact that the role of "dad" has been thrust back on you at this time of life. Trust me, you're not alone. Many GRGs (grandparents raising grandchildren) who come here describe the same mix of emotions/attitudes. IMO (in my opinion), it's very understandable.

That's especially true if there are problems w/ the GC's behavior, as in your GC's case. And believe me, that, too, is not uncommon in these situations, either b/c the parent(s) didn't take time/know how to discipline their kids or b/c the kids are reacting to the various traumas they have been through. But that probably doesn't make it any easier for you, I know.

The fact that you and DW are not on the same page about how to handle the kids makes it all even harder, of course. I totally agree w/ Mame and Sue that counseling is, most likely, in order. There may come a time when leaving is the only answer for you. But if you (and DW) haven't tried counseling (maybe you have), I don't think you're at that point yet.

Whatever you do,  please keep talking w/ us...

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

P.S. Like Mame, I'm wondering if the kids are getting any therapy. If so, has it helped at all? If not, IMO, it would be a good idea.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jane, you should not feel guilty for how you feel, I or we have had a child or grand child living with us our entire marriage until last September. 

My oldest GDD has a jailbird Bio-Dad and my DD did not marry him. When she was 5 my DD met a guy we thought was great compared to the Bio Dad. He was a teacher and great w/our GDD. Again my DD got pregnant, my (don't get pregnant out of wed-lock to my girls went to deaf ears) so this guy marries her and adopts my GDD. They then had twins and  it all chg. the attitude toward my GDD chg. even by my DD. She was pushed to the side. They were very strict, but in a mean way, so thru the years as the twins grew she watched like a hawk the difference in the way they were not strict, or mean. My SIL now treated her like the typical adopted child. She started to act out around 14 just really wanting my DD attention. They threw into therapy, into places for girls, then around 15 a detention center for 30 days, which ended up 3 months. No calls no visits, and when she went to Court wanted to send her to a Foster Home.The detention center as well as us could not believe my DD just more or less threw her out. 

We could not let her go to a Foster Home the detention center tried it and she called up asking to have them come get her. They detention Center said she was the best girl they ever had there and should not be there and never heard of a child calling to come back from a  trial Foster Home. Then they were going to send her to  Foster Home w/a lady of a different race, and she said she would have run away.She was w/us about 10 mos and now 16 so CYS let her make the decision to go home.  Well things never changed but she stuck it until my GS sd my SIL punched him in the eye and gave him a black eye. When my GDD reported him,  they threw her out again, and my GS denied the punching, he's afraid of my SIL, and no chgs filed. This man is a teacher. !! She was an honor student thru all this w/.8 Colleges sending her letters they were accepting her. My DD didn't even know it,  but did send a copy of her College Fund w/a zero balance. She didn't even know she had it, but now she did, w/ a zero balance. She couldn't go to college because no money and she didn't want to start out w/ just ALL Student Loans. She's.s working on a smaller college to get into some kind of Hospital work.  

I would not have anyone tell me to put my GC into Foster Care unless they have been in this situation. It was one of the hardest things we did. We had to get her out of a deep depression, her own Mother didn't want her. I will mention this, my SIL get $ from his rich parents when ever he need it, oh the dryer broke, or the dish washer, or the car, I'm talking BIG stuff. He even paid a $500.00  tax a month for them, so we figure my DD picked money over her own DD. I only hope there is a special place in hell for people like them. My SO and I began arguing more than we ever had, and we will be married 54 yrs in May, now  we have a teen in the house 24 /7. A sad High School graduation she wouldn't  come to if we were there. I told her to take her she was her Mother,she said she couldn't do that to us.My DD ended not going because she couldn't sneak out or bring the other 3 the SIL would know it, so she didn't go, we did. 

We also have 50 % custody of our GS at 19 mos because  my DD was killed, he had court order times but he hated his dad and almost always lived w/us.  He's  now 15 and just stopped coming over so much because his Dad got him a computer, another dirt ball, he got my daughter drunk, and pregnant. We didn't like him and still don't he was a friend was suppose to be helping her thru a hard time in her life, depression etc. and that's when the drunk. and pregnant. Not a husband just a dirt ball BF. Got mad at me once and spit at me, need less to say that is 1 of many reasons I do not talk to him.  We got the  50% custody because he's a dirt ball.

You  should not feel guilty, it is not our job to be raising our GCH  we are  just the Guardian Angels there to try to give them the best  life we can. Some days I was so exhausted I was  down on  the sofa by 4 o'clock. When our  DD was killed my health went out the window,  my asthma came back, I now have COPD, never smoked., oxygen 24/7. My SO works PT so I think that saved him, I lost 20 lbs and didn't even realize it until I got Christmas clothes. Several major surgeries. 

I don't feel guilty esp my GS, but I unfortunately I have a lot of hatred I have to deal with these 2 people plus the boy who killed my DD. It's not easy for me to have such hatred toward my own DD,I LOVE her,I miss her, but I can not believe what she had done to my GDD. I can not believe the names she has called me .I have no guilt and you shouldn't. either, we're doing the best we can with a bad situation,  I'm just praying there is karma, GOD  surely can not let these parents get away with these action of tossing their away, and in my eyes these CHD are Lucky to have us and not have to go into Foster Care.

We have every right to feel angry for the situation our CHD have put us in, just do the best you can, GOD will reward us.  

 

Sorry it's long, even this has a lot missing. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, godsgifts said:

 

We could not let her go to a Foster Home the detention center tried it and she called up asking to have them come get her. They detention Center said she was the best girl they ever had there and should not be there and never heard of a child calling to come back from a  trial Foster Home. Then they were going to send her to  Foster Home w/a lady of a different race, and she said she would have run away.She was w/us about 10 mos and now 16 so CYS let her make the decision to go home.  Well things never changed but she stuck it until my GS sd my SIL punched him in the eye and gave him a black eye. When my GDD reported him,  they threw her out again, and my GS denied the punching, he's afraid of my SIL, and no chgs filed. This man is a teacher. !! She was an honor student thru all this w/.8 Colleges sending her letters they were accepting her. My DD didn't even know it,  but did send a copy of her College Fund w/a zero balance. She didn't even know she had it, but now she did, w/ a zero balance. She couldn't go to college because no money and she didn't want to start out w/ just ALL Student Loans. She's.s working on a smaller college to get into some kind of Hospital work.  

About the bolded - FWIW, this suggests to me that SIL is a generally abusive man and not just cruel to GDD, after all. Maybe it only comes out after a kid reaches a certain age, but if GS is "afraid of" him, then, perhaps none of the kids are 100% happy and secure in that house. Not that this makes you feel any better, of course... Just a thought...

It's definitely scary that he is a teacher! Also, so sorry about GDD's college fund, but glad she has found a way to insure her future.

 

We also have 50 % custody of our GS at 19 mos because  my DD was killed, he had court order times but he hated his dad and almost always lived w/us.  He's  now 15 and just stopped coming over so much because his Dad got him a computer...

Not surprised. :)  It's very normal, IMO, for teenagers to gravitate more towards their personal interests, such as computers, and social life, etc. No doubt, he knows who gave/will always give him the most love.

You  should not feel guilty, it is not our job to be raising our GCH  we are  just the Guardian Angels there to try to give them the best  life we can. Some days I was so exhausted I was  down on  the sofa by 4 o'clock. When our  DD was killed my health went out the window,  my asthma came back, I now have COPD, never smoked., oxygen 24/7. My SO works PT so I think that saved him, I lost 20 lbs and didn't even realize it until I got Christmas clothes. Several major surgeries. 

I don't feel guilty esp my GS, but I unfortunately I have a lot of hatred I have to deal with these 2 people plus the boy who killed my DD. It's not easy for me to have such hatred toward my own DD,I LOVE her,I miss her, but I can not believe what she had done to my GDD. I can not believe the names she has called me .I have no guilt and you shouldn't. either, we're doing the best we can with a bad situation,  I'm just praying there is karma, GOD  surely can not let these parents get away with these action of tossing their away, and in my eyes these CHD are Lucky to have us and not have to go into Foster Care.

We have every right to feel angry for the situation our CHD have put us in, just do the best you can, GOD will reward us.  

I hope your health improves over time and that your anger subsides, especially if it's affecting your health in any way. (I agree you have a right to be angry though.) Sounds like you have a strong faith seeing you through. IMO, that part is good.

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

RoseRed135  Yes he is very abusive, and we think he may have given our DD a black eye but she denied it was him. He is VERY LOUD and he is always screaming at them. Even CYS told me how he was such a bad Dad when they observed him on visits for my GDD. Yet they sent her back to him under our objections.  All my GCH are on medication for something. My twin GDD is on meds because she can't fall asleep. Twin GS  hyper and anger problems, and youngest unruly.  My DD only saw the bad in this GDD not his 3 . She reminds her too much of the scum bad Dad she has and hates him and takes it out on her.  Very scary and unreal he is a teacher.   No just sad they took the College $, but had to  send her the book w /a zero bal. She is absolutely devastated with all of this, her own Mother doesn't want her, and then all the other crap.    

I'm not upset w/ GS w/Dad more because of what you said, friends/ etc. he will come here if he has to. It just bothers me because of the being around such a bad man. I'm afraid it rubs off, or praying some of our having him helped. He does visit a good Aunt w/3 kids so that is a PLUS.

My health is way beyond nothing but treating it not to get worse at this point, some will never go away or be completely better. I do what I can for it not to get worse if I can but it is what it is. My hatred toward them I just can't see going away, too much hurt and pain. I have tried, but it always seems to be there. Too many memories in front of my face, being the 2 GCH. I hated GOD after my DD died, but after a while when I didn't jump off a bridge, I knew GOD was helping me get thru it I just couldn't do it alone.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, godsgifts said:

RoseRed135  Yes he is very abusive, and we think he may have given our DD a black eye but she denied it was him. He is VERY LOUD and he is always screaming at them. Even CYS told me how he was such a bad Dad when they observed him on visits for my GDD. Yet they sent her back to him under our objections.  All my GCH are on medication for something. My twin GDD is on meds because she can't fall asleep. Twin GS  hyper and anger problems, and youngest unruly.  My DD only saw the bad in this GDD not his 3 . She reminds her too much of the scum bad Dad she has and hates him and takes it out on her.  Very scary and unreal he is a teacher.   No just sad they took the College $, but had to  send her the book w /a zero bal. She is absolutely devastated with all of this, her own Mother doesn't want her, and then all the other crap.    

I'm not upset w/ GS w/Dad more because of what you said, friends/ etc. he will come here if he has to. It just bothers me because of the being around such a bad man. I'm afraid it rubs off, or praying some of our having him helped. He does visit a good Aunt w/3 kids so that is a PLUS.

My health is way beyond nothing but treating it not to get worse at this point, some will never go away or be completely better. I do what I can for it not to get worse if I can but it is what it is. My hatred toward them I just can't see going away, too much hurt and pain. I have tried, but it always seems to be there. Too many memories in front of my face, being the 2 GCH. I hated GOD after my DD died, but after a while when I didn't jump off a bridge, I knew GOD was helping me get thru it I just couldn't do it alone.  

... Peace...

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jane, don't beat yourself up I think there are a lot of people who feel the same way as you do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My grandkids were in foster care and I was the one who had to call CPS. They were in another state.  I was a single grandma, had a BF. Was living in a condo with my two youngest kids who were teens at the time.  I am a mom of six kids and it was the daughter who had issues throughout life and was on SSI due to mental health, ADHD.  She became a drug addict with three of the kids father.  His family are all addicts.  She joined the bandwagon.  CPS stepped in and at the time i didnt know much about addiction. i figured she would clean up her act to save her famly and reunite. I was in a different state.  Turns out she wasnt able to do that. Kids were in foster care two years and during that time my bf agreed to finance the legal battle to get them otu of state custody and move them to us.  two years and five foster care later, we won the battle and four of the kids came home.  then to find another was in the oven and we went to the same attorney to get custody thru court without cps involvement.  we won.  so now five kids in our care. baby was 3 days old.  daughter was very much addicted to heroin and the lifestyle.  we did everything to get her help but there is no help for heroin and she died.  older two girls had no father known to anyone. not even on the birth certificate so they were orphaned but we had legal custody already. three youngers had many issues since it was them my daughter used.  both parents used and even fathers sperm is effected by drugs they have discovered so kids have dev disabilities, autism, adhd, global delays.  behavioral and learning as well as physical dev issues.  11 appts a week.  i quit my full time job to care for them.  i became sick with the stress. husband (got married during court battle) became a garage hermit and passive aggressive and a bully to the kids as his way of dealing with stress. we have not slept together in five years now.  i have SSDI for fibromyalgia that triggered with the stress, depression, anxiety.  i am raising kids on my own. my son helps two days a week to give me a break.  older girls are teens with mental health bipolar disorder and pms is trigger each month of psychotic episodes, four eyars of therapy and no progress.  all are in school.  all have IEPs tailored to needs cause of my demands and hard work, they are all doing well in their programs in different schools.  Kids are happy.  It's hell and it's hard.  I'm sick. My house is trashed. boys are autistic and meltdowns are destructive.  big screen tv was punched in by the 5 year old last month. things like that are now normal here.  second oldest used to beat me up, it's been a year since she stopped but she could start again and that worries me.  i have stayed close to a DHS worker for support and questions as a resource.  Police involvement with the older girls has been constant and they have history now.  I want a divorce. my bully 'step grandpa' is hurting everything i am trying to do.  he takes whatever little energy i have left. he has aspergers too and is a hoarder and I ahve OCD.  I didnt know this until we moved in together and we were already in a court battle to sav the kids so i did not pull away.  he wasnt a bully then, just rude.  now it's a constant. zero interaction with kids. an alcoholic hermit hoarder who spends most time in the garage in front of a computer.  he has not worked in three years and my disability and kids SSI is supporting us. so this is my question.  in the divorce would a judge let me stay here iwth the kids since i am supporting and managing the household, i started an online jewelry business to make ends meet since ssi is not enough or food stamps.  the online business sells enough to pay for needs like high utility bills, school and recreation, gas money.  so i can prove i am the sole supporter at this point. i need the house for the kids, to raise them.  he bought it with his down payment and credit.  i paid every mtg since moving in. i feel he is using me to live free and grow equity.  aside from paying the full mortgage, tax and insurance for the past 7 years, i also gave him 20K in 2013 when i got my award towards my share of the down payment.  my question. would a judge take the kids home away in a divorce settlement.  losing this home would ruin the stability i have created. the kids are doing well in school and love school and their friends.  i do not want to take that away from them.  also with the high needs of these kids and the headcount we couldnt rent anywhere, we would get evicted after a few autistic meltdowns the first day.  what do i do. i do not have moeny to pay an attorney and am searching online for answers.  i am in the state of oregon, anyone???

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

1 hour ago, MaribethPeters said:

My grandkids were in foster care and I was the one who had to call CPS. They were in another state.  I was a single grandma, had a BF. Was living in a condo with my two youngest kids who were teens at the time.  I am a mom of six kids and it was the daughter who had issues throughout life and was on SSI due to mental health, ADHD.  She became a drug addict with three of the kids father.  His family are all addicts.  She joined the bandwagon.  CPS stepped in and at the time i didnt know much about addiction. i figured she would clean up her act to save her famly and reunite. I was in a different state.  Turns out she wasnt able to do that. Kids were in foster care two years and during that time my bf agreed to finance the legal battle to get them otu of state custody and move them to us.  two years and five foster care later, we won the battle and four of the kids came home.  then to find another was in the oven and we went to the same attorney to get custody thru court without cps involvement.  we won.  so now five kids in our care. baby was 3 days old.  daughter was very much addicted to heroin and the lifestyle.  we did everything to get her help but there is no help for heroin and she died.  older two girls had no father known to anyone. not even on the birth certificate so they were orphaned but we had legal custody already. three youngers had many issues since it was them my daughter used.  both parents used and even fathers sperm is effected by drugs they have discovered so kids have dev disabilities, autism, adhd, global delays.  behavioral and learning as well as physical dev issues.  11 appts a week.  i quit my full time job to care for them.  i became sick with the stress. husband (got married during court battle) became a garage hermit and passive aggressive and a bully to the kids as his way of dealing with stress. we have not slept together in five years now.  i have SSDI for fibromyalgia that triggered with the stress, depression, anxiety.  i am raising kids on my own. my son helps two days a week to give me a break.  older girls are teens with mental health bipolar disorder and pms is trigger each month of psychotic episodes, four eyars of therapy and no progress.  all are in school.  all have IEPs tailored to needs cause of my demands and hard work, they are all doing well in their programs in different schools.  Kids are happy.  It's hell and it's hard.  I'm sick. My house is trashed. boys are autistic and meltdowns are destructive.  big screen tv was punched in by the 5 year old last month. things like that are now normal here.  second oldest used to beat me up, it's been a year since she stopped but she could start again and that worries me.  i have stayed close to a DHS worker for support and questions as a resource.  Police involvement with the older girls has been constant and they have history now.  I want a divorce. my bully 'step grandpa' is hurting everything i am trying to do.  he takes whatever little energy i have left. he has aspergers too and is a hoarder and I ahve OCD.  I didnt know this until we moved in together and we were already in a court battle to sav the kids so i did not pull away.  he wasnt a bully then, just rude.  now it's a constant. zero interaction with kids. an alcoholic hermit hoarder who spends most time in the garage in front of a computer.  he has not worked in three years and my disability and kids SSI is supporting us. so this is my question.  in the divorce would a judge let me stay here iwth the kids since i am supporting and managing the household, i started an online jewelry business to make ends meet since ssi is not enough or food stamps.  the online business sells enough to pay for needs like high utility bills, school and recreation, gas money.  so i can prove i am the sole supporter at this point. i need the house for the kids, to raise them.  he bought it with his down payment and credit.  i paid every mtg since moving in. i feel he is using me to live free and grow equity.  aside from paying the full mortgage, tax and insurance for the past 7 years, i also gave him 20K in 2013 when i got my award towards my share of the down payment.  my question. would a judge take the kids home away in a divorce settlement.  losing this home would ruin the stability i have created. the kids are doing well in school and love school and their friends.  i do not want to take that away from them.  also with the high needs of these kids and the headcount we couldnt rent anywhere, we would get evicted after a few autistic meltdowns the first day.  what do i do. i do not have moeny to pay an attorney and am searching online for answers.  i am in the state of oregon, anyone???

Wow. My heart goes out to you and your GC (grandkids)! And, of course, my deepest condolences on the loss of your DD (dear daughter). I am so very, very sorry for all of your troubles, but glad you brought them to us.

Bless you, bless you, bless you for taking in your GC in their time of need and being there for them despite all problems! 5 kids - and w/ various difficulies - that's a lot to take on! I bow to you!

You shouldn't have to live in fear of being beaten though, and therapy, IMO, should have led to some progress. Is it possible to get a new therapist? Or could it be that family therapy is needed? TG, you have that DHS worker for support, etc. I hope you're also getting help for your depression & anxiety, Please try to be good to yourself.

I'm sorry to hear about the way your H (husband) has changed. Maybe all this was too much for him? Could he  also be suffering from depression/has he had a medical checkup recently?

Regardless, I understand if you want a divorce, anyway. I'm going to do some googling and see if I can find out anything about Oregon divorce laws. Also, perhaps some other members will have some helpful information.

But nothing is a substitute for speaking to an attorney in your own state. Some of them allow 1 free consultation, so perhaps you could get in, at least, one such conversation to give you the lay of the land. Also, would it be possible for you to hire a legal aid lawyer? Or someone who would take this case pro bono? I admit, IDK if  pro bono attorneys generally handle divorce cases. But maybe under the circumstances?

Whatever happens, we're here for you!

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

P.S. Meanwhile, if that's your actual email addy or first and last names in your username, we recommend that you change it for greater privacy. To see how to do so, click on the following MIL Anonymous thread:

 

Also, we generally ask members not to post in threads that are more than 3 months old, unless they're the OP (original poster) or it's a "stickypost"/ thread pinned (thumb tack icon) to the front of the forum. This thread is much older than that. Please avoid pulling up such old threads in the future. Thank you,  I'll leave it up to the discretion of the Lead Moderator of this forum whether or not to lock this one. :)

ETA: Googled "who gets the house in a divorce in oregon?" Found a number of relevant sites. You may want to do the same.

One of the sites - Oregon Divorce Source:Oregon Property Division - gave a lot of detail, including this possible outcome:

One spouse (usually the custodial parent) remains in the home with the exclusive use and possession for a certain period of time (for example, until the youngest child graduates from high school), then either buys out the other spouse or sells the home and divides the proceeds.

This ^^^^ might be helpful to you if it's decided that you're the custodial GP. But again, nothing is a substitute for consulting a lawyer.

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now