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sunshine97325

Don't feel like a Grandma yet...

170 posts in this topic

My son who is 24 and DIL who is 21, had our first Grandchild in Nov. 2013. On my daughters 23 birthday.

 

We barely get to see him once a week. When we do see him we have to get caught up on what all has been going on all his changes. I feel like an acquaintance more than family.  Her Grandparents who raised her get to see them almost daily. DIL goes to her Grandmas while my son is at work etc. If not spend time together they talk or text daily. We all live within 10 minutes apart. I would understand if we lived farther away. But, we are pretty close.

 

We would go to their place but she says its to crowded with baby things. They are always on the go. To her families or friends houses. 

 

We have to invite them over for dinner or  a visit. Or we have to start a text to see how they are doing. I am so surprised . I thought we would be connected at least through the cell phone. NOT. 

 

I just want to know if this is normal? Do, I just let go and let them come to us when they want. Or to I keep trying? I feel if I don't try that they will feel we don't want to be a part. We really do. 

 

One thing is for sure they come over more when my Son needs to use his Dads shop for projects on his truck or others. That will be kicking in more since the weather is getting better. I hate it because we are being USED. Not just coming around to visit and be a family. 

 

Any advice???

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Welcome sunshine. I don't know if you have been reading before you posted or not, but we have both MILs and DILs here and you will get advice from both.

I am a grandmother. I have one granddaughter by our daughter and another by our son. When DDs baby was a newborn we saw them approx once a week. As she has grown, the time spreads out. We see our other GD approx every six weeks or two months.

If you are seeing your new grandchild weekly, you have much to be thankful for, because it seems that once every month or so is pretty much the normal. I also think it is fairly normal for a young mother to spend time with her own family members while her husband is at work. Most DILs really have no desire to spend time with hubby's parents when he isn't along for the visit. Did you enjoy alone visits with your own MIL?

I try to let my AC take the lead in the relationship they choose to have with us. I do call them occasionally, but I will send an email or call their home phone and leave a message while they are at work. I really try not to interfere in their day to day life. Todays parents of young children leave full and busy lives and for the most part, our sons do advocate for us and make plans to spend time with us when it fits in their busy schedules.

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Welcome sunshine97325! And congratulations on your new GS (grandson)! Like Sue, I'm a GM and I understand your frustration at not seeing baby as much as you thought you would/think you should. especially since the GGPs (great-grandparents) see him so much more. But I also want to second Sue's suggestion that it's "fairly normal" for DIL to turn to them, just as DS (dear son) would probably reach out to you, if anyone, if he were the one at home with baby. And, if we must compare, I want to echo her point that many GPs, today, see their GC way less than you do.

 

I'm not sure how you know that DIL goes to her GPs "almost daily" or that when she doesn't they still talk on the phone or text every day. But, apparently, she, DS and baby also spend a lot of time going to friends' houses or other of her family members. That says to me that they have a full schedule, dividing themselves up between various family members and friends. Perhaps some of the others also wish they could see them more or find they have to invite them to get to see them. Or not. Just a thought.

 

We have to invite them over for dinner or  a visit.

 

I take that to mean that they never invite you. But that may be b/c, as you told us, DIL feels her house is "too crowded with baby things."  Hey, they've only been parents about 3 months and have been, it seems, quite busy, socially, in that time. Chances are, they haven't gotten as organized as they'd like, something I totally understand. From what you've posted, it seems she doesn't have her GPs over, either - she goes to them.

 

But you seem to be thinking of  nor proffering the invites, anymore, and just waiting to see if they'd like to come over. Am I right? If it means a lot to you that they initiate the visits, then, by all means, back off the inviting, for a while. Same if you'd rather let them take the lead, as Sue mentions. Or it you feel they're being too stressed out by being pulled different ways (perhaps) by family and friends. (If this last is a concern of yours, you could also solve it by cutting back on the invites, rather than ending them, altogether.) But if it means a lot to you to see them every week or so, then I think you can continue inviting, as long as you see they keep coming. You'll just have to accept the fact that all the invitations and hosting will be on your part. A little lopsided, no doubt, but hey, you and DH (dear husband) might decide it's worth it.

 

Or we have to start a text to see how they are doing. I am so surprised . I thought we would be connected at least through the cell phone. NOT.

 

Sorry but I'm not quite sure what this means. if they're texting with you, then you are "connected through the cell phone," yes? Perhaps you mean that it would be a 2-way street and they would begin the text convos, sometimes? Or that you would actually talk on the phone instead of texting? Rest assured, many people, today, esp young people tend to prefer texting. And please cut them some slack as far as beginning those text conversations. Remember, not only do they appear to have  a full schedule but they're still learning the ropes as parents. At this point, at least, I don't think you should take any of this personally.

 

Actually, I think a lot of the problem here is a matter of "mismatched expectations." Clearly, you had a certain vision in your head of how things would be when GS was born and either DS and DIL didn't share that vision or it just hasn't worked out that way. That's where that sense of not feeling "like a Grandma yet" is coming from, I think, very understandably.  It hurts, I know, to have hopes dashed and I so feel for you. If you can adjust/lower your expectations, however, I think you'll soon be feeling much better.

 

Meanwhile, I sent you a PM (private/personal message). To find it, just click on the box with the envelope on it (above, right).

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DIL speaking here so I'm going to try to give you some perspective from the other side. 

 

First off I gotta say that you actually see your grandchild a lot.  My parents live pretty close by and I get along great with them and you see your grandkid way more than they see my son.  And my ILs, who we also get along with, see my son only once every 6 - 8 weeks.  So, actually, what you have - seeing your grandchild once a week - is not normal at all.  You see him way more than the average I think.  So try to see the positive here. 

 

As far as how much DIL's grandmother sees the baby, try not to make comparisons because it will only make you unhappy about what is a pretty good situation.  Please try to understand that you are not DIL's grandmother.  You didn't raise her so you are not going too be as close to her as her grandmother is.  Since you are not her grandmother you cannot realistically expect the same relationship with her that her grandmother has.  You cannot expect DIL to go over and visit like she does her grandmother.  Do you expect your son to go over and visit DIL's parents by himself without DIL?  I get along with my ILs but I never visit them without DH - even though I am a stay-at-home-mom.  I think you are going to have to adjust your expectations because if you start pushing DIL for solo visits she may back away from you.  You wouldn't want that, would you? 

 

You say that you are always calling or texting for visits so I'm going to suggest you back off from that a bit.  That way you won't feel like you are always chasing them and it will give them a chance to invite you.  Plus, the constant calling and texting may be a little annoying to them.  It is something that would annoy me.  Give them a chance to miss you a bit so give them some space. 

 

You also say that you feel like you are being used.  I suggest you stop allowing your son to come over to use you and your DH for the shop.  You have a right to tell him that it isn't a good time or you'd rather he not use the shop.  Don't let yourself be used or you will grow to resent your son. 

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Oh my, I am so sorry to hear that Grandparenting so far is so disappointing for you. I agree with the poster above that said this sounds like a case of mismatched expectations. Your wants are not wrong and their choice of how to spend their time is not wrong, they are just different.

 

You are seeing them once a week. Honestly, I think that is quite a bit. This young couple, at 21 & 24 - how long have they been married? living together? and now a baby? My point is - these two have had quite a lot of changes in their lives in a relatively short period of time. Give them a chance to find their footing as parents & as husband and wife.  My suggestion to you is to take a deep breath and relax. Enjoy the time you do have with them & their son. Enjoy the time you are not with them - don't try to make your life revolve around this new tiny person. How often are you calling & texting them? If you pull back a little, give them a little room, you might start to see more initiation on their part. My guess is they are hearing from you so often they don't have anything new to say to initiate their own calls/texts.

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Welcome Sunshine! I'm going to chime in that you actually do get to see them quite frequently. My parents live nearby and we see them about once every other week  or so. My FIL the same. Something to think about - you say that your DIL takes your GS to see her grandmother while your son is working. And you see them once a week, I'm assuming this is when your son isn't working. Not sure how long you see them for when you visit with them, but I'm sure that time when he isn't working and can spend time with his son is very precious to them as a family. They are sacrificing their family time to spend time with you, that speaks volumes as to their relationship with you. The best advice that I can offer is to concentrate on the time you have with them, not on the time you don't. Don't worry about how much time anyone else is spending with them. Don't spend your time worrying about something when in all likelihood there isn't anything to worry about. 

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I know a posted quite a bit b4 but I can't believe I forgot to address the issue of DS seeming to "use" you and DH when he needs to do projects etc. I realize that a PP covered that, but it's an issue that rings a bell for me b/c my DH was "guiity" of a similar "offense" - relying on his dad's tools when we were first married. He often stopped by their house, just to borrow a tool and rarely visited, except on holidays or to borrow or return said tools. His feeling was that since they lived nearby, why should he buy his own tools when it was so easy just to borrow theirs.

 

Granted, for many years we had my ILs over to our house on a regular basis so I don't think they minded DH's coming to borrow tools(or maybe they just didn't say). But it used to bother me b/c I thought that part of having our own home was having our own equipment, including tools. Also, I felt that if we wanted to be treated as adults (this was often an issue with our parents), we should have our own tools, etc. and not constantly have to borrow from any of our parents. Eventually, he got his own tools, after a big argument with his dad (not about tools).

 

But IDK if DS has anywhere else to do his projects, etc. And he may see the situation the same way my DH did the issue about the tools. Coming over more when he needs to work on his truck, etc. may just seem like a no-brainer to him. He may not realize that you feel as if you're being "used."  But, of course, as has been said, you can turn down certain visits.

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I know a posted quite a bit b4 but I can't believe I forgot to address the issue of DS seeming to "use" you and DH when he needs to do projects etc. I realize that a PP covered that, but it's an issue that rings a bell for me b/c my DH was "guiity" of a similar "offense" - relying on his dad's tools when we were first married. He often stopped by their house, just to borrow a tool and rarely visited, except on holidays or to borrow or return said tools. His feeling was that since they lived nearby, why should he buy his own tools when it was so easy just to borrow theirs.

 

Granted, for many years we had my ILs over to our house on a regular basis so I don't think they minded DH's coming to borrow tools(or maybe they just didn't say). But it used to bother me b/c I thought that part of having our own home was having our own equipment, including tools. Also, I felt that if we wanted to be treated as adults (this was often an issue with our parents), we should have our own tools, etc. and not constantly have to borrow from any of our parents. Eventually, he got his own tools, after a big argument with his dad (not about tools).

 

But IDK if DS has anywhere else to do his projects, etc. And he may see the situation the same way my DH did the issue about the tools. Coming over more when he needs to work on his truck, etc. may just seem like a no-brainer to him. He may not realize that you feel as if you're being "used."  But, of course, as has been said, you can turn down certain visits.

Thanks for responding.

 

As you know I am a first time Grandparent. So, I have no clue what to EXPECT. So you saying its "mismatched expectations." I have no idea what to expect. I have a good it sounds like from what others have said. I have no friends that are Grandparents. So, no one local to help me out. I am the first one.

 

I meant by the cell phone, I thought we would be connected at least through that. We used to text before the baby came. My DIL and I visit very well together. So, when something special happens etc she could share it. They do stay busy by their choice. They always have been out of their house on their free time at others places. So, them being out and about now is no different. They are not over scheduled its how they work. 

 

My son is the quiet one. He has took advantage of having a wife and having her make the plans. But, when I do ask them both over for dinner etc. He says yes no problem. 

 

Yes, my son has his own two car garage that he is filling up with tools. He has a project to do for a friend and he will hopefully take the one tool he really needs to his place. We can always bring it here when my husband needs it. I am so excited for him to do things at his place. He does things on the side to make money.  Right now if they were to come over for a project, there is no time to talk etc. They bring other people etc. My husband thinks if we don't let him use our shop we won't see them at all. He is pretty bummed on what to do. I feel he needs to do things on his own. Call for help when he needs a hand etc. But, the big stuff his place. My husband is working on his own race car, and has his own projects. So, our shop is a working shop. 

 

My MIL didn't live in the same state as us. She also was never the type of Grandma that wanted a great connection with her Grand kids she had several. My husband and I are totally different than her. More family orientated etc. His Dad came for long  stay visits and I hung out with him while my husband was at work. He was more into the family side of things. We used to have both my side and husbands side of family together for holidays and birthdays. We tried to have everyone connected and a part. We would talk on the phone etc. Send letters and photos. 

 

It just feels like we are just an everyday person and not the Grandparents. A very sad feeling. But, as everyone seems to say we have it good. A one hour visit is better than what it could be. 

 

Her Grandma said that DIL puts photos  and updates on Facebook. I don't do Facebook. Sounds like I am missing out. 

 

We will see what the future brings. Its in their hands also not just ours. 

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I'm not sure I understand your statement that you feel like "everyday" people and not grandparents.  What exactly do you think it means to be a grandparent.  What will it take to make you feel like one?  As others have said, you see your grandchild an awful lot - more than a lot of grandparents.  If you are seeing the baby that often and you get along with your son and DIL then I'm not sure what more you need to feel like a grandparent.  Do you really need to see the baby every day to feel like a grandparent? 

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Thank you for answering our questions, sunshine! It sounds as if you and DH were a very loving, thoughtful, sociable,  family-oriented couple and I'm sorry that DS and DIL aren't adhering to the quite same pattern (well, ok, clearly, they're very social but not the same way). That must be disappointing for you and DH, no doubt. But please rest assured that it doesn't mean they dislike you or don't want you in their lives. It just means they're doing things a different way. That's all.

 

You say you "have no clue what to EXPECT." But it sounds as if you were expecting DS and DIL to follow that same pattern with family, etc. And for you and DIL to remain connected via the cell phone, with the calls going both ways. Or if not "expecting" it, then hoping or wishing for it, etc.  Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the way it's working out. My point was that, IMO, you need to let those expectations - or hopes or wishes or whatever you would call them - go and just enjoy the relationship you have. One thing I've learned here is that its' better for parents/PILs/GPs not to have any definite expectations and just go with the flow.

 

Meanwhile, I'm glad to hear that DS will be doing more of his projects at his own home, from now on. I agree with you that it's better for him to be more independent. I get DH's concern but since it seems you see them about once a week, anyhow, I don't think there's much to worry about. I certainly hope not.

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I meant by the cell phone, I thought we would be connected at least through that. We used to text before the baby came. My DIL and I visit very well together. So, when something special happens etc she could share it. They do stay busy by their choice. They always have been out of their house on their free time at others places. So, them being out and about now is no different. They are not over scheduled its how they work. 

 

 

Just a note here. The baby is somewhere around 4 months old...You say you used to text before the baby came...THAT'S what changed...she has a baby to keep her busy and may not have the time to text on a regular basis or call. Cell phones are wonderful tools, but they also create false expectations. Call the house..no one answers (if the have a home phone at all) Call the cell phone..no one answers. Text the cell phone..no reply...WHY WON'T THEY ANSWER ME...instant gratification. I think we are all guilty of it. But quite frankly, the only people I pick up the phone or text back immediately are my DH and our two teenaged DDs. If I have time, I answer for my mom (or if she calls over and over - in which case I imagine emergency) and friends. My MIL never called my phone when she was alive, she called my DH's. And my FIL only calls mine when he can't get DH. 

 

You are new to grandparenting - but you aren't new to parenting. So take a deep breath and remember what it was like to be a first time mom with a newborn. How busy you were. How you probably napped when they baby napped and were involved with the baby when awake. New parents sometimes don't have the time to text back or have their phone turned off for nap time. And she's just a few months postpartum, and likely sleep deprived. I would cut them both some slack and be patient. 

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Its hard explain where I am coming from. Yes, they are new parents, they are tired, busy etc. They are keeping the same lifestyle they had before the baby was born. They just have more to take along.

 

We are all  on our cell phone plan, the data and minutes are being used just the same as before or even more now. I thought with a cell phone I would get a random photo or a little bit like he rolled over or eating solid foods. When they come over sometimes it seems like we should know what all is happening like those two things for example and had no clue. Things change all the time. He is not the same baby as he was and will change daily it seems like.  Its exciting. I would share it through long distance phone calls or handwritten letters. Send photos that had to be developed. Things are so much easier now. She does have a Facebook page so that may be how she sends out the info. I don't want to have one just for that. 

 

It sounds like it is really rare that a MIL and DIL call or text each other. I have never gone through only my son. I go through both. Her and I carry on conversations really good like girls do. My son is to the point like he is with everyone. I don't call and call or get upset they don't reply. They usually do. Its just the random ones from them would be nice and fun. They share it through Facebook why not through a cell phone text to a Grandparent?? I guess I am the only Grandparent or parent that would like to hear the newest thing along with Facebook friends. ( or a rare person also not to have a Facebook! So, its my loss.)

 

Yes, patience is important and I have done well. I thought finding a site like this would help me work through my odd feelings and see if I am normal or not. Sounds like I am above average seeing my Grandson. And I am not average for the feelings I have. I have never talked to them about why we don't see them much or hear from them. I have kept it to myself. I need to let it out to help myself work through it. It does get better everything does. So, that is why I tried this site out. 

 

Usually, I would talk to my Mom but she has passed away seven months ago. She would understand more where I am coming from , due to my brothers daughter she wasn't as close to as she was with my two kids. Due to how her Mom does things. A very sad thing. BUT, they would for sure connect when they needed school clothes etc. 

 

I am also thinking, that we don't see or hear from our son and family often due to they don't need help. That is a great thing. They are independent and busy etc. The time we do really hear from them is when they need our shop. It goes is spurts when he needs it for his side jobs.  But, that will be changing hopefully, so when we do see them its for a true visit and catch up time!! Of  course I will take what I get. That is why my husband was worried about taking away the use of the shop it would give us less time with them. But, when they are here for that type of thing its working and hard to visit. So, its not the same. 

 

Only time will tell.

 

There is more to the story hard to explain but at least I am able to get some of it out. Thanks for reading and responding. Patience is a good thing.  Little things make me very happy. 

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Its hard explain where I am coming from. Yes, they are new parents, they are tired, busy etc. They are keeping the same lifestyle they had before the baby was born. They just have more to take along.

 

We are all  on our cell phone plan, the data and minutes are being used just the same as before or even more now. I thought with a cell phone I would get a random photo or a little bit like he rolled over or eating solid foods. When they come over sometimes it seems like we should know what all is happening like those two things for example and had no clue. Things change all the time. He is not the same baby as he was and will change daily it seems like.  Its exciting. I would share it through long distance phone calls or handwritten letters. Send photos that had to be developed. Things are so much easier now. She does have a Facebook page so that may be how she sends out the info. I don't want to have one just for that. 

 

It sounds like it is really rare that a MIL and DIL call or text each other. I have never gone through only my son. I go through both. Her and I carry on conversations really good like girls do. My son is to the point like he is with everyone. I don't call and call or get upset they don't reply. They usually do. Its just the random ones from them would be nice and fun. They share it through Facebook why not through a cell phone text to a Grandparent?? I guess I am the only Grandparent or parent that would like to hear the newest thing along with Facebook friends. ( or a rare person also not to have a Facebook! So, its my loss.)

 

Yes, patience is important and I have done well. I thought finding a site like this would help me work through my odd feelings and see if I am normal or not. Sounds like I am above average seeing my Grandson. And I am not average for the feelings I have. I have never talked to them about why we don't see them much or hear from them. I have kept it to myself. I need to let it out to help myself work through it. It does get better everything does. So, that is why I tried this site out. 

 

Usually, I would talk to my Mom but she has passed away seven months ago. She would understand more where I am coming from , due to my brothers daughter she wasn't as close to as she was with my two kids. Due to how her Mom does things. A very sad thing. BUT, they would for sure connect when they needed school clothes etc. 

 

I am also thinking, that we don't see or hear from our son and family often due to they don't need help. That is a great thing. They are independent and busy etc. The time we do really hear from them is when they need our shop. It goes is spurts when he needs it for his side jobs.  But, that will be changing hopefully, so when we do see them its for a true visit and catch up time!! Of  course I will take what I get. That is why my husband was worried about taking away the use of the shop it would give us less time with them. But, when they are here for that type of thing its working and hard to visit. So, its not the same. 

 

Only time will tell.

 

There is more to the story hard to explain but at least I am able to get some of it out. Thanks for reading and responding. Patience is a good thing.  Little things make me very happy. 

 

 

Sunshine, I totally get that it may be "hard to explain where (you're) coming from." Especially in posts on the Internet. In fact, it often takes time for an OP (original poster) to get down everything they could say/explain what they mean or fully grasp what other posters are saying in return. That's one of the reasons the continued conversations and questions can be helpful, IMO.

 

But. no, you are not the "only GP" who has these kinds of feelings. We hear about this often - GPs wanting more contact with their AC and CIL, whether via visits, phone calls, etc. Rest assured, you are not alone in this.

 

Nor are you the only person who isn't on FB (Facebook) though I suppose that is getting rare, these days. But it's very possible that Ds and DIL feel that sending out info on FB should be enough. That wouldn't be an unusual attitude, from what I've seen and heard. The fact that they  are keeping "the same lifestyle" as b4 the baby suggests to me that they may have decided to cut back on their forms of communication. Something has to give, somewhere, IMO.  So yes, they may have decided that they will take time out to post news on FB and that's it. Perhaps they don't even realize you're not on FB?

 

Sunshine, I know you'd like some random info, here and there, about baby. At times, no doubt, it would make your day. Please realize, though, that you're choosing not to connect through the only method they appear to be using to give such info. And that this part is your choice, not theirs.

 

Also, I'm a little confused about the visits. I thought you often invite them for dinner. But now you seem to be saying that when they're there, most of the time is spent working in the shop. Perhaps there's shopwork and then dinner or vice versa? if so, does dinner not give you all enough time to talk and catch up? (I suppose not.) It's great that you and DIL can have such good conversations - are you no longer able to have them,during these visits? And is that b/c she's working alongside of DS or b/c she's busy with baby?

 

Regardless, I'm glad you don't voice your concerns to DS and DIL, at the moment. And that you came here to try to work some of your feelings out. I hope it's helping! Looking forward to talking with you some more...

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Its hard explain where I am coming from. Yes, they are new parents, they are tired, busy etc. They are keeping the same lifestyle they had before the baby was born. They just have more to take along.

 

We are all  on our cell phone plan, the data and minutes are being used just the same as before or even more now. I thought with a cell phone I would get a random photo or a little bit like he rolled over or eating solid foods. When they come over sometimes it seems like we should know what all is happening like those two things for example and had no clue. Things change all the time. He is not the same baby as he was and will change daily it seems like.  Its exciting. I would share it through long distance phone calls or handwritten letters. Send photos that had to be developed. Things are so much easier now. She does have a Facebook page so that may be how she sends out the info. I don't want to have one just for that. 

 

If they come over once a week don't you talk about all the new things the baby is doing or do you not talk about the baby at all?  I mean, I assume if the baby rolled over sometime that week then when they sees you at the once a week visit either DIL or your son will tell you about the baby rolling over?  It's not like you are finding out these things weeks or months later.  You  make it sound as if you are totally in the dark about the baby for weeks or months at a time when I think in reality you are finding out about the new things the baby is doing just a few days later.  Is it that you want to know the second the baby does something new?  If so, then I think that's a little unrealistic.  Oftentimes busy moms just don't have the time to text everyone about every single thing their baby did that day.  I mean, when my son rolled over the first time or tried solids the first time I didn't think to tell anyone besides my husband that second because he's our kid and I didn't think anyone else really cared about those things with children who aren't theirs.  I think I probably told my mom about those milestones and firsts at some point after they happened but certainly not the second or day those things occurred. 

 

If it's really important to you then maybe you can ask your son to send you texts or pictures about those things.  Try to focus on the communication with him since my guess is that DIL is busy just trying to be a mom. 

 

It sounds like it is really rare that a MIL and DIL call or text each other. I have never gone through only my son. I go through both. Her and I carry on conversations really good like girls do. My son is to the point like he is with everyone. I don't call and call or get upset they don't reply. They usually do. Its just the random ones from them would be nice and fun. They share it through Facebook why not through a cell phone text to a Grandparent?? I guess I am the only Grandparent or parent that would like to hear the newest thing along with Facebook friends. ( or a rare person also not to have a Facebook! So, its my lo

 

It might be time for you to get a Facebook account.  Maybe you can follow your son's page and find out about all the baby's firsts through him. 

 

Yes, patience is important and I have done well. I thought finding a site like this would help me work through my odd feelings and see if I am normal or not. Sounds like I am above average seeing my Grandson. And I am not average for the feelings I have. I have never talked to them about why we don't see them much or hear from them. I have kept it to myself. I need to let it out to help myself work through it. It does get better everything does. So, that is why I tried this site out. 

 

Usually, I would talk to my Mom but she has passed away seven months ago. She would understand more where I am coming from , due to my brothers daughter she wasn't as close to as she was with my two kids. Due to how her Mom does things. A very sad thing. BUT, they would for sure connect when they needed school clothes etc. 

 

I am also thinking, that we don't see or hear from our son and family often due to they don't need help. That is a great thing. They are independent and busy etc. The time we do really hear from them is when they need our shop. It goes is spurts when he needs it for his side jobs.  But, that will be changing hopefully, so when we do see them its for a true visit and catch up time!! Of  course I will take what I get. That is why my husband was worried about taking away the use of the shop it would give us less time with them. But, when they are here for that type of thing its working and hard to visit. So, its not the same. 

 

When the visits are centered around the shop is it just your son who comes over or do DIL and the baby come too?  If it's just your son then maybe it might be a good idea to suggest meeting them for lunch, brunch or dinner once in a while so that you can have time to talk to each other.  It sounds like even though the visits are frequent they don't have much substance since there is no time to actually visit.  Maybe your husband can help your son set up his own shop.  I realize that you may not see him as often but then maybe, just maybe, you can have more substantive visits where you actually talk and catch up - sort of shifting the focus to the quality of the visits and not the quantity.  I hope that makes sense. 

 

Only time will tell.

 

There is more to the story hard to explain but at least I am able to get some of it out. Thanks for reading and responding. Patience is a good thing.  Little things make me very happy. 

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"Just more to take along"....really? How long has it been since you hauled a baby all its paraphenalia out the door? I traveled really light and there was alot to remember. Babies are a 24/7 thing; some days you are too tired to call, text, visit. Do the parents know you'd like text updates as often as possible? If you assumed they would just do that, that's a mismatched expectation. They are new parents and thinking about you first shouldn't enter into any of it.

 

And you get to see the kid about once per week....that's really nice. My kids GP (both sides) lived out of the area, but that didn't stop anyone from developing healty relationships...Grandmas are exciting people to little kids.

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They are keeping the same lifestyle they had before the baby was born.

 

Ok, then I take it that they are seeing you and DH about as often as they did b4, too? Perhaps you were hoping that it would be more often, now that a new baby is here? It's not unusual for GPs to hope for that and, yes, sometimes it happens. But just as often, I've noticed, the new parents see the GPs at about the same intervals they did b4. Or if anything changes, contact decreases (as is the case with the texts in your situation) b/c of the change of focus in the parents' lives. Again, it's not unusual for GPs to wish it were different. But rest assured, it's not uncommon, either, for things to work out this way.

 

Anyhow, while you're sorting out your feelings, I'm going to suggest that you try to take a different view on finding out about baby's milestones, etc. Instead of approaching it in the spirit of, "Groan! Now we first have to find out what happened in the past week or so!" try to look at it in the spirit of excitement, as in, "Yes! Now we get to find out what's happened in the past week or so!"

 

When they come over sometimes it seems like we should know what all is happening like those two things for example and had no clue.

 

I'm not clear on whether you mean that DS and DIL act as if you "should know what all is happening" or if it's just that you feel that way. If its' DS and DIL, that brings me back to my question as to if they know you're not on FB. If they don't, IMO, you'll need to tell them. Maybe they'll text/send pics more as a result or perhaps they'll urge you to join FB. But either way, they'll now know why you're not caught up on all baby's new developments when they come over and will be ready to tell you about them. If it's you and or DH, please try to let go of that attitude and encourage him to. And focus on the excitement of hearing baby's news, as I suggested above.

 

Right now if they were to come over for a project, there is no time to talk etc. They bring other people etc.

 

Somehow, I missed these comments b4. So when there's a project going on, they come over more often but there's "no time ti talk." And that seems to be partly b/c they "bring other people." Am I getting this right?

 

I'm not sure why they bring other people or if you and DH are ok with that - to help with the project, I guess? And so I take it you don't get to converse with either DS or DIL, at those times, or ask for any updates on GB?

 

Ok, I can see where that would be frustrating. But perhaps if you serve a meal b4 or after they work, you'd be able to ask about baby? Or are there too many people involved for you to handle/seat at one meal?

 

Hmmm... Perhaps, as brit suggests, you should open a FB account if keeping up with info about and pics of baby mean a lot to you (and I can see why it would :)) ... Food for thought...

 

@ All - Meanwhile, this thread and some other posts, elsewhere on the site have given me an idea for a new thread in MIL Anonymous. if anyone is interested, it's called, "Defining 'Family Time.'"

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Sunshine, I had always said that I would never get on Facebook.  But, after spending a lot of time wondering if the AC had plans for the weekend so I'd know if they were going to visit us or not, I finally signed up for it. It did help. Facebook can be a pain and you do have to be cautious using it.  But on the other hand, if your AC use it, I'd also suggest you think about it.  Especiallyi now with smart phones and all, people will take quick pics, send them to Facebook and it only takes a few seconds.  For me, it takes much longer to send an email.  Just a thought, but you might be surprised how much info you'll get then.  Or, if you aren't sure, ask them if they would "friend" you if you are on Facebook.  You don't necessarily have to give the main reason, but it all works out.

 

One piece of advice that I do have ...... don't let this eat away at you. The more you dwell on it, the more it'll break your heart.  One of our DILs has a large family.  Consequently, there is always some sort of gathering, whether it's for birthdays, business related, etc.   When possible, they will come and visit with us, but when you add all the other activities, it's sometimes difficult to get together with them.  I used to sit and  dwell on this, spent many evenings crying about it.  My DH felt the same, but was not a lot of support.  A dear friend finally told me to just talk to son about it so that he at least knew how I felt.  I took it to heart and when he and the kids were here one weekend, I sat him down and told him how I felt.  I also asked if there was anything that I could do to make it easier on them. I waited until we could have a sit down conversation, not a text or email.I tried to make sure to not "blame" anyone.  I think that by doing this, it helped me accept things more than any thing else.  We still have the issues at times, but it was also good to get their side of it.  He even told me that DIL liked coming here because with all her family there was always drama.  I certainly didn't expect that.

 

It's been a couple of years since I talked to him.  Summer is always busier for them with her family due to location.  On the other hand, we just spent the past 4 weekends with them.  And believe it or not, I'm looking forward to not being with them this weekend.  :)  

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I am a DIL and a daughter. I do not have any contact with my MIL due to a long ugly history that started with many hopes and dreams on her end that didn't work for my husband and I. It has since turned very ugly and she is not allowed around me or my children. (FIL has passed away.) So for this post I am going to speak of how I do things for my parents.

 

I do not email or text pictures to my family. I use Facebook only. Why? I plan on posting it there anyways and having to do multiple texts and such to multiple people and then they reply to all and I get nasty comments from people who are confused on why I sent them a reply from others. This was happening with my soon to be ex-SIL and my AIL. They both hit reply all and since they don't know each other they would get mad thinking I gave their number out and wanted me to send them the pictures separately. I love Facebook for the fact that I can post a picture once and be done. People that have Facebook get to see and hear about every little milestone otherwise if I get a chance to talk to them on the phone or see them sometime they hear about it then. I do not make special calls for the little things. Yes, babies change every day and as I watch my last one grow I am treasuring every milestone because I will never be the mommy to an 8 month old again or a 1 year old .... as it goes I am doing lasts as she does firsts so for me it is bittersweet so I just enjoy it as I can and don't want to feel pressured to text or email every time she does something. I do take pictures and when nap time hits I post and then I go about my day cleaning and doing my household stuff and yes that means tons of running some days.

 

Get Facebook and add your DIL and son so you can watch the baby grow. Make it so people can't search for you so you only have them on there but that way you can at least see him more often and not expect more from her.

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FortheJoy, I totally agree. My mom in her selfcenteredness decided that she didn't want to use her computer anymore and we could all just "print what were emailing to everyone else" an mail it to her separately, and to send pix. That doubles the efforts and with everything else we all have going, so no. She just used it for email, but dug her heels has lost out on quite a bit. The DH refers to it as "stupid stubborn"....it covers quite a bit of territory.

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On the Facebook front, it sounds like you want them to make a special effort for you, and not be one of 'everybody'.

 

While I get that, kinda, you've got a choice.

 

You can get facebook, and see whatever pics, etc that's shared there that you'd miss other wise...or simply miss.

 

Honestly, if you're seeing them weekly, I can't imagine that they *would* send pics frequently. Seems kinda...redundant? when you see him in person that often.

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Hmmm, Facebook is good for pictures and updates - but keep in mind, you will be getting updates on things other than just baby too - it may be more information than is good for you to know. If looking at the phone bill is upsetting - how will you feel if they are posting about doing this or that fun thing with someone else? My suggestion would be to friend your son but not your DIL. You will likely get to view all the same pictures that way but not see everything DIL is doing during the week - it may hurt your feelings that you are not included in them. Unless, you feel that will be alright. FB can be a great, it can also cause a lot of hurt and drama.

 

It's a choice you will have to make, however, I do agree that I would not expect to be given a lot of pictures (outside of FB) when you are seeing baby weekly. When we had our first baby the only person we regularly sent pics to was my husbands Grandma who liked out of state. Our mother's both lived 45 minutes to an hour away. We saw MIL as a family twice a month, my mom usually came over during a weekday once a week (I was staying home) The only pictures we ever gave them were of special events. It didn't occur to use to send them pics weekly or multiple times a week. We weren't on Facebook then (almost 10 years ago)

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I hate texting. It's clunky and annoying to me. I'm very tech savvy and have a high end smart phone, I just find it irritating compared to email or FB, especially how group texts work and trying to attach pics. FB is so effortless for me. I would not duplicate what I'm putting on FB for anyone in text format - it would be extremely tedious and annoying.

 

My DH is on FB solely for the purpose of seeing what his friends are up to and to let me feed things through him for the inlaws so that I don't have to feel like they are seeing everything (different situation than yours, where we don't get along). He has it locked down tight - no one can post on his wall, no one can tag him without his approval, and he never posts a status. Once in a great while he will "like" something. I tag him in photos/statuses, he approves, inlaws are kept in the loop and all is good, they can't see things that might hurt their feelings.

 

I think PinkRedYellow gives you some good advice about being prepared for what you see on FB that might hurt you - I have absolutely been jealous or hurt by FB a time or two and had to kind of hit myself up alongside the head metaphorically. :)  Might be wise to test the waters with just your son's page first. I know you feel that you don't have any expectations, but I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you do (all of us almost always do in relationships!) and sort through what is rational and what is purely emotional. I think you've got a really good thing going once you step back and take a look!

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"Just more to take along"....really? How long has it been since you hauled a baby all its paraphenalia out the door? I traveled really light and there was alot to remember. Babies are a 24/7 thing; some days you are too tired to call, text, visit. Do the parents know you'd like text updates as often as possible? If you assumed they would just do that, that's a mismatched expectation. They are new parents and thinking about you first shouldn't enter into any of it.

 

And you get to see the kid about once per week....that's really nice. My kids GP (both sides) lived out of the area, but that didn't stop anyone from developing healty relationships...Grandmas are exciting people to little kids.

I am serious, they are doing the same things they have always done before the baby. Going to the woods and having a fire out in the snow at night.. Going to friends houses and hanging out in their garages or houses depends which person. When they come here and work in the shop she holds the baby out there most of the time. It is truly just like it was before he came along.  When we had our kids, we slowed down and stayed home more and spent time with family or have them over. They have not slowed down. Which they don't want too.

 

Yes, I have told them to send photos, or updates. 

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Hmmm, Facebook is good for pictures and updates - but keep in mind, you will be getting updates on things other than just baby too - it may be more information than is good for you to know. If looking at the phone bill is upsetting - how will you feel if they are posting about doing this or that fun thing with someone else? My suggestion would be to friend your son but not your DIL. You will likely get to view all the same pictures that way but not see everything DIL is doing during the week - it may hurt your feelings that you are not included in them. Unless, you feel that will be alright. FB can be a great, it can also cause a lot of hurt and drama.

 

It's a choice you will have to make, however, I do agree that I would not expect to be given a lot of pictures (outside of FB) when you are seeing baby weekly. When we had our first baby the only person we regularly sent pics to was my husbands Grandma who liked out of state. Our mother's both lived 45 minutes to an hour away. We saw MIL as a family twice a month, my mom usually came over during a weekday once a week (I was staying home) The only pictures we ever gave them were of special events. It didn't occur to use to send them pics weekly or multiple times a week. We weren't on Facebook then (almost 10 years ago)

I am not planning to go on Facebook. I hopefully see them weekly. It has been longer like we are in a stretch now. I don't need DAILY photos or updates. But, random ones now and then would be great. They do know that I would like that. But, it seems to be easier to do a big group one and call it good. 

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"Yes, I have told them to send photos, or updates." 

Maybe this is the problem...try asking instead of telling.

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