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sunshine97325

Don't feel like a Grandma yet...

170 posts in this topic

I hate texting. It's clunky and annoying to me. I'm very tech savvy and have a high end smart phone, I just find it irritating compared to email or FB, especially how group texts work and trying to attach pics. FB is so effortless for me. I would not duplicate what I'm putting on FB for anyone in text format - it would be extremely tedious and annoying.

 

My DH is on FB solely for the purpose of seeing what his friends are up to and to let me feed things through him for the inlaws so that I don't have to feel like they are seeing everything (different situation than yours, where we don't get along). He has it locked down tight - no one can post on his wall, no one can tag him without his approval, and he never posts a status. Once in a great while he will "like" something. I tag him in photos/statuses, he approves, inlaws are kept in the loop and all is good, they can't see things that might hurt their feelings.

 

I think PinkRedYellow gives you some good advice about being prepared for what you see on FB that might hurt you - I have absolutely been jealous or hurt by FB a time or two and had to kind of hit myself up alongside the head metaphorically. :)  Might be wise to test the waters with just your son's page first. I know you feel that you don't have any expectations, but I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you do (all of us almost always do in relationships!) and sort through what is rational and what is purely emotional. I think you've got a really good thing going once you step back and take a look!

I don't plan to start a Facebook page. I know how my DIL can be upbeat in person and then not. So, I can only imagine how she could be when she writes it out to vent. No thanks. i will take what I get. Also DIL loves to text and when she does they are long ones not one liner ones. So, that is not an excuse for her. 

It does sound like I have it good.I guess this is the way it should be. I guess if they needed a babysitter we would see him more??? Maybe that is how other Grandparents see their local Grand kids. If they help watch them?She does not plan to go to work. So, that won't be happening. 

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"Yes, I have told them to send photos, or updates." 

Maybe this is the problem...try asking instead of telling.

I have asked.

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Sunshine, I totally get that it may be "hard to explain where (you're) coming from." Especially in posts on the Internet. In fact, it often takes time for an OP (original poster) to get down everything they could say/explain what they mean or fully grasp what other posters are saying in return. That's one of the reasons the continued conversations and questions can be helpful, IMO.

 

But. no, you are not the "only GP" who has these kinds of feelings. We hear about this often - GPs wanting more contact with their AC and CIL, whether via visits, phone calls, etc. Rest assured, you are not alone in this.

 

Nor are you the only person who isn't on FB (Facebook) though I suppose that is getting rare, these days. But it's very possible that Ds and DIL feel that sending out info on FB should be enough. That wouldn't be an unusual attitude, from what I've seen and heard. The fact that they  are keeping "the same lifestyle" as b4 the baby suggests to me that they may have decided to cut back on their forms of communication. Something has to give, somewhere, IMO.  So yes, they may have decided that they will take time out to post news on FB and that's it. Perhaps they don't even realize you're not on FB?

 

Sunshine, I know you'd like some random info, here and there, about baby. At times, no doubt, it would make your day. Please realize, though, that you're choosing not to connect through the only method they appear to be using to give such info. And that this part is your choice, not theirs.

 

Also, I'm a little confused about the visits. I thought you often invite them for dinner. But now you seem to be saying that when they're there, most of the time is spent working in the shop. Perhaps there's shopwork and then dinner or vice versa? if so, does dinner not give you all enough time to talk and catch up? (I suppose not.) It's great that you and DIL can have such good conversations - are you no longer able to have them,during these visits? And is that b/c she's working alongside of DS or b/c she's busy with baby?

 

Regardless, I'm glad you don't voice your concerns to DS and DIL, at the moment. And that you came here to try to work some of your feelings out. I hope it's helping! Looking forward to talking with you some more...

Lately they come over due to I invite them for dinner. Its been a couple weeks since we have gotten together. In the past before baby they would used our shop for projects. The talk of projects are in the air and if so it will be out in the shop and no visit time. They both go out there. So, its not a visit. 

It looks like Facebook is the way to go but I won't be starting up one. I will wait and see what they decide to share. I just thought Grandparents would be in the same club as Facebook friends. She likes to text etc. So, its not hard for her to do. 

Normally, life changes when a baby comes. The focus on home and family kicks in. But, truly they are doing the same as they always have done. Some things I thought they wouldn't do with a small baby. But, they want to keep the same life style as they had before. Its a good thing. But, when people say give them time and they are new parents etc. They have jumped in and going strong. They don't need a break. They don't want one!!!

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Thank you sunshine for taking the time to answer so many of our questions! I get your concerns about FB. And yes, snce you seem to be seeing GS often, anyhow, IMO, it's just as well not to join it and miss a few pics.

 

As I read, I'm beginning to get that this is not really about pictures, texts or dinners, etc. It's about (and please correct me if i'm wrong) wanting to feel "special" as a GM/not wanting to feel as if you're just one of the crowd and maybe even, sort of coming in - ouch! - after  DIL's FOO and "Club Friends,"  You don't want, I'm guessing, to feel as if visits with you are wedged in among visits with other relatives and friends and only then if you invite them or they have a project to work on. Nor, I imagine, do you want to be one of many looking at the same set of pics on FB. And that, I suppose, explains your thread title and why you don't "feel like a grandma."

 

If it's any comfort, though, I don't think DS and DIL are looking at it that way. Chances are, they're just trying to do what works best for them. If they're trying, as it seems,  to live the same life they did b4 baby, then that's probably why tiime spent with you hasn't increased all that much. And that the fact that it has done so, at all, is b/c you've been inviting them to dinner. Not to mention that they've given you a reason why they can't have you over to their home, right now. And they may feel uncomfortable about inviting themselves to your house though, apparently, they do it when it's to work on a project.

 

Hmmm... As I said, previously, many young couples, today, i've noticed, see the GPs about as often after baby's arrival as they did b4. And I'm thinking that may be even more true if they're trying to keep their life as it was.

 

In fact, it seems to me as if they are trying very hard to do that.  Going out in the snow to build a fire (nice idea, BTW, in theory, though IDK if it would be for me, baby or not) now that they have a baby?! I'm curious - do you know if they took baby with them or if he was asleep inside?

 

Regardless, is it possible that your texts/conversations, lately, often contain requests for pics and/or more visits? (I know that, very wisely, IMO, you don't complain to them.) If so, could it be that this is why DIL isn't texting so often? Perhaps that's not the case... Just asking...

 

It certianly appears to me as if you are, somewhat, at cross purposes with them. I mean, it looks as if you're approaching this scenario with the attitude that life changes/should change a bit, when a baby arrives and that extended family should then come ahead of friends, etc. Also that you;ll facilitate that change, a little, by inviting DS and family to dinner, where you didn't do so b4 or, at least, not as often, And it looks as if they, to the contrary, are determined that  their life isn't going to change, that they're going to engave in the same activities as ever and that friends and family are both going to remain in the same place in their lives where they always were b4. Yes, they accept the dinner invites b/c they love and enjoy you and DH, etc. But they're not going to be the ones to initiate any visits/not going to change their social schedule any more than that/are not going to respond to this change by making some of their own, in this area.

 

I could be all wrong about that, of course, And if I'm right, I feel as if DS and DIL are, ultimately, fighting a losing battle - their lives are bound to change, IMO, in some ways, as time goes on, especially  as their child gets older. But, for now, their vsion of how their life should be is what they're going to follow. And I'm afraid you (or you and DH) are going to have to adjust your view of how it would be, to the degree that you can, in order to, hopefully, decrease your sense of disappointment and frustration.

 

Be that as it may, please try to just enjoy  whatever time you get with DS, DIL and GS and try not to worry about what you feel could/should be.

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Thnking about this some more,,,  I'm wondering why you haven't seen them for a longer stretch now/"a couple of weeks?" Were they not able to come/were you not able to get hold of them, once or twice? Did you decide not to ask them to dinner, for a while and see what happens?

 

Sorry for the additional questions. But I was thinking that, as they get busy with their various projects, you could still invite them to dinner on other nights (about once a week, as you had been doing) or, occasionally, offer them a dinner after they finish working. That way you would still get to socialize with them and spend time with baby. But perhaps you have reasons to want to pull back and see what course things take on their own.

 

And yes, of course, you'd see GS more if you were babysitting. And no, that may not be happening if DIL doesn't return to work, But perhaps, if and when they're over doing projects - or even iwhen they work on them in their garage - they'll need someone to watch the baby. I can;t say, for sure, of course, but
perhaps you - or you and DH - will be the ones asked to take care of him, at least, when they come to work at your house.

 

Maybe not. I don't want to create false hopes or expectations (there's that word again). ir's just a possibility...

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I'm wondering how you know so much about their activities. 

 

I am not planning to go on Facebook. I hopefully see them weekly. It has been longer like we are in a stretch now. I don't need DAILY photos or updates. But, random ones now and then would be great. They do know that I would like that. But, it seems to be easier to do a big group one and call it good. 

So, it's not that they *don't* send pics, but that they send one big group one, rather than to you, individually?

 

Honestly, it sounds like you're making some judgements here. And if I'm catching that vibe online, I'm guessing that's happening in life too. You seem disapproving of how they spend their time, and the activities they choose to pursue. You seem to have the expectation/assumption that once baby was here, you'd be more of a priority to them, and life has continued on as normal.

 

That's not a bad thing, life as normal. And, honestly, most ppl find that once baby comes, extended family becomes LESS of a priority, not more.

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Keep in mind they may be doing the same things they did before, but they are not just doing the same things they are much busier due to baby care on top of all of their prior activities - and also are getting less sleep. Clearly, group photos bother you but I'm not really understanding why. DIL & DS may not either - assuming they are aware you want yours separate. When you ask for photos and they send a group photo, they may think they are doing what you want. At 24 & 21, group texting has been a common way for them to communicate probably since they have had cells phones.

 

Sometimes things bother us that are hard to explain. When my DD was a baby, I printed most of our pictures from an online site because the photo quality was much better than from our small home 2006 printer. I started having monthly packages sent to DH's Grandma, thinking she would be thrilled. Eventually she called DH and complained about getting pictures that way and insisted we print them at home and mail them  to her ourselves. I still have no idea why she would want this. Professionally printed pictures vs poor quality inkjet prints. I'll say I was pretty annoyed by this. I told Dh I wasn't going to do it. Being the dutiful GS, he did. But she didn't get as many or as often after that. I did a monthly upload & print. Dh did it whenever he remembered. Your son & DIL are sharing pics on FB & group texts (or is it emails ?), insisting on separate and special is likely choosing to get less from them as well.

 

Also, stay at home moms can need sitters too. Not full time childcare, of course. But occasionally during the day and date nights. You can let them know you are available for this. They may not ask for sitting for awhile yet - many new parents don't. But it will come, in time.

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I am serious, they are doing the same things they have always done before the baby. Going to the woods and having a fire out in the snow at night.. Going to friends houses and hanging out in their garages or houses depends which person. When they come here and work in the shop she holds the baby out there most of the time. It is truly just like it was before he came along.  When we had our kids, we slowed down and stayed home more and spent time with family or have them over. They have not slowed down. Which they don't want too.

 

Yes, I have told them to send photos, or updates. 

The only thing that concerns me about "hanging out in the garage' is the possibility of high level noise, which I don't think is in the baby's best interest. That aside, why shouldn't they do what ever they feel comfortable doing? Are you more upset because they aren't doing what YOU think they should? Many young AC now are far more into their friends than family....when the GS starts crawling, you may see them more.

 

And are you prepared to for them to NOT get you separate texts, updates and photos, even though you've told/asked them to. I hijack FB photos all the time, save to my computer's pictures folders, then crop and print to suit myself. I'm FB friends with all my kids and their spouses, but don't intrude in their stuff. Frankly, I think they share far too much on FB. I take my own pictures when the GK are here.  Make a place for yourself....stop waiting for the DS/DIL to tell you how special you are. You know you're special. However, you must understand that this is not your baby, and if the DIL wants to hold him most of the time, that's her right. As Grandmas we need to be patient with these new parents. They come with their own ideas that we have to respect.

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Thank you sunshine for taking the time to answer so many of our questions! I get your concerns about FB. And yes, snce you seem to be seeing GS often, anyhow, IMO, it's just as well not to join it and miss a few pics.

 

As I read, I'm beginning to get that this is not really about pictures, texts or dinners, etc. It's about (and please correct me if i'm wrong) wanting to feel "special" as a GM/not wanting to feel as if you're just one of the crowd and maybe even, sort of coming in - ouch! - after  DIL's FOO and "Club Friends,"  You don't want, I'm guessing, to feel as if visits with you are wedged in among visits with other relatives and friends and only then if you invite them or they have a project to work on. Nor, I imagine, do you want to be one of many looking at the same set of pics on FB. And that, I suppose, explains your thread title and why you don't "feel like a grandma."

 

If it's any comfort, though, I don't think DS and DIL are looking at it that way. Chances are, they're just trying to do what works best for them. If they're trying, as it seems,  to live the same life they did b4 baby, then that's probably why tiime spent with you hasn't increased all that much. And that the fact that it has done so, at all, is b/c you've been inviting them to dinner. Not to mention that they've given you a reason why they can't have you over to their home, right now. And they may feel uncomfortable about inviting themselves to your house though, apparently, they do it when it's to work on a project.

 

Hmmm... As I said, previously, many young couples, today, i've noticed, see the GPs about as often after baby's arrival as they did b4. And I'm thinking that may be even more true if they're trying to keep their life as it was.

 

In fact, it seems to me as if they are trying very hard to do that.  Going out in the snow to build a fire (nice idea, BTW, in theory, though IDK if it would be for me, baby or not) now that they have a baby?! I'm curious - do you know if they took baby with them or if he was asleep inside?

 

Regardless, is it possible that your texts/conversations, lately, often contain requests for pics and/or more visits? (I know that, very wisely, IMO, you don't complain to them.) If so, could it be that this is why DIL isn't texting so often? Perhaps that's not the case... Just asking...

 

It certianly appears to me as if you are, somewhat, at cross purposes with them. I mean, it looks as if you're approaching this scenario with the attitude that life changes/should change a bit, when a baby arrives and that extended family should then come ahead of friends, etc. Also that you;ll facilitate that change, a little, by inviting DS and family to dinner, where you didn't do so b4 or, at least, not as often, And it looks as if they, to the contrary, are determined that  their life isn't going to change, that they're going to engave in the same activities as ever and that friends and family are both going to remain in the same place in their lives where they always were b4. Yes, they accept the dinner invites b/c they love and enjoy you and DH, etc. But they're not going to be the ones to initiate any visits/not going to change their social schedule any more than that/are not going to respond to this change by making some of their own, in this area.

 

I could be all wrong about that, of course, And if I'm right, I feel as if DS and DIL are, ultimately, fighting a losing battle - their lives are bound to change, IMO, in some ways, as time goes on, especially  as their child gets older. But, for now, their vsion of how their life should be is what they're going to follow. And I'm afraid you (or you and DH) are going to have to adjust your view of how it would be, to the degree that you can, in order to, hopefully, decrease your sense of disappointment and frustration.

 

Be that as it may, please try to just enjoy  whatever time you get with DS, DIL and GS and try not to worry about what you feel could/should be.

You have figured it out!!!!! Others haven't yet. 

 

Yes, the little one goes where ever they go. Snow included. Gone a few times. 

 

They are coming around pretty much the same as before. More of course if they are using the shop. But, trying really hard to have them work on things at their house. It would be better all away around. I text maybe once a week, just to say hi, invite for dinner or say a Thank you if I get a photo through email or text or invite to dinner. I DO NOT TELL OR ASK  to send photos etc. I mostly just chit chat and keep the connection open. 

 

I just thought being a Grandma would be a different thing than it is. It is still early. I don't need 100% of their time, or don't need just things for ME. I just thought they would try harder to connect than they do. There is more of a reason to now. It is great they are keeping busy and doing 100% of what they did before. Its usually hard to do that. 

 

Also I have been thinking. Its actually good we don't hear from them much because usually it would be in the need of help, money help, or shop time, or babysitting. It is good that they can cover everything on their own. That is every parents dream and I am lucky I have that one met!!!

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Thnking about this some more,,,  I'm wondering why you haven't seen them for a longer stretch now/"a couple of weeks?" Were they not able to come/were you not able to get hold of them, once or twice? Did you decide not to ask them to dinner, for a while and see what happens?

 

Sorry for the additional questions. But I was thinking that, as they get busy with their various projects, you could still invite them to dinner on other nights (about once a week, as you had been doing) or, occasionally, offer them a dinner after they finish working. That way you would still get to socialize with them and spend time with baby. But perhaps you have reasons to want to pull back and see what course things take on their own.

 

And yes, of course, you'd see GS more if you were babysitting. And no, that may not be happening if DIL doesn't return to work, But perhaps, if and when they're over doing projects - or even iwhen they work on them in their garage - they'll need someone to watch the baby. I can;t say, for sure, of course, but

perhaps you - or you and DH - will be the ones asked to take care of him, at least, when they come to work at your house.

 

Maybe not. I don't want to create false hopes or expectations (there's that word again). ir's just a possibility...

This last week, we seen our son and he took our trailer to go haul something home, so their week was busy. Also it was her Grandmas 70 birthday so was busy with that.

 

DIL text to let me know she sent their phone bill payment. I wrote back Thank You and invited them for dinner tonight if they were free. She said they are going to a long time family friends house of her Grandmas 70th birthday for a dinner. I am OK with that, they do that with their birthdays. 

 

I am all into compromising.

 

I really hope they don't work in our shop anymore. Even before a baby came along it was getting old. They have a nice two car garage and he is getting plenty of tools. It would be nice for him to work whenever he wants and they can pop out to see Dad then go back inside.They can have random people over to their place. It would be wonderful!!!!!

 

 

 

I have been wondering to not invite at all and see where it goes? Some say it may make them miss us more??

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I'm wondering how you know so much about their activities. 

 

So, it's not that they *don't* send pics, but that they send one big group one, rather than to you, individually?

 

Honestly, it sounds like you're making some judgements here. And if I'm catching that vibe online, I'm guessing that's happening in life too. You seem disapproving of how they spend their time, and the activities they choose to pursue. You seem to have the expectation/assumption that once baby was here, you'd be more of a priority to them, and life has continued on as normal.

 

That's not a bad thing, life as normal. And, honestly, most ppl find that once baby comes, extended family becomes LESS of a priority, not more.

As you have been reading. We do get together once a week or so. It is time to catch up so that is how we know what is going on. DIL is a very detailed person. If you text she texts details not one liners.. She is very open.  

 

Also my son works where my husband does. They mostly talk about work and hobby things. Not babies. 

 

Like I have said I have NO IDEA what it would or should be like to be a Grandma. I just know that when I had my kids that I included my parents and husbands as much as I could. Or they wanted. From what I get from others less is best. That not many want to be a part of their Grandkids life. Only see them once a month or so. 

 

Like I just said in my last response, that it is Wonderful that we don't see them more,  usually that means they need help. Yes, they are very independent and that is what we all want our kids to be. 

 

The photo thing. Her Grandma told me to go on Facebook she puts photos there. I don't have a Facebook. I don't plan to open one. So, when she sends one that way she could text me one or regular email. Its part my fault for not being like everyone else. But DIL does everything from her phone they don't have a home computer anymore. So, she could send one my way also. NOT DAILY. Just now and then. Which she has been doing. 

 

She loves photos, she had cups made for Christmas for us ladies with the babies photos on it. So, photos is something she has always done well with before baby also. I was trying to say its easier to share them now through text, email and of course Facebook. 

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Keep in mind they may be doing the same things they did before, but they are not just doing the same things they are much busier due to baby care on top of all of their prior activities - and also are getting less sleep. Clearly, group photos bother you but I'm not really understanding why. DIL & DS may not either - assuming they are aware you want yours separate. When you ask for photos and they send a group photo, they may think they are doing what you want. At 24 & 21, group texting has been a common way for them to communicate probably since they have had cells phones.

 

Sometimes things bother us that are hard to explain. When my DD was a baby, I printed most of our pictures from an online site because the photo quality was much better than from our small home 2006 printer. I started having monthly packages sent to DH's Grandma, thinking she would be thrilled. Eventually she called DH and complained about getting pictures that way and insisted we print them at home and mail them  to her ourselves. I still have no idea why she would want this. Professionally printed pictures vs poor quality inkjet prints. I'll say I was pretty annoyed by this. I told Dh I wasn't going to do it. Being the dutiful GS, he did. But she didn't get as many or as often after that. I did a monthly upload & print. Dh did it whenever he remembered. Your son & DIL are sharing pics on FB & group texts (or is it emails ?), insisting on separate and special is likely choosing to get less from them as well.

 

Also, stay at home moms can need sitters too. Not full time childcare, of course. But occasionally during the day and date nights. You can let them know you are available for this. They may not ask for sitting for awhile yet - many new parents don't. But it will come, in time.

Group photos are great. But, the group photos in this case is through Facebook and I am not on it. So, she could send it via text or email to me. She knows I don't have Facebook.  She has sent me photos to my email or phone before. So, I do get some. 

 

This has been a point I have been trying to say. That I thought I would keep up with them at least through text more than in person even. DIL loves her phone and when she starts she doesn't stop. So, that is how I keep updated when I start a text and then we visit that way also.  I don't care if we text or email. We don't only have to see each other. 

 

I for sure don't expect them to just send me something. Its OK to be for everyone. I share my photos with everyone. I just do it through email or text. Not Facebook. 

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The only thing that concerns me about "hanging out in the garage' is the possibility of high level noise, which I don't think is in the baby's best interest. That aside, why shouldn't they do what ever they feel comfortable doing? Are you more upset because they aren't doing what YOU think they should? Many young AC now are far more into their friends than family....when the GS starts crawling, you may see them more.

 

And are you prepared to for them to NOT get you separate texts, updates and photos, even though you've told/asked them to. I hijack FB photos all the time, save to my computer's pictures folders, then crop and print to suit myself. I'm FB friends with all my kids and their spouses, but don't intrude in their stuff. Frankly, I think they share far too much on FB. I take my own pictures when the GK are here.  Make a place for yourself....stop waiting for the DS/DIL to tell you how special you are. You know you're special. However, you must understand that this is not your baby, and if the DIL wants to hold him most of the time, that's her right. As Grandmas we need to be patient with these new parents. They come with their own ideas that we have to respect.

I could take photos from Facebook but I don't  have one. Don't plan to get one. They know I don't have one. 

 

I know its not my baby. I don't want a baby. I don't mind she holds him. It is just interesting that my son is polite enough to share him while they are here for the short visit. We still need to get to know him. I have never told them to do things my way with the baby etc. Yes, they have their own ideas. Some will work and some won't. But, they will figure that out. 

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sunshine, I am a MIL and I understand your feelings, somewhat.  I am wondering this, if you could have things just like you want them, what would that look like?

 

And I am going to have to say that I think you should rethink the facebook thing, you are asking for "special" treatment and maybe that is what is getting you less pics than you want.  My xDIL always wanted "special", different than others just because "she wanted it".  She never stopped to consider that the person doing the "giving" is the one that has the control.  So instead of going with "special" treatment we went with NO treatment at all.  just a thought.  What is your problem with facebook?  you could only look at it a couple times a week to check for pics, then you would have what you want and DS/DIL would be giving how they want.

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Thanks you again, sunshine, for continuing to answer our questions, etc. You have a lot of patience, IMO! :)

 

From what I get from others less is best. That not many want to be a part of their Grandkids life. Only see them once a month or so. 

 

I know this statement wasn't addressed to me, specifically. But I'm confused about where you're getting the idea that "not many (GPs) want to be a part of their Grandkids' life." Have your friends told you this or is it what you've picked up from here. B/c I think what has been said is that there are many GPs who don't get to see their GKs more than once a month or so. It doesn't necessarily mean that they wouldn't like to see them more often. Some don't but in other cases, it's b/c the parents can't/don't wish to schedule them in more often. In fact, many GPs come here voicing the concern that they don't see their GKs as often as they'd like. And, of course, sometimes, it's about distance or work and school schedules, etc. on one or both sides of the ledger.

 

I have been wondering to not invite at all and see where it goes? Some say it may make them miss us more??

 

It might. Or, if you sense, for any reason, that they feel pressured to come over as often as they do, it might make them feel more comfortable with you and more positive about coming over when they're really into it. But I'm not getting that feeling here - more like they're just fine with things the way they are. So a lot depends, IMO, on how willing you are to "experiment." If what means most to you is to see that grandbaby - or see them as a family - as often as you can, then it might be just as well to continue the weekly invites. But if you would truly like to see what would happen if you pulled back, for a while - and you can accept the fact that it means you might not see them or baby as much, at least, at first - then, by all means, try not inviting them for a few weeks. Either way, please let us know what you decide and how it works out. Best of luck!

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P.S. I think the cups with the photos are delightful! Glad you got one!

 

Also, IMO, you may feel more "like a GM," as GS gets older and is able to recognize/relate to you more as a GM. It may take a little longer than you thought but it will happen, I believe.

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Honestly, you choose not to get FB, that's totally your choice, but it's not your DIL's responsibility to compensate for that.

 

This last week, we seen our son and he took our trailer to go haul something home, so their week was busy. Also it was her Grandmas 70 birthday so was busy with that.

 

DIL text to let me know she sent their phone bill payment. I wrote back Thank You and invited them for dinner tonight if they were free. She said they are going to a long time family friends house of her Grandmas for a dinner. I am OK with that, they do that with their birthdays. 

 

I am all into compromising.

 

I really hope they don't work in our shop anymore. Even before a baby came along it was getting old. They have a nice two car garage and he is getting plenty of tools. It would be nice for him to work whenever he wants and they can pop out to see Dad then go back inside.They can have random people over to their place. It would be wonderful!!!!!

 

 

 

I have been wondering to not invite at all and see where it goes? Some say it may make them miss us more??

I don't understand the bolded comment. I don't understand where 'being ok w/that' comes in. Does it mean that you get upset when they don't come for dinner other times?

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Facebook doesn't have to take over your life unless you let it. I have extended friends and family all over the country and we use it to stay connected as well as create private group chats. And, I hijack photos.

 

My mom refused to use email because of all the forwarded jokes. I don't like forwarded jokes either, so let my contacts know not to forward them to me anymore; all have been most accommodating but one, whose junk I delete without opening....that wasn't good enough for her, as usual, she dug her heels in and wanted to be 'special'....she's ended up doing without most of the time. It didn't matter to her that everyone would have to do double work for that. Back to Dr. Phil "How's that working out for you?"

 

This is a perfect segue into a new topic.....Old School vs New Age

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Honestly, you choose not to get FB, that's totally your choice, but it's not your DIL's responsibility to compensate for that.

 

I don't understand the bolded comment. I don't understand where 'being ok w/that' comes in. Does it mean that you get upset when they don't come for dinner other times?

Are you a Grandparent yourself? Just wondering?

 

I guess I will get what I get. I don't feel I HAVE to sign up for Facebook to get updates, photos or whatever when I have never had one to begin with. If they are not polite enough to send a  text or email or phone call or stop by then I guess its the way it is. I am very much OK with text, she does excellent with it. 

 

The bold  comment was meant to say, that tonight I invited them to dinner but they had plans already to go to one of her Grandmas good friends house for a birthday dinner for her Grandma. That I was OK with that they couldn't make it to our house for dinner. That they always get together with that friend each birthday. 

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sunshine, why would you not want to make it easy for DS/DIL by doing FB?  I just do not understand this.  My Daddy said that when you stomp your foot, all you get is a sore foot.  Can you explain this to me more?

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I am serious, they are doing the same things they have always done before the baby. Going to the woods and having a fire out in the snow at night.. Going to friends houses and hanging out in their garages or houses depends which person. When they come here and work in the shop she holds the baby out there most of the time. It is truly just like it was before he came along.  When we had our kids, we slowed down and stayed home more and spent time with family or have them over. They have not slowed down. Which they don't want too.

 

Yes, I have told them to send photos, or updates. 

Do you want things different than before your GS came along? It sounds as if they have a nice happy life and they don't want to change to a different sort of life. I'd consider getting a facebook account and dropping your view of how their life isn't like yours or your plan for them. Do you dislike snow or snow at night and if so, why?

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Thanks you again, sunshine, for continuing to answer our questions, etc. You have a lot of patience, IMO! :)

 

From what I get from others less is best. That not many want to be a part of their Grandkids life. Only see them once a month or so. 

 

I know this statement wasn't addressed to me, specifically. But I'm confused about where you're getting the idea that "not many (GPs) want to be a part of their Grandkids' life." Have your friends told you this or is it what you've picked up from here. B/c I think what has been said is that there are many GPs who don't get to see their GKs more than once a month or so. It doesn't necessarily mean that they wouldn't like to see them more often. Some don't but in other cases, it's b/c the parents can't/don't wish to schedule them in more often. In fact, many GPs come here voicing the concern that they don't see their GKs as often as they'd like. And, of course, sometimes, it's about distance or work and school schedules, etc. on one or both sides of the ledger.

 

I have been wondering to not invite at all and see where it goes? Some say it may make them miss us more??

 

It might. Or, if you sense, for any reason, that they feel pressured to come over as often as they do, it might make them feel more comfortable with you and more positive about coming over when they're really into it. But I'm not getting that feeling here - more like they're just fine with things the way they are. So a lot depends, IMO, on how willing you are to "experiment." If what means most to you is to see that grandbaby - or see them as a family - as often as you can, then it might be just as well to continue the weekly invites. But if you would truly like to see what would happen if you pulled back, for a while - and you can accept the fact that it means you might not see them or baby as much, at least, at first - then, by all means, try not inviting them for a few weeks. Either way, please let us know what you decide and how it works out. Best of luck!

I get the feeling from  posts from here that I am very lucky with whatever I get. I think they are from the DIL's,  that 2-6 week visits are pretty common. If I get 1-2 weeks apart then its excellent and shouldn't complain. I haven't heard from many Grandmas saying how often they see their family when they live just minutes apart. It sounds like I am expecting way to much. So, to be happy with what I get. That I should now get a Facebook page to make their life's easier so one time out with any news is easier than finding time to send a random text to a parent/grandparent. I don't think that is necessary. Its so easy to keep in contact compared to the old days. Also I feel it would be fishy looking if I started a Facebook page, when they know I don't want one from even before the baby was born. 

 

Thank you for noticing that I am patient. I have only vented on this site and to my husband. Its just thoughts that need to get out and let me adjust to the way things are. 

 

I am not sure still on keeping the dinner invites out or wait and see on their side what they would do. 

 

Guess what, I just thought about it. This week we seen our son. WHY? To borrow our trailer, yes we visited a little, but it was about his project etc. Interesting. That sucks to have people for sure come around when they need things. Its good we can help them. But, still its just feeling used again. We talk about the shop use. trailer use, tools etc at least once a year. DIL insures us that they come by just because, but really not like she thinks. 

 

The part about random people coming  over when they work in the shop. They are strangers or new friends of theirs that they are building bumpers for their off road trucks or jeeps. Our son does it on the side to make money. So, the owner of the truck comes over to at least drop it off  and sometimes comes over while he has it to help etc. So, strangers to us are in our shop and checking things out. Makes us uncomfortable. It has took years to get what we have. It wouldn't take much to loose it...Most of the time the people he works for are nice and turn out to be friends but still they don't go to their house.  She doesn't like strangers going to their place when they invite a friend over and they bring someone else with them when they come. It makes them uncomfortable, why can't it make us. They purchased an alarm system just for that reason.

 

That is why I am excited about their garage being used for his side jobs. His tools, space etc. Yes, we won't see them as much. But, that is fine. He needs to be independent in all areas. 

 

If you guys could be a fly on the wall. You would understand so much more. Its just not me that has issues. I am willing to talk, compromise etc. Its hard to do when you have to be careful with what you say. If I were to talk to them like this. It wouldn't get me anywhere that is for sure.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Its amazing the different ways to look at things. I just don't want people to think I am the MIL from H - - -. I am a long ways from it. 

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Facebook doesn't have to take over your life unless you let it. I have extended friends and family all over the country and we use it to stay connected as well as create private group chats. And, I hijack photos.

 

My mom refused to use email because of all the forwarded jokes. I don't like forwarded jokes either, so let my contacts know not to forward them to me anymore; all have been most accommodating but one, whose junk I delete without opening....that wasn't good enough for her, as usual, she dug her heels in and wanted to be 'special'....she's ended up doing without most of the time. It didn't matter to her that everyone would have to do double work for that. Back to Dr. Phil "How's that working out for you?"

 

This is a perfect segue into a new topic.....Old School vs New Age

 

 If you're serious about that, Mame, you might open it up in The Great Debate group. :) It might prove to be a very interesting conversation!

Edited by rosered135
to add a thought

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Are you a Grandparent yourself? Just wondering?

 

I guess I will get what I get. I don't feel I HAVE to sign up for Facebook to get updates, photos or whatever when I have never had one to begin with. If they are not polite enough to send a  text or email or phone call or stop by then I guess its the way it is. I am very much OK with text, she does excellent with it. 

 

The bold  comment was meant to say, that tonight I invited them to dinner but they had plans already to go to one of her Grandmas good friends house for a birthday dinner for her Grandma. That I was OK with that they couldn't make it to our house for dinner. That they always get together with that friend each birthday. 

Hi Sunshine,

I have to say right off the bat that I tried Facebook, I gave it an honest try but it was not for me so I deactivated my account.  I will not be nudging you into trying it against your will, especially because I am convinced facebook will outlast us all.

 

I have been reading this thread and really haven't felt like I had much to contribute to the situation until your last post.  I'm curious, noisy, but I think it will give you good insight into the situation and for others if you consider the part I have bolded above.  Do you think the way you are being treated is impolite?  Where is that boundary for you?  Do you feel like it is impolite not to inform you weekly? Or when a milestone has been reached?  Do you think it is impolite that your DIL does NOT stop by? I have to say this last one boggles my mind, it only goes to show how different people really are.

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Do you want things different than before your GS came along? It sounds as if they have a nice happy life and they don't want to change to a different sort of life. I'd consider getting a facebook account and dropping your view of how their life isn't like yours or your plan for them. Do you dislike snow or snow at night and if so, why?

Yes we have been wanting things different before baby came,  to come around not just to use our things.  We have talked to them about it several times at least once a year. She assures me they come over more than that. 

 

Snow at night gets real icy and gets colder. I didn't say anything to them about me thinking a newborn shouldn't be out in that environment. It is just risky but also driving in town is too. They like the snow more at night than the daytime. So, it will be a tradition for them years to come. 

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