• Announcements

    • LaToyaADMIN

      Tell us about your experience with signing up for Medicare   01/23/18

      We want to know what the process was like for you, any difficulties you experienced, the length of your process, etc. This is strictly research and any information you share with us will not be shared elsewhere. Please email jack@grandparents.com with the subject line: Medicare Process and we'll be in touch with specific questions.
    • LaToyaADMIN

      PLEASE READ: We are moving the community   02/15/18

      Dear Community friends and family,   After great consideration, we are moving the Grandparents.com community to Facebook Groups effective March 15, 2018.   This wasn’t an easy decision, but we want to bring our communities together and believe the best place to do so is through Facebook’s groups feature. We’re so appreciative of you and the diverse conversations and opinions you have provided over the past 9 years. Your stories and amazing advice have helped so many readers, and have reached thousands of GP.com users. We encourage you to retrieve any information you want to retain as the forum will only be accessible by the admin after March 15, 2018. We’ve created a closed Facebook group called Mothers-in-Law Unplugged where we welcome you to continue the conversations around grandparenting, family, and in-law relationships, and any general topics we discuss here. As the group is closed and each user must be approved, your friends and family on Facebook won’t see any of your activity. Request to join the group here: http://bit.ly/milunplugged Thank you to all of our past and current users. You helped build our community, and we look forward to continuing to interact with you in the Facebook groups. If you have any questions about the groups and privacy, let’s chat about here:   Sincerely,   The Grandparents.com Team
sunshine97325

Don't feel like a Grandma yet...

170 posts in this topic

I feel that people think I should get a Facebook account to help them out with sending news etc. Why should I have to go their direction? That is where you compromise and meet in the middle.

 

I had to comment one more time on this particular sentence. Why should you have to go their direction? Because that's how they are putting out their info. Like Mrs.Kitty says, it just is. Why should they go your direction when what they are doing seems to work for 99% of everyone else?

Maybe because we are the Grandparents? And working a cell phone is very easy for them. They sent things before through text why can't they now?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe because we are the Grandparents? And working a cell phone is very easy for them. They sent things before through text why can't they now?

You seem very sure that as grandparent, you should be the one that they bend to. 

 

You're not an authority figure. They do not have to bend to you, any more than you have to bend to them.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, this thread has gone into all types of directions. 

 

The main reason why I started this whole  thing was to just get out that "i don't feel like a Grandma yet."

 

I don't feel connected with our Grandson. I am surprised that I don't get photos or updates through the cell phone. I thought it would be more often due to DIL loves her phone. I DO not expect something EVERYDAY. Just a RANDOM one here and there.

 

I send random text all the time. Even today I did. I sent a Happy ST Patrick's day to both DIL and DS along with Happy 4th month day to GS. They both replied thank you and Happy St. Patrick's Day to you. My son wrote back how is things going with you. So, we continued on. So, he did good. 

 

I just wanted to know how other Grandmas were here. I have no clue what being a Grandma should be like. 

 

I just know how I did things and I always included my Mom and in laws with how things were going. I knew my schedule better to call or to write them a letter back then. These days its easy to keep in contact. 

 

I have never told them I wanted more photos like you put on facebook etc. Her Grandma told me they have them on their. I feel it would look bad if I got a account now. I think DIL would feel I would be intruding. They have never asked me to Facebook. 

 

From what I have learned I have it good. So, be happy and take what I get and to keep doing my random invites for dinner. If they can't make it when I invite I am fine. They can't always make it. Yesterday was really short notice so I expected they were busy. I just let you guys know why they couldn't make it. 

 

Thanks again. We will see how things change as the little guy gets older??? Could be the same, better or even "worse!!" I can't see worse due to I don't express how I am feeling only through writing like this and husband. So, it should stay the same or even better.

 

Rosered, has understood me the best out of everyone. Thank you for that. You have a real calming way of expressing things. You see how it could benefit me to get a face book account for one thing. But, then you know it would look odd. Little things like that. Thanks for the understanding. Its nice to be by one at least. 

 

Its hard to express yourself through typing. You think one thing and you type the other. Also you really have to know each person to understand what I mean also. I believe the women do more in the home with planning things or updating people.. Yes, some guys do it also, but in our family circle her side and ours the ladies to the planning and updating.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, nobody *asks* someone to get facebook, so don't let their lack of asking you have anything to do w/it.

 

Honestly, expect visits to go down over time. Once school, homework, lessons, sports, etc kick in, there's less time for visiting.

 

And, I'm going to caution you about expecting 'traditional' roles to be adhered to. Just b/c that's the way it used to be doesn't mean that your ds or DIL are interested in continuing it. Many couples have a 'your family, your gig' division. He takes care of updating his family, birthdays, etc, and she does for hers.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe because we are the Grandparents? And working a cell phone is very easy for them. They sent things before through text why can't they now?

 

I like Facebooking. I like Instagram. I like blogging. I like chatting. But I would find it tedious, boring and annoying to have to duplicate those things. If your DIL likes texting, she probably likes the conversation, dialogue, debate, etc. Just because it's "easy", doesn't mean it isn't a chore to have to duplicate content. There's really little to no fun in that. If I post an article on my blog, and there is one person who refuses to read my blog and instead wants me to email it to them separately - that's a chore to have to remember and do, even though it's relatively simple. I'm going to say that if they want the article, go to my blog. If I post something only on my blog, it honestly isn't even going to occur to me that someone may feel left out that I didn't also post to their favorite service. 

 

So yes, they could things through text. But technology is constantly changing at a rapid pace, and they seem to have moved on to other platforms. I just can't comprehend why it's such an issue for you to get on FB to get what you want. As BEG said, it's all right there, waiting for you, but you are waiting to be catered to as the Grandparents (and it's also interesting that you capitalized that...)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sunshine,

I honestly don't think you're really interested in getting photos and updates. I think you're more interested in making sure your DIL and son pay proper homage to you (or what you consider to be proper homage). They're not interested. There's nothing you can do about it.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the power struggle happening here is going to end up costing you. You seem to be focused more on what they *aren't* doing the way you thought/expected them to, than what they *are* doing.

 

Personally, if I was visiting someone weekly, and it wasn't enough for them, it would go to monthly. Or bi-monthly. No way would I up the visits.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sunshine - first let me apologize if you took my posts as critical. They were never meant in that way. When we read anonymous posts on the internet - it is sometimes much easier for us to see the forest for the trees if you will- based on what a poster shares. Personally, I'm not criticizing you. I know that it is exciting and wonderful to anticipate becoming a grandparent. I know that like any other major milestone - we are human and we get ideas in our heads of what we want that experience to be like. And quite honestly - you may still get your vision - the baby is only 4 months old.

 

 I understand not wanting a Facebook page. Plenty of people don't.  That is absolutely your right. But you have to understand that there is a trade off. You want your son and DIL to compromise - but your words indicate that is really not the case. I understand that you had hopes that they would keep you in the loop - but quite frankly - they DO keep you in the loop. You see them once a week. Being even more up to date is available to you - but you don't want to do it. That is not your son and DIL's fault. They are using Facebook - that is their choice - their decision and the easiest way to keep many people up to date at one time.  If you don't want to open a Facebook account you aren't alone. Many people don't want a Facebook account. BUT...not doing it comes with the inherent risk of not seeing everything you want to see. You want them to take additional time and send you pictures, you don't think you need to open a FB page-but tell us they haven't asked you to. They aren't likely going to ask you to join. I never asked my mom to join. I just told her that there were pictures of our girls out there and she immediately joined and friended me.

 

I'd like to ask the question again - how often DO you want to see your grand?  It bothers you that they didn't change their lives when the baby came along. And you are right - lots of people slow down when they have a baby. Spend more time at home. But that's not everyone. This is an area where your expectations don't match theirs. Because it's what you did, you thought they would too.

 

I think you made yourself pretty clear when you were asked "Why should they go in your direction when what they are doing works for everyone else?" and your response was "Maybe because we are the GRANDPARENTS." I'll put it back to you like this. Maybe because they are the parents of a newborn, you need to think back to being a new parent - remember the demands from grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends on your time. Think about wanting to spend time with your baby. Think about trying to meet everyone's expectations. I think one of the hardest transitions for any one is becoming a grandparent - for many reasons - not the least of which is actually coming to terms in glaring light that you are now extended family - not immediate and as such have a different place in their lives. That is not meant to be insulting. It happens to anyone who gets married and has children  at some point - dealing with that transition from actively parenting to not being their primary focus. It is a painful process. Becoming a grandparent is bittersweet if nothing else. 

 

But again - how often do you want to see them? You mention that she sees her extended family more frequently, and I suspect you want equal time. But if not for us, at least for yourself, you should probably get a clear picture of what it is that you want - so that you can deal with those expectations. 

 

I'll boil it down - though the words are hard to hear - no one here is trying to make you feel bad. If absolutely nothing else comes from this - many posters, myself included, are really just trying to help you before you start down a path that could be destructive to your relationship with your son, DIL and GC.  If you are unhappy with your grandparent experience and start telling your son and/or DIL that you feel they need to change their lives to make your grandparent experience better, you run a risk of alienating them. No one wants that for you.

 

There is a quote that says....

“If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. ”

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sunshine, I generally think Facebook + family are not a good mix. I see it cause so many problems. You are already looking at the phone bill to see their overall usage vs. calls/texts to you - so seeing everything they are up to on Facebook might bring more misery than the pics & baby news is worth. (maybe this is the reason you are so reluctant to join?) Only you can decide that. You do seem to know a lot about what they are doing & putting on Facebook. Is your DD or someone else showing you DIL/DS's FB posts?

 

I will say this - I think it's okay if they realize you joined FB for them. In fact, I bet they are surprised you haven't already. You certainly don't have to though, although if you do not, I really don't see any compromise or meeting in the middle on your part.

 

I agree with everything BlueEyedGirl posted above - especially the part where she wants you to understand that we are trying to help you even though most are saying the opposite of what you want to hear. Demanding more & special is setting yourself up for heartache and quite possibly less.

 

As far as the shop - on my goodness. I would not be okay at all with DS showing up randomly - especially with others in tow. I would put some restrictions on that right away. Maybe start with saying the shop is just for your DH on certain days - giving DS one or two, him needing to call first, maybe ask him not to bring the others - at least to call, let you know they are coming, does that work for his Dad's needs in the shop, who they are, how long they plan to stay, etc. I would also giving him a date you want him to be done using your shop altogether. The end of 2014? His next birthday? 1 year from now - what you & Dh are comfortable with. How close is he to having his shop set up? Until he is completely set up  - I would gift shop stuff to him for bday & Christmas. Put an end to this. I would keep discussion on this on topic though - don't bring up vists/pics etc. that would lead them to think one has to do with the other. I get that it doesn't and that it was bothering you & your DH before baby was born - you don't want them to think it's connected though.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, this thread has gone into all types of directions. 

 

The main reason why I started this whole  thing was to just get out that "i don't feel like a Grandma yet."

 

I don't feel connected with our Grandson. I am surprised that I don't get photos or updates through the cell phone. I thought it would be more often due to DIL loves her phone. I DO not expect something EVERYDAY. Just a RANDOM one here and there.

 

I send random text all the time. Even today I did. I sent a Happy ST Patrick's day to both DIL and DS along with Happy 4th month day to GS. They both replied thank you and Happy St. Patrick's Day to you. My son wrote back how is things going with you. So, we continued on. So, he did good. 

 

I just wanted to know how other Grandmas were here. I have no clue what being a Grandma should be like. 

 

I just know how I did things and I always included my Mom and in laws with how things were going. I knew my schedule better to call or to write them a letter back then. These days its easy to keep in contact. 

 

I have never told them I wanted more photos like you put on facebook etc. Her Grandma told me they have them on their. I feel it would look bad if I got a account now. I think DIL would feel I would be intruding. They have never asked me to Facebook. 

 

From what I have learned I have it good. So, be happy and take what I get and to keep doing my random invites for dinner. If they can't make it when I invite I am fine. They can't always make it. Yesterday was really short notice so I expected they were busy. I just let you guys know why they couldn't make it. 

 

Thanks again. We will see how things change as the little guy gets older??? Could be the same, better or even "worse!!" I can't see worse due to I don't express how I am feeling only through writing like this and husband. So, it should stay the same or even better.

 

Rosered, has understood me the best out of everyone. Thank you for that. You have a real calming way of expressing things. You see how it could benefit me to get a face book account for one thing. But, then you know it would look odd. Little things like that. Thanks for the understanding. Its nice to be by one at least. 

 

Its hard to express yourself through typing. You think one thing and you type the other. Also you really have to know each person to understand what I mean also. I believe the women do more in the home with planning things or updating people.. Yes, some guys do it also, but in our family circle her side and ours the ladies to the planning and updating.

If you are not providing a need to a 4 month old baby regularly it is unlikely to have an emotional connection with that baby.  I love my niece and nephews and children of close friends that age but I have to say, there is no emotional connection.  I think perhaps it was unlikely you would feel this way.  It is obvious you feel love and a desire to "know" that baby as it grows, you already feel this and I think it is a close as you will get to feeling a connection.

 

I think you DO indeed have an idea of what a Gradma should be, because your reality is not acheiving this idea.  It obviously means, to you, that you would be sought out for company and updates more frequently than the weekly basis that is your reality.

 

It may be easier but it is still an extra step and it sounds like your expectations have increased with the ease of communication.

 

Things will likely get harder as the baby gets older.  Only bringing a child around child proof areas becomes very important.  There is more to bring with you more to be wary of.

 

I will agree RR has a way with words, her posts are always some of my favorites too.

 

Please be careful of assuming and applying gender roles they have a way of distancing generations and perspectives.  You stated earlier in your post about reaching out to both your son and DIL and your son being the one to reach out and engage with you . . . how wonderful to have a son who is so open minded and progressive.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just want to add - and second something Still waters said. Sunshine, you have said several times that as a new grandmother you didn't know what to expect, had no specific expectations. I respectfully disagree. Correct or incorrect, we all have expectations about things, even things we aren't familiar with. When I became a mother for the first time, I had certain expectations. Some were correct, others weren't. But I had expectations nonetheless. Truthfully, no one has said that your expectations are wrong, just that they are not the same/do not match up with your son and DIL's expectations. When I became a mother for the first time, when something didn't meet my expectations I had a couple of options. If it was something I had power over - say the kind of diapers we were using or what DD had to wear - I could change that. But if it was something I didn't have any control over, I had to readjust my expectations. I couldn't make X thing meet MY expectations, so I had to adjust my expectations to meet X thing. I expect my children to clean the kitchen after dinner each night - but sometimes they have too much homework and it's an unrealistic expectation for them to get all of their homework done, shower and get to bed at a decent time and still clean the kitchen. So I adjust MY expectations to be more realistic for the situation.

 

I am absolutely not trying to make light of your hopes as a grandmother. Your title is "Don't Feel Like A Grandma Yet". The baby is 4 months old. What does feeling like a grandmother mean when the baby is 4 months old?

 

What would make you feel like a grandma?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I never thought about whether I "felt like a grandma"....July 10, 2004 I became a grandma...end of my nongrandma days. To be fair, my grandma life started with a big bang and I've been very enthusiastic about it all. My daughter wanted me to stay in the delivery room with her and her DH (he was willing but terrified and wanted me there too although I had not planned to be in with them)...he wouldn't come close to the business end of the table, so asked me to cut the cord. My face is the first the DGS saw, just from the way he presented. I wasn't in the room with the other 5 GK, but for 2 I was at the hospital (watched one c/s through the OR window with the DDIL's mom, but that's a story for another day), for 2 I was at home with the older sibs (I sent the DDIL's mother with them to the hospital...HER daughter after all) and the youngest, at the parents request, everyone stay away until after the baby is born; we saw everyone the next morning.

 

I've been there to help my kids be secure in being good parents...and to be sure some of the "baby care" rules changed in the 27 years since I'd been a new mom...but, their baby, their rules (the not putting the baby to sleep on their tummy is the big one). My kids come from a long line of belly sleepers....the DIL struggled with her first's sleep problems....as soon as he could turn himself over she'd put him down on his back, he'd flip over and go right to sleep. My solutions were decidedly old school, but I'd always ask what they'd tried, what did the dr/advise nurse say, have you considered....

 

I always liked to sit in the rocker with the baby and we'd "chat"....I don't use baby talk. Or dance....I always dance with my babies.

 

My best grandma moments are when the kids who live out of town run up my front stairs and fly into my arms, the oldest GS, who lives 1/2 an hour away hangs onto hugs even if he's seen me several times in a week and teaching the youngest to blow kisses because no one could hold her but her mama.

 

You do the best you can with what you've got....it's not about you

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the power struggle happening here is going to end up costing you. You seem to be focused more on what they *aren't* doing the way you thought/expected them to, than what they *are* doing.

 

Personally, if I was visiting someone weekly, and it wasn't enough for them, it would go to monthly. Or bi-monthly. No way would I up the visits.

I was wondering how other Grandparents  do things etc. It sounds like I have it better than most. UNLESS you have the DD then you could see them daily to weekly.  I don't need to see them weekly. Its been almost two weeks now. I just THOUGHT that the connection would be the same or even better through texting. If I had that more it would make me feel a part more. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sunshine - first let me apologize if you took my posts as critical. They were never meant in that way. When we read anonymous posts on the internet - it is sometimes much easier for us to see the forest for the trees if you will- based on what a poster shares. Personally, I'm not criticizing you. I know that it is exciting and wonderful to anticipate becoming a grandparent. I know that like any other major milestone - we are human and we get ideas in our heads of what we want that experience to be like. And quite honestly - you may still get your vision - the baby is only 4 months old.

 

 I understand not wanting a Facebook page. Plenty of people don't.  That is absolutely your right. But you have to understand that there is a trade off. You want your son and DIL to compromise - but your words indicate that is really not the case. I understand that you had hopes that they would keep you in the loop - but quite frankly - they DO keep you in the loop. You see them once a week. Being even more up to date is available to you - but you don't want to do it. That is not your son and DIL's fault. They are using Facebook - that is their choice - their decision and the easiest way to keep many people up to date at one time.  If you don't want to open a Facebook account you aren't alone. Many people don't want a Facebook account. BUT...not doing it comes with the inherent risk of not seeing everything you want to see. You want them to take additional time and send you pictures, you don't think you need to open a FB page-but tell us they haven't asked you to. They aren't likely going to ask you to join. I never asked my mom to join. I just told her that there were pictures of our girls out there and she immediately joined and friended me.

 

I'd like to ask the question again - how often DO you want to see your grand?  It bothers you that they didn't change their lives when the baby came along. And you are right - lots of people slow down when they have a baby. Spend more time at home. But that's not everyone. This is an area where your expectations don't match theirs. Because it's what you did, you thought they would too.

 

I think you made yourself pretty clear when you were asked "Why should they go in your direction when what they are doing works for everyone else?" and your response was "Maybe because we are the GRANDPARENTS." I'll put it back to you like this. Maybe because they are the parents of a newborn, you need to think back to being a new parent - remember the demands from grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends on your time. Think about wanting to spend time with your baby. Think about trying to meet everyone's expectations. I think one of the hardest transitions for any one is becoming a grandparent - for many reasons - not the least of which is actually coming to terms in glaring light that you are now extended family - not immediate and as such have a different place in their lives. That is not meant to be insulting. It happens to anyone who gets married and has children  at some point - dealing with that transition from actively parenting to not being their primary focus. It is a painful process. Becoming a grandparent is bittersweet if nothing else. 

 

But again - how often do you want to see them? You mention that she sees her extended family more frequently, and I suspect you want equal time. But if not for us, at least for yourself, you should probably get a clear picture of what it is that you want - so that you can deal with those expectations. 

 

I'll boil it down - though the words are hard to hear - no one here is trying to make you feel bad. If absolutely nothing else comes from this - many posters, myself included, are really just trying to help you before you start down a path that could be destructive to your relationship with your son, DIL and GC.  If you are unhappy with your grandparent experience and start telling your son and/or DIL that you feel they need to change their lives to make your grandparent experience better, you run a risk of alienating them. No one wants that for you.

 

There is a quote that says....

“If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. ”

You opened up to your Mom and said there were plenty of photos on Facebook so she jumped on it. Her Grandma told me that not them. I have NEVER pushed to get photos, I just THOUGHT it would just be fun for her to send through text also. Who knows there might not be many online?? I THOUGHT it would be something she would do naturally. So, I don't expect them.

 

I don't plan to tell my DS and DIL how unhappy I am feeling. I know how it could go wrong. It has here so it would with them also. 

 

Things are just different for parents of a Daughter. They get the special treatment more...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, nobody *asks* someone to get facebook, so don't let their lack of asking you have anything to do w/it.

 

Honestly, expect visits to go down over time. Once school, homework, lessons, sports, etc kick in, there's less time for visiting.

 

And, I'm going to caution you about expecting 'traditional' roles to be adhered to. Just b/c that's the way it used to be doesn't mean that your ds or DIL are interested in continuing it. Many couples have a 'your family, your gig' division. He takes care of updating his family, birthdays, etc, and she does for hers.

They will be married three years in May. She has always took the role of keeping updates with us even it was just the two of them. Even when we are all together she is the one talking for them. Why would she stop now? Its the way she has started it off in their relationship. If she wasn't that way to start then I wouldn't expect anything. But, she plans gatherings etc. Sends photos etc. Its just how she is. 

 

Yes, life will get busier. But, at least it would make since. Sports will be fun. We live only minutes apart so we will be able to go to games and school events etc. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sunshine,

I honestly don't think you're really interested in getting photos and updates. I think you're more interested in making sure your DIL and son pay proper homage to you (or what you consider to be proper homage). They're not interested. There's nothing you can do about it.

Right there is nothing I can do. I can do my little part and see what they do. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sunshine, I generally think Facebook + family are not a good mix. I see it cause so many problems. You are already looking at the phone bill to see their overall usage vs. calls/texts to you - so seeing everything they are up to on Facebook might bring more misery than the pics & baby news is worth. (maybe this is the reason you are so reluctant to join?) Only you can decide that. You do seem to know a lot about what they are doing & putting on Facebook. Is your DD or someone else showing you DIL/DS's FB posts?

 

I will say this - I think it's okay if they realize you joined FB for them. In fact, I bet they are surprised you haven't already. You certainly don't have to though, although if you do not, I really don't see any compromise or meeting in the middle on your part.

 

I agree with everything BlueEyedGirl posted above - especially the part where she wants you to understand that we are trying to help you even though most are saying the opposite of what you want to hear. Demanding more & special is setting yourself up for heartache and quite possibly less.

 

As far as the shop - on my goodness. I would not be okay at all with DS showing up randomly - especially with others in tow. I would put some restrictions on that right away. Maybe start with saying the shop is just for your DH on certain days - giving DS one or two, him needing to call first, maybe ask him not to bring the others - at least to call, let you know they are coming, does that work for his Dad's needs in the shop, who they are, how long they plan to stay, etc. I would also giving him a date you want him to be done using your shop altogether. The end of 2014? His next birthday? 1 year from now - what you & Dh are comfortable with. How close is he to having his shop set up? Until he is completely set up  - I would gift shop stuff to him for bday & Christmas. Put an end to this. I would keep discussion on this on topic though - don't bring up vists/pics etc. that would lead them to think one has to do with the other. I get that it doesn't and that it was bothering you & your DH before baby was born - you don't want them to think it's connected though.

I do not look at the cell phone bill and see how many calls and texts are to me. I meant it by means their total usage has NOT changed since the baby arrived, if anything its more. Total usage numbers. People were saying they are busy and don't have time. They work phone time in all the time even when they are here for a visit they text others and take calls. So, that was to say its not an excuse to not text since they have a baby now. 

 

I am kinda thinking, with the shop rules changing some may be part of the reason for the distance. Maybe they are offended etc?? I think it would be great for my son to do his side job at his home. Can work whenever he has time and mom and baby can come out when they want. Here its ten minutes from their home. It gets to be long days. So, being home is good. Maybe they feel sad about not being "wanted" in the shop like the past? So, it may be thinking we don't want them around at all? But, the shop use will be stopped within a few months. For sure. We have been giving tools etc for his garage already. To help out the process. It will be a great thing when it is done and over with!!!! We all will be very happy in that department. I am glad someone agrees with me on this one!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you are not providing a need to a 4 month old baby regularly it is unlikely to have an emotional connection with that baby.  I love my niece and nephews and children of close friends that age but I have to say, there is no emotional connection.  I think perhaps it was unlikely you would feel this way.  It is obvious you feel love and a desire to "know" that baby as it grows, you already feel this and I think it is a close as you will get to feeling a connection.

 

I think you DO indeed have an idea of what a Gradma should be, because your reality is not acheiving this idea.  It obviously means, to you, that you would be sought out for company and updates more frequently than the weekly basis that is your reality.

 

It may be easier but it is still an extra step and it sounds like your expectations have increased with the ease of communication.

 

Things will likely get harder as the baby gets older.  Only bringing a child around child proof areas becomes very important.  There is more to bring with you more to be wary of.

 

I will agree RR has a way with words, her posts are always some of my favorites too.

 

Please be careful of assuming and applying gender roles they have a way of distancing generations and perspectives.  You stated earlier in your post about reaching out to both your son and DIL and your son being the one to reach out and engage with you . . . how wonderful to have a son who is so open minded and progressive.

I don't expect it to get harder for them to travel with an older baby. They take lots of things now with them. They take lots of things for themselves when they are out and about for a long day. 

 

I have had a daycare in my home for 15 years. So, child proofing has been done  here already. I have toys for all ages. So, my place is very welcoming for young kids. We have had a couple of friends that bring their kids with them. They have a great time here. Sometimes the Dad's just want to come on their own, if the kids know where they are going they want to come too. So, they come also!!! 

 

I was SURPRISED actually that my son took the extra step and asked me a question. Usually, it is her. So, he surprised me. That doesn't happen all the time. But, it was a great start. I still feel in our family the ladies do more of the communicating with others. Our guys don't mind also. Maybe not all families are like this but ours it is that way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just want to add - and second something Still waters said. Sunshine, you have said several times that as a new grandmother you didn't know what to expect, had no specific expectations. I respectfully disagree. Correct or incorrect, we all have expectations about things, even things we aren't familiar with. When I became a mother for the first time, I had certain expectations. Some were correct, others weren't. But I had expectations nonetheless. Truthfully, no one has said that your expectations are wrong, just that they are not the same/do not match up with your son and DIL's expectations. When I became a mother for the first time, when something didn't meet my expectations I had a couple of options. If it was something I had power over - say the kind of diapers we were using or what DD had to wear - I could change that. But if it was something I didn't have any control over, I had to readjust my expectations. I couldn't make X thing meet MY expectations, so I had to adjust my expectations to meet X thing. I expect my children to clean the kitchen after dinner each night - but sometimes they have too much homework and it's an unrealistic expectation for them to get all of their homework done, shower and get to bed at a decent time and still clean the kitchen. So I adjust MY expectations to be more realistic for the situation.

 

I am absolutely not trying to make light of your hopes as a grandmother. Your title is "Don't Feel Like A Grandma Yet". The baby is 4 months old. What does feeling like a grandmother mean when the baby is 4 months old?

 

What would make you feel like a grandma?

I was wondering what other Grandmas have felt also. What I am feeling is it normal? Yes, we have ideas what they should or could be like. That is why I  am here so see what others are going through or have gone through.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was wondering what other Grandmas have felt also. What I am feeling is it normal? Yes, we have ideas what they should or could be like. That is why I  am here so see what others are going through or have gone through.  

 

I just want to add - and second something Still waters said. Sunshine, you have said several times that as a new grandmother you didn't know what to expect, had no specific expectations. I respectfully disagree. Correct or incorrect, we all have expectations about things, even things we aren't familiar with. When I became a mother for the first time, I had certain expectations. Some were correct, others weren't. But I had expectations nonetheless. Truthfully, no one has said that your expectations are wrong, just that they are not the same/do not match up with your son and DIL's expectations. When I became a mother for the first time, when something didn't meet my expectations I had a couple of options. If it was something I had power over - say the kind of diapers we were using or what DD had to wear - I could change that. But if it was something I didn't have any control over, I had to readjust my expectations. I couldn't make X thing meet MY expectations, so I had to adjust my expectations to meet X thing. I expect my children to clean the kitchen after dinner each night - but sometimes they have too much homework and it's an unrealistic expectation for them to get all of their homework done, shower and get to bed at a decent time and still clean the kitchen. So I adjust MY expectations to be more realistic for the situation.

 

I am absolutely not trying to make light of your hopes as a grandmother. Your title is "Don't Feel Like A Grandma Yet". The baby is 4 months old. What does feeling like a grandmother mean when the baby is 4 months old?

 

What would make you feel like a grandma?

I answered this already and everyone thinks it will never happen. 

 

Random text or photo, DROPPING by when they are passing through. You don't have to call first. Its not rude to us if you stop by unannounced. Since their schedule is busy, why don't they plan a night for dinner instead of us always planning it. Things like that. Really its not much. I don't need to see them everyday. Or get a text everyday. Just being thought of now and then. Not just to use the shop or a tool.

 

I am just thinking if we were the parents of the Daughter things would be a little different. For some reason Mothers of Sons are treated badly. I guess two women coming together??

 

I could understand more distance if I took over etc. Or intruded or demanded things. Or we lived miles apart.  But, I only express how I am feeling through this site and my with my Husband. I am being careful with what I say etc. I don't want to make them worse. The shop issue may not be helping us. But, we will all adjust and be happy in the end. 

 

The more things get out the more I work through them. I still wish you guys could see who I am talking about and even me to help you understand where I am coming from. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I answered this already and everyone thinks it will never happen.

Random text or photo, DROPPING by when they are passing through. You don't have to call first. Its not rude to us if you stop by unannounced. Since their schedule is busy, why don't they plan a night for dinner instead of us always planning it. Things like that. Really its not much. I don't need to see them everyday. Or get a text everyday. Just being thought of now and then. Not just to use the shop or a tool.

I am just thinking if we were the parents of the Daughter things would be a little different. For some reason Mothers of Sons are treated badly. I guess two women coming together??

I could understand more distance if I took over etc. Or intruded or demanded things. Or we lived miles apart. But, I only express how I am feeling through this site and my with my Husband. I am being careful with what I say etc. I don't want to make them worse. The shop issue may not be helping us. But, we will all adjust and be happy in the end.

The more things get out the more I work through them. I still wish you guys could see who I am talking about and even me to help you understand where I am coming from.

I've been reading this one for awhile, and I have to admit to still being a little confused or unclear on some stuff, so I apologize if I sound dense. I'm a DIL but have a great relationship with MIL and DM.

Honest question, do you feel like you are being treated badly? (Since you asked about moms of sons being treated badly.). I can tell there are some things you wish you had, but do you feel like you are treated badly?

It seems like the things you want from being a grandmother (dropping by, texts, being thought of) those are all things you want someone else to do for you. What does being a Grandma mean for you to do? How does being a grandma change how you act? What kind of grandmother do you want to be?

Also, four months is such a short time. What it is now is just the beginning, and I bet things will change a lot in the next year or more. My advice for all Grandparents is to be easy, be relaxed, not be difficult. (Which it sounds like that is what you are doing, which is wonderful!).

From reading your posts on here, one observation I will make is that you seem to say a lot about what they are or aren't doing or will or won't do. (Examples from previous posts: I thought it would be something she would do (texting), why would she stop (updates) now?, I don't expect it to be more difficult to travel with an older baby,). These seem to be some large assumptions, and I'm wondering if it might do you better to let go of some of them. All of my assumptions about myself with kids have just about been blown to bits, and I know myself pretty well. So laying those assumptions down might help.

This is totally a shot in the dark, and I could be way off base, but something occurred to me:

Are you doing anything different in being a grandparent? Do you think it is possible that your DS and DIL could be saying "Sunshine isn't acting like a grandma, she doesn't seem to want to be a grandma, we wish she would do x and y so that she was more like a grandma..." Could that be part of it, that neither of you are acting as expected? What do you think their expectations of you are/were?

I agree with you about the shop and DSs side business. Do you think that actually might be as big a part of this as the new baby? I say that because you mention it a lot here, so I wonder if it is really weighing heavily on you. It is your and DH shop, and you have the absolute right to enforce boundaries around it as much as you wish in the exact manner you wish. I've been guilty of treating my mom's stuff as "mine" and it is good to be reminded that it is not.

My MIL is visiting, and I think for her one of the biggest parts of being a grandma is watching her son be a dad.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"Things are just different for parents of a Daughter. They get the special treatment more..."

 

Sunshine, I'm sorry that you feel that parents of daughters get special treatment...this is a generalization.  Maybe some do, but I know fact not all.

 

I have both a son and a daughter and my daughter's personality is just more distant than my sons.  It always has been and I can't see it changing now.  As a matter of fact, my DIL does call me a couple of times a week to chat just like she does her mother.  This is her personality and I really appreciate it because it is not the normal according to these forums.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was wondering how other Grandparents  do things etc. It sounds like I have it better than most. UNLESS you have the DD then you could see them daily to weekly.  I don't need to see them weekly. Its been almost two weeks now. I just THOUGHT that the connection would be the same or even better through texting. If I had that more it would make me feel a part more. 

I'm a DD, and even when I lived in the same city, my parents NEVER saw my children that frequently. The idea that everything is *more* based upon the gender of the child you have isn't true. It completely depends on the personalities, lifestyle, and relationship of the ppl involved.

 

You opened up to your Mom and said there were plenty of photos on Facebook so she jumped on it. Her Grandma told me that not them. I have NEVER pushed to get photos, I just THOUGHT it would just be fun for her to send through text also. Who knows there might not be many online?? I THOUGHT it would be something she would do naturally. So, I don't expect them.

 

I don't plan to tell my DS and DIL how unhappy I am feeling. I know how it could go wrong. It has here so it would with them also. 

 

Things are just different for parents of a Daughter. They get the special treatment more...

Again, a generalization, and inaccurate. I really don't know why you're convinced that having a DD means you'd be getting special treatment.

 

They will be married three years in May. She has always took the role of keeping updates with us even it was just the two of them. Even when we are all together she is the one talking for them. Why would she stop now? Its the way she has started it off in their relationship. If she wasn't that way to start then I wouldn't expect anything. But, she plans gatherings etc. Sends photos etc. Its just how she is. 

 

Yes, life will get busier. But, at least it would make since. Sports will be fun. We live only minutes apart so we will be able to go to games and school events etc. 

You're missing the vital part of this. She has a baby to take care of now. That changes a LOT of things for ppl. From the outside looking in, you aren't aware of all of it. The baby is only four months old! They're still finding their way.

 

I don't expect it to get harder for them to travel with an older baby. They take lots of things now with them. They take lots of things for themselves when they are out and about for a long day. 

 

I have had a daycare in my home for 15 years. So, child proofing has been done  here already. I have toys for all ages. So, my place is very welcoming for young kids. We have had a couple of friends that bring their kids with them. They have a great time here. Sometimes the Dad's just want to come on their own, if the kids know where they are going they want to come too. So, they come also!!! 

 

I was SURPRISED actually that my son took the extra step and asked me a question. Usually, it is her. So, he surprised me. That doesn't happen all the time. But, it was a great start. I still feel in our family the ladies do more of the communicating with others. Our guys don't mind also. Maybe not all families are like this but ours it is that way.

Whoa. My youngest 2 are 2 yo and 9 mths old. They were FAR more portable when they were younger, and I know my friends have the same experience. As wee babies, they'd sleep anywhere, any time. Eating was bottles or nursing. Now that they're older, naptime is sacred, at home. My toddler, like all my other kids, and those of my friends, NEEDS his naps, and they have to happen at home. He *won't* sleep anywhere else. He needs his bed, and his lovey. And his lovey doesn't leave the house, b/c if he ever lost it, life would be a misery. (We tried to introduce a 2nd one, and he wasn't having any of that, tyvm). Then there's the feeding issue. It can be very, very stressful to try and feed a baby or toddler when you're not at home. Mess, for one thing.

 

And again, I caution you...just b/c things were one way, doesn't mean that now a baby has arrived, they will continue that way. A lot of things get shuffled around, so they're still in transition.

 

I answered this already and everyone thinks it will never happen. 

 

Random text or photo, DROPPING by when they are passing through. You don't have to call first. Its not rude to us if you stop by unannounced. Since their schedule is busy, why don't they plan a night for dinner instead of us always planning it. Things like that. Really its not much. I don't need to see them everyday. Or get a text everyday. Just being thought of now and then. Not just to use the shop or a tool.

 

I am just thinking if we were the parents of the Daughter things would be a little different. For some reason Mothers of Sons are treated badly. I guess two women coming together??

 

I could understand more distance if I took over etc. Or intruded or demanded things. Or we lived miles apart.  But, I only express how I am feeling through this site and my with my Husband. I am being careful with what I say etc. I don't want to make them worse. The shop issue may not be helping us. But, we will all adjust and be happy in the end. 

 

The more things get out the more I work through them. I still wish you guys could see who I am talking about and even me to help you understand where I am coming from. 

I don't understand why you think you're being treated badly. You're seeing them very frequently. It may not be the frequency that you thought/asssumed/want, but it's still frequent. 

 

Reading through your answers, I'm seeing that there is a lot that you 'thought' would happen that isn't. And it's all on your DIL. You thought she'd enjoy texting you more. You thought they'd slow down. You thought they'd make more of an effort to include you.

 

I find it interesting that all of these 'thoughts' are about what your DIL should be doing for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you feel you are being treated badly? Or just not the way you want to be treated? For a long time, MY mom got the short end of the stick while I tried to please my ILs. My children are my mother's only grands. I loved my MIL and still bend over backwards to help FIL. But DH and I both have aging parents now who need our help, we have daughters who still need us. And we have each other to take care of. I agree it is a generalization that mothers of daughters have it easier. Every situation is different. 

 

But again, I ask - do you feel you are being treated badly? Or just not the way you want/expect to be treated?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"Things are just different for parents of a Daughter. They get the special treatment more..."

 

Sunshine, I'm sorry that you feel that parents of daughters get special treatment...this is a generalization.  Maybe some do, but I know fact not all.

 

I have both a son and a daughter and my daughter's personality is just more distant than my sons.  It always has been and I can't see it changing now.  As a matter of fact, my DIL does call me a couple of times a week to chat just like she does her mother.  This is her personality and I really appreciate it because it is not the normal according to these forums.

Some do have it better than others. 

 

See DIL's  do  call MIL's. It is just not in my mind. In my case I am OK with the text version. Like she did when she was pregnant and text updates etc. We were all excited that the baby was coming. Now that its here and???? Specially, since we haven't been able to get together a little note would be nice. I guess "thoughtful"  It seems life is just more hectic these days and its hard to do it all. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.