• Announcements

    • LatoyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LatoyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
RoseRed135

Do They/You Reach Out on Easter or Other Holidays?

67 posts in this topic

If you're a GP estranged from your AC (adult child) and family, do they reach out to you on major holidays such as, Easter or Passover? If so, what's your response, if any? Or do you try to contact them,  in any way, at these times? And if so, how do they react, if at all?

 

Or if you're a "younger" parent and you and yours are estranged from your kids GPs/your parents or PILs - same questions, turned the other way.

 

Please feel free to reply, also, if you are estranged from any other relative or IL or if you simply have an opinion on the topic...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nope.

 

I don't see reopening that door as ever being a positive.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't reach out to my mom anymore. Nothing ever changes so I won't take on that stress anymore, there is enough going on in the rest of my life to not be willing. We talk by phone occasionally, but sometimes even that's too much.....she puts me in JADE mode more often than not.

 

My AC/GK/Sis are all very close, see/talk frequently, celebrate holidays together, the cousins are close. I also have good relationships with my extended family so we make time for each other. Same with the DH's family....they're sort of off the hook, but we see them when we want, he more than me and that's fine. He is a "late in life" baby and his oldest sister had kids young....he has a niece my age (a 3 year age difference) who is closer to his age than either of his sisters...they spend lots of time together.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In my case, CO MIL is always "reaching out" and we have to keep ignoring her.  So, Easter is no exception, really.  She "reaches out" by card/email for January 1, Hubby's birthday, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, and Easter.  And that is just so far this year.  We will probably get cards for Arbor Day, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Mother's Day , Cinco De Mayo, International Manitee Day, and any other reason she can imagine to send a card.  Despite being told to stop by multiple channels, she keeps "reaching out".

 

If one is CO, I think it's the worst thing one can do to "reach out" to the family that cut them off.  They cut you (general "you" here) off or put you in time out for a reason.  You may not agree with it.  You may HATE it.  You may want to "reach out" because you fear the GCs will "forget" you.  You may feel that you are "owed" Easter communication because...whatever.  You may simply miss your DS/DD/GC.   

 

As someone who has CO an IL, let me tell you how it feels to be contacted out of the blue for any reason--holiday or not.  It is a slap in the face and it feels like the CO person in question only wants what they want.  It shows that the CO person feels not one iota of respect for the adults who cut them off.  It feels like the reasons they had for the CO (whether you agree with them or not) are simply not going to stop you because you have an agenda.  It shows that they don't care one speck about their AC in question--they are so obsess with contacting and getting their way, that they don't once stop to consider the consequences of their actions.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

mighty, I CO my MIL about 20 years ago. I did not tell her a thing about it, I just stopped communicating with her. If she called (no caller ID) I'd gently hang up on her. She'd call by hubby at work and complain to him about me hanging up and he'd tell her to quite calling. She seldom did after that.

Has your MIL been told that you have put her in a CO? Has DH also told her he wishes to have NO contact with her?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sue--oh yes.  By every possible method, more than once.  Certified mail twice (the first step in filing formal harassment charges in our neck of the woods), an auto-reply that bounces her emails back to her with the exact same wording as the letters sent, her voicemail doesn't even ring to his phone, but goes to a software that records the date/timestamp and records the voicemail offsite so he can retrieve it if needed.  She has been told in person, by mail, by text, by email, and by DH's old boss when they found MIL creeping around at his former employer.  Her siblings have been informed of the same things and they have received similar notices after nasty voicemails and threats.

 

We are literally waiting until she does something/says something criminal so DH can sign a 302 order (declaring her unsafe to herself and others and a mandatory 72 hour psych. hold--JUST so they can get her mental health meds into her and the judge can order a permanent stay away order.)

 

If we could file for a restraining order, we would have long ago.  But, shockingly enough, they don't exist in every state and ours is one of them.  DH can get a Protection From Abuse Order, but only since he lived with her and it would only be good for him.  I am not eligible (not related to and haven't lived with the offender), so it's waiting for something more "dangerous".  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WOW...my MIL was just plain mean. Sorry to hear that you have to be able to get enough evidence to put a stop to this crazy.

That is probably both good and bad news, to have to wait until someone finally does something criminal...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Unfortunately a good number of articles geared to CO grandparents advises them to keep trying to contact their AC/CIL/GKs by many different methods. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Unfortunately a good number of articles geared to CO grandparents advises them to keep trying to contact their AC/CIL/GKs by many different methods. 

 

Apparently, though my MIL is unable or unwilling to read the many emails and letters telling her to stop, she is capable of reading THOSE articles.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Very true, Tink. And so do many well-meaning friends and relatives, etc. In fact, I used to be among those who would suggest to posters that they keep sending cards for bdays, an occasional letter, etc., even if they got no response. Now I realize that may be the worst possible advice. Then again, I know some CO GPs fear the GC will think they've forgotten them or that they just don't care. I can see where it's a hard choice for such GPs to make.

 

But mighty, I think it's mindboggling when a GP has been told several times to stop trying to make contact and still continues. IDC what any article or friend, etc. tells them, if they see their continued efforts are backfiring, you (general) would think they'd get the message and stop. I really don't get what your MIL could be thinking. I really don't. And I'm so sorry you and DH have to deal with that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've always thought that 'major events' weddings, birth of a baby, funerals etc is never a time to 'reach out' to a CO relative.

Same can be said for holidays if you don't 'reach out' to a CO relative any other day of the year what makes a holiday a better time to do so?

My CO MIL still 'reaches out' to us for any and every holiday but she does it thru her 'flying monkeys' obviously moving 45 mins away didn't do much.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The ones that really boggle me is when folks send things to the children. Um, hello? The parents have CO. Why, in the name of Heaven, do you think it's ok to ignore the adults and attempt to send things/communicate with their minor children? How is that NOT creepy? 

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Very true, Tink. And so do many well-meaning friends and relatives, etc. In fact, I used to be among those who would suggest to posters that they keep sending cards for bdays, an occasional letter, etc., even if they got no response. Now I realize that may be the worst possible advice. Then again, I know some CO GPs fear the GC will think they've forgotten them or that they just don't care. I can see where it's a hard choice for such GPs to make.

 

But mighty, I think it's mindboggling when a GP has been told several times to stop trying to make contact and still continues. IDC what any article or friend, etc. tells them, if they see their continued efforts are backfiring, you (general) would think they'd get the message and stop. I really don't get what your MIL could be thinking. I really don't. And I'm so sorry you and DH have to deal with that.

 

Instead, I often suggest to CO GPs that they write out the cards - but not send them. They can keep them in a memory box and show it to the child later on, should the parents resume contact or the child choose to resume contact as an adult.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Instead, I often suggest to CO GPs that they write out the cards - but not send them. They can keep them in a memory box and show it to the child later on, should the parents resume contact or the child choose to resume contact as an adult.

See, that makes sense to me.

 

It's the *sending* of them that creeps me out. I can't think of another term to use. The idea that someone would go around the parent to have contact w/a minor child squicks me out, completely. That's something you warn kids about, kwim?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've always thought that 'major events' weddings, birth of a baby, funerals etc is never a time to 'reach out' to a CO relative.

Same can be said for holidays if you don't 'reach out' to a CO relative any other day of the year what makes a holiday a better time to do so?

My CO MIL still 'reaches out' to us for any and every holiday but she does it thru her 'flying monkeys' obviously moving 45 mins away didn't do much.

 

I've never gotten it either, it seems like a ploy for attention or to guilt trip using the holiday as an excuse.  Holidays are guilt trippy enough.  My thoughts are if they really want to just reach out they wouldn't need a holiday to do it.  But again I wouldn't see the point either if someone had asked you to stop contacting them period.  That's when it gets into stalkerish territory.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you mean like the parent contacting the grandparent raising the grandchild for holidays or birthdays - and that is about the only contact?  Parent has offended many family members - and thinks it is all in the past and everybody should just forget it.  Even was told that contact to resolve issues should not be done during or near any holidays!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The ones that really boggle me is when folks send things to the children. Um, hello? The parents have CO. Why, in the name of Heaven, do you think it's ok to ignore the adults and attempt to send things/communicate with their minor children? How is that NOT creepy? 

 

And yet, this is often the advice given, too, IM - to continue sending gifts to the kids if you still want to honor, say, their bdays or make sure they don't forget about you (or, as PPs have said, think you forgot them). Then there's the idea I often hear - we often hear, I think, on these boards - that the issues between the adults "shouldn't" extend to the kids. And the fear that if the GP doesn't send a gift (or card or whatever), the parents will say, in effect, "See? They don't even care about you! They couldn't even bother to recognize your birthday/remember you on Christmas!" (Not saying that parents would do that, just that this is what some GPs fear.) So anyone or all of those factors could prompt a CO GP to keep sending things to the kids. Perhaps it would be different if more GPs knew how that could backfire or simply not work. Then again, if they're sure they're "permanently" CO, some GPs don't care how the parents will react, IMO,  b/c they figure they have nothing more to lose in that vein.

 

Do you mean like the parent contacting the grandparent raising the grandchild for holidays or birthdays - and that is about the only contact?  Parent has offended many family members - and thinks it is all in the past and everybody should just forget it.  Even was told that contact to resolve issues should not be done during or near any holidays!

 

Yep, that, too, Nana-mom. And how foolish and insensitive of the parent you're speaking of to try to use holiday time to "resolve issues!"

 

But I'm wondering... does this parent actually end up seeing the child, on any holidays? And does the child enjoy the visits, if so, or are they stressful?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And yet, this is often the advice given, too, IM - to continue sending gifts to the kids if you still want to honor, say, their bdays or make sure they don't forget about you (or, as PPs have said, think you forgot them). Then there's the idea I often hear - we often hear, I think, on these boards - that the issues between the adults "shouldn't" extend to the kids. And the fear that if the GP doesn't send a gift (or card or whatever), the parents will say, in effect, "See? They don't even care about you! They couldn't even bother to recognize your birthday/remember you on Christmas!" (Not saying that parents would do that, just that this is what some GPs fear.) So anyone or all of those factors could prompt a CO GP to keep sending things to the kids. Perhaps it would be different if more GPs knew how that could backfire or simply not work. Then again, if they're sure they're "permanently" CO, some GPs don't care how the parents will react, IMO,  b/c they figure they have nothing more to lose in that vein.

 

 

Yep, that, too, Nana-mom. And how foolish and insensitive of the parent you're speaking of to try to use holiday time to "resolve issues!"

 

But I'm wondering... does this parent actually end up seeing the child, on any holidays? And does the child enjoy the visits, if so, or are they stressful?

I don't understand the reasoning of the bolded, at all.

 

If you don't have a positive relationship w/the parents, why on Earth would anyone think they're entitled to have a relationship w/children? I really don't understand that. How could a parent possibly trust someone w/their children that they don't have a relationship w/? Or such a negative one that they've felt the need for a CO?

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The other thing that comes to mind...a CO adult, attempting to contact a minor child...seems to me that's a perfect situatiuon for criminal charges.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We had this come up yesterday. We've been on TO from ILs since the beginning of February and told them that it would be for at least six months and that we would not be in contact with them during that time. Until now, they have made no effort to contact us since then, which we were hoping was a sign of them respecting the TO. Apparently we were mistaken. Yesterday DH gets a text from MIL. Apparently, she just couldn't let Easter go by without sending us a message (her words), yet for some reason, they could let thanksgiving, Christmas, DH's birthday and the like go by without any acknowledgement before the TO happened.

I second a lot of what Mighty said. MIL sending that message is disrespectful to us in that her needs/wants trump ours. It obviously didn't occur to her that we were aware that Easter would fall during our six month break and said we didn't want any contact anyways. If anything, that message has done more harm than good to the situation. It's just one more way that things are all about them and what they want. Our first anniversary also falls during the six months, so we are going to be making sure there is no contact from them around that time.

We have decided that we will be sticking to no contact and will not be responding to her text. They probably won't like it and it may get thrown back in our face one day (we were hurt when...), but we said no contact and we meant it, so I don't know why they would be expecting a response, if, in fact, they are.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We had this come up yesterday. We've been on TO from ILs since the beginning of February and told them that it would be for at least six months and that we would not be in contact with them during that time. Until now, they have made no effort to contact us since then, which we were hoping was a sign of them respecting the TO. Apparently we were mistaken. Yesterday DH gets a text from MIL. Apparently, she just couldn't let Easter go by without sending us a message (her words), yet for some reason, they could let thanksgiving, Christmas, DH's birthday and the like go by without any acknowledgement before the TO happened.

I second a lot of what Mighty said. MIL sending that message is disrespectful to us in that her needs/wants trump ours. It obviously didn't occur to her that we were aware that Easter would fall during our six month break and said we didn't want any contact anyways. If anything, that message has done more harm than good to the situation. It's just one more way that things are all about them and what they want. Our first anniversary also falls during the six months, so we are going to be making sure there is no contact from them around that time.

We have decided that we will be sticking to no contact and will not be responding to her text. They probably won't like it and it may get thrown back in our face one day (we were hurt when...), but we said no contact and we meant it, so I don't know why they would be expecting a response, if, in fact, they are.

I'd darn well extend the TO.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We haven't ruled that out. We had told them at least six months, but it could very well be longer if we feel that's best for us. Our hope is that we might be able to see each other for Christmas, but we'll see how things go.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

They haven't really used the holidays to resolve any issues (word was put out that that would not be acceptable) - however, they just think they can show up and nothing will be said/done *because* it is the holiday - does that make sense?  I may be wrong, but I have tried to make any visits not on the actual holidays - just in case!  The big blow-up in February  had the child in tears - but that is as bad as it has gotten recently.  (there was DV in the past so trying to be extremely careful as it seems there are triggers)  The visits are not as stressful as they used to be as they are supervised now (due to other things, but found out an added benefit*).

 

Other one had not seen child in 3 years - and has not acknowledged any holiday or such.  First one told child of gifts on 2 occasions - the gifts never 'arrived'...

 

*used to allow visits during a particular time w/the one - and child came home and wet the bed for 2-3 days afterwards ... and I never made the connection - one of my other kids did!  when I stuck around at one - no bedwetting ... coincidence?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@ Bailey - I'm a little confused - Are you saying that you and DH have already extended the TO up to 10 months? Or do you mean that, so far, you still plan to make contact at about 6 months but don't think you'll see them till Christmas?

 

@ Nana - Tears came to my eyes as I read your post. Poor GC! TG for you!

 

I don't recall about the "big blow-up in February" and can't find it in your previous posts. (You don't have to tell us about it, of course, but you can if you want.) As for "triggers," it's very thoughtful of you not to post about those. But please know that you can though it would be wise to let people know there may be such triggers in the post (or thread if you open your own).

 

Very wise of you, IMO, to keep visits supervised and close to holidays, rather than right on them.

 

My heart is with you and yours...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The triggers are hers - don't think they would affect anyone on the board!

 

Might not have mentioned here the February mess -- was making a comment one did not like about the other being there w/o notice after 3-yr absence and the first BLEW UP big time in a crowded eating area of a local fun spot -- words flying enough that other adults were calling her down!  So much for party for the kiddo - doubt she realizes she left w/o giving a gift or gift card for the games.  (took extra money w/me - sometimes He gives you little inklings you should do things)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now