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jeafra10

Mother is sick and daughter has to choose between her and Husband

15 posts in this topic

I have posted before on the grandmother post and did I get a lot of answers some good some bad some helpful.  Well here goes.  My sister finally got to see her grandchildren after 3 years, if you go to the other post you will read why she couldn't go see them.  Well now here is the next problem, she got there in the state and for 1 month all her son-in-law did was short of calling the police he was crazy while she was there.  Now she went home, had an accident and she is in the hospital as I write.  She had to have emergency surgery on her knee and now she can't feel her ankle.  The doctor said after she gets some physical therapy she needs to live near a relative or with a relative. (at this time she was renting a room from a friend)  Well you can guess maybe it will be  with her only child, daughter is 37 and she has the only grandchildren,.  Now this evening she told her husband that she needs to care for her mom, not 24/7 but get her a shower and some lunch in the refrigerator and she can get up with her walker.  She is 62 so maybe she will get well soon.  He has left the house and says he is done with everything, (of course they having been fighting for about 8 months because they are loosing the house) he doesn't like to work . My niece works hard and worries about her mom, she says in her heart she feels it is her responsibility to take care of her and I agree.  I am the sister, but I live 3000 miles away and have a 85 year old husband that I take care of so I can't do it. 

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  Check with social services at hospital and in your area, ask the staff at the hospital if they can help your sister and her daughter. They may not give you personal inf because of hippa laws. .You can still help her if her daughter will step up. ( Does her daughter live close by) . Sounds as if your sister will go to some kind of rehab as dr said for pt Maybe you and her dd can make arrangements for extra care after she is out of rehab  . 62 is still very young !!!!!!! Between your niece and her husband stay out of it. Not your battle. Take care of your husband.

Best of luck  keep us posted.

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With your nieces finances all up in the air, what can she do to help her out of state mother during a medical crisis?

Does your sister have medical insurance of some sort? Does it cover rehab?

If your sister only rents a room, where would the niece and her family stay?

"My niece works hard and worries about her mom, she says in her heart she feels it is her responsibility to take care of her and I agree."

Feeling responsible for our ailing parents and being financially secure enough to do so is two different things. If your niece is losing her own home, where is she going to be giving this care?

There are a lot of issues here to consider.

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I don't know all the background, but I do know in my situation, if Wolf announced part of every day was going to be devoted to taking care of his mother, and she was going to be moving near by, our marriage would likely end. We have a large family, with young children, I'm disabled myself, and a tight budget. There's simply no way we could manage that situation. Plus, loads and loads of negative history w/MIL.

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I would always make sure my mother was cared for.....but I'd NEVER live with her or allow her to live with me. NEVER EVER. I'm not a martyr or a people pleaser. Same thing about DH's late DM....I oversaw much of her care the last year of her life and I'd do it again....just not in the same house. IMP, I hear ya....loud and clear.

 

This DM/DD combination needs support from outside services. Social services at the hospital where DM is being treated is the place to start. "You have to live with a relative" is most likely taken out of context. I'd be curious what the doctor actually said. Some people have no family to speak of so that doesn't make much sense to me. 62 is young....I'll be 62 in September...

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I would always make sure my mother was cared for.....but I'd NEVER live with her or allow her to live with me. NEVER EVER. I'm not a martyr or a people pleaser. Same thing about DH's late DM....I oversaw much of her care the last year of her life and I'd do it again....just not in the same house. IMP, I hear ya....loud and clear.

 

This DM/DD combination needs support from outside services. Social services at the hospital where DM is being treated is the place to start. "You have to live with a relative" is most likely taken out of context. I'd be curious what the doctor actually said. Some people have no family to speak of so that doesn't make much sense to me. 62 is young....I'll be 62 in September...

If Wolf announced he needed to live w/MIL, I'd ask him where he was moving. Not. Ever. Doing. That.

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If Wolf announced he needed to live w/MIL, I'd ask him where he was moving. Not. Ever. Doing. That.

"So, Wolf, where shall I forward your mail?" said Imp.

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I can't imagine I would ever ask my adult married daughter to choose between her marriage, the father of her children and taking care of me, but then both of my widowed grandmothers and my father choose to go to a nursing home in their last years.  Daddy wouldn't hear of mother hurting herself trying to care for him.  Mother is already saying she will do the same when she can no longer live alone.

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Well I thank you, the problem is she  only has to live with her daughter till she gets on her feet.  Maybe 1 or 2 months, this isn't a life time thing.  She would never want to break their marriage up, but then again I feel terrible saying this but her daughter has been trying to leave this son-in-law that I feel needs a new church because he has so much hate in his body it is sicken.  He has called my sister ever name in the book and she has never called his mother any of those names.  The doctor just felt that for a little while she might need some help, it isn't the knee from surgery, that is working perfect now.  It is the shot they gave her called a nerve block on her thigh and it has made her ankle numb.  She can't walk too well.  But getting back to this story maybe I will be able to say she finally left him, I always say something comes into your life that breaks the camel's back and gives you strength to go on with your life and maybe this was it.  I always say never kick a dog when they are down.  See this man has had two domestic violence reports on his record and that is why he hates my sister because she was the one that call the cops and reported him trying to cause trouble at the house and he has such a temper that he knows he can't control it and if he gets one more domestic violence on him the judge said they will throw the key away and that is why he doesn't want her in the house, (well I say house, it is now going to be an apartment) 

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"So, Wolf, where shall I forward your mail?" said Imp.

Bingo.

 

Well I thank you, the problem is she  only has to live with her daughter till she gets on her feet.  Maybe 1 or 2 months, this isn't a life time thing.  She would never want to break their marriage up, but then again I feel terrible saying this but her daughter has been trying to leave this son-in-law that I feel needs a new church because he has so much hate in his body it is sicken.  He has called my sister ever name in the book and she has never called his mother any of those names.  The doctor just felt that for a little while she might need some help, it isn't the knee from surgery, that is working perfect now.  It is the shot they gave her called a nerve block on her thigh and it has made her ankle numb.  She can't walk too well.  But getting back to this story maybe I will be able to say she finally left him, I always say something comes into your life that breaks the camel's back and gives you strength to go on with your life and maybe this was it.  I always say never kick a dog when they are down.  See this man has had two domestic violence reports on his record and that is why he hates my sister because she was the one that call the cops and reported him trying to cause trouble at the house and he has such a temper that he knows he can't control it and if he gets one more domestic violence on him the judge said they will throw the key away and that is why he doesn't want her in the house, (well I say house, it is now going to be an apartment) 

I'm sorry, but are you getting any information first hand? As in, have you talked to your niece, witnessed her and her husband together, over an extended period of time? If all of your information is 2nd hand, you have no way of knowing if your interpretation is accurate.

 

I wouldn't live w/my MIL for ANY period of time. A month or two would have my marriage over with. Period. And, there's 0 way to truly know that. Her mother is renting a room somewhere. Chances are, the husband in this situaton figures that once his MIL moves in, she's NEVER GOING TO LEAVE. Why, to go back to renting a room? I totally understand that line of thought.

 

The fact that all this info is coming from your sister gives me pause. I'm sorry, but she has a vested interest in making her SIL look like evil incarnate. The comment that she'd never want to break their marriage is completely contradicted by you saying she's called and reported him for domestic violence. I have no idea how a change in church would impact anything, that seems kinda out of left field.

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It sounds like she's on crutches and needs physical therapy/occupational therapy while the nerve block wears off. I would think that an otherwise healthy person could get around in a rented room without issue. If she usually takes her meals out, she can have food delivered. A little organization and a visiting nurse might be all she really needs. In most areas there are patient transport services/shuttles to make things easier.

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Your sister does not HAVE to move in with her daughter.  It is easier than finding a place to live that can accomodate her short term needs.  It is cheaper than hiring a PCA for a couple of months.  But it is not a "have to" situation.

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There are two very different things going on here. I agree with PP who said that "you have to live with a relative" was taken out of context. As someone who is literally living this right now - I can tell you that for every thing that the injured or ill person is telling her dd or you, there is more to the story, and other options. For example, my FIL needed a bit of care after surgery, much like your sister. He has several children, but all of us have responsibilities to others besides him on a daily basis and none of our homes are outfitted to accommodate him based on his needs. When we talked to him the answer was "I have to live with one of you, that's what the doctor said."  Now...what the doctor ACTUALLY said was "Is living with one of your children while you recuperate an option?" The truth...my FIL did not even want to consider the option of extended rehab until he was able to care for himself, so he wasn't presenting to us as an option period. Nor was he considering that, while we could bring meals to him during the day and at night, the type of care that he needs is more extensive - helping him to the bathroom, up and down a large number of stairs, taking him to and from rehab every day, and would basically require one (or more) of us to quit our jobs or take a leave of absence, leave our spouses and children and go take care of him. While we wanted to help him to the very best of our abilities, some of the things he needed us to do just were not possible. What he didn't want to do was look into other options with us, he just wanted us to do what he wanted us to do. There are options like home health, rehab, and additional resources available but he didn't want to go down that road, he was adamant that one of us was going to take care of him. To the point where he intentionally embarassed us at the hospital and caused a minor confrontation to get him to realize that we would help every way we could but we also weren't going to be bullied into just doing it HIS way, we were going to look at all of the options and he needed to consider every one involved and not just tell us what to do.

 

The other situation - her marriage and whether or not it survives and/or was on the rocks to begin with - is not part of the elder care discussion. If it is the straw that broke the camels back - that is between wife and husband. Encouraging her to end her marriage because she wants to care for her mother and her DH is upset - even if he is already established as a thoughtless jerk who she is trying to walk away from - is not what you need to be doing. SHE has to deal with her marriage issues on her own. There is a lot more to the marriage issue than the elder care situation - and it is best for everyone concerned if those outside of the marriage just stay out of that part altogether.

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your sisters insurance may cover some in home help from a CNA or nurse. depending on your sisters age she may even have medicare which will also help with costs. 

i am guessing that your sister and neice live nearby each other  if this is the case, then your sister should be fine living on her own with the part time CNA at home.  FYI: rehab/nursing home will not release her until they are sure she can take care of herself with minimal assistance. 

I dont know the age of your sister or her finances but she should go see a "certified" Elder Law attorney which can be found on the national elderlaw attorney website.  She needs to make sure she has options in case another medical issue comes up. she needs to have a recent Power of Attorney, Health Care Directive, Living Will (these types of documents should be updated every 5 years as the laws change). she needs to see a sound financial planner to make sure she has enough life insurance or funds to help her through these times.  She needs to conact her local senior help line. here in Florida we are very geared toward seniors so we have the Area on Aging, Florida Dept Of Elder Affairs and a senor helpline.  

Neice needs to seek help from attorney asap. She needs to get her budget and finances in order.  She will also need to make sure that her estate is in good order that her kids are protected. She should also seek advice from a financial planner.  if she can find a Dave Ramsey licenced rep who possibly does his budgeting classes that would be helpful but she can also just go on his website and look there. 

Sound legal and financial help is a good first step.  caregiver.org, NAELA.org FINRA.org and SEC.gov are some awesome starting points. 

p.s. i was an elderlaw legal asst for over 12 years. my boss was also dually licenced as a financial planner and a super duper nice guy and boss. 

good luck

 

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1 hour ago, dragonbaby said:

your sisters insurance may cover some in home help from a CNA or nurse. depending on your sisters age she may even have medicare which will also help with costs. 

i am guessing that your sister and neice live nearby each other  if this is the case, then your sister should be fine living on her own with the part time CNA at home.  FYI: rehab/nursing home will not release her until they are sure she can take care of herself with minimal assistance. 

I dont know the age of your sister or her finances but she should go see a "certified" Elder Law attorney which can be found on the national elderlaw attorney website.  She needs to make sure she has options in case another medical issue comes up. she needs to have a recent Power of Attorney, Health Care Directive, Living Will (these types of documents should be updated every 5 years as the laws change). she needs to see a sound financial planner to make sure she has enough life insurance or funds to help her through these times.  She needs to conact her local senior help line. here in Florida we are very geared toward seniors so we have the Area on Aging, Florida Dept Of Elder Affairs and a senor helpline.  

Neice needs to seek help from attorney asap. She needs to get her budget and finances in order.  She will also need to make sure that her estate is in good order that her kids are protected. She should also seek advice from a financial planner.  if she can find a Dave Ramsey licenced rep who possibly does his budgeting classes that would be helpful but she can also just go on his website and look there. 

Sound legal and financial help is a good first step.  caregiver.org, NAELA.org FINRA.org and SEC.gov are some awesome starting points. 

p.s. i was an elderlaw legal asst for over 12 years. my boss was also dually licenced as a financial planner and a super duper nice guy and boss. 

good luck

 

Welcome dragonbaby! And thank you for this information. I'm sure it will be of help to some people reading here.

However, we generally ask members not to post in threads that are more than 3 months old, unless they are the OP (original poster) or it's a "stickypost"/thread pinned to the front of a forum w/ a thumbtack icon. This thread is 3 years old, so I'm going to lock it. Please look around and I'm sure you'll find some more recent threads that you'd like to post in. :)

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