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RoseRed135

Blue on Blue - Possible Triggers

18 posts in this topic

If you feel comfortable telling us, what do you feel has been the "bluest" moment in your life? I'm not asking this to pry but b/c it's so often helpful to others to see that someone else has been through similar experiences to theirs.

 

But in addition or if you prefer, what do you feel has been the happiest moment?

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The death of my DD has been the bluest, and here we are 11 yrs later and I'm just as blue. Just yesterday I was thinking of all the things that seem to happen daily for me to just not get ahead in my being blue.

 

Watching my GS w/no Mother, having my GDD thrown out. Remembering how I as the 3rd child of a poor family was the only 1 beat w/a strap. It seems right now my nerves are pretty bad and I could just cry at the drop of a hat. I thought I was doing pretty good, but my GS had a B'Day and that upset me watching him w/no Mother. My GDD went home to the Step-Dad and I'm just waiting for the emotional abuse to start.

 

I don't see my son because of my DIL fighting w/my DD and it went thru the entire family. I do have to say though it was my DIL who was at fault, for example, she borrowed 5 baby items fr my DD, a  swing, baby seat, etc. then sent 3 of the 5 back broken, and when my DD got upset she GOT MAD AT MY DD. They never even offered to pay for them or replace them.  That is just 1 example. 

I don't see my DD because of her throwing my GDD out and I had words over the Step-dad and how mean he had been over the yrs, AFTER she told me I had not been a good Mother in so many words. I have a dead DD, so right now today I'm VERY BLUE.

 

The happiest day was the day I got married, I was so in love and I never dreamt I would have so many heart aches when I just wanted to marry the man I loved and have his children. Then when I had 3, I was in heaven because I lived to take care of them.

 

Right now I'm trying to live for today, trying not to live in the past too much, my Son and DD can come home when ever they want, my Deceased DD can't, so I'm really trying to put my energy into that loss, and her son. but, I will admit it has been really hard lately, I'd just love to have something go right for a change. 

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My heart and prayers go out to you, godsgifts!!

 

 

I think the most difficult loss and bluest moment was the premature death of my Dad. Time has somewhat softened that pain, but on rare occasions, it saddens me again, like last evening, outside a convenience store, I saw a man who reminded me of Dad.  

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I don't know if it was losing my parents with in 6 weeks of each other when I was just 22, or losing my DH after almost 39 years of marriage.  

 

I try not to dwell on all the bad things that have happened to me and try to keep a upbeat attitude because it scares me about how low I could get if I thought about all that has happened in my life. I always find somebody else has it worse so mine can't be too bad.

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@ Imback and critter - So sorry for your losses.

 

@ All - It is always especially sad, IMO, when someone passes "too early" or when those of us left behind are very young. There's something very out-of-whack about it, like a snowstorm in the month of May.

 

As for me, I lost my beloved dad when I was only 23 and he was too young, himself, in my eyes, to be gone. Both my DBs passed too young, also and now a very dear cousin of mine. No doubt, those were some of the lowest moments of my life. As close as I was to DM and as sad as I was when she died. at least, I knew she had lived a long life and gotten to have all the main experiences she wanted to have.. When someone goes early, it feels to me as if they, somehow, had "unfinished business," whether they really did or not.

 

But like you critter, I try not to dwell on these losses, etc. And at the risk of sounding a little maudlin, I think they've made me appreciate the people I do have in my life and all its happier aspects.

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I know I lost my Mother when I was 30, and I thought that was so very hard, I cried for yrs when I spoke of her. Then when I lost a child, that was worse, an out of order loss so to speak.You just don't bury your child, and her being 20 and leaving a 19 mo old baby, I just can't convince mself her life here was what they say complete.

For all of you gals who lost a parent too young or too soon together in time I'm sorry for all your losses. It doesn't matter how old you are to loose a parent, it's so hard because they are our parent, and they brought us into this world.

I do know the loss my DD has made me realize life is short, and we are NOT guaranteed a tomorrow. I try hard not to dwell on her death, but it's very hard some days. I have become more compassionate and do have more patience w/a lot of things, but none the less I just have many difficult days. I do think of my DD every single day, and many time even during an hour, it's just a very different death you never get over, you learn to work thru it, but some days I wonder Why do I even bother trying.

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I know I lost my Mother when I was 30, and I thought that was so very hard, I cried for yrs when I spoke of her. Then when I lost a child, that was worse, an out of order loss so to speak.You just don't bury your child, and her being 20 and leaving a 19 mo old baby, I just can't convince mself her life here was what they say complete.

For all of you gals who lost a parent too young or too soon together in time I'm sorry for all your losses. It doesn't matter how old you are to loose a parent, it's so hard because they are our parent, and they brought us into this world.

I do know the loss my DD has made me realize life is short, and we are NOT guaranteed a tomorrow. I try hard not to dwell on her death, but it's very hard some days. I have become more compassionate and do have more patience w/a lot of things, but none the less I just have many difficult days. I do think of my DD every single day, and many time even during an hour, it's just a very different death you never get over, you learn to work thru it, but some days I wonder Why do I even bother trying.

 

B/c there are people who need you, gifts. Including us!

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My older sister died Dec 27. She had been ill from a stroke from a few years ago. and since her SO died in 2008 she just gave up trying to even help herself get any better, example, walking. I know it was very hard for her, she met him when she was about 16 and he 17 or so and they were such a loving couple, with 3 great boys.

 

Anyway, it's now me and my brother, and he's a yr and 1/2 older than me, my sister was 12 yrs older. At least she did make it through Christmas for her boys.

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The death of my DD has been the bluest, and here we are 11 yrs later and I'm just as blue. Just yesterday I was thinking of all the things that seem to happen daily for me to just not get ahead in my being blue.

 

Watching my GS w/no Mother, having my GDD thrown out. Remembering how I as the 3rd child of a poor family was the only 1 beat w/a strap. It seems right now my nerves are pretty bad and I could just cry at the drop of a hat. I thought I was doing pretty good, but my GS had a B'Day and that upset me watching him w/no Mother. My GDD went home to the Step-Dad and I'm just waiting for the emotional abuse to start.

 

I don't see my son because of my DIL fighting w/my DD and it went thru the entire family. I do have to say though it was my DIL who was at fault, for example, she borrowed 5 baby items fr my DD, a  swing, baby seat, etc. then sent 3 of the 5 back broken, and when my DD got upset she GOT MAD AT MY DD. They never even offered to pay for them or replace them.  That is just 1 example. 

I don't see my DD because of her throwing my GDD out and I had words over the Step-dad and how mean he had been over the yrs, AFTER she told me I had not been a good Mother in so many words. I have a dead DD, so right now today I'm VERY BLUE.

 

The happiest day was the day I got married, I was so in love and I never dreamt I would have so many heart aches when I just wanted to marry the man I loved and have his children. Then when I had 3, I was in heaven because I lived to take care of them.

 

Right now I'm trying to live for today, trying not to live in the past too much, my Son and DD can come home when ever they want, my Deceased DD can't, so I'm really trying to put my energy into that loss, and her son. but, I will admit it has been really hard lately, I'd just love to have something go right for a change.

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In the 90's Dr. Scott Peck wrote "Road Less Traveled". I think that was one of my Ah ha moments. Somehow we get this idealistic idea that life is supposed to be good, fun, filled with laughter and flowers. Parents are supposed to love their children, each other and we would all live in harmony. This is not typical and as you get older with deep losses the pain of knowing this is not the normal ways of life it is too much for some of us. We are fragile human beings and we don't protect ourselves as we try to protect our children. Then they turn around and begin to put all their attention and energy into their families. That is where we really get tripped up. We have an unrealistic expectation that they will return all that love and affection, energy, etc., and it isn't so. How we handle that is how strong a character and how much faith I have in God. My children brought me to my knees and I had nowhere else to go. I had been their sole parent until their father wanted his "trophy" sons at 16 and 14. They moved 250 miles away and the fear in my soul took over every other emotion. They lived thru the transition, went to college, married, had 2 kids a piece and all seem to be well and happy. I feel like I lost about 15 years of my life so I turned to helping others in AA. It was always one step up and 2 back emotionally. I am still here today, will see all of them Friday for a swim, or so I am told. If you learn to live without expectations of others it somehow helps.

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My older sister died Dec 27. She had been ill from a stroke from a few years ago. and since her SO died in 2008 she just gave up trying to even help herself get any better, example, walking. I know it was very hard for her, she met him when she was about 16 and he 17 or so and they were such a loving couple, with 3 great boys.

 

Anyway, it's now me and my brother, and he's a yr and 1/2 older than me, my sister was 12 yrs older. At least she did make it through Christmas for her boys.

That is a lot. Take good care of yourself. Concentrate on the good.

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My older sister died Dec 27. She had been ill from a stroke from a few years ago. and since her SO died in 2008 she just gave up trying to even help herself get any better, example, walking. I know it was very hard for her, she met him when she was about 16 and he 17 or so and they were such a loving couple, with 3 great boys.

 

Anyway, it's now me and my brother, and he's a yr and 1/2 older than me, my sister was 12 yrs older. At least she did make it through Christmas for her boys.

So sorry. I only had brothers. 3 of them. I only speak to one, you can lose your brothers thru other ways". Life is about loss. Or so it seems.

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If you feel comfortable telling us, what do you feel has been the "bluest" moment in your life? I'm not this to pry but b/c it's so often helpful to others to see that someone else has been through similar experiences to theirs.

But in addition or if you prefer, what do you feel has been the happiest moment?

B/c there are people who need you, gifts. Including us!

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If you feel comfortable telling us, what do you feel has been the "bluest" moment in your life? I'm not asking this to pry but b/c it's so often helpful to others to see that someone else has been through similar experiences to theirs.

 

But in addition or if you prefer, what do you feel has been the happiest moment?

I lost my mom in 1992, my dad in 2005, I felt like such an orphan. It is a state of mind I chose to develop, which is a nefpgative way to go. I wouldn't even celebrate my birthday and holidays were awful. I put all my everything into my kids and once married I again felt that loss, this time even worse. Misery is an option. Today I have to make a choice every day, live in the past and be miserable or live in the now, sometimes one day at a time. I try not to go too far in the future either. These are learned behaviors. We aren't born with inherent knowledge of what is good for us and what is not.

Edited by rosered135
to reflect editing of quoted post

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@ Diane - Welcome! So glad that you feel comfortable enough here to share your thoughts and feelings.

 

My deepest condolences on the loss of your parents and the sense of bereavement that it left you with. I'm so sorry that you felt that sense of loss again as the years passed and new changes occurred, some of them quite dramatic (having your kids move so far away). But I'm glad you got through it and found a ways to cope, including that of helping others.

 

I put all my everything into my kids and once married I again felt that loss, this time even worse.

 

Not sure if you're referring, here, to when you got married or when your DSs (dear sons) did though I think it's the latter. If so, I'm not clear on why it reopened that old sense of sorrow. And so I'm wondering, did you ever get any kind of grief counseling after losing your parents? If not, do you think it would help now?

 

Anyhow,  I want you to know that I find your posts #s 10 & 14 above very sensitive, thoughtful and moving. I didn't hit the "like" button b/c of the sorrow and loss in them, but, IMO, they are very beautiful. And I see you have accumulated over 10 posts, altogether, so you now can open a conversation of your own, if you so choose.

 

Meanwhile, I hope you follow the advice that SueSTx gave you elsewhere about changing your username.

 

... Peace...

 

 

 

 

 

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Oh wow; I am new here and hope to get things done properly soon.  I did see this and had to comment....  I have never been real good with Christmas.  Never has been a time that made me real happy.  But; then I am not real good at "happy".  I am what I am and that's ok most of the time.  I am 62 years old, raised five sons, and have seven grands.  Took me most of that time and an Apostolic preacher to make me realize that it was OK to love folks but still not  like them. I love that man.  The "happiest" times in my life however were on my grandmother's old school style farm right down to the lack of certain basics. Never was happier anywhere else.  My youngest granddaughter makes me happier than any other person ever has in my life except maybe my first "love".. Too many long stories here.  I grew up with a mother with issues. Who knows exactly what they were.  I never thought of myself as depressed because I never was  really unhappy unless situationally induced (at least in my mind) til my husband went down the tubes with his first love "alcohol"..  That was and is the biggest shock of my life and caused quite the depression....probably aggravated residual from some trauma earlier in my life. There that is all out now.  I do think though; that those of us who live with abnormal behaviors growing up think of them as normal, be it alcoholism or abuse or depression in parents, and are the last to see them in ourselves and those closest to us.

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Welcome, Tofugrammie, you have indeed found the right place to share your issues & concerns. I totally agree that when abnormal behaviors are part of your everyday they do become your normal. My biggest challenge as a wife & mother were to consciously not repeat my own mother issues....I never felt heard or appreciated for my individuality by my mother...it was life long. When she passed last year my reaction was was almost noncommittal...I hadn't seen her in two years or spoken to her on the phone for several months. Over the years I tried to talk to her about my issues...she brushed them off as not important "oh, don't feel that way". She was never mean, took good physical care of us (I have a sister with similar issues), just not emotionally present in our lives in a positive way. Being a mom helped me grow real emotional health. My bio kids & I are very close and I am very close with my step daughter. Everybody is grown, I have 8 grand kids. My perfect-for-me husband of over 30 years died nearly 2 years ago....I hate that. Even during those last awful months, we were still happy together (long battle with cancer). I continue to move forward, however, taking it one day at a time.

I still have the occasional really bad day....you may find me still in my robe at 5 in the afternoon even though I've been up since 8. Other days I get a ton of stuff done. I adore my GK, 5 boys, 3 girlies....ages 3-12. I believe in getting it all out on the table. Passive aggressive or similar actions are non productive, like your son going off on you without giving you an opportunity to discuss your feelings. Drama feeds drama.

Feel free to prowl around the forums. There is a so much great information here. As well, you will find support, camaraderie and (lots and lots) of opinions, all valuable. FYI, we do ask that threads more than 3 months old not be brought up unless you are the OP (original poster).

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17 hours ago, Tofugrammie said:

(Oh wow; I am new here and hope to get things done properly soon.  I did see this and had to comment....  I have never been real good with Christmas.  Never has been a time that made me real happy.  But; then I am not real good at "happy".  I am what I am and that's ok most of the time.  I am 62 years old, raised five sons, and have seven grands.  Took me most of that time and an Apostolic preacher to make me realize that it was OK to love folks but still not  like them. I love that man.  The "happiest" times in my life however were on my grandmother's old school style farm right down to the lack of certain basics. Never was happier anywhere else.  My youngest granddaughter makes me happier than any other person ever has in my life except maybe my first "love".. Too many long stories here.  I grew up with a mother with issues. Who knows exactly what they were.  I never thought of myself as depressed because I never was  really unhappy unless situationally induced (at least in my mind) til my husband went down the tubes with his first love "alcohol"..  That was and is the biggest shock of my life and caused quite the depression....probably aggravated residual from some trauma earlier in my life. There that is all out now.  I do think though; that those of us who live with abnormal behaviors growing up think of them as normal, be it alcoholism or abuse or depression in parents, and are the last to see them in ourselves and those closest to us.

(((Hugs))) Tofugrammie! Many, many ((((hugs!)))

I'm so deeply sorry that you've been through so many troubled times though I'm glad you've had and still have people in your life who bring you happiness. Glad, too, that you feel comfortable sharing it all w/ us. I hope Mame's words bring you some comfort and encouragement.

As she says, though, we do generally ask members not to bring up threads over 3 months old, unless they're the OP. (Another exception is if it's a pinned thread - w/ thumb tack icon to the left of the title.) So I'm going to go ahead and lock this one.  Hope to talk w/ you elsewhere on the site.

ETA: @ All - A new, similar thread has now been opened and pinned:

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135
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