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The Out-of-Wedlock Grandchild

30 posts in this topic

This is an interesting thread, in my opinion.

My parents and pils were very vocal on the topic of premarital sex, they worried a lot - we met when we were 3 and married at 22, without ever dating anyone else. My husband and I were very vocal to our kids as well. Nobody got married because someone was pregnant, except my brother - and it wasn't even true anyway, she lied horrifically.

Fast forward 50-60 years since we all started dating - our son got divorced, life had changed - I guess. The first woman he dated, after his divorce, became pregnant (with DS child, his fault for not taking care) before they married.

My husband and I shut up on the topic. Nobody has any idea what we think of a scenario that included marrying right after meeting, marrying right after a divorce, and marrying right after a funeral (her husband passed away). And pregnant when they already had 4 kids between them. All I could think was how much more can be piled on this compounded mess? (clue: we weren't remotely pleased or overjoyed).

All you can do is shut up, let them figure it out, hope ds has sense for DNA testing.

Edited by JanelleK

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My son's oldest child and my daughters oldest were both conceived before marriage. I am quite religious. BUT....my moma taught me unconditional love. Those 2 little boys will never, ever be loved because they were conceived before a preacher pronounce their parents married.

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Did you mean to say your GSs would "never, ever not be loved..." or "never, ever be unloved...?"

Anyway, how lovely that you can balance your strict religious convictions w/ "unconditional love." A beautiful attitude, IMO!

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On 10/16/2014 at 6:35 PM, RoseRed135 said:

 If you have a GC born outside of marriage and you have some concerns about the situation, please share them w/ us.

I'll admit, this "concern" amuses me.  

We have a dozen grandchildren, and none came after a wedding. Maybe the youngest of the older boys will have a wedding, at some point, but they have six children and want to wait until she can stay 'not pregnant' long enough to plan a wedding.  However, having a family is far more important to them than having a wedding. The second oldest has been married and divorced, but has no children. 

Marriage is, evidently, not how young people do things these days.

One GC was born outside of a relationship, and that situation has been difficult, but marriage would only have made it more complicated. The mother wanted to get married, the father didn't, but didn't take precautions when he "allowed himself" to be seduced. I have no sympathy. He knows where babies come from and if he didn't want one, he knew what to do. The GC is adorable, and extremely welcome.

Edited by GrandmaMisti

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I got pregnant myself before I was married, so my Mother called me every name in the book. She was a very old fashion lady from Scotland. I did get married, but the names always stuck with me, & how ashamed she made me feel. She made me hide it for 5 mos.& not tell anyone. She even made me change my marriage date to show I got married BEFORE  I got pregnant.  I  remember an Aunt of my husbands saying, " It was a baby made with love, it's your love child." I got pregnant the night before my then boyfriend of 2 /1/2 yrs went into the Marines.  This baby ended  up being my Mothers favorite GHD.

Because of this even though married for 54 yrs. I had always talked to both my girls about getting pregnant before marriage. I tried to explain how hard it was being so young raising a baby, not enjoying our youth, not saving money for the future of having a family.  I talked quite frequently to them hoping they would see how much easier it would be to married, save money, have a home, then have children.

Low and behold both my girls had children out of wed lock. The oldest did not marry the boyfriend for many reasons I can't get into, but he is in & out of jail, did drugs, lied, stole  etc.  My youngest daughter was into drugs & alcohol self medicating, for reasons I can't explain, then a so called friend got her drunk & pregnant, who she did not marry. Again a drug dealer, doing and selling. I was not ashamed, but very upset with the boys they got pregnant by, knowing their reputations, but I must say so VERY glad they did NOT marry them.

My oldest married a teacher who is not a good step-dad to my GHD, once he had his own she was now NOT his. He eventually hit my GHS  then she reported him to the authorities so he threw her out.

My youngest was killed so we are now dealing with my GS's low life Dad trying to undo what bad things he learns from him, when he is here. Undo the cussing and lying if we can. etc.    

Personally I Love these 2 GCH with all my heart , but will never accept either Dad in my life. None of these children asked to be born, it's the responsibility of the parent including me. I have done my best since age 17 but I do feel I must have in some way failed my girls, because they did exactly as I tried for years have them not do. In the long run my husband & I have suffered more than this note can explain due to their pregnancies. I may have ashamed my Mother, but I did raise my child, my Mother did not. We have almost raised these 2 GHD. My deceased DD I don't mind I'd rather he be here than with his Dad, but my GDD should be being raised by her MOTHER.  

 But there are TOO MANY Grand Parents raising their GCH due to the parents not taking responsibility OF THEIR OWN child.  So much worse than just being ashamed of being pregnant.    Oh I have a son the oldest who did not get any girl pregnant out of wed lock.       Sorry so long.

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