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RoseRed135

Calling All Guys, 2017!

38 posts in this topic

We have lots of women come on these boards - moms and GMs (grandmothers), MILs (mothers-in-law) and DILs (daughters-in-law) etc. But it would be good to hear from more of you guys, as well. So please come and join the few guys we already have here. When you're ready, please introduce yourself below and let us know about your grandparenting experience - good, bad or indifferent. Please feel free to ask questions or make suggestions, etc. And perhaps, join in some of the other conversations in this community, as well.

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Hello

I am a fairly new Grandfather. I just joined this forum due to desperation. I see this is an old post and about fathers/Grandfathers so I thought I might join in. Or start.

I am almost 47 fairly young to be a GD but irresponsibly i started young. I am on my 3rd Marriage. I have 3 biological children and many what i call bonus children, (Children that remained close after divorces). I had 2 Step-c remain with me until they graduated. I was a single parent of my 3 BC for a good portion of there lives, 1 19 year old D she is  wonderful and in her 4th year of college 24 year old son with Asperger's, he is great and far exceeded Dr's and Psych' Dr's  predicted. Then there is my oldest son 26. The main source of stress at this time.

I have 2 GD, one age 4 from my 3 wife's daughter. I have been there since day 1. We became extremely close after I finally grew up...another story.... but a great one. My second GD is BIO from my oldest son and DIL. she is 6 months old and absolutely wonderful.

My main issue at this point is that my Son has done the unthinkable. He chose to have a 9 month affair. Meaning he was cheating while my DIL/his wife was still pregnant with my GD. I will not go into specifics. But it is horrible. I fear I will never see my DIL or GC again. I love my son and will continue, but feel so broken and angry. His wife and her family do not know. It will destroy them. I am struggling with so many emotions. I was faithful in all my relationships, all of my children were raised to be faithful. They saw how it destroyed me and affected my relationships. I cannot wrap my head around any of it and its seriously as bad as a bad Jerry Springer  show. I am very afraid and have no clue how to proceed.

I welcome any thoughts would love to know if there are any other men on here to talk to, but women could clearly give me insight. 

thank you

 

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@1FracturedFamily  - Welcome! Good to have somebody respond to this thread!

We usually ask members not to bump up threads over 3 months old, unless they're the OP (original poster) or it's a "stickypost"/thread pinned to the front of a forum. However, I understand why you jumped in here. Ordinarily, I would lock it down, though, until the Lead Moderator of this forum (Grandparents Unplugged) could take a look at it. But since this is my thread, I'm just going to update it and leave it open, until the LM can check it out.

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29 minutes ago, 1FracturedFamily said:

Hello

I am a fairly new Grandfather. I just joined this forum due to desperation. I see this is an old post and about fathers/Grandfathers so I thought I might join in. Or start.

I am almost 47 fairly young to be a GD but irresponsibly i started young. I am on my 3rd Marriage. I have 3 biological children and many what i call bonus children, (Children that remained close after divorces). I had 2 Step-c remain with me until they graduated. I was a single parent of my 3 BC for a good portion of there lives, 1 19 year old D she is  wonderful and in her 4th year of college 24 year old son with Asperger's, he is great and far exceeded Dr's and Psych' Dr's  predicted. Then there is my oldest son 26. The main source of stress at this time.

I have 2 GD, one age 4 from my 3 wife's daughter. I have been there since day 1. We became extremely close after I finally grew up...another story.... but a great one. My second GD is BIO from my oldest son and DIL. she is 6 months old and absolutely wonderful.

My main issue at this point is that my Son has done the unthinkable. He chose to have a 9 month affair. Meaning he was cheating while my DIL/his wife was still pregnant with my GD. I will not go into specifics. But it is horrible. I fear I will never see my DIL or GC again. I love my son and will continue, but feel so broken and angry. His wife and her family do not know. It will destroy them. I am struggling with so many emotions. I was faithful in all my relationships, all of my children were raised to be faithful. They saw how it destroyed me and affected my relationships. I cannot wrap my head around any of it and its seriously as bad as a bad Jerry Springer  show. I am very afraid and have no clue how to proceed.

I welcome any thoughts would love to know if there are any other men on here to talk to, but women could clearly give me insight. 

thank you

 

Whew! A lot to take in here. Sounds like you've been through a lot and made your mistakes, but have turned out to be a great dad, FIL and GF. Kudos!

I'm so deeply sorry about what DS (dear son) has done and what may happen to his family unit b/c of it. Also, as a mom/MIL/GM, I understand that you're worried about how it may impact you down the road and your relationship w/ DIL and, perhaps especially, baby GD. My heart goes out to you!

But you say DIL doesn't know. Are you sure? Perhaps she won't find out, and nothing will change for you. If she does... IDK... they may find a way to work things out, go to marriage counseling or whatever. Who knows? If she leaves him (and, no doubt, this is your fear)... IDK... but my first thought is that if you're loving and supportive of both DS and DIL, you may not lose contact w/ GD. Try not to jump the gun though - the situation might not go there.

For now, I think, all you can do is wait, talk to us, and see what happens... Patience... Peace...

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i dont know what bumping is it was about Grandfathers/Fathers/Men. I'm sorry if I did something wrong.

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5 minutes ago, 1FracturedFamily said:

i dont know what bumping is it was about Grandfathers/Fathers/Men. I'm sorry if I did something wrong.

Sorry - "bumping" means bringing a thread back up to the front by posting in it. But yes, I get why you posted in this one, and, in fact,  I've replied to your concerns above. I'm sure others will soon, as well. :)

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Welcome @1FracturedFamily. I am Mame925, moderator for this forum. I totally get why this thread appealed to you and agree with Rose to keep it open.

I'm sorry for your family's struggle. And it's far more common that you might think. Some men panic and run at the thought of the responsibility of a new baby. I'm sure its a hard secret for you to keep. How is it that you know? Also, it's not your fault your son made a poor choice. 

Life is all about choices...and their consequences. 

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Thank you for responding 

She will find out

its a bad situation. I had to go sown to my parents, my father had an emergency 3 way by-pass surgery. It is a 10 hour drive. I have many health issues and have recently had my drivers license taken due to possible epilepsy. Have tests tomorrow. Anyway my son and DIL and GC drove me down, this was also the first time my parents had seen their GGC. everything went well. My DIL chose to stay for a couple of weeks to help care for my parents. she has nursing experience. Halfway home my son gets a call from his best friend telling him he knows about the affair with his wife. He vented/Confessed/? on me for the remaining trip. They all have known each other since childhood. All went to the same church. My DIL's father was their youth minister, he now is the minister at the church they attend...ugh. I am heart broken about my GD...how his actions will effect my DIL and her family...at this point they are my concern. My son says he loves them both....the other woman just had a child that might be his. At this moment he clearly has lost his mind. I feel I need to focus on GC and DIL and helping them. Is this wrong. 

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Hi Fractured, and again welcome.

My only suggestion is to be sure and not bad mouth either parent or throw either "under the bus".  Try to remain as neutral as possible.

When my one GD was 10, her parents separated for a few months.  The actually got back together on the day they were suppose to go to court.  They all seem content five years later.

During the time they were separated, I didn't remove his pictures from the wall, or ever say anything other than I'm sure you will do what is best for everyone.  SIL and I are not as close as we used to be, but we have a closer relationship that many others have do.

In other words...keep your nose out of there business while trying to support both of your GC parents.

I typed this message before your update.  Is this wrong?  I have to say staying out of others business is never wrong, but what if this newest baby is also your grandchild?

Prayer might be your best answer for the time being.

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Of course it's not wrong...maybe just misplaced...This is your SON's mess to fix, not yours. All you can do is be supportive of him doing the best he can for everyone involved. He needs to have a paternity test done on the other woman's baby...and see the results, this is no time to trust word of mouth (he can't be trusted, so at this point its in his best interest to not trust others). If the child is not his, I'm hoping he can cut those ties. If he wants to stay with his wife and knows she's going to find out, he may need to just get out in front of it, confess (with a councilor present if possible) and own it. That's the first step to regaining her trust, if she chooses to stay. If the other child does belong to your son, he'll need to get it all out in the open. He'll have two children to support regardless of the outcome of his marriage.

Sue is right, never criticize any of the parents to any of the children...you may be the only safe place in the storm.

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I am trying to stay out. I wish I didnt know but my son brought me into it.  Now along with guilt over my sons behavior, I feel I am lieing by keeping my DIL in the dark, taking care of my parents. while my son is soing who knows what with his you know what, who knows where. And ya what if the other child is his. I will love that child. A challenge but its a child that would be mine...Ever see  the movie "Despicable Me"...watched it twice in a row once with my GD-in law..once for myself. the second time I cried most of the way through because in to many ways it was like watching myself. She actually gained a PaPa that day ...Me. change my life that dumb movie did...by the way on a lighter note she is like the girl in the movie that makes all the noises.

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Haven't seen the movie...

And you still need to stay out of it...he confided...he trusts you. Even if he was just trying to share his guilt, doesn't me you have to accept the load. 

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Thanks Mame , Sue and Rose, 

Your words are helping. I am not bad-mouthing, I know where that can lead. Just muddies the water. And I know it was his choices, I am letting him stay at my home for now.... He knows I cant un-love him. He also knows how devastated and disappointed I  am. They were all roommates. we all knew each other I know all parents and extended families...maybe thats what makes it hard. It wasn't just some fling with a stranger. not that that would make it right. Those two just greatly impacted many lives ....alarmingly there own innocent children 

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Unfortunately, your ds's selfish behaviour will bite you. I just don't see a way it can't.

He confessed the affair...and now you're a part of the lies. When your DIL finds out, finds out that you knew, and you lied to her...it's going to destroy any trust she has in you.

Your son has made a terrible mess of things, and now you've been dragged into it.

I'm sorry, it's a horrible place to be.

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I think that's worse case scenario, Imp....Keeping a confidence in the short term (this can only be short term...explosion pending) isn't the same as knowing for an extended period. DIL will most likely be angry at you, but that can't be helped. 

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4 hours ago, 1FracturedFamily said:

Thanks Mame , Sue and Rose, 

Your words are helping. I am not bad-mouthing, I know where that can lead. Just muddies the water. And I know it was his choices, I am letting him stay at my home for now.... He knows I cant un-love him. He also knows how devastated and disappointed I  am. They were all roommates. we all knew each other I know all parents and extended families...maybe thats what makes it hard. It wasn't just some fling with a stranger. not that that would make it right. Those two just greatly impacted many lives ....alarmingly there own innocent children 

Hi, I'm wondering why he is staying at your house instead of going home-

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40 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

Hi, I'm wondering why he is staying at your house instead of going home-

Wife & baby out of town....roommates are part of the problem. Basically, I think he's hiding.

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2 hours ago, Mame925 said:

I think that's worse case scenario, Imp....Keeping a confidence in the short term (this can only be short term...explosion pending) isn't the same as knowing for an extended period. DIL will most likely be angry at you, but that can't be helped. 

I don't think most folks are terribly rational at finding out their spouse betrayed them, and others knew about it.

I'm not saying it'll be forever. But I think it would be wrong not to brace for the impact it will have on the relationship.

i'm sorry that your ds put you in this situation. I really, truly am.

The only person in a worse situation, imo, is your DIL and her child.

I hope she finds out soon, b/c if nothing else, she needs to have some health checks run. 

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Best case scenario, I think, would be if DS confessed to DIL and didn't mention that anyone else/Fractured knew. She may still be devastated, of course, poor woman. But it might not impact her relationship w/ Fractured as strongly.

DS needs to tell her, especially b/c he may now have another child by his lover. Better for him to tell her, IMO, than the other woman. But you can't do anything about that, of course, Fractured.

I realize he might not keep quiet about your knowing, but I hope he does. It would serve no purpose for him to drag you into the middle of this.

 

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Fractured is an accidental confidant, not a co-conspirator. Two vastly different positions. IMO his purpose going forward is to encourage DS to do what's in the best interest of the children involved. I don't see how DS can get out of this any other way than coming clean. Too many people already know, so he'll need to get with it.

This is NOT Fractured's news to tell. 

 

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19 hours ago, 1FracturedFamily said:

Thank you for responding 

She will find out

its a bad situation. I had to go sown to my parents, my father had an emergency 3 way by-pass surgery. It is a 10 hour drive. I have many health issues and have recently had my drivers license taken due to possible epilepsy. Have tests tomorrow. Anyway my son and DIL and GC drove me down, this was also the first time my parents had seen their GGC. everything went well. My DIL chose to stay for a couple of weeks to help care for my parents. she has nursing experience. Halfway home my son gets a call from his best friend telling him he knows about the affair with his wife. He vented/Confessed/? on me for the remaining trip. They all have known each other since childhood. All went to the same church. My DIL's father was their youth minister, he now is the minister at the church they attend...ugh. I am heart broken about my GD...how his actions will effect my DIL and her family...at this point they are my concern. My son says he loves them both....the other woman just had a child that might be his. At this moment he clearly has lost his mind. I feel I need to focus on GC and DIL and helping them. Is this wrong. 

For clarity's sake, was the affair with the best friend's wife?  If so, the best friend will probably be the one to tell your DIL. And like you fear, she will probably blame you, too for keeping it from her, even though you are not the one who did the deed. Like another poster said, encourage your son to fess up before someone else tells her. Which will also add embarrassment to her.  Then you can honestly tell your DIL that you just found out and told him to come clean.  I am so sorry you are in this awful, terrible position. 

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9 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

Best case scenario, I think, would be if DS confessed to DIL and didn't mention that anyone else/Fractured knew. She may still be devastated, of course, poor woman. But it might not impact her relationship w/ Fractured as strongly.

DS needs to tell her, especially b/c he may now have another child by his lover. Better for him to tell her, IMO, than the other woman. But you can't do anything about that, of course, Fractured.

I realize he might not keep quiet about your knowing, but I hope he does. It would serve no purpose for him to drag you into the middle of this.

 

Agreed. But what happens when his DIL asks him if he knew? B/c I wouldn't bet against that. And given how considerate Fractured's ds has been so far, I sincerely doubt he's going to keep his father's involvement a secret.

2 hours ago, Mame925 said:

Fractured is an accidental confidant, not a co-conspirator. Two vastly different positions. IMO his purpose going forward is to encourage DS to do what's in the best interest of the children involved. I don't see how DS can get out of this any other way than coming clean. Too many people already know, so he'll need to get with it.

This is NOT Fractured's news to tell. 

 

Here's the problem, as I see it. Fractured knows. His DIL is tending to Fractured's parents. 

DIL finds out that Fractured knew, and said nothing, she's not only going to feel betrayed, she's going to feel used, and wonder if Fractured said nothing so that she'd continue to take care of his parents.

I'm not saying that's a reasonable thing, but I sincerely doubt that Fractured's DIL is going to be feeling very reasonable when she finds out that her husband and a close friend betrayed her, her husband may have another child, and even her FIL knew about it. The poor woman's life is about to explode into smithereens. I doubt reasonable is going to be even remotely a consideration, and unfortunately, Fractured is going to be well and truly coated when it all hits the fan.

And once you choose to keep a secret like this, you're lying by omission, which makes you a co-conspirator. I agree, this shouldn't be Fractured's news to tell, but by enabling his son to continue to deceive his wife, it does make him a party to the deception. SOMEBODY needs to tell this poor woman. If nothing else, she deserves to go to her Dr and get tests run, to ensure that a possible 2nd child is the only thing her dh has brought home to her.

Edited by ImpishMom

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9 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

Agreed. But what happens when his DIL asks him if he knew? B/c I wouldn't bet against that. And given how considerate Fractured's ds has been so far, I sincerely doubt he's going to keep his father's involvement a secret. Points taken.

Here's the problem, as I see it. Fractured knows. His DIL is tending to Fractured's parents. 

DIL finds out that Fractured knew, and said nothing, she's not only going to feel betrayed, she's going to feel used, and wonder if Fractured said nothing so that she'd continue to take care of his parents.

I'm not saying that's a reasonable thing, but I sincerely doubt that Fractured's DIL is going to be feeling very reasonable when she finds out that her husband and a close friend betrayed her, her husband may have another child, and even her FIL knew about it. The poor woman's life is about to explode into smithereens. I doubt reasonable is going to be even remotely a consideration, and unfortunately, Fractured is going to be well and truly coated when it all hits the fan.

And once you choose to keep a secret like this, you're lying by omission, which makes you a co-conspirator. I agree, this shouldn't be Fractured's news to tell, but by enabling his son to continue to deceive his wife, it does make him a party to the deception. SOMEBODY needs to tell this poor woman. If nothing else, she deserves to go to her Dr and get tests run, to ensure that a possible 2nd child is the only thing her dh has brought home to her.

... And yet, if Fractured tells her, it could cause a rift between him and DS... sigh... rock & hard place...

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6 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:
9 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

Agreed. But what happens when his DIL asks him if he knew? B/c I wouldn't bet against that. And given how considerate Fractured's ds has been so far, I sincerely doubt he's going to keep his father's involvement a secret. Points taken.

Here's the problem, as I see it. Fractured knows. His DIL is tending to Fractured's parents. 

DIL finds out that Fractured knew, and said nothing, she's not only going to feel betrayed, she's going to feel used, and wonder if Fractured said nothing so that she'd continue to take care of his parents.

I'm not saying that's a reasonable thing, but I sincerely doubt that Fractured's DIL is going to be feeling very reasonable when she finds out that her husband and a close friend betrayed her, her husband may have another child, and even her FIL knew about it. The poor woman's life is about to explode into smithereens. I doubt reasonable is going to be even remotely a consideration, and unfortunately, Fractured is going to be well and truly coated when it all hits the fan.

And once you choose to keep a secret like this, you're lying by omission, which makes you a co-conspirator. I agree, this shouldn't be Fractured's news to tell, but by enabling his son to continue to deceive his wife, it does make him a party to the deception. SOMEBODY needs to tell this poor woman. If nothing else, she deserves to go to her Dr and get tests run, to ensure that a possible 2nd child is the only thing her dh has brought home to her.

... And yet, if Fractured tells her, it could cause a rift between him and DS... sigh... rock & hard place...

I totally agree. His son has betrayed his wife, and caused his father to be in a terrible position.

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