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RoseRed135

Stressed Out? Overwhelmed? Making Sacrifices? Unload It All Here!... possible triggers...

35 posts in this topic

Often members here express feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, stressed out and, in some cases, a little "cheated" out of what their life was supposed to be like, at this point. If you're a GP/relative caregiver of any kind and you ever have experienced any of those emotions, please feel free to unload them below. Same if you're a parent who's having a hard time/had ever gone through a hard time, raising kids, etc.

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135
to add trigger notice to title
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Last fall, as DH was really beginning to obviously fail, I won tickets to a concert at a club....He wanted to go, DD & SIL were going with us....when I got home from work I knew there was no way he would be able to go. So I let DD know and got on with our evening. He asked why I wasn't getting ready....."Not going, I need to be here" He got all huffy, felt bad he was keeping me from something really I really wanted to do, yadda yadda yadda....

 

Well, I told him this wasn't the first time I'd seen this artist, certainly wouldn't be the last, I just wasn't seeing him tonight....he wasn't keeping me from doing anything and home with him is where I wanted to be. That went on until the end.....he felt guilty. I don't think I missed a thing over the years that was life alteringly important.

 

Set your priorities and get on with it.

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I have been making sacrIfices my whole life. My DM was sick most of my childhood and I took her in when my Dad died, then I had DD who was born with several health problems. I took care of DH until he passed away. I really would' t have it any other way I stopped feeling sorry for myself a long time ago. It goes better if you don't dwell on what you can't have or do.

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Both of you ladies have amazing attitudes, IMO! Still, I'm sorry for the things you've been though. But it all seems to have made you stronger, if anything.

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Thinking about this some more... I trust you realize that not everybody can manage their emotions that well. Some people really do feel overwhelmed and resentful, etc. though, granted, some more often than others.

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I do realize we all handle things differently, I have friends with handicapped children who couldn't keep them at home I don't think badly of them, we all have problems and handle them differently.

For me it has been letting things go and not dwelling on all I haven't gotten to do. I couldn't stand having DD live somewhere else.

I love taking care of my loved ones and doing for them, without expecting anything back.

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The following article says that GPs raising GC experience higher levels of anxiety, anger, etc: http://www.ncbi.nlm....les/PMC2083282/

 

The article suggests that this is b/c, among other reasons, the GPs are raising these kids at an "off time" in their lives, are often upset w/ the parents, have had retirement plans, etc. "disrupted" and get little social support. Does this match w/ your experience or observations?

 

ETA:  Also, this article tells us that the children in such situations show higher rates of emotional/psychological/behavior problems. In response to that concern, I've opened the thread, "Custodial Issues # 7: Do Kids Raised by GPs or Other Relatives Have More Problems?": http://community.grandparents.com/index.php/topic/12819-custodial-issues-7-do-kids-raised-by-gps-or-other-relatives-have-more-problems/#entry225672

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GP.com has posted a feature called,  "8 Ways to Cope When You're Overwhelmed": http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/inspiring-stories-and-wisdoms/babysitting-grandchildren?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=nl771&utm_content=templateb

 

Do any of the coping strategies presented strike a chord w/ you? And do you have any of your own to share?

 

Please feel free to answer one or both of these questions instead of or in addition to this thread's original one...

Edited by RoseRed135

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Yes, I do feel cheated sometimes. This is my shameful pity party rant. I could not wait to have the kids grown & on their own. I married young and at 18 was a mother of two. My last, (#4) was born when I was 29. I foolishly thought that when my kids were grown I could have some adventures. HAHAHA  My fairy godmother didn't tell me I only had one year to live my dreams before  I heard  " You're going to be a grandma..... again". My response was more " Oh, s***", than " oh, wonderful". I will never get to see the Northern Lights or take a Norwegian Cruise. Maybe in my next life I will get to. If I had known I only had 1 year of freedom, I would have done more with it. Very soon I will be caring for my aging parents and DH too. Tomorrow, I will pick GS up at daycare, wrestle him in & out of the car seat,  he will chase my chickens, torment the dog, hide little cars in my shoes, cry when I wash his hair, and imitate my dance moves. I will be frustrated, tired, hoping his mother comes soon to collect him, and have many great laughs for the day. This is my life path. Not what I wanted or expected but far more rewarding than the Northern Lights. Life is Good.

 

Mame & Critter, Your posts give me great perspective on life. God bless you both.

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On 5/17/2015 at 4:46 PM, Mrs.Ol said:

Yes, I do feel cheated sometimes. This is my shameful pity party rant. I could not wait to have the kids grown & on their own. I married young and at 18 was a mother of two. My last, (#4) was born when I was 29. I foolishly thought that when my kids were grown I could have some adventures. HAHAHA  My fairy godmother didn't tell me I only had one year to live my dreams before  I heard  " You're going to be a grandma..... again". My response was more " Oh, s***", than " oh, wonderful". I will never get to see the Northern Lights or take a Norwegian Cruise. Maybe in my next life I will get to. If I had known I only had 1 year of freedom, I would have done more with it. Very soon I will be caring for my aging parents and DH too. Tomorrow, I will pick GS up at daycare, wrestle him in & out of the car seat,  he will chase my chickens, torment the dog, hide little cars in my shoes, cry when I wash his hair, and imitate my dance moves. I will be frustrated, tired, hoping his mother comes soon to collect him, and have many great laughs for the day. This is my life path. Not what I wanted or expected but far more rewarding than the Northern Lights. Life is Good.

 

Mame & Critter, Your posts give me great perspective on life. God bless you both.

 

Rant awayl! This is the place to do it!

 

It's good to see that, underneath it all, you find some joy in caring for GS. But who knows? Maybe someday, when GS is older, you'll be able to see those Northern Lights w/ him or take him w/ you and DH on that Norwegian Cruise if his mom says it's ok! Or perhaps you'll all go. Maybe not, but it's a thought...

Edited by RoseRed135

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i am not stressed out or will i ever give up on my grands..But in this todays world they want you to be,,,Great kids very artist, family that left these boys will one day loook back on what they missed out on...#1 so awesome....#2 want to be a cheif...these are (my grand) boys that meet all of the **** family tonight young and my age.drove to my home from North carolina....Black lives do matter but i just love people....

Edited by Mame925
Children's/family names removed for privacy

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Welcome mrse....happy you feel comfortable posting with us. I did edit your post to get the kids' names and your family name in the interest of your privacy.

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On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2015 at 4:46 PM, LimberlostGirl said:

Yes, I do feel cheated sometimes. This is my shameful pity party rant. I could not wait to have the kids grown & on their own. I married young and at 18 was a mother of two. My last, (#4) was born when I was 29. I foolishly thought that when my kids were grown I could have some adventures. HAHAHA  My fairy godmother didn't tell me I only had one year to live my dreams before  I heard  " You're going to be a grandma..... again". My response was more " Oh, s***", than " oh, wonderful". I will never get to see the Northern Lights or take a Norwegian Cruise. Maybe in my next life I will get to. If I had known I only had 1 year of freedom, I would have done more with it. Very soon I will be caring for my aging parents and DH too. Tomorrow, I will pick GS up at daycare, wrestle him in & out of the car seat,  he will chase my chickens, torment the dog, hide little cars in my shoes, cry when I wash his hair, and imitate my dance moves. I will be frustrated, tired, hoping his mother comes soon to collect him, and have many great laughs for the day. This is my life path. Not what I wanted or expected but far more rewarding than the Northern Lights. Life is Good.

 

Mame & Critter, Your posts give me great perspective on life. God bless you both.

Just keep the faith because our grands truely know who are there for them..Some days are good some are not.Because my parents and neighbors must take a stand as a community.

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3 hours ago, mrse said:

Some days are good some are not.Because my parents and neighbors must take a stand as a community.

A stand for.... ??

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Since the topics of stress and fatigue, etc. among GP caregivers has come up a couple of times again, lately, I've decided to bring this thread back to the front...

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Hello,have had custody of my now 3 year old grandson for a year now. He has multiple learning/behavior problems,that are overwhelming (mother did drugs during pregnancy) Just do not know how to correct his unruly behavior. He does not listen at all,even though I have tried many discipline techniques. I love him so much,but desperately need help! I am coming undone, with no support from anyone......seems all my friends & family have deserted me for some reason. Just a lonely place to be. My husband helps a little,but the little one wants only me. He still is not potty trained-refuses to try,no matter what I try. He will be starting a preschool program shortly & will have a special education teacher,so hopefully she will be able to help some.    Well there I vented...LOL   The Lord gave me this verse...:Do not grow weary in well doing for you shall reap if you faint not". I try to hang on that verse,but there are days I "faint". 62 years old,feeling like... well,much more! 8P

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1 minute ago, Lorikat said:

Hello,have had custody of my now 3 year old grandson for a year now. He has multiple learning/behavior problems,that are overwhelming (mother did drugs during pregnancy) Just do not know how to correct his unruly behavior. He does not listen at all,even though I have tried many discipline techniques. I love him so much,but desperately need help! I am coming undone, with no support from anyone......seems all my friends & family have deserted me for some reason. Just a lonely place to be. My husband helps a little,but the little one wants only me. He still is not potty trained-refuses to try,no matter what I try. He will be starting a preschool program shortly & will have a special education teacher,so hopefully she will be able to help some.    Well there I vented...LOL   The Lord gave me this verse...:Do not grow weary in well doing for you shall reap if you faint not". I try to hang on that verse,but there are days I "faint". 62 years old,feeling like... well,much more! 8P

"Do not grow weary in well doing for you shall reap if you faint not".

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14 hours ago, Lorikat said:

Hello,have had custody of my now 3 year old grandson for a year now. He has multiple learning/behavior problems,that are overwhelming (mother did drugs during pregnancy) Just do not know how to correct his unruly behavior. He does not listen at all,even though I have tried many discipline techniques. I love him so much,but desperately need help! I am coming undone, with no support from anyone......seems all my friends & family have deserted me for some reason. Just a lonely place to be. My husband helps a little,but the little one wants only me. He still is not potty trained-refuses to try,no matter what I try. He will be starting a preschool program shortly & will have a special education teacher,so hopefully she will be able to help some.    Well there I vented...LOL   The Lord gave me this verse...:Do not grow weary in well doing for you shall reap if you faint not". I try to hang on that verse,but there are days I "faint". 62 years old,feeling like... well,much more! 8P

Welcome, Lorikat!  Sorry about your difficult situation, but glad you felt comfortable enough to come in and vent to us!

 Bless you and DH (dear husband) for taking in your little GS! I'm so deeply sorry that so many friends & family "have deserted" you. Unfortunately, that might be b/c you now have a child to raise again and they don't want to be around that situation at this point in their lives. Especially... sigh... if GS's behavior is an issue. Trust me, that's not an uncommon experience for GRGs (grandparents raising grandchildren)..

But rest assured, you will not be deserted here. (((Hugs!)))

I take it that some of his problems are due to his mom's drug abuse during pregnancy? Please do not beat yourself up over this. It was almost bound to be a difficult situation, and, I'm sure, you're doing the best you can. Trust me again, it's not unusual for GRGs, to face these struggles. Nor is it unheard-of for them to "'faint'" sometimes. If it's any comfort, you are definitely not alone in this.

Kudos to DH for being ready and willing to pitch in! I'm sorry GS won't spend more time w/ him. I know you were just venting, but here's a thought if you don't mind - Have you tried leaving GS w/ DH at small but increasing intervals? Even if you start w/ 5 minutes and then increase it to 10 the next time, etc., perhaps he would eventually get used to being w/ DH a little longer? Especially, perhaps, if, at first, DH made it fun? (But chances are, you and DH have already thought of/tried something like this.)

Also wondering... Is GS in any kind of counseling/therapy? If so, his counselor/therapist might be able to help you find ways to control his behavior. If he isn't, IMO, it would be a good idea.

There's very likely a "light at the end of the tunnel" where the potty training is concerned. Many preschools, to my knowledge, help train even those kids w/o behavior problems. Since GS is going to have a special ed teacher, I imagine she will, in fact, help - maybe a lot. And, of course, his being in preschool will give you a much-needed break/time to "refuel."

Meanwhile, glad you have your faith to help carry you through this.

My thoughts and prayers are w/ you and little GS.

Edited by RoseRed135
clarity

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Lorikat,

I understand how you must feel stressed and overwhelmed. Caring for a 3yr.old is lots of work, and one with special needs can be trying.

I think you are on the right path in getting GS into preschool, where they already understand he has special needs. Don't be afraid to ask for a full evaluation and work -up for your GS. Its your right under the law. This just means they gather all the information they can about GS to be able to help him. They will ask for reports from his dr. history of the mother, and may give him some simple tests to determine his level of understanding They will watch and report on his behavior in the classroom. All this is good!

If you can document specific behaviors at home, this will be helpful, what GS did, said and the outcome. Ask special education teacher for any information she may have about resources outside of the school system. You are you GS's best advocate.Keep asking questions, let the school know you need their support and are willing to carry through on their plans to help GS.( If you think they are working for you) I hope my info can help. I was in education for 30+ yrs most of those involved special education students.

My thoughts are with you and family. Know you are doing well.

 

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Hey all...from the NJ Shore!

Just saying hello, and looking for a place to chat.

Since I babysit 4 days a week (divided between my son's 2 young children and my daughter's 14 month old twin boys) I don't have the time to sit and chat with friends.

Of course I'm tired, and beat, and I get sick every month, but, I've gained more on the positive scale than the negative being with my grandkids and being a regular part of their lives. And, of course, I see my grown kids a lot too.

In my search for a little company, I came across this post in a mother's forum.."True or False:Is  MIL a ***** for not babysitting sick grandchild"  Anyway, there was a lot of whining, carrying on and parents not willing to use their paid days off.

So I wrote something about what a grandparent feels. Sometimes under appreciated; a servant and sometimes like a person who was plopped here into this world old without a former life.

Well... did I get flamed!:clapping:I had "old lady on the internet" memes thrown at me. Questions asking "Granny, are you lost?", and other assorted snide remarks.

Just ended up feeling that some young women.. especially some of those who depend on their parents to babysit... are quick to lash out, be mean, and underestimate some of the feelings their parents may have.

Just a little rant here. One girl told me to "validate myself". So.. I shirked, and ran with my tail between my legs.

Any other GP's out there feel a little underappreciated sometimes? I know our lives have changed, and we are not primetime anymore, but, it's still hard to see in this day and age. But, as we've seen in the last month, things can change drastically!

Thanks for the ears! :D Pat.. at the NJ Shore

Edited by RoseRed135
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22 hours ago, Patroushka said:

Hey all...from the NJ Shore!

Just saying hello, and looking for a place to chat.

Since I babysit 4 days a week (divided between my son's 2 young children and my daughter's 14 month old twin boys) I don't have the time to sit and chat with friends.

Of course I'm tired, and beat, and I get sick every month, but, I've gained more on the positive scale than the negative being with my grandkids and being a regular part of their lives. And, of course, I see my grown kids a lot too.

In my search for a little company, I came across this post in a mother's forum.."True or False:Is  MIL a ***** for not babysitting sick grandchild"  Anyway, there was a lot of whining, carrying on and parents not willing to use their paid days off.

So I wrote something about what a grandparent feels. Sometimes under appreciated; a servant and sometimes like a person who was plopped here into this world old without a former life.

Well... did I get flamed!:clapping:I had "old lady on the internet" memes thrown at me. Questions asking "Granny, are you lost?", and other assorted snide remarks.

Just ended up feeling that some young women.. especially some of those who depend on their parents to babysit... are quick to lash out, be mean, and underestimate some of the feelings their parents may have.

Just a little rant here. One girl told me to "validate myself". So.. I shirked, and ran with my tail between my legs.

Any other GP's out there feel a little underappreciated sometimes? I know our lives have changed, and we are not primetime anymore, but, it's still hard to see in this day and age. But, as we've seen in the last month, things can change drastically!

Thanks for the ears! :D Pat.. at the NJ Shore

Welcome Patroushka! Glad you found your way over here!

Good to see that you're willing and able to watch your GC (grandchildren) as much as you do! And it's very kind and loving of you, IMO, to divide your time between DS's (dear son's) kids and DD's (dear daughter's). 14 month old twins must be especially challenging! But I'm glad to see you find more joy in it than stress and fatigue.

But of course you get "tired, and beat." That's a common refrain in this forum. So is feeling "under appreciated" at times. I'd like to think that most young parents do appreciate help from the GPs, however, underneath it all, even if they're often too busy or distracted to show it/start to take it for granted after a while.

Sorry to hear you "get sick every month," also, though I hope not too badly. And if it's any comfort, that's not unheard-of either for GPs watching young kids.

Sometimes...like a person who was plopped here into this world old without a former life.

Love this description^^^^! And once again, believe me, there are many GP caregivers who have come here w/ this very type of complaint!

I'm so sorry about the young woman on that other site who were so rude to you! (((Hugs!))) Given what you tell us, it sounds as if they have a very "entitled" attitude. There's no rule that says that a GP "has to" babysit. Not even if a GC is sick - especially not in that case if the GP tends to be highly susceptible or suffers greatly if they catch a germ, etc. It's lovely and kind and generous, and I'm sure most GPs would do it in a heartbeat if they could. But they certainly don't "have to." 

Fortunately, not all young parents have this expectation. In fact, you'll be happy to know that it's often said on this site, by both our older and younger members, alike,  that GPs are not necessarily "built in babysitters."

Meanwhile, I'm sending you a PM (persona message). To find it, just click on the Messenger button w/ the envelope on it in the top right corner of this page. Thank you. :)

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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Hello I dont know what to do my daughter is pregnant with twin's these will be grand baby 2 and 3  I already have a 1 year old grand baby My wife and i found out tonight that she wants to give them up for adoption this broke my heart and my wife's as well I realize its hard to be a single parent  but she has a good support system with us and her other siblings and it might just be hormones I dont know but I love her and I already have fallen for the new ones even though their not here yet. I am hurting inside but i am trying to keep it together for my wife and daughter could somebody please just talk to me to help me understand .I should mention the father is not in the picture of the twins and she dosent want him in the picture thank you 

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Wow mrutah! First, welcome...you will find support, camaraderie and a whole lot of diverse opinions! 

I can't imagine your heartbreak over your DD (dear daughter) decision to place her babies for adoption. And you may be right, this could be a panicky hormone reaction...but she might mean it.

The only thing I could recommend is to be as patient and supportive of her as you can. Maybe suggest she get some outside counseling to help her think a bit more clearly. As well, try as hard as you can to try not to influence her decision. She is realizing that support system or not, these are HER children, her responsibility so needs to make the decision for what she feels will be in their best interest.

Please keep in touch. We'll leave the light on.

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@mrutah12 - I'm so sorry! What a shock it must have been for you and your DW (dear wife) to hear that DD wants to give her babies up for adoption! My heart goes out to you both! I think you're very wise though to come here and seek help in understanding her decision.

Can't add much to what Mame said, except that this can't be an easy time for DD either. My heart goes out to her also.  Despite her support system. she might just not feel ready to be a mother, especially to 2 children at once and especially if she is very young (you didn't say).

Granted, If it's early in the pregnancy (again, you didn't say), she may change her mind as time goes on. But she might not. She might also opt for an open adoption, and, if so, you and DW might get to have some contact or even spend some time w/ these 2 GC over the years. But again, maybe not. I agree w/ Mame that, as hard as it may be, you need to be supportive of whatever choices DD makes. I hope you keep reaching out to us and that we can help you through it all.

Edited by RoseRed135

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On 10/30/2016 at 10:24 PM, Lorikat said:

"Do not grow weary in well doing for you shall reap if you faint not".

Lorikat, hi!  I am new here, but I read your post and it resonated with me.  My grandson just turned 4 and he will NOT poop in the potty.  I feel like I have tried everything.  He has a speech problem and is getting speech therapy.  I just called about getting him tested for learning/social/emotional problems too.  He is a loving child and brings me great joy but is at times defiant and refuses to do what we ask.  He has attachment issues too;  I can't be out of the room for long before he comes looking for me.  Our daughter is raising his younger brother who has more serious problems.  On one hand, I can't imagine his not living with us, as we have raised him since he waS two weeks old.  On the other hand. it is hard to be kind to my son sometimes since he cares more about doing drugs than he cares about his children.  It is very tiring for someone our age (I'm 62 also) to run after a little one.

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