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KaIana

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I thought it was a terrible ad.

 

"My kids haven't come for Christmas. I know! Let's fake my death!" and put them and the grandkids through that, but surprise! I'm alive!

 

Yuck.

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I think the overall message of this ad is supposed to be something like, "How come people who are too busy or whatever to visit a parent/GP can manage to get there for a funeral?" It reminds me of the way DM would side-eye (figurative speaking) anyone who showed up at a funeral after barely bothering w/ the deceased when they were living.( I get how she felt though I'm more flexible about it - I know these situations can be more complex than meets the eye.)

 

But I have to agree w/ Imp that the idea of someone faking their death just to get their loved ones to visit them is off-putting! In fact, here on these boards, we have sometimes heard of parents/PILs/GPs who have cried  "illness" or even pretended they were dying just to get more attention or force a visit from their AC (or AC and family). So while my first thought after watching this video was "Wow," my second was "Talk about manipulation!"

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Wait... Looking at it again, it's not just about wanting his AC and family to come home for Christmas - it's also about wanting to "bring (them) all together." A lovely sentiment - but to go to those lengths to do it? Perhaps I'm looking at it too closely... IDK... but IRL, I'm not sure that scenario would end up in all smiles and cheerful toasts, the way it does in this video..... Maybe... but maybe not....

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I think the overall message of this ad is supposed to be something like, "How come people who are too busy or whatever to visit a parent/GP can manage to get there for a funeral?" It reminds me of the way DM would side-eye (figurative speaking) anyone who showed up at a funeral after barely bothering w/ the deceased when they were living.( I get how she felt though I'm more flexible about it - I know these situations can be more complex than meets the eye.)

 

But I have to agree w/ Imp that the idea of someone faking their death just to get their loved ones to visit them is off-putting! In fact, here on these boards, we have sometimes heard of parents/PILs/GPs who have cried  "illness" or even pretended they were dying just to get more attention or force a visit from their AC (or AC and family). So while my first thought after watching this video was "Wow," my second was "Talk about manipulation!"

Exactly. My MIL faked Alzheimer's.

 

Did NOT work in her favour.

 

And, let's look at it, if it were a real life situation, k?

 

Everyone's been emotionally toyed with. Parents now have to deal with kids who have emotional whiplash, on top of their own.

 

Folks return to work. "Oh, sorry...turns out he wasn't really dead." That could cause some issues w/their employer, no?

 

What happens when they hear he died...again?

 

And...how about Dad travelling to see his kids, rather than sitting home alone?

 

Also, as to the, 'how can they show for a funeral?', well, many employers give paid time off. And some airlines give discounted rates.

 

ETA: I also know that many folks, myself included, would not go into debt for a vacation. Once we save up enough, then we go, but we don't go planning to put stuff on credit cards. A funeral? Yeah, if a cc is what's needed, then so be it. No way would I tell Wolf he couldn't go to his mother's funeral b/c we didn't have actual cash for it.

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I think the overall message of this ad is supposed to be something like, "How come people who are too busy or whatever to visit a parent/GP can manage to get there for a funeral?" It reminds me of the way DM would side-eye (figurative speaking) anyone who showed up at a funeral after barely bothering w/ the deceased when they were living.( I get how she felt though I'm more flexible about it - I know these situations can be more complex than meets the eye.)

 

But I have to agree w/ Imp that the idea of someone faking their death just to get their loved ones to visit them is off-putting! In fact, here on these boards, we have sometimes heard of parents/PILs/GPs who have cried  "illness" or even pretended they were dying just to get more attention or force a visit from their AC (or AC and family). So while my first thought after watching this video was "Wow," my second was "Talk about manipulation!"

 

Here's a real life situation- My mother is in her 90's- Lives on the east coast- She misses her children and grandchildren- But aside from my sister, nobody visits her regularly- My sister visits her every day as a rule- Sister's son lives an hour away in the same state- My brother is about an hour away- His 1 daughter 6 hours and the other 1 hour- Me and 2 of mine are 8 hours away- My other lives on the west coast- And my sister's daughter lives in the southwest-

 

My sister called me the other night and wanted to talk about what to do when mom dies, like what to do with her body and holding a memorial but her concern is that the family is spread out all over so forth- It's not the first time she wanted to talk about it- I felt myself getting upset talking about it, having mixed emotions- But finally I was just like look nobody visits her now regularly, and yes it's upsetting, but I don't have an answer for you (sister) about what to do- Mom doesn't seem to care about what happens to her, she's like creamate me and find a nice place for my ashes- That's it- That's her last wishes I guess-

 

I mean nobody knows whos going to die and when as a rule, which is something that our mom said time and again and I took to heart- So I've not concerned myself with who is going to die and when unless someone was close to death or died suddenly- I asked my sister what she had in mind and it seemed to me from listening to her that she's concerned about .. well .. I guess the stuff she has no control over AND doing the right thing when mom dies AND in a way that won't upset any family member which is when I was like nobody visits mom now much so why concern yourself with such matters?

 

Am I making sense?

 

Yes it bothers me that nobody visits her regularly aside from my sister but I don't visit her regularly either so honestly have no right being upset about it- We all used to be close at one time-

 

Edit: I did ask my sister if she wanted me to be with her at such a time and she said yes-

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Many people have no real preference about their remains....so your mom's wishes, or lack of wishes isn't all that uncommon, especially at her age. Just make sure she puts everything in writing. While DH was so ill, we had to discuss all these things. It was hard a first, but all finally became very matter of fact.

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Many people have no real preference about their remains....so your mom's wishes, or lack of wishes isn't all that uncommon, especially at her age. Just make sure she puts everything in writing. While DH was so ill, we had to discuss all these things. It was hard a first, but all finally became very matter of fact.

Wolf and I have discussed this. i really don't have any wishes for what to do...but rather what NOT to do.

 

I do NOT want my parents being notified, or really any of my FOO. I simply do not trust them to not try to interfere w/Wolf and the kids. 

 

Other than that, I honestly don't care, and have told him to do whatever he and the kids need to do, to help them through things. I don't want a funeral, etc, but if it helps them, then fine. Whatever is a comfort to them, do it.

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Has the older parent actually been invited to his ACs home for a holiday?  Does he have the money to travel?  Are all the AC in the same area so a joint visit can be arranged?  If he travels to one AC and not the others what kind of a stink will that cause?

 

There are many other issues here that need answers other than 'faking' a death.

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Has the older parent actually been invited to his ACs home for a holiday?  Does he have the money to travel?  Are all the AC in the same area so a joint visit can be arranged?  If he travels to one AC and not the others what kind of a stink will that cause?

 

There are many other issues here that need answers other than 'faking' a death.

by the backgrounds, at least one of the ACs were in Japan, as opposed to the others.

 

Regardless, faking a death is on my, "This Crap Don't Fly" list. Unless you're being hunted by a serial killer, and the police set it up as a trap to catch Hacky Hatchet Henry.

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Another thing we don't know is whether or not relations between all the sibs are good or not. If there are tensions between two or more of them, forcing them together is likely to backfire.

 

Then there's the question, does Dad/Grampa   always cause this much drama? Maybe that's another reason his AC and families decline his invitations.

 

Again, I realize this video was probably made just to send a simple message. But, IMO, most of us, today, are too complex in our thinking to go for that. We're almost bound to think of variable the video fails to consider.

 

Or maybe I've been on these boards too long and am aware of too many possibilities. ;)

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Another thing we don't know is whether or not relations between all the sibs are good or not. If there are tensions between two or more of them, forcing them together is likely to backfire.

 

Then there's the question, does Dad/Grampa   always cause this much drama? Maybe that's another reason his AC and families decline his invitations.

 

Again, I realize this video was probably made just to send a simple message. But, IMO, most of us, today, are too complex in our thinking to go for that. We're almost bound to think of variable the video fails to consider.

 

Or maybe I've been on these boards too long and am aware of too many possibilities. ;)

The level of deceit required for the commercial story board...yeah, no.

 

Makes me wonder if there won't be a few ppl on the planet that think that this is a nifty idea. 

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Makes me wonder if there won't be a few ppl on the planet that think that this is a nifty idea. 

 

Scary thought...

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Scary thought...

So's someone faking Alz, and I've lived that, sooooo....

 

And disappearing to the point there was a missing person's report filed...

 

Yeeeaaaaaah.

 

Anyone attempts to pull a Lazarus, things are gonna get uuuugggllllyyyyy...

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The good part of a video like this though, IMO, is that it sparks discussion of a number of issues- the problem of distance, traveling for holidays, gatekeeping, loneliness, manipulation, etc. In fact, right now, I'm wondering about this...

 

 Imp said:  Anyone attempts to pull a Lazarus, things are gonna get uuuugggllllyyyyy...

 

Neither DM or my PILs ever lived far from us, so managing to see them wasn't a problem. And as most of you know, DH and I live close to YDD and her kids and not that far from ODD and SIL. But if anyone who lived at a great distance from us and/or who we didn't see very often ever pulled a stunt like this to get us to come visit/get the family all together, I'm not sure how I'd react. Ok, I know I'd be shocked at first, and maybe even angry. But I mean I'm not sure how I'd look at it as time went on. Would I be less likely to ever come back? More likely to try to try to see/contact the person more often?... IDK...

 

Age and relationship might be a factor. It might be easier for me to forgive this in an elderly relative like the GF in the video than a younger one, esp if I thought the elderly person were very lonely and isolated. And I might be more forgiving, too, if they were a parent/GP, again like the guy in the video than if they were, say, a distant cousin.

 

I think it also would depend on the overall nature of the relationship. Say the person involved was a parent/PIL/GP as in the video. If our relationship was basically good, I'd wonder why they felt they had to go to such an extreme. If I thought it was a matter of loneliness/missing family, I might make more effort to keep in touch, visit, now and then and invite them to my home (if they could travel). Still, I think I would let them know why the trick was out of line. And I think I would have to make it clear that I couldn't take responsibility for seeing to it that all the sibs and their kids stayed in touch w/ them or got together w/ them at the same time.

 

OTOH, if the relationship were shaky to begin w/. no doubt, this would make it worse. Especially if one of the reasons DH and I stayed away from GP was b/c they tended to cause drama. IDK if I would have the courage to do it, but I can see where I would be tempted to turn around and leave. I imagine DH would feel the same way. It certainly wouldn't move us to increase contact. And in fact, it would probably lead to much lowered contact, maybe even a full CO.

 

Thoughts?

 

ETA: Good relationship or bad, I would have to think twice before I believed any further reports of GP's death. "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" and all that...

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Honestly, for *me*...someone faking their death? It would hurt my kids. My kids would be impacted, thinking they were dead.

 

Someone who cares more about getting what they want, than hurting children?

 

Nope. Nope. Nope.

 

There is just nothing that makes that ok in my books.

 

It's a level of deception that I could not, would not, tolerate in my life, or willingly allow in my children's lives.

 

I think that, if my MIL were to do this? There would be a strong tempation to not tell the kids, "Grandma's a lying liar who lies and faked her death for attention!" and just letting them continue to think she'd died. Not that we WOULD, b/c I'm not joining the Pants On Fire Brigade, but I could see being tempted.

 

We already know that, when my MIL passes, it will only be Wolf going, so faking her death wouldn't get her any farther ahead than faking Alz.

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I understand the sentiment of the video - try to make time for the loved ones in your life before it is too late.  But, I doubt the ending - with everyone laughing around the table - would be the ending in real life.  Also, if someone is this manipulative to fake a death, that tells me all I need to know Re: why he is alone on Christmas. 

 

One final word:  I spent one Thanksgiving alone by choice, and it was one of the nicest Thanksgivings I had.   Society really puts a lot of pressure on people to gather on this day and on Christmas when spending the day in solitude can also be a very meaningful experience. 

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The makers of the ad probably think everyone is smart enough to know this isn't going to fly in real life. The point isn't bad - make time for what's important. But this is a bit like distinguishing fiction from reality. We know what is real and what isn't.

 

If someone tried this to me IRL, I wouldn't be at all happy. My financials would be seriously messed up over this kind of thing. I would look at getting the person who pulled it help. They must be in real distress to think this is ok. If it's pure manipulation, I would be very unhappy.

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Regarding faking a death and other antics, I think the reaction to such would depend on how the family was raised and how well they know one another -- and think the reaction would vary from country to country-

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For me, if that actually happened, instant CO. Like, coat still on, turn on heel and leave, CO.

Done. Might get an explanatory "You and I have nothing more to say to one another." Done.

I deeply dislike being manipulated and that's a pretty big whopper demonstrating complete disregard for any other human being. Die lonely then, bc your behavior suggests you want an audience or followers, not company, so I am out.

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Not quite the same situation, but...

For one of my mother's milestone birthdays (think 70) her long-time boyfriend/male friend invited all of her children. Didn't work out so well, because my brother CO our sister years ago, and my sister gets VERY upset around him. Mother's friend didn't tell her our brother was going to be there. Luckily sister's DH and children were there as well, but it wasn't pretty.

I think my sister went to a few therapy sessions after that. Not sure if she has any kind of relationship with my mother's friend anymore, either.

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Being on the receiving end of being told my DS had died (when he really didn't) I say NO NO NO.  This type of manipulation is never right.  It isn't sweet.  It leads to PTSD.  

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What suprises me most about this video are the majority of the people with positive comments.  "Brilliant", "Moved to tears", "Sobbing for this man".  What the heck? 

Mr martyr man went about as low as a person can get with his fake death scheme, and he is being celebrated.   Have these people never been caught up in the web of a manipulator to know how toxic it is?   Maybe they are the lucky ones to never have a person like this to deal with in their lives.

 

Also, it would be nice to see media not lay it on so thick around the holidays with regard to this notion that if you are not together with family, sitting around your perfect table immensely enjoying everyone's company in your perfect home, there is something wrong with you.   It's a fantasy standard that isn't a reality for many people who work, have scattered families, are estranged, can barely tolerate some people in their family, are introverted, suffer from social anxiety, don't like to travel during the winter months, can't afford it, don't feel good, don't celebrate these days or just see these days as another day in the year and don't buy into it.

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Revisiting this... It seems that one of the sons is a doctor. Am I wrong? Having to suddenly pick up and run to his dad's, if this were real, could have meant rescheduling a lot of appts or asking his partners (if any) to reschedule their time so those appts could be kept. It might also mean rescheduling serious operations, etc. All just to have an unplanned dinner w/ his dad and siblings and their families?

 

Granted, family is important. And I, for one, value holiday time spent w/ extended family. But would it be worth disrupting so many other lives in significant ways? Even at best, this little scheme, IMO, was not thought through very well.

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Revisiting this... It seems that one of the sons is a doctor. Am I wrong? Having to suddenly pick up and run to his dad's, if this were real, could have meant rescheduling a lot of appts or asking his partners (if any) to reschedule their time so those appts could be kept. It might also mean rescheduling serious operations, etc. All just to have an unplanned dinner w/ his dad and siblings and their families?

 

Granted, family is important. And I, for one, value holiday time spent w/ extended family. But would it be worth disrupting so many other lives in significant ways? Even at best, this little scheme, IMO, was not thought through very well.

Yes, it shows the one son at a hospital, in scrubs, so a dr or surgeon.

 

There's just no way to justify the level of deceit and manipulation, imo.

 

 

What suprises me most about this video are the majority of the people with positive comments.  "Brilliant", "Moved to tears", "Sobbing for this man".  What the heck? 

Mr martyr man went about as low as a person can get with his fake death scheme, and he is being celebrated.   Have these people never been caught up in the web of a manipulator to know how toxic it is?   Maybe they are the lucky ones to never have a person like this to deal with in their lives.

 

Also, it would be nice to see media not lay it on so thick around the holidays with regard to this notion that if you are not together with family, sitting around your perfect table immensely enjoying everyone's company in your perfect home, there is something wrong with you.   It's a fantasy standard that isn't a reality for many people who work, have scattered families, are estranged, can barely tolerate some people in their family, are introverted, suffer from social anxiety, don't like to travel during the winter months, can't afford it, don't feel good, don't celebrate these days or just see these days as another day in the year and don't buy into it.

 

RIGHT?! 

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