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RoseRed135

How do you set boundaries when the AC come home to live?

44 posts in this topic

What do you think is the best way for parents and their AC/CIL to set boundaries if/when they move in together? And how easy - or hard - is it to make those boundaries stick?

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Oh boy Rose.  Can of worm opened and worms squirming all over the place.....

 

Honestly with both dds and their children living here now for over a year it's been very difficult to make boundaries stick.  For that matter just to get everyone to stick to what they agreed they'd do when they moved back in.  My house is so out of order I've pretty much given up trying to get it in order.  There's no way with 4 adults, 3 kids, and 3 dogs to keep it clean/straight at all times, I get that.  There's not a lot of storage space so we're doing the best we can using storage containers/baskets etc. to keep things semi organized.  However what I mean by cleaning/keeping straight is not what one dd thinks it is.  Cleaning doesn't mean shoving/toys/clothes/etc any where they may fit.  everthing needs to have a place otherwise how in the heck do you find anything.  Sometimes I can't even find a bowl because this dd has them all stacked in her room and is too busy (another word really applies) to bring them down and put them in the dishwasher.  When she finally does, the dried on food doesn't get washed off first before putting in dishwasher so it ends up baked on!!!  As for finding clean clothes...well the two dressers for 2 of the kids are empty.  Where are all the clothes  you ask??!!??  Well they'd be in piles of unfolded clothes in the corner of this dd's room.  Seriously.  I've even offered to do all the kid's laundry and fold it so all she has to do is put it away.  I like to do laundry and can do it while doing my crafts...but no we'd rather have it in piles so no one can find anything to wear....Other dd is much better with her stuff and her child's stuff but then she's always 'loosing' stuff  like keys/phone/bills.  I even put up a bin for everyone's mail/school papers/etc so they can find all that kind of stuff....still not working.

 

We've tried the list of chore thing.  That lasts about a week.  As for paying for things, well one pays one bill, the other another.  No room or board because we had agreed that they'd save the money, pay off bills, etc. so they can move.  WELL it's been over 15 months.  I don't see anyone making any progress and frankly with no support coming in from the father's (and neither dd persuing that) I don't know how either would afford a place unless they get their bills paid down (which without any support being received isn't happening).

 

DH and I aren't doing well with the arrangement but not sure how to fix it other than kicking everyone out.  Then I can't do that.  I'm sure that they are plenty of parents and adult children who can make this work.  Maybe it would be different if it was just one of our children but with it being both it's kind of like going back in time except that I had 5 children instead of the 2 I could handle. 

 

I know we need to address all these issues to get things fixed but honestly I don't have the stamina/energy for the drama any discussion we have involves. 

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What do you think is the best way for parents and their AC/CIL to set boundaries if/when they move in together? And how easy - or hard - is it to make those boundaries stick?

Our ODD moved in without any notice. We brought her home and have kept her and the kids with us for a couple of years. We three talked about what we thought it would take to make it work.

 

She had no job, insurance or money and needed to cared for, the kids needed to live as normal a life as possible, and soon she found out she was pregnant. DH and DB take care of ODD's insurance.

We made a list of things that needed to be done to live like we all preferred.

 

If we're in town DH and I cook and clean up most every meal, I grocery shop and buy whatever I notice is needed, DH helps with homework and sports/Church and father stuff for the big boys.

 

ODD does all the laundry and keeps all their bedrooms, bathrooms, and playroom clean and picked up. ODD also helps keep the rest of the housework manageable.

DH loves to rock, cuddle, soothe babies. He's happy we all allow him ;) to be toddlers pacifier.

ODD teaches part time at the kids school (now), takes all three with her in the morning. She finishes work at noon, the kids are done at 3:00, she has some free time for counseling and what she needs to get done.

We travel quite a bit for work and pleasure, ODD is our house and yard sitter. We love having them with us, it's a pleasure, though we know it's not ideal.

 

My toughest boundary was privacy, we had a long talk, solved that problem with a phone.

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Oh boy Rose.  Can of worm opened and worms squirming all over the place.....

 

Honestly with both dds and their children living here now for over a year it's been very difficult to make boundaries stick.  For that matter just to get everyone to stick to what they agreed they'd do when they moved back in.  My house is so out of order I've pretty much given up trying to get it in order.  There's no way with 4 adults, 3 kids, and 3 dogs to keep it clean/straight at all times, I get that.  There's not a lot of storage space so we're doing the best we can using storage containers/baskets etc. to keep things semi organized.  However what I mean by cleaning/keeping straight is not what one dd thinks it is.  Cleaning doesn't mean shoving/toys/clothes/etc any where they may fit.  everthing needs to have a place otherwise how in the heck do you find anything.  Sometimes I can't even find a bowl because this dd has them all stacked in her room and is too busy (another word really applies) to bring them down and put them in the dishwasher.  When she finally does, the dried on food doesn't get washed off first before putting in dishwasher so it ends up baked on!!!  As for finding clean clothes...well the two dressers for 2 of the kids are empty.  Where are all the clothes  you ask??!!??  Well they'd be in piles of unfolded clothes in the corner of this dd's room.  Seriously.  I've even offered to do all the kid's laundry and fold it so all she has to do is put it away.  I like to do laundry and can do it while doing my crafts...but no we'd rather have it in piles so no one can find anything to wear....Other dd is much better with her stuff and her child's stuff but then she's always 'loosing' stuff  like keys/phone/bills.  I even put up a bin for everyone's mail/school papers/etc so they can find all that kind of stuff....still not working.

 

We've tried the list of chore thing.  That lasts about a week.  As for paying for things, well one pays one bill, the other another.  No room or board because we had agreed that they'd save the money, pay off bills, etc. so they can move.  WELL it's been over 15 months.  I don't see anyone making any progress and frankly with no support coming in from the father's (and neither dd persuing that) I don't know how either would afford a place unless they get their bills paid down (which without any support being received isn't happening).

 

DH and I aren't doing well with the arrangement but not sure how to fix it other than kicking everyone out.  Then I can't do that.  I'm sure that they are plenty of parents and adult children who can make this work.  Maybe it would be different if it was just one of our children but with it being both it's kind of like going back in time except that I had 5 children instead of the 2 I could handle. 

 

I know we need to address all these issues to get things fixed but honestly I don't have the stamina/energy for the drama any discussion we have involves. 

Yikes Mdgrandma,

 

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you and DH. IMO the only way to fix this is to give them notice to move out and stick with it. That is the only discussion you should have with them.

 

My DH and I love our children and GC but would not invite them to live with us for a multitude of reasons. Given a financial hardship we would help as best we could but would not go into debt for them. They are grown and unless there is a life threatening health issue they are on their own. 

 

Best of luck!

 

Chrissy

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I agree Chrissy.....my DSD did move in with her mom after her divorce, but its more like a room mate situation, she pays 1/2 the bills & does the majority of the chores/cooking as she has two kids. She didn't live with her mom growing up, so she doesn't have that "daughter of the house" mentality so many come back with.

 

I did tell all my kids that if they put me in the position of having to take care of the their kids they'd better be dead.....otherwise, I'll help them devise a plan to move forward independently. If you need to move in with me your house better have burned to the ground...and we'll be developing an expeditious exit plan. Put so bluntly, it sounds mean....it isn't.

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Mame and Chrissy....I do agree with you both but it's easier said than done.  There was actually some progress this past weekend that made me slightly 'hopeful'.  YDD wants to buy a place and wanted to know what's the first step.  I suggested calling the bank and talking to a mortgage specialist to see what she what she'd qualify for (or if).  It's a step.  A baby one but a step.

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You might need to call them out on their "daughter of the house" mentality. They have their own children so really need to step up. Tell them their "stuff" has overtaken your home and needs to be reined in....maybe tell them that they've had a year to get their **** together so its time to start getting ready to move forward. They need to pursue child support. It simply isn't fair of them to assume you should be picking up that slack.

 

Admit your part in the problem....you have made it too easy for them....but no more. Get out the calendar and start setting goals.

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This particular topic is probably the most difficult a grandparent must face, and MdGrandma, your description of your situation is parallel to mine.  A single mother all my life here, so have a wee bit of experience is what it's like to raise children (3) with limited resources on several fronts, and the on-point red-alert intensity of managing to get them to survive to adulthood and have a semblance of a "normal" life.  In retrospect, the parts of it that were the most difficult was not the kids -- it was trying to deal with DH,  (well......xH, that is...the endless struggle for child support, 

 

well, DGD  (4-yo) just came home so....

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5 hours ago, jvt said:

This particular topic is probably the most difficult a grandparent must face, and MdGrandma, your description of your situation is parallel to mine.  A single mother all my life here, so have a wee bit of experience is what it's like to raise children (3) with limited resources on several fronts, and the on-point red-alert intensity of managing to get them to survive to adulthood and have a semblance of a "normal" life.  In retrospect, the parts of it that were the most difficult was not the kids -- it was trying to deal with DH,  (well......xH, that is...the endless struggle for child support, 

 

well, DGD  (4-yo) just came home so....

Welcome jvt! So glad you decided to join this site and come in and talk w/ us!

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles as a single mom. But bravo to you for making it through it all!

I see you now have a little DGD living w/ you. And since you say that MDG's situation is "parallel to" yours, I take it that one or both of her parents are living there, too.And that this scenario has its difficulties similar to the ones MDG describes. Still, kudos to you for being there for them! And I hope some steps are being made, however small, towards working things out.

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My daughter has been living with me for 9 years starting with one granddaughter, now three and three failed relationships. She has worked here and there but right now she says day care is too expensive for her to work.  There is no day care assistance available in my area.  I do not have a husband.  I lost my job last week and am currently seeking employment. I am very close with her 2 older dayghers aa they have always loved with me.  I feel like she uses them to get her way.  I don’t Know what to do but this situation has turned my other AC against me.  They want me to throw her out but I can’t throw my grandkids out into the street.  I am sad to say it appears their mother only cares about herself and has an excuse for everything under the sun including why she can’t work.  My family is now completely destroyed.  I couldnt start a new post because I am new

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Incognito, I am sorry you are finding yourself unemployed at this time.  Good luck with finding another job soon.

How old are your grandchildren?  Are any of them in school full time?  My two were in the first and second grades when I started to work at the school full time.  Hubby would take them to school on his was to work and I'd bring them home with me at the end of the day.  Maybe your daughter could find something like this if they are all in school.

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Working for the school district is a great idea. Many of the jobs are a school calendar, others are a year-round calendar. I started as a clerical sub...often where you need to start, but i wasn't long I had a permanent job. 

Since your DD isn't working outside the home, is she working to help maintain the home? Taking care of her children? Doing her own laundry? Cooking? Or has she returned to the old role of "daughter of the house"and expecting you to meet those needs? Examine everyone's current role in the family. Insist changes be made. 

Good luck with the job hunt...keep us posted...

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Welcome New Member! My heart goes out to you! It must feel as if everything is going against you right now, except, of course, for the good relationship w/ your grands. (((Hugs!))) 

Fortunately, I think Sue and Mame have given you good advice and asked some important questions. I hope it helps.

I totally understand your not wanting to "throw (your) grandchildren into the street." If it lightens your load at all, IMO, it's not your other AC's business whether this one DD and her kids continue to live w/ you or not. They don't have a vote in whether or not you "throw her out" and you don't need to answer to them. Please do what your heart tells you is right.

Meanwhile, good luck w/ the job search! And yes, keep us posted!

 

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P.S. Usually, we ask members not to post in threads that are more than 3 months old, unless they're the OP (original poster) or it's a "stickypost"/ thread pinned (thumb tack icon) to the front of the forum. However, I understand why you chose to post in this old thread, given its topic and the fact that you can't open one of your own. It's my own thread, anyhow, and, under the circumstances, I'm cool w/ leaving it open.

However, please realize that while you (general) can't start a topic under your regular username, as yet, you can start one as Incognito (just be sure to hit the "anonymous" button every time you want to post as Incog). Then again, Incog posts won't add to the 10 posts you need to become a full-fledged member/be able to open a thread under your username.

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On 05/01/2016 at 4:20 AM, Mdgrandma said:

Oh boy Rose.  Can of worm opened and worms squirming all over the place.....

 

Honestly with both dds and their children living here now for over a year it's been very difficult to make boundaries stick.  For that matter just to get everyone to stick to what they agreed they'd do when they moved back in.  My house is so out of order I've pretty much given up trying to get it in order.  There's no way with 4 adults, 3 kids, and 3 dogs to keep it clean/straight at all times, I get that.  There's not a lot of storage space so we're doing the best we can using storage containers/baskets etc. to keep things semi organized.  However what I mean by cleaning/keeping straight is not what one dd thinks it is.  Cleaning doesn't mean shoving/toys/clothes/etc any where they may fit.  everthing needs to have a place otherwise how in the heck do you find anything.  Sometimes I can't even find a bowl because this dd has them all stacked in her room and is too busy (another word really applies) to bring them down and put them in the dishwasher.  When she finally does, the dried on food doesn't get washed off first before putting in dishwasher so it ends up baked on!!!  As for finding clean clothes...well the two dressers for 2 of the kids are empty.  Where are all the clothes  you ask??!!??  Well they'd be in piles of unfolded clothes in the corner of this dd's room.  Seriously.  I've even offered to do all the kid's laundry and fold it so all she has to do is put it away.  I like to do laundry and can do it while doing my crafts...but no we'd rather have it in piles so no one can find anything to wear....Other dd is much better with her stuff and her child's stuff but then she's always 'loosing' stuff  like keys/phone/bills.  I even put up a bin for everyone's mail/school papers/etc so they can find all that kind of stuff....still not working.

 

We've tried the list of chore thing.  That lasts about a week.  As for paying for things, well one pays one bill, the other another.  No room or board because we had agreed that they'd save the money, pay off bills, etc. so they can move.  WELL it's been over 15 months.  I don't see anyone making any progress and frankly with no support coming in from the father's (and neither dd persuing that) I don't know how either would afford a place unless they get their bills paid down (which without any support being received isn't happening).

 

DH and I aren't doing well with the arrangement but not sure how to fix it other than kicking everyone out.  Then I can't do that.  I'm sure that they are plenty of parents and adult children who can make this work.  Maybe it would be different if it was just one of our children but with it being both it's kind of like going back in time except that I had 5 children instead of the 2 I could handle. 

 

I know we need to address all these issues to get things fixed but honestly I don't have the stamina/energy for the drama any discussion we have involves. 

Wow dearest MdG you surely have your hands full!  I would suggest a family meeting of the adults and tell your daughters they need to pursue child support ASAP as it is not fair that you should be, in effect, supporting other mens’ children Just because your DDs can’t be stuffed doing something about it. Furthermore I would ask them what they think would be a reasonable timeframe within which they can move out and how they plan to do it, offer any help you can, and then keep them to it.  Make it clear that you have no intention of kicking them out and that you love them but that it is time they took responsibility for their adult lives and moved on. Maybe even suggest they rent a place together so that they can share the bills? 

Good luck! I feel your pain. 

Edited by Gigima

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Oh darn I did it again! Sorry Sue. Didn’t mean to answer an ancient post. 

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10 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

My daughter has been living with me for 9 years starting with one granddaughter, now three and three failed relationships. She has worked here and there but right now she says day care is too expensive for her to work.  There is no day care assistance available in my area.  I do not have a husband.  I lost my job last week and am currently seeking employment. I am very close with her 2 older dayghers aa they have always loved with me.  I feel like she uses them to get her way.  I don’t Know what to do but this situation has turned my other AC against me.  They want me to throw her out but I can’t throw my grandkids out into the street.  I am sad to say it appears their mother only cares about herself and has an excuse for everything under the sun including why she can’t work.  My family is now completely destroyed.  I couldnt start a new post because I am new

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Sending hugs and good wishes your way! What a difficult situation you are in. I really cannot add to the great advice you have been given but wanted to say good luck with the job situation and that I agree with everything the lovely people above have said. 

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Why do grandparents let their AC move in with them? I get it's the economy but I fear that it leads to MAJOR enabling of my generations where AC don't learn to be on their own. The "Inside Joke" with in my group circle when we deal with a "Boomerang kid" is to sarcastically say "Why don't you go back to your moms basement and play video games". I understand parents want to help their kids out, but is it really helping at all? I can understand parents talking their kids in under certain situations like death of spouse, injury, divorce etc. But what about AC who aren't having life altering events, are able bodied but still live with their parents?

My brother is 32 years old and still depends on my Parents for help. He's currently unemployed and lives with family and depends on my dad a lot to make sure his bills are paid and "helps" him with his taxes, reminds him to pay certain bills etc etc. It's almost comical but down right sad too. My parents have enabled my brother A LOT. It's partly their fault that my brother hasn't learned to be self sufficient. 

Most of my kids friends parents are 10-15 years older then me. I noticed that  some of those in my generation needed extra time to bake and weren't ready to adult till much older. A lot of my peers from HS and College are now just getting married or having kids.

 

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Sometimes it's a matter of AC being homeless. My daughter and her BF and son had to stay with me for a few months until they could afford to get their own place. I would rather them be here than at a shelter or who knows where they would be able to go.  They have been on their own now for about 7 years and are doing great.

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44 minutes ago, Momof4girls said:

Why do grandparents let their AC move in with them?

Because ODD and her 3 kids (3.5 to 14.5) need a safe secure place to live, we need house-sitters 5-6 months a year. We all win.

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11 minutes ago, JanelleK said:

Because ODD and her 3 kids (3.5 to 14.5) need a safe secure place to live, we need house-sitters 5-6 months a year. We all win.

That's understandstandable in your specific situation. I am more wondering/curious about AC who don't have any life altering events going on and are rather unmotivated to adult. Sorta like my brother lol. I'm pretty sure he would be content living with family for the rest of his life.

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I think something has to be going on for an adult child to either return home or in some cases never leave the nest- But whatever is going on doesn't necessarily have to be "bad"-  Perhaps it's just a matter of the observers perception as well as preference when looking at anothers circumstance other than ones own- Some might think things like gee that wouldn't be me or my kid or me and my kid or I wouldn't go about it in that manner- And many don't- They'd do it differently- But someone looking at what they did could think the exact same things -- gee that wouldn't be me or my kid or me and my kid or I wouldn't go about it in that manner-

Many a grandparent, for example, jump through a ridiculous amount of hoops in order to see their grandchildren- When I read their stories sometimes their stress just leaps right off the screen despite them insisting ""It's fine, great, laugh a minute, easy as pie-""

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I think its pretty awesome that parents have their AC backs during time of real need. Then I look at my 32 year old brother, unmarried no kids to support and my family is coddling him like he's 12.

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1 hour ago, Momof4girls said:

I think its pretty awesome that parents have their AC backs during time of real need. Then I look at my 32 year old brother, unmarried no kids to support and my family is coddling him like he's 12.

Alright, I'll bite- How would you have handled the matter? Not your brother's circumstance- Look at your own children and come up with a solution instead of a complaint- :)

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29 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

Alright, I'll bite- How would you have handled the matter? Not your brother's circumstance- Look at your own children and come up with a solution instead of a complaint- :)

What do you mean compliant?

If any of my 4 kids were ever in real need I would be there for them without a doubt. (Or I hope I would.) Is that what you mean?

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