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RoseRed135

If you've been cut off by your adult son or daughter and family... possible triggers...

168 posts in this topic

... or any other relative/IL you care about, how did it come about? And, if you will, how do you cope?

Edited by RoseRed135
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If you're new here, welcome! And you might want to read the following GP.com advice before you post:

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Then again, I know you may be very anxious to open your own conversation thread and go more deeply into your own situation. But you need to amass 10 replies before you can start your own thread, as explained here:

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Edited by rosered135
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I have one grandson who just turned 18. He is my daughter's child. When he was just a year old, my daughter and her husband separated and they came to live with me, in a 1-bedroom apt. for a year. I was working and my daughter stayed home with the baby. Our bedroom was a dormitory..... My bed closest to the bathroom, abutted by my daughter's bed and then the crib. It was difficult living in such proximity but we got along. It was the best of times and the worst of times....to quote Dickens. The best part was having the opportunity to bond so closely with my grandson. My daughter and her husband reconciled just after my GS 2nd birthday.....but I had the joy of having him every weekend. Unfortunately, the reconciliation didn't work out and they separated permanently 2years later.

When they made the final split, I had taken early retirement to care for my mother who had Alzheimer's. I moved into her apartment and gave the furniture to my daughter for her own place. I paid for all her moving expenses and bought her a car ......plus paid daycare for 4 months.

Daycare was when things started to go wrong......but I never really noticed it for about a year. My daughter started dating one of the daycare workers and in less than a year he had moved in with her and my GS. At first he seemed really nice, but my first inkling was when I heard him talk to his father in a very disrespectful and rude manner. I was shocked. Just a few weeks later, he spoke to his mother in the same way while we were visiting his sister. Now I'm getting worried, but I kept my mouth shut. As the months went by, my daughter and my GS told me stories about what was happening at home. I was still very close to them. My daughter had no problem confiding in me. ......same with my GS who I saw at least 3 times a week and took care of when he was sick.

I'm single and my daughter and my GS were the joy of my life..... A special bright light during those 5 dark years of caring for my mother. My GS and I had a very special bond that I thought would never be broken. Things really made a turn for the worse the day after my daughter remarried. Suddenly, my SIL was exerting his husbandly authority and making me out to be someone my daughter needed protection from. Having worked in healthcare, I suddenly realized that my new SIL was exhibiting all the classic signs of an abuser. I tried to discuss it several times with my daughter, but it was too late....he had already ensnared her.....she wasn't going to leave another marriage.....she felt she wasn't strong enough to be on her own.

The big bomb dropped when she told me they had bought a house about an hour's drive away....and, No, I couldn't stay over. That meant I could no longer take my GS to his swimming or music lessons or anything else on a weeknight. In addition, they were neglecting him.....leaving him alone at night while they went shopping, not following up on doctor's recommendations, giving him no assistance with schoolwork......and the list goes on. Very soon they would find any ridiculous reason to restrict my activities with my GS. And slowly but surely, in less than a year after their move itcwas over. First they blocked my telephone calls, then they changed my GS email, Skype, cell phone no. and took his mail. I was blocked from his Facebook and Twitter accounts. On several occasions I drove to their house, hoping to catch my GS on his way home from school.....on one of these occasions, my SIL was home and saw my car drive by. He then jumped in his jeep and blocked my car. When I calmly asked him whether my GS was home he said, " B. You have no grandson"  And that was the end. I had a wonderful relationship with my GS for 12 years and then he was gone......what's worse, I was no longer there for him when he needed someone.

How do I cope? I see a therapist once a week.....none of my friends or family want to see my tears anymore. I tried mediation, but both people need to participate and my daughter just stalled for a few months until the mediator gave up. 

But hope came back into my life, just 4 months ago.....a support group that a friend read about in the paper. I couldn't believe it when I went to my first meeting..I wasn't alone. And now as I sit there and listen to the stories....they're all different, yet all the same.....the common denominator in every person's story is the " Alienator" who preyed upon our adult child when s/he was vulnerable. Just like he manipulated his own parents my SIL manipulated and "brainwashed" my daughter and together they did the same to my GS. 

So now my GS is 18. Legally he can do whatever he wants...yes. He could telephone me, I haven't changed my number......but he won't because he doesn't remember or know the real me....he only knows what he's been told over the past 6 years.

But I have no intention of giving up hope of a reconciliation..... and it is this hope that gets me through my morning cry.

 

Edited by Mame925
Removed child's name
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5 hours ago, Boobie said:

I have one grandson who just turned 18. He is my daughter's child. When he was just a year old, my daughter and her husband separated and they came to live with me, in a 1-bedroom apt. for a year. I was working and my daughter stayed home with the baby. Our bedroom was a dormitory..... My bed closest to the bathroom, abutted by my daughter's bed and then the crib. It was difficult living in such proximity but we got along. It was the best of times and the worst of times....to quote Dickens. The best part was having the opportunity to bond so closely with my grandson. My daughter and her husband reconciled just after my GS 2nd birthday.....but I had the joy of having him every weekend. Unfortunately, the reconciliation didn't work out and they separated permanently 2years later.

When they made the final split, I had taken early retirement to care for my mother who had Alzheimer's. I moved into her apartment and gave the furniture to my daughter for her own place. I paid for all her moving expenses and bought her a car ......plus paid daycare for 4 months.

Daycare was when things started to go wrong......but I never really noticed it for about a year. My daughter started dating one of the daycare workers and in less than a year he had moved in with her and my GS. At first he seemed really nice, but my first inkling was when I heard him talk to his father in a very disrespectful and rude manner. I was shocked. Just a few weeks later, he spoke to his mother in the same way while we were visiting his sister. Now I'm getting worried, but I kept my mouth shut. As the months went by, my daughter and my GS told me stories about what was happening at home. I was still very close to them. My daughter had no problem confiding in me. ......same with my GS who I saw at least 3 times a week and took care of when he was sick.

I'm single and my daughter and my GS were the joy of my life..... A special bright light during those 5 dark years of caring for my mother. My Branson and I had a very special bond that I thought would never be broken. Things really made a turn for the worse the day after my daughter remarried. Suddenly, my SIL was exerting his husbandly authority and making me out to be someone my daughter needed protection from. Having worked in healthcare, I suddenly realized that my new SIL was exhibiting all the classic signs of an abuser. I tried to discuss it several times with my daughter, but it was too late....he had already ensnared her.....she wasn't going to leave another marriage.....she felt she wasn't strong enough to be on her own.

The big bomb dropped when she told me they had bought a house about an hour's drive away....and, No, I couldn't stay over. That meant I could no longer take my GS to his swimming or music lessons or anything else on a weeknight. In addition, they were neglecting him.....leaving him alone at night while they went shopping, not following up on doctor's recommendations, giving him no assistance with schoolwork......and the list goes on. Very soon they would find any ridiculous reason to restrict my activities with my GS. And slowly but surely, in less than a year after their move itcwas over. First they blocked my telephone calls, then they changed my GS email, Skype, cell phone no. and took his mail. I was blocked from his Facebook and Twitter accounts. On several occasions I drove to their house, hoping to catch my GS on his way home from school.....on one of these occasions, my SIL was home and saw my car drive by. He then jumped in his jeep and blocked my car. When I calmly asked him whether my GS was home he said, " B. You have no grandson"  And that was the end. I had a wonderful relationship with my GS for 12 years and then he was gone......what's worse, I was no longer there for him when he needed someone.

How do I cope? I see a therapist once a week.....none of my friends or family want to see my tears anymore. I tried mediation, but both people need to participate and my daughter just stalled for a few months until the mediator gave up. 

But hope came back into my life, just 4 months ago.....a support group that a friend read about in the paper. I couldn't believe it when I went to my first meeting..I wasn't alone. And now as I sit there and listen to the stories....they're all different, yet all the same.....the common denominator in every person's story is the " Alienator" who preyed upon our adult child when s/he was vulnerable. Just like he manipulated his own parents my SIL manipulated and "brainwashed" my daughter and together they did the same to my GS. 

So now my GS is 18. Legally he can do whatever he wants...yes. He could telephone me, I haven't changed my number......but he won't because he doesn't remember or know the real me....he only knows what he's been told over the past 6 years.

But I have no intention of giving up hope of a reconciliation..... and it is this hope that gets me through my morning cry.

 

Welcome, Boobie! I'm so sorry that you've been CO (cut off) from DD and GS! Especially after having been so very close! I can barely imagine the pain. My heart goes out to you!

But I'm glad you came in here to talk w/ us. We're willing (albeit sorry, of course) to "see (your) tears," even though your friends aren't.

I'm glad, too, that you're seeing a therapist and that you found a support group that has helped you. Very wise moves on your part, IMO! Hopefully, you have other activities in your life, as well, that help you keep your mind off this sad situation.

As for mediation, I'm not surprised it didn't pan out. It's not unusual for parents to refuse to do mediation w/ GPs... sigh... if they (the parents) feel there's nothing to negotiate or that they have nothing to gain. I don't blame you for trying, however.

And I'm glad you're not giving up hope! Contrary to your fears, GS must have some recollection of good times, etc. w/ you. After all, he was 12 when you last saw/had contact w/ him, not a baby/toddler. At 18 he's probably focused on other issues - school, maybe a job, extracurricular activities, socializing w/ friends, perhaps a GF (girlfriend), etc. And if he still lives at home, contacting you may still be a problem for him, despite his "adult" status. But, in time, he may reach out to you. Maybe not, of course, but he might. I'm hoping along w/ you...

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P.S. Thinking about this ^^^^ some more... I don't know if this will bring you any comfort or not... but you were fortunate enough to have a close relationship w/ GS for the first 12 years of his life. I know that, in many ways, that makes this estrangement even harder to bear, not to mention that you miss DD, as well. But the point I'm getting to is that around that age, GP/GC relationships tend to change, anyhow, as GC get more interested in their peers, etc. So chances are, even if things were fine between you and his parents, you would probably have seen/heard a lot less from GS over the last several years.

I'm not saying that this is all that has occurred. Obviously, if your phone calls were blocked and GS' email addy changed, etc. then much more was going on - I'm not doubting that. And how utterly cruel of SIL to tell you that you "have no grandson!" even if it was said in anger (not to mention the name-calling! Ugh!). Just hoping it helps a little to realize that even if things were fine, your relationship w/ GS would probably not have stayed the same, no matter how much you both love each other.

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It won't happen magically at that age, but it still may well happen - just be prepared for it to be a slow, long process.  I say this as a nephew that was told all kinds of crap about the family has recently reached out a bit.  The last time he was around, he probably wasn't even 4 - but he remembered something my mom used to have in the house and asked about it (and she had some that day, too!).  He graduated college before it got to this point....

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On 5/14/2016 at 7:16 PM, Nana-mom said:

It won't happen magically at that age, but it still may well happen - just be prepared for it to be a slow, long process.  I say this as a nephew that was told all kinds of crap about the family has recently reached out a bit.  The last time he was around, he probably wasn't even 4 - but he remembered something my mom used to have in the house and asked about it (and she had some that day, too!).  He graduated college before it got to this point....

The bolded is an important point, IMO! So many EGPs, it seems to me, wait anxiously until an EGC is 18 - then, if they don't hear from them, give up hope! But that EGC might still contact them when they graduate college (as N-m's nephew did) or when they have kids of their own, etc. You (general EGP/relative) can't count on it and are better off, IMO, not focusing on it too much. But there is always the possibility.

@Nana-mom - Glad to hear about your nephew!

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we did have to call cps on our daughter and she was found in their investigation to be abuse and neglectful.  we had a significant established relationship with grandchildren thru our daughter's lengthy criminal and drug problem, as she and children lived with us most of their little lives. now we find ourselves unable to see the kids, and daughter was able to make all decision's on placement of kids.   we had hoped the call would help our daughter get the help she most needed and kids to be in a stable happy and healthy home as she still has the capability to be a good mother. boy she sure does hate us now, and cant help but think therepy which was court ordered for her and children will be moote since she still holds so much anger.

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Welcome, New Member! Glad you came in to talk w/ us though I'm so sorry it's b/c you're daughter hold so much anger against you and you're being kept away from your grandchildren. My heart goes out to you!

IMO (in my opinion), you did the right thing by those children (and for your daughter, too, whether she appreciates it, right now, or not). It's unfortunate that it has led to your being CO from them, but hopefully, the kids are "in a stable, happy and healthy home," as you wished, even though not w/ her or you and DH (dear husband).

It may be cold comfort but it's not unusual for parents/a parent to be deeply angry at whoever blew the whistle on them, no matter how justified (and this clearly was justified). You are not alone. It's not unusual either, to my (limited) knowledge, for the parent to have a say in the placement of their children if they're removed from home. But I'm a little surprised that you don't get to see your GC at all. Have you asked CPS or whatever foster care agency is involved, if any, about visitation?

It's beautiful, IMO, that you have  enough faith in your daughter to believe "she still has he capability to be a good mother." Hopefully, the court-ordered therapy will help her to reach that point and she and the children will be reunited. Whether or not it will help her to let go of her anger towards you, IDK. Maybe as she sees the benefits of he therapy, etc., her attitude will soften, maybe not. If not, chances are, the kids will reach out to you and DH when they're older. But regardless, you basically "saved their lives." That may not ease the pain of missing them, but perhaps realizing that can help you to live w/ it.

You and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers (if ok)...

ETA: if those are your actual first and last names in your username, we recommend you change that for greater privacy. To see how to do so, click on the following thread:

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135
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Seriously these are dated 2009 to 2015?  Where is 2016?

Obasan

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Welcome Obasan, nice to have here. My display shows all the recent entries....what you are seeing may be the original posting date.

Feel free to look around. We do ask, however, that you not post in threads that have had no activity for more than 3 months. 

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On 6/7/2016 at 11:39 AM, Obasan said:

Seriously these are dated 2009 to 2015?  Where is 2016?

Obasan

Another welcome, Obasan!

This thread was posted in Feb. 2016. And please look again - I see a number of other threads in this forum that were posted this year (2016). Granted, as Mame points out, we generally ask members not to post in threads that are more than 3 months old, unless they're the OP (original poster). However, threads like these that are pinned w/ a thumbtack icon are intended to be ongoing and may be posted in no matter how old.

Please feel free to look around in some other forums for some more recent discussions, as well.

Edited by RoseRed135
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It seems this thread was commented on in May 2016, so less than 3 months ago?

Obasan, I'll answer the original question as best I can.

I have not been cut off, but one of my sisters has been cut off from her ACIL and grands. How did it happen? I don't really know. I believe it had a lot to do with sister's AC and ACIL being somewhat upset over sister's divorce and her XH remarriage.

The reason the CO continues has a lot to do with sister refusing to follow her ACIL rules about no contact until xyz date.

I'm not privy to the details. I do overhear enough bits when my nieceILs are about to know it's ugly and will likely never end.

Helpful? I doubt it. Factual? Yep, a road map on how to turn a normal CO into a non-recoverable CO.

It's too bad, my sister is a nice woman (albeit needy) who has recently lived through a horrendous surgery, her days are numbered. She has wonderful AC, ACIL and grands. Her somewhat acceptable XH has remarried a positively lovely woman and has delightful (step) AC, ACIL, and grands. There really shouldn't be any problems, imo, and sister really should quit messing with the end-date regarding no contact.

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WOW....and here I thought I was the ONLY one in this position!!  Mine is also a long drawn out mess of a story.  In short my daughter was 16 when she ran away and got pregnant by an illegal.  My granddaughter was born when my daughter was 17...still a child herself.  My daughter had and still has alot of issues with anger.  She spent time in a "therapudic" boarding school for troubled teens...her therapist and psychologist called her a manipulator with possible bi-polar.  After my GD birth my daughter continued to act like the kid she was and took little responsiblity for the baby unless I forced her and then she was short tempered with her.  She got a part time job after school and I watched the baby -Oh I forgot to mention that she was also on probation for assault- anyway one night she told me she had to work and I dropped her off and the other kids and I and the baby decided to go to the sports center across the street from her work and use the pool.  Afterward we stopped where she was working for drinks only she wasn't there and hadn't been scheduled to work.  This happened again and her PO wasn't taking it seriously but I was upset...her room was a mess and she would allow the baby to play with things like lighters and sharp objects.  I called CPS several times but they always told me that because I was there they wouldn't do anything.  For my daughter's 18th birthday I allowed her to attend a party thrown by a friend of hers...she was supposed to return by midnight and didn't.  When she finally DID I learned she'd spent the night with a man she'd met at the party.  Within a month she took the baby and moved in with this man.  They had A LOT of problems...he was a heavy drinker and had a temper and she drank, smoked and had a bad temper.  The baby would be left ALONE in the apartment while she went visiting....again I called CPS but they wouldn't intervene.  By February the police had been called to their apartment numerous times for their fights.  She finally called it quits one night after an arguement which led to liquor bottles being thrown.  She and the baby moved back home with me but she continued to neglect the baby, lie, not come home, so I gave her an ultimatum step up or get out.  She chose to leave and left the baby with me sent me a letter telling me I had custody that I would be a better parent to her than she could.

In the years since...my GD is now 12 1/2....my daughter has seen my GD a few times a year and gives her big gifts on her b-day and Christmas but has NEVER until the last 2 years made ANY attempt to take custody back.  I did attempt once years ago to seek legal custody but the lawyer wanted $5000 up front and no way I had that or could get it!!  So being in Texas which allows grandparents a lot of leeway I didn't seek further.  Now 2 years ago my daughter met a man (another long not so pretty story)...not a bad guy but stilll his morals left a lot to be desired.  He had no children in his previous marriage but desperately wanted a big family.  Suddenly my daughter wants to see more of my GD.  Being as GD is of an age to try to understand why she is living with me all her life instead of her mother and 2 younger sisters I allowed it at the recommendation of the therapist.  Then school let out in May and I had agreed my GD could spend PART of the summer with her mother and sisters (they live 5-6 hours away).  My daughter arrived to pick up my GD but left town without waiting for me to get off work so I never got to say good bye to my GD.  About a week later my daughter blasts me over FB saying my GD is nasty and is bad mouthing her to her friends on FB and texts.  DD says she took GD computer away.  GD cries she wants to come home I tell her I will come the next Sunday to get her.  DD then says I need to get her before Friday as they are going on vacation and she will not take GD.  Next thing I know I get a FB message that GD apologized and all is well.   BUT she has continued to ground her from her computer and she has not spoken to any of her friends locally since that time either.  My DD has also blocked my phone from calling her or texting her and has deactivated her FB so now I have no way to contact my GD.  Before she deactivated her FB I sent her a message that I was coming this weekend to pick up GD because I'm sick of her games.  DD has anger issues and is irresponsible and neglectful and a liar although according to HER SHE has NO problems...it's all SOMEONE else's issue!!  When she moved out of the apartment my mom rented her and her last bf and her kids she trashed it and damaged the stove and carpet and the whole place was a wreck...over $2000 in damages which she took NO responsiblity for.  When she left she cut off my mom and my sisters (and initially me) because they tried to get her to make good on paying for the repairs and getting her trash out of the apartment.  She refused.  Now she is downright hateful to my family and tells everyone that WE are the problem and WE are the drama.  Ummm....NO....not hardly.  

Anyway I don't know what will happen once I get to Dallas to try to pick up my GD on Saturday.  I don't know if she will want to come willingly and if I have any right other than the fact that I have single handedly raised her and supported her financially for the last 12 years to force her.  I don't know if my daughter will try to leave town for the weekend so that I cannot pick up my GD.  As I said I have NO WAY to contact either of them at this point...I keep leaving my GD messages on FB but so far as I can tell none have been seen yet.  I'm angry and frustrated.  I didn't ask for this 12 years ago but I stepped up and until my DD started playing mind games with my GD 2 years ago when she met this new guy I didn't have any trouble with my GD.  Any advice??  I'm a single parent working retail so money for a lawyer isn't in the cards.

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Welcome New Member! My heart so goes out to you!

Before I say anything else, however, I feel compelled to say if that's you're active email addy in your username, we recommend that you change it. To find out how to do so, click on the thread in MIL Anonymous forum, entitled, "New, Easier Way to Change Your Username."

@ All - I'm posting from my local library where I can't copy and paste. If someone else can give this member the link to the thread I referenced, please do. Thank you.

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As for your story, New Member - bless you for being there for GD all those years! I'm deeply sorry that your DD turned out to be such a poor mom to her and such a problem, overall.

It's hard to gauge now, though, whether GD is giving DD a hard time b/c DD is not treating her well, GD simply misses you or GD is entering a difficult adolescence. The fact that you never had trouble w/ her doesn't rule that last possibility out, as I'm sure you realize. Her mom's punishments may be her attempt to curb GD's behavior and be more of a mom to her than she was in the past.

Still, I feel for both you and GD since you've been cut off from each other and I hope you get to see and spend some time w/ her this weekend. IDK if you have any "rights" to take her home w/ you, however, since you didn't have legal custody. That's something, I'm afraid, only a lawyer could answer.

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P.S. Please resist an temptation to just drive off w/ her, if you're thinking that (I know you didn't say that), as you could end up being accused of kidnapping.

Keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out.

Edited by RoseRed135

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Update to my story...I did drive up on Saturday.  DD refused to come out and talk to me.  GD was ecstatic that I actually came.  She got her things and loaded them in the car then went back in one last time to get her computer which DD had taken away earlier in her stay.  DD's parting comment to GD was that if she left she was no longer her child and was dead to her.   At this point I'd be just as happy if she'd just sign over her rights and be done with it.  No more heart ache for GD who left wondering what is wrong with her that her mother would say that.  I knew DD had a mean streak and I knew that no matter what GD decided this wasn't going to end well but I didn't think she'd react like THAT!!!  I had no idea just how unbearable DD had made it for GD over the past couple of weeks...not only did she take away her phone and computer but for the first 3 days after DD found out that GD had asked to come home she wouldn't allow her out of the bedroom even to eat so she went 3 days without eating before GD wrote DD a note apologizing and DD let her out....still wouldn't allow her to have her phone or computer or use of her sister's phone (which was taken away so she couldn't access it).  All very deliberate and manipulative and just plain mean.  In our conversations on the way home (oh the conversations you can have in a 5 hour drive!!) I found out that DD is slowly alienating EVERYONE...one by one...she has "disowned" and/or BEEN disowned by my entire family for her actions against my mother and for her actions in getting with her fiance (or bf...whatever).  Now I find out she is no longer on speaking terms with her fiance/bf's family and they thought she was just so wonderful!!  No idea what happened but GD says that "GG" won't talk to DD anymore and therefore "Papa James" won't talk to her either.  My son informed me that my ex's family has also begun to shun DD for her actions.  WHEN will this girl wake up and change her ways???  As a mother I hate that this is happening but I have done MORE than my part to try to help her...until she grows up enough to realize that the world does NOT revolve around HER and that EVERYONE and ANYONE else besides her is NOT responsible for what happens to her...SHE IS...I know nothing will change.  I guess she'll have to lose everything and everyone and hit rock bottom before she changes at this point.  Sad.  So I need to find a way of at the least obtaining FULL LEGAL CUSTODY and at the best seeking total ADOPTION of my GD for her sake...no more fear of abandonment.

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On Sunday, June 12, 2016 at 11:30 AM, StormyMama said:

Update to my story...I did drive up on Saturday.  DD refused to come out and talk to me.  GD was ecstatic that I actually came.  She got her things and loaded them in the car then went back in one last time to get her computer which DD had taken away earlier in her stay.  DD's parting comment to GD was that if she left she was no longer her child and was dead to her.   At this point I'd be just as happy if she'd just sign over her rights and be done with it.  No more heart ache for GD who left wondering what is wrong with her that her mother would say that.  I knew DD had a mean streak and I knew that no matter what GD decided this wasn't going to end well but I didn't think she'd react like THAT!!!  I had no idea just how unbearable DD had made it for GD over the past couple of weeks...not only did she take away her phone and computer but for the first 3 days after DD found out that GD had asked to come home she wouldn't allow her out of the bedroom even to eat so she went 3 days without eating before GD wrote DD a note apologizing and DD let her out....still wouldn't allow her to have her phone or computer or use of her sister's phone (which was taken away so she couldn't access it).  All very deliberate and manipulative and just plain mean.  In our conversations on the way home (oh the conversations you can have in a 5 hour drive!!) I found out that DD is slowly alienating EVERYONE...one by one...she has "disowned" and/or BEEN disowned by my entire family for her actions against my mother and for her actions in getting with her fiance (or bf...whatever).  Now I find out she is no longer on speaking terms with her fiance/bf's family and they thought she was just so wonderful!!  No idea what happened but GD says that "GG" won't talk to DD anymore and therefore "Papa James" won't talk to her either.  My son informed me that my ex's family has also begun to shun DD for her actions.  WHEN will this girl wake up and change her ways???  As a mother I hate that this is happening but I have done MORE than my part to try to help her...until she grows up enough to realize that the world does NOT revolve around HER and that EVERYONE and ANYONE else besides her is NOT responsible for what happens to her...SHE IS...I know nothing will change.  I guess she'll have to lose everything and everyone and hit rock bottom before she changes at this point.  Sad.  So I need to find a way of at the least obtaining FULL LEGAL CUSTODY and at the best seeking total ADOPTION of my GD for her sake...no more fear of abandonment.

Thanks for updating us, StormyMama! IMO, you took a huge risk, just driving there that day. But it was brave of you, I feel, and I'm glad DD let GD go w/ you. If it's any comfort, at all, it's not unusual, to my knowledge, for parents who are trying to reclaim their parent status/rebuild their relationship w/ their child to CO (cut off) other relatives who are important to that child or who defend the ones already CO. It's part of an effort, I think, perhaps misguided,  to try to get the child to focus on the relationship w/ the parent.

So I would have said that was harsh but "normal" - until you told us about DD's not letting GD eat for 3 days! Clearly, that's child abuse! I hurt for GD and I'm so glad you were able to get her out of that horrible situation!

IDK if this will help or not, but there is such a thing as "defacto custody" (or something like that), which can be granted - in some states - to GPs/relatives who have raised/been raising a child sans the parents for X amount of time. IDK if that's true in your state or what the specific criteria are. But it's probably worth looking into if you haven't already.

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I have had a mean bullying daughter-in-law ever since my son got married back in 1997.  She is sneaky with a lot of it.  I only recently told him some of the things she has done to both me and my sister.  I have let her by with it for years in order to keep peace in the family and for my son's sake. 

I will post more on this later but this is what I want to point out at this time.  Nothing works with these girls anyway, so why wait to put it to rest.  Stop her the very first time that she tries you.  Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will NOT put up with it.  If your son isn't there during this confrontation, tell him as soon as you see him and tell him what she has said or done.  Tell him that you will not allow her to behave this way with you.  Set boundaries for her right away and do not back down.  If you do, you will be stuck with this type of behavior out of her for good because you have allowed it from the beginning and continued to take it.  At this point your son may or may not take his wife's side.  At least he will be aware of this situation.  She may try you again but you have to stand your ground.  Don't be afraid of her stopping you from anything with your son or grandchildren because she is going to try, (and probably will) call the shots anyway.  This is a girl who is jealous of your relationship with your son and she is insecure.  Trust me, you can't be good enough for her in any way.  She will continue this nastiness anyway.  She may seem pleasant and good at times but she will revert back to her meanness at any time.  Any little thing can tick her off. 

Since I did not confront her at the very start and have wanted until only recently to stop it, I can't really say what may have happened if I had confronted this issue the first time.  I do know for sure that what I have tried and that was sweeping it under the rug and trying to be nice, not telling my son, etc., did not work.  This is definitely not the answer.

More later.

 

 

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Welcome Lucindy.  I am sorry you "drew" a mean DIL.  My MIL was the meanest person I have ever met and it was quite a challenge to find a middle ground that we both could "live" with.  I also put up with her "stuff" for years until my teenage son had a talk with her about her treatment of me.  Then I saw that I had to step up to the plate also.

It is possible to be firm with someone without being just as "mean" as they are, and yes there is always a possibility with a parent that they might with hold visits with the children so you have to be sure that you are willing to forgo visits with the grands to put a stop to the "meanness".

And I suggest that you don't try to play your son against his wife.  My MIL told me more than once that she could breakup my marriage anytime she set her mind to it.  All that accomplished was her son cut her off also.

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10 hours ago, Lucindy said:

I have had a mean bullying daughter-in-law ever since my son got married back in 1997.  She is sneaky with a lot of it.  I only recently told him some of the things she has done to both me and my sister.  I have let her by with it for years in order to keep peace in the family and for my son's sake. 

I will post more on this later but this is what I want to point out at this time.  Nothing works with these girls anyway, so why wait to put it to rest.  Stop her the very first time that she tries you.  Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will NOT put up with it.  If your son isn't there during this confrontation, tell him as soon as you see him and tell him what she has said or done.  Tell him that you will not allow her to behave this way with you.  Set boundaries for her right away and do not back down.  If you do, you will be stuck with this type of behavior out of her for good because you have allowed it from the beginning and continued to take it.  At this point your son may or may not take his wife's side.  At least he will be aware of this situation.  She may try you again but you have to stand your ground.  Don't be afraid of her stopping you from anything with your son or grandchildren because she is going to try, (and probably will) call the shots anyway.  This is a girl who is jealous of your relationship with your son and she is insecure.  Trust me, you can't be good enough for her in any way.  She will continue this nastiness anyway.  She may seem pleasant and good at times but she will revert back to her meanness at any time.  Any little thing can tick her off. 

Since I did not confront her at the very start and have wanted until only recently to stop it, I can't really say what may have happened if I had confronted this issue the first time.  I do know for sure that what I have tried and that was sweeping it under the rug and trying to be nice, not telling my son, etc., did not work.  This is definitely not the answer.

There is no reason to allow mean behavior, walk away. DIL can't be mean to you if you're not available. Attributing jealousy of MIL and insecurity as the reasons for mean behavior is short sighted at best. Mean people are not jealous of their MIL. The other side is that DS is still married 19 years later. DS found what he fancies. People stay married for reasons their Mom and MIL can't comprehend.

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10 hours ago, Lucindy said:

I have had a mean bullying daughter-in-law ever since my son got married back in 1997.  She is sneaky with a lot of it.  I only recently told him some of the things she has done to both me and my sister.  I have let her by with it for years in order to keep peace in the family and for my son's sake.

I will post more on this later but this is what I want to point out at this time.  Nothing works with these girls anyway, so why wait to put it to rest.  Stop her the very first time that she tries you.  Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will NOT put up with it.  If your son isn't there during this confrontation, tell him as soon as you see him and tell him what she has said or done.  Tell him that you will not allow her to behave this way with you.  Set boundaries for her right away and do not back down.  If you do, you will be stuck with this type of behavior out of her for good because you have allowed it from the beginning and continued to take it.  At this point your son may or may not take his wife's side.  At least he will be aware of this situation.  She may try you again but you have to stand your ground.  Don't be afraid of her stopping you from anything with your son or grandchildren because she is going to try, (and probably will) call the shots anyway.  This is a girl who is jealous of your relationship with your son and she is insecure.  Trust me, you can't be good enough for her in any way.  She will continue this nastiness anyway.  She may seem pleasant and good at times but she will revert back to her meanness at any time.  Any little thing can tick her off.

Since I did not confront her at the very start and have wanted until only recently to stop it, I can't really say what may have happened if I had confronted this issue the first time.  I do know for sure that what I have tried and that was sweeping it under the rug and trying to be nice, not telling my son, etc., did not work.  This is definitely not the answer.

More later.

 

 

Another welcome, Lucindy! I'm glad you decided to come in and share your thoughts and experiences w/ us.

Like Sue, I'm sorry that you have a "mean, bullying" DIL. And I take it that by "these girls," you're referring to this kind of DIL, specifically. As Sue points out, there are cruel MILs, as well. And I'll add, MILs/DILs and others who are simply "difficult," if not intentionally mean.

I definitely think a MIL should set boundaries w/ her DS and DIL (or DD and SIL, as the case may be), if that's what she needs to do. But, agreeing w/ Sue again, I would think twice about trying to pull the AC (adult child/ren) in the middle. I can see asking the AC if they know if you (general MIL or FIL) have done anything to offend their spouse, and if so, how you might make amends, if you think that's an issue. But I would stop short of complaining to an AC about their spouse or asking them to take my side against that spouse.

In fact, often MILs here are worried about just what you mention - being distanced from their AC and GC. And often posters here advise them to be careful for that reason. Clearly, you (personal) have a different take on that, Lucindy, and I'm very interested in hearing it. Good, IMO, to have a fresh point of view on the board!

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I always thought this  would come to this, but I'm just wondering how I can handle this ,First off I would like to thank you for allowing me to join the is Grandparent.com

I have been looking for somewhere to express my feelings of being a Grandma , I now have 4 gr, children and I enjoy every last one of them, I had my first in 2009

second in 2010 , and this issue is about the second one he is 6 yrs old now and just adorable as the others, these are my oldest boy kids

he has three and my youngest has 1 so far. He is going through some changes and it has a lot to do with both parents, my son has went to

jail several times but before he went he spent time with both  the boys  especially the one I am refering too. but he is getting his self back

on track and yes he pays child support for both boys.. but it seems my second one is going through some changes I try my best to get the

gr. kids on my days off and special events I want to spent as much time I can with them my son...well... lately he hasn't so I guess this is

taking a toll on him (my second) this is what the mom says so now he is seeing a child peych. he has been acting up in school throwing lil

tantrums and issues at home, now on the moims part she has move severl times been evicted several times has a boyfriend that fights

quite of bit now I got this info from a trusting source, her mom, the boyfriend has even tried to hurt her mom, I talk to my son and told

him he needs to spend more time with the second one..well.... now she tells me tht since my son is in and out of his life the pysch sug-

gest that WE shouldn't see him for awhile and I'm trying to figure out why me , why cant I see him?? I talk to the her mom yesterday

and this is what was told to me , I did call the mother but she neve returns my calls but she gets real upset when i do call the mom

about my gr.son also there is drugs involved  several times i have pick him up and i can smell it and the house is NERVER clean

The state has been called on her before ,but she wants t=o blame this on our spacey visits. I work n the Nursing field so if you work

in one then you know how the hours and days go, so i try to get them as much, but i have gotten cut off because of my son situation

and i don't think that's is fair.... Imn pretty upset about but then again I'm not because i do have 3 other grandchildren but i would like

to see them all when i can i usually get them older boys together i don't like getting one and not the other there are two babies

one frome each son  i do see them a lot , the oldest lives a little further but the second one is just a few miles from me.i was told that my gr.son has transitional anxiety

but I dnt see how this effects me I get him when I can and as I said I always get them together

 

 

 

 

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