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RoseRed135

If you've been cut off by your adult son or daughter and family... possible triggers...

175 posts in this topic

3 hours ago, Grmadiva said:

I always thought this  would come to this, but I'm just wondering how I can handle this ,First off I would like to thank you for allowing me to join the is Grandparent.com

I have been looking for somewhere to express my feelings of being a Grandma , I now have 4 gr, children and I enjoy every last one of them, I had my first in 2009

second in 2010 , and this issue is about the second one he is 6 yrs old now and just adorable as the others, these are my oldest boy kids

he has three and my youngest has 1 so far. He is going through some changes and it has a lot to do with both parents, my son has went to

jail several times but before he went he spent time with both  the boys  especially the one I am refering too. but he is getting his self back

on track and yes he pays child support for both boys.. but it seems my second one is going through some changes I try my best to get the

gr. kids on my days off and special events I want to spent as much time I can with them my son...well... lately he hasn't so I guess this is

taking a toll on him (my second) this is what the mom says so now he is seeing a child peych. he has been acting up in school throwing lil

tantrums and issues at home, now on the moims part she has move severl times been evicted several times has a boyfriend that fights

quite of bit now I got this info from a trusting source, her mom, the boyfriend has even tried to hurt her mom, I talk to my son and told

him he needs to spend more time with the second one..well.... now she tells me tht since my son is in and out of his life the pysch sug-

gest that WE shouldn't see him for awhile and I'm trying to figure out why me , why cant I see him?? I talk to the her mom yesterday

and this is what was told to me , I did call the mother but she neve returns my calls but she gets real upset when i do call the mom

about my gr.son also there is drugs involved  several times i have pick him up and i can smell it and the house is NERVER clean

The state has been called on her before ,but she wants t=o blame this on our spacey visits. I work n the Nursing field so if you work

in one then you know how the hours and days go, so i try to get them as much, but i have gotten cut off because of my son situation

and i don't think that's is fair.... Imn pretty upset about but then again I'm not because i do have 3 other grandchildren but i would like

to see them all when i can i usually get them older boys together i don't like getting one and not the other there are two babies

one frome each son  i do see them a lot , the oldest lives a little further but the second one is just a few miles from me.i was told that my gr.son has transitional anxiety

but I dnt see how this effects me I get him when I can and as I said I always get them together

 

 

 

 

Welcome Grmadiva! My heart goes out to you and GS! A lot to take in here though. Will get back to you...

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14 hours ago, Grmadiva said:

I always thought this  would come to this, but I'm just wondering how I can handle this ,First off I would like to thank you for allowing me to join the is Grandparent.com

Happy to have you here, Grmadiva!

I have been looking for somewhere to express my feelings of being a Grandma , I now have 4 gr, children and I enjoy every last one of them, I had my first in 2009

second in 2010 , and this issue is about the second one he is 6 yrs old now and just adorable as the others, these are my oldest boy kids

he has three and my youngest has 1 so far. He is going through some changes and it has a lot to do with both parents, my son has went to

jail several times but before he went he spent time with both  the boys  especially the one I am refering too. but he is getting his self back

on track and yes he pays child support for both boys.. but it seems my second one is going through some changes I try my best to get the

gr. kids on my days off and special events I want to spent as much time I can with them my son...well... lately he hasn't so I guess this is

taking a toll on him (my second) this is what the mom says so now he is seeing a child peych. he has been acting up in school throwing lil

tantrums and issues at home, now on the moims part she has move severl times been evicted several times has a boyfriend that fights

quite of bit now I got this info from a trusting source, her mom, the boyfriend has even tried to hurt her mom... Are you sure her mom isn't exaggerating or putting her own spin on it? IMO, it's tricky getting info second- hand though I realize you don't have much choice.

I talk to my son and told him he needs to spend more time with the second one..well.... now she tells me tht since my son is in and out of his life the pysch sug-

gest that WE shouldn't see him for awhile and I'm trying to figure out why me , why cant I see him?? I talk to the her mom yesterday

and this is what was told to me , I did call the mother but she neve returns my calls but she gets real upset when i do call the mom

about my gr.son also there is drugs involved  several times i have pick him up and i can smell it and the house is NERVER clean

The state has been called on her before ,but she wants t=o blame this on our spacey visits. Not sure what you mean by "spacey?"

I work n the Nursing field so if you work in one then you know how the hours and days go, so i try to get them as much, but i have gotten cut off because of my son situa

tion and i don't think that's is fair.... Imn pretty upset about but then again I'm not because i do have 3 other grandchildren but i would like

to see them all when i can i usually get them older boys together i don't like getting one and not the other there are two babies

one frome each son  i do see them a lot , the oldest lives a little further but the second one is just a few miles from me. I'm a bit confused. These are both ODS' (older dear son's) kids but they don't live together? Does one live w/ the dad/your ODS? i was told that my gr.son has transitional anxiety

but I dnt see how this effects me I get him when I can and as I said I always get them together

 

 

 

 

Back again. And quoting you again, Grmadiva, b/c I wanted to make some of my comments right on the post, as you can see.

Clearly, little GS2 has been through a lot. (Maybe ODS' other boy has too?) My heart aches for him - and for you, as well, since I know you're hurt and worried.

I'm sorry that neither parent done the best job (I know you must feel bad about ODS, too). Good, though, that the mom has gotten the little guy into therapy (perhaps social services required it?). I'm no therapist and this is just off the top of my head, but if the boy has developed "transitional anxiety," then I imagine he has trouble w/ change/needs routine. So it's very possible, I'm guessing, that the psychologist advised his mom to keep his schedule as consistent as possible. And yes, that might mean cutting out his visits w/ you, especially since, unfortunately, you can't take him at regular, consistent intervals. (I understand why you can't, but that doesn't change the problem.)

Whatever she has done in the past, it looks as if the mom is trying to do right by this child now. I know you didn't ask for advice, but if you're interested in any, mine is to just be patient and give is boy and his relationship w/ his mom time to heal. Hopefully, they'll react to you again in time.

I'm concerned about the possibility of drugs, of course, and clearly, you are, also. Hopefully, though, social services is on top of that situation since you say they have been called in the past.

If you feel the child is in any danger from mom or her BF, however, then, by all means, notify them (social services).... But, of course, I hope that's not the case.

 

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I'm happy I found this group because I am a new member and it makes me very sad.  It's hard for me to talk about this with others offline. 

I am not a grandmother YET but I am the step mother of my husbands adult children,  two are wonderful, but the other one I have never met. 

Im honestly not sure why, but she and my darling husband have been estranged Since she was very young. On one side I can't imagine how she can be so cruel, as my husband is a wonderful man, although i do admit my curiosity has got the better of me many times.

Her siblings won't divulge the full story about what happened to me, (except to adamantly insist in a blanket statement type way that she wasn't in the wrong and it's not their place to discuss it - she has obviously told them to say it) and my husband gets quite angry when I try to ask about her. She's a black sheep for sure. I must admit I often feel left out of the loop. Being a step Mum is hard.

Over the past few years I have found out Through a combination of family gossip ( and i sadly admit looking on the Facebook by her and her husband!!) that she is now married and had 3 children in close succession. It's very hard for me not to be a part of their life. I can only imagine how her father feels, missing out on his grandbabies. I suggested we get a lawyer and try to fight for access rights to his grandchildren but he decided it would be too painful. 

Luckily this year my darling sons wife will have my first grandbaby! I hope this will help fill the void in my heart somewhat. 

We are so excited about this year!!! I hope good things will come.

 

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27 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

 

Over the past few years I have found out Through a combination of family gossip ( and i sadly admit looking on the Facebook by her and her husband!!) that she is now married and had 3 children in close succession. It's very hard for me not to be a part of their life. I can only imagine how her father feels, missing out on his grandbabies. I suggested we get a lawyer and try to fight for access rights to his grandchildren but he decided it would be too painful. 

 

 

I am very very glad your DH said no to your suggestion. It would've been very painful especially since you have no rights to those children. Grandparents rights are an iffy thing and do have a list of 'haves' in order for to be an actual case. Her being married and you have never met these children and don't have an relationship with them would make your case irrelevant. And trying to go through with that could potentially ruin your other AC/SAC's relationship with you.

I'm not saying this to be mean, but to bring some reality to your suggestion. You'd be wasting money, time, and possibly forfeiting good relationships and saying goodbye at ever having a chance of a relationship with your step daughter and her children.

Have you ever tried reaching out to her? To just try to have a relationship JUST with her? No mention of the GC?

 

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Grannygreensmith, I think it is important that you trust your husband and his children in this matter. They seem to know what happened and have used that knowledge to determine what is best for a relationship. 

PLS21 is right that fighting for visitation would not likely be successful due to many different reasons and would likely result in reopening whatever happened to cause the CO. I suspect this would not result in anything good and would likely cause stress in the relationship with your step children.

have you thought about what sort of worst case scenarios might have caused this, it could get very messy. I know of several situations where a person attempted to reconcile a family to have things go horribly wrong-a new spouse tried to reconcile mother and daughter to discover daughter had been molested by father and mother was told but didn't believe daughter so it continued for years. A different women wanted to invite fiancées estranged father to their wedding to find out that father had repeatedly beaten him in a fits of rages. Father had received counseling and has been stable for years but seeing the son triggers self-guilt and the son was hurt badly enough he has PTSD. A friend of mine discovered that she was the result of her mom having a long term affair. Her father suspected and treated her differently because of the suspicions than her siblings. Not horribly but they never really developed a father daughter bonding because he saw her as evidence of the affair. she discovered the truth due to blood tests and moved away and slowly stopped seeing her dad because she never felt that she fit in. A guy I work with was the black sheep of the family. He got into drugs and his parents tried to help by sending him to a tough love program. While there he was treated very badly (ice baths, sexual molestation) and ran away. He knows that they were trying to help and didn't know what was happening but he felt abandoned and blames them for the mistreatment and he wants nothing to do with them, it's too painful for him. They feel horrible that it happened, and respect his wishes.  It could even be something as simple as the daughter wasn't very nice, was a user and moocher and the whole family got sick of it. Maybe she settled down and is better but the pain she caused is still there, money still owed. I have even heard of AC accusing their families of false crimes and then law suits, CPS, courts get involved and it becomes very clear that the crimes are false. The person could have a mental illness or personality disorder. It is possible the family doesn't want to deal with any of that again.

be very careful of opening a can of worms-they might be poisoness

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5 hours ago, PLS21 said:

I am very very glad your DH said no to your suggestion. It would've been very painful especially since you have no rights to those children. Grandparents rights are an iffy thing and do have a list of 'haves' in order for to be an actual case. Her being married and you have never met these children and don't have an relationship with them would make your case irrelevant. And trying to go through with that could potentially ruin your other AC/SAC's relationship with you.

I'm not saying this to be mean, but to bring some reality to your suggestion. You'd be wasting money, time, and possibly forfeiting good relationships and saying goodbye at ever having a chance of a relationship with your step daughter and her children.

Have you ever tried reaching out to her? To just try to have a relationship JUST with her? No mention of the GC?

 

No I've never tried. I want to, but My husband forbids it - it was made clear from the start, but over time the not knowing is hard for me.  I can understand the legal points, but thank you for pointing them out. 

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6 hours ago, Grannygreensmith said:

I'm happy I found this group because I am a new member and it makes me very sad.  It's hard for me to talk about this with others offline. 

I am not a grandmother YET but I am the step mother of my husbands adult children,  two are wonderful, but the other one I have never met. 

Im honestly not sure why, but she and my darling husband have been estranged Since she was very young. On one side I can't imagine how she can be so cruel, as my husband is a wonderful man, although i do admit my curiosity has got the better of me many times.

Her siblings won't divulge the full story about what happened to me, (except to adamantly insist in a blanket statement type way that she wasn't in the wrong and it's not their place to discuss it - she has obviously told them to say it) and my husband gets quite angry when I try to ask about her. She's a black sheep for sure. I must admit I often feel left out of the loop. Being a step Mum is hard.

Over the past few years I have found out Through a combination of family gossip ( and i sadly admit looking on the Facebook by her and her husband!!) that she is now married and had 3 children in close succession. It's very hard for me not to be a part of their life. I can only imagine how her father feels, missing out on his grandbabies. I suggested we get a lawyer and try to fight for access rights to his grandchildren but he decided it would be too painful. 

Luckily this year my darling sons wife will have my first grandbaby! I hope this will help fill the void in my heart somewhat. 

We are so excited about this year!!! I hope good things will come.

 

Granny, I think it's so kind and loving of you to care about your estranged SD and your DH's relationship w/ her. And the fact that he's missing out on knowing her kids. It's beautiful, too, IMO, that you, yourself, would like "to be a part of their life."

But I agree that you're better off not reaching out to her if DH is against it. Doing so is only likely to cause a rift between you and him and chances are, sad to say, she would rebuff you , anyhow, thinking you were doing it for him.

I'm going to chime in, also, w/ those who say that seeking Grandparents' Rights would/could be a very tricky thing (not to mention very expensive), for all the reasons PPs (previous posters) have given. Not to mention that if, as an ED/ESD (estranged daughter, etc.), she lives at a distance (and I imagine she does), the laws where she lives would apply, not the laws where you live, if that's of any importance. Besides, of course, it's DH''s call. As painful as it might be, I think he made the right one.

Clearly, the topic is too hurtful for any family members to talk about and the other siblings may be acting out of loyalty to their sister, as you suggest. No doubt, it's frustrating to you not to know what happened and, perhaps, unfortunately, makes you feel a little shut out. I'm sure no one means to make you feel that way,however - they just want to leave the past in the past, for whatever reasons. Also, as DP suggests, this may be a can or worms you really don't want to open.

But hey, you have a very exciting year ahead of you, what w/ your new GC coming and so on! Do you think you can just focus on the present and future and not worry about a past that doesn't really impact you? It might be better for all if you do/can. :)

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Dark princess, I have occasionally thought of the worst case situation and I sometimes feel some unease about it. I wonder if he may have some trauma? 

It's just hard for me because what my husband has said about her and what siblings and all other family members say don't add up. It's like hearing about two completely different people. I choose to trust my husband on this, of course, but the radio silence on the subject is incredibly awkward. I can't even bring up her name without him getting upset.

While some will say it's none of my business i really feel quite left out of a large portion of my husbands life - I feel that in this issue there is a big part of him I don't know about, like a past life. I am always very direct and honest and don't like secrets.  

I suppose letting sleeping dogs lie is sound advice, but it's a very large dog we are tiptoeing around. 

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3 hours ago, Grannygreensmith said:

No I've never tried. I want to, but My husband forbids it - it was made clear from the start, but over time the not knowing is hard for me.  I can understand the legal points, but thank you for pointing them out. 

I want say this kindly bc you are clearly a nice person and you seem genuinely thrilled by your step-kids as family, which is lovely. I am an adult step child myself; I adore my step-parents (who have been in my life since I was a child) and they are beloved, excellent grandparents to my kids. Congrats on your coming grand baby!! I'm sure you'll make a great grandma!

Estranged step-daughter (who is an absolute stranger to you) is not your adult child. Her children are not your grandchildren. Your husband and step-children have made your place in the obviously nasty situation crystal clear to you and none of your business to reach out to her to for any kind of relationship. Period.

I do understand it's a sad notion and why it would bother you that your husband is estranged from is adult child so completely and that he has been keeping this secret from you, refusing to clarify this family dynamic. That would give me pause, as well, and would sow serious doubts in my mind about my spouse. I am also not a fan of secrets. However, honestly I don't understand why this is so difficult for you personally, apart from the mystery And the trust issues it raises with your husband. This woman and her children are literal strangers to you and you risk opening a nasty, painful, ugly and traumatic can of worms if you keep pressing this issue for your own curiosity. People aren't estranged from their father and siblings, with the entire family virtually refusing to speak on the estranged person, simply bc they have oil and water personalities or differences in politics. It's always ery bad, in one direction or another.

If your husbands lack of transparency is what bothers you, as it should, I think, then you need to attend marital counseling together to work through the issue together. Or just end the marriage, if it's so overwhelmingly a concern. Or let it go, if it's not that great of a concern to you, but the amateur sleuthing and refusal to respect this boundary for both your husband and your step-kids (including the estranged step daughter) is going to get you into serious trouble.

I am sorry if that hurts to hear. I don't mean to be hurtful, but you really have no business turning over these stones for your own curiosity and emotional edification. 

Edited by Skatie
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19 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Dark princess, I have occasionally thought of the worst case situation and I sometimes feel some unease about it. I wonder if he may have some trauma? 

It's just hard for me because what my husband has said about her and what siblings and all other family members say don't add up. It's like hearing about two completely different people. I choose to trust my husband on this, of course, but the radio silence on the subject is incredibly awkward. I can't even bring up her name without him getting upset.

While some will say it's none of my business i really feel quite left out of a large portion of my husbands life - I feel that in this issue there is a big part of him I don't know about, like a past life. I am always very direct and honest and don't like secrets.  

I suppose letting sleeping dogs lie is sound advice, but it's a very large dog we are tiptoeing around. 

You might be a better person than I, because I would not have let sleeping dogs lie. I don't think I would have married a man who wouldn't tell me. Having an estranged child is a very big thing in a person's life. If the answer is relatively simple-ex wife had custody and caused parental alienation or I loaned her $10,000 and she refuses to pay it back then why wouldn't they say it. It must not be something simple and that would make me wonder about what happened and my husband's role in it. 

My uncle is a registered pedaphile, he played scrabble with his step daughter when she was a teenager. We see him occassionally at weddings and funerals and the occasional family event. He has been through treatment, served time, sincerely apologized and now speaks to others in jail to convince then to get treatment. A success story if there ever was one. But My family don't talk about what happened very much No one will allow a child, teen, or young women to be alone in the same room with him. Each of us goes out of our way to make sure he doesn't share a couch with someone, isn't in a room alone with someone, etc. Actually he will leave the room first if it looks like he might be left alone with a young women. But when my brother got married his new wife noticed our slightly odd behavior and asked my brother what was going on. He figured they rarely saw each other so he didn't want to talk about it. She asked my mom who was embarrassed and uncomfortable and also avoided telling her. She came to me and  told me no one else would talk so I told her the whole story. She had a right to know, not just because she would occassionally see him, or she might have kids who might see him but also because she deserved to know how our family dealt with the issue (quietly ignoring it and hiding it) so she could decide how to deal with her in laws. 

Im glad i am not keeping things secret. Since then I discovered other secrets that are in my family-my father was storing a gun at his house where the grandkids sometimes play-he didn't tell us because it was temporary and he didn't want the kids to not be allowed to come over. My sister began dating a someone addicted to OxyContin. He started stealing painkillers from our bathroom when he visited. Me and SIL now don't keep these family secrets, we face them head on, tell each other, so we can decide how we want to deal with it. For example my kids don't play in anyone's house if their is a gun that is not in a lockbox. All my medicine is now in a locked medicine cabinet. I also recognize that my family will hide information so I ask direct questions and if the answers are Wishy-washy or avoided I recognize there might be a problem and I need to be hypervigilant with me and my children.

if I were you I would likely bring up the subject again and point out that if they continue to keep this a secret you will continue to wonder and at some point your imagination is going to go to some pretty bad places. It is likely better they just tell you what happened and then all of you can continue to not talk about it.

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2 hours ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Dark princess, I have occasionally thought of the worst case situation and I sometimes feel some unease about it. I wonder if he may have some trauma? 

It's just hard for me because what my husband has said about her and what siblings and all other family members say don't add up. It's like hearing about two completely different people. I choose to trust my husband on this, of course, but the radio silence on the subject is incredibly awkward. I can't even bring up her name without him getting upset.

So some things have been said, after all, even if very little. And there seems to be some discrepancies. That could just mean that there are different POVs (points of view), which can, of course, happen in any situation. Or it could mean that one side isn't telling the entire truth. I don't blame you for trusting DH on this. That's generally the way to go if you want to keep the marriage strong.

While some will say it's none of my business i really feel quite left out of a large portion of my husbands life - I feel that in this issue there is a big part of him I don't know about, like a past life. I am always very direct and honest and don't like secrets.  

I totally get this ^^^!

I suppose letting sleeping dogs lie is sound advice, but it's a very large dog we are tiptoeing around. 

Point taken. Thinking it over, I suppose it's kind of like having a spouse neglect to tell you they were married before or refuse to tell you why divorce occurred.  Have you told DH how you feel about this?

 

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Grannygreensmith, your problem is with your husband.

He's keeping secrets from you.

That, not his daughter, should be your focus. She and her family are strangers to you. You have no connection to them, legal or otherwise. I would strongly advise leaving them alone, including the Facebook snooping, and focusing on your husband. That he would hide this from you would be a massive concern.

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4 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

YoGrannygreensmith, your problem is with your husband.

He's keeping secrets from you.

That, not his daughter, should be your focus. She and her family are strangers to you. You have no connection to them, legal or otherwise. I would strongly advise leaving them alone, including the Facebook snooping, and focusing on your husband. That he would hide this from you would be a massive concern.

Granny, it's possible that DH just finds this situation very painful to talk about. But, IMO, he needs to consider your feelings, too. You're not just a new person on the scene, your his wife.

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16 hours ago, Skatie said:

I want say this kindly bc you are clearly a nice person and you seem genuinely thrilled by your step-kids as family, which is lovely. I am an adult step child myself; I adore my step-parents (who have been in my life since I was a child) and they are beloved, excellent grandparents to my kids. Congrats on your coming grand baby!! I'm sure you'll make a great grandma!

Estranged step-daughter (who is an absolute stranger to you) is not your adult child. Her children are not your grandchildren. Your husband and step-children have made your place in the obviously nasty situation crystal clear to you and none of your business to reach out to her to for any kind of relationship. Period.

I do understand it's a sad notion and why it would bother you that your husband is estranged from his adult child so completely and that he has been keeping this secret from you, refusing to clarify this family dynamic. That would give me pause, as well, and would sow serious doubts in my mind about my spouse. I am also not a fan of secrets. However, honestly, I don't understand why this is so difficult for you personally, apart from the mystery And the trust issues it raises with your husband. This woman and her children are literal strangers to you and you risk opening a nasty, painful, ugly and traumatic can of worms if you keep pressing this issue for your own curiosity. People aren't estranged from their father and siblings, with the entire family virtually refusing to speak on the estranged person, simply bc they have oil and water personalities or differences in politics. It's always ery bad, in one direction or another.

If your husbands lack of transparency is what bothers you, as it should, I think, then you need to attend marital counseling together to work through the issue together. Or just end the marriage, if it's so overwhelmingly a concern. Or let it go, if it's not that great of a concern to you, but the amateur sleuthing and refusal to respect this boundary for both your husband and your step-kids (including the estranged step daughter) is going to get you into serious trouble.

I am sorry if that hurts to hear. I don't mean to be hurtful, but you really have no business turning over these stones for your own curiosity and emotional edification. 

9

I completely agree with this. You say they have been estranged since she was "very young". How young are we talking? Was she still a minor? I wouldn't be so sure that the other two Adult Step-Children are wording their responses due to a request from their sister. Have you considered it might be their true opinion based upon what they know of the event(s)? It does sound like they discussed with each other what to say to you. If there was an agreement with anyone else - my guess it was with their Dad, not their sister. The sister has no idea what they say to you. It sounds like they promised their Dad they would not share any details of what happened but that they also refused to throw their sister under the bus. Think about it - if the two siblings really thought the estranged sister was equally/mostly/fully to blame for the estrangement - why would they do this favor for their sister?  I doubt the sister even cares what they tell you, or if she is still angry enough she might even wish they would tell you the full story. Not giving you any information doesn't protect the sister - it protects their Dad.

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10 minutes ago, PinkRedYellow said:

I completely agree with this. You say they have been estranged since she was "very young". How young are we talking? Was she still a minor? I wouldn't be so sure that the other two Adult Step-Children are wording their responses due to a request from their sister. Have you considered it might be their true opinion based upon what they know of the event(s)? It does sound like they discussed with each other what to say to you. If there was an agreement with anyone else - my guess it was with their Dad, not their sister. The sister has no idea what they say to you. It sounds like they promised their Dad they would not share any details of what happened but that they also refused to throw their sister under the bus. Think about it - if the two siblings really thought the estranged sister was equally/mostly/fully to blame for the estrangement - why would they do this favor for their sister?  I doubt the sister even cares what they tell you, or if she is still angry enough she might even wish they would tell you the full story. Not giving you any information doesn't protect the sister - it protects their Dad.

This.

I was thinking about it as well, and wondered how old the AC were when you married their Dad/how long you've been married for.

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Thank you everyone, so many kind responses. You have given me a lot to think about - I shall let it sink in for a few days. 

I agree I need to stop thinking about it so much - it's really none of my business. We are currently in therapy, but havnt got round to this issue yet. We have been Married just under 5 years, and I hoped very much i could meet her when we married, but unfortunately my DH said he didn't want her to come. Of course I should have got all these answers bsfore but it was a very passionate love affair and I got a bit caught up in the moment.

I guess I feel a little let down by him, he has very much played it down from the start.

Pinkredyellow - in response to your question she was still a minor, around 15 I believe. I think actually she cut him off, from what has been inferred to me but he is a very proud man, which is why I believe this keeps going on. 

And I have often wondered about her siblings Too - they are very good questions.

It is very confusing for me at times, but I'm going to try to make an effort to stop getting so emotionally involved - after all, as you kindly mentioned, we have lots of other exciting things this year!! 

 

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On 9/14/2016 at 8:05 AM, Grannygreensmith said:

I am the step mother of my husbands adult children,  two are wonderful, but the other one I have never met. 

Im honestly not sure why, but she and my darling husband have been estranged Since she was very young. On one side I can't imagine how she can be so cruel, as my husband is a wonderful man, although i do admit my curiosity has got the better of me many times.

Her siblings won't divulge the full story about what happened to me, (except to adamantly insist in a blanket statement type way that she wasn't in the wrong and it's not their place to discuss it - she has obviously told them to say it) and my husband gets quite angry when I try to ask about her. So quit. She's a black sheep for sure. Nope. I must admit I often feel left out of the loop. Being a step Mum is hard.

Over the past few years I have found out Through a combination of family gossip ( and i sadly admit looking on the Facebook by her and her husband!!) that she is now married and had 3 children in close succession. It's very hard for me not to be a part of their life. Why? You don't know these people. I can only imagine how her father feels, missing out on his grandbabies. I suggested we get a lawyer and try to fight for access rights to his grandchildren but he decided it would be too painful. Thank goodness he has some sense.

Luckily this year my darling sons wife will have my first grandbaby! I hope this will help fill the void in my heart somewhat. Void?

I agree with the others - this mess with your husband's daughter is not your business. Stay out of it.
 
However, I feel differently than the others in that I don't think you have any need to know.  Our DD is divorced with kids, I don't feel that she owes anyone any explanation, not her siblings, not any future husband. Her kids are going to have to know a bit of the story eventually. As they age some is being revealed, nobody else ever needs to know. My sister is divorced, he's a jerk and we all get along anyway. Her kids and siblings (me included) don't know why that happened, no idea, none of our business. My brother is divorced and married to a lovely woman. My SisIL has no need to know about his X, nor does she need to speak to her (step)daughter about the divorce and DB's X. None of her business.
 
ETA: Five years? You've been married 5 years. His DD has 3 kids and is likely at least 25-30 and you care about her kids? Why? What in the world have her kids to do with you?
 
Actually, I take back what I said - maybe you do need to know what he did to his daughter.
 
Edited by JanelleK
spacing, remove nobody and other Grandma
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2 hours ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Thank you everyone, so many kind responses. You have given me a lot to think about - I shall let it sink in for a few days. 

I agree I need to stop thinking about it so much - it's really none of my business. We are currently in therapy, but havnt got round to this issue yet. We have been Married just under 5 years, and I hoped very much i could meet her when we married, but unfortunately my DH said he didn't want her to come. Of course I should have got all these answers bsfore but it was a very passionate love affair and I got a bit caught up in the moment.

I guess I feel a little let down by him, he has very much played it down from the start.

Pinkredyellow - in response to your question she was still a minor, around 15 I believe. I think actually she cut him off, from what has been inferred to me but he is a very proud man, which is why I believe this keeps going on. 

And I have often wondered about her siblings Too - they are very good questions.

It is very confusing for me at times, but I'm going to try to make an effort to stop getting so emotionally involved - after all, as you kindly mentioned, we have lots of other exciting things this year!! 

 

I'm genuinely confused and concerned.

You've been married less than 5 years, and the children of your husband's daughter, that you've never met, have left a void in your heart. To the degree that you suggested GPR.

You talk of your 'darling son's wife having my first grandbaby'.

I want to just caution you a bit. You're fairly new in their lives. I don't know where their mother is, but they may not see your role in the lives of their children the same way you do. Many folks, who's parents remarry after they're adults, do struggle with their parent's new spouse, and the role they play when it comes to their children.

There is a difference, for a number of people, btwn, "My father's wife" and "My step mother". I'm not sure where you're at in that continuum, from *their* perspective, but it definitely matters, esp when it comes to the relationship w/their children.

I just don't want you having expectations that aren't met, and being hurt.

Edited by ImpishMom
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7 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

I'm genuinely confused and concerned.

You've been married less than 5 years, and the children of your husband's daughter, that you've never met, have left a void in your heart. To the degree that you suggestion GPR.

You talk of your 'darling son's wife having my first grandbaby'.

I want to just caution you a bit. You're fairly new in their lives. I don't know where their mother is, but they may not see your role in the lives of their children the same way you do. Many folks, who's parents remarry after they're adults, do struggle with their parent's new spouse, and the role they play when it comes to their children.

There is a difference, for a number of people, btwn, "My father's wife" and "My step mother". I'm not sure where you're at in that continuum, from *their* perspective, but it definitely matters, esp when it comes to the relationship w/their children.

I just don't want you having expectations that aren't met, and being hurt.

 

I agree with all of this - however, I believe the baby on the way is her biological son's.

Grannygreensmith - do your other stepchildren have any children of their own?

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3 minutes ago, PinkRedYellow said:

I agree with all of this - however, I believe the baby on the way is her biological son's.

Grannygreensmith - do your other stepchildren have any children of their own?

From the OP, the only AC she mentioned were her husband's, so I'm under the impression that Grannygreensmith doesn't have AC of her own.

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In a post in Grandparents without grandchildren, she said this is her biological son and wife expecting.

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8 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

In a post in Grandparents without grandchildren, she said this is her biological son and wife expecting.

Sorry, I can't find that thread, so only had this one to go by.

ETA: Found one in Newcomers thread. 

Sorry for the misunderstanding, but since only stepkids were mentioned in this thread, I didn't realize that she was talking about different ppl.

 

Edited by ImpishMom

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My mistake....it is in Autumn Babies.

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1 hour ago, ImpishMom said:

Sorry, I can't find that thread, so only had this one to go by.

I couldn't understand this set of posts on this thread regarding GC either. Now I see the other post referencing 3 bio AC.

 

 
Edited by JanelleK
SueSTx 5g. And me to remove reference

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The reason I didn't paste her other post is because guideline 5g prohibits copying and pasting a user's posts from one section of Grandparents.com to any other, and from any other blog or forum site online.

You'll have to look under New Grandparents forum for the August babies thread to read her post.

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