• Announcements

    • LatoyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LatoyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
RoseRed135

If you've been cut off by your adult son or daughter and family... possible triggers...

168 posts in this topic

1 minute ago, SueSTx said:

The reason I didn't paste her other post is because guideline 5g prohibits copying and pasting a user's posts from one section of Grandparents.com to any other, and from any other blog or forum site online.

You'll have to look under New Grandparents forum for the August babies thread to read her post.

I found it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If anyone else wants to check that out, it's in this thread:

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

From the OP, the only AC she mentioned were her husband's, so I'm under the impression that Grannygreensmith doesn't have AC of her own.

I'm sorry, I was not very clear. Yes I do have my own sons and my daughter in law is due at the end of fall. Which is terribly exciting indeed!!! 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Grannygreensmith - I've already said congratulations  to you and DH, elsewhere - but congrats and best wishes to the parents, of course! Hope DIL is enjoying an easy pregnancy and that she will have an easy delivery, as well! ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

@Grannygreensmith - I've already said congratulations  to you and DH, elsewhere - but congrats and best wishes to the parents, of course! Hope DIL is enjoying an easy pregnancy and that she will have an easy delivery, as well! ;)

Thank you rosered135!

 

Actually one of the reasons I wanted to join a grandparents community was because I have lots of things I don't understand about pregnancy nowadays. 

 

My son and his wife are  going to be "older parents" and am not so young now, so perhaps a generation gap, but everything is so different and the way young people expect us to behave is so different than I was with my own family and in laws. Their way of thinking can be quite strange for me, yet I will keep my mouth firmly closed and my tongue firmly bitten on the matter.

But it I suspect I should start a new line for those questions. 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
50 minutes ago, Grannygreensmith said:

Thank you rosered135!

 

Actually one of the reasons I wanted to join a grandparents community was because I have lots of things I don't understand about pregnancy nowadays. 

 

My son and his wife are  going to be "older parents" and am not so young now, so perhaps a generation gap, but everything is so different and the way young people expect us to behave is so different than I was with my own family and in laws. Their way of thinking can be quite strange for me, yet I will keep my mouth firmly closed and my tongue firmly bitten on the matter.

But it I suspect I should start a new line for those questions. 

Best thing anyone can tell you? Follow their lead.

 

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My son and DIL just had a new boy to join their 7 yr old daughter.  DIL was really fussy about all things baby the first time, but she had been trained in early childhood and had a day care background.  WOW this time is so relaxed.  They were some what older parents the first time, but many of their friends are currently adding to their own family's also.

If DIL should ask my opinion, I always say I'm sure you and Dad can figure it out OR call the doctors office, things have changed so much I wouldn't venture a guess.  I have been known to tell her how great a mom she is, but I'm not gushy either.

I have a very good relationship with my DIL, it must be working. 

Edited by SueSTx
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Grannygreensmith said:

 I have lots of things I don't understand about pregnancy nowadays. 

My son and his wife are  going to be "older parents" and am not so young now, so perhaps a generation gap, but everything is so different and the way young people expect us to behave is so different than I was with my own family and in laws. Their way of thinking can be quite strange for me, yet I will keep my mouth firmly closed and my tongue firmly bitten on the matter.

I don't believe much has changed since we had our kids (44-31 yrs ago), except different new gear. Little stuff has changed (with good reasons): back sleeping, rear facing car seats, no blankets in the crib, no bumper-pads, and now you know. We parented just like our folks did, except mil wanted to wrap the kids up in fluff to keep them safe (did that with her son as well). Our kids parent the same.

No big deal. No big changes. You'll do fine, just respect their choices without any questioning.

 

 

 

Edited by JanelleK
space

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Then again, IMO, what seems like "little stuff" to some is "big stuff" to others. Whether or not newborns are put to sleep on their backs or their tummies , for example, is, I suppose, a "small change" in a way. But let a GP lay a crying baby on their stomach "just for a few minutes" or "until they fall asleep," and Mom and Dad may read them the riot act! Then it doesn't seem so small. Same if GP decides to throw a blanket over GB (especially a heavy one) b/c GP thinks GB is "cold."

Still, Granny, I agree that "you'll do fine" if you just respect the parents choices, no matter how different they may be from the ones you made as a young mom. Please trust that their decisions will be made, based on new knowledge and ideas and not out of ignorance. You're very wise not to plan to give advice (unless, perhaps, asked). Please just focus on enjoying that baby. And if something really perplexes you, feel free to ask us about it.

You might also want to check out the following thread in New GPs:

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
27 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

Then again, IMO, what seems like "little stuff" to some is "big stuff" to others. Whether or not newborns are put to sleep on their backs or their tummies , for example, is, I suppose, a "small change" in a way. But let a GP lay a crying baby on their stomach "just for a few minutes" or "until they fall asleep," and Mom and Dad may read them the riot act! Then it doesn't seem so small. Same if GP decides to throw a blanket over GB (especially a heavy one) b/c GP thinks GB is "cold."

Still, Granny, I agree that "you'll do fine" if you just respect the parents choices, no matter how different they may be from the ones you made as a young mom. Please trust that their decisions will be made, based on new knowledge and ideas and not out of ignorance. You're very wise not to plan to give advice (unless, perhaps, asked). Please just focus on enjoying that baby. And if something really perplexes you, feel free to ask us about it.

You might also want to check out the following thread in New GPs:

 

 

But those aren't big things...if the grandparent respects what the parent says, rather than insisting they know better/do what they want, regardless.

Basic rule of thumb: You did things *your* way with *your* children. AC/CIL will do things *their* way with *their* children. Respect that. 

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Our DD  wanted to put our GDD in Foster Care and we took her in instead. as Foster Parents.  My SIL who adopted her treated her with a different set of rules once they had 3 CHD of their own. We watched over the yrs as she did what she had to do, or got punished for, and the 3 of them did not get punished  for as they go older. She started to act out as most teens do, coming in late, not coming home on time, etc. All she really wanted was  my DD to love her again as she did before the other 3 came along, not more love but the same love. My husband and I watched this for yrs and it broke our hearts.

Needless to say we our not able to see those 3 GCD, my SIL says the families will never be repaired again . AND HE'S THE BOSS.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Grandmother in US tragically affected by Mexico violence does not know how to cope with situation.

I have 6 grandchildren, 2 are in a bad situation and I have helped till my marriage almost ended, to do more is to continue behind my husbands back.  My heart breaks, help please.  I remarried a man who is not the father of my children, they were adults when we married.  This man willingly and reluctantly has helped my family many times, his world was a step up financially for me, but our savings is gone, but we do live comfortably in a nice home month to month. One adult child , who is now believed to be dead, (he was missing for 8 yrs). leaving behind at the time, a toddler and a new born.  My grandchildren.  He was kidnapped and brought to Mexico by cartel and was introduced to this life by the woman he married and had 2 children with.  I also know because he called from the trunk when it happened, that she set it up.  I know she did it to avoid a contract being carried out on my then 2 yr old granddaughter.  So I have always tried to stay involved with her and my grandchildren.  While my son was alive, I had over a couple years given them 17000. To survive, it almost cost my marriage.   With my son missing, these last 8 years have been trying to help them survive.  I sent money, even my jewelry to sell for them to survive.  She remarried , but the financial drain on me never has.  My husband wants me to have no contact, mainly because the one grandchild is already exhibiting violence and at 10 yrs old I received my first request to bail him out ( he busted Windows on someone's car), she was told otherwise he will be in the juvenile system.  When I wrote and told her that I will not now or ever start bailing him out, she cut me off.  We are now in debt and I feel guilty knowing she receives no child support.  But I have been down this rode before and frankly the families connection to Mexico Cartel frightens me, my husband and even my other two kids do not want their kids to bond with them.  The grandkids believe I am rich and don't love them...compared to their world We do well.   Now I feel tremendous guilt. I cannot change their lives.... And the more I gave the more she expected. Every other month is a emergency.  I know she will contact me again and I know if I can't give money she will really make me feel awful.   I am worried, and afraid... But it's Not the kids fault. What do I do?

 

Anonymous poster hash: 305a0...8a9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

New member/incognito...I am so sorry you have found our site under such dire circumstances, but glad we are able to chat with you.

I can't imagine a two year old child having a contract on his life nor a mother setting up her husband to save her child.  I am trying to understand why you feel guilty for the mother of your grandchildren not receiving child support when she is at least partly responsible for his demise.  I can understand your husband not wanting a violent preteen in your life or the lives of the rest of your grandchildren.  I haven't a clue who/why your former DIL is connected to the Mexican Cartel, but that would scare me also.

I think many foreigners think all Americans are rich and I suppose we do appear so compared to the may many of them exist seemingly day to day.

As for your guilt, is it possible for you to go to counseling to help you realize there probably isn't any thing you can do further for these two grandkids?  I know the kids are in no way at fault for their past, but if the oldest is beginning to get in trouble, it may be too late to prevent future Cartel connections there.

Prayer is my way to cope with stress in my life, but I in no way have any stress compared to yours.  My prayers for you and these kids (if that is OK with you).

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, godsgifts said:

Our DD  wanted to put our GDD in Foster Care and we took her in instead. as Foster Parents.  My SIL who adopted her treated her with a different set of rules once they had 3 CHD of their own. We watched over the yrs as she did what she had to do, or got punished for, and the 3 of them did not get punished  for as they go older. She started to act out as most teens do, coming in late, not coming home on time, etc. All she really wanted was  my DD to love her again as she did before the other 3 came along, not more love but the same love. My husband and I watched this for yrs and it broke our hearts.

Needless to say we our not able to see those 3 GCD, my SIL says the families will never be repaired again . AND HE'S THE BOSS.

I'm so sorry to hear that it has come to this, gifts. No doubt, SIL (and DD too?) was (were?) angry at you and DH regarding the conflicts over GDD, but it's sad that it has impacted your relationship w/ the other 3 kids. I your mentioning this, previously, but I thought by now he/they would have relented a little bit. Obviously not.... sigh...

Do you still get to see the older girl? How is she doing?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

Grandmother in US tragically affected by Mexico violence does not know how to cope with situation.

I have 6 grandchildren, 2 are in a bad situation and I have helped till my marriage almost ended, to do more is to continue behind my husbands back.  My heart breaks, help please.  I remarried a man who is not the father of my children, they were adults when we married.  This man willingly and reluctantly has helped my family many times, his world was a step up financially for me, but our savings is gone, but we do live comfortably in a nice home month to month. One adult child , who is now believed to be dead, (he was missing for 8 yrs). leaving behind at the time, a toddler and a new born.  My grandchildren.  He was kidnapped and brought to Mexico by cartel and was introduced to this life by the woman he married and had 2 children with.  I also know because he called from the trunk when it happened, that she set it up.  I know she did it to avoid a contract being carried out on my then 2 yr old granddaughter.  So I have always tried to stay involved with her and my grandchildren.  While my son was alive, I had over a couple years given them 17000. To survive, it almost cost my marriage.   With my son missing, these last 8 years have been trying to help them survive.  I sent money, even my jewelry to sell for them to survive.  She remarried , but the financial drain on me never has.  My husband wants me to have no contact, mainly because the one grandchild is already exhibiting violence and at 10 yrs old I received my first request to bail him out ( he busted Windows on someone's car), she was told otherwise he will be in the juvenile system.  When I wrote and told her that I will not now or ever start bailing him out, she cut me off.  We are now in debt and I feel guilty knowing she receives no child support.  But I have been down this rode before and frankly the families connection to Mexico Cartel frightens me, my husband and even my other two kids do not want their kids to bond with them.  The grandkids believe I am rich and don't love them...compared to their world We do well.   Now I feel tremendous guilt. I cannot change their lives.... And the more I gave the more she expected. Every other month is a emergency.  I know she will contact me again and I know if I can't give money she will really make me feel awful.   I am worried, and afraid... But it's Not the kids fault. What do I do?

 

Anonymous poster hash: 305a0...8a9

Wow. There's a lot to take in here, Incognito  Like Sue, I'm not familiar w/ this type of situation and am having difficulty wrapping my head around some of it.

I do know it must have been horrifying to get a call from your DS (dear son) from the trunk of a car. And it must hurt terribly to have him missing for so many years. No doubt, it's painful for DIL or the 2 children, also. But, clearly, you can't really fix that, nor are you obligated to do so.

I'm sorry this situation has taken a toll on your marriage. Your DH (dear husband) has been more than generous, IMO, no matter how reluctantly, and I can understand why he doesn't want to give any more money. Again, as Sue points out, there's no reason for you to feel guilty over the lack of child support. Still, I realize emotions aren't always rational and you're concerned about your GC (grandchildren).

As for the 10-yr-old, I'm not surprised that he has started to act out, especially given the situation. I don't blame you for not beginning a pattern of bailing him out though. Nor am I sure why his mom can't do it if that's what she feels needs to be done.

I feel for these kids, but I totally get why DH and your other AC (adult children) don't want to be involved w/ them or have the other GC "bond with them." Too many dangers. What I don't get is how you know for sure that your GC in Mexico "believe (you're) rich and don't love them." Did they tell you this? Or their mom? If it was she, can you believe her or is this just manipulation?

Regardless, I know it's "Not the kids fault" - but it's not your fault either, and IMO, there clearly isn't too much you can do to truly help them. They need counseling and perhaps some kind of social services - whatever is available where they live. But... sigh... you have no control over that.

I agree w/ Sue that it would be a good idea to seek some counseling for yourself to help you cope, etc. My thoughts and prayers (if ok) will be w/ you, as well...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/17/2016 at 8:16 PM, RoseRed135 said:

Then again, IMO, what seems like "little stuff" to some is "big stuff" to others. Whether or not newborns are put to sleep on their backs or their tummies , for example, is, I suppose, a "small change" in a way.

But let a GP lay a crying baby on their stomach "just for a few minutes" or "until they fall asleep," and Mom and Dad may read them the riot act! Then it doesn't seem so small.

I've been thinking about what you wrote off and on, while watching a defiant 2 year old.

I said "Baby, please come away from the edge of the pool, the big kids are splashing and you may fall down on the concrete trying to run away" She said "NO, meee playeee" (she likes eee). I said "Baby, come, now, please, I'll play with you over here" She said "NO, meee playeee hereee".

I snatched her up, we went in the house to work for a long while. I won't be told no by a 2 year old.

Why in the name of all that's Holy would I not expect better of a 62 year old, one who presumably had 60 years to learn what "please don't" means? Seriously. IF a parent tells GP once what they expect (tiny change: no tummy sleeping, for example), shouldn't that end all discussion?

Wouldn't GP want to do what the parents desire?

And if the answer is: no GP will ignore these tiny changes and do as they wish, why is that?

Why doesn't GP deserve the riot-act or VLC? They just became GPwhoNobodyCanTrust.

Frankly, GPs who want to babysit and playeee? Oh, do I have a deal for you.

 

 

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135
to remove unnecessary link that Janelle tried to remove and couldn't
2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Note from RoseRed" Possible triggers from here on...

Thank you everyone.  My son met his wife from roughest area of Mexico while visiting brother at us army base.this was around 2002 before what was happening in Mexico was becoming obvious in US.  This was When non Hispanic Americans were also forced into joining or they or their family died.  Her families ties are common where she is from, you are one or your related at the least. I feel her desperation, even if she is playing me, she is of desperation. I outlined boundaries I had to stay within before with her I spend equal on grandkids birthday and Christmas presents But in the past she would have them call me to ask for money and it's always an emergency.  Hubby has made me vow no more. And he is not responsible for any of this.  The ten year old is mean to animals, plays with fire and wets the bed. The famous triad.  The girl is 12 and nice, she has expressed her feeling not as cared for as my others.  But I don't want to feel like I turned my back on them, but I literally know I am at a disadvantage here.    I need prayers, do they every day.  The cartel who grabbed him were considered the most vicious of all

Edited by RoseRed135
to add trigger notice

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A post in this thread has been hidden, due to privacy concerns. It may or may not be restored.

New Member, I've sent you a PM (private/personal message). To find it, just click on the Messenger button w/ the envelope on it in the upper right corner. Thank you. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is heartbroken one ( incognito). Feel free to use user name

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Heartbroken, your post has been restored.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On September 18, 2016 at 4:14 PM, SueSTx said:

New member/incognito...I am so sorry you have found our site under such dire circumstances, but glad we are able to chat with you.

I can't imagine a two year old child having a contract on his life nor a mother setting up her husband to save her child.  I am trying to understand why you feel guilty for the mother of your grandchildren not receiving child support when she is at least partly responsible for his demise.  I can understand your husband not wanting a violent preteen in your life or the lives of the rest of your grandchildren.  I haven't a clue who/why your former DIL is connected to the Mexican Cartel, but that would scare me also.

I think many foreigners think all Americans are rich and I suppose we do appear so compared to the may many of them exist seemingly day to day.

As for your guilt, is it possible for you to go to counseling to help you realize there probably isn't any thing you can do further for these two grandkids?  I know the kids are in no way at fault for their past, but if the oldest is beginning to get in trouble, it may be too late to prevent future Cartel connections there.

Prayer is my way to cope with stress in my life, but I in no way have any stress compared to yours.  My prayers for you and these kids (if that is OK with you).

It is DIL family who is and has been for generations connected to the awful things happening in Mexico.  She avoids most of it, but it involves her siblings and older generation also.   I am in counseling but felt I needed more.  My grandson ( like my son) is a budding psychopath, my son was a Narcicist diagnosed which is why when he became involved with his wife I never knew what was true or not.  My grandsons dr. Feels the boy is set for disaster.  But how 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/19/2016 at 11:12 PM, Heartbroken1 said:

Note from RoseRed" Possible triggers from here on...

feel her desperation, even if she is playing me, she is of desperation. So very kind of you to understand.I outlined boundaries I had to stay within before with her I spend equal on grandkids birthday and Christmas presents Good! But in the past she would have them call me to ask for money and it's always an emergency.  Hubby has made me vow no more. And he is not responsible for any of this.  The ten year old is mean to animals, plays with fire and wets the bed. The famous triad.  The girl is 12 and nice, she has expressed her feeling not as cared for as my others.  But I don't want to feel like I turned my back on them, but I literally know I am at a disadvantage here.    I need prayers, do they every day.  The cartel who grabbed him were considered the most vicious of all

Heartbroken, once again, my own heart aches for you and yours. Saying more prayers for you and your family. (((Hugs!)))

3 hours ago, Heartbroken1 said:

It is DIL family who is and has been for generations connected to the awful things happening in Mexico.  She avoids most of it, but it involves her siblings and older generation also.   I am in counseling but felt I needed more.  Then I'm glad you came to reach out here... My grandson ( like my son) is a budding psychopath, my son was a Narcicist diagnosed which is why when he became involved with his wife I never knew what was true or not.  My grandsons dr. Feels the boy is set for disaster. Are you speaking of, say, a psychiatrist or his pediatrician or...??  But how

Was there more to this post? Did it "disappear" somehow/get "swallowed" by the Internet?

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

RoseRed135   Yes I do get to see my GDD because my DD threw her out for reporting my SIL of hitting my GDS in the eye, so again we took her in. She is now 18 and on her own.  Eight colleges accepted her, but no $ to help support her from them, and they are SO MEAN, not only did they empty her College Fund, they sent her the statement showing a zero balance.  Then my GDS denied it because he's afraid of my SIL. It's such a sad situation all around for her, it totally changed the course or path of her life. and she wants to be a nurse. I hope someday when my GDS is old enough he realizes what he did or caused. As always my heart is broken for her.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

godsgifts, did your GD look into federal grants etc?  As a young adult who has no financial support from her parents she could qualify for aid.  Maybe a community college in your area would allow her to still live with you.  Room and board is a huge expense for college.  My son attended one year and he is now an engineer.  He didn't have a college fund either but worked his way through.  I have a niece who got her RN degree for her local community college.

Edited by SueSTx
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, godsgifts said:

RoseRed135   Yes I do get to see my GDD because my DD threw her out for reporting my SIL of hitting my GDS in the eye, so again we took her in. She is now 18 and on her own.  Eight colleges accepted her, but no $ to help support her from them, and they are SO MEAN, not only did they empty her College Fund, they sent her the statement showing a zero balance.  Then my GDS denied it because he's afraid of my SIL. It's such a sad situation all around for her, it totally changed the course or path of her life. and she wants to be a nurse. I hope someday when my GDS is old enough he realizes what he did or caused. As always my heart is broken for her.

Sigh... so sorry about all this, gifts. Please pay careful attention to Sue's post above.

Glad GDD is free of that environment though, regardless. And I hope neither of you put any blame on GDS b/c he is, I take it, just a child. The only ones responsible for this mess, IMO, are DD and SIL.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now