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RoseRed135

If you've been cut off by your adult son or daughter and family... possible triggers...

168 posts in this topic

On ‎2‎/‎3‎/‎2016 at 5:17 AM, RoseRed135 said:

... or any other relative/IL you care about, how did it come about? And, if you will, how do you cope?

Hello...

I am NEW here.  Hope I am posting in the right place.

I am 71 and live alone in northeastern USA. I have an 11 y-o grandson in  NZ.  LOVE him to death and we get along wonderfully, WHEN I get to see him which is about once a year with some years skipped.

I have another son who just moved from CA to KS. He has a 3 y-o who i saw ONCE when he was 6 mos and a girl who will be year old next month, who i have never seen. My d-i-l sends pictures and had invited me to a one year birthday party, but those plans got cancelled.  I told her I still want to come out and see the kids. She says she wants me to but that my son doesn't want me to come!

So I just told d-i-l that I will fly out midweek, get a hotel and rent a car. She can bring the kids to my hotel or I can pick them up - take them to a park and out to eat. He will be at work anyhow!  I asked her to ask him if that's ok. I told her i don;t care if he doesn't want to se me, I want to see my grands!!

I think that's really all i can do except write the same to my son in an email.

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135
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19 minutes ago, Sadma said:

Hello...

I am NEW here.  Hope I am posting in the right place.

I am 71 and live alone in northeastern USA. I have an 11 y-o grandson in Wellington, NZ.  LOVE him to death and we get along wonderfully, WHEN I get to see him which is about once a year with some years skipped.

I have another son who just moved from CA to KS. He has a 3 y-o who i saw ONCE when he was 6 mos and a girl who will be year old next month, who i have never seen. My d-i-l sends pictures and had invited me to a one year birthday party, but those plans got cancelled.  I told her I still want to come out and see the kids. She says she wants me to but that my son doesn't want me to come!

So I just told d-i-l that I will fly out midweek, get a hotel and rent a car. She can bring the kids to my hotel or I can pick them up - take them to a park and out to eat. He will be at work anyhow!  I asked her to ask him if that's ok. I told her i don;t care if he doesn't want to se me, I want to see my grands!!

I think that's really all i can do except write the same to my son in an email.

 

 

Please don't do this.

For one, you're dividing their marriage, asking your DIL to go against her husband.

For two, these children don't know you. Please don't expect anyone to 'drop them off'. That would be terrifying for these kids.

Work on fixing the relationship w/your son, rather than trying to go around him to get at his children.

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I suppose i was unclear. 

1. I came here for SUPPORT, not a scolding (especially not one based on false assumption). 

2. My d-i-l INVITED me and says she wants me to come, but he doesn't. And i would only do it if he was OK with my doing it!! 

3. I never suggested dropping the kids off alone!  Of course that would be a horrific idea. I am not an idiot. I said that SHE could bring the kids to see me in my hotel or meet me in a park.   

I am giving her an option - IF HE IS OK WITH IT - for a visit that he does not have to be part of.

I have also offered for him to talk to me about whatever it is that is troubling him about me. That's all I can do. If he wants to stay mad at me and not tell me why, OH WELL.  He is able to talk to me when he wants money, but does not want me knowing where he is living!   So the last birthday check I sent the 3-y-o came back. 

BTW, this son is the same way with his brother and sister.  So, it's not me, it's HIM! he is very anti-social or has some other problem. His wife is at her wits end with him! 

I am seeking SUPPORT. Not judgement or a fix. Just some validating support!  

I hope I came to the right place for that?

Edited by Sadma

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I re-read my my post and see where I was unclear. I meant she and the kids could come to my hotel or I could take HER AND the kids to a park and out to eat.  I am 71 and raised three kids who are adults!  I was a la Leche League leader and a home-birther. I am a sensitive, thoughtful human being. 

But I did say that she invited me!

I am fully aware that I am currently a total stranger to these children and they'd be petrified to be dumped on me!! I would NEVER even think of such a thing!  That would be horrific!

 

 

Edited by Sadma

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So, I just sent my d-i-l the following email:

 

"Please know that I do not want to do anything to cause you problems with [son].

 
"If you feel it will create a problem to even ask that i come and see you and the kids while he is at work, I understand."
 
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1 hour ago, Sadma said:

Hello...

I am NEW here.  Hope I am posting in the right place.

I am 71 and live alone in northeastern USA. I have an 11 y-o grandson in  NZ.  LOVE him to death and we get along wonderfully, WHEN I get to see him which is about once a year with some years skipped.

I have another son who just moved from CA to KS. He has a 3 y-o who i saw ONCE when he was 6 mos and a girl who will be year old next month, who i have never seen. My d-i-l sends pictures and had invited me to a one year birthday party, but those plans got cancelled.  I told her I still want to come out and see the kids. She says she wants me to but that my son doesn't want me to come!

So I just told d-i-l that I will fly out midweek, get a hotel and rent a car. She can bring the kids to my hotel or I can pick them up - take them to a park and out to eat. He will be at work anyhow!  I asked her to ask him if that's ok. I told her i don;t care if he doesn't want to se me, I want to see my grands!!

I think that's really all i can do except write the same to my son in an email.

 

 

Welcome, Sadma! So deeply sorry about your son's attitude about your visiting. (((Hugs!)))

I'm still not clear, though, on what d-I-l said to you. You tell us in another post that she "invited" you, but here ^^^ you simply say she "wants (you)to come" though son does not. Wanting someone to come is not quite the same, IMO, as inviting them . Did she actually say, in effect, "Please come even though your son/my husband doesn't want you to?"

You also tell us in another post that he's the same way w/ his brother and sister. And your conclusion is that he's "antisocial." But is it possible that there are issues between him and the rest of your family? If so, perhaps you all need to work those out before a visit can realistically happen.

I'm not "scolding" you and I don't think Imp was either. Please forgive me if my comments come across that way. No worries, I'm very sympathetic to your frustration. I'm just trying to help figure out the best way to deal w/ this/ prevent further problems. That was Imp's intent, too, I believe.

 

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20 minutes ago, Sadma said:

So, I just sent my d-i-l the following email:

 

"Please know that I do not want to do anything to cause you problems with [son].

 
"If you feel it will create a problem to even ask that i come and see you and the kids while he is at work, I understand."
 

Good idea. I know it must have been hard for you to send this.

Hope you continue to talk w/ us and that together we can figure out where to go from here...

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Thanks it was not hard at all to send that email!  I truly would not want to do anything to cause them more problems than they already have!

Backstory: Originally I was invite day by d-i-l to a planned one year birthday party that was to take place in Texas where her mother is. That got cancelled.

So I ASKED is I could come to KS instead. 

It would be a nice Hallmark moment to get all my kids together for a family therapy sessions or whatever, but one lives in KS, one in DE and the third is in New ZEALAND!!  They all have little contact with one another. NZ son and I are close and I am also very close to my daughter in DE and her husband. I see them several times a year. They have no children and don't intend to. I have a good relationship with my 11-y-o grandson in NZ. Love him to death.

My son in KS is considered "weird" by is brother and sister. When you fly in from NZ - all flights go through CA. Middle son (now in KS) was living in CA at the time.  NZ son flew in a couple of years ago and called his brother who he hadn't seen in six years since moving to NZ, and said he'd like to meet. Middle son said NO!  That's weird! They had no fight or disagreement. And all he had to do was meet his brother at the airport, but he said NO. And that is what he says to me anytime I ask to visit.  His wife says he's "weird." She also says he is unhappy with his job that they moved to KS for and that he is just UNHAPPY, but she does not think he's depressed. 

None of that is my problem, nor can i fix any of it. The only person I have any control over is ME! So i finally decided to stop ASKING if I could visit and get a NO. I decided to tell her that I am coming, and then sent the email saying I won't come if it would cause them a problem.

If that is the case, I will just have to deal with it, as I have been doing all these years. It sucks, but there's nothing I can do. 

My hope in "coming" here was to meet other sin similar situations and get some support. I know I am not alone! I know two women who are the salt-of-the-earth - women who would literally give you the shirt off they back and both have ons who don't talk to them! It's in the category of **** happens.

 

 

 

 

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 I truly would not want to do anything to cause them more problems than they already have!

For me, this would be the key to the whole issue.  You say that even your sons wife thinks he is "weird".  I'm sure you don't want any more **** to happen to broaden the distance between you and your son.

 

 

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Sue - I think that shipped sailed. I think my son and I have"unresolvable differences."

MORE backstory. Middle son in KS - "M".... the woman I call my d-i-l is his live-in gf for 15+ years. Not married. whatever. She is from Vietnam.

For a LONG time they/he complained that they could not afford to BUY a house in CA. they rented condos and had to move often as the condo owners made other decisions. I offered to help them buy something. Finally, about 3 years or so ago he asked me for help with a down payment. I sent the $$ then asked where the house was. He said "Zone 2." Not knowing California I said "where is that?" and he replied: "Near zone 3." .......... I finally came to discover that they had bought a condo in Vietnam! I felt that i had been duped. I felt it was less than honest of them to take money form me under false pretenses or at least without full truth.

After that, I was told yet again how they wanted to buy a house but couldn't afford one. I asked if they were renting the condo in Nam and was told no. I said "Sell it and use that money toward a house here."

When she got pregnant the second time she went to Vietnam to have the baby. It never made sense to me and I thought it spelled trouble in paradise.  I asked if he mother was going to help and she told me he mother was in Texas! Made a lot LESS sense.   She did admit recently that it was a "separation" and that he is difficult to live with.

They wound up selling the condo in Vietnam and making a profit on it!  

When they rolled son turned 3 I asked where to send a birthday gift. This was right around the time they were moving. "M" told me to send it they told PO Box in CA. I did after asking if he still had access to that PO Box. It came back!  

I made a decision that i would not resend it. They both have told me from time to time that they will come here to the eats coast to visit me and M's sister. So i told them I will give both the children's birthday gifts when they come here (or if I go there, which looks unlikely). 

I will NOT send one red cent to anyone who obviously doesn't want me knowing where they are living...or is just "very private" about that! I'm his mother and if he can't share where he lives I have not a cent to send him. I have NOT cut him out of why will. He still gets one-third. But he gets nothing else from me after I was deceived into giving him $$ for a condo in Vietnam! I might have done it had he been honest about it, but the fact that he wasn't sticks in my craw (whatever a craw is!)  :-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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There is probably much more to this story than even you know.  If this was someone other than an son or daughter, I think I would be tempted to be cautious-very cautious.

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Wow, I am so sorry you are going through thi. I suspect their is a lot more this situation than you know about. I understand that the emails have been sent, and I'm glad you sent the second email to clarify. I hope that this works out for you.

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Yeah, something here isn't right, no matter what angle you look at it from.

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On ‎9‎/‎21‎/‎2016 at 9:20 AM, SueSTx said:

godsgifts, did your GD look into federal grants etc?  As a young adult who has no financial support from her parents she could qualify for aid.  Maybe a community college in your area would allow her to still live with you.  Room and board is a huge expense for college.  My son attended one year and he is now an engineer.  He didn't have a college fund either but worked his way through.  I have a niece who got her RN degree for her local community college.

Yes she is looking into all that she can get for assistance. She finally got a job, and now is working on the schooling. She has had a rough week because she has had 3 last names and Mommy Dearest would not give her the papers  notorized.(sp)  She finally went to the Court House and got it straightened out with 2 of the last names. Her life is such a mess with my  DD and her  BF of Lexi and this Crap of a Step -Father who is a teacher and couldn't just find it in his heart to at least LIKE HER.  Now she has to get her SS # changed. My heart just breaks for this child, Bio-Dad loved drugs more than her in her eyes,  Mom let him Step-Dad  put her our, (SHE'S NUTS). She feels very unwanted.

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RoseRed135,

 I don't blame my GDS but he is 12 and should have not told her this if he knew he was going to turn around and lie, he knows a lie from the truth. It has turned her life in such a hard, different, difficult direction because of his doing this. Let's say I'm VERY Disappointed in him, but would not hold it against him if I saw him.

The entire mess is MY DD AND MY SIL, HIS RICH PARENTS OVER MY GDD is what the truth of the matter is far as my DD.  My DD chose MONEY, and by now is emotionally abused. They are to blame and them I hold responsible  for all of this . All she did was tell the TRUTH.

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6 hours ago, Sadma said:

My hope in "coming" here was to meet other sin similar situations and get some support. I know I am not alone! I know two women who are the salt-of-the-earth - women who would literally give you the shirt off they back and both have ons who don't talk to them! It's in the category of **** happens.

 

 

 

 

You're definitely not alone, Sadma - just reading through this thread should tell you that.

After reading and rereading your posts, it does seem, as PPs have said, that there's more going on here than meets the eye. IDK, but I suspect there is some kind of problem going on in middle son's' and DIL's life. Hopefully, they will get that straightened out in time and then they will truly reach out to you and your family.

Edited by RoseRed135

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6 hours ago, Sadma said:

 

My son in KS is considered "weird" by is brother and sister. When you fly in from NZ - all flights go through CA. Middle son (now in KS) was living in CA at the time.  NZ son flew in a couple of years ago and called his brother who he hadn't seen in six years since moving to NZ, and said he'd like to meet. Middle son said NO!  That's weird! They had no fight or disagreement. And all he had to do was meet his brother at the airport, but he said NO. And that is what he says to me anytime I ask to visit.  His wife says he's "weird." She also says he is unhappy with his job that they moved to KS for and that he is just UNHAPPY, but she does not think he's depressed. 

 

 

 

Then again, I'm wondering how long your other son and daughter have thought of your KS son as "'weird?'" Is it of recent vintage or have they "always" seen him this way? B/c that suggests a fundamental difference between them. Perhaps he's a little introverted and they're more extroverted? Or they're kind of laidback and he's more formal? Or ??

Regardless, as you say, yourself, you "can't fix" any issues between them. But please realize that he might not want to spend time w/ people who think he's weird (if he's aware of that).

Granted, DIL seems to see him as "weird," too, from what you tell us. And none of what I said above explains his behavior towards you. Perhaps it will help to realize it might be a byproduct of that general "unhappiness" that DIL describes? And, BTW, as hard as it may be to hear, IMO, that could be depression - DIL might, understandably, just not want to think so. No one can really know, unless he's examined by a professional. But, of course, that's something he would have to decide himself.

The shadiness about where they live and even where to send a gift makes me think that there's something else going on, besides his "unhappiness" or whatever - probably beyond anything you or your other AC (adult children) could know about. Again, though, that would mean it has nothing to do w/ you and yours.

I'm glad you've decided to stop sending gifts and asking to visit. Please be patient and, meanwhile, focus on other aspects of your life - including that NZ GS whom you adore! He sounds like a delight! Please check out the Grandparenting From Afar forum for more ideas on how to stay connected, besides visits (but maybe you already know them).

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Thanks. My d-i-l has said that my son is "difficult to live with" "BUT I love him!" And of course they have two young children, so...

I used to hear from my other d-i-l pretty much the same thing before they wound up divorced, and funny thing is that I went to MY m-i-l when I was fed up with my husband (their father) saying I could no longer stay with him unless he made some changes and I begged her to intervene! 

It's very hard for me. I lost my eldest daughter and having these children kept form me is HARD. But it is what it is and I have to let it go. 

I just needed to vent in a safe place  because it's not something I feel I am able to share with friends.

 

 

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8 hours ago, Sadma said:

Thanks. My d-i-l has said that my son is "difficult to live with" "BUT I love him!" And of course they have two young children, so...

I used to hear from my other d-i-l pretty much the same thing before they wound up divorced, and funny thing is that I went to MY m-i-l when I was fed up with my husband (their father) saying I could no longer stay with him unless he made some changes and I begged her to intervene! 

Is your son anything like his father? You don't have to answer that here, of course, but if you give it some thought, it might give you some clues as to what the problem is.

It's very hard for me. I lost my eldest daughter and having these children kept form me is HARD. But it is what it is and I have to let it go. 

My deepest condolences on the loss of your eldest DD (dear daughter). I get that the apparent estrangement from your KS son and his children must feel like another loss. But I agree you need "to let it go." Also, even if he doesn't reach out, in time, there's a chance the GC will seek you out, when they're older.

I just needed to vent in a safe place  because it's not something I feel I am able to share with friends.

I so understand this ^^^^. Please feel free to vent here any time. (((Hugs!)))

 

 

 

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My therapist suspects that both he and his father might be on the autism spectrum. I do not like assigning diagnosis. But I will say that my problems with this son are rooted din my divorce. He was 15 and the most openly effected by it, expressing open hatred to me. Things got better for a while, but now, it is what it is. My divorce was worse than War of the Roses because it involved a custody battle. It was very very bad.

I have suffered multiple, multiple losses. More than i can even articulate. It never gets easy.

 

 

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I am glad you are seeing a therapist.  I am sure the therapist has a better grasp on your issues than we will ever have.

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@Sadma -  I'm so deeply sorry for your many losses. That must not be easy to bear. You must be very strong, however, to have made it through.

it's so painful and sad, IMO, when a son or daughter takes sides with/against one parent or the other in a divorce. It must have hurt you very much when KS son turned against you the way he did. Unfortunately, IMO, that anger might still be what's fueling his behavior.... sigh...

Like Sue, I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Over time, I hope they can help you come to terms w/ your various issues. Till then wishing you patience... and peace...

Edited by RoseRed135

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Thank you. There is nothing one can do but LET IT GO and vent occasionally to those who are caring, empathetic and non-judgmental.

I find one of the hardest things about dealing with children or grandchildren from whom you are estranged is talking about it and listening to other mothers BRAG about how wonderful their children and grandchildren are to them!

Does anyone else feel that way?  I KNOW intellectually, that it is far more common than people let on. I know MANY people have difficult or no relationship with adult children, but so many times it seems like everyone else has a Hallmark Holiday!

 

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There are not a lot of Hallmark moments around here.

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1 hour ago, Sadma said:

Thank you. There is nothing one can do but LET IT GO and vent occasionally to those who are caring, empathetic and non-judgmental.

I find one of the hardest things about dealing with children or grandchildren from whom you are estranged is talking about it and listening to other mothers BRAG about how wonderful their children and grandchildren are to them!

Does anyone else feel that way?  I KNOW intellectually, that it is far more common than people let on. I know MANY people have difficult or no relationship with adult children, but so many times it seems like everyone else has a Hallmark Holiday!

 

Again, you can see just by this thread, I'm sure, that there are other parents/GPs in the same kind of unfortunate situation. And while I doubt that very many people have the perfect 'Hallmark Holiday," I know it must be hard hearing about the times other GPs have w/ their families when you (general) aren't getting to enjoy the same. (((Hugs!)))

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