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RoseRed135

If you've been cut off by your adult son or daughter and family... possible triggers...

168 posts in this topic

1 hour ago, Sadma said:

Thank you. There is nothing one can do but LET IT GO and vent occasionally to those who are caring, empathetic and non-judgmental. YEP

I find one of the hardest things about dealing with children or grandchildren from whom you are estranged is talking about it and listening to other mothers BRAG about how wonderful their children and grandchildren are to them!

Does anyone else feel that way?  I KNOW intellectually, that it is far more common than people let on. I know MANY people have difficult or no relationship with adult children, but so many times it seems like everyone else has a Hallmark Holiday!

It's not likely many are here because their MIL/DIL relationship is an unequivocal success. Nobody in our home can claim vast numbers of Hallmark moments, unless we count halls marked with sharpies.  :)

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Are holidays very hard for you? Doe sit bother you when others share their "seemingly" "perfect" families?

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1 hour ago, Sadma said:

Are holidays very hard for you? Doe sit bother you when others share their "seemingly" "perfect" families?

You bring up a great point....those so called "perfect" families have a few warts too. A former friend had 4 kids whom she claimed were so wonderful, bragged on them to anyone & everyone....3 of the 4 were in juvenile hall every time we turned around from the age of 10 on. Only one graduated from high school on time...2 I don't think have yet and all are in their 30s. The Christmas pictures and the letter were so deceptive. The oldest is in jail. At 38 he has been in more than out.

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5 hours ago, Sadma said:

Are holidays very hard for you? Doe sit bother you when others share their "seemingly" "perfect" families?

Good question, IMO. Unfortunately, some of the EGPs (estranged grandparents) in this thread told their stories and then "disappeared" some time ago. But perhaps the more recent ones would share their feelings on this...

@Heartbroken1 - Do you have anything to say in response to Sadma's question? (I know it may be painful to answer, but your words might be helpful to her and others.)

@Grannygreensmith - How about DH? Do holidays seem to be harder for him, given his estrangement from that one daughter? I know he has other AC in his life, fortunately, but does he feel his ED's (estranged daughter's) absence more at those times, do you think?

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Mame - I find it very said that anyone would feel the need to LIE lie that. I would just say nothing or very little. When asked how my kids are I say thy are all healthy and doing well. Period. I'm not a very good liar! I'm not going to say they cll me every day and lavish me with gifts! And now I will think twice about the mothers who say such things!! 

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I'm sure there are some AC that do call their parents every day...my younger sister is one of those.  As a matter of fact, she calls both on her way to work and her way home.  Our mother is 89 and lives alone which isn't entirely safe for her, but she rather be at home.

I talk to my DD maybe once or twice a month and the same with my son. 

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Hi Sadma-

On 9/22/2016 at 1:01 PM, Sadma said:

1. I came here for SUPPORT, not a scolding (especially not one based on false assumption). 

I would be glad to give you my opinion from a DIL point of view, but if you are looking for positive support or just to vent I am totally fine with keeping my opinion to myself. As I cannot promise I would not ask questions or disagree with some of the things you have said. So first my question is are you also looking for a DIL opinions as well?  If not that is totally cool with me. :)

As for your comment:

12 hours ago, Sadma said:

Are holidays very hard for you? Doe sit bother you when others share their "seemingly" "perfect" families?

I at least for me, even though we a no contact with my own MIL.  Holidays are very hard, I really wish I would have been able to have the one big family gathering like I had when I was young, but that is not reality. And I try to concentrated on the positive and not to dwell on what I can't have. So on face book I post the "good times" and the celebrations as these are things to be celebrated.. And I try not to drag anyone (including myself) down with my own negative drama... but the intention of that is more I don't want to bum others out, not that I am trying to "look" perfect. 

 

 

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I CO my FOO.

Holidays are a mixed bag. I used to long for what I wish I'd had, vs the reality of what was, if that makes any sense.

I moved across country before CO. And the first year was...surprisingly refreshing. Far less stressful.

I wish I had extended family for my kids to experience and enjoy...but the truth is, if we were local, it would've been miserable, b/c that's the nature of the relationship, and ppl involved.

I miss the idea of Hallmark moments. But, I've gotten to the point where I'm enjoying what is, rather than spending my time wishing what could be.

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Not sure if I am answering in the right place.   Holidays are hard for all losses I think.  For me I feel like I have really let them down.  (Grandkids). I too envy the families I see who seem so close, Holiday meals and all that.  I wonder if these kids will ever understand the decisions I feel forced to make.    Families are so very complex, a lot of love hate stuff that goes on.  But when I see the gleam in someone else's eye describing their families and grandchildren that does not make me bitter. I don't want to think the family has no meaning.  There are times when the others in my family get very busy and I wish for more attention.  But with them I just try to create experiences that even if they get sidetracked , I will still remain a good memory.  As for the other two, I just hope in time we will one day sort through this

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27 minutes ago, Sadma said:

Impish go for it! 

It's been years, so yep! We make our own traditions, and go as crazy as the kids want to.

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11 hours ago, Sadma said:

When asked how my kids are I say thy are all healthy and doing well. Period.... I'm not going to say they call me every day ....

I find phone calls normal, but not everybody does, it's likely just how one was raised.

When we were younger, phone calls were expensive, now cell phones are very expensive but include some long distance minutes/data. Our calls (when we were younger and still now) are typically short, maybe a few minutes.

Yep, the answer to any question an outsider asks: we are all healthy and doing well. Period. Jibber jabbering is a no go, imo.

Edited by JanelleK
unhappy response below, so I edited, I wrongly thought it was a question

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I will be leaving this forum as I find it not what i need.

Why would you tell anyone ESTRANGED from family - which is what this forum is for/about??  - that u get daily calls or texts from your family?  That is antithesis of what what i came her for! 

it's like going on a cancer support forum and instead of receiving hugs, empathy, compassion, support and encouragement - hearing: "Well I'm cancer Free! Hooray for me!"

I have been a member of MANY support group forums for various health issues through my adult life: When i lost my eldest daughter, when i divorced and when i was challenged with losing custody. I have NEVER experienced the opposite of support - cruelly rubbing salt in open wounds!   

Bye-bye and thanks to Red Rose and all who TRIED to be supportive.

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9 hours ago, Heartbroken1 said:

Not sure if I am answering in the right place.   Holidays are hard for all losses I think.  For me I feel like I have really let them down.  (Grandkids). I too envy the families I see who seem so close, Holiday meals and all that.  I wonder if these kids will ever understand the decisions I feel forced to make.    Families are so very complex, a lot of love hate stuff that goes on.  But when I see the gleam in someone else's eye describing their families and grandchildren that does not make me bitter. I don't want to think the family has no meaning.  There are times when the others in my family get very busy and I wish for more attention.  But with them I just try to create experiences that even if they get sidetracked , I will still remain a good memory.  As for the other two, I just hope in time we will one day sort through this

You are definitely "answering in the right place," Heartbroken! This is where the question was asked.

While your pain and frustration have come through your posts, no surprise, it sounds as if you have found some very good ways of coping. I hope that continues and that you continue, also, to talk w/ us.

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11 hours ago, Sadma said:

Mame - I find it very said that anyone would feel the need to LIE lie that. I would just say nothing or very little. When asked how my kids are I say thy are all healthy and doing well. Period. I'm not a very good liar! I'm not going to say they cll me every day and lavish me with gifts! And now I will think twice about the mothers who say such things!! 

I'm glad you're able to answer people w/o lying, Sadma. No one really needs to know how often any of your AC call you or not, anyhow.

Also, I agree w/ the idea of taking other mothers'/parents' claims about their families w/ a grain of salt. However, I'm not sure the ones Mame spoke of are necessarily lying, per se. Could be they're just leaving a few (major) factors out. Still dishonest in its own way, though, I suppose.

I understand the feelings you describe below - but I don't see where anyone said they get "daily calls from (their) family." I certainly don't think anybody here was interested in "cruelly rubbing salt in open wounds, and I'm very sorry if it felt that way. I do see where a couple of posters made the point, basically, that some people tend to call more than others. But now I realize that, perhaps, you're not ready to hear even that.

I hope you reconsider leaving or that you'll return, after a while. But if not, I wish you all the strength you need to continue to deal w/ your current situation. And I hope, in time, all the problems w/in your family will work themselves out.

58 minutes ago, Sadma said:

I will be leaving this forum as I find it not what i need.

Why would you tell anyone ESTRANGED from family - which is what this forum is for/about??  - that u get daily calls or texts from your family?  That is antithesis of what what i came her for! 

it's like going on a cancer support forum and instead of receiving hugs, empathy, compassion, support and encouragement - hearing: "Well I'm cancer Free! Hooray for me!"

I have been a member of MANY support group forums for various health issues through my adult life: When i lost my eldest daughter, when i divorced and when i was challenged with losing custody. I have NEVER experienced the opposite of support - cruelly rubbing salt in open wounds!   

Bye-bye and thanks to Red Rose and all who TRIED to be supportive.

 

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On 9/26/2016 at 11:25 AM, Heartbroken1 said:

Not sure if I am answering in the right place.   Holidays are hard for all losses I think.  For me I feel like I have really let them down.  (Grandkids). I too envy the families I see who seem so close, Holiday meals and all that.

Hi Heartbroken, I'm sorry for your estrangement and the pain that the holidays cause. I read somewhere something that is very important when it comes to reading facebook, or all those holiday letters -  "Don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides". People posting on FB usually are putting their best foot forward and sometimes outright lying or at least omitting the truth about relationships. My FOO is absolutely notorious for that. My father's side of the family is a hotbed of incest, toxic religiousness, physical, verbal, and emotional abuse and some actual criminals who are, or should be in prison. But my sister's FB page is filled with the "we're an unusually close family, we are the freaking Brady Bunch, aren't we are swell. My FOO was "unusually close" - like The Mob. My father is a violent sociopath and still abusive in every way except physically now; I cut him off after my mother died a decade ago. My sister used to live next door to my parents and had my mother raise her kids who are 50 shades of seriously messed up, her husband thinks "working" is optional, but criminy, if you just looked at social media sites you'd think they were the picture of the All American Family. I find the folks on FB who post the most about their wonderful, exceptional families are hiding the most to keep up their image. So you probably know lots of people who are estranged from some family members, they just keep quiet about it because of the grief society gives them about FAMIIILLY.

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On 9/28/2016 at 9:06 AM, Aravis said:

Hi Heartbroken, I'm sorry for your estrangement and the pain that the holidays cause. I read somewhere something that is very important when it comes to reading facebook, or all those holiday letters -  "Don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides". People posting on FB usually are putting their best foot forward and sometimes outright lying or at least omitting the truth about relationships. My FOO is absolutely notorious for that. My father's side of the family is a hotbed of incest, toxic religiousness, physical, verbal, and emotional abuse and some actual criminals who are, or should be in prison. But my sister's FB page is filled with the "we're an unusually close family, we are the freaking Brady Bunch, aren't we are swell. My FOO was "unusually close" - like The Mob. My father is a violent sociopath and still abusive in every way except physically now; I cut him off after my mother died a decade ago. My sister used to live next door to my parents and had my mother raise her kids who are 50 shades of seriously messed up, her husband thinks "working" is optional, but criminy, if you just looked at social media sites you'd think they were the picture of the All American Family. I find the folks on FB who post the most about their wonderful, exceptional families are hiding the most to keep up their image. So you probably know lots of people who are estranged from some family members, they just keep quiet about it because of the grief society gives them about FAMIIILLY.

The bolded......my MIL loves FB and will post pictures of holidays and family get togethers, on my birthday and our anniversary she posts gushing messages on my FB wall. All these things make it look like we are one happy family when that's not the whole truth. I know she wishes her son married someone else, she wasn't happy that DH and I had a church wedding and in private makes PA comments about the day we had our civil ceremony being our anniversary even though we have told her repeatedly that we consider ourselves married on the day we had our church wedding and that is our anniversary, when we went to visit the IL over the summer DH asked me what he could do to make the visit a pleasent one for me because he knows that his mom makes PA comments that I now refuse to put up with. So although from the outside things look perfect the inside is a very different story. 

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this is in  answer` to rose red--- this story is truly heartbreaking.  Keep going to your support group and  find ways to make yourself happy.  Maybe in time there will be reunification or not.  We are not promised anything in this world, but our dear Lord Jesus knows all and he has promised to hold your hand through all of life's trials.  I am in prayer over this.

 

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On 10/6/2016 at 11:43 AM, smallangelheart73 said:

this is in  answer` to rose red--- this story is truly heartbreaking.  Keep going to your support group and  find ways to make yourself happy.  Maybe in time there will be reunification or not.  We are not promised anything in this world, but our dear Lord Jesus knows all and he has promised to hold your hand through all of life's trials.  I am in prayer over this.

 

So kind of you, smallangelheart! But, fortunately for me, I didn't have a "heartbreaking" story to tell. Perhaps you meant this for Sadma or Heartbroken1?

Edited by RoseRed135

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On 6/17/2016 at 7:48 AM, INCOGNITO said:

There is no reason to allow mean behavior, walk away. DIL can't be mean to you if you're not available. Attributing jealousy of MIL and insecurity as the reasons for mean behavior is short sighted at best. Mean people are not jealous of their MIL. The other side is that DS is still married 19 years later. DS found what he fancies. People stay married for reasons their Mom and MIL can't comprehend.

Anonymous poster hash: ea945...f93

I love this as it certainly does pertain to my DIL, but it originally started w/a jealousy w/my daughter being so close to my Son. So sad. My youngest daughter was killed  & my oldest daughter was devastated,  so naturally she wanted at least her brother in her life. We tried to resolve it but to no avail. As above says, or I say, my son could have resolved this years ago, but  my DIL told me once, she is from Fld. I won't take any s   ., I'll just move back to Fld. and my son will NEVER loose his daughter, yet he knows the heartache my other daughter and my husband  and I are going through to let all this happen.

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Things that cause separation:

2nd guessing parents

Challenging them on raising their children

Trying to divide parents against each other

Grandparents should be about 3-5% of the overall equation

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Maxine2020 said:

Things that cause separation:

2nd guessing parents

Challenging them on raising their children

Trying to divide parents against each other

Grandparents should be about 3-5% of the overall equation

 

 

 

Welcome, Maxine! Glad you decided to come in and share your thoughts w/ us! :)

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On Tuesday, October 17, 2017 at 11:50 AM, Maxine2020 said:

Things that cause separation:

2nd guessing parents

Challenging them on raising their children

Trying to divide parents against each other

Grandparents should be about 3-5% of the overall equati

Indeed. My sister and I were just chatting this over coffee, you noted our pts. 

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I don't wish to give too many details on a public forum but in short, our ed has issues that all the love in the world can't solve.  I can't tell you specifically what led to it because at the time of cut off everything seemed stable, no fight, no words said. I knew there had been a dramatic shift in perception towards me a year prior and I walked on eggshells but then one day she cut us off.  She wouldn't answer the phone, text or door and then moved to who know's where.  I could give you all sorts of theories based on facts and my perception, but it would require divulging her medical history and gossip about her and I don't wish to go there.  It was five years ago and nobody, not even her old friends (some who she has since unfriended) , not her family or brother understand it.  I thought I would die from the grief I was so ill and I have had to crawl my way back to life.  The major turning point was when my son told her about my breast cancer and she didn't care. This is when I truly let her go.   I lost my daughter to something much more powerful than any of us can deal with and unless she gets professional help we will never seen her again.  I prayed with all my heart she wouldn't have children, but she did and my heart feels very sad for him.

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