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RoseRed135

If you've been cut off by your adult son or daughter and family... possible triggers...

168 posts in this topic

(((((HUGS)))))

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47 minutes ago, pearlj said:

II am so sorry to all of you that you are going through this anguish and grief. I truly understand.

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More (((Hugs!)))

As you probably know from reading through this thread, Pearl, it's not unusual for EPs to grieve - there's a loss involved, even though, thankfully, the EAC is still living.

It sounds as if ED has issues w/in herself to work out. I hope she does, in time, and that she will then reach out to you and others she has CO (cut off).

Kudos to you for pulling yourself back together they way you did. I know that must not have been easy and, IMO, it must have taken a lot of strength and courage. I hope DH has learned to cope as well.

ETA: Also, very sorry about your breast cancer - and that your ED showed no concern about it. If it's any comfort, that's not unusual either from what I've read on these and other boards. EAC often resolve to keep their parents out of their lives, even if they become ill.

I just hope you're cancer-free now (you don't have to say, of course).

Edited by RoseRed135
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At this moment I am cancer free RoseRed, yay. I continue to take meds for another 4 years though. 

I was very lucky to find a counselor who recognized I was grieving and we worked through it,as well as a lot of support from family, son and my friends. I have days were I might slip and feel pain but my bounce back is fast . I have to fight for my health and for those in my life who care for me, especially my husband who is my sweetheart. 

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My story - or at least, part of it.... its long and involved, as I am sure all the stories are

My now 21 year old and I have always had a strained relationship. When she was 17 she left home. 18 months later she was back, and 8 months after returning home she got pregnant. My gorgeous grandson - Alfie - is just shy of 10 months old.

My daughter and Alfie lived with me, until 6 days ago. She had been threatening to move out, and when she left she would not tell me where they went, and I would never see her or Alfie ever again. She also said she would move out one day when I was at work, which she did last Wednesday.

I have been crying every day because I am very concerned for Alfie. My daughter loves her son, of that I have no doubt, but she is very unstable, and I don't know what sort of support she has wherever they are.

I wish she would let me stay in contact, but I believe what she has said , that I will never see then again, because of our history, which I will not go into now. 

I miss him SO much, he was always here, and now my very small house seems so big with just me in it. I have no desire for anything. I wake up, go to work, come home, eat, shower, go to bed, don't sleep, get up, go to work etc etc

I have sent a facebook message to Alfie's other grandmother, begging her to keep me up dated on Alfie's wellbeing, as I am positive my daughter will keep they updated, but I have yet to here back from her. 

I am at a complete loss, as I did nothing to have this happen to me, my daughter did it because she hates me and shes knows this is the best way she can hurt me......

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13 minutes ago, AlfieG said:

I am at a complete loss, as I did nothing to have this happen to me, my daughter did it because she hates me and shes knows this is the best way she can hurt me......

I'm so sorry. I have no advice except be careful of yourself, get sleep, be sure to eat healthy foods. Perhaps you have a Church where you might have counseling or at least have someone to talk to?

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1 minute ago, JanelleK said:

I'm so sorry. I have no advice except be careful of yourself, get sleep, be sure to eat healthy foods. Perhaps you have a Church where you might have counseling or at least have someone to talk to?

thanks

I have a good friend who knows what I am going through, but even she can't know truly how I am feeling, but she is great and always there for me.

But that is why I searched out this forum, so hopefully there are like minded people who I can share with, and slowly start the healing process

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@AlfieG, a therapist may help. That's not a slight, or insult. You're grieving a loss, and having support, gaining tools from a professional may be a priceless resource for you.

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just to add insult to injury, I do not know what my daughter has been telling her brother - he is 30 years old this Saturday - but whatever it is, he believes it is all completely my fault and because of that he wants nothing more to do with me, denying me access to my granddaughter who has just turned 5 years old.

so in the space of a few months, I had 2 children and 2 grandkids, and now I have nothing.....

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Oh, @AlfieG my heart aches for you! Trust me, you are not alone. While I'm not estranged from my AC (adult children) and GC (grandchildren, as you can see, there are many GPs who are. I agree w. Imp that you are "grieving a loss," even though your AC and GC are still, thankfully, alive. You are probably in shock, also, IMO, since this loss, basically, just happened. Very wise to reach out to us! (((Hugs!)))

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19 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

@AlfieG, a therapist may help. That's not a slight, or insult. You're grieving a loss, and having support, gaining tools from a professional may be a priceless resource for you.

no doubt a therapist would help but I cannot afford it

That is why I am here to be able to let off steam, explain without being judged, and just somewhere where people understand what I am feeling

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Low cost/no cost counseling is available through your church and some community/senior services places...

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44 minutes ago, AlfieG said:

no doubt a therapist would help but I cannot afford it

That is why I am here to be able to let off steam, explain without being judged, and just somewhere where people understand what I am feeling

There is a website called samaritans, they are based in the UK- You can call them or email them 24/7 to share your concerns/vent/get off your chest- When you go to the site, click the contact option at the top of the page- They listen, they ask questions, offer emotional support but they do not offer advice or judge you or those in your life you might be having issues with- If you Google samaritans uk they are the first 2 results- I dont know if it is permitted to share the link here, perhaps a MOD could add it if it is-

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I am not in the UK - and it sounds like they could only offer what I could get from this site anyway, but thank you anyway

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You're welcome- :)

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10 hours ago, AlfieG said:

That is why I am here to be able to let off steam, explain without being judged, and just somewhere where people understand what I am feeling

Glad you turned to us, Jan! Hope we can bring you some comfort and, perhaps, some help in sorting out what happened.

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On 11/21/2017 at 0:27 AM, AlfieG said:

I have sent a facebook message to Alfie's other grandmother, begging her to keep me up dated on Alfie's wellbeing, as I am positive my daughter will keep they updated, but I have yet to here back from her. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

firstly, sorry for how this reply/quote may look, it looks weird to me before I post, but I can't do anything about it (Note from RoseRed: Fixed it as best I could.)

anyway

yet another nail in my coffin, I just heard back from the 'other' grandmother, and she doesn't want to get involved

so it looks like my last avenue I could use to keep up to date with my GS is gone :(

Edited by RoseRed135
to fix problems w/ quote

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1 hour ago, AlfieG said:

firstly, sorry for how this reply/quote may look, it looks weird to me before I post, but I can't do anything about it

anyway

yet another nail in my coffin, I just heard back from the 'other' grandmother, and she doesn't want to get involved

so it looks like my last avenue I could use to keep up to date with my GS is gone :(

I want to say this as gently as possible, b/c I know you're hurting.

It's only been twelve days since your DD moved out. Contacting others, wanting info on your dd/gs, puts more strain on the situation.

Please, step back. Let things settle. The more you put pressure on, the less likely there will be a resolution that you will find favourable.

Asking someone to keep you informed about a minor child, against their parent's wishes, isn't something most folks would be comfortable with, and would likely end their relationship w/the parent once discovered.

I know it's hard on you, but allowing things to settle, for your dd to work through whatever emotions she has going on right now, is in your best interest. The more you push, the harder she's going to run, I suspect.

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I understand the hurt. I am going through somethimg similar. Trying to wait it out is so hard while missing the gc so much.

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Just now, lrn2lol said:

I understand the hurt. I am going through somethimg similar. Trying to wait it out is so hard while missing the gc so much.

Welcome @lrn2lolI'm sorry for your struggle missing the gc....I hope it resolves sooner rather than later. Sometimes people get caught up in "stupid stubborn" then don't know how to make the move to start moving forward...

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11 hours ago, lrn2lol said:

I understand the hurt. I am going through somethimg similar. Trying to wait it out is so hard while missing the gc so much.

My heart goes out to you, Irn2lol! Waiting is often the best course, IMO (in my opinion), but I know it's hard and I admire your patience. Like Mame, I hope the situation "resolves sooner rather than later. "

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Posted (edited)

I just joined this group today for I am searching for information on how to change the laws in Texas to gain Grandparents visitation rights to see their Grandchild.  My Daughter is Twenty Eight years old and she blessed me with such a beautiful sweet, kind, loving, caring and smart 3 year old Granddaughter.  My Daughter has been diagnosed with Bi Polar since see was sixteen years.  I raised her by myself after my Divorce when she was nine years old.  She was the apple of her Father's eyes....but to hurt me he said he "was going to hurt her".  She can be a mean and ugly women and I know that she has a lot of hurt and pain that she has never dealt with.  I have a son that is thirty nine years old and our relationship is not difficult.  My Daughter had serve issues since she was sixteen years old and was hospitalized around thirty times.......long story.  She is a very moody person and it was really just her and I since she was nine years old.  I over compensated for what her father did too her...I was an enabler ......There was an issue before Christmas and she came and grab my Granddaughter from me while her and i were baking Christmas Cookies....I told my Daughter something and she didn't like it.  I have finally am trying to put boundaries up for her not to treat me like she does........However, she is using my Granddaughter as a weapon against me....History is repeating itself.  She is doing what her Father did to her...........There is no reasoning with her......She does not Love herself even though she has this smart *** attitude and plays such a hard *** game.  

 

I am sitting here still looking at the Christmas Tree and all of my Granddaughters present..........My Daughter refused to spend Christmas with us.  I ran into her last week...and she did stop the car and I was allowed to see my Granddaughter for a few minutes....When my Daughter return into the car.....Her mouth would not stop and I refused to engage in that in front of my Granddaughter..........To my amazement....My Granddaughter....."Said Mom....Stop being mean to my Grandmaw...I Love My Grandmaw".....I was shock that this little young soul said this......I cried on my way home and thank God for it was the best gift that I could ever of received for this past Christmas...

 

I am now going to seek a Family Lawyer and try to get Visitations rights to see my Granddaughter....My Daughter is such a control freak ...would you believe that I was never allowed to feed my Granddaughter a bottle, change her diaper or babysit her..............

I am a principle fighter and I actually took a case to Superior Court in PA as a Pro Se  Ligiant.   God has blessed me with a strong voice to help others and I am determine to be a part of my Granddaughters life.  

 

Edited by Ilovemygrandmaw
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Ilovemygrandmaw...I am sorry your present situation is what has lead you to find our forums, but I am glad you jumped right in and contributed to a conversation.

Although I have lived in Texas most of my life, I don't know much about our states family laws and grandparent visitation rights.  You sound like you have experience with the court system.  

I hope you get to see your granddaughter again in the near future.

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Posted (edited)

Welcome @Ilovemygrandmaw! I'm so very sorry for the struggles you've been through w/ DD (dear daughter) and the painful situation you're dealing w/ now.  But glad your decided to reach out to us!

I'm so sorry you didn't get to spend Christmas w/ your GD (granddaughter) or give her your presents for her. The image of your sitting there and looking at the Tree and the gifts really got to me! As a GM (grandmother), myself, I know if I were in your shoes, that would surely break my heart! (((Hugs!)))

I realize some of what's going on may be due to DD's mental illness - it wouldn't be the first time we've heard that here. I also understand that she has been through a lot of pain b/c of her father, and that must have taken its toll. If it's any kind of comfort, though, it's not unusual for AC (adult children) to distance themselves from a parent/GP when there is conflict. And often, of course, that means the GP and GC (grandchild) don't get to see each other either.

Regardless, it seems to me it's a good sig that DD did let you visit  w/ GD when you ran into each other, even if it was just "a few minutes." And I love what GD said - Maybe her obvious love for you will softer DD's heart.

As sad as you feel now, these are positive signs, IMO (in my opinion). They suggest there's an "opening" - s note of hope. If you agree, perhaps it's too early to start down the legal route? You might be able to repair your relationship w/ DD - and so, regain access to GD - w/o getting the courts involved. If DD finds out that you're looking into legal action, however, she is likely to get angry, dig her heels in and distance herself even more. Is it worth that chance? Only you can decide.... Food for thought...

Edited by RoseRed135

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