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RoseRed135

If you've been cut off by your adult son or daughter and family... possible triggers...

172 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

P.S. But if you're still interested in seeking visitation through the courts and/or changing the GVR (Grandparent Visitation Rights) laws in Texas , GP.com has a state-by-state summary of those laws. Perhaps you're already familiar w/ the current GVR laws in Texas. But if not, you can just click on this link and you'll find them:

https://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/grandparents-rights/grandparent-rights-united-states

In fact, here's the summary for Texas right here (bolding it to differentiate it from my words):

TEXAS

The custody statute does not provide statutory factors for a court to determine proper custody. Conditions for grandparent visitation rights include a determination that one of the child's parents is deceased, incompetent, incarcerated, or has had his or her parental rights terminated. Visitation may also be awarded if the parents are divorced, the child has been abused or neglected, the child has been adjudicated a delinquent or in need of supervision, or the child has lived with the grandparent for at least six months within 24 months of the filing of the petition for visitation. Adoption cuts off the visitation rights of the grandparent unless the adoption is granted to a stepparent.

IDK, of course, how you want to change this ^^^, but I know you said you would like to find out how to go about doing so. That, I'm afraid IDK.  Maybe someone else here does. But please remember that nothing is a substitute for legal counsel.

I just hope things work out between you and DD soon, and that you get to continue your relationship w/ your darling GD.

Edited by RoseRed135

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Posted (edited)

nThank you RoseRed.......I am a very opened minded woman and I appreciated another person's opinion.  Sometimes we are too close to step back and take a look at all sides........I am exhausted from my Daughter's Drama......DD seems to have two different personalities ...When it's good she will call me first thing in the morning and we will talk numerous times during the day.  We will also spend a lot of time together.......

It's been her and I since she has been nine years old....and there is nothing more then I want for her is to be a strong and independent woman.  I know that I can't change her that she has to want to create her own life Masterpiece....Personal Growth.  

The last place I want to go is to Court......However, I might not have a choice.....I can't image living my life without having my Granddaughter in it...It's not fair to her not to have the only Grandparents she has in her life.  Especially, because I am a good influence and loving soul.   Knowing my Daughter.....I am praying that once she get's out of this episode that she will miss and want to have her Mother back.  She is very Stubborn.....I have reached out to her numerous times via email.....She block my number and also on Facebook.......She wants to be treated like an Adult and she acts like a child.........I have suggested Family Therapy something she always said she wanted......then when I want to move forward with it.......she refuses to respond.  It's like **** if I do and **** if I don't.  I just can't handle her abusive ways towards me anymore....I use to ignore it to keep peace.......I really believe that now that I am going to attempt tough love and not allow her to control me......Hopefully, will be a slow new beginning for us.......Looking forward with being here.......I never ever reached out for help or support..............I need it now. Thank You....

 

 

 

 

Edited by SueSTx
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Posted (edited)

1 hour ago, Ilovemygrandmaw said:

nThank you RoseRed.......I am a very opened minded woman and I appreciated another person's opinion.  Sometimes we are too close to step back and take a look at all sides........I am exhausted from my Daughter's Drama......DD seems to have two different personalities ...When it's good she will call me first thing in the morning and we will talk numerous times during the day.  We will also spend a lot of time together.....

This ^^^ must be confusing for you. Is it part of her condition?..

It's been her and I since she has been nine years old....and there is nothing more then I want for her is to be a strong and independent woman.  I know that I can't change her that she has to want to create her own life Masterpiece....Personal Growth.  True.

The last place I want to go is to Court......However, I might not have a choice.....I can't image living my life without having my Granddaughter in it...It's not fair to her not to have the only Grandparents she has in her life.  Especially, because I am a good influence and loving soul.   Knowing my Daughter.....I am praying that once she get's out of this episode that she will miss and want to have her Mother back.  She is very Stubborn.....I have reached out to her numerous times via email.....She block my number and also on Facebook......Sounds like she wants some space. Maybe it would help to give it to her for a while and let her have a chance to miss you?....She wants to be treated like an Adult and she acts like a child.........I have suggested Family Therapy something she always said she wanted......then when I want to move forward with it.......she refuses to respond.  It's like **** if I do and **** if I don't. Groan! I just can't handle her abusive ways towards me anymore....I use to ignore it to keep peace.......I really believe that now that I am going to attempt tough love and not allow her to control me......Hopefully, will be a slow new beginning for us.......Looking forward with being here.......I never ever reached out for help or support..............I need it now. Thank You....

I'm glad you decided to reach out for support now. I'm sure you'll get plenty here, as well as some good advice.

Wishing you all the best and hoping you keep us posted!

 

 

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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Welcome @Ilovemygrandmaw. Sorry for the drama you're experiencing...

Please remember that when dealing with someone with mental illness you can't change them. She has to want help. 

What might be a possibility is consider starting therapy alone. You can get some insight into dealing with your specific situation moving forward.  When DD does come back into your life, share this with her and invite her into a session with you. Expect her to reject you initially, just leave the door open. 

Also, grandparents don't generally fare well in going to court to demand visitation. It most likely will create increased animosity between you & DD. Hurt feelings (both yours & GD's) won't fly in court.

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I just want to add that many states do offer some form of Grandparent rights.  I am currently fighting to see my Granddaughter.  She lived with me for the majority of her 6 years of life and now my daughter moved out and wont speak with me.  If I knew what was wrong I would try to fix it.  Anyway, I retained a lawyer and we have gone a few times.  I did she her in December for 2 hours but that isn't enough.  If my daughter wants me out of her life that is one thing but I won't let her make a life choice for my granddaughter and myself.  

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Posted (edited)

Hi again, Roni! It must be so painful to be CO (cut off) from your GD (granddaughter) - especially after having her live w/ you for most of her 6 years! As a GM, myself, I know that would rip my heart out! (((Hugs!)))

To my understanding, the fact that you have had such a strong relationship w/ GD/she lives w/ you for so long may help your case. But, of course, your lawyer would know that better than I.

  If I knew what was wrong I would try to fix it.

Have you asked your daughter? If so, do you feel comfortable giving us some idea of her response? We might be able to help you figure that part out.

Anyhow, I'm glad you had a chance to see GD. I understand why "2 hours" didn't seem like enough after living w/ her all that time - quite a dramatic change! But I hope you get to see her again soon and that you both enjoy every minute (as I'm sure you will). Please keep us posted!

Edited by RoseRed135

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On ‎5‎/‎14‎/‎2016 at 2:22 AM, Boobie said:

I have one grandson who just turned 18. He is my daughter's child. When he was just a year old, my daughter and her husband separated and they came to live with me, in a 1-bedroom apt. for a year. I was working and my daughter stayed home with the baby. Our bedroom was a dormitory..... My bed closest to the bathroom, abutted by my daughter's bed and then the crib. It was difficult living in such proximity but we got along. It was the best of times and the worst of times....to quote Dickens. The best part was having the opportunity to bond so closely with my grandson. My daughter and her husband reconciled just after my GS 2nd birthday.....but I had the joy of having him every weekend. Unfortunately, the reconciliation didn't work out and they separated permanently 2years later.

When they made the final split, I had taken early retirement to care for my mother who had Alzheimer's. I moved into her apartment and gave the furniture to my daughter for her own place. I paid for all her moving expenses and bought her a car ......plus paid daycare for 4 months.

Daycare was when things started to go wrong......but I never really noticed it for about a year. My daughter started dating one of the daycare workers and in less than a year he had moved in with her and my GS. At first he seemed really nice, but my first inkling was when I heard him talk to his father in a very disrespectful and rude manner. I was shocked. Just a few weeks later, he spoke to his mother in the same way while we were visiting his sister. Now I'm getting worried, but I kept my mouth shut. As the months went by, my daughter and my GS told me stories about what was happening at home. I was still very close to them. My daughter had no problem confiding in me. ......same with my GS who I saw at least 3 times a week and took care of when he was sick.

I'm single and my daughter and my GS were the joy of my life..... A special bright light during those 5 dark years of caring for my mother. My GS and I had a very special bond that I thought would never be broken. Things really made a turn for the worse the day after my daughter remarried. Suddenly, my SIL was exerting his husbandly authority and making me out to be someone my daughter needed protection from. Having worked in healthcare, I suddenly realized that my new SIL was exhibiting all the classic signs of an abuser. I tried to discuss it several times with my daughter, but it was too late....he had already ensnared her.....she wasn't going to leave another marriage.....she felt she wasn't strong enough to be on her own.

The big bomb dropped when she told me they had bought a house about an hour's drive away....and, No, I couldn't stay over. That meant I could no longer take my GS to his swimming or music lessons or anything else on a weeknight. In addition, they were neglecting him.....leaving him alone at night while they went shopping, not following up on doctor's recommendations, giving him no assistance with schoolwork......and the list goes on. Very soon they would find any ridiculous reason to restrict my activities with my GS. And slowly but surely, in less than a year after their move itcwas over. First they blocked my telephone calls, then they changed my GS email, Skype, cell phone no. and took his mail. I was blocked from his Facebook and Twitter accounts. On several occasions I drove to their house, hoping to catch my GS on his way home from school.....on one of these occasions, my SIL was home and saw my car drive by. He then jumped in his jeep and blocked my car. When I calmly asked him whether my GS was home he said, " B. You have no grandson"  And that was the end. I had a wonderful relationship with my GS for 12 years and then he was gone......what's worse, I was no longer there for him when he needed someone.

How do I cope? I see a therapist once a week.....none of my friends or family want to see my tears anymore. I tried mediation, but both people need to participate and my daughter just stalled for a few months until the mediator gave up. 

But hope came back into my life, just 4 months ago.....a support group that a friend read about in the paper. I couldn't believe it when I went to my first meeting..I wasn't alone. And now as I sit there and listen to the stories....they're all different, yet all the same.....the common denominator in every person's story is the " Alienator" who preyed upon our adult child when s/he was vulnerable. Just like he manipulated his own parents my SIL manipulated and "brainwashed" my daughter and together they did the same to my GS. 

So now my GS is 18. Legally he can do whatever he wants...yes. He could telephone me, I haven't changed my number......but he won't because he doesn't remember or know the real me....he only knows what he's been told over the past 6 years.

But I have no intention of giving up hope of a reconciliation..... and it is this hope that gets me through my morning cry.

This sounds similarto my sitiation. My daughter has me at my crazy. She has twins  and I helped with them for two years until she kicked me out said get a job now. Needless to say our relationship is strained. But I did not give up. I got so close to the twins. We cried the twins and me. I could tell something was wrong with her and SIL. I should have said something but I didnt.  I stay quite and try hard not to say things. Bc it's their kids their parenting. Fast forward to now. About 9 months ago she told me her therapist  once week is going through adolescent years and she does not want to see me or see her gc.  I fell apart. I been seeing therapist one year. I am close to the gd Really close. At Christmas I got to see them for 2 hours at a park. I was so happy happy. Then their bday a week later got to talk on the phone. Over the phoned GD was different.

I've been a mess since this started 9 months ago. It's been so hard. Why does it hurt so much. DD is getting a divorce, I found out from a close source. DD has not said anything to me. The GC turned 5. I have 8 GC.  Ages 5 to 24. I've gone thru similar problems with the older GC, causing years to go by without seeing  them. I have selfish kids who now are better but in the meantime years past GC are not close anymore. I see them. but it's not the same.

I need advice or suggestions. I can't take it. Don't understand how DD can do this. I do stay away waiting  for her to come around. Now I'm ****** and so mad that  decided not to bug DD and let her come around. Problem is seems she likes me not being around.  The kids are little enough to forget about me. That is what torn me apart can't sleep, its horrible would not wish this on my enemy. I decided to leave her alone no calls no visits nothing. DR seems she likes it. 

Plus she has relatives over or parties and of  course I dont get invited. Hurtful so hurtful.  Advice suggestions thank you 

 

Edited by SueSTx
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@nadgmz - Welcome!  I'm so sorry that you're hurting, but glad you decided to reach out to us!

Why does it hurt so much?

Probably b/c the change was so dramatic -  You were kicked out of what was your home for 2 years, for one thing. Then, on top of that, you were used to being w/ your twin GC every day for 2 years, and now suddenly, you only see them on special occasions.

A few comments in your post jumped out at me:

The GC turned 5.

So chances are, DD doesn't need your help as much, especially if they're in kindergarten or will be soon. If it's any comfort, changes in childcare arrangements are bound to happen, as kids get older, even though this one, unfortunately, came about in a very abrupt and painful way.

DD is getting a divorce, I found out from a close source. DD has not said anything to me.

Are you sure it's true then? Regardless, it sounds as if DD has been going through a difficult time in her marriage. Dealing w/ any issues she may have w/ you, as well, may just be too much right now.

I've gone thru similar problems with the older GC, causing years to go by without seeing  them.

Oh, honey, how awful! (((Hugs!))) Is there any common denominator involved? Anything that seemed to set off the parents in each case? Something that perhaps you can change so relations will improve?

Anyhow, IMO, it's a good sign that you saw the twins at Christmas and got to talk to them on their birthday. It shows DD is not trying to cut you off altogether. I hope you were cheerful and loving when you saw/spoke to them and didn't complain about not getting to see them more often. I think you're right not to "bug" DD. Sad to say, she may like not having you around, right now,,,, sigh,,, but if you pressure her, she's only likely to push you away more. Please make the best of whatever time you get w/ the twins and don't look for more.

I'm glad you're in therapy. Hopefully, that will help you get through this. And, hopefully, talking w/ us will, as well. More (((hugs!)))

 

 

 

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Thank you for comforting words.  Yes the common denominator is I'm pushy controlling. I've apologized to my two sons. My DIL both are territorial and not much wanting to share the GC. These ones are all older now teens and above. Therapy helped me to realize how demanding I can be. With DD I have backed off completely.  I take responsibility for my behavior I wish it is not so painful and my heart hurts so much. 

Thank you again. I am so happy to have found this site. I love it. 

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nadgmz...I am sorry you found us because of your painful situation.  I am going to repost your comment here, because I found it hard to get through the whole quote.

This sounds similarto my sitiation. My daughter has me at my crazy. She has twins  and I helped with them for two years until she kicked me out said get a job now. Needless to say our relationship is strained. But I did not give up. I got so close to the twins. We cried the twins and me. I could tell something was wrong with her and SIL. I should have said something but I didnt.  I stay quite and try hard not to say things. Bc it's their kids their parenting. Fast forward to now. About 9 months ago she told me her therapist  once week is going through adolescent years and she does not want to see me or see her gc.  I fell apart. I been seeing therapist one year. I am close to the gd Really close. At Christmas I got to see them for 2 hours at a park. I was so happy happy. Then their bday a week later got to talk on the phone. Over the phoned GD was different.

I've been a mess since this started 9 months ago. It's been so hard. Why does it hurt so much. DD is getting a divorce, I found out from a close source. DD has not said anything to me. The GC turned 5. I have 8 GC.  Ages 5 to 24. I've gone thru similar problems with the older GC, causing years to go by without seeing  them. I have selfish kids who now are better but in the meantime years past GC are not close anymore. I see them. but it's not the same.

I need advice or suggestions. I can't take it. Don't understand how DD can do this. I do stay away waiting  for her to come around. Now I'm ****** and so mad that  decided not to bug DD and let her come around. Problem is seems she likes me not being around.  The kids are little enough to forget about me. That is what torn me apart can't sleep, its horrible would not wish this on my enemy. I decided to leave her alone no calls no visits nothing. DR seems she likes it. 

Plus she has relatives over or parties and of  course I dont get invited. Hurtful so hurtful.  Advice suggestions thank you 

(((((HUGS)))))

My DD and SIL used to bring their baby every Sunday for lunch.  The first year of her life, we never went more than seven days without seeing them.  Then the time began to stretch out and we sometimes traveled to our DSs to visit with his family for a long weekend etc.  When GD was in the fourth grade, the visits stopped.  My DD filed for a divorce.  They worked things out and got back together before they ever went to court...but both lawyers still had to be paid.  I try extra hard to not appear to "meddle" in their lives.  Knowing too much can also put us in an awkward situation.

Granddaughter has spent a few nights with us scattered through that five years and we have enjoyed that.

Now GD is 14 and in high school and we are lucky if we get to see her about every three months and they only live 30 minutes away.  They are all busy with life and I do understand that.  Things have gradually gotten better though and they were here to celebrate both Thanksgiving and again Saturday before Christmas. 

I guess my reply is to say that there may be hope.  We went for five years without our entire family spending any holidays together to spends them both together this year.

Maybe continue with your counseling and continue to give your DD the time and space she appears to need.  After all, we can only change ourselves.  Maybe a little more time will help you also.

 

Edited by SueSTx
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I see we have several new members taking part in this discussion.  Welcome to you all.  Here is a post from our Administrator with very helpful information.

 

 

Also, here is a link to this sites guidelines...please take a few minutes and look over them.

 

 

Edited by SueSTx
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11 minutes ago, nadgmz said:

Thank you for comforting words.  Yes the common denominator is I'm pushy controlling. I've apologized to my two sons. My DIL both are territorial and not much wanting to share the GC. These ones are all older now teens and above. Therapy helped me to realize how demanding I can be. With DD I have backed off completely.  I take responsibility for my behavior I wish it is not so painful and my heart hurts so much. 

Thank you again. I am so happy to have found this site. I love it. 

I'm glad you appreciate us, nadgmz! I'm happy you found this site, too!

And while I'm sorry you've "pushy controlling" w/ your AC (adult children) and DILs, I hope it will bring you some more comfort to realize that a lot of parents/GPs have this problem. IDK for sure, but I imagine it comes from being in control when our kids were growing up - some people have a harder time than others letting that control go.

I also think it's awesome that you've come to recognize this about yourself through therapy.  Not everyone can see their part in estrangements from their AC and families and not everyone will admit it if they do see it. The fact that you can be honest w/ yourself about it and have "backed off completely" where DD is concerned is probably why you're getting to see/talk to her kids. I know a 2-hour visit here and a phone call there may not seem like "enough" (though I also know you didn't say that). But it's better than not seeing/talking to them at all, as I'm sure you realize. It's good to see that you've apologized to your DSs, as well. No doubt, they appreciate it.

I take it the twins include a GD and a GS since you specifically mention GD. But that brings me to another thought. You told us"

I am close to the gd Really close.

Is it possible that DD resents this closeness? Or that she thinks it's unfair to GS? Among the many things I've learned on these boards is the fact that parents will often limit their kids' time w/ a GP if they think one GC is being favored over another. Not saying that you do favor GD over GS, just that it might seem that way to DD. If this is an issue, please make sure you're treating them both w/ the same affection, etc., whether you're w/ them in person or just talking to them. (I know you love them both, no question.)

I hope things get better sooner rather than later.

 

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7 hours ago, SueSTx said:

My DD and SIL used to bring their baby every Sunday for lunch.  The first year of her life, we never went more than seven days without seeing them.  Then the time began to stretch out and we sometimes traveled to our DSs to visit with his family for a long weekend etc.  When GD was in the fourth grade, the visits stopped.  My DD filed for a divorce.  They worked things out and got back together before they ever went to court...but both lawyers still had to be paid.  I try extra hard to not appear to "meddle" in their lives.  Knowing too much can also put us in an awkward situation.

Granddaughter has spent a few nights with us scattered through that five years and we have enjoyed that.

Now GD is 14 and in high school and we are lucky if we get to see her about every three months and they only live 30 minutes away.  They are all busy with life and I do understand that.  Things have gradually gotten better though and they were here to celebrate both Thanksgiving and again Saturday before Christmas. 

Sue makes very valid points ^ here. As kids grow - they add activities and are busy with studies.

ETA: nadgmz, the below is to your questions.

Many gc never spend nights, some gc don't leave home until they are 3-4 because of naps/nursing etc. Many gc become part of a larger group of siblings never leaving home except for school and activities - that continues on until everyone is older.

Divorce adds an additional layer, where/when are the kids spending time with their own parents?

I'd think seeing gc for Christmas was a good thing. Remember these are NOT your children, they ARE, rightly, under the control of their parents. I assume all parents are territorial with their children, but maybe I don't know the correct definition.

Counseling is a great idea. I'd say keep up counseling and self-reflection.

Edited by JanelleK

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Yes you make great points. I have come to realize DD and SIL became territorial and resentful towards me. When twins were born I was there to help. However becoming close to the twins is what breaks my heart. I hadn't realized I became intrusive. As DD pushed me out GC lives I latched on even more. Causing where we are now. I didnt get to see them for 8 months. I was their babysitter at the drop of a dime to a stranger.  It's been so hard. I cry bc I'm hurting inside. Little things here and there remind me of them. DD doesent get it. It's difficult to accept DD is doing this to me on purpose. 

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5 hours ago, nadgmz said:

Yes you make great points. I have come to realize DD and SIL became territorial and resentful towards me. When twins were born I was there to help. However becoming close to the twins is what breaks my heart. I hadn't realized I became intrusive. As DD pushed me out GC lives I latched on even more. Causing where we are now. I didnt get to see them for 8 months. I was their babysitter at the drop of a dime to a stranger.  It's been so hard. I cry bc I'm hurting inside. Little things here and there remind me of them. DD doesent get it. It's difficult to accept DD is doing this to me on purpose. 

Once again, of course you hurt, nadgmz! And that 8 months must have seemed like eternity!

I'm glad you're beginning to get to see and talk to the twins now. If you accept the parents' limits on how often and how long that can happen, I'm sure the time will, eventually, increase. They have to be sure, I imagine, that you won't try to "latch on" again.

I wish I had words to say that could make this easier. I'm sure I don't. But perhaps it would help to try not to think of this as something "DD is doing.. to (you),"  Instead, perhaps try thinking of it as "something she's doing to preserve her family unit."  IOWs, maybe view it as a shield (against intrusiveness) for them, not a weapon against you.... Peace... Patience...

Edited by RoseRed135
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Thank you. That does make alot of sense. ❤❤

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6 hours ago, nadgmz said:

Yes you make great points. I have come to realize DD and SIL became territorial and resentful towards me. When twins were born I was there to help. However becoming close to the twins is what breaks my heart. I hadn't realized I became intrusive. As DD pushed me out GC lives I latched on even more. Causing where we are now. I didnt get to see them for 8 months. I was their babysitter at the drop of a dime to a stranger.  It's been so hard. I cry bc I'm hurting inside. Little things here and there remind me of them. DD doesent get it. It's difficult to accept DD is doing this to me on purpose

Maybe she is doing it FOR you....she and/or the GC can not be your whole life. You must take joy in other people, places, things, hobbies.

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True. I realize those things posted. It's been 10 months and I still have big hole in my gut. As well as having a meltdown, now it's few times a week. I'm trying hard to understand. It's not like we had a big fight. So it makes it even worse. But I have to push forward and pray it works out. Thanks 

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All these post are interesting and make good points. I have 2 DILs, it is true do u take a stand or walk on eggshells to get CO anyway? Luckily for me these GC are all grown into HS or early 20s. There is no right or wrong answer. I come to realize even if u do the right thing getting CO will still happen.  As mentioned above the signs are all there. But we are caught up with GC we cant see it until too late. My sitation it happened getting CO for a while from CG by DIL and DS. 

My heartwrench now is my DD who CO my baby twins. It's been 9 hard months.  I have seen them once the day after xmas 4 two hours at a park. Ans talked on the phone three times.

Yes now looking back the signs were all there. Did i pullback or ask about it, no. Bc I had gone  thru this with my DSs,  I thoght it will never happen again. The impact is so much deeper I'm seeing a therapist and psychiatrist since Jan. 2107. With DD is the most hurtful spiteful mean thing to do.  She won't tell me exactly Why? She text me saying does not want to see me and she does not want her children see me either. I've done everything she asks and im still CO. So back to this topic it's a hard call of doing the right thing or going for it spending and loving GC till we are CO. 

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55 minutes ago, nadgmz said:

All these post are interesting and make good points. I have 2 DILs, it is true do u take a stand or walk on eggshells to get CO anyway? Luckily for me these GC are all grown into HS or early 20s. There is no right or wrong answer. I come to realize even if u do the right thing getting CO will still happen.  As mentioned above the signs are all there. But we are caught up with GC we cant see it until too late. My sitation it happened getting CO for a while from CG by DIL and DS. 

My heartwrench now is my DD who CO my baby twins. It's been 9 hard months.  I have seen them once the day after xmas 4 two hours at a park. Ans talked on the phone three times.

Yes now looking back the signs were all there. Did i pullback or ask about it, no. Bc I had gone  thru this with my DSs,  I thoght it will never happen again. The impact is so much deeper I'm seeing a therapist and psychiatrist since Jan. 2107. With DD is the most hurtful spiteful mean thing to do.  She won't tell me exactly Why? She text me saying does not want to see me and she does not want her children see me either. I've done everything she asks and im still CO. So back to this topic it's a hard call of doing the right thing or going for it spending and loving GC till we are CO. 

Once again, I feel for you deeply, nadgmz. It must hurt unbearably to have your DD say she "does not want to see (you)," let alone not wanting her kids to see you either!

But are you suggesting that COs are inevitable? That every GP will get CO, eventually?

Edited by RoseRed135

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Inevitable?  

I'm from a family of six siblings...I had never heard of cutting off anyone.  Of course any adult is allowed to avoid anyone that makes their life hard.

My teenaged son told his PGM that he would never speak to her again, I sure can't remember a time he did, though he did send her an invitation to his wedding.  She told her only granddaughter she couldn't attend her wedding because her knee was going to her.  My mother had shots in her knee and road 1000 miles to go to the same wedding.

Sometimes a cut off is about a thousand paper cuts more than a single event.

Sometimes my only DIL will call me two or three times a week and talk for an hour.  Sometimes she doesn't call for a month and then call and talk two hours and ask if her and the kids can come visit.  I never assume I have done 'something'.  Life with a 9 yr old and an 18 month old is busy.

Edited by SueSTx

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My mom was a good one for "just cut them off"...which was actually VLC. What it meant to her was that she didn't initiate contact, was polite/civil in public and then talk smack about someone behind their back. 

Publicly snubbing someone, to me just makes me look bad. Hence, VLC. These are people I don't contact or include in my life in any way. There is little to no drama. 

I think Sue's son did the right thing including PGM in his wedding invitations. Courtesy is important, it's part of learning to take the high road. DsD did the same thing with my mom, who wouldn't be able to travel to the wedding regardless. 

The 1000 paper cuts is a good analogy. Just can't take it anymore, so won't. 

3 hours ago, nadgmz said:

The impact is so much deeper I'm seeing a therapist and psychiatrist since Jan. 2107.

What's your therapist's take on all this...(perfectly OK to not answer, don't mean to to pry). Have you changed any of your behaviors moving forward. Actually, you aren't CO...it is VLC (VVLC, but VLC nonetheless). Check your own responses and behaviors, be brutal...do you see anything that might be causing AC to pull back? Are there behaviors/attitudes AC don't want around their kids? These children may be your GK, but they aren't your kids, so you don't get to decide anything. Go with the flow and be appropriate to the parents' wishes. 

xDIL has a totally different parenting style than I...I do have to bite my tongue sometimes...not my kids. However, they fly into my arms when I see them, we do special things together (with and without parents), I go to ballet recitals, baseball/basketball/soccer games (not all, my boys are very busy in 4 different towns) and sit in on school meetings when asked. I volunteer in classrooms. I've threatened to go to school for behavior issues (oldest GB, behaviors not repeated). Trust is a very important point with us. I'm a safe port in their storm of life. We're working on public transportation for them to get from their home to mine should the need arise...I'm teaching old fashioned map reading, which they find fascinating. 

The only time I ever intervened with any of my AC is when DD/SIL hit a rough patch in their marriage. #1GB overheard some things that a (then) 8yo should not hear. You never involve kids in grownup business! I told DD/SIL, that if GB was involved any further in this that he'd be coming to live with me until they could get their **** together. I meant it and they knew it. SIL says "she can't do that"...DD says "watch her"....They quickly straightened out their issues and moved forward.

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