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7 posts in this topic

To what degree do you feel overall family dynamics are impacted the more involved a GP is w/ the care of their GC?

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Loads. CPS took my daughter from me because I was smoking pot. There were allegations of abuse and neglect that were unfounded but CPS claimed that if I didn't make an agreement with the paternal grandmother that my little girl would be put in foster care and I would not be able to see her anymore. As soon as the agreement was made I was kicked out of their house where I was living with the father (by the GPs). One of the points of agreement was that I could get full custody back when I had a safe environment with a room for my daughter. I am on disability and this part has been impossible until now when I finally found a rent to own place. I have always remained in my daughter's life as much as the courts and GPs will let me. I have never failed another drug test and take them weekly. It has now been almost 3 and a half years later and the grandmother does whatever she can to keep me out of my daughters life. She even insists that my daughter call her mommy. It has confused my daughter so much that she asked my mother if she was going to be her mommy for the weekend when she took her camping. She asked if her Nonna was both of ours mom. She asked if her Nonna was going to take her away from me if I didn't do exactly what she said. It seems to me that there is much distress and confusion going on in that area, but when I tried to bring it up with my daughter's therapist she said she didn't see a problem with those things. She also referred to our situation as a foster care situation even though I see her at bare minimum 8 hours a week and take her to school and appointments and come by to see her as often as the GPs will let me which some weeks is 2 other days and some weeks not at all. I don't know how to explain this dynamic to my daughter, it's hard to even understand myself. I don't know how to co parent with her grandmother. Now that I have all my ducks in a row I don't know how to safely and securely get care transferred back to me, upsetting her as little as possible.

I have told her grandmother (Nonna) how much I appreciate someone like her being there for my daughter. I have told Nonna how important their relationship is to both her and I and that I would never try to push her out of my daughters life. But it seems like no matter what I say to her she irrationally believes that I am just going to take her away. The better I am doing the stronger Nonnas choke hold is on my daughter. If anyone can offer any suggestions on how I should deal with these things they are much welcomed. HELP!!!!!

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Loves...(((hugs)))...I can't imagine the pain of having a child removed from my care by CPS.

Do I understand correctly that you and your daughter were living with the father at the paternal grandmothers when someone reported you to CPS?  You say you were smoking pot, were you neglecting care for your daughter while under the influence? or was the grandmother caring for the child?  Does your disability prevent you from being the sole support of your daughter?

Anyway, my understand is that if a child is removed by CPs, only CPS can return that child to the parent?  Have you tried that?

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Yes I was living with the father and grandparents when CPS was called. There were allegations of abuse and neglect but they were unsubstantiated. I got a letter clearing me of those things after the agreement was made and my daughter was safe and healthy and well bonded and cared for. I was using pot to help with my mental issues and lack of sleep. At the time I was not but so mentally stable because the doctors insisted that I was bipolar even though I have never ever felt manic. Being treated for the wrong mental illness is worse than not being treated. CPS claimed that I was self harming but that was proven to be untrue as well. Now I know that I have borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and severe reoccurring depressive disorder without psychotic features. I was never a danger and am now well treated and completely mentally stable. The thing that took the longest was finding a place to live with a room for her when I could barely afford a room for me with roommates. Don't get me wrong I am very grateful that there was someone there to take care of her when I was not as capable as possible. The things that bother me are that this plan was signed before CPS looked into any of the other things for that I was cleared for without prejudice. Also no matter how much I continued to ask to see her more and how well I am doing now I am still denied as much access to her as Nonna possibly can. In fact the better I am able to prove I am doing the worse it gets as to where now that I have a place with a room for her, she is scheduling things during my allowed time with her and refusing to make up the time even though the guardian ad litum said she has to. You are right I am going to have to go through the courts. But my daughter has an attachment disorder from the trauma of losing her father and I and ADHD and is extremely adverse to change. I was hoping to very slowly transition her back into my care by adding an hour here, two hours there sort of thing and I am extremely worried it will add to the trauma if things are changed abruptly. I guess I am wanting advice on how to work with Nonna to make things as smooth for her as possible and also what to tell her about the family dynamics. I would not ever want her to think that it was my choice to leave her but I also don't want her to know that though Nonna has the choice she simply will not let her see me more often. She loves and needs her Nonna and that has been a stable relationship for her. Ahhh so complicated!!

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So, the agreement was made out side of the CPS or family court?  and Nonna has full say in how much you get to visit?

I'm so sorry you are having these issues, but it seems nothing short of a family lawyer or court can make a change now.

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Posted (edited)

On 7/22/2017 at 3:31 PM, Lovesarisoomuch said:

Loads. CPS took my daughter from me because I was smoking pot. There were allegations of abuse and neglect that were unfounded but CPS claimed that if I didn't make an agreement with the paternal grandmother that my little girl would be put in foster care and I would not be able to see her anymore. As soon as the agreement was made I was kicked out of their house where I was living with the father (by the GPs). One of the points of agreement was that I could get full custody back when I had a safe environment with a room for my daughter. I am on disability and this part has been impossible until now when I finally found a rent to own place. I have always remained in my daughter's life as much as the courts and GPs will let me. I have never failed another drug test and take them weekly. It has now been almost 3 and a half years later and the grandmother does whatever she can to keep me out of my daughters life. She even insists that my daughter call her mommy. It has confused my daughter so much that she asked my mother if she was going to be her mommy for the weekend when she took her camping. She asked if her Nonna was both of ours mom. She asked if her Nonna was going to take her away from me if I didn't do exactly what she said. It seems to me that there is much distress and confusion going on in that area, but when I tried to bring it up with my daughter's therapist she said she didn't see a problem with those things. She also referred to our situation as a foster care situation even though I see her at bare minimum 8 hours a week and take her to school and appointments and come by to see her as often as the GPs will let me which some weeks is 2 other days and some weeks not at all. I don't know how to explain this dynamic to my daughter, it's hard to even understand myself. I don't know how to co parent with her grandmother. Now that I have all my ducks in a row I don't know how to safely and securely get care transferred back to me, upsetting her as little as possible.

I have told her grandmother (Nonna) how much I appreciate someone like her being there for my daughter. I have told Nonna how important their relationship is to both her and I and that I would never try to push her out of my daughters life. But it seems like no matter what I say to her she irrationally believes that I am just going to take her away. The better I am doing the stronger Nonnas choke hold is on my daughter. If anyone can offer any suggestions on how I should deal with these things they are much welcomed. HELP!!!!!

Welcome Loves! My heart is aching for you! I would have read and responded to your story sooner, but I was away (w/o Internet access) for a week or so. Also, of course, there's a lot to take in. But I feel for you. I know you must miss your little girl terribly when you're not w/ her.  It must hurt very much not being able to live w/ her and see her every day. (((Hugs!)))

Also, I'm sorry to hear you were misdiagnosed originally. Glad you have the right diagnosis now and are receiving the correct and most effective treatment.

Kudos to you for getting your life in order and passing all the drug tests, etc! And I'm glad you appreciate the fact that the PGPs (paternal grandparents) were/are available to love and care for your DD (dear daughter). It must have been quite a painful shock, though, to have them kick you out so quickly after the agreement was made. It's very likely that CPS required that they remove you from the house, at first, on the threat of taking DD to strangers/foster parents she doesn't know if the PGPs didn't comply. But I get that this was still hurtful for you.

If it's any comfort, it's not unusual, to my understanding, for this kind of situation to be considered "foster care," even though you get to see DD, etc. Since she's living w/ non-parents relatives (sans any parent) and CPS is involved, I believe, it's officially seen as "kinship foster care." But, of course, the name doesn't change the circumstances.

I'm sorry that the visitation isn't more consistent, Have you tried taking it up w/ CPS?  If she's not adhering to the GAL's (guardian ad litum's) instructions, perhaps you need to let the GAL know? I'm not sure if Nonna is supposed to let you have more time than allotted by CPS - some states/CPS agencies would remove the child from the GP's/relative's care if that were happening. So Nonna may be taking a major chance on the weeks when she lets you visit DD for additional time. Do you find that the weeks when she "schedules things during (your) allowed time" come directly after those where she lets you see DD more often? It might be better for all if both you and Nonna stick to the allotted time, unless you can arrange for more through CPS or the courts.

No doubt, some of this is confusing for DD, as you say, especially if Nonna is pushing her to call her "Mommy," etc. ( though, unless you heard Nonna say this, that may just be a mistaken perception on the part of your child). If the therapist "didn't see a problem with" these issues, it may be b/c , from what I've read/heard, they are common in these, well, yes, foster care situations, whether "kinship" or otherwise. However, if you don't think the therapist is taking these problems seriously enough, would it be possible to change therapists?

About transitioning DD back gradually - IMO, that's an excellent idea -- and very loving and unselfish of you! But, I admit, IDK the extent to which the courts  or CPS are willing/able to facilitate this kind of transition. And, of course, IDK how cooperative Nonna would be. This, too, I think you will have to work out through the courts, and, hopefully, w/ the help of the GAL..

As for "explaining" the inconsistent visits to DD, I'm no therapist, but, I think the best way to "explain" would be that "some weeks things work out better than others b/c of everyone's schedules/plans..." IMO, she doesn't need to know all the ins and outs of the "family dynamics."

Wishing you all the strength you need to continue to deal w/ this scenario.

 

On 7/23/2017 at 9:23 PM, Lovesarisoomuch said:

Yes I was living with the father and grandparents when CPS was called. There were allegations of abuse and neglect but they were unsubstantiated. I got a letter clearing me of those things after the agreement was made and my daughter was safe and healthy and well bonded and cared for. I was using pot to help with my mental issues and lack of sleep. At the time I was not but so mentally stable because the doctors insisted that I was bipolar even though I have never ever felt manic. Being treated for the wrong mental illness is worse than not being treated. CPS claimed that I was self harming but that was proven to be untrue as well. Now I know that I have borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and severe reoccurring depressive disorder without psychotic features. I was never a danger and am now well treated and completely mentally stable. The thing that took the longest was finding a place to live with a room for her when I could barely afford a room for me with roommates. Don't get me wrong I am very grateful that there was someone there to take care of her when I was not as capable as possible. The things that bother me are that this plan was signed before CPS looked into any of the other things for that I was cleared for without prejudice. Also no matter how much I continued to ask to see her more and how well I am doing now I am still denied as much access to her as Nonna possibly can. In fact the better I am able to prove I am doing the worse it gets as to where now that I have a place with a room for her, she is scheduling things during my allowed time with her and refusing to make up the time even though the guardian ad litum said she has to. You are right I am going to have to go through the courts. But my daughter has an attachment disorder from the trauma of losing her father and I and ADHD and is extremely adverse to change. I was hoping to very slowly transition her back into my care by adding an hour here, two hours there sort of thing and I am extremely worried it will add to the trauma if things are changed abruptly. I guess I am wanting advice on how to work with Nonna to make things as smooth for her as possible and also what to tell her about the family dynamics. I would not ever want her to think that it was my choice to leave her but I also don't want her to know that though Nonna has the choice she simply will not let her see me more often. She loves and needs her Nonna and that has been a stable relationship for her. Ahhh so complicated!!

 

Edited by RoseRed135
for clarity and to add a few thoughts

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Posted (edited)

@Lovesarisoomuch - P.S. Usually, we ask members not to bump up threads that are more than 3 months old, unless they are the OP (original poster) or it's a "sitckypost"/thread pinned to the front of a forum. This one is over a year old. As such, ordinarily, I would lock it down. However, since I understand why this topic spoke to you and, somehow, no one answered the opening question previously, I'm going to leave it open.

Please, however, be more careful about this. And please, of course, keep in touch. :)

Edited by RoseRed135
1 person likes this

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