• Announcements

    • LaToyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LaToyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
INCOGNITO

What to do

14 posts in this topic

My son and his girlfriend got pregnant right before going to prison and I was asked to pick my granddaughter from hospital at birth and keep her till they were released (7 months) after mother was released she had no where to go so we let her live with us taking on her needs as well the my son was released and also moved in giving us more to take care of, they did get jobs fairly quickly but only expecting me to baby sit all the time which I do not mind  I love her very much and since I took care of her for the first seven months we did/do have a strong bond. The problem is the mother seems very jealous of this bond witch I can understand to a point so I have tried to not to be pushie and to give her space for them to bond witch I feel I have done. I have tried to help anyway I can like washing bottles, clothes ,anything that doesn't have to do directly with the baby and anything she asks for help with. But they do live with me so when I can't take the crying anymore and momma yelling at her (witch makes me crazy since she is only 10 no old) I try to calm them both but all I get is flack and blamed for spoiling her. They live here rent free ,I babysit for free,half the time I pay for food and anytime a meal is cooked it is by me, they show no appreciation ,make messes I have to clean or live in filth, they have no respect for my thing breaking quite a few things since coming back but my biggest complaint is how they make me feel for trying to help and for the space they are trying to put between me and my granddaughter. Telling me I'm spoiling her by picking her up when she cries, for the time I'm taking care of her while they work like I'm keeping them from thier kid because I babysit for them. My son is about to have to go back to prison for a while and now his girlfriend is pregnant agian and they just expect me and my husband to take care of her and the babies till he comes back and I'm just not sure I can handle it. I don't feel we should have to hide from our granddaughter so she won't cry for us and I'm just not going to ignore her and live around her like she doesn't exist. I am so at a loss as what to do. Am I wrong to feel this way? To want what I want? What do I do? Any advice or thoughts ? Would appreciate any and all. Thanks

Anonymous poster hash: 01229...b7a

Edited by SueSTx
Trying to help.
2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh honey, its way past time for a family meeting and a budget summit! You can phrase it as a prelude to them/her getting on her feet so she can get a place of her own. Parenting classes for both are needed. She should be helping around the house. Draw up a chores list and clearly state your expectations. 

Please keep us posted. Feel free to jump in anywhere.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel sorry for you and this baby.  I really don't know a working solution to this issue.  I can only imagine how you must feel hearing this baby cry and "knowing" her mother is there and not doing anything to soothe the baby.  Now with a new one on the way,  

Would it be possible for you to go to a family counselor?  I know with the added expense of your son and his family to feed, it might be hard to come by the money to do so.

 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome New Member! My heart goes out to you and this baby! And to the mom, also, b/c chances are she's having a hard time. Have to go now, but will be back later or tomorrow. Best to you!

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Mame925 said:

Oh honey, its way past time for a family meeting and a budget summit! You can phrase it as a prelude to them/her getting on her feet so she can get a place of her own. Parenting classes for both are needed. She should be helping around the house. Draw up a chores list and clearly state your expectations. 

Please keep us posted. Feel free to jump in anywhere.

^^^ Totally agree with what Mame said ,,,,you need to sit down and explain that  while you're helping them with your GC ,  their baby,,THEY need to help around the house also . I take it the gf'ds family isn't around or isn't helping ?  It can't be all on your and DH's shoulders...and yes, the mom needs some type of parenting classes for sure.   Too bad she doesn't have a close GF that she could room with or other friends to help out.  I feel that you  and DH need to decide what needs to be done so you won't be continued to be taken advantaged of.    Also, maybe you need to take my SIL's approach to babysitting , she feels if she's watching her GK's  , SHE is allowed to decide what to do while they're under their roof  ...their  AC  know not to complain if they want  or need her and my bro to babysit.  ...Being  your DS and his GF are living in your home,  you should have the say so as to what goes on , meaning pick up your GC and hold her all you want !!   If the gf doesn't like it ,,,maybe it will spur her on to start checking out other places to live . jmo.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you have legal guardianship of your GD?

Frankly, I'm not sure there is a solution to this situation wherein everyone is happy in the end. If your DS and his gf are this combative, defensive, ungrateful and leech-like, are terrible parents and they have the rich irresponsibility to get pregnant again....you can set boundaries and budgets and rules but you may find they respond to being asked to assume responsibility with anger.

i hope Not, but in my first hand experience in this situation, that's how it often goes down. Mames advice is good and I agree with it wholeheartedly. I am going to also suggest you speak privately with a family law lawyer about positioning yourself to potentially gain custody of your GD and possibly the new baby, if you an handle it, if needed. Just in case.

Edited by Skatie
2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Addressing one thing at a time might work better than a summit/family meeting that addresses too much at once- Write down everything you would address if a meeting were to take place, prioritize each item and then begin to address them one at a time- I say this because at this stage in the game asking for too much all at once could erupt and cause even more conflict and defensiveness- If mom and kid/s continue to live with you while your son is in prison it will provide you with the opportunity to teach mom one step at a time to stand on her own two feet so that by the time your son gets out of prison he will come home to a working household be it your household or one his girlfriend set up- A simple chore list could begin to foster mutual respect, appreciation and consistency by way of contribution, all of which it seems to me that you are seeking in your household- It can be done, even in worse case scenarios- Frequently once people realize they can stand on their own two feet they want to move out and move on to a place of their own- 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The gf has to be willing to be taught to stand on her own feet before any teaching can take place.  It really doesn't sound like she is to that place yet, and if she is there while the son is back in prison, he won't be there to act as a buffer between the two.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No one says this will be easy or particularly pretty. Expect some blowback. Then remind them that they are not children needing to be taken care of, that they are now parents in an adult committed relationship and its time for them to learn the responsibilities of both. Let them know you are willing to teach them these skills that they are lacking. You are kind and generous, you are also being taken advantage of because of their immaturity. 

Komo makes a good point about taking it an issue at a time if you think that putting everything on the table at once may be too overwhelming. Lists are always helpful...those visual reminders can help tremendously.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Back again... Whew! It definitely sounds like there are a lot of issues going on at once! I like Mame's advice, but also agree w/ Komorebi that it may be more effective to deal w/ one or two issues at a time.

Regardless, bless you and DH for being there for DS and family and for being willing and ready to babysit while they work! It's good that DS and GF got jobs, right away, but I'm not clear on whether or not they pay any "rent" or cover any of the household bills. If not, IMO, they should, but that, of course, is between you and them.

I'm sorry they just expected that you would watch baby while they work. But you don't say what you thought they would do (perhaps you were hoping they'd enroll her in daycare?) or if you said anything about it to them before GD was born. While it does sound to me as if they tend to take advantage, I also think there needs to be more communication before things happen. Hopefully, you can discuss your expectations and boundaries before the second baby comes, unless as Sue suggests, they would just react w/ anger. It's a tricky situation, no doubt.

It's understandable, IMO (in my opinion), that GD's bond w/ you is hard on the GF and, IMO, too, it's very wise and kind of you to make yourself scarce when GF is there w/ her. I get that it's difficult and  maybe a little frustrating for you. But it may pay off in the future, if all else is worked out (I know that's a big "if").

It sounds as if DS and GF are of the CIO (cry it out) school of thought albeit it isn't as popular today as it once was. That's the type of parenting where you (general) let a baby cry out their frustrations, unless they're hungry, need to be changed, etc., and learn to "self-soothe" (by finding their thumb or whatever). It's not my favorite, but it's not against any "rule," that I know of, etc. As much as I don't care for it, IMO, if they believe in it, they have a right to raise their child that way. If it were just that and you said you can't take the crying - well, I so understand that -  but I would suggest you need to close your door, go outside, whatever you need to do so as not to hear it but not interfere w/ GF's parenting (I say GF b/c you tell us that DS is back in prison.)

However, IMO, yelling at a 10 month old baby is child abuse, even though I'm sure that's not what GF intends. It probably results from the fact that she can't really take the crying either. But if so, then, I feel, she and DS need to rethink their parenting ideas. And yes, parenting classes would probably help them w/ that. But IDK if either one would go.

Telling me I'm spoiling her by picking her up when she cries, for the time I'm taking care of her while they work like I'm keeping them from the kid because I babysit for them.

This ^^^ sentence confuses me. Are you saying they know you pick baby up whenever she cries while you're watching her? How would they know that? And where is the connection between that and the idea that you're somehow "keeping them from the kid?"

In fact, I may be wrong, but I sense some confusion in your own mind about some of these issues:

...only expecting me to watch baby all the time which I do not mind ( bolding and italics are mine)

... they just expect me and my husband to take care of her and the babies till he comes back and I'm just not sure I can handle it.

Is it the fact that there will be 2 babies that's worrying you? Or the feeling that you,. somehow, have to "take care of" GF, too?

I think you may need to straighten out in your own mind and heart what means most to you/ what you need most from DS and GF. The list that Komo suggests would help you to do this, I believe. Also, I hope you feel comfortable enough to share that list w/ us and explore your priorities here, as well.

(((Hugs!)))

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, SueSTx said:

The gf has to be willing to be taught to stand on her own feet before any teaching can take place.  It really doesn't sound like she is to that place yet, and if she is there while the son is back in prison, he won't be there to act as a buffer between the two.

Agreed- Which seems to be the case- And why the household environment, dawn to dusk, is in need of an overhaul -- one step at a time, because it will take time- 

What I take away from the OP is the GF is gracing GPs home with her presence as her contribution, no matter if she realizes that or not-  (I'm just addressing her here,  not saying DS isn't doing the same) GF has not been provided with another role to play because GP has assumed the responsibility of playing her own role and the roles of everyone else in the home except her DH's role (maybe? and the baby, of course ..) -- GP didn't share much about DH-

The transition from inmate to mother I'm certain was very difficult, very difficult- However, it seems GP continued without much interruption to continue to play GFs role as mother- GP wouldn't be in her present, frustrating, situation if she had gradually stepped back- However, she still has every opportunity to do that- All she has to do is one less thing each week- For example washing bottles- At the same time she can assign one more thing per week for the mother to do to contribute to the household-

I think it will be difficult- But not as difficult as proving the mother as unfit full well knowing she herself contributed to the unfit-ness by not stepping back when GF was released from prison-

When something has gone on for too long there's no choice other than to begin to change from a place of complete and total frustration- There's no way around it, no easy fixes, no escaping- The only way is through- One step at a time- I'm confident the GP can pull it off-

Edited by Komorebi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Another thought might be for the grandmother to get a job even part time to remove herself from the home for a few hours a day.  She would be bringing in some money to ease the cash flow also.  

Maybe if this young mother didn't have the original poster to rely on for baby sitting she would place the child in day care and that might ease the tension between the two women.

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

wow. no one is going to like my answer but here is the cold hard truth.  you need to get tough... so tough. yes. you may lose the babies. yes they may neglect said babies. cross that bridge later. write up a contract. they need to agree and sign.  if any of the following are not done then you will give them 30 days notice to move out. first that thet will stay out of trouble with the law. they will find full time jobs. they will pay you xxx amount of rent. they will contribute to household chores daily and list exactly what they need to do daily ( cooking, cleaning, washing, straightening, grocery shoppingetc).  if they dont have a car they can get uber a taxi or a bus. not your problem. if they lose their job they have 20 days to find another.  if they need a babysitter they can ask you but they need to schedule 5 or more days in advance unless it is for work or school.  there will be respect and even tempers at all times.  they will do EVERYTHING for the baby. wash bottles do laundry make appts. you will not do any of this. there is a reason why i say this just hold on. there is no smoking or drinking allowed in the house. ( yes. i know this sounds harsh. keep hanging in there) you and your spouse or you yourself will leave the house several times a week without them go to dinner,bookstore walk the mall doesnt matter. do not drive them anywhere. do not pay for anything unless it is for the baby and then only buy used. phew. ok. the reason i say all this is you are enabling them. you are allowing them to treat you and talk to you and do the rottenthings they are doing to you. your feet needs to be firmly planted and you need to stand your ground. first understand that i was one of those troubled kids. my mom used some harsh tough love on me. even kicked me out of the house for several weeks at age 14 (yes a young girl at 14 on the streets doesnt sound fair) i hated her then. i did. it wasnt until much later in life that i realized how much that woke me up.  i was respectful in her home while i lived there.  if you lose your grandchild believe me it wont be forever. just tell them calmly that your sorry they dont see your point of view and that your door will always be open for future negotiations but that you wish them well out in the world if they so choose it.  keep strong.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@dragonbaby - Hi again! Clearly, you have some strong opinions on this topic! And it's good of you, IMO, to draw on your own experience to help someone else.

However, perhaps you've forgotten, but we ask members not to post in threads that are more than 3 months old, unless they're the OP (original poster) or it's a "stickypost"/ thread pinned (thumb tack icon) to the front of the forum. This thread is over a year old, so I'm locking it down.

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.