• Announcements

    • LaToyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LaToyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
RoseRed135

If you're raising your grandchildren (or other relative kids)....possible triggers...

58 posts in this topic

17 hours ago, cjzs said:

Struggling right now with raising 3 grandkids.  I think I just realized that it is until they are grown.   Any help or advise 

on dealing with the stress induced anxiety.

Sorry you're having a hard time, cjzs! (((Hugs!)))  But glad you brought your concerns here!

If it's any comfort, there are many other GPs in your situation and most of them experience some stress and anxiety, as a result. You are definitely not alone.

Bless you for being there for these 3 children though. IDK, but perhaps it will help you to get through to realize how much good you are doing for these kids, providing them w/ the love and stability that, obviously, their parents couldn't give them, for whatever reason.

Like N-m, I'm wondering if there are any support groups for GRGs (grandparents raising grandchildren) in your vicinity. That may prove very helpful.

So might some personal counseling if you can find the time for it and are ok w/ that idea. A professional counselor might be able to help you find the "tools" you need to cope.

Meanwhile, I hope it helps to just come in here and unload. Do you feel comfortable telling us why your GC (grandchildren) are living w/ you? Or whether or not you have legal custody?

You may take some comfort - or inspiration - from some of the comments in the following thread and might want to post there, too, eventually:

 

And/or you might want to post here at some point:

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135
to add links

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just found this site. Be carefull you don't get burned by the steam I let off. I'm 65, my wife (in a nursing home for the last year) is 62. We are raising (and have adopted) 3 grandkids. Two boys are 6 and 4, their sister is 13. The boys have been with us since birth, their sister since she was 5. The last year has been tough on me and the kids. The older 2 kids are learning disabled along with other physical problems. The youngest is probably the smartest child I have ever met. I could keep on whining I guess, but that hasn't helped much in the past. My dad used to say " The cemeteries are full of people who would like to have your troubles". Oops gotta go . 6 yr old is home from school sick.

Later....

grampdad

 

Edited by Mame925
Edited out names in the interest of privacy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wanted to add this to my first post. Tha past year has been tougher on my wife than it has for the kids and me. Her health has been bad for  years, but got lots worse a year or so ago. She is getting better and hopefully will be coming home within the next few months. The kids visit  3 or 4 times a week, and she has spent a dozen nights at home over the last few months. We get by OK. The kids mom (our daughter) will be in prison for another10 - 12 months. I am hopefull that she can stay away from the drugs. Long, sad story. You can imagine.

  There is another sibling. He's 2 now. He was with us for the 1st few weeks after birth, but I (we) simply couldn't handle the extra effort. He is now adopted by another family close by. We can see him occasionally.

grampdad

 

 

Edited by Mame925
removed name in the interest of privacy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, grampdad said:

I just found this site. Be carefull you don't get burned by the steam I let off. I'm 65, my wife (in a nursing home for the last year) is 62. We are raising (and have adopted) 3 grandkids. Two boys are 6 and 4, their sister is 13. The boys have been with us since birth, their sister since she was 5. The last year has been tough on me and the kids. The older 2 kids are learning disabled along with other physical problems. The youngest is probably the smartest child I have ever met. I could keep on whining I guess, but that hasn't helped much in the past. My dad used to say " The cemetaries are full of people who would like to have your troubles". Oops gotta go . 6 yr old is home from school sick.

Later....

 

 

Welcome, grampdad! I'm just about to go out the door to take one of my own GC to an activity. (I'm not raising them but help their mom/my DD (dear daughter) out a lot b/c she has gone back to school, etc.). Just want to stop in to say welcome! and that I see that you  have a lot on your plate! Bless you both - and please know you're not alone. There are many GPs today raising their GC. for one reason or another.

Glad you brought your concerns to us and please feel free to let that steam off here any time! Be back later to talk to you more. Meanwhile, chances are, others will, as well.

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, grampdad said:

I just found this site. Be carefull you don't get burned by the steam I let off. I'm 65, my wife (in a nursing home for the last year) is 62. We are raising (and have adopted) 3 grandkids. Two boys are 6 and 4, their sister is 13. The boys have been with us since birth, their sister since she was 5. The last year has been tough on me and the kids. The older 2 kids are learning disabled along with other physical problems. The youngest is probably the smartest child I have ever met. I could keep on whining I guess, but that hasn't helped much in the past. My dad used to say " The cemeteries are full of people who would like to have your troubles". Oops gotta go . 6 yr old is home from school sick.

Later....

grampdad

 

Back again! Sorry it took me so long.

IMO (in my opinion), it's challenging enough to be raising 3 GC (grandchildren) - and then to have to help them w/ various disabilities!. I can only imagine how difficult that must be..How fortunate they are though to have you in their lives!

I'm so sorry that DW (dear wife) has been ill and in a nursing home. Not just for her sake, but also b/c that certainly doesn't make it any easier for you. It's beautiful, IMO, that you're able to put your own difficulties aside and see how hard this has been for her. Also, I'm glad she has been able to maintain a connection w/ the GC and that she'll be coming home soon.

Good, too, that you and the kids get to connect w/ the fourth sibling, as well, however "occasionally." I think it was very wise of you to be honest about the fact that you "couldn't handle" an additional child. I'm glad he has his own adoptive family and that they live nearby.

But I'm sorry, of course, about your DD. You must be disappointed, I know.  It's awful what drugs can do to a person.

And yes, I can "imagine" that it's a "long, sad story," especially since you and DW felt the need and were able to adopt your grands. Also, b/c - and I know this may be cold comfort - there are many other GPs that have come in here who are raising their GC for the same/similar reasons. Please feel free to share that story w/ us, if you'd like.

But no, you are not "whining." Not in my book, anyhow. IMO, you're just venting about a complicated situation and that's totally ok. Again, please feel free to vent here, any time. We're here for you!

13 hours ago, grampdad said:

I wanted to add this to my first post. Tha past year has been tougher on my wife than it has for the kids and me. Her health has been bad for  years, but got lots worse a year or so ago. She is getting better and hopefully will be coming home within the next few months. The kids visit  3 or 4 times a week, and she has spent a dozen nights at home over the last few months. We get by OK. The kids mom (our daughter) will be in prison for another10 - 12 months. I am hopefull that she can stay away from the drugs. Long, sad story. You can imagine.

  There is another sibling. He's 2 now. He was with us for the 1st few weeks after birth, but I (we) simply couldn't handle the extra effort. He is now adopted by another family close by. We can see him occasionally.

grampdad

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

hi 

I have had my grandson with me since he was born. My son couldn't take him and his mum had already had her first two children adopted out (not my sons) and didnt want him. i have 4 kids all in their 20s so had just started to enjoy a bit of "me time", got back to full time work, enjoyed a few holidays without kids and being able to clean the house and it stays clean for more than 5 mins. i grew up in a big family where we learnt we take care of our own so there was no question about me taking him.  i have guardianship of him till he is 18 which took about 9 months to go through so i had to give up my job for that time which was financially difficult living on one wage. my grandsons social worker was wonderful, she had worked with his brother and sister and genuinely tried to give as much support as she could including making sure we could get in contact with his brother and sister's adoptive parents so we correspond on a regular basis.

Things i have found difficult..... i think the biggest surprise to me was not having the bond straight away that i had with my own kids. i am a very maternal person but for the first few months it was extremely difficult and i felt myself thinking a few times what it would have been like if i had just let him go which in turn made me feel very very guilty. You also wonder if you will ever feel a connection which again you feel very guilty even thinking about. After a while though things started to come together and we became inseparable.  Another thing i found very difficult was the relationship with my other grandchildren especially my other grandson who is the same age. trying to treat one like a son/grandchild and the others like i'm their granny is still something i struggle with and am sure i always will. i had a fantastic job that i loved before i had him but because it involved a lot of traveling i couldn't carry it on, i'm sure that at some point he will have ask why i gave it up and i dont want him to think i had to because of him.

The greatest rewards...... Easy..Everything... Big hugs, stupid selfies, his face when he sees new things, his first christmas when he understood about santa (everything was amazing to him) when he's unwell and nannys kisses make it better and of course when he started nursery and was moved up to the big class because he was at the same stage as the kids who were starting school (that made me feel really good)

He is now 2 1/2 and he's my little angel, insane, funny, wild, curious, nutty, clever, and when he gets together with my other grandson, very naughty... but i would never have it any other way 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome Nurrti, you sound like you have both adjusted very well.  How fortunate that your grandson has you in his corner.

I think it is normal to have an instant bond for a child we carried for nine months and that it takes longer for a child that is just placed in our arms for the need of care.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome Nurrti! And bless you for being there for your little GS (grandson)!

Clearly, you've made a lot of sacrifices to do this, and find yourself going through a whole gamut of emotions, both positive and negative. Trust me, you're not alone in that. Many of the GRGs (grandparents raising grandchildren) who come in here express the same.

I'm not surprised, either, BTW (by the way), by the early difficulty w/ bonding. This was an unexpected "arrival" for you and the situation seems to have caused a certain amount of upheaval in your life.

But, apparently, you have also gotten and still get a lot of joy out of this relationship. And of course, the benefits to GS are legion.

Glad you came in to share your experience w/ us! Looking forward to talking w/ you some more! :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Nurrti - Just out of pure curiosity, do either of the parents visit w/ GS?

Also, do you have any other family or friends who pitch in, once in a while, and watch GS, so you can get a childcare break? I hope so.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

my son got together with his girlfriend he has now when my grandson was born and she doesnt like him seeing him so he only sees him occasionally and his mum sees him every couple of months but decides not to turn up most of the time. this was ok at first but he is starting to realize and gets upset. i try not to tell him but she speaks to him on the phone and tells him she's coming. 

unfortunately she has just had another baby and is still with the dad so has kept him so far but hasnt visited my grandson since she had the baby 4 months ago. i think this is going to be an ongoing problem for the rest of his childhood which i will have to deal with.

my youngest daughter still lives at home and she is really good, she has a great relationship with him and looks after him when he's not at nursery and i have to work. my middle daughter is also really good so we take turns every couple of weeks giving each other a night off from the kids which really helps.

at first, between kids and work i was completely knackered but i'm starting to find a happy medium, just wish he would start sleeping in a bit later as he's a very early riser...:o)) 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Nurrti said:

my son got together with his girlfriend he has now when my grandson was born and she doesnt like him seeing him so he only sees him occasionally

I'd be finding a way to show your son what a HUGE RED FLAG this little tidbit is. You son comes with baggage, he has a child. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Nurrti said:

my son got together with his girlfriend he has now when my grandson was born and she doesnt like him seeing him so he only sees him occasionally and his mum sees him every couple of months but decides not to turn up most of the time. this was ok at first but he is starting to realize and gets upset. i try not to tell him but she speaks to him on the phone and tells him she's coming. 

unfortunately she has just had another baby and is still with the dad so has kept him so far but hasnt visited my grandson since she had the baby 4 months ago. i think this is going to be an ongoing problem for the rest of his childhood which i will have to deal with.

my youngest daughter still lives at home and she is really good, she has a great relationship with him and looks after him when he's not at nursery and i have to work. my middle daughter is also really good so we take turns every couple of weeks giving each other a night off from the kids which really helps.

at first, between kids and work i was completely knackered but i'm starting to find a happy medium, just wish he would start sleeping in a bit later as he's a very early riser...:o)) 

My heart aches for this little guy as concerns his parents lack of interest/inconsistency. TG, he has you to guide him through it all (I know it won't be an easy job).

But how wonderful that your DDs/his 2 aunts are so ready to help out. Sounds like GS gets a lot of love, regardless!

Good to hear that he's in nursery school, too. Gives you and your DDs all some free time and gives him more activities, as well as social experience w/ other kids.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, I'm new to this site. I am a single grandmother raising my 7 yr old granddaughter that I've had since she was 5 weeks old... custody since she was 2 and adopted her last summer. I recently retired mainly to have more time with her. While there are many rewards to raising her, there are many challenges as well. I think my biggest challenge is feeling isolated. It is very hard to maintain friendships with our situation... people my age don't want a young child hanging around ALL the time, they have no interest in going to kid friendly places and I'm unable to go places very often w/o her. When I take her to school activities or classmates birthday parties, etc (where she can have peer interactions), I have nothing in common with the younger mothers/parents that are also there, usually sitting by myself feeling very self conscious. We live in a rural area with no close neighbors or extended family. I would like to find a support group that physically gets together with the grandkids, so there is interaction for both of us. Any ideas?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Gracnan said:

Hi, I'm new to this site. I am a single grandmother raising my 7 yr old granddaughter that I've had since she was 5 weeks old... custody since she was 2 and adopted her last summer. I recently retired mainly to have more time with her. While there are many rewards to raising her, there are many challenges as well. I think my biggest challenge is feeling isolated. It is very hard to maintain friendships with our situation... people my age don't want a young child hanging around ALL the time, they have no interest in going to kid friendly places and I'm unable to go places very often w/o her. When I take her to school activities or classmates birthday parties, etc (where she can have peer interactions), I have nothing in common with the younger mothers/parents that are also there, usually sitting by myself feeling very self conscious. We live in a rural area with no close neighbors or extended family. I would like to find a support group that physically gets together with the grandkids, so there is interaction for both of us. Any ideas?

Volunteer in GC's school or activities. Vacation Bible School helper?

Group at Church? A Bible study for adults with accompanying child Bible play time (another room)?

Library group for like aged children, with attached book club for adults?

Volunteer in a food pantry (or other charitable function) that allows children to participate?

Lessons: gymnastics, golf, swim? As a volunteer or participate with child.

Hospital: visit programs for children to visit children. Assisted Living: children visit residents.

Local TV or newspaper activities listings. Craigslist: Community.
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I appreciate your suggestions, but I have tried most of these suggestions and for the most part, the other participants are younger parents & children that I have nothing in common with. This leaves me feeling left out of the adult conversation. I am looking for activities that can include both of us, that we have something in common with. I can find many activities for one or the other of us, but nothing that will satisfy both of our needs. It would be a big help for us if we could find friendships with other grandparents raising their grandchildren.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Gracnan said:

I appreciate your suggestions, but I have tried most of these suggestions and for the most part, the other participants are younger parents & children that I have nothing in common with. This leaves me feeling left out of the adult conversation. I am looking for activities that can include both of us, that we have something in common with. I can find many activities for one or the other of us, but nothing that will satisfy both of our needs. It would be a big help for us if we could find friendships with other grandparents raising their grandchildren.

 

Have you tried starting your own support group maybe putting an ad in the local newspaper that you would like to start a group?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I put an add on Craigslist earlier today to start and/or join a support group. Hopefully, something will come from it and friendships can develop between people that have things in common. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
54 minutes ago, Gracnan said:

I put an add on Craigslist earlier today to start and/or join a support group. Hopefully, something will come from it and friendships can develop between people that have things in common. 

 

I hope you get results. Let us know how it goes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gracnan - there are probably a few others in your area in your situation - just have to find them.  Not sure where you are, but school is likely out for the summer; however, when it gets back in, check w/the school resource officer as they might have a bit of help in starting something for you and those similar.  There are several groups on  FB - sometimes folks find out they aren't too far apart and sometimes try to have a meet-up every once in a while. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you, Nana-mom. I hadn't thought of FB. I'll give it a try. I'm in the Fredericksburg, VA area and I am very active in her school, even thou I feel out-of-place when I'm there with her during activities because all the other "moms" that are there are much younger. Even thou I hear that there are lots of grandparents in the area that are in the same boat as me, I don't know where to find them. They are definitely not involved within the school, maybe for the same reason that I feel uncomfortable. Who knows? I can't find them to ask why. But I will talk to our guidance counselor when school starts back up, to see if she might be able to help start up a group.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, Gracnan said:

Hi, I'm new to this site. I am a single grandmother raising my 7 yr old granddaughter that I've had since she was 5 weeks old... custody since she was 2 and adopted her last summer. I recently retired mainly to have more time with her. While there are many rewards to raising her, there are many challenges as well. I think my biggest challenge is feeling isolated. It is very hard to maintain friendships with our situation... people my age don't want a young child hanging around ALL the time, they have no interest in going to kid friendly places and I'm unable to go places very often w/o her. When I take her to school activities or classmates birthday parties, etc (where she can have peer interactions), I have nothing in common with the younger mothers/parents that are also there, usually sitting by myself feeling very self conscious. We live in a rural area with no close neighbors or extended family. I would like to find a support group that physically gets together with the grandkids, so there is interaction for both of us. Any ideas?

Welcome, Gracnan! Bless you for being there for GD all these years!

Sorry to hear that you're feeling isolated. Rest assured, though, it's not unusual for GRGs (grandparents raising grandchildren) to feel this way. Often, GRGs who come in here express that very concern. The same is often true for GPs who are the regular caregivers for their GC while the parents work, etc. (In fact, please don't overlook such "nanny grannies," etc., if any, in your search for GPs and GC to interact with.)

But it looks like you have gotten some very good advice here. And I'm happy to see that you've hit upon a possible solution. I hope it works out well. Please keep us posted!

ETA: Another idea is to google grandparents raising grandchildren support groups/ name of city, name of state and see what comes up, if you haven't done so already.

BTW, we generally advise people not to post the name of their city b/c that can be identifying information (unless it's a very large one, such as NYC). But in this case, I take it that's not a concern.

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am new to this site also. I have the same problem. I never seem to fit in. My gson is involved in several activities but all the parents are younger. Everyone is nice enough I just never feel like I have much in common. We go to church but all the groups are by age. So again my age group does things that do not involve children. All that being said I enjoy every minute I spend with him. I just go along with the flow.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We are raising our 6 year old grandson. He has been with us since he was about 4 wks old. We started just as the babysitter,but then his mother (our daughter) stopped coming to get him when she hot off work. I would take him to her in the mornings when I went to work. After about a year of this, we enrolled him in daycare. She moved constantly and many days we couldn't find her. When our grandson was 2 mom was incarcerated. She signed papers giving us guardianship. Since that time she has been moved in and out of our home 3 times. Doesn't like to live with rules or without drugs. It has been life changing. But we love this little man. This was not in our plans for old age, but we are happy with our decision

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
27 minutes ago, tannie said:

I am new to this site also. I have the same problem. I never seem to fit in. My gson is involved in several activities but all the parents are younger. Everyone is nice enough I just never feel like I have much in common. We go to church but all the groups are by age. So again my age group does things that do not involve children. All that being said I enjoy every minute I spend with him. I just go along with the flow.

 

 

Welcome tannie! And bless you and your DH (dear husband) for taking in your GS (grandson) in his time of need and raising him all these years. I know you must be disappointed in your DD (dear daughter). Unfortunately, to my understanding, this is what drugs often do to people. Meanwhile, I appreciate that you "love this little man" and I think he is very lucky to have you and DH in his life.

Rest assured, you're not the only ones in this situation. Many GPs have come here in similar ones. Like you and DH, this was "not in (their) plans" for their later years. But while some, understandably, have mixed emotions about it, I'm glad to see that you and DH are "happy with (your) decision."

I'm sorry that you're facing the same problem as Gracnan, as far as socializing w/ other GPs. I'm glad you're able to "go with the flow," but I also hope some of the suggestions made to her will help you, as well. Glad to have you here! :)

4 minutes ago, tannie said:

We are raising our 6 year old grandson. He has been with us since he was about 4 wks old. We started just as the babysitter,but then his mother (our daughter) stopped coming to get him when she hot off work. I would take him to her in the mornings when I went to work. After about a year of this, we enrolled him in daycare. She moved constantly and many days we couldn't find her. When our grandson was 2 mom was incarcerated. She signed papers giving us guardianship. Since that time she has been moved in and out of our home 3 times. Doesn't like to live with rules or without drugs. It has been life changing. But we love this little man. This was not in our plans for old age, but we are happy with our decision

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

bump

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now