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RoseRed135

If you're the go-to babysitter or regular "nanny" for your grandchildren (or other relative kids)...

74 posts in this topic

.... or if you ever were in the past, how did this come about? Did you offer to play this role or know early on that you would? Or did you just sort of fall into it? Or?

And if you will, what is the biggest plus of this situation for you? The biggest minus, if any?

Or if you're a parent who relies/has ever relied on family childcare, how did that come about? And, if you will, what is/was the greatest plus and/or minus, if any?

Edited by RoseRed135
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We were the go-to day care providers for several years and it came about because of financial necessity of our daughter.  We just fell into it when it happened, no advance planning.

The biggest plus has been the bond we have with our granddaughters.  Especially the oldest who now lives with us (again).  

the biggest minus is that our relationships with our friends suffered because we didn't/don't have the freedom to just do whatever we want to do whenever we want to without kids.  

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On 8/15/2016 at 1:42 AM, grammagoddess said:

We were the go-to day care providers for several years and it came about because of financial necessity of our daughter.  We just fell into it when it happened, no advance planning.

The biggest plus has been the bond we have with our granddaughters.  Especially the oldest who now lives with us (again).  

the biggest minus is that our relationships with our friends suffered because we didn't/don't have the freedom to just do whatever we want to do whenever we want to without kids.  

In this post, GG, I think you've covered both the "biggest plus" that most GPs in this situation enjoy and the "biggest minus" that most of them report. As I've mentioned elsewhere, some of the GMs I know who have become granny nannies more recently, often take their GC w/ them to have lunch w/ friends, etc. But those GC are all very young babies and IDK how many parents would be cool w/ that or how many GPs would be comfortable w/ it.

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2 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

some of the GMs I know who have become granny nannies more recently, often take their GC w/ them to have lunch w/ friends

We babysit often. This ^^ is our solution. The kiddies don't tie us down, they just go with.

We're getting low on some groceries, lots really, that's what happens when 3 adults and 9 kiddies are at home everyday,  plus an extra 2 adults and kiddies yesterday. I'm going to the grocery stores with the girls - while DH takes the 7 boys golfing. For a bit ODD will be with and then she needs to get on to work. I can babysit in stores or shops as easily as at home. Later, I have an appointment to work with a county commissioner about our road (10 minutes). I have papers to sign at the Bank (2 minutes). The little girls will be with me, sitting quietly with the 7 y/o reading to the 2 y/o, waiting for ice cream cones. No ice cream if you misbehave.
 

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It is quite normal for a mother to take the kiddo's with, but some of those same mothers do not want the gramma to do the same.  He prerogative.

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11 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

It is quite normal for a mother to take the kiddo's with, but some of those same mothers do not want the gramma to do the same.  He prerogative.

It is...but if these mother's expect Granny to put her life on hold they may need to look at other options. I had the 12yo yesterday unexpectedly, but when DD texted to see if could take him I let her know I had to be at the eye doctor's all afternoon (I do her books) so he needed to bring something to occupy himself....something I can to with the older kids, not the littles, who needs naps etc.

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Granny is allowed to say, that just won't work for me today also.

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21 hours ago, SueSTx said:

It is quite normal for a mother to take the kiddo's with, but some of those same mothers do not want the gramma to do the same.

So true.

However, we say up front we will NOT babysit if we can't take the kiddies where we need to go. Fine by us if our kids find other sitters if they don't want their kids going to the grocery store, county commissioner, Bank, ski hill, or golf course. Their choice. No big deal.

ETA: and naturally Granny may say that today, or any day, doesn't work for her, good boundary.

Edited by JanelleK

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18 hours ago, JanelleK said:

So true.

However, we say up front we will NOT babysit if we can't take the kiddies where we need to go. Fine by us if our kids find other sitters if they don't want their kids going to the grocery store, county commissioner, Bank, ski hill, or golf course. Their choice. No big deal.

ETA: and naturally Granny may say that today, or any day, doesn't work for her, good boundary.

I think you hit the crux of it, Janelle - whether or not the GPs in this situation are able to accept it if the parents respond by looking for/finding other childcare. So many times, I've seen GPs on these boards and IRL who accept limitations they're not comfortable w/ b/c they don't want the parents to turn to someone else.

And then there are those cases where the GPs say that the only time they get to see their GC is when they babysit them.

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22 hours ago, Mame925 said:

It is...but if these mother's expect Granny to put her life on hold they may need to look at other options. I had the 12yo yesterday unexpectedly, but when DD texted to see if could take him I let her know I had to be at the eye doctor's all afternoon (I do her books) so he needed to bring something to occupy himself....something I can to with the older kids, not the littles, who needs naps etc.

All this raises another question, people... Is it important/necessary for the GP to let the parents know where they plan on taking the GC? Or should the parents just trust that the child will be safe and happy w/ the GP wherever they go? An issue that arose between YDD and DGD's PGM is that YDD wants to know ahead of time if PGM is planning to take DGD to another town, no matter how close by, and PGM resents this.

Thoughts?

18 hours ago, JanelleK said:

So true.

However, we say up front we will NOT babysit if we can't take the kiddies where we need to go. Fine by us if our kids find other sitters if they don't want their kids going to the grocery store, county commissioner, Bank, ski hill, or golf course. Their choice. No big deal.

ETA: and naturally Granny may say that today, or any day, doesn't work for her, good boundary.

 

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I've not had "don't take my kid anywhere" come up....and it wouldn't fly if it did. Unless they are sick, that would be the day they'd have to find alternate day care. And with my AC, once or twice of trying to tell me what do do and the edicts would stop. Either you trust me with your kids or you don't....they do.

Sunday the #2 GB and I are going to a concert...he's 9. Its out in the backwoods. We went last year...had a ball. Some of the best 1-1 time we've had.

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2 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

All this raises another question, people... Is it important/necessary for the GP to let the parents know where they plan on taking the GC? Or should the parents just trust that the child will be safe and happy w/ the GP wherever they go? An issue that arose between YDD and DGD's PGM is that YDD wants to know ahead of time if PGM is planning to take DGD to another town, no matter how close by, and PGM resents this.

We tell our kids precisely when and where we are taking THEIR kids when we babysit. What if we said nothing and there was an accident spread all over the news? An accident on the interstate, the suv was our common sort and color, children were dead at the scene. I can't imagine scaring our kids that way.

Yesterday, DH told the kids exactly what golf course he and the kids would be playing, what the tee time was, where lunch would be. Our kids know the interstate, exits etc involved. They are totally aware regarding where their kids are located 24-7, if the kids are with us.

Same with me, I took the girls to the grocery and on errands, our kids knew exactly where we were at precise times.

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7 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

whether or not the GPs in this situation are able to accept it if the parents respond by looking for/finding other childcare. So many times, I've seen GPs on these boards and IRL who accept limitations they're not comfortable w/ b/c they don't want the parents to turn to someone else.

And then there are those cases where the GPs say that the only time they get to see their GC is when they babysit them.

We don't buy into terrorism and threats. ETA: and our kids have never tried anything so stupid. 

To that GP who accepts limitations on themselves that they don't like - grow a spine would be our response. ETA: Everybody, parents, GPs, AC should do what they need to do for their own peace of mind.  Just my opinion.

Edited by JanelleK

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26 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

All this raises another question, people... Is it important/necessary for the GP to let the parents know where they plan on taking the GC? Or should the parents just trust that the child will be safe and happy w/ the GP wherever they go? An issue that arose between YDD and DGD's PGM is that YDD wants to know ahead of time if PGM is planning to take DGD to another town, no matter how close by, and PGM resents this.

Thoughts?

 

I like to know where my child is/going to be at all times, I don't see that request as being too much or something to be resentful over...it's not about trusting the GP on only taking them to safe places, it's more of a peace of mind of having the knowledge of where your kid is at all times.

The only thing I could see a GP resentful over is if they already saw that request as a common sense 'duh', and were resentful that their AC/ACIL felt the need to bring it up.

Too many times I think GP'S take a 'peace of mind' request that doesn't have anything to do with trust and make it into a negative.

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24 minutes ago, PLS21 said:

I like to know where my child is/going to be at all times, I don't see that request as being too much or something to be resentful over...it's not about trusting the GP on only taking them to safe places, it's more of a peace of mind of having the knowledge of where your kid is at all times.

The only thing I could see a GP resentful over is if they already saw that request as a common sense 'duh', and were resentful that their AC/ACIL felt the need to bring it up.

Too many times I think GP'S take a 'peace of mind' request that doesn't have anything to do with trust and make it into a negative.

ITA. In both directions, GPs or AC ---- nobody should do anything that makes them uncomfortable.

Like I posted, we will not babysit if we can't go where we wish, but we always tell our kids our precise locations also. IF either side can't abide the others boundaries, then find someone else or hire a sitter, that's not rocket science.

Rose, really these other GPs (whomever they are) are making their own problems by going against their own boundaries.

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6 hours ago, JanelleK said:

We tell our kids precisely when and where we are taking THEIR kids when we babysit. What if we said nothing and there was an accident spread all over the news? An accident on the interstate, the suv was our common sort and color, children were dead at the scene. I can't imagine scaring our kids that way.

Yesterday, DH told the kids exactly what golf course he and the kids would be playing, what the tee time was, where lunch would be. Our kids know the interstate, exits etc involved. They are totally aware regarding where their kids are located 24-7, if the kids are with us.

Same with me, I took the girls to the grocery and on errands, our kids knew exactly where we were at precise times.

Yeah, Janelle, I would worry about the same thing!

PLS, "peace of mind" is exactly the reason YDD wants to know where her kids are. It's not likely she would ever tell PGM that she couldn't take DGD somewhere, she just wants to know where that is. Unfortunately, PGM takes it as a sign of lack of trust... sigh...

6 hours ago, PLS21 said:

I like to know where my child is/going to be at all times, I don't see that request as being too much or something to be resentful over...it's not about trusting the GP on only taking them to safe places, it's more of a peace of mind of having the knowledge of where your kid is at all times.

The only thing I could see a GP resentful over is if they already saw that request as a common sense 'duh', and were resentful that their AC/ACIL felt the need to bring it up.

Too many times I think GP'S take a 'peace of mind' request that doesn't have anything to do with trust and make it into a negative.

 

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7 hours ago, Mame925 said:

 

Sunday the #2 GB and I are going to a concert...he's 9. Its out in the backwoods. We went last year...had a ball. Some of the best 1-1 time we've had.

I remember your telling us about that, Mame. Sounds fantastic!

Edited by RoseRed135

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We've been nanny/granny this summer for 3 grands while they're living here.  YDS and DIL pretty much give us free rein if we want to take the kids places, etc.  However, I do feel like they should know where we're going.  In the day and age of texting, cell phones, etc, it's easy to let them know if we decide to go somewhere.

When my sons were teenage drivers, I also asked them to let me know where they would be.  Not that I had to know every move, but I worked at our local hospital and was often on call for accidents.  When the call came for an accident, I wanted to know that my kids weren't in the area the ambulance was going to.  Small town and it did happen to two co-workers with their kids.  The boys understood and gave me that peace of mind.

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Our daughter  and two granddaughters  (2.5 yrs/5 months) moved back home on short notice because her husband is being kicked out of the army. My wife found our daughter a good job with benefits , and now I have become a 11 hour a day, 5 day a week  babysitter. I am doing out of neccessity not because I wanted  too. Feel as if retirement is gone, and my life is  not longer mine to control.

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11 minutes ago, smclark59 said:

Our daughter  and two granddaughters  (2.5 yrs/5 months) moved back home on short notice because her husband is being kicked out of the army. My wife found our daughter a good job with benefits , and now I have become a 11 hour a day, 5 day a week  babysitter. I am doing out of neccessity not because I wanted  too. Feel as if retirement is gone, and my life is  not longer mine to control.

Welcome! So sorry about your problems but glad you brought them to us!

It's so unfortunate that your SIL (son-in-law) is being "kicked out of the army" and your DD (dear daughter) and GDs had to suddenly come and live w/ you and DW (dear wife). What a difficult time this must be for DD and family! And how disruptive for you and DW, even though, I'm sure that, on some level, you enjoy being around DD and GDs.

How difficult, also, to suddenly be thrown into the role of  children's caregiver, especially for 11 hours a day, 5 days a week! No wonder you feel as if your life is out of your control! But kudos to you for taking this on!

Where is DW in all this though? Can she do any of the childcare while DD is at work so you can get a break/get to do some of the things you were looking forward to in retirement?

If it's any comfort, you're not the only GP caregiver who found this role thrust on them unexpectedly. Also, please know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Soon enough, DD and family may be able to move out and/or the older one will be able to go to daycare part of the time or preschool, etc. And so, things will get easier for you on their own.

Till then (and after) we're here for you!

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My wife has a full time career, and as soon as our daughter is home (carpools with wife) i go to our bedroom and escape for several hours. My daughter and her husband can't  afford daycare, and my son-in-law expects free daycare  and to live in my house for free when he gets here. My daughter expects us to open our arms to our son-in-law and not mention his discharge from army. If we can't,  then she will move to her in-lawd where the father is a drunk and family smokes pot. My daughter is white  and son in law is black,so his family does not like our daughter. So, we are basically  being blackmailed. We gave up our large bedroom for our daughter, moved into our teenage sons room snd he moved into the study. I am a 27 yr vet of the Air Force with depression, and I feel if I don't  make this work I am failing my wife who wants to do all we can to help our daughter. I have no respect for my son in law, and not sure how I will survive him living in my house. All I know is 3 weeks ago our life was awesome finally financially secure, free of children needing supervision, and taking trips on weekends  on our motorcycles as carefree as ever. No my wife we can still do that, but I am mentally exhausted everyday and too depressed to want to do anything.

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^^^ I am so sorry about your depression.  Hopefully your DD and family will get their feet back under them soon and you will have your retirement back.

Is there a possibility that she could qualify some financial help with the daycare issue?

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36 minutes ago, smclark59 said:

My wife has a full time career, and as soon as our daughter is home (carpools with wife) i go to our bedroom and escape for several hours. My daughter and her husband can't  afford daycare, and my son-in-law expects free daycare  and to live in my house for free when he gets here. My daughter expects us to open our arms to our son-in-law and not mention his discharge from army. If we can't,  then she will move to her in-lawd where the father is a drunk and family smokes pot. My daughter is white  and son in law is black,so his family does not like our daughter. So, we are basically  being blackmailed. We gave up our large bedroom for our daughter, moved into our teenage sons room and he moved into the study. I am a 27 yr vet of the Air Force with depression, and I feel if I don't  make this work I am failing my wife who wants to do all we can to help our daughter. I have no respect for my son in law, and not sure how I will survive him living in my house. All I know is 3 weeks ago our life was awesome finally financially secure, free of children needing supervision, and taking trips on weekends  on our motorcycles as carefree as ever. No my wife we can still do that, but I am mentally exhausted everyday and too depressed to want to do anything.

First I'm dearly sorry for your depression and for your joyful retirement being stopped in its tracks..

I have some questions, is the son in law working also? Have they looked into assistance of daycare? Churches?

You are allowed boundaries, especially for your mental health. You are not failing your wife if you put up boundaries, you are only failing yourself by not doing it. Talk it over with your wife. Asking adults to atleast cover extra cost from them living there is not outrageous, asking for rent (maybe not right away) is not too much to ask for.

I don't know if you were blackmailed with the information about her in-laws, or if it was told to as just the honest truth of "we either live here, or there." Obviously they prefer you, but that doesn't mean they can expect rent here, bill free, daycare free while at your home. As for the respecting him, can you atleast be polite?  Maybe not an open arm approach but just the normal basic respect/polite behavior/high road is the way to go. You'd want your daughters in- laws to do atleast that much if she was there , despite disliking her correct? I do agree however there isn't really a reason to bring up his discharge, unless for the purpose of embarrassing him or shaming him.

 

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3 hours ago, smclark59 said:

My wife has a full time career, and as soon as our daughter is home (carpools with wife) i go to our bedroom and escape for several hours. My daughter and her husband can't  afford daycare, and my son-in-law expects free daycare  and to live in my house for free when he gets here. My daughter expects us to open our arms to our son-in-law and not mention his discharge from army. If we can't,  then she will move to her in-lawd where the father is a drunk and family smokes pot. My daughter is white  and son in law is black,so his family does not like our daughter. So, we are basically  being blackmailed. We gave up our large bedroom for our daughter, moved into our teenage sons room snd he moved into the study. I am a 27 yr vet of the Air Force with depression, and I feel if I don't  make this work I am failing my wife who wants to do all we can to help our daughter. I have no respect for my son in law, and not sure how I will survive him living in my house. All I know is 3 weeks ago our life was awesome finally financially secure, free of children needing supervision, and taking trips on weekends  on our motorcycles as carefree as ever. No my wife we can still do that, but I am mentally exhausted everyday and too depressed to want to do anything.

Can't really add anymore to what PPs (previous posters) have said. Just want to express the hope that you're getting treatment for your depression. And that if you're seeing a therapist for it (you didn't say), you discuss the present situation w/ them.

Can you perhaps afford a hire nanny who comes in a few times a week for a few hours, just to give you a break? Since DD is working, perhaps you can share the expense? Many stay-at-home-moms do this, to my knowledge. Why not a GF who suddenly had childcare thrust on him?

Whatever you do, I hope you continue to talk w/ us...

Edited by RoseRed135

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9 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

 

Can you perhaps afford a hire nanny who comes in a few times a week for a few hours, just to give you a break? Since DD is working, perhaps you can share the expense? Many stay-at-home-moms do this, to my knowledge. Why not a GF who suddenly had childcare thrust on him?

 

This is a good idea! They have "mothers day out" in bigger cities/suburbs. Or if you are in a smaller town sometimes churches will also offer a daycare/mothers day out. I think the church in my old 'hometown' had it every Wednesday for four hours for $20 per child or $30 for more than one.

Something you could try looking into.

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