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RoseRed135

If you're the go-to babysitter or regular "nanny" for your grandchildren (or other relative kids)...

74 posts in this topic

I decided I can't do what they are asking. Told my daughter she needed to quit her job and move back with her husband until he is discharged from the Army in early October. My daughter hates me now and my wife is reevaluating our future. But, I just couldn't do it and stay sane. I guess I failed, but the other option was death, so at least I am alive.

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You didn't fail your family. Self preservation is a strong motivator.

Get yourself to your physician or to the local VA for help with your depression. It is treatable. Then take on your family issues. I have a feeling your wife doesn't realize the depth of your depression. TELL HER. Becoming instant 'nanny' for your granddaughters is overwhelming...

Also, your daughter has no right to expect a free ride in your home. She is a married woman with children, not the "daughter of the house" any longer, so should be taking steps to support her family. If she has that "good job with benefits" she is able to pay for utilities & groceries. By the time her husband joins them, she should have saved enough money for first/last on an apartment for her family. When he gets there, he needs to get a job, no matter how menial...while looking for a better one. Look into child care options for at least 2 days per week. Daughter will be paying the bill. Maybe find a college student who is free 1/2 days a couple of days per week

If she hasn't started budgeting, its time to start. Insist she show you her bills and paystub. Help her plan where her money goes. Don't let her feed you her tales of drama & woe. Have her consult a financial planner if she's reluctant to discuss it with you....just make sure she's saving her money, not blowing it because mommy & daddy are picking up her tab these days.

BTW, her husband's army discharge issues don't need to be discussed unless he brings it up. Usually, however, when the military is through with you, it doesn't take a couple of months to be discharged...this doesn't add up.

 

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1 hour ago, smclark59 said:

I decided I can't do what they are asking. Told my daughter she needed to quit her job and move back with her husband until he is discharged from the Army in early October. My daughter hates me now and my wife is reevaluating our future. But, I just couldn't do it and stay sane. I guess I failed, but the other option was death, so at least I am alive.

You DID NOT fail. You did what was best for you and your health. If others believe you are a bad person for doing what was good for you, then take it with a grain of salt. I can't imagine thinking my husband was a bad person for doing what was good for his health. Maybe angry at him for a few weeks, but never think he failed as a husband or a father. 

I really hope your wife is just angry at the moment, along with your daughter...that's understandable. But they shouldn't hate you nor think you failed.

Please do get help for your depression. Explain to your wife the extent of your depression. 

I'll be honest, I have zero sympathy for family members that are angry at ex military members for doing what is right for their mental health. Nope, I can't even pretend to have sympathy for them.

*the 'them' being your wife and daughter.

Edited by PLS21

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21 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

 

BTW, her husband's army discharge issues don't need to be discussed unless he brings it up. Usually, however, when the military is through with you, it doesn't take a couple of months to be discharged...this doesn't add up.

 

It took 8-12 weeks for all three of my brothers to finally be discharged. They did a lot of mental testing to screen for PTSD, Depression, etc..along with physicals to see about hidden 'injuries' that they might have from being overseas.

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10 minutes ago, PLS21 said:

It took 8-12 weeks for all three of my brothers to finally be discharged. They did a lot of mental testing to screen for PTSD, Depression, etc..along with physicals to see about hidden 'injuries' that they might have from being overseas.

This is current and minimal. DH had 7 months between notification and ceremony. 

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her husband is being kicked out of the army

Isn't this a little bit different than a discharge?  I do suppose they could still be doing mental testing and physicals to prove later against preexisting conditions.

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Call tricare for  referral ASAP. 

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I've never known of a discharge, honorable, general, or dishonorable to take less than 10 weeks. Bad conduct requires proof and rebuttal.

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Thanks Patty, I knew you or Janelle would know that answer.

I hadn't a clue yet, one of my brothers served 8 years in the Navy and then retired from the reserve.  The other brother served in the AF during his tour and one sister retired active duty from the AF.  All I know is that they had retirement "dates" for a ceremony.

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7 minutes ago, PattyGram said:

I've never known of a discharge, honorable, general, or dishonorable to take less than 10 weeks. Bad conduct requires proof and rebuttal.

Yes, I would imagine if it was dishonorable it would take even longer.

One brother was honorably discharged, the other two were retiring ...still took awhile to be fully discharged.

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My public policy wonk-ness doesn't often touch anything military related - except retirement pay stream. I have no idea how discharge works, but I do know that if a person remains in service long enough they have health insurance when they retire, so the OP might could get medical care from the military or VA somehow. ETA: I do know if it all gets too messed up you should call for a Congressional in your district.

Edited by JanelleK

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smclark59 

We understand your feelings  my DH babysat for GD (1) only a few hrs a day 5 days a wk and was totally worn out when the wknd came around.  You have a lot more to deal with!

As much as you want to help DD you need to care for yourself also. I think you were very smart to know your limits and explain them to your family. I'm guessing if you retired from AF after 27yrs. you may already be receiving health care from the VA, at least through a PC(primary care) provider. First tell your wife your genuine feeling as Mame said she might not know, but really needs to. DH has had great services through the VA.  If your local VA can't offer help  these websites might help tried to link but couldn't)

www.nami.org/Find Support/ veterans-and-Active Duty.com

www.Vetrans Crisis.net/GetHelp?ResourcesLocator.aspx

Both DH and I have been involved in vet groups for over 25yrs. Good Luck take care of yourself.

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5 hours ago, smclark59 said:

I decided I can't do what they are asking. Told my daughter she needed to quit her job and move back with her husband until he is discharged from the Army in early October. My daughter hates me now and my wife is reevaluating our future. But, I just couldn't do it and stay sane. I guess I failed, but the other option was death, so at least I am alive.

I want to join everyone in saying they you did NOT "fail" in any way. You took a stand for your health - and frankly, you probably did what's best for the GC, as well. If you're not really into taking care of your grands to that degree, how good can that be for them? Not very, IMO DW and DD are being unrealistic.

Why do you think DW is "reevaluating (your) future?" Did she say that? Or do you just believe that b/c she's mad at your right now.? Your not wanting to watch your grands for such long hours - or any amount of time, for that matter - should not, by itself, be a reason to think about breaking up a marriage (if that's what she's thinking). In fact, IMO, it shouldn't be a reason for that, at all. .

It's hard for me to think your DD truly "hates" you over this. I imagine she's just angry, too. One quibble - I don't think it's up to you to tell her what to do next. That might be what made her and DW so angry. You must have been quite exasperated when you said it and I get that -  still, all you needed to do, IMO, was to tell her you won't babysit anymore and them make sure you're not available. It's up to her to figure out if that means quitting her job and being a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) or finding another childcare option, etc.

Unless, of course, you really want her and the kids out of the house, period. Then I think you had a right to tell her she needs to move out. But again, whether or not she keeps her job and gets an apartment in the area or moves back w/ SIL is really up to her.

Ok, I realize she probably doesn't have enough money to get an apt right now. So it probably would have been better to have a discussion about her saving towards that, as Mame suggested, and about how long it will take before she can move out - w/ the understanding that there's no more free childcare while she lives there, at least, not by you. I understand if you hadn't totally thought this through before you spoke to her. But now, you can revisit the topic and together - you, DW and DD - can, no doubt, come up w/ a reasonable plan (it might take more than one conversation).

Unlike Mame, though, I'm not so sure you can just "insist" that she show you her "bills and pay stub" and have her really do so. But she should work out a reasonable rent/financial contribution w/ you and DW,, one that will also let her save for that apt, at the same time.

@smclark & All - Just want to take this moment to thank those of you who have served this country - and yes, those of you have have family members who have served/are serving this country b/c, of course, you make/have made sacrifices, too.

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  I feel your pain. I am not yet at retirement age and we both still work full time, but me and my better half have grown children and we're enjoying our freedom to do as we pleased. We have 5 girls (3 are mine 2 his). Life was great we were planning vacations on our motorcycles, paying off our homes working towards retirement, setting ourselves up for an enjoyable  life together. Going when and where we wanted to whenever we wanted to. But my oldest DD became an addict. She had 2 beautiful girls with a system scamming disabled dirt bag 2 bit drug dealer. She was with him for almost 5 years. He was abusive to her. Their children were taken from the home when they were 6 months and 20 months old and placed in foster care. My DD finally left him and sought treatment for her problems. She was reunited with her children when they were 2 and 3. She left her program with sole custody of her children and moved in with us for 6 months most of the time spent not in our home but staying out at friends and God knows (cause I don't want to). She was arrested and charged with possession of drugs. Social services were going to take the children again I was told they would seek adoption instead of reunification. I couldn't bear for them to be back in the system with strangers so I sought custody I have had them since the end of last year. They are 3 and 4 now . My man wasn't given the choice of whether or not he wanted to raise children again. They came to us with alot of emotional baggage and insecurities. It has been difficult to say the least. He was very depressed about losing the freedom we had and my sole attention in our home.  We have an amazing relationship because we communicate our feelings, wants, needs, It hasn't been easy, but to know that my GC's have a stable loving environment to grow means the world to me and he knows it. It sounds like you are like that with your wife giving her what she wants. Its great that you and your wife have opened your home to them (temporarily, I hope) Your daughter and son in law well they are grown ups too and a plan of action for independence for their family  might be something to have a family meeting about. Have them layout their plans perhaps if your not charging them rent than they can save a large percentage of their income to achieve this. Shelters require people to save 60 % or more to continue staying. This may help them achive their independence sooner. Talk with your wife ask questions and never give up hope that this will work out. You are gaining a bond with your GC"s that some GP"s never get the chance to have. Have sone fun It's all perspective if you don't like it change how you look at it. There are always positives involved in negative situations. I had to, so does my man. Some days are easier than others and it's never going to be perfect  but it will always be what we make it. 

Edited by GrammaMomma
Wrong I'd

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19 minutes ago, GrammaMomma said:

PLS21;  I feel your pain. I think you mean "smclark59" here though PLS21 has responded to him. I am not yet at retirement age and we both still work full time, but me and my better half have grown children and we're enjoying our freedom to do as we pleased. We have 5 girls (3 are mine 2 his). Life was great we were planning vacations on our motorcycles, paying off our homes working towards retirement, setting ourselves up for an enjoyable  life together. Going when and where we wanted to whenever we wanted to. But my oldest DD became an addict. She had 2 beautiful girls with a system scamming disabled dirt bag 2 bit drug dealer. She was with him for almost 5 years. He was abusive to her. Their children were taken from the home when they were 6 months and 20 months old and placed in foster care. How heartbreaking! My DD finally left him and sought treatment for her problems. She was reunited with her children when they were 2 and 3. She left her program with sole custody of her children and moved in with us for 6 months most of the time spent not in our home but staying out at friends and God knows (cause I don't want to). She was arrested and charged with possession of drugs. Sigh... unfortunately, drug addiction has a high rate of recidivism, as I understand it, and as I'm sure you know. Social services were going to take the children again I was told they would seek adoption instead of reunification. I couldn't bear for them to be back in the system with strangers so I sought custody I have had them since the end of last year. Bless you for being there for them!They are 3 and 4 now . My man wasn't given the choice of whether or not he wanted to raise children again. They came to us with alot of emotional baggage and insecurities. Poor little things! They are very lucky to have you in their lives.  It has been difficult to say the least. He was very depressed about losing the freedom we had and my sole attention in our home.  We have an amazing relationship because we communicate our feelings, wants, needs, It hasn't been easy, but to know that my GC's have a stable loving environment to grow means the world to me and he knows it. Sorry that this has been hard on your SO (significant other). But it sounds as if you have excellent communication and I hope that has helped him adjust.  It sounds like you are like that with your wife giving her what she wants. Its great that you and your wife have opened your home to them (temporarily, I hope) Your daughter and son in law well they are grown ups too and a plan of action for independence for their family  might be something to have a family meeting about. Have them layout their plans perhaps if your not charging them rent than they can save a large percentage of their income to achieve this. Shelters require people to save 60 % or more to continue staying. This may help them achive their independence sooner. Talk with your wife ask questions and never give up hope that this will work out. You are gaining a bond with your GC"s that some GP"s never get the chance to have. Have sone fun It's all perspective if you don't like it change how you look at it. There are always positives involved in negative situations. I had to, so does my man. Some days are easier than others and it's never going to be perfect  but it will always be what we make it. What a beautiful attitude you have, IMO!

Welcome. GrammaMomma! So glad that you came in to talk w/ us! And how wonderful of you to reach out to encourage someone else, based on your own experience! As you can see, I've made a few other comments on your quoted post.

Looking forward to hearing from you some more!

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Grandmomtotwo

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Hi fellow Grandmothers.  I am brand spankin new here, so please forgive me if I ask a question that is answered elsewhere.  I have a second grandchild ( 2yrs 9mos girl).  This little lady rules the roost.  My DD is beginning to get frustrated with her and began "time out".  I watch her 2-3 days per week (in my home).  I noticed last year that although DGD does not talk much (still has pacifier) she is smart and very well aware that she is in control.  Last year (age 2) i firmly said no to a few things, gave a gentle but firm swat on her bottom when she tried tantrums and now when I have her she is a DELIGHT!  I only have to say to her now, "We don't do that at Grammas" and we move on to the next activity.  No screaming, crying pouting...Yesterday, we had an awesome day filled with fun (at home) activities, and went grocery shopping when my daughter said she will be late picking her up.  Shopping was fun and I enjoyed her so much.  I thought the feelings were mutual.  When we got home, and she saw her Mothers car, she began serious whining.  I got her out, and she ran screaming to her mother like I was some kind of monster.  She refused to kiss me goodbye.  I'm sure DD has questions as this happens almost every day I have her and when she leaves.  My mind is SCREAMING manipulation on behalf of DGD as all she has to do is pout and they come running.  DGD almost ruined my 6 year old grandsons birthday party with her screaming, crying and tantrum throwing.  FINALLY the parents decided to take her home.  HELP!  I have tried to tell my DD (making reference to other kids, not her) that they are being manipulated and need to step up as parents and PARENT her.  She doesn't have to take a nap though she desperately needs one, she is allowed to stay up as late as 1am (usually 11pm), and the list goes on.  If she throws a fit, they say she is "sad" and don't want to make her any more "sad"  Now I am screaming in my own head.  I raised 6 kids and none of them were allowed to behave as DGD

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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ImpishMom

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3 hours ago, Grandmomtotwo said:

Hi fellow Grandmothers.  I am brand spankin new here, so please forgive me if I ask a question that is answered elsewhere.  I have a second grandchild ( 2yrs 9mos girl).  This little lady rules the roost.  My DD is beginning to get frustrated with her and began "time out".  I watch her 2-3 days per week (in my home).  I noticed last year that although DGD does not talk much (still has pacifier) she is smart and very well aware that she is in control.  Last year (age 2) i firmly said no to a few things, gave a gentle but firm swat on her bottom when she tried tantrums and now when I have her she is a DELIGHT!  I only have to say to her now, "We don't do that at Grammas" and we move on to the next activity.  No screaming, crying pouting...Yesterday, we had an awesome day filled with fun (at home) activities, and went grocery shopping when my daughter said she will be late picking her up.  Shopping was fun and I enjoyed her so much.  I thought the feelings were mutual.  When we got home, and she saw her Mothers car, she began serious whining.  I got her out, and she ran screaming to her mother like I was some kind of monster.  She refused to kiss me goodbye.  I'm sure DD has questions as this happens almost every day I have her and when she leaves.  My mind is SCREAMING manipulation on behalf of DGD as all she has to do is pout and they come running.  DGD almost ruined my 6 year old grandsons birthday party with her screaming, crying and tantrum throwing.  FINALLY the parents decided to take her home.  HELP!  I have tried to tell my DD (making reference to other kids, not her) that they are being manipulated and need to step up as parents and PARENT her.  She doesn't have to take a nap though she desperately needs one, she is allowed to stay up as late as 1am (usually 11pm), and the list goes on.  If she throws a fit, they say she is "sad" and don't want to make her any more "sad"  Now I am screaming in my own head.  I raised 6 kids and none of them were allowed to behave as DGD does.  ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Quit babysitting.

That's likely the best option you have. As for the 'gentle but firm swat'...if they don't spank, you could be facing a butt load of trouble, no pun intended. I know of many that wouldn't hesitate to call the police and have a caregiver arrested for spanking their child...myself included

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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RoseRed135

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12 hours ago, Grandmomtotwo said:

Hi fellow Grandmothers.  I am brand spankin new here, so please forgive me if I ask a question that is answered elsewhere.  I have a second grandchild ( 2yrs 9mos girl).  This little lady rules the roost.  My DD is beginning to get frustrated with her and began "time out".  I watch her 2-3 days per week (in my home).  I noticed last year that although DGD does not talk much (still has pacifier) she is smart and very well aware that she is in control.  Last year (age 2) i firmly said no to a few things, gave a gentle but firm swat on her bottom when she tried tantrums and now when I have her she is a DELIGHT!  I only have to say to her now, "We don't do that at Grammas" and we move on to the next activity.  No screaming, crying pouting...Yesterday, we had an awesome day filled with fun (at home) activities, and went grocery shopping when my daughter said she will be late picking her up.  Shopping was fun and I enjoyed her so much.  I thought the feelings were mutual.  When we got home, and she saw her Mothers car, she began serious whining.  I got her out, and she ran screaming to her mother like I was some kind of monster.  She refused to kiss me goodbye.  I'm sure DD has questions as this happens almost every day I have her and when she leaves.  My mind is SCREAMING manipulation on behalf of DGD as all she has to do is pout and they come running.  DGD almost ruined my 6 year old grandsons birthday party with her screaming, crying and tantrum throwing.  FINALLY the parents decided to take her home.  HELP!  I have tried to tell my DD (making reference to other kids, not her) that they are being manipulated and need to step up as parents and PARENT her.  She doesn't have to take a nap though she desperately needs one, she is allowed to stay up as late as 1am (usually 11pm), and the list goes on.  If she throws a fit, they say she is "sad" and don't want to make her any more "sad"  Now I am screaming in my own head.  I raised 6 kids and none of them were allowed to behave as DGD does.  ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Welcome, Grandmomtotwo!  Glad you decided to come in and talk w/ us! Sorry to hear about the problems w/ DGD, but since she, generally, behaves for you all day, you seem to be mostly doing ok (except that, as Imp says, the parents might be upset if they find out about the swatting.). I know you're upset when she cries to her mom at the end of the day, but that could be the transition and not have anything to do w/ manipulation. Some kids, it seems, have difficulty leaving one house for another, especially if they've been having a good time. I take it you feel as if it's a (false) commentary on her day w/ you, but please take some comfort in realizing that this may be more in your head than hers. :)

 

Edited by RoseRed135
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Welcome Grandmomtotwo...while it seemed to be more acceptable when I was raising little ones to give a swat on the bottom, I'd never do so with any of my grandbabies.  If their mothers insisted that I do so, I'd have to bow out of watching them while alone.

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You can't do anything about the way your daughter parents.  Your GC sounds difficult.  I'd probably want to paddle her too. However,  I would paddle my GC only if that is what my AC want.  I  don't think paddling is something a GP gets to decide. Also,    If my GC were so bad that I needed to paddle them to make them behave, they'd have to be pretty much completely out of control . And if they so bad around me and I can't control them without paddling them, I don't think I should be watching them nor would I want to.   (Emergenies only)  Like Imp said,  I think it would be best for your GD (and you) if you quit babysitting.   I think a GC like that would run through a lot of babysitters.  

ETA I thought she was older- she's only 2 1/2- isn't this normal behavior?  Still if I couldn't handle her behavior I wouldn't watch her.

Edited by skipped

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Thank you ladies.  For the record, I did not spank her.  I swatted (tapped?) her on two different occasions when she was having a fit over being told no.  That was last year, and I never had to since.  She understands when Gram says no it means no.  As I re read my post, I realize my difficulty is more with the parents not willing to parent her.  By that I mean doing what is in her best interests, not their convenience.  I apologize if I offended.  

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2 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

Reply to Grandmomoftwo also copied and pasted from the locked thread:

ImpishMom

Quit babysitting.

That's likely the best option you have. As for the 'gentle but firm swat'...if they don't spank, you could be facing a butt load of trouble, no pun intended. I know of many that wouldn't hesitate to call the police and have a caregiver arrested for spanking their child...myself included

ITA. I'd be furious if anyone ever spanked/swatted my kids. You would NEVER see any of us again. No child abuse is acceptable, imo.

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First, a swat, a tap, whatever you want to call it is still physical punishment as opposed to a time out. For me it is still spanking but If the the parents are ok with it and you are then it is what it is. For me I disagree with spankings or anything that resembles it-gentle swat, tap on the behind, or any other way of saying "hit a child as punishment." If I found out a GP or a caregiver was doing anything like this I would never let them be alone with my children. Even if it was "gentle" or "didn't hurt" I oppose the idea of teaching a child that violence is an appropriate way to treat behaviour that I disagree with. If GP did this they would be teaching this lesson to my child even if the child wasn't physically harmed. This would show me that they cannot respect me as a parent and my parental authority and I would wonder what else they might chose to do.

the behavior you mentioned sounds like normal 2-3 yr old behaviour, nothing more manipulative than normal behavior. This is a stage that humans get to learn how to manipulate the world around them. They learn the power or saying "no" they learn how to make their wishes known. It is a hard phase for children because they are trying to figure out the world and how they interact with it. 

They miss their parents when they are away and when they see them again it is emotional. Their emotions are developing so it could be happiness, sadness, confusion, grouchy, or even mixtures. The parents likely know this already and are prepared for different reactions.

the fact remains that the parents are the parents. They get to decide what is the best interest for their child. They get to decide parenting techniques. You need to respect their choices especially as a trusted caregiver. Caregivers are trusted because they are carrying out the parenting wishes. you don't get to decide what is in the best interest, that is their job.

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4 hours ago, skipped said:

You can't do anything about the way your daughter parents.  Your GC sounds difficult.  I'd probably want to paddle her too. However,  I would paddle my GC only if that is what my AC want.  I  don't think paddling is something a GP gets to decide. Also,    If my GC were so bad that I needed to paddle them to make them behave, they'd have to be pretty much completely out of control . And if they so bad around me and I can't control them without paddling them, I don't think I should be watching them nor would I want to.   (Emergenies only)  Like Imp said,  I think it would be best for your GD (and you) if you quit babysitting.   I think a GC like that would run through a lot of babysitters.  

ETA I thought she was older- she's only 2 1/2- isn't this normal behavior?  Still if I couldn't handle her behavior I wouldn't watch her.

Apparently, the 'swat' happened a year ago, at which point the child was only 1.5 yrs old. And yes, completely normal sort of behaviour for a child that age, imo.

4 hours ago, Grandmomtotwo said:

Thank you ladies.  For the record, I did not spank her.  I swatted (tapped?) her on two different occasions when she was having a fit over being told no.  That was last year, and I never had to since.  She understands when Gram says no it means no.  As I re read my post, I realize my difficulty is more with the parents not willing to parent her.  By that I mean doing what is in her best interests, not their convenience.  I apologize if I offended.  

You used physical force on a child as discipline. You may call it 'swatting', but many would find it completely unacceptable, period.

Anyone who 'swatted' my child, while minding them, would not be around my child again, at the very least.

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7 hours ago, Grandmomtotwo said:

 As I re read my post, I realize my difficulty is more with the parents not willing to parent her.  By that I mean doing what is in her best interests, not their convenience.  

I was thinking, too, that you seem to be more concerned about her relationship w/ her parents, given that she behaves for you. And I so understand that. As a "granny nanny," myself, to my 2 DGC, I know how invested in their GC's life a GP can feel if they take care of them often.

Ultimately, IMO (in my opinion), the parents have a right to raise their child as they see fit, however (as long as they're not committing abuse or serious neglect which doesn't seem to be the case here, fortunately). Depending on your daughter's personality, trying to tell her how to parent might do nothing but hurt your relationship w/ her. It may be better to vent about her and SIL's (son-in-law') parenting here, as you've already begun doing, than to try to influence them.

I'm not totally clear on what your concerns are though.

 If she throws a fit, they say she is "sad" and don't want to make her any more "sad."

  Does this ^^^^ mean that they give into the tantrum or just let it run its course? B/c, as I recall, many "experts" say to ignore a tantrum/avoid giving a tantrum any attention. It might not be your way of handling it, but as long as they're not caving to her demands, you probably can exhale.

 DGD almost ruined my 6 year old grandsons birthday party with her screaming, crying and tantrum throwing.  FINALLY the parents decided to take her home.

Ugh! It's awful when this kind of thing happens! But I know it can be hard for parents to know what to do - go out of the room/house until the child calms down, stay and hope the problem passes, leave the party early, etc. If it were me, I would have chosen the first one and only gone home if that didn't work. In this case, the parents chose to go home, period. It seems you think they should have left sooner (you say "FINALLY"). If it makes you feel any better, that's just a difference in timing, as aggravating as the situation may have been at the time.

She doesn't have to take a nap though she desperately needs one, she is allowed to stay up as late as 1am (usually 11pm)

Ok, I admit, I don't get this one ^^^^.  First, I don't understand how DGD goes all the way to 11 PM or 1 AM w/o falling asleep at any point. Secondly, I don't get their not wanting her to get some rest if she needs it - for their sakes, as well as hers. Does she ever fall asleep/take a nao when she's at your house? Or does she, perhaps, sleep later in the morning? And do the parents prefer that for some reason? (Maybe it works better w/ their particular schedule?) If she's not getting sufficient sleep for her age, it might be contributing to the tantrumy behavior. But,, IMO, that's for the parents to figure out. If you hadn't already criticized their parenting (however indirectly), I might suggest mentioning this to the mom - once. But, at this point, it's probably better to let them work it out their own way. As long as DGD behaves for you, I'd say, you're good. 

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